I witness daily how believing circumstances should be different can negatively affect one’s life. I observe this dilemma not only in my work as a psychologist, but in my own life. Recently, I became stuck at a European airport on my way back to the United States. The delay was weather related, as the airplane we were scheduled to take could not get to us due to storms on the North American east coast. As I grumbled along, checking in and out of security while waiting at the airport for about 12 hours, I noticed I was becoming increasingly miserable. When I examined the situation, I realized my state of mind was not a result of being cold, starving, or mistreated. My misery was largely due to my expectation that the plane “should” be there to take me home; when it wasn’t, I was angry and irritable.

As it dawned on me how I was the source of my own misery, I remembered learning about Albert Ellis, who developed rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT). He would frequently tell others to stop “shoulding” on themselves. In essence, denying what actually is and feeling that a situation or person should be different to make our lives better is a cognitive distortion. When we feel that some other person or entity is the cause of our misery, we are in some ways acting entitled, as if the world should bend to our wishes and needs. As the situation at the airport unraveled—resulting in an overnight hotel stay, a 33-hour delay, and a different airline returning me to the U.S.—I observed firsthand how we create our own misery and often misattribute that suffering to someone or something else.

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On the second day of waiting at the airport, a large group of passengers from my flight began to cling and complain together. As I approached the group and heard their remarks, I could feel the negativity radiating from them. I quickly decided to stand near another group of passengers I stood in line next to the night before. This group chatted and joked, shared about their lives, and had a much more positive attitude. As the hours rolled by, I noticed we were actually having a good time! We had fun spending our meal vouchers on junk food, learned about each other’s homes and families, and held places for each other in line to give each person a break to sit. We took the opportunity to connect with each other in a way that would not have been possible had the plane left on schedule the day before.

The more negative group, on the other hand, began to almost riot. Airport security was called to keep them in check, and the angry passengers threatened to call the mayor of the city, file claims of human rights violations, and basically made the situation awful. We were all in the same situation, yet one group decided to make it miserable, while others decided to make the best of it. This experience opened my eyes to just how much power and choice we often have in a situation, even when there are circumstances beyond our control.

It is not someone else’s responsibility to remove all obstacles and make a smooth path to our success and comfort. Thinking otherwise is just an unproductive illusion.

Now, I am not suggesting that anyone put up with abuse or mistreatment. While I do believe fair and humane treatment is a must, beyond those basic considerations, no one owes us anything. It is not someone else’s responsibility to remove all obstacles and make a smooth path to our success and comfort. Thinking otherwise is just an unproductive illusion. Next time you feel upset or irritated, consider what you might change, even if it is quite small, to improve the situation or your experience of the situation.

Tom Evans, one of my favorite guided meditation instructors, suggests that experiencing adversity is a sign that things could be done in an easier way, and acknowledging this is an opportunity to think or do something differently. Another way to undo a difficult situation is to consider what you are grateful for rather than what you dislike or hate. Focusing on what is not working is a way of not being grateful for what is working. When we are grateful for what is, rather than being angry with what isn’t, we move from a place of unrealistic expectations and entitlement to a calmer and more content way of being.

If you spend more time in the “should” trap than you would like, a therapist can help you find a productive way forward.

In recent years, we may have witnessed service animals assisting humans more than ever before. Traditionally, we may be accustomed to observing someone who is blind or has a visibly noticeable challenge utilize the service of an animal, usually a dog. Today, though, animals are assisting with less visible concerns, including mental health conditions and challenges including autism, posttraumatic stress, anxiety, and panic, among others.

Typically, a psychiatric service dog provides assistance by helping a person of any age with needs that could not be met by other means. Service dogs can also disrupt problematic or self-harming behaviors or challenges, allowing a person to engage in daily activities as fully and successfully as possible.

For example, someone with PTSD might experiences hypervigilance and be afraid of being vulnerable in public or entering their home after being away. A psychiatric service dog can not only provide additional protection but also help the person regain a sense of calm by looking out for and alerting them to potential risks in public and screening for threats before they re-enter their home. A child with autism might have a service dog who helps disrupt self-injurious behavior or provides a calming effect during heightened emotional states.

