Have you noticed a general unease, anxiety, or agitation as you move through your days, with sudden bursts of more extreme rage or anxiety when certain things don’t go your way?  Do you notice a frequent feeling of depression and despair when you think about how your life is going?  Does every day feel like you’re walking through mud or as if nothing feels good enough?

There may be a variety of causes for these feelings, but I want to focus specifically on one cause that plagues many of us: the war we are waging against reality. To put it another way, we may have certain pictures in our minds of how we think life should look and cannot accept when those pictures do not correspond to what life really is shaping out to be. In this article, I want to help you identify if you are indeed waging such a war and (if so) how you can find peace by accepting yourself and your life as is.

Why Do We Wage War with Reality?

One of the most difficult aspects of life for human beings is our lack of control. It is often the cause of a tremendous amount of anxiety, and many of us unconsciously spend a great deal of energy developing strategies to attempt to establish control or convince ourselves that we can control life. When things in life go in certain ways that demonstrate our lack of control, it can be quite unnerving. If you experienced pain as a child, when a lack of control is quite evident, unnerving events now may feel especially threatening. [fat_widget_right]

If this resonates for you, you may be unconsciously fighting against reality. Other signs might include frequent agitation and anxiety or rage when things happen that you don’t want to happen. This can range from spilling something on the floor, to traffic, to not performing the way you want, to feeling frequently agitated by the people in your lives. And if these intense emotional reactions are due to particular events, they may be evoking memories of injuries you may have sustained as a child.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance describes the act of embracing, with your entire being, what is happening now. It is accepting that you cannot control others. It means accepting yourself as you are, no matter who that person is. Radical acceptance means removing the additional layer of reactions to the things that are happening that you do not like.

Accepting that you are not in control takes a lot of practice! It helps to remember you don’t have to like what is happening. In fact, radical acceptance does not mean you resign yourself to injustice or harm. What it does mean is accepting what is happening in order to take action appropriately and effectively.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

When you accept life, you will find that you can choose how to respond to it rather than feel imprisoned by it, and this, in turn, may help you find a connection to joy.

Here are a few ways to start down the road to radical acceptance:

1. Build your awareness. Start to observe your own reactions to life’s twists and turns as much as possible. Examine which kinds of twists and turns in particular get to you. How do you typically react? Building awareness in and of itself is an act of acceptance because it is separate from judgment and reaction.
2. Practice watching your breath. You don’t need a meditation practice to watch your breath. Whenever you feel a reaction coming on, take several deep breaths into your belly, as many as you can until your reaction subsides. This and awareness are the seeds of radical acceptance.
3. Work with your thoughts. As you build your awareness, you will notice your reactive thoughts take a certain form: “This sucks!” “I hate this!” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do bad things always happen?” Once you can identify those thoughts, you can work with them by counteracting them. You can challenge those thoughts by refuting them in your own mind: “Actually, bad things don’t always happen to me.” “Yes, I don’t like this, but it’s okay. I can deal with it.”

These are some of the basic but surprisingly difficult ways to develop radical acceptance. If you dedicate to these practices, you may find it easier to shift the way you relate to life and that, by doing so, you find more peace and joy in life.

If you find the practice of radical acceptance to be challenging, a mental health professional can offer support and guidance. I wish you the best in your pursuit.

Pursuing psychotherapy is a brave endeavor indeed. Many people make this choice when they find themselves in a dark place and are unable to see any light ahead of them.

In order to even begin the process of finding a therapist, you may first have to confront societal and internal judgments (“I must be sick.” “What’s wrong with me that I need to do this?” and so on). After that, you then find yourself attempting to choose a complete stranger who you will entrust with your innermost thoughts. If you haven’t sought therapy before, you may feel overwhelmed and as if you are stepping into the unknown. You might feel anxious or afraid and be unsure of the best way to proceed.

If you are experiencing serious distress, you may have gone as far as you can by yourself, or with the support of friends and family, and done as much as possible in order to improve on your own. You may feel as if you have no further choice beyond therapy.

Whatever your reasons for choosing therapy, however you get to the therapy office, I have a tremendous faith in the psychotherapeutic process. When a therapist and the person seeking help can earnestly work together to explore the person’s inner world, utilizing the contact made between the two of them (the therapeutic relationship), greater insight and an increased ability to address and work through inner conflicts is likely, and maturation often follows.

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I don’t think that every therapy process is successful, however. A number of unconscious forces may be at work, in either the person seeking help or the therapist attempting to help them, and any of these might effectively derail therapy.

Keeping the following eight points in mind, from the time you begin therapy and throughout the process, may help you make the best of your choice to seek help—and get the most out of your therapy sessions.

1. Therapy starts when you decide to seek therapy.

Take your search for a therapist seriously. Try to get a few names of potential therapists you can then interview. Taking the time to be thorough and control your search better enables you to find the therapist who fits you best, not only with regard to the specific issues bringing you to therapy, but also with regard to your personality and identity.

Some mental health professionals offer a first consultation over the phone, free of charge. Take advantage of this, if possible. You may be able to get a feel for their manner and personality, and at the very least, rule out some who may not be ideal for you and your needs.

