Female carpenter looking at block of wood, thinkingJust process your mistakes into learning: it sounds simple and obvious. Why would we not want to learn from our mistakes? But as easy as it is to say, resistance can come from some interesting places, and we may not always be aware of it.

For example, when feeling ashamed, you might become convinced there is something irreparably bad about you and lose your ability to connect with others. When that happens, it makes sense that you might try your best to keep a mistake secret and hidden.

When you want very much to be helpful and kind to others, you may make yourself less prone to noticing a mistake, a misunderstanding, or even unintentional harm. When you’re not feeling self-confident or empowered, you may react defensively to criticism or challenging feedback. Generally, when people feel like a mistake is a bad reflection on them, they won’t admit it.

Our very human feeling is that we don’t want to cause harm, and we are afraid of making mistakes. We imagine that we lose power, control, and respect if we do unintentionally cause harm.

Our very human feeling is that we don’t want to cause harm, and we are afraid of making mistakes. We imagine that we lose power, control, and respect if we do unintentionally cause harm.

Learning to Make Mistakes

In my early thirties, I got a job as a carpenter. In the beginning, I was the “go-fer,” wearing new baby blue overalls and eating from a lunchbox from the television show The Waltons. Barney, the company owner, enjoyed teaching carpentry skills and hired minority workers. I was a minority individual as a woman in the 80s. I loved the job and stayed on, but I had to go through quite a learning process that was slowed down by my fear of making mistakes.

I would measure for lumber cuts four and five times before making the cut and would ask Barney for instructions several times. I would measure the distance between nails before hammering them in. You get the idea. I was slow.

One day, Barney said, “You know, the sign of a good carpenter is not one who never makes mistakes, but one who knows how to fix them.” It took months to learn that lesson. Here’s what I noticed: As I let go of fear, I became more skillful. The electric saw became an extension of my hand rather than a difficult, loud tool. As I relaxed, I worked more quickly and easily, and I even made mistakes.

Because I had learned that I could fix mistakes, I could cut another piece of wood and use the one that was too short for something else. Drywall mud can cover imperfect looking cuts. I discovered that fixing a mistake can be quite creative and even produce something better.

Process Mistakes into Learning

Later, as a psychotherapist, I had to apply the same lesson. One sign of a good psychotherapist is not one who never makes mistakes, but one who knows how to track for relationship trouble and then resolve and repair it. Over time and through experience, I relaxed my terror of unintentionally causing harm and developed confidence in my ability to see or feel that my impact was different than my intention. This allowed me to be able to pause, get curious, check in with my client, attend to repair, and in the end, learn something that I could use in the future.

For a simple example, I suggested at the very end of one session that a new client do a little journal writing about the issue she brought up. In this case, I wasn’t aware of a problem until her next session, when she walked in very mad at me saying that I was just like all the other therapists, with an automatic order for journal writing to solve every problem. I paused, acknowledged her anger, and then thanked her for letting me know something about her—that she hates journaling.

I agreed never to suggest that she journal again. I could have gotten defensively caught in trying to explain that I had never ordered journaling, just suggested it, but that would not have restored our connection. My takeaway learning was a reminder that my influence (suggestion heard as an order) in my role as a therapist is stronger than if I were a friend.

You have probably practiced this in your own life in small ways without realizing it. In a romantic relationship, you may have learned that when someone is upset, you ask if what’s needed is sympathy or help with a solution. Maybe you have learned that it is better to ask for something to change instead of talking about what isn’t working. Starting with small situations that might have less of a shame reaction or big impact on your life could help you create a consistent practice. Even small actions in a relationship can have big results.

Tips for Turning Mistakes into Learning Experiences

Here are several pointers for processing mistakes into learning:

An Activity for Learning from Mistakes

Try this power-positive activity:

A. Think back over a mistake you made—either a big one or a little one—that you still feel bad about.

Then follow these steps privately:

B. Get together with a trusted friend, who was not involved in the situation, and go through the same process—but this time, talk it through out loud.

Practice sharing your vulnerability; this can help solidify your learning as well as create a habit of embracing the learning process. Your friend may also be able to bring up other curiosities or observations that help you move away from shame. We are often better at seeing each other’s strengths than our own and can tend to be kinder to each other than to ourselves.

C. Ask someone with whom you have a lingering regret to meet with you.

Female student talking with her professorThere are a couple things we know about power and relationships: Power is the ability to have influence on others. Power is relational and relationships are messy. We inevitably hurt each other.

Good intentions are essential, but not enough to ensure we are using our power well. Our impact is often different from our intentions. We may be surprised by cultural differences, differing world perspectives, and differing values. We make mistakes, and we may (often accidentally) misuse power. Most misuses of power are made by people who have lots of power due to their roles and privilege, good intentions, lack of awareness about their impact on others, and limited understanding about the dynamics of power.

There are three main reasons why many conflicts escalate and don’t turn out well. We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss, pain, and even trauma. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback. And because we most often don’t intend to cause harm, it can be hard to acknowledge or even see when we are responsible for hurt or conflict.

Here’s the good news: Most relationship difficulties can be resolved quickly, and the relationship can be repaired and even grow stronger. When hurt or misunderstood, most people need one or more of the following things. Here is an example: A teacher, trying to promote growth and learning, gave a student some challenging feedback about their presentation. Later, the student came to the teacher confused and hurt by what they had said.

We may avoid conflict because it is often associated with loss, pain, and even trauma. We might respond defensively to misunderstandings, hurt, and feedback.

5 Steps to Repair Any Relationship

1. Acknowledgement

It’s important for someone to have their pain, upset, or confusion acknowledged. “You seemed really upset about my feedback. I realize my words may have been painful. Can you tell me more about what that was like for you?”

2. Intention

Someone may want to know what your intention was without having you reassign blame or validate your behavior. “I was intending to offer you some useful information about how you were using your voice.” (Please note that this is a short description. If you use only this step, or go too deeply into intention, people may experience this as an excuse.)

