Remember those New Year’s resolutions you made over the holidays, the ones about changing bad habits?

How’s it going?

Getting in the habit of doing something differently can be incredibly hard, but it is possible. Here are 10 guiding principles to help make your changes successful.

1. Define what you want to do differently.

Is it quitting something? Beginning something? Be as detailed as you can. For example, you may wish to have a cleaner house. What, exactly, does a cleaner house mean? Is it keeping the counters clear and the dishes done? Does it mean mopping the floors every week? Every day? If you want to decrease the amount of alcohol you consume, what does that entail? Is it limiting yourself to two or fewer drinks a night? A week? A month? The more specific you can be the better. Clearly define your goal.

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2. Specify why you do what you do.

If you find yourself watching too much Netflix, is it because you feel tired in the evenings? Do you use it as an emotional escape when you feel depressed? If you’re trying to quit smoking, do you light up because your friends do or automatically smoke when you get in the car? Knowing why you engage in behaviors is critical to knowing how to change them.

3. Understand why you don’t want to do it anymore.

Are your kids embarrassed to have their friends over because your house is a mess? Has your drinking become a problem because your spouse has noticed or because you have a DUI? Consider how changing your bad habit will affect your life for the better.

4. Make your plan.

Break the plan into small steps. For a cleaner home, this might mean starting with one activity at a time. The first week, you’ll be sure to make your bed. The next week, you might add vacuuming three times. For drinking less, it might mean getting rid of most or all of the alcohol in your home or ceasing to drink when you’re alone. Quitting “cold turkey” works for some but not all.

5. Be patient.

Think about change in terms of a journey—a long-term process that is sometimes more direct and quicker than at other times. You might have heard it takes only 21 days to form a positive or control a negative habit. That’s not quite accurate. According to a 2010 study, it can take as few as 18 and as many as 254 days to be successful. Value patience.

Don’t view setbacks as a reason to quit. See them as part of the process. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back.

6. Anticipate setbacks.

Don’t view setbacks as a reason to quit. See them as part of the process. Sometimes it’s two steps forward, one step back. What might your setbacks be? Perhaps it’s holidays, after-work activities, or increased stress.

7. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Your brother may have stopped smoking in three days with no ill affects, but this does not mean it is possible (or healthy) for you. Each person has their own strengths, weaknesses, and ways of changing.

8. Consider what would make change easier.

For someone who wants to lose weight, not having junk food in the house may help. For someone trying to begin an exercise plan, it might help to make a verbal agreement with a friend to be accountable to each other. Another idea is to not frequent places where you engage in the behavior. Certain areas or people may be triggers.

9. Celebrate successes big and small.

Note and acknowledge changes you make along the way. Some people reward themselves at certain points. If you’ve been anticipating attending a special event or wanting to buy yourself something, this may be a good time to set an incentive.

10. Find support.

This might mean finding a therapist. It might be in the form of family, friends, or in-person or online support groups. A quick search of the web may yield online and local groups. Talk to friends and family about how it’s going and let them know if you need extra support.

Changes can be difficult but are by no means impossible. Comment below and let me know what has worked and not worked for you!

Reference:

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H., Potts, H. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40: 998-1009. doi:10.1002/ejsp.674

Dear new client: Welcome to the wonderful world of therapy! I know it can be hard to come in for your first appointment—really hard. You are here to meet me, a stranger who will hear about parts of your life that no one else hears about, and entrust I will do everything I can to help you. To make things easier, here are 10 crucial things I want you to know.

1. Honesty is the best policy.

If you’re not honest in the therapy space, you’re missing out! This is a rare opportunity to be 100% honest without the prospect of being judged. You’re paying for therapy, so lying is counterproductive. Are you using drugs? Tell me. It helps me better understand and work with you on everything from coping skills to medication use and interactions, to social skills, to behaviors that may or may not be attributed to substance use, to relationships, to even finances. Cutting? Tell me.

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2. Therapy is an investment in both the present and the future.