2. Allow yourself the time to assess the fit of your therapist.

If you are in distress, you may be anxious to begin therapy and alleviate some of what you are struggling with. This is a common feeling. You might want to just choose a therapist at random and fall right into the process of therapy. While this can work for some people, it is often best to consider the first few sessions as a mutual assessment and use them to get a felt sense of whether this therapist not only listens, but hears what you have to say, and if this is a helping professional you feel comfortable with. Doing so is likely to greatly increase the chances for a good therapeutic alliance and eventually, success with treatment.

That being said, listen to your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s generally best to move on in your search.

3. Take some time in the beginning to think about your goals for therapy.

Although therapy can take unexpected twists and turns, you can establish a more definitive direction to continue to assess the therapy if you establish goals in the beginning and keep these in mind throughout your work with a therapist. Goals might include minimizing painful symptoms, gaining insight, or pursuing transformation, among others. Regardless of what goals look like for you, they can often serve as a guide when therapy seems aimless.

Regardless of the number of therapy sessions you attend each week, you can maximize the benefits of treatment if you take the time to reflect on what you talked about in the session and—even more importantly—what you felt during and after each session.

4. Share your doubts, fears, concerns, and hopes.

You might be surprised to learn many people don’t share their doubts, fears, concerns, or even hopes with their therapist, perhaps because doing so might feel scary. But I say it can be well worth the risk! These feelings are deep expressions of you, and they can help your therapist know your particular vulnerabilities and become more informed about what you need from your therapy.

If your therapist reacts negatively to these feelings, this is often a red flag they might not be a good fit for your needs.

5. Talk to others who are receiving or have received “good” therapies.

It can be helpful to talk to friends or family members who have had a positive therapy experience. It’s possible to discuss this without exchanging details that may be too personal or private. You might simply ask what helped them most in their experience, or what detail(s) made their therapist a good fit. Although every therapeutic relationship will be unique, there are some universal aspects of good therapy you can look for.

6. If you don’t like something your therapist says, tell them. If you really like something your therapist says, tell them.

It is very possible that, if you are suffering or experiencing distress as an adult, your injuries were originally sustained within the context of your early relationships with caretakers. Thus, opportunities for healing are often greatest within the context of a relationship. Because of this, it is important to share feelings of hurt, anger, or disappointment, along with more positive feelings, with your therapist. This feedback is helpful, and can be essential, as it helps your therapist get to know you better and gain greater understanding of what you need from therapy.

7. Try to reflect on each session in between sessions. Share those thoughts with your therapist.

Regardless of the number of therapy sessions you attend each week, you can maximize the benefits of treatment if you take the time to reflect on what you talked about in the session and—even more importantly—what you felt during and after each session. These feelings often communicate something important about what is happening on an unconscious level during the therapy process.

8. Reflect on your goals from time to time during the therapy.

Use your goals as signposts from time to time. Beyond simply keeping them in mind, take the time to really consider them. Checking in on how things are going, with yourself and with the therapist, can be helpful. Doing so can allow you to recalibrate with your therapist, if necessary, in order to stay on course.

Therapy can be a lengthy process. It may be difficult at times, but keeping these tips in mind can help you increase your chances of success and make it more likely you will find the challenge of seeking treatment to be a rewarding one. Therapy can work for you, as much as you work for it.

I wish you the best in your therapeutic endeavors.

I spent a lot of my early career writing and leading a workshop on the topic of fear. When I asked myself, early on, “What is my biggest obstacle to overcome in terms of speaking publicly to build my practice?” I noticed that fear would appear, out from the shadows. I discovered I was living in a fearful state of mind and that I was particularly afraid that I would be exposed as “not knowing.” A fraud.

In light of the fear and related emotions many are feeling right now with regard to the 2016 presidential election, recent acts of terrorism, increased hate crimes, and police violence, to name just a few concerns, I wanted to revisit that topic of fear.

I want to talk about how and why a fearful state of mind can leave people susceptible to those who fan the flames of fear to get money, their vote, and so on, and how individuals can reduce the fear they experience in order to reduce stress and protect themselves from manipulation.

The fear I address here is not the type experienced in response to an immediate and present threat. Rather, I address a persistent fearful state of mind that can leave us vulnerable to harmful influence and stress, a state of mind where fear exists constantly, unconsciously, as we scour the news vigilantly for threats and in all aspects of daily life.

The Purpose and Misuse of Fear

All humans live with some form of fear. It is key to survival. Our brains are hardwired to react physiologically to danger, a remnant from days when humans were often face-to-face with large, furry predators wanting to eat them.

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When we feel afraid, a part of our brain flips a switch and goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We either fight, freeze, or flee physically and/or emotionally from what we perceive is threatening us. During this process, our cognitive capacities—our ability to think rationally and analyze situations—becomes compromised and can even shut off completely.

When we live with a fearful state of mind, this fight, flight, or freeze mode runs like background music—on low, all the time. When this is the case, our minds may incorrectly perceive the extent of any particular threat, leaving us vulnerable to manipulation, such as false promises of reassurance or solutions.