3. Apology

They want an apology. Here is a good formula: This is what I regret (specific behavior), and this is what I learned and what I’m doing to make sure it doesn’t happen again. For example, “I regret several things—that I didn’t ask you if this was a good time, didn’t give you a concrete example, and didn’t clarify that it was about how you used your voice, not who you are. Next time, I will be more clear in what I say and check in first about whether this would be a good time.”

An effective apology is deeply important for healing and repair. For an apology to land well, it needs to be behaviorally specific and involve taking personal responsibility. These are some examples of apologies that don’t get the job done:

4. Learning

As you are repairing a relationship with someone, they may want to know what you have learned. People can be very generous when they understand their hurt contributed to learning and growth. “I’ve learned more about what kind of feedback works for you. I will, in the future, ask if this is a good time, and leave time at the end to hear your responses and clear up misunderstandings.”

5. Repair

When a relationship has been ruptured, an invitation to repair is important and welcome. Although an individual may bring their hopes forward to you, it also can convey a lot of caring when you initiate by asking what would work best for them. “Is there anything I can do that would help repair this relationship?”

Try this: Think of someone, a friend or someone at work, with whom there has been an unresolved relational difficulty. (Start with a fairly low-stakes relationship and situation.) Try these steps, and see if you can resolve and repair. After the repair is made, ask for feedback from your other person about what you said or offered that was helpful in moving toward understanding and resolution.

Woman leaning against window, happily looking outsideThere is power in a pause—a lot of power.

When asked why he played so well, piano virtuoso Artur Schnabel responded, “I handle notes no better than many others. But the pauses; that’s where the art resides.”

A pause is simple, almost invisible. What does a pause do and how can we cultivate the fine art of pauses?

Understanding the ‘Pause’

A pause is a conscious slowing down—a space-maker between stimulus and response. Pausing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us become calm. When our nervous systems are calm, we have more capacity to avoid reacting out of habit, and instead, to choose a response that is more satisfying, effective, and attuned to the situation at hand.

My first “aha” about the transformative power of pausing came when I got fed up with my list-bound behavior. I was always moving like a freight train to get through my list of self-imposed and other-imposed things to accomplish. As if by never stopping, I was going to someday get through the list and finally be able to relax. This was a fool’s errand. So, I decided to try an experiment and took 5 minutes between things on my list. I could not believe what happened in 5 minutes.

I had a chance to feel what I was drawn to do next on the list, and even better, a number of things on the list became less urgent, or I realized they were things I could easily delegate to someone else. My list grew smaller, and I grew more aligned and satisfied with my tasks.

Pausing As Self-Care

Learning to pause is also a personal gift of self-care. Pausing briefly throughout the day reduces tension. More space and less anxiety and rush make much-needed room for pleasure and wonder. We can then work harder while being happier and more relaxed.

When we are moving too fast, or when we don’t take time to pause, we can easily misuse power because our habitual reactions overtake our ability to choose a more considered response.

As I am teaching, I often invite my students to stop and take three breaths whenever we transition from one topic or process to another. The pause created by taking three breaths allows for a little clearing and a chance to make room inside for the next thing. I feel so strongly about this that I consider it unethical for people to be too busy to take three breaths.

When we are moving too fast, or when we don’t take time to pause, we can easily misuse power because our habitual reactions overtake our ability to choose a more considered response. I tend to react to an issue with an immediate idea of how to fix it. When I take three breaths before responding, I make room for a more creative and inclusive unfolding of the resolution.

Pausing in Relationships

Pausing is also a powerful relationship tool, though pausing in the context of a relationship is not as easy as it might seem. It takes a surprising amount of self-awareness: first, to be able to notice an automatic pattern you habitually use in relationships and second, to make some space before reacting and choose a different response.

I have discovered one of my own automatic patterns that shows up in my role as a therapist. A client says something, and I have an impulsive habit of immediately giving a verbal response. When I am able to pause and wait just a little bit longer than usual, there’s more room for something new or deeper to come forth from the client. For example, in the pause, the client may say, “Oh, I notice something else…”

Skillfully using relationship pauses is a good leadership skill. One of my mentors once told me it was very important not to rush in too quickly to solve a problem. “You could use up all your time going from handling one crisis to another,” he said. “Instead, make some space to empower others to put in their ideas and let a creative and collaborative resolution emerge.”

Two Ways to Use Pausing in Day-to-Day Life

Using pauses well is one of the great secrets of being power positive. Here are several specific experiments to try. For a week, do at least one of each experiment. Write down the results at the end of the day. Harvest your results.

  1. Pause in your personal world: Consciously choose to make space between tasks.
  2. Pause in your relationship world: Consciously choose to wait longer than usual before speaking.

It’s not always easy to slow down. If you feel too stressed or overwhelmed to find time to pause, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you learn skills to manage stressors and cope with overwhelm.

Overhead view of two friends talking in a coffee shop.Can you recall an experience of being in a conversation with a friend or at work where people were talking “over” each other? Interesting things might have been said, but you may not have been able to follow the conversation or truly connect with anyone. Was that frustrating? Discouraging? Or what about an experience where someone was asking one question after another, just talking non-stop, and there was no mutual dialogue. How did this feel? Boring? Flat? Tiring?

Nearly all of us may have had the experience where we have been talking, and you can tell the other person is just waiting for us to finish so they can jump in with their story. Did you really feel heard?

When we are not connected in conversation, we can’t truly be in relationship with the person we are talking to. Active listening is about creating that connection. With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

How Can Active and Engaged Listening Help?

Being actively engaged is both an art and a skill. By remembering that power is the ability to have an effect or to have influence, you can create many choice points in a conversation to use your power to actively engage and influence how the conversation goes. By not using your power to positively influence a conversation, you might be using it to create barriers in your relationships. Often, we unconsciously misuse our power by under-using it. We let things go rather than having the courage to shift communication to be deeper or broader, or simply to help the talk be more fun and interesting.

With active listening, conversation can be inspiring, creative, nourishing, and productive.

Here are some experiments you could try to see how engaged and relationship-oriented you are in your conversations. These all are practices for engaging in active listening.