The skills you learn here, and the support and insight you receive, will not only help you with the situation you’re in, but will become part of the “toolbox” on your lifelong journey. You’ll gain knowledge that improves your ability to cope with stress and mood swings, helps your understanding of why and how you do things, and facilitates communication between you and others in your life including loved ones, friends, and business connections.

3. Keeping appointments and being on time is critical.

Part of therapy is consistency. If you’re late, we not only have less time together, we also have to think about the reasons you’re not arriving on time. Making therapy a priority is important. And yes, you may be charged a fee if you don’t show up or you cancel late. The time you’ve reserved is yours and yours alone. When you don’t show up, two things happen: other people needing help who would love to have your time slot are not able to, and I don’t get paid for my time. I rely on this in planning my family and work finances.

4. If you have any concerns, tell me.

I can’t fix or address what is wrong unless I know about it. I won’t get angry or offended or lose my cool. Therapy is all about the therapeutic relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. If you’re offended about something I said or how you feel treated or mistreated, give me a chance to help you understand or change things. Some things that may seem trivial, such as the fear of being overheard by others in the waiting area, can be addressed and/or explored. If you’re worried because I seem angry, let’s talk about that. My thinking face can look like a grumpy face at times. Knowing your concerns and allowing me to address them is a way to work on empowerment.

5. Nothing is off limits.

Don’t be embarrassed to bring up things, even uncomfortable ones such as sexual experiences or feelings, anger or rage, dreams or fantasies. Believe me, I’ve heard and dealt with nearly everything. I’m not easily embarrassed or fazed. You can also say something such as, “There is something I really want to bring up, but I’m embarrassed.” I’ll help you work through your feelings, and even if you don’t talk about it right away, we can work toward creating a space where you feel okay sharing it.

6. Don’t worry about me.

I have support systems in place if I need help. I seek supervision from peers or others who have more expertise in a given area than I do. Therapists don’t operate in a vacuum, nor should they. I can handle your anger, sadness, and grief. I also know my limits. This is why some therapists refer people to other therapists for some issues. If, for example, I am uncomfortable working with someone who is struggling with a terminal illness because it’s outside my expertise, I will help you find someone who can better assist you.

In the case of therapy, if I were to have an outside relationship with you, I couldn’t be a productive or helpful (or ethical) therapist. Unlike a friendship where both people support each other, my only focus when we meet is you.

7. There’s a good reason I can’t have a friendship with you.

It’s the same reason I can’t be my friend’s therapist. It’s called a dual relationship, which basically means being two things at once to someone. In the case of therapy, if I were to have an outside relationship with you, I couldn’t be a productive or helpful (or ethical) therapist. Unlike a friendship where both people support each other, my only focus when we meet is you. My years of training, supervision, and experience are all focused on helping you.

8. I’m not perfect by any means.

I run late sometimes. I may miss an email or forget to return a phone call. This doesn’t happen often, but if it does, please let me know. In the case of running late, I will make up the time either at the current session or at a later time. If it bothers you, let’s talk about it. Again, nothing is off limits.

9. What you say to me stays with me, with two exceptions.

The exceptions are if I feel you are going to kill yourself or hurt someone else, or if I suspect there is child or elder abuse or neglect. This doesn’t mean if you say you wish you were dead I’ll call the police. But if you mention a plan or I feel like you are on the edge of suicide, I have to take action to ensure the safety of you and others.

10. When you’re ready to leave therapy, that’s great!

It’s something you might be thinking of or I may bring up. Please don’t just stop coming in. Let’s talk about it. If you abruptly leave without letting me know, I am likely to be both confused and concerned for your well-being. The preferred method of ending therapy is to have at least one session where we talk about what we’ve achieved and where to go from here. Closure is important for both of us. You are always welcome back—be it in a month, a year, or five years.

Again, welcome to therapy. I’m glad you’re here. Let’s start this journey together.

One of the main reasons people seek therapy is for help with intimate and close relationships. And while couples counseling tends to be viewed as something for only relationships in crisis, there are many reasons people in relationships might pursue it. Some are small, some larger, but all are important and deserve to be explored and worked on.

