“With friends like these, who needs enemies?” —English proverb

Spring has finally arrived. For many, the arrival of spring means new beginnings and a time for cleaning out the clutter. It’s time to get rid of the old and make room for the new. Sometimes this mindset may include rethinking some of our relationships, particularly our friendships.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, healthy friendships and other positive social supports contribute significantly to our mental and emotional well-being. On the flip side, unsatisfying or destructive relationships can be quite harmful to our health.

In my practice, when I hear people describe hurtful and sometimes verbally vicious treatment coming from people they call “friends,” I often ask: “What about this friendship works for you?” The answer I most often hear in such cases is: “We have history” or “We’ve been friends since childhood.”

There are many wonderful perks of having a long history with someone, of course. These might include shared memories, inside jokes, not having to explain your stories over again, and (hopefully) an unconditional acceptance of who you are. But, like with all other relationships, as each person grows, they may also grow apart from people in their lives. [fat_widget_right]

Every relationship takes work. But when a friendship becomes more of an effort in maintenance than a source of joy—especially if the effort you put in is not reciprocated—letting go may be the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

So how do we know when it’s truly time to let a friendship go? Below are a few signs that can help provide guidance:

1. Your friends put you down.

“Pay close attention to anyone who does not clap when you win,” goes one saying. In other words, you might notice that each time you achieve something, your friend has something negative or discouraging to say. Or perhaps they try to one-up you with their own tales of achievements. These can both be red flags. A true friend will genuinely feel, or at least express, happiness when things go well for you. They will not only allow you your moment of glory, but they will also bask in it with you.

This also goes for the friend who talks about you behind your back. Beware of a person who always badmouths others. You may be next.

2. They put you last.

Between kids, partners, careers, aging parents, and sick relatives, we all have busy and complicated lives. Nonetheless, even the busiest of us try to make it a priority to nurture the relationships we value. We make time for those who matter.

When a friendship becomes more of an effort in maintenance than a source of joy—especially if the effort you put in is not reciprocated—letting go may be the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

Many of us have close, lifelong friends who we may not speak to for months or even years, but when we do, it feels as if no time at all has passed. What it really comes down to is how important you are to them. If you find yourself trying again and again to make an effort that is not returned in kind, it may be time to let that person go.

Whether returning calls, texts, emails, or telegrams, if you are important to someone, they will, at the very minimum, acknowledge you. If I truly value a friendship or a partnership, I make it a priority to not mess it up. And when I do make a mistake (I’m only human, after all) I make it a priority to repair it.

It’s easy to get tied up and lose focus in the busy times and varied challenges of life. The concern is when this becomes a pattern. Further, if your friend is one who carries their phone as if it were an appendage, checking it every five seconds, then they’ve probably seen your text. Interpret that as you will.

3. You only hear from them when they need something.

Say you have a friend who texts you to ask a question about something they need to know or ask for a favor and immediately replies to your response. Yet any time you reach out to them, it takes them days (or weeks!) to respond. This type of relationship is likely to eventually suck the energy out of you, in the best-case scenario. Worst case, if you are a person who struggles with self-worth, it runs the risk of perpetuating false beliefs of unworthiness. Make room for those who value you. Let go of those who only want what you can give them.

4. You’ve simply grown apart.

Most people have had friendships that worked well at one time because of commonalities or shared interests, such as work or school. Sometimes these friendships flourish beyond graduation or the ending of a job. However, those relationships may be based exclusively on those commonalities. If a relationship is not grounded in anything more substantial, and you find yourself having nothing to say or being unable to relate to the other person any longer, the relationship may have run its course. This process of growing apart is a natural part of life.

5. Misery is no longer your preferred company.

Everyone goes through highs and lows in life. Perhaps there was a particularly dark time in your life—for example, a period of intense self-destructiveness and self-hatred. Sometimes friendships that were formed during these times can make you feel stuck. If you didn’t feel so good about yourself at the time, you could have attracted those who felt the same way, both about themselves and you. After all, misery does love company.