Active Listening: Demonstrate That You Understand

We want to be understood. We want to know we are being listened to. Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before. You don’t have to repeat every word that was said. Simple phrases like “Got it” or “That sounds exciting” could be all that’s needed. And magically, feeling listened to will encourage the person to go on. This is the first step of active listening. Whether you are in a leadership role or trying to create a conversation with someone you care about, it is good to make sure you are at least practicing this step.

If you want to go to the next level where you are involved in a give-and-take conversation that actively grows the relationship on both sides, here’s some more guidance. This step, beyond active listening, we call engaged listening.

Engaged listening uses three strategies:

1. Connecting Comments

A connecting comment begins with making a link between what the other person is saying and your own experience.

For example: “My version of what you are saying is _________,” or “You are speaking of _________. That makes me think of _________.”

Making a connecting comment does double duty. It demonstrates that you understand and it offers you a way to include yourself and focus on something that is also of interest to you.

2. Curiosity

When making a connecting comment, you want to be guided by something about what the person is saying or how you are experiencing them that interests you or that you are curious about. Here’s where you can guide the conversation in a desired direction.

For example: “I’m really curious about what got you interested in _________. Could you tell me more?” Or, “I recently had a similar experience, and it made me curious about _________.”

Demonstrating understanding is not as difficult or complicated as it might seem, and you have probably done it before.

3. Deepening Questions

These are questions that take the conversation deeper and could also be called open-ended questions. Keep in mind questions that can be answered simply by yes or no, or even a few words, generally don’t take you deeper or to a new place. Questions that ask a person to expand on their experience by not leading to a choice (yes or no) will do wonders to keep a conversation from dead-ending. An easy way to try this would be to use questions that start with “how” or “why.”

You can sense that engaged listening is happening when people are able to demonstrate listening to each other through connecting their experience, bringing themselves into the talk with curiosity, and exploring new ideas through deepening questions.

Here are a few examples:

At Work

“Is your project done yet?”—“No.”

“Are there any obstacles?”—“ No.”

At a Party

“Who do you know here?”—“Nancy and Jim.”

Where did you grow up? “Minnesota.”—(No pause.) “I saw a good movie this week.”

“Do you do any kind of exercise?”—“Yes.”

The keys for engaged listening, as a right use of your power and influence, are to demonstrate you understand, guide the conversation toward a topic that is interesting to you both, make connecting comments that create links between you, and ask “how” or “why” questions to open up new territory. In turn, this leads to healthier and more connected relationships. In addition, you may feel more interested in others and more confident in your ability to use your power toward increased well-being.

If communication issues are negatively impacting your day-to-day life or ability to function, there is help. Search for a therapist in your area who can help you learn and practice strategies to help you connect with others.

Professional sitting at desk reads through papers with serious expressionSexuality is often a sensitive issue. In recent months, many people have come forward, speaking out about inappropriate, harmful, and abusive sexual behaviors and actions taken by people of positions in greater power. These abuses of power and their effects have too long been in the shadows of silence. The topic of sexuality deserves greater awareness from all of us. By taking the time for honest and open self-reflection, we can all help prevent the misuse of power.

What is inappropriate and harmful sexual activity? For the purposes of clarification, let’s say this includes any physical or verbal behavior that is suggestive, seductive, harassing, demeaning, or exploitative. When a person in therapy is attracted to their therapist, this can often be discussed in therapy without harm—as long as the therapist is not excessively affected by attraction or countertransference. The therapist must be able to focus on the sexual issues of the person in therapy only to the extent such discussion is based on their therapeutic process. It is also essential to establish and uphold boundaries, including an explicit agreement that there is no possibility of sexual relationship at the time or in the future.

Issues related to sexuality present enough challenges in ordinary relationships. When it comes to the therapeutic relationship, sexuality can be even more of a challenging and complex consideration.  Here are some things to consider when examining sexual feelings toward or from people in therapy.

Coping with Sexual Feelings Toward a Person in Therapy

It can first help to explore why you may be attracted to a particular person. Is there something about them that meets one of your needs? Perhaps it is a natural need, but it is one that must be met elsewhere.

  1. Talk to a colleague who can help you sort out what you are experiencing and take appropriate steps to keep the therapeutic relationship ethical. [fat_widget_right]
  2. Seek personal counseling. Working with your own counselor can help you resolve your feelings and uncover any issues in your life you may be struggling to deal with effectively.
  3. If you are unable to resolve your feelings, terminate the professional relationship and refer the person to another therapist.

Coping with Sexual Feelings from a Person in Therapy

A good first step here is to acknowledge the person’s feelings as normal. Appreciate their courage and vulnerability around bringing them up or having them named. Explain that although the intimacy that often develops within the therapeutic relationship is powerful, it is best described as a kind of contextual love that is specific to the power differential relationship. Sexualizing this kind of love is detrimental to your work in therapy.

  1. Make it very clear, with both words and body language, that a sexual relationship is outside the bounds of the therapeutic relationship. (Ethical codes vary in their statements of how long after termination it is considered ethical to begin a sexual relationship, if ever.)
  2. Make every effort not to shame or reject the person you are working with. Track for and attend to any signs of shame or rejection.
  3. If appropriate, look for therapeutic ways in which issue of sexuality can be addressed and explored.
  4. When sexual feelings are unspoken or unconfirmed, use your best professional judgment to determine what would best serve the person you are working with: naming the feelings yourself or waiting for them to make the choice to do so.
  5. Be prepared in advance. Consider how you might handle this kind of situation or how you might handle it with greater skill. Seek the support of supervision.

How Can We Deepen Our Understanding?

The issue of sexuality goes much deeper than simply understanding feelings and setting boundaries. These several questions, brought up by students, can help you explore this topic further in order to deepen your understanding.

Here are a few stories for further consideration:

These stories illustrate how important it is to both think proactively about how you will respond to sexual issues when they arise and to learn how to attend to and repair relationships when needed. When personal sexual desires get involved, thinking can become very warped.

