Although grief is a part of life, it can be one of the hardest parts of life, and one of the most difficult to understand. At the end of the day, grief is a very lonely journey. People who are ensconced in the process of grieving often say they feel like they’re alone, like they’re going crazy, like the rest of the world is buzzing around them while they’re trapped in a bubble, and like they’ve lost themselves and wonder when they’ll be “normal” again. It’s a process that is very internal and confusing, and it can be difficult to feel a sense of connection in the world.

To be in an intimate relationship with someone who is in this space can feel just as lonely and confusing. You want to be there for your partner, but don’t know what he or she needs or wants. You want the person to feel better. You want the person to be him/herself again. You want the person to be able to support you on those days when your life feels hard. Or maybe, very simply, you just want that smile or playfulness back that used to be so fun.

When a person is grieving, his or her capacity for giving to a relationship is far less than normal. He or she is consumed with comprehending the loss experienced, and with coping with the multitude of feelings that accompany grief. In many cases, a person experiences depression alongside the grief, which can feel like another barrier to relating with him or her.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

I’ve seen many couples, of all lengths of relationships, struggle through these issues and wonder how their relationship can survive such a raw and inevitably difficult time in life. It would seem that the longer a couple has been together, the greater the ability of both people to stick through the hard times with each other, possibly because they have made a commitment to each other, or because there is more trust developed in the relationship. But what I’ve witnessed is the success of many of these couples, regardless of how long they have been together, as they have moved toward each other, rather than away from each other, during this hard time. If two people believe in their relationship AND feel that they can get their needs for connection met AND there is patience available in the partnership, the outcome is usually positive. How long they’ve been together is less of an influence if these pieces are present.

1. Get some of your needs met outside of your relationship. The simple truth is that your partner can’t be there as much as he or she could before the loss because the person is busy experiencing so many feelings and reactions to that loss. You may feel upset or angry that this is the case. If you do, talk with someone about it. If you’re judging yourself for feeling this way, talk with someone about that as well. And amid all of it, understand that your partner just can’t be there as much right now, and it’s OK for you to seek friendship and social connection with your friends or social spheres more regularly. You are experiencing something fundamentally different than your partner, and you cannot expect yourself or your partner to be in a different place.
2. Have patience. Your partner will return. The grief will integrate into his or her life and psyche, and be less of an overwhelming force that shrouds each day. Grief doesn’t ever go away; however, it does subside, and your partner’s “normal” personality will come back, albeit with more of a personal understanding of what life means to them. This is an opportunity for you to connect with the person in a very deep way. The things your partner will come through this experience with are incredibly important and will offer you not only a perspective on how grief feels, but also a perspective on your partner’s unique way of finding meaning in life. This could be an amazing source of connection for you both as you gain understanding about this deep and sacred aspect of your partner’s psyche.
3. Understand your own grief. Grief can beget grief. Seeing someone we love grieve often reminds us of our own grief, and can remind us in very visceral ways what it was like to lose someone—or a pet. In the grand scheme of things you do not have to put your experience on hold; in fact, this would be detrimental to your relationship and to yourself. In the moment, you may have to put aside what you’re feeling in order to be fully present for your partner, but please come back to it. Give your own experience the space it needs, whether by talking with someone, journaling, making art, taking a walk, or just sitting with it. When your partner is ready, he or she may even ask you about it.
4. Let your partner feel all of his or her feelings. For those of us who take our responsibilities seriously, the experience of watching someone in discomfort or distress can trigger a cascade of our own discomfort that we often assuage by trying to say the right thing or by trying to find a solution to the “problem.” If there is one thing you remember from this article, remember that feelings are not problems. Your partner must feel the entirety of his or her experience if he or she is going to get through the grief in one piece. This means that there is nothing “right” to say, there is nothing you can do to make the person feel better, and in fact when you try to make the person feel better you’re creating a dissonance between the two of you that will just make your relationship suffer. Your partner needs you to simply hear what this is like for him or her, and to accept it. Accept your partner’s feelings as his or her truth, and accept the fact there is nothing to do about it. The act of simply listening without rushing in to change anything will offer more than you can imagine.

Recently I was walking through the grocery store, stopped in the deodorant section, and found myself dismayed. The women’s deodorants didn’t appeal to me at all—too pink, too delicate, too flowery-smelling—and I couldn’t bring myself to pick one up. Yet my other options, the men’s deodorants, were distinctly off-limits. What a fraud I would be, were I to even pick up one of these black, musky-smelling containers of sweat-defying deodorant. So there I was, stuck in the middle of a decision that seemed so silly and small yet so huge at the same time.

Maybe a similar monologue has run through your head, or you’ve heard a similar story from someone you know or love.