Here are 10 good reasons to look into relationship counseling:

1. Communication Issues

Communication is the foundation of all relationships. Communication comes in many forms, both in person and over the phone, text, or social media. Therapy teaches couples how to communicate with each other in a positive manner that works. The type of communication a person grows up around tends to strongly affect how they communicate in their adult relationships. Counseling can help couples make a conscious choice of communication style and not just fall back on what they know from their history.

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2. Premarital Counseling

There are many issues couples face before they tie the knot. Premarital counseling is a place to discuss many things. One example is finances. Will bank accounts be shared? What about making decisions about what to purchase? Another consideration is household duties. Are children part of the picture? What role(s) will in-laws play in your life? Couples counseling can be a safe place to start the conversations that need to be addressed.

3. Sexual Issues

Sex can be something that heals and brings a couple together, or it can be a battleground fraught with anxiety, embarrassment, anger, and hurt. Counselors encounter sexual issues frequently and can help.

4. Infidelity and Unfaithfulness

Infidelity within a relationship can be the most hurtful and damaging thing a couple ever goes through, but it does not mean the relationship has to be over. Couples counseling provides a healing space to begin the journey toward resolution. It can help find practical and meaningful ways to navigate the treacherous waters of unfaithfulness.

5. Assistance Managing Other Relationships

Couples have relationships with people outside of their relationship together. Friends, extended family, children, coworkers, and supervisors/bosses/professors are just a few. These relationships can be either healthy or unhealthy. Some things that can be discussed are boundaries with members of the opposite sex or same sex, communication with exes, and together and alone time.

Nontraditional intimate relationships, such as polyamory, open, and swinging, can have problems and struggles—some of which are specific to their lifestyle and identity, some that all couples deal with.

6. Nontraditional Relationships

Nontraditional intimate relationships, such as polyamory, open relationships, and swinging, can have problems and struggles—some of which are specific to their lifestyle and identity, some that all couples deal with. It can be intimidating to seek relationship therapy for fear of not being valued or understood because of the type of intimate relationship one is in. Many relationship counselors are comfortable and have the background and understanding to work with people in nontraditional relationships and can provide an open and safe place to work on the struggles a couple is having.

7. Blended Families

When one or both partners have children from another relationship, blending has its own specific struggles and difficulties. Parenting differences, the role of the other parent, and the new identity of the family all need to be explored.

8. The End of a Relationship

When a relationship has ended, whether by mutual agreement or otherwise, managing life can be difficult. Often, individuals need to express anger, sadness, and grief. There may be practical issues to sort out as well, such as housing and children. Agreeing how and when to communicate is another example of a matter to be discussed in couples counseling.

9. Digital-Age Issues

Facebook. Twitter. Texting. Sexting. Instagram. YouTube. Snapchat. These are just a few ways technology can infiltrate and affect relationships. Communicating via social media has its own pros and cons. Couples often have conflict regarding who to “friend,” what to “like,” and who to text, block, or chat. Communicating that is not done face-to-face or even on the phone is hard. No matter how many emojis are used, words can be misconstrued and misread. Tone of voice and body language are important to understanding what is being conveyed. Relationship counseling can help couples work through problems technology has caused, and create boundaries with each other to help restore trust when social media have hurt the relationship.

10. Trust Issues

After trust is broken, relationships can be harmed or even destroyed. Part of having a solid and healthy relationship is to be able to trust one another. Learning to trust again is a slow and hard process, and it can be painful and frustrating when it doesn’t happen quickly. Counseling can educate and assist couples with understanding the process of regaining trust, and provide tools and direction to help.

All relationships are difficult in some form or another. There will be disagreement, conflict, and hurt even in the best of times. Relationship counseling can help individuals and couples grow and heal. Like all types of therapy, the lessons learned and behaviors changed will continue to serve each person for much longer than the therapy itself.

It takes work to have a solid and positive relationship. Couples counseling is worth considering for any couple and can promote mutually beneficial change for years to come.