It is especially important to seek out and use resources such as colleagues and supervision when faced with ethical dilemmas, things about which you feel ashamed, or mistakes you have already made or believe you may make. If you are unsure how to begin this process on your own, the support of a compassionate counselor can help.

Person walking down sunny street looks at phone, holding coat over shoulder with one handWhen I was a child in the 1950s, my father talked about power, using the old fable about the relative power of the wind and the sun. In the story, Wind and Sun had a contest to see who was stronger by agreeing to see who could be the first to get the coat off a man walking down the street. Wind blew, and almost instantly the man’s hat flew off and rolled down the path.

Wind said, “Aha! See how strong I am.”

Sun replied, “Yes, I agree. You are swift and strong, and you have won so far. But our contest is about the coat.” Wind proceeded to blow, and the man wrapped his coat closer around himself. Wind blew more and more ferociously, but the man simply pulled his coat tighter and tighter.

Then it was Sun’s turn. Sun showered her warmth onto the man and he warmed up, relieved and happy with the day. He removed his coat and carried it over his arm.

The Ways of Power

As an adult, I study the ways of power. Power is simply the ability to have an effect or to have influence. To have an effect, there must be a relationship between you and someone or something else. Surprisingly, in conversations about power, relationship, the essential ingredient of power, is often overlooked. It is, in fact, the quality of a relationship that determines whether leaders will use their power for good or for ill. Take the story of Wind and Sun: Wind has a relationship that is immediately effective but that becomes more and more adversarial and less and less effective. Sun’s relationship is warm and collaborative. Sun’s power is effective and yet connected. [fat_widget_right]

Studies show the qualities, universally, that people look for in leaders are humility, fairness, trustworthiness, and an ability to mediate differences. However, the nature of elevated power (such as role power or rank power) is that it is like an addictive drug that alters one’s relationship with self and others. The spell of power can affect everyone in elevated power, no matter their intentions. The effect of elevated power is, strangely, that the qualities distinguishing good leadership are the very qualities that tend to erode when people are given increased power (Barstow, 317).

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view. At the same time, they also increase impetuousness and the tendency to prioritize one’s own needs (Barstow, 318, Diamond, 49).

What is lost, then, is the empathic connection to one’s own heart and to the hearts and needs of others. To counter the abuse of power, more connection, more self-awareness, more compassion, and more empathy are all necessary. Power with heart is the key to using power toward the well-being of all. So much harm is unconsciously caused by good people who under-use or over-use or deny the power they have from both role and rank. Whether out of naiveté or a lack of awareness and sensitivity, they often don’t understand the addictive and shadowy nature of power, and they may also lack knowledge of themselves and their triggers and habits of disconnection.

The gifts of power include greater access to resources, larger role identity, social distance, and the opportunity to act with limited interference. These gifts are important for the ability to carry out leadership responsibilities, but they also tend to decrease empathy, compassion, and the ability to see things from another’s point of view.

It’s essential for leaders to know the perils related to the gifts of power, and they need to find ways to keep their hearts open and engaged and to accurately hear feedback that would help them stay in healthy and truthful relationships. They need to balance their up-power roles with places in daily life where they have less power.

The Dominance Model of Power

Globally, the most common model for power is the dominance model. It is based on strategies for using power that are designed to dominate people. Another model, which I’ll call the socially responsible model, demonstrates how power is used to prevent and repair harm, to move situations forward toward the greater good, and to promote well-being and dignity (Barstow, 319).

Consider the following strategies used to gain and maintain power from the Dominance Model and notice where in your personal life, and in your sense of global awareness, you see these strategies being used. The guides are a translation of these dominating strategies into strategies of the Socially Responsible Model.

The Laws, from Robert Greene’s best-selling book, The 48 Laws of Power, represent the Dominance Model of Power

The Guides, from my book Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, represent the Socially Responsible Model of Power and are arranged to correspond to and re-frame the Laws. [amazon_affiliate]

Laws and Guides:

Law 2: Never put too much trust in friends. Learn how to use enemies.

Guide 1: Trust and collaborate with your friends. Learn the strategies and interests of those opposed.

Law 3: Conceal your intentions.

Guide 2: Frame your intentions to be understood.

Law 4: Always say less than necessary.

Guide 3: Strive to say what is necessary. Earn trust.

Law 6: Court attention at all costs.

Guide 4: Court attention to values, good ideas, and worthy actions.

Law 7: Get others to do the work for you, but always take the credit.

Guide 5: Give credit where it is due.

Law 9: Win through your actions, never through argument.

Guide 6: Succeed through actions and philosophy.

Law 11: Learn to keep people dependent on you.

Guide 7: Be interdependent.

Law 12: Use selective honesty and generosity to disarm your victim.

Guide 8: Use honesty and generosity to build commitment and support.

Law 13: When asking for help, appeal to people’s self-interest, never to their mercy or gratitude.

Guide 9: Ask for help because you can put it to good use and because you represent a worthy cause.

Law 14: Pose as a friend, work as a spy.

Guide 10: Pose as a leader. Be a wise leader.

Dominance Model strategies are strong and deceptive. Like Wind blowing away the hat, they may appear to succeed, but the cost is too great and the harm is too grave. They remove the heart from power and from relationships. These strategies ultimately fail because they produce distrust, greed, selfishness, disrespect, exclusion, and exploitation.

Socially Responsible Model strategies, on the other hand, increase trust, fairness, loyalty, collaboration, inclusivity, and creativity. They rely on truth. They are relational. And they strengthen the relationship between heart and power.

What will you choose for yourself? The power of Wind or the power of Sun? If you find it difficult to make decisions regarding power and its use, consider speaking to a qualified and compassionate mental health professional.

References:

  1. Barstow, C. (2015). Right use of power: The heart of ethics. Boulder, CO: Many Realms Publishing.
  2. Diamond, J. (2016). Power: A user’s guide. Santa Fe, NM: Belly Song Press.
  3. Greene, R. (2002). The 48 laws of power, concise edition. London, England: Profile Books.