Even if you are still struggling with issues of self-worth, you may have developed better tools to cope. For example, say you are actively working on self-love and self-compassion, but your friend tries to undermine these efforts. If this is the case, it may be time to move on, for the sake of your well-being. Misery loves company, but if you’ve reached a point in your life where you no longer want to be miserable, it’s probably time to let this friendship go.

These are only a few of the signs that your friendship may have gone on long past its expiration date. However, as is the case with any relationship, how the other person treats you and how you feel about yourself while in their company are often the best guides to determining if you have a relationship worth holding on to.

If you are still at a loss, you can simply ask yourself the following two questions:

1. Does this friendship feed me or deplete me?

2. If my goal is self-compassion and long-term happiness, will this relationship bring me closer to or further away from that goal?

An integral part of self-growth is letting go of what is no longer serving us. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes long-term friendships, as difficult as the thought of doing so may be. Anyone who has three, two, or even one really good friend who can be confidently relied upon should consider themselves lucky. When it comes to friendships, it is the quality rather than the quantity that makes the difference.

Deciding to let go of a friendship is never an easy decision. But if you pay attention to the signs listed above—and more importantly, to your heart—you will eventually know what to do. If you struggle to know whether a friendship is serving you, or want to work through any other issues related to friendship, I encourage you to reach out to a compassionate counselor who can offer support and guidance.

One of life’s greatest joys can be connecting to another soul in what may sometimes feel like a lonely world. A good relationship can be a landing on which to fall when the inevitable pains of life strike; a safe harbor to point us home when we feel lost; a standing Saturday night date. So, what happens when the one you’ve always relied on to soothe your pain in times of hardship is the source of that very pain? When the agony of a broken heart feels like the stabbing of a thousand knives, how do we even begin the healing process?

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Losing a loved one through a separation such as a breakup or divorce can feel as devastating as losing someone through death. Below are some of the stages of grief and some steps to get through it. Although knowing what you will experience will not take the pain away, it may remind you that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, others have likely felt it before. Just as those before you made it through, you can come out on the other side of pain.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial

In times of mourning or loss, we tend to idealize people or situations. In the case of a breakup, we may find ourselves remembering only the good times, while conveniently forgetting why things didn’t work out. Remembering the good is healthy, so long as we “keep it real” and see things as they really were—the good and the not-so-good.

2. Angst

The emotion referred to here is a universal stage of intense sadness that most of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. It is separate from clinical depression, which may require professional help. Barring a clinical diagnosis, when it comes to healing the pain of a broken heart, time is our strongest ally.

3. Anger

Depending on the circumstances of a breakup, we may feel anger toward the partner we perceive has hurt us. We may indulge in feelings of self-righteousness and fantasize of retribution. That is, until we remember “it takes two to tango.”

Barring cases of abuse, in most relationships, both parties play a role. So, if we look closely enough, we may find the anger we are directing outward is really anger we hold toward ourselves. “How dare they do this to me” turns into “How could I have allowed this to happen?” In either case, blame is rarely the answer.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Find forgiveness and meaning.

Forgiveness is often an essential part of the healing process, whether it is for yourself or the partner who may have “wronged” you. Everything ends, including life. Some people spend their lives never having found love.

If you have had love walk into your life at least once, some people would consider you lucky. Of course, if you’re still reeling from the pain of a broken heart, you may feel anything but lucky. However, once the wounds heal and the pain begins to dissipate, you may feel differently.

2. Be your own safe harbor.

As I mentioned above, life is impermanent. So are relationships. Whether through death or a breakup, every relationship will eventually end. Knowing and accepting this harshest of realities—as impossible as it may seem—could serve you well.

