Most everyone has at least one traumatic memory embedded in their brains. One that still resonates for me was the time my mother left me alone when I was six years old to take the babysitter home. When I looked apprehensive, she told me not to worry. “I’ll be right back,” she said, smiling brightly, and drove off. As it got dark, I became more and more frightened that something had happened to her and she wasn’t coming back.

By the time she returned I was totally terrified. She found me standing outside wailing. She scolded me and took me inside. Years later, whenever my wife was late coming home I would become worried and anxious. My heart would begin to pound, and more than once when she was particularly late, I had a full-blown panic attack.

I know I’m not alone. Some have memories from a car accident, a rape, a natural disaster, a violent parent, a drunk husband, a hospital stay, an assault, the horrors of war. Experiences like these are more common than you might think, with an estimated 60% or more of Americans who have experienced at least one of these at some point in life. Not all of these memories cause people to experience trauma later in life, but they can cause problems for many, and for some they can be debilitating. People with posttraumatic stress (PTSD) can become hypersensitive, with nerves on a permanent state of high alert. Fear and anxiety recur without warning, and nightmares can ruin sleep.

Memories and Trauma

But now there are simple, yet effective, ways to actually erase the traumatic emotions that often accompany these memories so that they can finally be put to rest. Many people can do this work on their own. For more difficult traumatic memories, working with a therapist who specializes in healing trauma can be helpful.

[fat_widget_right]

In his book Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, neuropsychologist Rick Hanson says, “Your brain was wired in such a way when it evolved, it was primed to learn quickly from bad experiences but not so much from the good ones.” It’s why traumatic memories so often stick in our brains, while positive memories seem to slip away. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism that turned the brain into Velcro for the negative, but Teflon for the positive,” Hanson concludes.

Fortunately, new findings from the field of affective neuroscience can help people heal traumatic memories that can contribute to PTSD, depression, bipolar, and even Alzheimer’s. One of the things we are learning about memories is critically important: Though the brain is particularly good at recording bad memories, they are not permanently locked into the brain’s memory banks, as we once thought. Whenever we actively recall a memory, it transforms and becomes vulnerable to modification.

When we recall a memory it becomes a little unstable and for a window of perhaps two or three hours, it’s possible to modify it before it settles down again, or “reconsolidates,” in the brain. That’s why, paradoxically, recalling bad memories can help us heal from old wounds. Reliving traumatic moments again in a condition of safety can help a person disconnect the memory from the painful “alarm” mechanisms that are the source of so much discomfort.

In the book The Archeology of Mind: Neuroevolutionary Origins of Human Emotions, Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven say, “Emotional memories remain forever malleable, subject to influence by future events—through a phenomenon called reconsolidation.” This is the basis of various treatment approaches for healing trauma including prolonged exposure therapy, supportive psychotherapy, emotional freedom techniques (tapping), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), trauma-based cognitive behavior therapy, and MDMA-assisted psychotherapy.

How to HEAL

Based on the latest in neuroscience finds Rick Hanson offers a simple, yet effective, method for rewiring the brain from the negative emotions associated with trauma to the positive emotions associated with health and wellness. In his book, he describes a four step process using the acronym HEAL.

1. Have a positive experience.

Step 1 activates a positive mental state, and steps 2, 3, and 4 install it in your brain. In step 1 we notice a positive experience that’s already present in the foreground or background of your awareness. In the example I offered at the beginning, I tuned into an experience where I felt safe and supported, and brought to mind experiences of safety and security.

2. Enrich it.

Too often we spend minutes, and sometimes hours and days, ruminating over a negative experience, but we gloss over the positive. Here we take time to deepen the positive experience. I would open myself to the feelings of support I have in my life. I would picture and my wife and friends and the many supports I have, filling my inner conscious with at least 10 to 20 seconds of positive memory.

3. Absorb it.

Here we imagine ourselves drinking in the experience. I imagine all my cells being infused with the experience. I feel it sinking into me and becoming part of my brain and all the parts of my being.

4. Link positive and negative material.

Hanson describes this as an optional step. We don’t want to become overwhelmed by the negative, but to hold the negative in consciousness while it is infused with the positive. Hanson uses the image of a garden. We imagine the beauty of beautiful flowers we are planting. We become aware of the weeds and gently pull them out so there’s room for growth. He concludes by saying, “Whenever you want, let go of all negative material and rest only in the positive. Then, to continue uprooting the negative material, a few times over the next hour be aware of only neutral or positive things that may have been associated with the negative.

