Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m done with my family. With the exception of my brother-in-law, they have all become angry, nasty people (dare I say racist in many cases). Their beliefs are the polar opposite of mine. Some of them believe and say things that would be very hurtful to some of my friends, and I find it deeply offensive. Of course, they think it’s my problem for being offended. Apparently there is nothing wrong with them and I just need “thicker skin.”

You know what? No. If not for our shared DNA, we wouldn’t even be friends. Why should I pretend to like you just because we were put on this earth in circumstances that caused us to have to tolerate each other?

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I have to tell you how alone I feel right now. I hate that I feel so out of place in my own family. It feels like a choice between morality and loyalty. I choose morality. My brother-in-law tends to grin and bear it, but I can tell he is struggling with this too.

I’m not sure why I am writing. I’m just really sad right now. I don’t feel like I have a family, even though they are alive and well. And I don’t know what to do about that. —On My Own

Dear On Your Own,

I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a painful place. We are living in polarized times where the differences between us can feel like insurmountable gulfs. There are many people finding themselves at odds with friends, family members, and coworkers in surprising and hurtful ways. There is no one way to manage these hurtful experiences; we can only find the path that works for us.

People can disagree, and yet, with compassion and empathy, hear one another and find ways to connect. It sounds, however, as if you have raised your concerns with your family and have been brushed off and had your feelings dismissed. That is not what you might hope to experience from those who are, in theory, closest to you.

I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity.

I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity. You have tried to share your feelings and discomfort and have not received understanding, compassion, or respect. It would be understandable if you did not want to continue being in relationship with people who seem to care so little about how you feel. That isn’t disloyalty, that is self-preservation.

Given how hurt and isolated you feel, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed therapist about your feelings of loss and disappointment. You can explore how you want to move forward and if there may be ways to stay connected with your family that would not be so painful.

Each of us has the family we were born into and the family that we create. Both can be supportive parts of our lives, but sometimes we have to move away from one toward another that serves us better.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My dad abandoned our family when I was in elementary school. A week after my birthday, actually. At 8 years old, I was man of the house.

My mom was already bringing home all the cash, since my dad never worked. Money-wise, our family’s situation didn’t change. But when my dad left, there was no more babysitter. I had to step up and be the parent for my own brothers, microwaving their dinners, teaching them to tie their shoes, and so on. This was back when kids could still play outside without the neighbors calling child services.

At the time, I figured my dad had rejected us. I got a whole inferiority complex about it in my teens. I looked for role models in all the wrong places. Therapy helped me get my act together, but it didn’t make the hurt go away.

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Later, my mom told me my dad was an alcoholic. He didn’t abandon us for another family. He was just getting drunk in a bar somewhere. Instead of hating myself, I started hating him. I mean, it was bad enough to choose another kid over me, but to leave me for booze? It didn’t make sense.

I’ve worked hard to move on. I have my own children now, and I raise them as best I can. But a month ago, guess what happened? The prodigal father returned. He said he’s gotten sober and he wants to be a father again. He wants to meet his grandchildren.

My little brothers forgave him instantly. They were toddlers when he left, so his absence didn’t hurt them as much. They pity my dad for having an addiction. Now they’re pressuring me to invite him to my daughter’s baptism.

I told my brothers that I refuse to let that man back into my life. If they want to spend time with him, that is their business. But I spent my whole life learning to get along without my dad. I see no reason to restart a relationship that only brought me pain.

Do I have to forgive my dad? I feel like I’m chained to this person who almost ruined my life. Am I a bad person if I want to leave my deadbeat dad in the past? —The Abandoned Son

Dear Abandoned,

You are the only one who can decide what relationship, if any, you want to have with your dad. If you choose not to engage with him, that does not make you a bad person. Simply being related by blood does not require us to sustain a relationship, particularly if that relationship feels hurtful or harmful.

I would encourage you, however, to work on forgiveness. Not for your dad’s sake, or so you can build a relationship with him, but for your sake. Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment winds up being toxic. It casts a shadow over our lives and our relationships in sometimes significant ways.

Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment winds up being toxic. It casts a shadow over our lives and our relationships in sometimes significant ways.

Your father was not able to be there for you when you were growing up. That was painful and confusing. His limitations prevented him from being the dad you wanted or needed. Nothing he does now will change that. You can, however, change your understanding of your experience if you choose to. Your dad’s addiction prevented him from showing up for his family. It must have been a powerful force for him to miss out on so much.

It might help you to find other grown children of people with alcoholism to share your feelings and experiences with. They may be able to share their stories and their struggles in ways that help you clarify your own. There are usually groups and meetings you can attend to meet others who might have similar stories to tell. I also encourage you to reconnect with a therapist to work through how you want to handle the family pressure you are feeling to invite someone who hurt you back into your life.

It is possible to have compassion for your father and to recognize his struggles and limitations without choosing to allow him into your life. Whatever you decide, leading with anger or resentment may cause you more pain and regret. If you are able to release yourself from that hurt, you may be more likely to find peace with your choices.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My parents have three children, and I’m the least favorite. They’ve never said it in those exact words, but it’s obvious in the way they act. My two younger sisters are spoiled rotten. They don’t do half the chores I did at their ages. My parents pay for any clothes or gadgets they ask for. One of them is getting a car for her next birthday. Meanwhile, I’m working part time in between college classes just to afford textbooks.

Whenever I bring up the difference in treatment, my parents get really defensive. They argue they were just teenagers when they had me, so they couldn’t afford nice things like they can today. But if they have money now, shouldn’t they split it evenly between their kids? I mean, I know at 19 I’m technically an adult, but all my friends’ parents at least try to pitch in with college expenses. Mine are the only ones who don’t pay anything.

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It’s not just money, either. I visit home every other weekend, but my parents basically ignore me. Whenever we have company over, my parents will brag on and on about my sisters, but I’m always mentioned as an afterthought. I feel like a ghost in my own house.

I feel like I shouldn’t care this much. I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t be chasing after my parents’ approval. But I can’t stop obsessing about it. I’ll literally lie awake at night, just being angry. Sometimes I’ll find myself snapping at my sisters, even though they’re just kids and it’s not their fault for being the favorites.

Is there a way I can get my parents to see how unfair this all is? I sort of want to stop visiting home, just to see how they’d react. Is that petty? Should I just accept that I’m the least favorite kid and move on? —The Unfavorite

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Unfavorite,

Thank you for writing. Perhaps no relationships are as complicated as family relationships. It’s not unusual for oldest children to feel like they get the short end of the stick while their younger siblings get spoiled.

Often, as the family dynamics change, there are some very real differences in what parents are able to offer their children. If your parents were teenagers when you were born, it is likely you had a starkly different childhood than your siblings. Is it fair? No. Rarely are family dynamics fair. Generally, most parents try to meet the needs of their children that they are able to meet. There may have been needs of yours they were not able to meet that they can meet now for your sisters.

It seems, though, that bringing these disparities to your parents’ attention is triggering their defenses rather than empathy for you. It could be your observations are heard as a criticism of your childhood rather than as a wish that things could be more equitable now. While there may be many reasons your family dynamics are what they are, none of this diminishes the pain you feel.

There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

It may be helpful to think about what you want in terms of a relationship with your parents independent of what your sisters are experiencing. If you would like financial support with schooling, perhaps you could ask for it—not because your sisters have so much more than you did, but because it would be helpful to you. If you keep your sisters and any comparisons to them out of the picture, you might be able to focus on your relationship with your parents and reduce the defensiveness you’ve experienced from them.

You may also want to work with a licensed professional to explore why their approval is as important to you as it seems to be. There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

Whatever path you follow, if you focus on how unfair things are, you may only build resentment that creates a barrier between you and all members of your family. If you want to have healthy relationships with your parents and your sisters, finding ways to remove resentment will be essential.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My adult daughter is incredibly gifted (she tested around 130 IQ), but she has pretty serious depression. The sleeps-all-day, forgets-to-eat kind. It took her an extra two years to graduate from college because she kept turning assignments in late. Once she got her engineering degree, everyone thought she’d get a job easily, but she bombed all her interviews. Eventually she ended up working as a waitress.