Adult professional works at table while son and older adult sit in backgroundGood self-care is a rich package involving more than just getting enough sleep. Self-care involves taking care of yourself both within the context of your helping relationships and in your life outside your work.

The primary question is: What does it take for me to show up for the people I help in a way I feel good about? Give yourself an opportunity to look at your self-care personally and within the therapeutic relationship. Rate yourself in the following areas on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 meaning you are very good at this aspect of self-care.

Balance

  1. Maintaining an appropriate workload
  2. Creating diversity of expressive, recreational, and spiritual activities
  3. Developing the ability to both savor and serve
  4. Setting a high priority on self-care
  5. Attending to your inner balance

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Rest

  1. Getting enough rest and retreat time
  2. Planning ahead for times of renewal
  3. Allowing for goof-off time
  4. Getting adequate physical exercise
  5. Being kind and compassionate toward yourself

Satisfaction

  1. Approaching people you help with an attitude of curiosity—savoring and being nourished by their essential qualities; feeling gratitude
  2. Appreciating the value and importance of your professional offerings
  3. Finding novelty in daily routine and resting in the ease of familiar skillfulness
  4. Feeling a sense of inner satisfaction and pleasure in your work
  5. Staying in touch with your desire and vision for service

Support

  1. Using supervision and personal support
  2. Keeping appropriate records, disclosure forms, and malpractice insurance
  3. Knowing, accepting, and accommodating for your limitations
  4. Seeking and using feedback
  5. Accessing continuing education that is inspiring, informative, and stimulating

Here’s a little more background on some of the items listed in the self-assessment above:

3. Serving and Savoring

The following quote from E. B. White got me to thinking: “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” Spending some time walking from one pole to the other in my living room, I became clear that, of course, the choice is not between one or the other—saving or savoring—but finding service in savoring and savoring in service. Taken to an extreme, savoring becomes an ineffective and flat self-indulgence, and taken to the other extreme, serving becomes a desperate and burned-out saving the world. Finding ways to savor—your experiences, beauty, integrity—while you are serving will add richness, nourishment, and satisfaction to your experience of service; and finding ways to serve will add meaning and depth to your appreciation of life.

4. Self-Care as a Priority

A student puts it this way: “I just didn’t get the ethics of this until now. Self-care never even got on my priority list. It was like a luxury or a reward for overworking. Now I understand how my lack of self-care seriously disrupts my ability to be present with my clients. So my question is going to be, ‘What does it take for me to show up for my clients in a way that I feel good about?’ For me, at the most basic level, that means having gotten enough sleep, exercise, and meditation.”

10. Being Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself

Secondary traumatic stress refers to the traumatic stress that can be experienced by caregivers as they work with people in pain and suffering. Sometimes this is referred to as compassion fatigue. It is often unrecognized and under-attended. B. Hudnell Stamm writes: “Secondary traumatic stress makes [a demand] on us: to depart from believing in the illusion that we are protected from other’s pain by scientific postures and our ‘white coats.’ I would not suggest that we leave objectivity behind, but that we recognize that our personal passions drive our desires to do this work and our training and good supervision—of our clinical work, or research, or our teaching—helps us keep our balance and objectivity. Objectivity and flintiness are not a guarantee of our training. Nor should they be. The capacity for compassion and empathy seem to be at the core of our ability to do the work and at the core of our ability to be wounded by the work.”

11. Approaching People You Help with an Attitude of Curiosity

Replacing an anxious “having to know everything” with an attitude of curiosity and attention to what is happening can bring more ease and healing receptiveness for both you and the people you help. Ron Kurtz calls savoring “non-egocentric nourishment.” This is the ability to be nourished by the essential qualities of the people you work with in therapy. This is significantly different from ego pleasure of being a good therapist or making a good intervention or having a great insight. It is a kind of ordinary and transcendent nourishment. It might start with the enjoyment of curiosity and discovery. It might come through seeing the vulnerability or suffering of the other. You are searching for the universal, for the grace and beauty, for some essential good you can see in a person and finding some way you can start to let that fill you up. The people you help will feel your delight and appreciation, and not only will you feel more satisfied and less tired, but your practice will be helping people learn more self-compassion and appreciation.

16. Asking for Support

For helping professionals, asking for help is often felt as a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Think of asking for help as an art. As a colleague said, “Be efficient with your needs. Tell people what you need. Teach people how to leave you alone if they are bugging you. Teach people how to please you if they are taking advantage of you. Teaching can be kind and gentle. The point is to make your needs known in a way they can be met.” When you ask for help and the answer is “no,” ask the person, “If you can’t do this, what could you do?” or, “What part of what I am asking for could you do?” When others ask you for help, practice responding with what, however small, you CAN do, rather than pained excuses for what you can’t do.

18. Knowing Your Limitations

Most often the focus of personal development is on improving in areas of weakness. This is one part of becoming more skillful. But there is another half of skillfulness: accepting and accommodating to limitations. Limitations are important. We all have them. If you are not good at remembering details, it may be more skillful to take time to make clear notes after a session rather than trying to remember things better and getting upset when you don’t. If you know you have a hard time with time boundaries, it may be more skillful to accept this and tell the people you help that you are setting your watch for 10 minutes before the end of the session so it will beep as a reminder to both of you of the time boundary, rather than stressing about going over time.

Once you complete your own personal assessment of how you are doing with your self-care package, I recommend acknowledging the ways you are caring for yourself well. This is a good place to start. Then take a look at the places where you are not doing so well and choose one to three items to make a commitment to improving. Perhaps arrange to check in with someone in a few weeks. The people you help will be all the better for your attention to self-care. Plus, you will likely be happier.

Reference:

Hudnall Stamm, B. (1995). Secondary Traumatic Stress: Self-Care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers and Educators, Preface, p. 1. Brooklandville, MD: Sidran Press.

Happy couple with boxes, talking on porchSatisfying relationships add grace, warmth, and richness to our lives. Some relationships are remarkably nourishing and easy, while others are challenging. Based on years of experience in helping people resolve and repair personal and role-related relationships, here are five tried-and-true practices.