Because fear leaves the mind vulnerable, it can be—and often is—used as a tool for manipulation and profit. A fearful brain may be more likely to exaggerate a potential threat and cause us to lose our ability to think constructively or take appropriate action.

Here are a few extreme examples of how fear might be profited from:

1. A global rise in “populist” support for anti-immigrant/foreigner, nationalistic, negative, and rage-filled sentiment. This is fueled in part by deep fears of perceived dislocation, alienation, and diminished economic opportunity as well as political representation due to demographic changes and economic challenges.
2. A fierce battle over guns despite the number of gun-related deaths in the United States relative to other first-world countries. This is fueled on both sides by fears of a lack of safety, lack of security, and powerlessness.
3. The rise of “radicalism” as a global threat feeds on fear. When coupled with violence, terrorism and radicalism use fear as a weapon, hoping to incite non-believers into a fear-driven battle of good versus evil.
4. Fear is used not only as a weapon but as a way to profit, as when media sources focus on fear-inducing events partially, if not primarily, because these stories draw the most attention and money.
5. Fear can be used as a defense for bad behavior, as is discussed in a recent New Yorker article on police shootings of unarmed, innocent people of color.

Engaging with Your Fear

A fearful state of mind creates and feeds off extreme responses (inaction and overreaction), which are byproducts of what happens in the brain during a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Because fear leaves the mind vulnerable, it can be—and often is—used as a tool for manipulation and profit. A fearful brain may be more likely to exaggerate a potential threat and cause us to lose our ability to think constructively or take appropriate action. Working with a fearful state of mind, then, requires an ongoing, active, reality-based engagement with these thoughts and feelings.

Let’s return to the fearful state of mind I mentioned earlier. To resolve this, I figured, I would first need to get to know my fear so that it would go away. Not so easy! Fear is slippery. Fear is also a good teacher: fear taught me “knowing” it would not make it go away. I needed, instead, to learn to work with my fear, to maintain an ongoing relationship with it.

I want to empower you to learn to engage and work with your fear as I have learned to do with mine.

The following series of steps can help you shift from a fearful state of mind one more grounded in reality:

3. Recognize your fear. Building awareness of the mind is the foundation of any psychological change. In whatever way you feel comfortable, start to pay attention to the fearful thoughts. Where do you feel fear in your body? What are the particular thoughts associated with your fear? When in fear, do you tend to fight, freeze or flee emotionally? When you feel afraid, how do you typically respond? Do you look for reassurance? Check out? These are just a few ways you can start to get to know your fear.
4. Work with the fearful thoughts. Once you recognize the fear both physiologically and in its particular form (of thoughts), you can then begin to find ways to work with it. You may find one way that works best or use a combination of ways. Consider the following approaches:
   1. Counteracting thoughts: Taking your fearful thoughts, one by one, and counteracting them, with positive, calm, and relaxing thoughts,
   2. Distraction: Shifting what you are thinking about
   3. Breathing practice: Breathing from your belly, for example, can reduce fear.
5. A mindfulness/spiritual practice. If you are so inclined, a spiritual practice, or even simple mindfulness practice, can give you a sense of something greater than you and the things causing your fear. A daily practice is recommended. During this practice, you can also practice shifting your state of mind from a fearful mind-set to a more open one.
6. Connect with others. Avoiding isolation is key. A fearful state of mind flourishes in solitary moments because it can feed on itself. Fearful thoughts can spiral and worsen if there is no one else to help you envision a different reality. We are primarily social creatures, and our brains and bodies generally want contact with other human beings. Maintaining contact with others, especially in difficult times, can help settle the nervous system and reduce fear.

These suggestions can have a significant positive impact, but they do take practice. A well-entrenched fearful state of mind may require the help of a therapist. Therapy can offer a space to safely explore the root of the fears and provide a steady space to practice, over and over, shifting the mind from a fearful state to a more open state.

If you can learn to shift your state of mind, you may be more likely to find greater peace and calm within yourself, and you are also likely to develop renewed energy for more creative, pleasurable, and productive pursuits.

Reference:

Wallace-Wells, B. (2016, July 12). Police shootings, race, and the fear defense. The New Yorker. Retrieved from http://www.newyorker.com/news/benjamin-wallace-wells/police-shootings-race-and-the-fear-defense

Low self-esteem, an issue I see in a number of the men I work with, is common in those who tend to look outside of themselves for validation and self-worth. Not only is low self-esteem understood to relate to depression, it may also contribute to addiction, feelings of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and/or ideation. Some of the individuals I work with struggle to maintain a sense of being “good enough” that is adequate to keep them emotionally afloat.

Let’s consider this phenomenon more carefully, considering how it might be possible to refocus attention toward the inner world in order to establish a more stable and positive sense of self. With increased self-esteem may come reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety as well as increased overall well-being.

What Exactly Is Self-Esteem?

We often hear others talk about self-esteem, but this phrase can become so commonly used it may begin to lose meaning. Self-esteem describes a person’s subjective assessment of their own value or worth. For example:

• Do you like who you are?
• Do you think others like you, or who you are?
• Do you feel you have inherent value to the world?