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She’s been in therapy for a year now, and her more serious symptoms have improved. My daughter says she wants to quit her job and go to graduate school. However, she keeps procrastinating on applications and missing deadlines. When I try to ask about her progress, she clams up and shuts me out.

I know she’s an adult now. I can’t do everything for her. But I would hate to see my daughter’s depression sabotage her career. All she needs is a little support for her condition.

Should I take a more active role in guiding my child? Or is my daughter’s procrastination a sign she’s not actually ready for graduate school? I want her to reach her full potential, but I don’t want to push her into a situation she can’t handle. —Not an Empty Nester Yet

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Not an Empty Nester,

It can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It can be even harder when you feel so helpless. Your daughter is an adult, is in therapy, and has to be in charge of her future. Your desire to help her comes from a loving place, but sadly, it is not the kind of help she needs.

Often when we try to help our kids by smoothing their path or taking care of things for them, we unintentionally signal that we’re not confident in their ability to manage things. This can reinforce their self-doubts and contribute to their sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness. What our kids need more often is to hear and see from us that we believe they can manage their lives, and that we are available for support if they want it. Then we must step back and let them fall and pick themselves back up. It can be excruciating to watch, and of course we can intervene when they are in serious or life-threatening danger. Failure to reach potential, though, doesn’t meet that standard.

If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing.

It’s also not unusual for kids, even as they enter adulthood, to push back against the expectations they believe others (especially parents) have of them. If your daughter feels you are more invested in her graduate school applications than she is, she may lose some of her own motivation. Ultimately, she will have to decide what she wants and how much she wants to pursue it. If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing. Maybe grad school is the right choice for her now, maybe not. Either way, she must choose how to live her life and forge her own path.

If you are wondering how best to support your daughter, could you ask to meet with her and her therapist? Her therapist might be able to offer ideas about how to communicate effectively with your daughter and offer her loving support in a way that bolsters her sense of self-efficacy. If not, perhaps you could find a therapist to work with to share your fears and concerns and identify a way to manage the anxiety you feel on your daughter’s behalf.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Several years ago, my wife began seeing a therapist. After a year, she asked that I join her for a session. Afterward, I began seeing the same therapist frequently on my own and periodically with my wife (we were having marital issues). After about nine months of this, my wife terminated her relationship with the therapist because she didn’t feel her voice was being heard. She felt the therapist was constantly preaching patience and taking my “side” on most issues.

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I continued to see the therapist for what remained of our marriage (about a year) and beyond and indeed still see her to this day. I just found out that my now ex-wife (we’ve been divorced four months) has reengaged her relationship with this same therapist. Obviously, the divorce is still fresh, but I’m feeling a lot of emotions here and I’m frankly not sure they are justified. I feel betrayed. At a minimum, I think the therapist should have told me that she had taken on my ex as a client again. I also feel uncomfortable moving forward using the same therapist as my ex. Am I justified in these feelings? —Untold Anger

Dear Untold,

Your question raises a number of concerns. The short answer is that your therapist is ethically bound NOT to let you know she is working with your ex-wife. Part of client confidentiality includes not sharing the identity of a person in therapy with another person without the explicit permission of that client.

That said, the way your relationship with this therapist evolved sounds messy. The first moment that may have been confusing was when your wife’s individual therapist also became your individual therapist and also worked with the two of you as a couple. When a therapist works with multiple members of a family system, it is essential that boundaries are clear and all parties are comfortable with the situation. Exploring the benefits and risks prior to engaging in the work is essential. Checking in regularly to ensure everyone’s needs are being met is also important. Working with individuals and working with them as a couple can be beneficial at times, but it also runs the risk of one party feeling as if the therapist is more aligned with their partner and takes their side.

In individual therapy, the alignment between person in therapy and counselor is clear. In couples work, the relationship is the “client,” and it is imperative that neither individual feels marginalized. Managing that well and simultaneously meeting the needs of both individuals and the relationship can be challenging. It seems as if your wife began to feel as if her needs were not being met and took appropriate steps to terminate her relationship with that therapist.