Having a mental health issue can be very isolating. You may feel like no one understands the pain and despair you experience. Because of this, you might keep your condition to yourself, confiding in no one. This is not uncommon.

The stigma surrounding mental health doesn’t help. Many people are hesitant to open up about their struggles out of concern for being judged and thus go to great lengths to hide their conditions from coworkers, friends, even family members.

People with depression and anxiety, among other issues, often isolate because of lack of energy or because they are unsure how to get support. Being open about a mental health condition constitutes taking a risk, which can feel scary. Not everyone may be supportive, some people don’t know how to help, and some people in your life may choose to remain ignorant.

A mental health condition has nothing to do with what kind of person you are. It doesn’t mean you overreact to things, that you’re “just” feeling down, that you’re incompetent, that you’re weak, or that you’re “crazy.” Just as people who struggle with a physical health issue need and deserve support, people with a mental health issue need and deserve the same.

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Contacting a therapist is a great step in the right direction, of course, as a professional is best positioned to help you understand the factors contributing to what you’re feeling and can point you toward helpful resources. He or she can’t replicate the compassion and empathy of close friends or family members, however.

So how can you find the support you need? Here are five considerations to help you get what you need when you need it most.

1. Learn as much as you can about your condition so you can explain to others what you experience. Many people’s only source of information about mental health is what is portrayed in the media, which more often than not is inaccurate or even demeaning. But if you can describe what it’s like to live with bipolar, for example, you can inform others and help them understand how they can best support you. By educating yourself, you can educate others.
2. Identify someone you think might be a support to you. Whether a friend or family member, this should be a person you trust, who has displayed compassionate tendencies in the past. Again, not everyone will understand, want to understand, or be able to help.
3. Think about what you hope to get out of the conversation you will have with this person. Are you looking for someone to vent to (“Work was so rough today that I spent 30 minutes in the bathroom crying”), or would you like help solving a problem (“I’m so anxious that I need help getting to the grocery store”)? Be specific about what you need and why you need it: “I’m feeling really stressed right now and could really use someone to talk to,” or, “My depression is making it hard for me to get out of bed each day and take care of my house and family. Do you have any suggestions?” Practice asking for what you need.
4. Recognize that some people may be better at supporting you than others. The first person you confide in may not understand. Keep sharing until you’ve found the person or people who can support you. If someone you asked for help cannot follow through, understand that it’s not something you’re doing wrong. They may be dealing with their own struggles and simply not have enough energy or wisdom to help you with yours.
5. Don’t rely on just one person. Try to build a support network, one person at a time. This way, if one friend or your partner can’t talk right away, there are others you can reach out to.

It should not go unacknowledged that, for some people, finding support is exceedingly difficult. People whose pool of family and trusted friends is limited or nonexistent may feel like they have no one to turn to. However, there is always someone who not only will listen but wants to listen—whether it’s a therapist, a pastor or church member, or someone who volunteers for a crisis line. There is always support. The key is summoning the strength to ask for it, something everyone must do at one time or another.

Mental health conditions are very common, so keep sharing; chances are, sooner or later someone you confide in will have dealt with their own struggles. You shouldn’t have to go it alone. Each time you are open about your condition, you decrease the stigma and ignorance surrounding mental health issues. Little by little, we can change the world.

We all have emotions and moods. Some people have very even temperaments and their moods are mostly stable. Others can go from happy to anxious to depressed to euthymic quite quickly.

Everyone has mood changes throughout the day, but it can be hard to commit to memory exactly what the moods were and the circumstances surrounding them. This is why charting your moods can be an effective tool to further your psychotherapy or other course of treatment.