Relationships are essential to our well-being. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. For the rest of your life, the only one who is guaranteed to be there is yourself. Ultimately, learning to be your own safe harbor can help your healing process.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

One of the many injustices of being human is often we can’t heal without pain. Sometimes to get to the good stuff, we have to endure the bad. As children, if we had a splinter, the idea of someone sticking a tweezer under our skin to get it out didn’t sound so appealing. But to avoid the chance of an infection, we had to endure the temporary sting. The same principle can be applied to psychological pain.

Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

If you need a box of chocolate, or a night of mindless Netflix binging, you can allow yourself that. This is not to encourage self-destructive behavior. Instead, it is a brief reprieve, a moment of indulgence we all deserve every now and then.

But at some point, allow yourself to feel. You can come home, collapse onto the cold kitchen floor, and bawl your eyes out to the point of exhaustion if that helps. Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

4. Get back up again.

Once you do this, you can pull yourself off that cold kitchen floor. Even if it takes a week or a month, eventually you will be able to get back up and remember your greatness. Not the greatness of ego or arrogance, but the greatness in all of us. Even if you’re unable to see it at times—much like the sun on a foggy day—it doesn’t mean the greatness is not there. It will still be there when you are ready to stand back up and live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to let the fear of pain stop you. Suffering is a part of life, but in the end, it can make you stronger.

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” —Erich Fromm

We all know breakups are hard. Every one of us has experienced some form of heartache at one point or another, but we all experience and are affected by it in different ways. Why do some of us come out stronger in the end while others end up feeling beaten down and defeated? How can we harness the potential healing power of pain?

Fortunately, with enough will and hard work, this is a skill that can be learned by almost anyone.

Any breakup, even in the shortest-lived of relationships, can hurt like hell. One of the most devastating losses one can face, aside from the loss of a loved one, is the loss of potential—what could have been. The beginnings of any relationship carry with them the seeds of unlimited hope and potential. More often than not when a relationship doesn’t work out, it is not necessarily the person we ache for, but rather the story we created around them: what the person could have brought to our life, the vision we had for ourselves, and how the person fit into that vision.

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Breakup: Where Crisis Meets Opportunity

Like any crisis, a breakup can be an opportunity. In his book You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death, David Kessler describes loss as a window into old wounds. The end of any romantic relationship, be it a 20-year marriage or a three-month fling, can trigger a number of unconscious memories and hurts we thought had long ago healed. Much in the same way a familiar scent can take us back to a long-forgotten time or place, the pain of a breakup can open the deepest of wounds.

This could be just what we need to compel us to take a good look at our patterns and begin to change them. Breakups can be opportunities to reclaim our lives, on our terms, and to change any distorted thinking we may have around love and relationships. For example, metaphorically speaking, do you tend to date the same person over and over again, or do you find yourself dating the parent who loved you the least? Do you tend to idealize your partners? This could be a chance to learn how to see through the initial fog of infatuation, let go of unrealistic ideals, and move toward the relationship that is right for you.

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How to Cope with the Pain of Breakup

Kessler reminds us that if there is grief, there was love. What a beautiful thing to have been able to love and be loved! Though many would maintain it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, some may prefer to avoid potential heartache by never risking loss. This may be a way to avoid the temporary pain of breakup, but it’s also a surefire way to miss out on one of the greatest joys of life.

Keeping the positive front and center in the devastating aftermath of a breakup is no easy task, though. So what to do? How to cope? The following are a few ideas and reminders:

1. Give yourself permission to mourn. You don’t heal if you don’t feel! Perhaps the most unproductive thing you can do with your emotions is shut them off. Whether five years or five months, a broken attachment hurts. The length of time or circumstances don’t matter so much as what these wounds stir up unconsciously. We all carry some baggage, but if you don’t allow yourself time to go through the stages of grief, you may run the risk of taking unresolved anger and resentment into your next relationship.
2. Reach out to your “fan club.” Surround yourself with positive supports. This is especially important if you were with someone who was emotionally or otherwise abusive. Spend time with friends, family, mentors, and others who can reflect back to you the wonderful, valuable, lovable person you are.
3. Talk to a helping professional. As a therapist, I may be biased, but if you’re not already in therapy you may want to consider it—especially if you recognize destructive patterns in your relationships. Working with a therapist, whether individually or in a group setting, is a great way to learn about and begin to change unhealthy relational patterns.
4. Find the lesson meant for you. As Kessler notes, breakups can be opportunities to learn about yourself and grow. Learning a “lesson” doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means taking ownership of your happiness and taking advantage of a chance to create stronger relationships and possibly heal hurtful memories and distorted beliefs.
5. Channel your creativity. If you haven’t already done so, try to identify a creative outlet or activity that speaks to you and helps you heal. This can be journaling, painting, or taking an improv class, for example. As a writer and a former actor, I can attest to the cathartic power of creative pursuits.
6. Get back out there. There is something to be said for so-called “rebound” relationships—so long as all involved are honest with each another about what they’re looking for and how long they’re looking for it. Only you can determine when you are ready to re-enter the dating world. Whether for the purpose of finding a long-term relationship or simply to broaden your social circle, meeting people and cultivating new friendships, romantic or otherwise, can nourish the soul and help you develop a support network. So even if your next date doesn’t turn out to be the one, they could turn out to be a new best friend!

Of course, all of this is substantially easier said than done. As I write this, I’m reeling from my own recent breakup. It is what compelled me to write this piece, as writing is one of my creative healing outlets. My hope is to remain faithful to the advice I offer above. I will allow myself to grieve as I look for the lessons meant for me. And during the most difficult moments, I will remind myself that where there is grief, there was once love.

References:

1. Hay, L., & Kessler, D. (2015). You can heal your heart: Finding peace after a breakup, divorce, or death. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, Inc.
2. Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.

One of my favorite writers, fellow social worker Brené Brown, has dedicated years researching vulnerability and all those other seemingly ugly things—such as shame and fear—that get in our way of becoming our best selves. Vulnerability, in particular, gets a bad rap. Although it seems unappealing at best and hurts like hell at worst, vulnerability is a prerequisite when it comes to living a life of authenticity and intimacy.

As a writer, I often put myself “out there” at the risk of being rejected, criticized, and judged. (Surprise—three of my least favorite things!) As a therapist, I ask the people I work with in the therapy room to do the same—that is, if their goal is to create deeper intimacy in their lives. Brown’s work has forced me to turn the mirror on myself and find out how shame and the fear of being vulnerable are holding me back from being the best writer (and therapist, friend, sister, partner, etc.) I can be.

It’s important to note the difference between guilt, the feeling of regret for one’s actions, and its more pervasive counterpart, shame, the feeling that we, at our core, are not good enough, inadequate, less than, and undeserving.

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In her book Daring Greatly, Brown speaks of the little “gremlins,” or the negative messages we give ourselves (often external sources internalized), and how, in a twist of self-fulfilling fate, those negative gremlins sometimes end up showing up all around us. For example, the old friend you made back when you were in a dark place (when you could keep each other’s misery company) who expects you to be the same you and attacks you when you’re not. (Tip: It may be time to de-friend that friend.) Or the colleague who resents your achievements and thus feels the need to put you down to lift himself or herself up. (Reminder: It’s not you, it’s him/her!) And, finally, one of the worst creations to have come from modern technology—so-called Internet trolls. (What less courageous way to express yourself than to anonymously and publicly bully/shame someone brave enough to put themselves out there?)

The title of Brown’s book is inspired from Theodore Roosevelt’s “Citizenship in a Republic” speech, in which he states: “It’s not the critic who counts. … The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, who if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” If you are going to criticize someone’s work or behavior, Brown suggests, you’d better be in the arena, bloody and sweaty and fighting right along with that person.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better?

I’d like to add that if you feel the need to criticize, do so openly and with respect. Or better yet, as my mother used to say, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

What sadder outcome than the shutting down of a voice that could possibly add something to the world, if only simply touching one life for the better? How many voices and gifts would we have missed out on if those who were brave enough to dare allowed the naysayers to shut them down?