Whether or not your feelings are “justified,” if you are feeling betrayed it is important that you address those feelings with your therapist.

It seems as if you felt aligned with and supported by this therapist until the recent revelation that she was working with your ex. Whether or not your feelings are “justified,” if you are feeling betrayed it is important that you address those feelings with your therapist. Having the opportunity to explore what is contributing to your discomfort could be helpful. You may ultimately decide you are not comfortable moving forward with this particular therapist, or you may discover that you are able to work together. Either way, having a conversation about trust and boundaries seems important.

I do wonder about some of the roots of your discomfort. In theory, your therapist is meeting with each of you as individuals; therefore, there should not be competing alignment concerns. Your sessions would focus on your needs, your ex-wife’s on hers. Given the history you’ve had with this therapist, however, I wonder if perhaps you are concerned about her ability to remain impartial and unbiased. Are you concerned that you may begin to feel the way your wife felt before she terminated their relationship? Might you be worried that this therapist will not be able to compartmentalize information from one of your sessions and bring that bias into the other’s session?

Whatever your concerns, without safety and trust, it is unlikely that your work together would be helpful or beneficial. If you are able to address your concerns, this might be an opportunity to deepen your trust. At the very least, this feels like important feedback for your therapist so she can understand how her choices are impacting your feelings of trust and safety.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of all the commercialization. I’m also pretty much broke. I know I’m going to get all kinds of gifts, some of which are expensive, and the expectation will be that I return the favor.

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Christmas is big in my family, and everyone tends to spend big accordingly. Even if I had money to spend, though, I don’t want to spend it on gifts. And I work two jobs, so I don’t have time to make things for people. So I don’t know what to do. I just want to skip Christmas and go straight to New Year’s, but instead I’m going to have to deal with all kinds of guilt over not being a good reciprocal gift giver. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me, I’ll take them. —Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

You are not alone in dreading the expectations of the holidays. What once felt like it was about gathering with loved ones and sharing in the joy of the season has, for many, become about obligation. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Do you think your family would be open to looking at this holiday differently? Some families are moving in a direction to replace tangible gifts with experiences. Would that be something you could all discuss?

My recommendation would be to talk about how you are feeling with your family. Let them know you aren’t able to participate in lavish gift giving. You could ask them what might be something meaningful they would like from you. If you are clear with them before they select a gift for you, they can still choose to give you an expensive gift; they cannot expect you to return the favor.

For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means.

If your family traditions are inspiring feelings of guilt rather than joy, before the holidays is a good time to talk about them. For some, the giving is what brings them joy—even without the expectation of a return. For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the price tag that is big. What could make the holiday fun for you? If you come with some suggestions about what you’d like the holiday to be or mean, you may find that others get excited about your ideas. At the very least, you are starting a dialogue about what matters to you and what you hope your family traditions may be.

If you have been honest with your family, and they have let you off the hook for lavish gift exchange and you are still feeling guilty, you may want to explore those feelings with a therapist. You may want to look at how you wish to engage with your family around holidays and other traditions in ways that work for you. Sometimes we believe it is impossible to break out of family patterns that seem entrenched. Getting support on how to start that process could be helpful.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve been married for nine years and have two children. This past month, my wife told me that she no longer loves me and she needs space. I was diagnosed with depression a year ago and she says the episode changed me and I am no longer the person she married. She now wants time to “find herself” and to try and “discover her love” again.

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Since letting me know about how she feels, she has become very distant and spends most of her time reading books or giving her attention to friends. She also refuses to talk about the situation; she says that just makes things worse and will push her further away. She says she will chat to me when she is ready.