Here are five great benefits of mood charting:

1. It allows you to connect your feelings to what happened during the day. For example, a person may be struggling with a sudden surge of depressive feelings. When examined, it turns out that a minor conflict at work affected him or her deeply, more so than he or she consciously knew.
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2. Mood charts can help your physician, therapist, or psychiatrist give you a more accurate diagnosis. Mood and anxiety issues are partly defined by how long someone has had the condition. For major depression, a mood chart can help your doctor or therapist better understand the duration and severity of your moods, and how quickly they switch. If your mood swings dramatically over weeks or months, this could be a sign of bipolar. People tend not to remember their mood fluctuations during the day. If you make a point to record how you’re feeling throughout the day, it can help identify and guide an appropriate course of treatment or therapy.
3. Charting your mood allows you to see patterns in your life. When your mood changes, what else is going on in your life? Some women are especially sensitive to the mood changes that come before, during, or after menstruation. Other people have extreme moods that coincide with working night shifts or swing shifts. If you notice your mood on Saturday evening drops, it may be due to anxiety about heading to work on Monday.
4. It allows you to better understand your triggers. A trigger is an event that brings out a behavioral or emotional feeling. If you have had a miscarriage, you might be overwhelmed with anxiety when going to a baby shower or when you see an infant. Seeing a pregnant woman could be the trigger in this instance.
5. Keeping track of your moods can tell you a lot about the timing of your different mood states. Perhaps your chart shows that Sunday evenings are hard, and you recognize that it’s because work has been stressful lately. Some people find themselves reacting strongly to things when it’s near the anniversary of a loved one’s death, even if they don’t consciously acknowledge it.

Charting can be as simple as writing down your moods in a notebook or as high-tech as using a smartphone application to chart and graph your changing feelings. Either way, it doesn’t take long, and the benefits can be many.

If you have tracked your moods, I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

Last week, our cat died. Frodo was a stray tomcat we took in 11 years ago. We weren’t sure about his age, though we’re guessing he lived to be about 14 years old. He didn’t show any signs of illness, and while I knew he was old, I wasn’t fully prepared to get the call that he had gone to sleep and had not woken up.

Although I was very sad at his passing, I was happy that he lived a good, long life with us. I know he slipped away peacefully.

How My Daughter Took the News

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my 8-year-old daughter. She was in the car when I received the phone call telling me what had happened, and when I hung up, I told her. After she had expressed sadness, she began asking when we could get another cat. I had to tell her several times that this was something I couldn’t talk about now because I was really sad.

[fat_widget_right]We had been talking for months that sooner or later one of our many animals was going to pass away. I wanted to prepare her. I think I also wanted to prepare myself for her reaction.

When she was two years old, my daughter drew a face on a balloon. When she accidentally let go of it, she sobbed herself to sleep. I expected her reaction to losing a cat would be greater than that. It wasn’t.

A Child’s Grief

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved.When it was time, my daughter created an elaborate funeral procession and burial for Frodo. She took comfort in making sure his grave was decorated with flowers, and she shed a few tears throughout the process. And that was okay.

Just like every adult grieves differently for each death, each child grieves differently for each loss. The way a child mourns a beloved pet at the age of four may change dramatically when he or she reaches the age of ten.

As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable talking about loss. You may get uncomfortable with how your child is behaving. Some kids want to immediately replace the pet, and others refuse to consider it. One child may not cry at all in front of you but will cry silently at night. Another child will talk about their pet endlessly and cry constantly for days.

As a parent, there are things you can do to help your child manage their sadness when their pet dies:

• Allow them to grieve in their own way, even if it’s not how you grieve. They may want to do an elaborate funeral or they may not want to do anything to remember their pet. Give them the freedom to mourn in a way that feels right for them.
• Expect delayed grief. Some children, especially younger ones, don’t fully understand what death means. The finality of it can be hard to comprehend and accept. They may seem calm until something triggers a memory.
• Give yourself space to grieve the loss. It’s absolutely OK to give yourself privacy and time to mourn.
• Talk about the pet you lost. Talk about the wonderful memories you have. Express your own sadness to your child and ask how they feel about it.
• Listen to them. Listen to them talk about the pet who died, about what they miss, or about wanting another pet to replace the one that passed away.
• Be careful with the words you use with young children. Telling your son that you “put Fido to sleep so he’s not hurting anymore” can cause fear or confusion. Do your best to explain the decision to euthanize a pet that is in great pain.
• Expect uncomfortable questions. When we thought we might have to euthanize one of our pets, my daughter asked if we do that to people. Children may question what happens to their pet when they die, or if they’ll ever see them again.