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Understanding and Responding to Service Animals

As animals appear in places we are not used to seeing them in, new concerns may be raised, particularly for those who depend on the assistance of a service animal. As a psychologist who works with people who have service animals, I would like to address how the rest of us might be most helpful and supportive of those who have service animals. When the general public does not know how to act or respond to a service animal, this can put both the animal and the human who depends upon its service in danger.

It may not be apparent to us why a person has a service animal, but we are not entitled to ask for such a disclosure.

Below is a quick and easy guide for what you need to know about service animals and how you can best support someone who has a service animal.

Important things to know about service animals:

1. Service animals are specially trained to help the person they serve. When out in public, service animals are “on duty.” Distracting service animals in any way (calling them, making sounds to get their attention, or trying to pet them, etc.) may keep them from completing their job, which could be life-threatening for the person who needs their help.
2. Not all disabilities are visible. Many people are accustomed to seeing service dogs accompany people who have visible physical disabilities, such as blindness. However, keep in mind that many animals are trained to help people with conditions that are not obvious to others. It might seem harmless to address a service dog if the person they are assisting seems physically able-bodied, but not only is it never a good idea to make assumptions about a person’s ability, distracting the service animal could be equally as damaging as distracting a seeing-eye dog.
3. It is not appropriate to ask why someone has a service animal. It may not be apparent to us why a person has a service animal, but we are not entitled to ask for such a disclosure. Asking such a question is akin to asking a person about their medical history. How would you feel if a stranger on the street asked about your medical history? Beyond this, it may be traumatizing for some to talk about why they have a service dog. Imagine a person who needs a service dog to help them with PTSD symptoms and consider that asking them why they have a service dog is, in a way, asking them about their trauma. Recounting past traumatic experiences may lead to further trauma.

Responding to service animals in public:

1. If a service animal is wearing a vest or any accessories that indicate it is a service animal, you should consider the animal to be “on duty.”
2. While they may be furry and cuddly like pets, a service animal on duty is essentially equivalent to medical equipment and should be responded to accordingly. The best thing to do is ignore the animal.
3. The service animal is there to serve a person; it is not there for entertainment or play. Do not call, make sounds to attract (whistling, kissing sounds, etc.), approach, or pet the service animal.
4. Do not let your dog or animal approach the service animal.
5. Do not ask the person why they have a service animal.
6. If you have children, teach them these guiding principles. Make sure children know not to run up to a service animal or pet it. If you see your friends try to interact with a service animal, let them know why it isn’t a good idea.
7. If you are afraid of or allergic to the service animal, simply keep a reasonable space between you and the service animal. Service animals are trained to not interact with others unless they consider them a threat to the person they are serving. Avoiding loud or emotional responses around a service animal is likely to be enough of a buffer to minimize or eliminate any contact you might have with the service animal.

It is my hope that this brief overview can help provide education about service animals so the people who depend on their assistance are able to go out in public with less apprehension and anxiety.

If you happen to find yourself in a situation where you are uncertain what to do around a service animal, simply ask the person with the animal about their needs or preferences without asking for details about their need for a service animal. Respectful communication and greater awareness are generally helpful for all involved, regardless of the circumstances.

In January, I lost my best and dearest friend—my dog, Paco. Even though he was almost 15 years old, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. In fact, it was so painful I needed six months until I could write about it. I considered not discussing this dark and depressing time in my life, as it would be so much easier in many ways to simply not talk about it. However, when I do speak about it, I realize just how helpful it is for other pet parents who have experienced this type of loss. So, in honor of Paco and all animal lovers, I share my experience to help you work through your grief in the healthiest way possible. I also offer some advice for others who seek to understand why this loss is so difficult for their loved ones.

First, let me address the proverbial elephant in the room. Many people, particularly those who do not feel connected with or attached to animals, may not understand why losing an animal companion is so difficult. I have heard countless times from well-meaning others that, because animals do not have as long of a life expectancy, this loss is expected and just a part of life. It is often followed by the comment, “You gave him/her a good life.”