We live in a society that demands for us to choose, around every corner, what box to check. For those who have begun to understand that gender may be an ambiguous presence inside them, making sense of what’s true on the inside and what’s fabricated from the outside is a difficult process. Even coming to terms with that nagging sense that you may not be like most other people is a feat of grand proportion. If you’re reading this and this describes you, just know that you’re not alone—more and more people are discovering a similar thing about themselves.

Gender identity is a term that describes the way you relate to your gender most authentically. Gender expression is the way you choose to outwardly express this sense of identity (and note that these two things can be different). When we talk about gender identity, questioning, and the process of working through this, we’re talking about finding what’s true for yourself on the inside, reconciling this with your biological sex, and any expectations the outside world may have for your gender expression.

There are many different ways to identify and express yourself, and so finding what feels authentic for you can be a much larger process than simply determining whether you feel more male or more female. For many, ambiguity plays a central role in how they identify, and making a cut-and-dry statement about identity is nearly impossible. Others feel very clearly that their most authentic experience is to live as another gender.

Ultimately, it’s important to understand that gender is complex and cannot be reduced to two polarities. I’ve been exposed to different ways of visualizing gender, including as a spectrum, a continuum, and a web; all highlight the fact that there is a lot of space for you to explore in the realm of gender. Wherever you find yourself, if it feels right, is absolutely acceptable.

In my work with people who are exploring the complexity of gender in their lives, we often start with the question of where to be amidst this grand universe of gender. When do you feel most authentically you? What aspects of different genders do you like or dislike? Do you like being different, or would you rather be able to fit in more? Is androgyny appealing to you? Do labels help or hurt you? These are a launching point for many, many other questions and discussions surrounding the idea of gender and how it plays out in each individual’s life.

At different points along the process it becomes necessary to focus on the internalized sense of judgment, shame, or oppression often present in people questioning their gender identity. We all have it, no matter who we are, simply because we live in a society that generates phobia based on gender ambiguity. We have all been led to believe that there is something wrong if a person either can’t be coded into a gender, or if a person is clearly expressing themselves as the “wrong” gender.

As much as we intellectually understand that there is nothing wrong with these scenarios, something inside us wells up with a very uncomfortable and deep sense of shame that can be challenging to transform. Unraveling these feelings so that we can clearly see that it’s a product of faulty messaging and not about us, nor our fault, is paramount to developing a sense of empowerment.

If you’re experiencing some of this shame, or simply a feeling of wanting to keep everything hidden, what do you do?

1. Shine a light into the dark recesses of your experience. Shame builds on itself when we don’t talk about things, so the simple act of sharing your story with someone you trust can be monumentally freeing. This experience can reinforce two things: that you’re a normal human who embodies basic goodness, and that you don’t have to feel overpowered by your shame. In essence, you have control.
2. Talk with someone who can help you analyze the external and internal messages you’re holding about yourself. Our minds fill in the blanks with reasoning when we feel something but don’t know why. So when we feel put off because someone gave us a strange look, or because someone misgendered us, our minds go into a flurry of activity to help us make sense of our feelings. We come up with a reason for their reaction, and often times this reason is based upon messages we’ve encountered in the world. Often they were things we were led to believe early on in our lives about who we are, whereas other times the messages are things we’ve taken in as a belief because if we didn’t believe them, we would be too disconnected from society. Our psyches ultimately want connection, and things that threaten that connection are formed into aspects of the self that need repair. We assume that something needs to be repaired, or that there’s something wrong with who we are. In both cases, there is a message about the self that needs reframing, and this is where the deeper work of therapy can be really helpful.
3. Practice being with these uncomfortable feelings. Again, this is where working with a therapist can be invaluable. We need to develop our own ability to tolerate the deep discomfort of shame, and until we do this we won’t be able to transform these feelings into something positive. Learning to tolerate discomfort is a subtle and sometimes slow process that requires compassion, patience, space, and the presence of someone who can be a helpful guide.
4. From tolerance to acceptance. Gender roles and norms haven’t changed much in the last several hundred years, and some of this is attributed to brain-based gender differences. New research is being done on the brain structure of people who identify as transgender, and there is evidence to support the idea that the brain structure of transgender people is different than that of people who are cisgendered (people whose gender identity is congruent with their biological sex, i.e., a biologically born female who identifies as female). There’s also a growing camp of researchers who argue that culture and nurturing actually shape the way we behave. So, if we assume that both of these sides are valid, we can put to rest some of the questioning around why and concentrate on the idea that what’s right for you is right. Once we can accept this and discern fabricated ideals from true ideals, we can move through the world from an empowered place where being different than the norm is totally worth it. Being in this place is what connects us to others, and this connection is what effects change in society.
5. Have a good vent about the superficiality of gender messaging in our society. Complain away! There’s a lot that needs changing, and at the very least you can look at all of these things with someone who gets it. Most people can relate with the feeling of being placed in a box that doesn’t fit who they really are.