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved. Above all, let them know that the intense sadness they feel now won’t last forever.

These days, it seems like depression is all over the news. It usually gets publicity when a high-profile tragedy occurs. You don’t hear people talking about how great they feel now that their depression is being effectively treated. A lot of inaccuracies and half-truths get thrown around, and it can be tough to dig through them and find the facts.

Here are 10 particularly troubling myths and misconceptions about depression. I’d love to hear what you would add to the list!

1. It’s Something You Should Be Ashamed Of

The shame people often experience with depression (or any other mental health issue) is real, but this doesn’t mean embarrassment is warranted. In the United States and its territories, as many as 9% of the population currently meets the criteria for depression. Hundreds of celebrities, athletes, and political figures are known to have struggled with depression. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Depression doesn’t mean you’re lazy or pouting or ungrateful.

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2. If You Have Depression, You Will Always Feel Depressed

Depression comes in all shapes and sizes. For many people, their depression changes throughout their lives. Medication, life events, hormonal changes such as pregnancy or menopause, illness, or stresses can change depression. Some people find that psychotherapy relieves their symptoms, others seek out medication or homeopathies, and some make behavioral changes, such as exercise.

3. Depression Is Always Hereditary

Studies have shown that between 40% and 50% of depression is rooted in genetics. So if your parent or sibling has depression, it’s not a guarantee that you will develop it. There are also things you can do that might minimize your risk of developing depression. These include maintaining a strong support network, staying active, having a healthy diet, and learning positive coping skills such as meditation and deep breathing.

4. If Something Horrible Didn’t Happen, You Should Not Be Depressed

This is simply not true. Many people have a trigger in their lives, a trauma they can pinpoint as a starting point for their depression, such as the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job. Sometimes a passing challenge, such as failing a test or moving, can bring on a major depressive episode. Or the depression can appear with no known trigger at all.

5. Depression Is Simply a Feeling

Depression is not having “the blues” or feeling sad. The DSM-5 (a handbook used by mental health professionals to determine what constitutes a diagnosable issue) includes a list of symptoms. People who are clinically depressed have a cluster of these symptoms, such as thoughts of suicide or death, insomnia or hypersomnia, significant weight loss, and depressed mood most of the day nearly every day.

6. Medication Is a Sure Cure for Depression

Unfortunately, there is no magic pill that can obliterate depression. Depression is a complicated beast that can be incredibly hard to treat. Medication can be helpful at managing depression for some people. Others find that medication doesn’t help or, due to side effects, can even make things worse. It can take trying several different medications or combinations of treatments until you feel better.

7. Therapy Is a Sure Cure for Depression

Psychotherapy certainly can help people who struggle with depression. It’s been shown to decrease many symptoms and help people manage their moods. Like medication, though, therapy is not a cure in and of itself. Many people respond to therapy, but some don’t. A combination of therapy and medication tends to yield the best results, and many people incorporate both in their healing.

People with depression aren’t always depressed. Like everyone else, they have their good days and bad days.

8. If You’re Depressed, You Can’t Be Happy

People with depression aren’t always depressed. Like everyone else, they have their good days and bad days. When their depression is being effectively treated, the good days outnumber the bad. You cannot look at people’s Facebook pages with pictures of them laughing and enjoying life and conclude they’re not depressed. Many people are good at hiding their feelings and present to the world a persona that is much different from what they are experiencing.

9. Depression Shouldn’t Be Talked About

Millions of people throughout the world will experience depression sometime in their lives. You’re far from alone, and it doesn’t have to be something you keep secret. I’ve worked with people in therapy who, upon sharing their experience with friends and family, expressed surprise at how many of them also have struggled with depression.

10. If You Have Depression, You Will Never Have a Fulfilled, Productive Life

Depression is not a life sentence to misery. Depression is a treatable condition, and people who are diagnosed with it can go on to have wonderful, happy lives. The key is getting the correct treatment. If something you try isn’t working, keep searching. Find a psychiatrist or doctor who will patiently work with you to find the best medication, if you go that route. Find a skilled therapist who specializes in depression and whom you trust and feel a connection with.

Depression does not have to hold you hostage. The more people are honest about their struggles, the more accepting and understanding society will be—and the better off we all will be.

References:

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2010). Current Depression Among Adults – United States, 2006 and 2008. MMWR 2010, Vol. 59 No. 38.
2. Levinston, Douglas F., & Nichols, Walter E. (2015). Major Depression and Genetics. Stanford School of Medicine, Genetics of Brain Function. Retrieved from http://depressiongenetics.stanford.edu/mddandgenes.html

Parenting is difficult enough when you feel fantastic, but when you’re struggling with depression, it can seem downright impossible.

It need not be so, though. Experiencing depression doesn’t mean you can’t be an incredible, loving, smart, and effective parent. In fact, in some ways it can make you a better parent. Because of your depression, you may be extra sensitive to your children’s moods and needs. This can be a great thing!

If you’re a parent with depression, here are 10 things worth considering:

1. Sometimes “good enough” is perfectly fine. You can’t always give 100%. Some days will be harder than others. You don’t have to be a super-parent every hour of every day.
2. Find your tribe. Seek out a group of people who are aware of your condition and can help you through it. This can be an online group, but an in-person group is even better. These are the people you can call when the baby is inconsolable and you’re angry. This is the group that can remind you that your feelings are normal or tell you that you may be overreacting.
3. [fat_widget_right]Find a psychiatrist. If you’re pregnant or nursing, you need an expert who understands how antidepressants may be transmitted and how they could affect your child. Don’t go off your medication without talking to a physician. Some antidepressants are safer than others.
4. Beware of postpartum depression. Educate yourself on the difference between the baby blues and full-blown postpartum depression or psychosis. If you see signs of postpartum depression or psychosis, contact your doctor immediately. If you have thoughts about hurting your child, go to the nearest emergency room.
5. Forgive yourself and your children. Everyone makes mistakes. Be gentle with yourself and the people around you. Depression often masks as agitation, irritability, or anger.
6. You are not your condition. Your depression isn’t the only thing about you. It isn’t even the most important thing. You are a parent and may be any number of other things: a partner, a lover, a friend, an employee, a teammate, etc.
7. Don’t hesitate to reach out. Ask for help from your spouse or partner, friends, an extended family member, someone from your church or congregation, a family doctor, or a mental health professional. You may need a few minutes to talk, a medication change, or someone to take your kids for a few hours so you can seek out a therapist.
8. Lighten things up. Take a break from the news, which tends to focus on heavy and upsetting things. Listen to, read, and watch things that make you feel good, are funny, and don’t stress you out.
9. Live fearlessly. Don’t let depression stop you from doing things or meeting people. That can be easier said than done, but get out there, live large, and experience life with your children.
10. Let your children in. Depending on their ages, you may want to tell your children different things about your condition. The very youngest of children don’t need to be told anything. Around the age of 4, your mood or visits to your therapist may be noticed. You might explain that mommy or daddy sometimes gets really sad and needs help. You can relate it to when your child gets sad and you hold or comfort him or her. Older children may experience your low moods and take them personally. Here, you can use the word depression. Make sure your child knows it’s not his or her fault, and that you are taking care of yourself. If you have a hospitalization, you may choose to tell your child why you’re gone and how it will help. When your children are in their teens, use your depression as a way of explaining the condition and what to watch for. Encourage them to be open if they feel depressed or hopeless. Let them know that if they want a counselor, you will find them one.

No one expects you (or anyone else) to be perfect or “on” continually. Remember, millions of people around the world are experiencing, or have experienced, depression. You’re not alone.