I’m really not sure what to do. I feel completely unloved and stuck in a situation where I’m with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. While I’m trying to be supportive to her, it also hurts to know I’m with someone who doesn’t love me anymore. I still love her deeply. —Feeling Unloved

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Feeling,

How very painful it must have been to hear your wife say those words to you. It is not unusual for feelings to ebb and flow over the course of a relationship, but hearing a partner say they no longer love you is hurtful. On the one hand, it sounds like your wife wants to “discover” her love again—meaning she has not closed the door on the possibility your love can be rekindled. She may be on a journey of her own and may need time and space to get there. However, it is difficult to rediscover love in a vacuum. It sounds as if you feel as if you are in the dark about what your wife wants or needs and what a reasonable timeline might be, which is a frustrating and scary place to be.

It also sounds as if you feel her withdrawing from you and your relationship, which also can be painful. You may be ready to engage, but she is not. When you experienced your depression, I wonder if you experienced a similar need to withdraw from the relationship. Is there anything in your experience of the past year that can help you understand what she is experiencing?

No matter the path you choose, it will require both of you to engage in conversations about how to move through this process, particularly as parents of young children. The way the two of you communicate and navigate this uncertain time will have an impact on how you are able to parent together.

While she may not be ready to talk about the situation, it is reasonable to ask for some parameters. You can’t rush another’s process, but you can discuss a timeline for check-ins. This doesn’t mean requiring big answers of one another, but there needs to be a way for the two of you to share information so you both can make good decisions. One of those decisions may be to not stay “stuck” in a situation where you feel unloved. Your relationship needs to work for the two of you, and if your needs are not being met, and especially if you are feeling more and more hurt and isolated, it’s fair to consider whether staying in the relationship makes sense for you.

There is much to sort out for each of you individually and both of you together. My recommendation would be for each of you to work with an individual counselor to clarify your needs and what you are able to offer one another, and, if your wife is willing, to work with a couples counselor who can help the two of you decide how to be in relationship together.

I have known couples who needed to take a break from one another in order to find ways to reconnect. For some, that meant separating for a time while working in counseling together. Others found ways to do so without physically separating, but by establishing clear guidelines for how to be together during a transitional time. No matter the path you choose, it will require both of you to engage in conversations about how to move through this process, particularly as parents of young children. The way the two of you communicate and navigate this uncertain time will have an impact on how you are able to parent together. Finding ways to parent effectively together may provide opportunities to reconnect as a team and rediscover one another as partners. Opening lines of communication without pressuring one another to have answers is an important step to take, and one that may need the support of a professional.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I don’t think my relationship with my boyfriend is that bad, but some of my friends beg to differ. Mainly, they are concerned about some of the language he uses with me. He can be crass at times, for sure, but I don’t think he usually means to make me feel bad. I tend to look at it like he’s just “being a guy” since it’s how I hear guys talking to each other sometimes. Maybe he just looks at me as “one of the guys” and it’s a comfort thing?

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For as long as we’ve been together (going on two years now), he has called me “b—-,” “c—,” and “w—-” pretty often. Like, at least one of those at least once a day, and usually way more. Sometimes he says these things when I make him mad, but more often than not it’s like he uses these terms in place of my real name, almost like a playful nickname? I have asked him once or twice why he does it and he says I shouldn’t overthink it and they’re just “terms of endearment.”

Obviously, I’m used to it after all this time, but whenever he does this when my friends are around they gasp or come to my defense. Privately, a couple of friends have told me my boyfriend is being emotionally abusive when he calls me names, and that I should not tolerate it. I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that my friends considered what he was doing emotional abuse, and he just got defensive and actually did it more, as if to make a point. I don’t see him stopping. I can’t decide if it bothers me (or should bother me) or not. Do you think I am being abused? I don’t want to leave him since I don’t feel all that unhappy in general, but I also hate to think I am in an abusive relationship! —Sticks and Stones

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Sticks and Stones,

The only people who can really evaluate how a relationship is working are the people who are in the relationship.

That said, the behaviors you are describing would naturally raise concerns with those who care about you. The words he is using, especially “c—” and “w—-,” are aggressive words that are generally considered pretty disrespectful. The fact he uses these words when he is angry is a red flag. As far as terms of endearment go, they aren’t very endearing. You are not “one of the guys”—you are his partner. There is a difference.