I speak to myself as I struggle to allow myself to even write this piece as, you can be sure, my own gremlins are hard at work. But, like Brown, I will walk the walk and put my words into the ether regardless of how vulnerable it may make me. Because ultimately, I do aspire to a life lived with authenticity and intimacy—no matter how much it may hurt. The alternative is just not an option. So, bring it on.

I dare and encourage you to do the same.

What are some things that shame and fear are preventing you from achieving?

“The real voyage of discovery consists not of seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.” —Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past 

While we cannot go back and change the past or erase painful memories, we can make choices in the present. We can choose how we live our lives, change the lens through which we perceive the world, and look for the lessons along the way.

According to the famous Chinese philosopher Confucius, there are three methods to gaining wisdom: reflection, which is noblest; imitation, which is easiest; and experience, which is bitterest. Bitter though it may be, our experience of pain and suffering has the potential to become our ultimate instrument of transformation and creativity. When we are hurt, slighted, or disappointed, it can be all too easy to follow the path of least resistance and wallow in self-pity. We all do this at one point or another, and can easily remain stuck. But we can also choose another path. We can make the conscious decision to embrace our pain and use it to fuel our creative impulses.

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Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Marcel Proust, and Edvard Munch, all recognized as masters in their respective disciplines, are just a handful of the many talented artists throughout time who turned unfathomable human suffering into riveting works of art. Through the process of personal catharsis and healing, each also transformed a society.

No work of visual art so simply and yet so poignantly depicts psychic pain more than Munch’s painting The Scream. Whether inspired by Munch’s sister, hospitalized for insanity at the time, or Munch’s own pain, this work is relatable as a portrait of universal human suffering. Munch shows us that when in the trenches of despair—anxiety, depression, or any number of other mental health issues—our perception of the world around us can shift wildly. In this piece, Munch’s view of his outer as well as inner landscape comes literally screaming off the palette.

When we are hurt, slighted, or disappointed, it can be all too easy to follow the path of least resistance and wallow in self-pity. We all do this at one point or another, and can easily remain stuck. But we can also choose another path.

The works of Kahlo hauntingly depict both the excruciating physical and psychological pain she experienced throughout much of her lifetime. From a deforming childhood illness and, later, a disfiguring accident which led to chronic pain, to the psychic scars of a tumultuous marriage and a social revolution, Kahlo takes unimaginable circumstances and transforms them into what are now renowned works of art—and potentially therapeutic tools. According to the American Medical Association’s Journal of Ethics, Kahlo’s work has been used by psychologists to empower women to talk about their experiences of physical and emotional pain, as in the cases of interpersonal violence, infertility, and chronic illness.

Artistic expression and exploration are invaluable tools in cases of childhood trauma. How does one reconcile that the same hand that betrays, wounds, and abuses is the one that he or she most needs? For countless victims of childhood abuse and neglect, violence, and other crimes of the soul, making sense of the world can seem an impossible task. Scottish poet John Burnside’s own painful and abusive childhood became the catalyst to several established literary pieces, most notably his memoir, A Lie About My Father. In this tale of forgiving, though certainly not forgetting, Burnside seeks to understand his father, an abusive man with alcoholism for whom “cruelty was an ideology,” and in this process comes to forgive the man who raised him.

Angelou’s Caged Bird is perhaps one of the finest poetic expressions of the injustice of racial oppression. Utilizing nothing more than language, she speaks to the pain of discrimination and the “shackles of racism and misogyny.” Also a victim of childhood rape, Angelou describes the “caged bird” whose “wings are clipped” or freedoms deprived, yet who chooses to use his voice for change:

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

In seeking to solve the “puzzle of inequality and hate,” Angelou’s transformation of her experience paved the way for not only personal healing and liberation but, as a fierce civil rights activist, was instrumental in fueling societal change.

One need not be a poet, painter, or activist to implement the tools of creative transformation. Whether it is simply taking a course in painting or starting a journal, expressing rather than repressing may prove invaluable in the healing process. Whether out of societal or personal oppression, every caged bird has a voice—and the potential to transform a society or simply heal a soul.

References:

1. Angelo, F. (2013). Pain and the Paintbrush: The Life and Art of Frida Kahlo. AMA Journal of Ethics, 15 (5), 460-465. Retrieved from http://journalofethics.ama-assn.org/2013/05/imhl1-1305.html
2. Burnside, J. (2006). A Lie About My Father.
3. Lubow, A. (2006). Edvard Munch: Beyond The Scream. Smithsonian Magazine. Retrieved from: http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/edvard-munch-beyond-the-scream-111810150/
4. Sethis, A. (2013). I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Angelou, Maya-Review. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/books/2013/aug/18/maya-angelou-caged-bird-review

The ignorance about mental health issues that continues to exist among otherwise intelligent individuals is perplexing. In today’s modern world, with continuously increasing tolerance for human differences, many of yesterday’s taboos have become today’s facts of life. Issues from racism to sexual identity have been stridently tackled and, while much work remains to be done, we have come miles. The recent Supreme Court ruling regarding gay marriage is a perfect example of how far we have come.

However, there still remains what some have referred to as “the last taboo.” Namely, depression continues to be one of the most stigmatized mental health issues out there. This is ironic, given that by the year 2020, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, depression is estimated to be the second most common health problem in the world. Further, because of the unjustified stigma that still exists, a large percentage of those who experience depression will not be treated.

So, what is the missing piece to this puzzle? Why is the message not resonating with the greater population? Why is stigma still so prevalent in our society? As mental health practitioners and social advocates, what can we do to eradicate this social dilemma?

When it comes to obtaining treatment for medical ailments as benign as the common cold, people don’t think twice about running to the doctor, or the acupuncturist, and spending the money on treatments to feel better. So, why do so many who suffer from depression continue to hesitate, despite all of the treatment options available?

[fat_widget_right]In addition to the externalized stigma or discrimination toward those with mental health issues that exists in society, there comes internalized stigma, or self-shame. This makes the experience of mental health issues all the more devastating. Many times, it is the internalized shame that stops people from acknowledging psychological problems and receiving treatment, since many see it as akin to admitting that they are weak or damaged in some way.

According to the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, a panel that sets treatment guidelines for primary care physicians, an estimated 6% of teens in the United States suffer from clinical depression, yet most go undiagnosed and, therefore, untreated. This information alone strongly indicates a dire need to raise awareness.

But where do we start?

How about with the media? Instead of programs like Criminal Minds perpetuating the stereotype of schizophrenia as a violent disease, let’s have some intelligent programming that humanizes mental health issues. What Will and Grace did for sexual identity, perhaps the same can be done for depression. Since we are a society so attached to the media, why not take advantage of the opportunity to educate people?

We can also begin in our school system, making mental health education a part of the curriculum. As has been discovered in other areas such as sex education, knowledge can be a powerful tool in prevention. Why is it that when we learned about Abraham Lincoln in social studies, or Walt Whitman in literature class, we learned almost everything about them except the fact that they experienced psychological problems? Why were these facts omitted from the textbooks and class lectures? We need to make stigma a thing of the past and teach our future leaders of tomorrow that it is okay to recognize, and seek treatment for, the experience of clinical depression and other mental conditions.

Before we begin with the masses, let us also first look at ourselves as therapists and mental health caregivers. We must look at our own core beliefs and biases, which can directly affect the work we do. We may be unknowingly perpetuating the stigma of depression and other psychological issues. Change must begin within the mental health community. To change others’ minds, we must first change our own.

References:

1. Depression statistics (2008). Retrieved April 3, 2009 from: http://depression.emedtv.com/depression/depression-statistics.html
2. Panel: All teens should be tested for depression. (2009). The Associated Press. Retrieved from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29945008/