I bought back the memories of being left by my mother and some of the associated experiences of getting anxious whenever someone I cared about was late. Focusing on the negative while activating positive experiences can actually “erase” the fearful feelings from the past. I still remember my mother leaving me alone and being angry with me when she returned, but it doesn’t grab me and shake me up like it used to do and I’m much less anxious when my wife is late coming home.

I describe other techniques for healing old pain in my book, Stress Relief for Men: How to Use the Revolutionary Tools of Energy Healing to Live Well. I often use them along with the ones that Dr. Hanson teaches. In this engaging TED talk Dr. Hanson describes how we can rewire the brain for joy and happiness and heal from trauma. In another show he describes how our mind can change the brain from being Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the positive.

Even when traumatic memories don’t reach a level of discomfort associated with PTSD, they can still be destructive. Hanson notes that unresolved trauma “increases inflammation, weakens your immune system, and wears on your cardiovascular system. No one has to live with traumatic memories from the past. They can truly be healed now and forever.

We all know the feeling, but few of us want to talk about it. Shame often runs our lives and undermines our relationships, but we often keep it hidden. We’re ashamed of being ashamed. I felt it today when my wife reminded me of something I had said to her that was unkind. I pride myself on being a sensitive, caring man, and when she pointed out this shortcoming, I could feel the shame rise up in me. I felt myself getting warm. My first thought was, “I didn’t do it.” My first words were, “I never said it.” I felt confused and off balance. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to disappear.

I was awash in my shame, but I tried to cover my discomfort. Shame is such a wretched feeling, most of us try and deny we are feeling it, hoping that if we don’t look at it, shame will magically disappear. But shame is stubborn. The more we deny it, the more it sticks to us like glue.

Shame manifests physically in a wide variety of forms. “The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget,” psychotherapist Marc Miller said. Other responses may include irritability, annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration, or denial. Because the effect of shame often interferes with our ability to think clearly, we may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a blank mind.

“Man is the only animal that blushes,” Mark Twain once said. “Or needs to.” He reminds us how central shame is to the human experience.

[fat_widget_right]

When couples come to me for counseling, they rarely mention shame as a cause for their difficulty. Yet I’ve found that shame is at the root of most relationship problems. We know that couples often fight about money and sex. He gets angry when she spends money on things he thinks are not important. Underneath his anger we often find feelings of inadequacy. Beneath her spending patterns may be feelings of loneliness and unworthiness.

One partner wants more sex, and the other feels tired or withdrawn. One gets angry. The other feels hurt. Shame is rarely discussed, but is always present. One may feel like a lousy lover. The other may feel unattractive.

Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often experienced as a critical inner voice that judges us as “damaged goods,” inadequate, inferior, or worthless.

Shame in Men and Women

I’ve found the things that trigger shame differ in men and women. Women often feel shame when they are unable to do all the things they think they should do. They must be a good mother, a sexy wife, a successful breadwinner, a caring friend, a good sister, and more. The list is smaller for men. Shame usually manifests when we don’t feel strong. Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on shame, says, “While women are faced with a web of many layered, competing, and conflicting expectations, there seems to be one major expectation for men—do NOT appear weak.”
I’ve also found that men and women often react to shame differently. Women often blame themselves when they feel ashamed. They often look embarrassed. They turn inward. Men often blame others when they feel ashamed. They often look angry. They may explode outward.

In fact, male violence is often an attempt to ward off shame. Dr. James Gilligan has spent more than 30 years researching anger and violence in men. He says, “I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo this ‘loss of face.’ ” Respect is important to all of us, but for men it is essential. Feeling disrespected or “dissed” can cause a man to strike out in rage.

Self-Disclosure and Empathy

The most difficult thing in the world to do when we are feeling down on ourselves is to admit how we feel. Yet self-disclosure is what we need to do to stop the cycle of shame and blame that so many of us get caught up with. It’s harder than hell to say to my wife, “You’re right, what I said was unkind. I’m sorry.” But that’s the key to washing the shame away.
It feels counterintuitive. We’re afraid that if we admit our faults, we’ll feel even more ashamed. But the opposite is true. The more we’re able to say, “Yes, I messed up,” or, “Yes, I made a mistake,” or, “Yes, I’m sorry for what I said,” the better we feel about ourselves.

We all know the good feeling we get when we can own our mistakes and be forgiven. But that takes empathy on the part of our partner. Our partner has to be able to feel with us, not blame us or put us down. For men, it often means admitting our weakness. And for women, it means accepting that we can still be strong, adequate men, even when we are weak.

Men need also to practice empathy with the women in our lives. We have to understand the things we do that shame them, the subtle ways we may put them down. And we all need to be more empathic with ourselves. We don’t have to be successful at everything, all the time. We don’t have to be strong all the time and hide our weakness. We can learn to love and accept the wonderful, flawed, human beings we all are.