The true indicator, however, is how he would respond if you did ask him to stop. If you decided you did not want to be called those names, even affectionately or playfully, would he respect your wishes or would he dismiss them? Telling you not to “overthink” things seems pretty dismissive. Your attempt to raise the issue about your friends’ feelings seemed to increase rather than decrease the behavior. That is not a sign of someone who is willing to take in alternative perspectives or be sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Those are warning signs to pay attention to.

Only you can decide if your relationship is working for you. I would encourage you, however, to think beyond the words and explore how your needs are being met in the relationship and how you feel when you are with this person. Do you feel cared for, loved, and respected?

You do not have to be bothered by words if they don’t bother you. You don’t have to be bothered by words because your friends are bothered. It is important, however, to pay attention to how your boyfriend handles conflict and responds to your feelings. Is he willing to adjust his habits if they are hurtful to you? If not, then your friends have reason to be concerned.

Generally, how we speak to people is a reflection of how we think of them and usually a strong predictor of how we treat them. Using dismissive, disrespectful, or derogatory language tends to distance us from the humanity of the other person and allows us to ignore their feelings and needs. This may not happen intentionally, but it is often a side effect of that kind of practice.

Only you can decide if your relationship is working for you. I would encourage you, however, to think beyond the words and explore how your needs are being met in the relationship and how you feel when you are with this person. Do you feel cared for, loved, and respected? Do you feel your needs are valued and attended to? Do you feel like he is your number one fan and will support you through tough times? Does he help build you up when you are feeling low? Do you feel good about yourself when you are with him?

If the answer to these questions is no, then language is not the biggest issue in your relationship. And if that’s the case, you may want to speak with a qualified therapist who can help you sort through your feelings and your options.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

First, let me say I don’t think I’m a great parent, but I do try to be one. I know the way I parent is different than how a lot of people are with their kids. I just don’t know if that’s good or bad.

My kids are grown up. My son is 24 and lives with his girlfriend in an apartment a few miles away. My daughter is 25, lives halfway across the country, and recently graduated from college with a degree in anthropology. Neither is employed. I am retired and financially comfortable, so I am able to help them. And by help, I mean fully support them.

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I know a lot of parents would cut the cord completely and let their kids fend for themselves. I just don’t feel good about that. My kids had a rough childhood with their dad, who was an alcoholic (he killed himself in 2006). He was really hard on them. They didn’t deserve that.

When my kids ask for money or other assistance, I can’t bring myself to say no. They heard “no” too much as kids. On the flip side, I acknowledge this might mean they are becoming dependent on me. My friend tells me they are taking advantage of me and are less motivated to find work because I help them. She’s probably right, but I still can’t bring myself to say no to them. I love them very much, and I am able to help them, so what’s the harm?

I guess I am asking whether you think I’m wrong. It’s one thing to hear it from a friend; it’s another to hear it from a therapist. —Yes Ma’am

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Dear Yes Ma’am,

There is no “right” way to parent your children, even when they are grown. You, and only you, get to decide how you want to show up for them.

That said, I’m hearing a good bit of guilt behind some of your actions, and that may not be the healthiest framework for decision-making. Your kids may not have had the childhood you would have chosen for them, but that does not mean you owe them more because of it. No parent is ever able to meet all of their children’s needs—we do the best we can given our circumstances and abilities. I imagine you did the best you could with what you had available. For the record, hearing “no” as a child can sometimes be the best thing for us.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting. Equipping our children to cope with the world, to manage their lives, and to develop resiliency are better goals. It is less outcome focused and more skills focused, and helps our children develop the tools they need to be able to experience happiness—competence, purpose, and confidence they can weather any storm. That means letting them struggle while being a soft place for them to land when they fall.

Often, when I work with new parents, I ask them what they want most for their kids. Almost every time, they answer, “I just want my kids to be happy.” I subsequently disappoint them when I suggest happiness is not the primary goal of parenting.