Self-esteem can also be described as a kind of emotional fuel that drives many of the choices a person makes and the actions they take. A person who has high self-esteem may be more likely to choose relationships that are healthy and may also be more likely to take action when trying to achieve what they want in terms of their career, creative life and lifestyle. People with high self-esteem may also tend to refuel, or bounce back, relatively quickly when faced with criticism from others or general setbacks in life. [fat_widget_right]

Those with lower self-esteem may feel as if they are not inherently valuable. Their emotional fuel tanks are low, and they may have difficulty making good decisions, or any decisions at all. People who see themselves as worthless may be more likely to find themselves in a harmful or abusive relationship or alone when they do not want to be, feeling they do not deserve anything better. They may also feel trapped in dead-end jobs or refuse to pursue something more in line with their career goals or desires.

The Source of Self-Esteem

Parents and other caretakers, as well as society at large, contribute to the development of a person’s sense of self-esteem, the shaping of which begins early in childhood. Children need loving adults to reflect back their worth. Worth might be conveyed through how the child is held, cared for, talked to, and/or the ways caretaker respond to overall emotional expression. Ideally, children get the message that their very existence has value, regardless of what they do. They learn their feelings and beliefs are worthy and valuable.

Unfortunately, not every child grows up in a healthy, nurturing environment. Young boys in particular may fail to receive adequate support in the development of self-esteem, and they may not learn that their feelings are valued or even realized. I find that society today still equates much of a boy’s—or man’s—value to what he does, not how he feels. From a young age, boys are often praised for their achievements. If you listen when parents around you praise their young children, you may often hear young boys being praised for NOT crying, for climbing the jungle gym, for building a large castle, or for walking so well.

Thus, boys may grow up believing it is what they achieve that reflects their value. As they age, they must then continue to achieve in order to demonstrate their value. Competitiveness develops, not as a source of joy, but out of an anxious need to be appreciated and loved.

An urgency to achieve and compete for recognition is inherently a position of low self-esteem. Think of it as having a leak in one’s emotional fuel tank. To keep going, some may find it necessary to “feed” this self-esteem tank with notches on their bedpost or dollars in their bank account. Some individuals keep this up for much of their lives, but secretly, in their own bedrooms or “man-caves,” experience feelings of depression and anxiety that may be exacerbated by a never-ending struggle to secure their self-esteem. Others may use sex, television, or substances in unhealthy ways to numb feelings of emptiness and pain.

Cultivating an Inner World

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life. These effects may contribute to or exacerbate existing feelings of depression and anxiety. Substance abuse, one common distraction from the pain of feeling worthless, may lead to addiction, which can further a downward cycle.

Low self-esteem can be particularly debilitating because it feeds upon itself. Individuals who harbor negative feelings toward their inner selves may be more likely to make choices that have a negative impact on their relationships, work, or other aspects of life.

There is a remedy to low self-esteem, and that is to return to the source within one’s self. While this is not necessarily an easy road, it is a generative and fruitful one. Along the journey, you may discover psychological layers that must be recognized and felt, repeatedly.

These layers may include:

1. Resistance, which can be described as a fear of the unknown, internalized voices saying an individual needs external validation. Resistance can also take the form of doubt.
2. Shame/guilt, or feelings that are remnants of perceived past failures or low self-worth.
3. Emptiness, or a feeling of lack or absence that may appear to be low self-esteem.
4. Grief may be experienced as mourning for the years a person “lost” to running around urgently trying to prove their worth. Some men may also grieve the feelings they felt unable to express in childhood.

Approaching the above layers requires guidance, practice, and trust. It is not necessarily a linear process. Psychotherapy is recommended, as therapy is a practice designed to map out and make contact with these layers of the psyche in order to find an inner source of high self-esteem.

Men in particular may be less accustomed to going inside themselves and remaining in the unknown long enough for change to happen. I believe therapy is a worthy pursuit and that it provides a clear path toward healing many of the emotional and mental health challenges faced by men today.

Reference:

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2013, December 3). Understanding the link between low self-esteem and depression. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(6), 455-460. Retrieved from http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0963721413492763

Have you ever thought, “I’m my own worst enemy”?

Do you ever feel plagued by a relentlessly critical internal voice? Perhaps you feel stuck and find it difficult to think creatively about how to overcome challenges in your life. Even if you have a plan to address challenges, you might still find it difficult to take action.

If you find yourself experiencing these or other negative thoughts and feelings frequently, you may be dealing with a harsh superego. This internal “enemy” is the voice in our heads that reminds us of our failings and shortcomings. It reprimands us when we think or act independently of its proscribed behavior, and it can censor us in very sneaky ways.

At times, it may be almost like living under the shadow of an intimidating, abusive parent.

The Birth of a Harsh Superego

The superego is the part of a person’s mind that acts as a self-critical conscience. There are differing opinions on exactly how a superego is formed. Sigmund Freud believed the superego formed during the emotional tumult that takes place in the toddler years, during which time a child internalizes the voices of their parents.

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Melanie Klein discovered, through her observation of young children, that the superego forms not from the internalization of parental voices but in infancy, as a byproduct of an infant’s attempt to protect the self from aggressive and destructive thoughts and feelings.