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Even while such observations may be factually true, comments like these can feel dismissive. Yes, with some exceptions, we all know our dogs, cats, or other animal children probably will not live as long as we will. Nonetheless, comments of this nature are not at all helpful. So if you know someone who recently lost a “fur baby,” please choose your words more carefully. Other phrases to avoid include, “Just get another dog,” or, when someone with a recent loss adopts another animal, “It’s a replacement!” No animal (or life, for that matter) can be replaced. For those of us who are pet parents, comments like these are akin to telling a person that their human child could be replaced by another.

Next, I would like to share why our fur babies are so important to us. Relationships between humans are complicated. With animals, the relationship is simple and straightforward. There is unconditional love between the person and animal. There is no tension or noise about who took out the trash, no betrayal, no disappointment. For me, the human-animal bond is the most pure and joyful experience in life.

When an animal companion dies, there are no mixed feelings as there might be with humans; joy and love are simply ripped from our lives. Aside from possible relief that an animal’s suffering has ended, there is no upside. There is just pain, depression, and heartache.

When an animal companion dies, there are no mixed feelings as there might be with humans; joy and love are simply ripped from our lives. Aside from possible relief that an animal’s suffering has ended, there is no upside. There is just pain, depression, and heartache.

Given these circumstances, I found it excruciating to grieve Paco’s death.

How to Cope with Your Grief

For those, like me, who have lost a beloved animal companion, I offer these thoughts:

1. What you are feeling is real, valid, and painful. Take as much time as you need to grieve. Cry when you feel the urge. Do what you need to do and on your own timetable. Resist the urge to diminish or downplay your suffering, particularly if doing so is associated with feeling pressure because your loss was an animal and not a human.
2. Understand that grief comes in waves. It is natural to feel numb at times and “normal” at others. You might continue to grieve for months or years. It is okay. The more you can allow yourself to experience your feelings, no matter what they might be, the easier it may be to get through the loss.
3. Seek therapy or a support group. Therapy may be particularly useful if your grief results in difficulties getting through work or your personal life for an extended period. There are even grief groups specifically for pet loss.
4. It is okay to adopt another animal. Some people may adopt another pet immediately, while others need more time. There is no right answer. Adopting sooner rather than later is not necessarily a sign you are not acknowledging your loss. If you adopt more quickly, you will still likely notice your grief. A new companion might allow you to reconnect with joy again, but it will not replace your lost loved one.

How to Help Others with Their Grief

For those wishing to offer support to someone who lost a beloved pet, I offer this advice:

1. Avoid saying anything that could be considered dismissive. Such comments may include variations of:
   • “Dogs/cats/etc. do not live that long. This is just what happens. It is the circle of life.”
   • “You can get another pet.”
   • “You will get a replacement.”
   • “Sometimes you just need to put them to sleep.”
   • “It’s just an animal.”
2. Do not pry for information about how the animal died or any other details. Sometimes people need space and time to grieve. Retelling the story can be too painful, especially in the beginning. Prioritize the grieving person’s wishes over your need to know.
3. Refrain from telling the person how they should grieve. Everyone grieves differently; there is no right or wrong way and there is no schedule. If someone is depressed for an extended period, you can encourage them to look into grief counseling or a support group if it feels appropriate, but that suggestion must be made carefully and gently. Telling someone it has been long enough and they need to get over it is counterproductive and hurtful.
4. Ask the person what they would like you to do (or not do). It is okay to ask the person what they need and how you can help. Sometimes a person will want to be left alone, sometimes they might need a hug, and sometimes they might need to talk. The more you can honor their wishes and needs, the more helpful it will be. And they will remember this kindness. Ultimately, it may strengthen your relationship with them.

I dedicate this piece to Paco Curiel (2002-2017), who taught me how to love fiercely, fearlessly, and deeply.