1. Differentiate Reactions from Responses

In preparing for a challenging conversation, one effective practice is to discern whether your feelings about and actions toward the person in question have been reactions or responses. Awareness of the difference can change everything. A reaction consists of words or actions based on feelings or experiences from the past. A response is a comeback based in real time.

For example, my partner, in a neutral tone of voice, asked me if I had repaired the mailbox yet. Having felt criticized long ago for not doing enough, I reacted with a strong and sour emotional burst: “No. You think it’s not on my mind? You haven’t noticed I already have 100 urgent things on my list?” That reaction was obviously not helpful and could easily begin an escalation. A response would have been, “Nope. But it’s fixed enough to get by until I have more time. I haven’t forgotten it.” You can imagine how much better this would have gone over.

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As another example, someone in therapy showed me a letter she had gotten from her mother. Enclosed was a $10 bill for her to use to do something nice for herself to help reduce the stress she was feeling. Her reply was, “This makes me so mad. Does she actually think $10 is going to pay for all the things she did wrong to me? It’s so lame. And it’s all about HER. It’s always all about HER.” Reaction, right?

After we did some talking about it, she shifted gears to a response: “Thanks, Mom. I’ll use it for something nice. I appreciate your wanting to help.” Things would go so much better with this reply.

Self-reflecting ahead of time about how you might respond, rather than react, may shift your energy and increase the chances of a successful interchange.

2. Engage Your Curiosity

The second important practice for improving your relationship is to find your curiosity when you feel attacked verbally. Imagine looking at the person you feel challenged by. Notice how you experience the challenge from this person. Now imagine turning around and changing only one thing—engaging your curiosity.

Next, imagine turning back and facing this person again, this time with curiosity. Notice how the person and conflict shift for you, thereby enabling you to de-escalate the conflict.

3. Link a Complaint with a Request for Change

I hear, “You always greet me with a negative comment on my looks. You keep saying I look tired and stressed. I think you use this to manipulate me into changing to accord with your ideas.” I hear, “I hate the way you are always looking over my shoulder at work, and then you criticize me if I’m not doing something the way you would.”

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

When I interrupt and ask, “Do you have a request for a change?” the wheels of criticism stop turning. There is a little space for something different to happen. The person who has a complaint has to refocus their attention from what they don’t like, and feel hurt and hopeless about, to what they want and toward the kind of interaction that would work better for them. No blame is needed. This request for change offers the would-be critic an unexpected chance for self-reflection rather than shaming and blaming the other.

As a therapist and consultant, I notice that people tend to focus on complaining, blaming, or psychologizing each other. This approach inevitably leads to a downward energy spiral, loss of connection, and, ultimately, feelings of despair.

The second part of this process engages the person receiving the complaint. “What parts of this request can you say yes to?” I invite the receiver to notice making a request can be a vulnerable and self-revealing thing. I continue, “For the sake of the relationship, it is not acceptable to say an absolute no. You may feel fine about the request, even grateful to know what would work better. Or you may find only some or even just one part of the request that you can say yes to, but you need to affirm at least that.”

Here’s an example: “My request is that if you are concerned about my well-being, please ask me how I am, believe my response, and then move on. The way this will benefit our relationship is I will feel more connected and real with you instead of mad that you don’t believe my response.” The receiver might only be able to say yes to inquiring about how I am. Rather than this small yes causing a relationship shutdown (as an absolute no would have), it opens the door to a genuine, heartfelt negotiation about the issue. Letting go of accusing the person with the complaint enables us to understand the motivation underlying all the questioning.

The change finally agreed to was that both would ask rather than comment, and be direct rather than covert. If one of them didn’t believe the response, they would arrange for another time to talk more personally outside the work setting. This complaint process has three parts: a succinct statement of the complaint, a measurable and specific request for a change, and a sentence or two about how this change would benefit the relationship.

4. Ask for a Do-Over

Have you ever wished you could simply redo an interaction that went poorly or escalated beyond what would be reasonable? Well, you can! A do-over begins with acknowledging something in the interchange didn’t go over well or as intended. Your impact can so often be different from your intention.

Here’s an example: Carla says, “I know you’re hurting, and if you would just do this course, everything would be okay.” Martin responds, “I’m sick of this. You’re always talking about your new ideas as if they were God’s gift from heaven. It’s like if I don’t agree, then there is something wrong with me, some way I am not good enough.”

Carla notices the conversation is not going well. “Oops! Could we do a do-over? It wasn’t my intention to tell you you are wrong or bad. If we could please begin again, I’d like to say it differently. “Martin, I just took a great course. I’m handling my stress much better now. How are you doing with stress these days? You might want to consider this course too.” Martin: “Actually, I’m not feeling much stress these days, but I’m interested in hearing about your experience.” Much better. No emotional charge. No escalation. The relationship is repaired and strengthened.

A do-over can reorient a relationship without those involved needing to do a lot of processing.

5. Make Your Challenging Conversation an Investment in Your Relationship

We tend to link conflict with pain, loss, anger, and no possibility for repair. When you make a shift toward understanding that attending to difficulties is an investment in the relationship, fear can be reduced on both sides. You can approach the person you challenged (or who challenged you) with an eye toward working it out in a way that furthers the relationship. This person will likely feel your interest in maintaining the relationship.

It’s been my experience that relationships in which people have successfully worked through a conflict tend to be even deeper and more satisfying than those that rarely have a conflict to work through. When relationship challenges are seen as offering a chance to make it better, you will be taking an action that benefits and strengthens that relationship.

As a reminder, one of the four dimensions of right use of power is the relationship dimension. In using your personal and professional power wisely and well, it is of great importance to track for problems, attend to them, and repair disconnects sooner rather than later. Give the keys described here a try. You—and those you relate with—will likely be happy you did.

Women working in store“I feel like I am not listened to and that what I say doesn’t count.” “I feel humiliated for speaking up.” “I’m afraid of losing my job if I am critical.” “I’m expected to take care of things that are not my responsibility.” “I feel used and taken advantage of.” “My supervisor can’t change. It’s just the way it is, and I have to accept it.” “It’s hopeless! I’ve tried, and nothing changes.” “Every time I do the right thing, it feels like I get punished.” “I can’t believe my boss doesn’t get how we feel about him and what kind of harm he’s causing.” “My therapist says she wants all kinds of feedback, but when I give her negative feedback, she just turns it around on me.” “My feelings and opinions just aren’t taken seriously.” “It’s just not safe.” “It’s really unjust, but it is more peaceful to just let it go.” “I feel like it is just hopeless to have an effect, so I don’t invest myself.” “I can’t believe it. She just said no. And she’s my friend.” “He’s always too busy.” “There’s no acknowledgement, no follow-up from what I say.” “She must be right.”

Sound familiar?

These are feelings and experiences frequently expressed by people when they are in what I call a down-power role. People in therapy, students, supervisees, employees, medical patients, and parishioners, among others, are in roles with less power and influence than their up-power therapists, teachers, supervisors, employers, doctors, and clergy. This greater power is an automatic accompaniment to professional or positional power and, in fact, is embedded in the up-power role. Role power is earned or assigned. Role power is an add-on to the personal power we all have and need in our lives. Think of it like a scarf or mantle of additional power and responsibility that one puts on when one is in an up-power role.

Often without recognizing it, we may move between up- and down-power roles multiple times in a day. At the dentist, we are down-power. As a teacher, we are up-power. With a police officer, we are down-power. This power difference, although it has vital functional and emotional value, creates relational dynamics that, when misused, are reflected in the italicized statements above.

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Therapist, supervisor, teacher, director, clergy, doctor, police officer: these are the positional power roles that carry an especially strong power difference. The stronger the power difference, the greater the vulnerability and risk for those who are down-power. The strength of the power differential is directly related to the amount of risk.

I use the terminology up-power roles and down-power positions because they are simply directional words, not necessarily evaluative words. By the way, there are other up-power roles in which the power difference is not very great (although still present), or the power difference is temporary—waiter in a restaurant, committee chair, lecturer. Virtually all jobs have some up-power responsibilities for assessment and final decision-making.

The power-differential effects that I want to describe are the relational dynamics that are most potent in high-difference roles, such as teacher, therapist, clergy, supervisor, and director. This information may be useful to you when you are in a challenging down-power position and want to have some positive influence but not get hurt or feel put down. It may also be useful when you are in an up-power role and things aren’t smooth, or you’re getting a lot of pushback, shutdown, passivity, or anger. Reviewing these dynamics can help you make self-corrections that can shift the relationship for the better.

The dynamics are as follows:

  1. All power/no power
  2. Skewed impacts
  3. 150% principle
  4. Power blindness
  5. Power with heart

Let’s explore these dynamics in greater depth.

1. All Power/No Power

There is a misconception, based on witnessing or experiencing abuses of power, that up-power means “all power” and down-power means “no power.” This is a self-reinforcing dynamic. The more the up-power person over-identifies with the increased power accompanying their role, the more the down-power person feels powerless and disempowered; meanwhile, the more the down-power person experiences or assumes no power, the more the up-power person experiences or assumes they have all the power.

Without understanding the difference between role power and personal power (and also status power), it is easy and natural to think of role power as if it were personal power. As a therapist, it is not healthy to take a person’s suffering home. Better to leave it at the office. As an airline pilot, it is not healthy to treat your partner and children as if they were staff or passengers under your command.

There are also ways in which people get stuck in an up-power role even when they have taken off their role mantel. A member of the clergy, for example, may not be able to go to a meeting without being expected to hold up-power role responsibilities. We are generally unaware of how frequently we change from up-power roles to down-power positions.

2. Skewed Impacts

In the relationship between up-power and down-power, it is acceptable and a responsibility of the up-power role to give feedback—both positive and challenging. For those in a down-power position, it is fine to give positive feedback, but it can be risky to give negative feedback or even suggestions for what would work better. Challenging feedback can be met with humiliation, putdown, demotion, or even loss of a job.

3. 150% Principle

The 150% principle is an important concept. The up-power role is weighted toward responsibility, while the down-power role is weighted toward risk. One of the responsibilities that goes with the up-power role is what I call the 150% principle. While all are 100% responsible for the health of the relationship, the ones in the up-power roles are even more responsible—hence the 150% metaphor.

On a day-to-day basis, this attitude means the person in the up-power role needs to be 50% more active in tracking for and resolving working-relationship problems and issues, earning trust, holding the big picture, demonstrating listening and responding to feedback (especially challenging feedback), attending to safety, and being fair and respectful. This is a tall order, but it is part of using role power wisely and well.

4. Power Blindness

The socially dominant concept of power as force, exploitation, and manipulation often leads people in up-power roles to disown, deny, or downplay their increased power and influence by virtue of their role. This power blindness causes much harm, albeit harm that is subtle, confusing, and difficult to address.

Power blindness is particularly a problem for people in the helping professions: teachers, supervisors, therapists, and clergy, all of whom are often trying to help people heal from the wounds of power abuse and thus should be particularly sensitive to misuses of power. They don’t want to cause harm, yet they frequently fail to understand how their up-power roles heighten their influence, just as turning up the volume on the television increases the sound.

5. Power with Heart

The core of “right use of power” is the ability to stay connected. Staying connected involves standing in your strength while staying in your heart. Both strength and compassion are necessary aspects of power.

When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact.

Many shadow aspects can interfere with a leader’s ability and even interest in staying in a relationship. Here are two of them: social distance and the ability to take action without interference. Both of these conditions have leadership value. Social distance helps give a leader a view of the whole person or organization that is essential for good care and decision-making. The ability to take action without interference allows the leader to take charge and make difficult decisions that move things along and are for the good of the whole even though not everyone affected agrees. However, in seeing the forest, one’s connection to individual trees can get lost or distorted. Compassion is lost when individuals become cogs in the wheel of progress and financial success.

An unfortunate but natural result of being able to take action without interference is that leaders begin to be more impulsive, more self-oriented, and less respectful in their relationships. Helping professionals and leaders need to understand this dynamic in order to be alert to ways they may unconsciously be losing compassion and connection.

It might be interesting now to go back to the beginning of this article and look at the statements. Can you relate each statement to one or more of the relational dynamics described? Do you have personal experiences with any of these role-power issues? To repeat, understanding and working with these relational dynamics may be empowering, whatever role you are in. When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact. Staying connected is key. Maybe it’s not so hopeless, after all.

“GoodTherapy | The Power Differential and Why It Matters So Much in TherapyI’m trying to imagine ethics without an awareness of power. That would be like trying not to step on anyone’s toes, without an awareness of one’s feet.” —Susan Mikesic

The power differential is the inherently greater power and influence that helping professionals have as compared to the people they help. Understanding both the value and the many impacts of the power differential is the core of ethical awareness. Written codes for ethical behavior are based on the strong positive and negative impacts of this power differential.

People seeking help are in a position in which they must trust in the knowledge and guidance of their caregiver. This results in a greater-than-ordinary vulnerability. Consequently, people are unusually susceptible to harm and confusion through misuses (either under- or overuse) of power and influence.

Examples of Power Inequality

“The impact of the role, control, and power difference between client and therapist is very strong and also very subtle, and thus demands a strong ethical stance. In brief, your role as the therapist [or any helping professional] is to create a safe space, empower your client, protect your client’s spirit, and to see a wider perspective.” —Hakomi Institute Code of Ethics preface

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Stated another way, there is a power inequality whenever you take on a role that gives you authority over another or creates the perception that you have authority. Power differential roles include: supervisor, clergy, body worker, healer, lawyer, coach, group leader, therapist, counselor, doctor/nurse, mediator, teacher, social worker, massage therapist, guide, and social worker.

Personal Power and Role Power

In talking about the power differential, it is necessary to clearly describe and distinguish between two kinds of power. This distinction is important because it makes clear that the increased power that accompanies a position of authority is role-based and not the same as personal power.

I like to show the difference between these two powers with scarves. When I am a therapist, I have my personal power, of course, but I wear my added-on role power as if it were a scarf. When I leave my office, I take my role-power scarf off. My personal power stays with me. It’s like my scarf has access to and stores information related to the enhanced power that belongs to my role. With my scarf on, I can remember multiple details about my clients’ processes. When I take my scarf off, I can and need to leave those details and responsibilities behind.

This is not a purely black-and-white thing. Of course I continue to have concern about the people I work with in therapy, and I am known as a therapist or teacher even when I am not in these roles. But many misuses of power are a result of the person in the up-power role over-identifying with his or her role power, forgetting that this is a role-based add-on power.

My friend Nancy’s husband, Daniel, is a commercial airline pilot. Until they understood this dynamic, their marital relationship was quite compromised each time Daniel came home and acted as if he were still the airline pilot—a commanding position. Things changed when Daniel ritually took off his hat with the symbolic words, “I’m hanging the pilot on the hook now.”

Up-Power and Down-Power

I refer to those in positions of increased role power as having “up-power” and those in corresponding positions of lesser power as having “down-power.” These are simple and directional terms not intended to indicate disrespect, disempowerment, exploitation, manipulation, better, worse, power over, or power under. Instead, these terms are intended to denote role differences in responsibility and vulnerability.

Up-power and down-power positions have cognitive, emotional, and somatic differences. As an exercise, I ask my students to walk around the room imagining walking with someone up-power to them. My students notice a variety of things—feeling smaller, more cautious, protective, turned inward (or, for some, feeling relaxed, eager, relieved). Then, when imagining walking with someone they are up-power with, they notice feeling more spacious, focused on the other, taller, kind, caring, and alert. It is very clear to them that the two roles are experienced differently. For most, this is a surprise. A student described the difference in this way: “When I’m a practitioner, my personal needs and ‘stuff’ are behind me resting against my shoulders, and when I’m a client, my personal needs and ‘stuff’ are sitting right there in a huge ball on my lap, visible and available.”

We move back and forth daily between being in up-power positions and down-power positions.

We move back and forth daily between being in up-power positions and down-power positions. (Like putting on a scarf or robe when in a role and taking it off when leaving the role, we move from up-power therapists to a down-power supervisee, or up-power doctor to down-power patient, for example.) We are usually unaware of the shift. This unconscious shifting of roles makes it more difficult to clearly understand the dynamics and impacts.

Some up-power roles carry a stronger differential—and, therefore, a stronger risk of harm—than others. For example, the president or a police officer or a therapist has a greater power difference than the chair of a committee or a clerk in a store. But all up-power roles have impacts and dynamics.

Value of the Power Differential

In the helping professions, the power differential has great value. Used wisely and appropriately, it creates a safe, well-boundaried, professional context for growth and healing. More specifically, when used ethically and effectively, the power differential offers people in therapy, students, supervisees, and patients some important assurances:

These values can be reduced to six categories:

  1. Safety, kindness, and boundaries
  2. Larger frame
  3. Expertise
  4. Assigned responsibilities
  5. Accountability
  6. Assessment and productivity

Think about it. When you go to a therapist, doctor, or teacher, you want to be in an environment where you can get what you need. You want the environment to be different than just talking to a friend. When you get on a plane, for example, you want and need the pilot to look and act competent. Wearing jeans and a T-shirt just won’t do. You need him or her to be skilled, to embrace his or her role, and treat you with respect.

Understanding and Owning Your Power and Influence

Because the power differential is role-dependent, it is easy to over-identify with (or get inflated by) this increased or enhanced power. However, it is just as easy to misuse this increased power by under-identifying with it. The central idea here is the necessity to understand and own your role power so that you can be conscious and informed.

Here are several misunderstandings that illustrate the multiplicity of the impact of the power differential for both helping professionals and people who seek help:

The power difference between therapist and person in therapy, or other similar pairs, is the dynamic that creates down-power vulnerability. Down-power vulnerability, based in a role, is what creates the need for ethical guidelines to protect people from harm.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.