Regardless of how and when the superego is formed, it seems universally understood that a child’s early environment has a significant impact on the nature of the superego. While supportive, present, and receptive parents are more likely to effect the formation of a mildly critical or supportive superego, a harsh superego is, more likely than not, at least partially the product of critical, harsh, or emotionally or physically absent parents.

The Fallout

Like an envious child who would rather destroy something that isn’t theirs, simply because they cannot have it, a harsh superego can make it feel like there is an internal someone or something that is intent on destruction.

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

Those who experience this harshness, these internal cuts, might often feel stuck in life. They may feel isolated, experience depression, self-harm, or fantasize about hurting themselves or others. A harsh superego can lead people to push others away and can also cause a person to feel stagnant at work or in a relationship.

Some individuals who cope with a harsh superego may also be more likely to turn toward drugs, alcohol, or other substances or use violent outbursts or sex to escape the persecutory voice within.

Breaking the Chains

Shifting from a harsh to a supportive superego takes hard work, but it is possible.

This work may be particularly difficult to do alone, especially because the harsh superego is adept at getting to us in any number of unconscious ways. Any kind of permanent change requires awareness and work conducted within a positive therapeutic relationship.

Awareness Practice at Home

The central vehicle for change is awareness. The more you are aware of the harsh superego, the more empowered you are to change it. There are practices you can employ at home that are often helpful.

I suggest a daily meditation practice of 5-10 minutes. Focus on the breath and observe all manifestations of the harsh superego as they arise.

• Notice how audible it is. Does it yell? Whisper? Is this voice familiar?
• Notice its particular brand of harshness. Does it criticize you? Shame you? Berate you?
• Notice what it focuses its attention on. Not “doing it right”? Your intelligence? Appearance? Level of success?
• Notice how it might work on you in silent ways. (You might need help identifying this)
• Notice how you relate to it. Do you cower in response? Feel tight in your body? Feel angry or anxious?

These are all important things to consider as you become more aware of the harsh superego, in order for you to catch it at increasingly earlier stages and lessen its negative impact.

Psychotherapy: A Healing Relationship

Generally speaking, awareness may not enough to enact permanent change. This is where psychotherapy and psychoanalysis can often be helpful. A psychotherapist or psychoanalyst will be able to listen for the different manifestations of the harsh superego and help point out the different ways it can have a negative impact.

Even more therapeutic than education, however, is the attitude the therapist brings to this exploration. Like a loving and patient parent, a compassionate and empathic therapist can, over time, be internalized, replacing the harsh superego with a more supportive one. This is likely to take both time and patience, but it is absolutely possible.

References:

1. Freud, S. (1990, September 17). The ego and the id. W. W. Norton & Company.
2. Klein, M. (1929). Personification in the play of children. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 10. 193-204.

Depression can be a bear to deal with. Heaviness; bleak thoughts; and lack of energy, interest, or motivation can conspire to make you feel like you need to push a giant boulder up a hill just to find relief.

To foster self-compassion in the face of depression, education is key. Not only is it helpful to be aware of some of the possible sources of your depression, knowing how to alleviate symptoms can help you better manage it. My intention is to offer some hope by suggesting that the boulder before you might not be as heavy as you think, nor the hill quite as high.

The following list of depression sources and possible antidotes is simply a starting point. If you experience depression, may this list inspire you to think constructively and curiously about your suffering.

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Source: Disowned Anger

For some people, anger is a dangerous emotion based on unconscious beliefs or experience of harmful expressions of anger passed down in the family of origin. Anger is an important emotion, however. It often signals that someone is doing you harm. If you push down your anger, it can turn inward (the harsh inner critic) and cause a depressive response.

Antidote: If you sense a fearful or adverse relationship to anger, begin to bring more attention to it. Examine how anger was expressed in your family. How do you react to anger? Engage with it. You may notice a lessening of your symptoms with this inquiry.

Source: Being Cut Off from Emotions

If you are disconnected from your feelings for any reason, you are cut off from a major part of who you are. This is inherently deadening. Feelings make you human and alive. For people experiencing depression, feelings may feel foreign, unpredictable, scary, or pointless.

Antidote: Start a conversation about your feelings. What feelings are you in touch with? Which ones are you not? What hidden beliefs do you have about emotions? See what arises.

Source: Learned

Sometimes, depression is a learned way of being. If either of your parents experienced depression, especially major or chronic depression, you may have adopted depression as a way to feel connected with them, leading to an unconscious impression that this is how you need to be in the world.

Antidote: If either of your parents experienced depression, reflect on how that impressed on you. Do you believe depression is an essential part of being human? Are you afraid to NOT be depressed because you might feel less connected to a parent? It’s rarely that simple, of course, but there could be an element of this at play.

Source: Chemical

In some cases, depression is primarily an inexplicably chemical issue. There may be an emotional component if you traced the depression back in your family lineage, but sometimes the emotional component can change the brain chemically in ways that are then passed down between the generations, even as the emotional component or cause recedes.

Antidote: If your depression is debilitating, it is a good idea to consult with a psychiatrist. Medication, particularly when paired with psychotherapy, can sometimes lift the veil of depression enough to do the emotional work that can shift the tides.