Don’t let my youthful face fool you—I’m a few years older than Taylor Swift. (No, I’m not telling you how many years older. How rude of you to ask! We just met.) Nonetheless, the iconic pop star has several lessons those from every generation—millennials to boomers—could stand to learn, even if you are not a Swiftie or are repelled by the idea of becoming one. (I must confess, though, life on the Swiftie side really is delightful!)

Life Lesson No. 1

“Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you, especially when they don’t know you.”

I’m taking this quote directly from Taylor when she performed at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Well said, Taylor.

How many times have you worried about other people’s opinions of you? How has that worry held you back? What might you have achieved or accomplished if you had been able to let go of that worry? Could you have felt better about yourself?

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One thing I’ve learned in life is that, the majority of the time, people are focused on themselves—so much so they probably have no clue what you’re doing. And if they did, they would likely be more concerned about what you thought about what they thought of you! (Are you still with me?)

Life Lesson No. 2

Your 20s are both “miserable and magical” and a time to feel “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

As a psychologist, I provide therapy to adults of all ages, from every decade of life from the 20s to the 80s. Each decade has common challenges. Yet, for those in their 20s, it can be a landmine of obstacles. For many, the 20s are a time when nearly everything in life is up in the air, sometimes all at once.

Young adults often question what they should do for a living, who they should date (perhaps exploring or questioning their sexuality), where they should live, even who they feel they truly are. These concerns don’t magically or mysteriously resolve the day you turn 30. However, as people move through their 20s, they often find some grounding in these various areas that can be built upon in future decades. In the interim, the vast selection and possibilities can feel liberating, scary, or even isolating. Any unpleasant feelings can be exacerbated by people aged 30 and over who act dismissive, telling those in their 20s they have no problems because they are young. Maybe they had so much fun in their 20s they can’t remember the associated and occasional angst. For their sake, I hope that’s the case.

Life Lesson No. 3

When you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

It’s hard for me to imagine that concert-goers under age 10 could understand the lyrics, “When I was drowning/that’s when I could finally breathe.” For me, I associate this song (“Clean”) and its lyrics with the occasional importance of hitting bottom, or at least getting close. It is often only when you hit bottom that you realize you can float, or essentially discover how resilient you really are.

As humans, we typically do all we can to avoid emotional pain. But people die, get divorced, get fired from jobs, and go through countless other forms of adversity. And the only option is to keep going forward, even if you take some time to grieve and retreat, because you must come out the other side. When you do, you will realize you are stronger than you think.

Life Lesson No. 4

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake.

When you run into these characters, try to do like Taylor and “shake it off.” This is related to life lesson No. 1—not letting others define you. Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t let others throw you off your game.

I often advise people in therapy to keep their eyes on their own lane. Just as when driving, if you focus on someone else’s life or drama, you may get hurt in a crash or start driving to someone else’s destination.

Life Lesson No. 5

Always take the high road, even when others don’t (ahem, Kanye).

This life lesson can be learned anytime Taylor must interact with Kanye West or his crew. Few of us will ever forget the infamous 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye rudely interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video. And we won’t soon forget the recent lyrics Kanye wrote about Taylor, the video he made, and the subsequent reactions on social media.

It doesn’t seem to matter who throws shade her way; her responses, whether in an acceptance speech or in a tweet, always seem to reflect maturity and integrity. I don’t know how she maintains such composure, but it’s impressive. I know what I wanted to say to Kanye, but Taylor never went there. She rose above.

Life Lesson No. 6

Make art out of your pain.

Some of Taylor’s best work emerged from times of what seemed like significant pain. Figure out how you can work with your pain and sadness to create something amazing or healing. Such an approach could transform your life.

In my practice, I call this a “tragic gift.” This relates to life lesson No. 3—when you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

I could write about several more life lessons I’ve learned from Taylor Swift, including investing in and supporting your friends, standing up for what you feel is right, being able to laugh at yourself, and giving back to your community. But you get the idea. Despite Taylor’s relatively young age, there is much we can learn from her. One of my favorite lessons is you can be a woman and be powerful, beautiful, and intelligent. Thank you, Taylor!