Let’s face it: Every woman on the planet knows about hormonal cycles. They’re difficult to ignore. Most men, on the other hand, are taught from the time they are born that being manly means denying anything in us that might be viewed as “feminine.” I still remember the taunts when I was a kid. “What’s the matter with you, Diamond, you throw like a girl.” Or, “Look, he’s going to cry, just like a little girl.”

It’s no wonder guys grow up convinced that we’re not “hormonal.” But is that true? Many of us know intellectually that we have hormones. We know we’ve got testosterone. Many of us have a vague idea that we also have estrogen coursing through our bloodstream—a fact we’d like to ignore. Hormonal cycles? That sounds too “fem” for many of us to even contemplate.

Midlife Hormonal Changes

I first began to recognize that there might be more going on inside me when I began doing research on andropause, or male menopause, in the early 1990s. I was seeing changes going on with midlife men at my health clinic that seemed similar to what I saw with women going through menopause. Many of the men were having “night sweats” and “hot flashes.” Others were on an emotional rollercoaster, up one minute and down the next. Some were having unexplained joint pain, and others were having problems becoming aroused or having intercourse.

[fat_widget_right]

I began interviewing midlife men and women to find out what they were experiencing. Most of the men thought the idea that they were “hormonal” was ridiculous. Most of the women had a different view. “Well, it’s about time you guys finally figured out you’re hormonal,” one woman told me. Eventually, I interviewed more than 1,000 men and women, and 30,000 filled out a questionnaire I developed. The results were published in my books, Male Menopause, in 1997, and Surviving Male Menopause: A Guide for Women and Men, in 2000.

Do Men Have Hormonal Cycles?

Although most of us now accept that women and men have “male” and “female” hormones, it is more difficult to accept that men also have hormonal cycles. According to endocrinologist Dr. Estelle Ramey, professor at Georgetown University Medical School, “The evidence of them may be less dramatic, but the monthly changes are no less real.” But if men do have hormonal cycles, why don’t they recognize or talk about them? Dr. Ramey believes it is because men respond to their cycles in a way that is a function of their “culturally acquired self-image. They deny them.” This denial is the main reason she believes the largely male scientific and medical communities have taken so long to recognize hormonal cycles in men.

Winifred Cutler is one of the world’s leading experts on hormonal cycles. She has published more than 35 scientific papers, is co-inventor on five patents, and has authored eight books, including Love Cycles: The Science of Intimacy. “Now it is known that men show a hormonal rhythm,” she says. “A rhythm I call the hormonal symphony of men.”

A cycle might last a few minutes, a day, a week, a month, a season, a year, or a lifetime. When we go to sleep, our testosterone levels rise hour by hour until, by the time we awaken, they are at their highest (morning erections, anyone?). By the early and late morning, our levels typically level off and begin to decline. By late afternoon, our testosterone is usually at its lowest ebb. No wonder it’s more difficult for me to get up for the “afternoon delight” my wife thinks is wonderful, while I’m more interested in a morning romp.

Men’s hormones cycle throughout the year. In studies conducted in the United States, France, and Australia, it was found that men secrete their highest levels of sex hormones in October and their lowest levels in April. There was a 16% increase in testosterone levels from April to October and a 22% decline from October to April. Interestingly, although Australia, for example, is in its springtime when France and the United States are in their autumn, men in all three parts of the world showed a similar pattern of peaks in October and valleys in April.

Men also have monthly hormonal cycles, though there are some interesting differences and similarities between women’s and men’s cycles. Women’s monthly cycles are more predictable and synchronous. Women who live in close proximity find that their monthly cycles begin to align. Men’s cycles seem to be more unpredictable and individual. A study of young men showed that the majority had a discernible cycle of testosterone with repeating rises and falls, but each man who did show a cycle had a cycle unique to himself.

“Testosterone levels oscillate every 15 to 20 minutes in men, and also follow daily, seasonal, and annual rhythms,” says Theresa L. Crenshaw, author of The Alchemy of Love and Lust. “The morning highs, daily fluctuations, and seasonal cycles whip men around. Think about the moment-to-moment impact of testosterone levels firing and spiking all over the place during the day and what this must be doing to a man’s temperament. Men who so strongly need to feel in control are in fact in much less control than they realize. No wonder they can be so, well, testy!”[fat_widget_right]

I suspect that we’d all be better off if we recognized that men, like women, have our own challenges dealing with our hormones. The great philosophers tell us to “know thyself.” Knowing and accepting our hormonal cycles may be the most important knowing we can have about what it means to be a man.