Source: Misalignment of the Self

It can be depressing to be living a life that isn’t true to your heart and soul, especially if you don’t have a solid sense of who you are, what you need, and what brings you satisfaction and joy. If you grew up in an environment where you didn’t receive proper emotional holding and reflection, you may need help getting in touch with your true self. If you are misaligned or feel a lack of meaning in your life, it might link directly to your depression.

Antidote: Finding a good therapist who can help you explore the holes and emptiness may allow you to grieve past experiences, perhaps going back to childhood, and begin to discover who you really are. This is deep, important, and enlivening work.

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system.

Source: Difficulty Self-Regulating

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system. Perhaps due to trauma or an absent parent (anxious or insecure attachments), you may not have learned to regulate (calm) yourself properly.

Antidote: Do you get easily agitated or overwhelmed? Try a meditation practice and inquire about your ability to regulate. Is it hard to calm yourself? If so, working with a trained therapist can help.

Source: Existential Angst

It can be difficult being human. Having an awareness of all the suffering in the world is hard, as is the fact we all must face death. If you tend to focus on these existential issues and sobering realities, depression can result.

Antidote: Speak to a therapist about your concerns. It may be that your mind kicks up these things as a way to avoid your vulnerabilities. Explore the ways you might use existential fears unconsciously to manage other discomforts.

Source: Pervasive Anxiety

Depression can be a way for your psyche to manage deep anxieties. It may be that you are more anxious than you realize.

Antidote: Explore your thought patterns with a qualified therapist. Consider whether depression is operating as a buffer against more disturbing, anxious feelings.

Turn toward your depression. Getting to know its somatic qualities will help you unlock the doors that lead to self-compassion and healing. If you can find the resolve and commitment, you can find relief.

Dissociation is a way people, to varying degrees, disconnect from their thoughts and feelings in order to avoid pain or traumatic memories. It is a refuge of sorts into an altered state of mind that is often characterized by obsessive thoughts, fantasies, or even non-thinking states. It can be employed consciously or unconsciously as a defense mechanism and can range in intensity from mild daydreams to feeling separate from one’s body.

In this time of advanced technology (societal dissociation?), dissociating is easier than ever. You can simply turn on the television or, better yet, turn on your computer or mobile device and find yourself on a high-speed train through the internet highway, encountering all kinds of people, distracting yourself with all kinds of information, and stimulating yourself in all kinds of ways. All the while, your body is there, in the chair or wherever it is, coping with the emotional unrest residing deep inside.

Although dissociation can be an effective short-term strategy for pain management, it often wreaks havoc on relationships.

The Impact of Dissociation on Relationships

Relationships flourish when the participants relate to each other, which requires mutual sharing of thoughts and feelings not just about each other but about their lives and the world around them, about their pasts, and about the future. Relating is the “food” of a relationship.

Dissociation can distress relationships because it undermines the ability to relate and thus starves the relationship over time.

Dissociation can distress relationships because it undermines the ability to relate and thus starves the relationship over time. It is a bit of a catch-22: people often (unconsciously) choose partners who will bring up elements of their painful past in order to grow, heal, and develop. For those who dissociated during that original pain, however, employing the strategy now starves the relationship of the food of relating to each other.

Many people who frequently dissociate find that relationships can feel quite stifling. Inevitably, painful memories and feelings arise in the relationship and they (unconsciously) dissociate. At the same time, they see this other person there feeling hurt that they’ve disconnected or “left,” and feel trapped. They can’t leave, but they can’t stay, either. It can feel agonizing, lonely, and confusing to both partners when dissociation occurs. [fat_widget_right]

How Couples Counseling Can Help

A good couples counselor can be an invaluable resource and guide to finding a new way forward, both for the individual who dissociates and for the distressed couple. Specifically, couples counseling can help by:

• Identifying and naming the issue: It may be hard for a couple to recognize that dissociation is causing distress in the relationship because it often is an unconscious coping process and is easily confused for intentional emotional distancing. If there is something beyond dissociation going on—and there often is—a therapist should be able to help identify that, too.
• Helping the couple understand what’s going on: Dissociation often leaves the other partner feeling abandoned, unheard, and unloved. A therapist can help both people recognize that this is not about a lack of interest or love but rather a deep survival mechanism. A dissociating person typically only wants to feel better, not make their partner feel bad.
• Making space to slowly reduce dissociative symptoms: This is vital. A therapist can slow things down enough to help each person observe the dissociation and, over time, feel into the pain as a means of reducing symptoms.
• Helping the couple find new skills: This is the creative aspect of therapy—helping the couple discover new ways to respond when painful feelings and memories arise.

If there is unresolved pain or trauma in the background of your relationship and you suspect dissociation may be hurting your ability to relate to your partner, contact a trained and compassionate couples counselor. You don’t have to suffer alone.

Depression can be difficult to tolerate. It can run the spectrum from a gnawing feeling of low and constant fatigue and worry to feeling hopeless, despairing, trapped, and desperately alone. When depression is at its worst, the prospect of suicide can feel like the only way to get beyond the pain.

If you experience any or all of this, you have a lot on your plate.

Unfortunately, many people struggling with depression complicate matters by (mostly unconsciously) employing coping mechanisms that actually work against them and compound the suffering. In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll identify some of these unhelpful coping mechanisms and explore a possible better path.

How We Cope with Emotional Pain

All human beings, to some degree or another, develop ways of dealing with pain very early on. It is an innate capacity we all have to adapt and survive, not only physically but emotionally as well.

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Just as a plant shapes itself to its environment—sometimes having to twist, torque, or reach in order to get the sunlight and nutrients it needs—people adjust their personalities in order to protect themselves and to get what they need (love, belonging, etc.).

Unfortunately, many adaptations that serve people well as children or adolescents can become burdensome as adults as the external world of the child lives within them. These mechanisms in their common forms may include withdrawal, isolation, overeating, excessive video game playing, obsessive thinking (being “in your head”), or hypersexuality, to name a few.

More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.

More uncommon or subversive are the coping mechanisms that, on the surface, appear as symptom or fixed part of the personality, but underneath serve to protect and deflect from the pain of depression.

Depression can be so difficult to manage and experience that it can recruit the most potent of defenses. Especially if you grew up in an environment where depression was in the air, you may have had to protect yourself from both the aloneness and the infiltration of the depression itself.

It is possible you unconsciously had to employ more subversive defenses. The more uncommon or subversive coping mechanisms, ones that were once life-saving, now can add stress if you are experiencing depression. I am thinking specifically of low self-esteem, self-deprecation, minimizing, or doubting thoughts that may seem like symptoms of depression but rather as serve as unconscious strategies. These mechanisms, seemingly depressive thoughts that may have at one time been protective, now are self-destructive.

It might be difficult to figure out if your more negative thoughts are a symptom of your depression or a way to cope with it. And it might be a disturbing (but perhaps ultimately liberating) realization that you could be harming yourself in that way. This inquiry requires quite a bit of curiosity, compassion, and honesty.

However, if you are depressed and feel desperate, it’s a worthwhile inquiry. Are you harming yourself in an effort to protect yourself from the deeper pain and aloneness you felt as a child? You can begin this inquiry in earnest on your own, but I highly recommend you find a therapist you feel comfortable with, one who is well versed in working with depression, and one with whom you can establish a good working alliance.

Ask Yourself These Questions

The following are some questions you can ask yourself regarding your negative thoughts. Write each question at the top of a page, and respond with whatever comes to mind. Write for 10 minutes and then see what comes to you.

1. What are the negative thoughts I think most often?
2. What happens when I think these negative thoughts?
3. Are these negative thoughts a part of me?
4. What function do these negative thoughts serve?
5. Are these negative thoughts here to protect me?
6. What are some alternative ways to help me with my depression?

If the negative thoughts are indeed a coping mechanism, it is best to get help from someone who knows both the subtlety of the unconscious and the vulnerability that resides in these particular defenses. A trained and sensitive therapist can be of invaluable support because a professional can reflect back the impact of these thoughts and offer a space where you can begin to feel into the feelings behind those thoughts. This is a way to see your inner world more clearly and, ultimately, learn to work with your depression in a more dynamic way.

Do you often dread parties, anxiously fearing awkward conversations that expose the contents of your mind for all to see?

Do you cringe at the thought of meeting people?

Around others, do you find yourself spinning with worry about what they think of you or how you measure up?

These are just a few of the manifestations of social anxiety.

Social anxiety can be a paralyzing, frustrating, and chaotic experience. It’s a very out-of-control feeling that can leave you very torn: torn between the human need to be social and connected to others and the feeling of wanting to run away and hide from what feels like an oppressive, all-consuming monster. It can feel as though you have no clothes and no skin—as if people can see right inside you.

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And when you’re alone again, away from the social scene, you may notice your immediate relief being slowly replaced by feelings of isolation, disappointment with yourself, and hopelessness.

Social anxiety can derive from many sources: early traumatic experiences, generalized anxiety expressing itself in particular ways, and a more sensitive disposition interacting with a highly stimulating world, among others.

In the paragraphs that follow, I want to address one aspect of social anxiety and offer some tips for how to think about and work with it. Specifically, I want to discuss how social anxiety can be a reflection of what is happening for you on the inside.

Social Anxiety as an Internal Mirror Image

If you struggle with social anxiety, you may be projecting onto the outside world what you feel inside, perhaps partially or entirely unconsciously. Inside, you may feel the (self-fulfilling) constellation of thoughts and feelings you notice in social settings:

Social anxiety can derive from many sources: early traumatic experiences, generalized anxiety expressing itself in particular ways, and a more sensitive disposition interacting with a highly stimulating world, among others.

• Anxious anticipation of socializing or being with people, about being judged or exposed, or just having to deal with awkward conversations.
• Heightened anxiety (maybe manifesting in sweaty palms, pale skin, or rapid heartbeat) in a social setting, particularly if you feel what you anticipated you’d feel: anxiety, feeling judged, awkwardness, and the feeling you don’t belong.
• Often what goes along with this, even when things are going OK, is a running inner commentary of comparison: how everyone else is NOT anxious, just you. How everyone else is able to connect and has so much to say and is so articulate, just not you.
• Depending on how difficult it gets, you may want to run, but first have to devise the best escape route in order to not attract attention.

These thoughts and feelings may echo how you felt as a child in your family of origin. If so, you may have internalized them, and now replay them in social settings of one type or another.

Specifically, as a child, you may have felt alone, anxious, and not quite adequate in relation to your family. Especially if there was anxiety, insecurity, or self-criticism in the family system, and no one was really aware of or dealing with it, you may have internalized it and made it your own.

Attending to Your Inner World

In order to reduce social anxiety, especially if the family scene I described resonates for you, it’s important to attend to your inner world in a consistent way. Here are five steps you can take:

1. In a journal, draw a line down the center. On the left, write “Family Environment” and on the right, “Social Anxiety.”
2. Spend some time thinking about your family environment. Look for any similarities you experience in your social anxiety and your childhood. Specifically, was there a lot of criticism? Anxiety? Did you feel judged? Insecure? Write your observations down in the left-hand column.
3. Track the thoughts and feelings you notice in social settings. (This is a great exercise because it distracts from your anxious thoughts and gives you an immediate tool to work with your anxiety.) Write down any repetitive thoughts and feelings you experience in the right-hand column.
4. Take some time and compare and contrast. You might be surprised how much you learn about how your past affects your present experience. Write down any insights and, especially, feel whatever feelings arise.
5. When feeling social anxiety, breathe into your belly consistently. Reassure yourself. Tell yourself that, most likely, everyone in the room is anxious in one way or another.

These are some great initial steps that may open your eyes to how your inner world, especially memories and emotion, affects your present-day experience. For more in-depth work and permanent change, psychotherapy is an excellent way to work with social anxiety because you can, in real time, observe and share your anxious thoughts with a trained professional who can help you navigate the memories and hurts that keep you from having a more satisfying social life.

The process of psychotherapy is an unpredictable journey into the unconscious, one that offers surprising gifts and unexpected obstacles. The gifts are many: greater access to creativity, insight, tools to address difficult emotions, and increased intimacy, to name a few.

One of the primary obstacles to these gifts, however, is the “cautionary tale”—the primary unconscious story of hurt, imprinted from childhood, which you carry to each relationship. This tale underlies the therapeutic process and, if not understood and addressed, can undermine it.

Mixed Feelings in Therapy

Although you may be earnest in your pursuit of therapy, you may have mixed feelings about looking at the causes of your suffering. This is part of being human. Who WANTS to re-experience pain?

Inevitably, you will bring your mixed feelings in the door with you at the outset of therapy. These mixed feelings show themselves in a variety of ways in session: in the anxiety felt in the room, in the various stories shared with the therapist, in the tensions felt, in the fluctuations between stuck-ness and progress, in a feeling of push-pull.

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It is as if you are taking a trip while simultaneously unsure you want to go or, if you do, where you are headed.

And so you bring in your luggage (filled with conflicts, emotions, thoughts, and memories), drop the bags down in the room, and then, with the help of the therapist, hope (and possibly dread) to sort through them.

If you are unable or unwilling to sort through the bags, they can come out in unconscious ways and stall the process.

What Do We Mean by Cautionary Tale?

One term for these unconscious mixed feelings is the cautionary tale. Thomas Ogden, a major contributor to contemporary psychoanalytic thought, said the following about how the therapist must keep the cautionary tale in mind:

I am listening from the outset for the patient’s “cautionary tales,” i.e., the patient’s unconscious explanations of why he feels the analysis is a dangerous undertaking and his reasons for feeling the analysis is certain to fail …

The patient unconsciously holds a fierce conviction (which he has no way of articulating) that his early childhood experience has taught him about the specific ways in which each of his (object) relationships will inevitably become painful …

Ogden is suggesting here that the so-called cautionary tale is not just mixed feelings but a hidden conviction that therapy will fail. This is important to be aware of, for therapists and people in therapy alike.

Origins of the Cautionary Tale

But where, exactly, does this come from? Simply, a cautionary tale is born when a child’s first love relationships cause pain, either through the experience of abuse, disappointment, misattunement, overstimulation, unreliability, neglect, or something else. Because these early experiences are so painful, the child unconsciously weaves a tale about how this pain will inevitably occur in EVERY relationship, as protection from that same pain.

As the child develops and matures, the tale that was once protective becomes destructive: The adult will act out unconsciously to prove the present relationship is like all the others.

As the child develops and matures, the tale that was once protective becomes destructive: The adult will act out unconsciously to prove the present relationship is like all the others.

Developing a New Pathway

One of the great things about therapy is that this tale can be studied and updated. If you and your therapist keep an eye on your cautionary tale and how it might manifest in the therapeutic relationship, you have the chance to uncover the pain behind it.

If you are in therapy or thinking about starting therapy, pay attention to the thoughts and feelings you have about the process and your therapist’s role in it. Pay particular attention to any anxiety, skepticism, doubt, fear, or paranoia about the process. Then talk about it. There is sure to be a treasure trove of old feelings, packed away underneath, that could hold the key to the gifts you seek.

Reference:

Ogden, T. (1992). Comments on Transference and Countertransference in the Initial Analytic Meeting. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 12:225-247.