This does not mean you should yank your support in order to force your children to be resilient. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. You may want to decide for yourself what you are willing to offer, and then have conversations with each of them as to what form that support might take. You might set a timeline and a budget that works for you—enough to help them until they get established, but not so much they can abdicate responsibility for their own lives. I’ve seen parents who decided they were willing to pay for car insurance, or half the rent, or a set amount each month. If you ask your kids what form of support would be most helpful, you can engage with them as the adults they are becoming while holding to limits that feel reasonable to you.

You may also want to talk with a therapist about any lingering feelings of guilt. There may be some emotional healing you and your kids need, but financial support has never been an adequate substitute for emotional support. It can even create barriers when the relationship becomes one of obligation and entitlement.

By setting a limit with your children, you would be letting them know you want to support and help them while also communicating you have confidence in their abilities to create their own lives.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have a close friend who comes to me with all his problems, and sometimes I don’t know how to help. Some small issues I can give advice on or help him out with. When he asks me about other, bigger things, such as work issues, relationship issues, or family issues, I often really don’t know what to do or say.

He seems to depend on my advice, and if I say “I’m sorry, I don’t know how I can help” or tell him I don’t have a lot of free time at the moment, he will often get irritated and say something like, “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.” Then I find myself trying to reassure him and find a way to help him, even though this takes time and effort I sometimes don’t have.

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He also has a tendency to fixate on things. I’ll offer advice or a suggestion, and he seems to like it, but a few days later he will bring up the issue again, almost as if I said nothing at all. This is very frustrating. If my advice isn’t working out, why doesn’t he seek out someone else’s opinion? I’m only going to tell him the same thing again.

This happens frequently. We talk most days, and it seems as if a week can’t go by without him having some new problem he needs help with. I don’t mind doing what I can to help, of course, but (1) sometimes it seems like that’s all he wants to talk to me about and (2) I think he can solve most of his problems himself, if he would just give them a little more thought.

I don’t think this is worth losing our friendship over. We have come too far for that. I’ve tried to raise the issue, but he hasn’t seemed to hear what I’m saying. And if I encourage him, saying, “I’m really not sure because I don’t have a lot of experience in that. Try looking it up online!” or something similar, he might respond with “I’m too dumb to figure this out” or make other self-defeating remarks.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and be heard? —Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

It sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your friend and he is unwilling to hear or respect them. That raises the question for me as to what you are getting out of this friendship. You say you’ve “come too far” to lose your friendship, but something in this relationship is not working for you. If your friend is not willing to hear you, or responds with what sounds like emotionally manipulative statements, it may be time to reevaluate just how important this relationship is to you and how staying in it is serving you.

Ultimately, if you choose to continue your friendship, it will be up to you to set and hold your boundaries; he is unlikely to change what he is asking of you. You mentioned that when you try to let him know you don’t have answers or it isn’t a good time, you wind up trying to reassure and help him anyhow. One way to stop having him asking for help you can’t or don’t want to give is to stop giving it. Hold firm to your boundary.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however.

If the timing is an issue, let him know you aren’t available at the moment, and provide a time that would work for you. He can respond with frustration or anger, but you do not have to give in. You can gently hold your ground and respond with caring. Let him know you are sorry he is struggling and that you will be able to help at another time. If you feel you aren’t the one to help him, that the issues are beyond you, let him know that and then stick to it. If he makes self-deprecating remarks, you do not have to respond to them. When you have given him help and he returns with the same issues again and again, it’s okay to let him know you don’t have anything to add to what you’ve already discussed.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however. Being a good friend means not letting resentment build or having frustrations get in the way of your friendship. Being a good friend also means setting limits and not expecting your friend to take full responsibility for holding them.

You will learn much about your friend and your friendship by how he responds to you when you do hold firm. It may open up a meaningful conversation about the kind of friendship you both want with each other and may even strengthen your friendship. If, however, he is unwilling to recognize your needs as legitimate or your boundaries as meaningful, if he responds to you in anger or with blame or manipulation, I would encourage you to reconsider if this relationship is serving you in a meaningful way.

As you consider all of this, you may want to get support from a counselor who can help you identify what is keeping you in this relationship; help you implement strategies to set your limits; or, if you should choose to step back from the friendship, help you grieve the loss of what has been an important relationship.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC