Parents searching for a safe place for their transgender, gender nonconforming, or nonbinary child usually have a lot of questions. One of the first things parents who reach out to me ask is, “What is gender dysphoria?” This is usually followed by, “How is it affecting my child?”

Understanding gender dysphoria is an important part of the journey to support trans youth. But many parents may not be sure what this concept means. Put simply, gender dysphoria is an internal conflict between the sex a person was assigned at birth and the gender they identify with. It is often described as a feeling of discomfort with the body a person lives in and their deeper sense of gender. This conflict can be seen in many ways. Body dysphoria, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-harming behaviors are a few, but there are others. All of these symptoms can be seen as attempts to manage the deregulation that can occur when a person’s body does not represent their gender.

Gender dysphoria may be first felt in puberty, when physical changes of development begin. Children can experience discomfort before puberty, but these feelings usually become stronger as differences between the physical body and internal sense of gender increase. Imagine knowing you are male, having a masculine sense of self—in a body that begins to develop breasts. This disconnect can cause extreme anguish and anger in adolescents. Many also say they feel trapped. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

How Does Dysphoria Manifest?

This internal conflict is different for each person, but it is often seen as depression or anxiety. Looking in the mirror and seeing a body that does not express your internal sense of self can cause pain, unsettled feelings, and disconnect. Psychological pain may show up in a child’s behavior. Many adolescents refuse to attend school and withdraw from social interactions. Your child may drop activities that require physical contact, like sports, and avoid situations where they would need to expose their body, like pool parties.

At its most intense, body dysphoria in teens can lead to suicidal thoughts and attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors and disordered eating. These actions often result from the need to control a body that feels completely out of control and to ease the pain of an internal disconnect. These symptoms are signs that a higher level of care is needed. A therapist trained to offer support to transgender, gender nonconforming, and nonbinary adolescents may be the best person to provide this care.

Help for Gender Dysphoria

A therapist who is well-versed in working with trans youth is vital for creating a safe space for kids and families to address the challenges of gender dysphoria. The goal in therapy is not to change how a person feels or expresses their gender. Rather, it is for children and their parents to explore tools and methods of support for the feelings that surround the distress of not being able to physically express their true self.

It is important for families to develop a dynamic that is informed, supportive, and curious about their child’s journey as they explore their gender. This dynamic can create a space where different expressions of gender can be safely explored. This exploration may help relieve distress that occurs with dysphoria.

It is important for families to develop a dynamic that is informed, supportive, and curious about their child’s journey as they explore their gender.

Some of the first ways this exploration may take place is with social expression. Through social expression, a child or teen can develop their sense of self and affirm their gender identity. Your child may try out different styles of clothing and new hairstyles and ask you to refer to them by pronouns that fit their gender. They may choose a new name or try out several new names before they determine the one that fits best. These expressions can be seen as the first step in aligning themselves with their internal sense of being male, female, some of both, or neither. By supporting your child’s expressions and identity, you can help ease their distress and help them find a deeper and clearer sense of self.

The next step may be medical transition. Medical treatments that help align physical characteristics with gender include:

• Puberty blockers. These help prevent the developmental changes of puberty. They can help reduce distressing changes in trans children who have not yet decided on hormone therapy.
• Hormone therapy. Hormones cause physical changes that support internal gender identity.
• Gender confirmation surgery. Some trans people may pursue surgery to completely match their physical body to their gender, but others may choose certain types of surgery only.

It is important to understand that not all people who identify as transgender, gender nonconforming, or nonbinary are interested in pursuing complete medical transition. They may choose some aspects and reject others. For example, your teen may be interested in hormone therapy but not feel ready for gender confirmation surgery. This personal choice is a part of each person’s transition.

You can help your child by encouraging open discussion and taking their feelings and wishes into account. Ask what your child thinks about medical transition. Do your own research so you can have informed discussions with your child. Careful research can help you help your child make decisions based on accurate information and informed consent.

Exploring these topics can bring up strong emotional reactions. But it is important for both you and your child that you are able to support them during their transition and talk through their options from an informed, caring position instead of a fearful, reactive one. [amazon_affiliate]

Some families may need more help and support to explore these feelings and assist a child who is dealing with the painful reality of gender dysphoria. If you are struggling to find the best way to offer support to your child, you may find it helpful to talk through your feelings with your own therapist or counselor.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
2. Rood, B. A., Reisner, S. L., Surace, F. I., Puckett, J. A., Maroney, M. R., & Pantalone, D. W. (2016). Expecting rejection: Understanding the minority stress experiences of transgender and gender nonconforming individuals. Transgender Health, 1(1), 151–164. doi: 10.1089/trgh.2016.0012
3. Sherer, I., Baum, J., Ehrensaft, D., & Rosenthal, S. M. (2015, January 1). Affirming gender: Caring for gender-atypical children and adolescents. Contemporary Pediatrics. Retrieved from http://contemporarypediatrics.modernmedicine.com/contemporary-pediatrics/news/affirming-gender-caring-gender-atypical-children-and-adolescents?page=full
4. Steensma, T. D., McGuire, J. K., Kreukels, B. P., Beekman, A. J., & Cohen-Kettenis, P.T. (2013). Factors associated with desistence and persistence of childhood gender dysphoria: A quantitative follow-up study. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 52(6), 582-90.

When a couple breaks up, it is often inevitable that one or both of the parties involved consider the idea of getting back together. After a breakup, it’s often easier for us to look back on the failed relationship with nostalgia, remembering the good times we had and dismissing the challenges that led us to break up in the first place. Some couples might often try a brief reconciliation, but this often does not work out and they break up again.

While there might be some attraction to the idea of getting back together, and while it might work for some couples, for many people a reunion is simply going to lead to a repeat of the same issues that contributed toward the breakup—unless each individual has done extensive work to develop new relationship and interpersonal skills or address other challenges that made the separation necessary. If this personal work has not taken place, the odds are not in favor of a couple being able to reunite and build a healthy and powerful relationship together.

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Therefore, as much as you might miss your ex, and as tempting as it may be to try and get back together with that person, it may be best to tread carefully when heading down this path. It is generally a good idea to examine the motives behind rekindling the relationship and make certain that, if you truly do want to get back together, it is for the right reasons.

Below are some common “wrong” reasons people get back together with an ex, followed by warning signs that attempting to rebuild your relationship may not be the best idea for you right now. It may be helpful to consider these carefully before deciding whether or not to rekindle a romance with an ex-partner.

Breaking up and getting back together has become a pattern.

Some couples develop an unhealthy pattern of getting incredibly close, becoming overwhelmed by this intimacy, and then sabotaging the relationship in order to ease up and obtain needed space. The partners may find the intensity of their togetherness is becoming suffocating or that they are losing themselves in the relationship and withdraw emotionally, cheat, or create other conflict to break up the relationship and take some time to heal. Then, drawn by the intimacy, they rush back into the relationship and repeat this cycle over and over.

In relationships like this, one or both of the partners often feel emotionally abused, and this can indicate it may be time to permanently end the relationship and seek professional help from a therapist to better understand the attraction to this pattern.

You’re getting back together for the sex. 

It is common to feel isolated and emotionally fragile after a breakup. The connection gained from sexual intimacy can be a powerful panacea to this empty feeling, and the person it may feel most comfortable to have sex with is the person you just broke up with. However, this type of reconnection can reduce the value of intimacy and emotional connection. Though it may feel good in the moment, it does not address the core issues faced before the breakup. If you are mainly attempting to rekindle a relationship because of sex, consider this fact a warning sign and pause the process.

You miss the good times. 

Nostalgia can color our view of the past, and we may be particularly blinded by our rose-colored glasses when pining over an ex. Don’t forget there was a reason (or more than one reason) you ended the relationship. It’s important not to disregard those reasons. Whether you struggled to communicate effectively, had different intimacy needs, or found yourself bored with the relationship, it was a serious enough concern to lead one or both of you to choose to end things.

Don’t let your longing for the happy moments you shared overpower the pain of the difficulties you faced. Take time to evaluate the true reasons for breaking up, keeping in mind that, unless you and your ex are able to establish a new style of relating (which may be possible, especially with the help of a relationship counselor), things probably won’t be much different if you try to get back together.

You are afraid of being alone. 

Many of us agree that being alone is scary, or at the very least, less than ideal. One of the perks of being in a relationship, even if it is not always a healthy one, is companionship. There is always someone there to fend off the rest of the world and help prevent feelings of loneliness. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. People may prefer to remain in an unhealthy relationship or attempt to rebuild a challenged relationship when they look into the future and envision themselves alone and unsupported. The fear of going it alone is one of the biggest temptations for getting back together with an ex, but it is important to recognize that this fear can interfere with the ability to make the best decision for you. It might be scary to think of going it alone, and you may fear being single for the rest of your life, but understand that being single but content in other aspects of life may be more fulfilling than continuing forward with a partner who is toxic, draining, or otherwise harmful to your well-being.

Before You ‘Text Your Ex’, Have You:

Taken ownership for your part in the breakup? 

In many cases, the reasons for a breakup cannot be attributed solely to one party, and it’s important for all parties involved to acknowledge how they contributed to the downfall of the relationship. Apologies can go a long way toward reconnection. When they are not forthcoming, this may indicate a lack of awareness of the core issues that negatively impacted the relationship. Reconciliation is not likely to be possible without each partner acknowledging any problems that existed within the relationship and their responsibility for those problems.

Considered the opinions of those close to you? 

After a relationship ends, friends and family of those involved are most likely going to offer their opinions on the breakup. While (1) these are only opinions, and (2) the only person who can determine what’s best for you is you, it is often the case that friends and family have input that may be worthy of consideration before you make a decision to get back together with your ex. It might be difficult to listen to what they have to say, but if your friends and close family members are adamant about your breakup being a good idea, consider the possibility that they they noticed things about the relationship that concerned them. Close friends and family are often able to identify blind spots and toxic characteristics you may have overlooked. Listening without judgment can be a valuable method of gathering new insight on the relationship, but your ultimate decision should still be your own. If the voices of friends and family are too overwhelming, consider seeking the help of a relationship counselor or other mental health professional as you sort through and consider their suggestions or observations.

When considering reconciliation with an ex, take into account some of these warning signs and use them to explore your motivation for getting back together. It’s never a bad idea to get professional help after a breakup, especially when you feel confused or uncertain. An ethical therapist won’t give you advice, but they can offer compassionate support and help you explore your feelings toward your ex, the relationship itself, and possibilities for the future.

Breakups are often difficult, and most of us dread them. Navigating through a breakup can be challenging in a number of ways, especially when it is particularly long, drawn-out, or otherwise rough. We might feel as if the pain will never diminish, but in time, it generally does.

No matter how agonizing they may be, breakups are still a natural part of the dating experience, and most of us who date have experienced at least one breakup. We might carry memories and even healed wounds from past relationships that had a significant impact on us, but in most cases, we—as resilient human beings—tend to go through a breakup, heal (in time), and then go on. Eventually we may develop a new, more powerful relationship(s).

When handled well, breakups can help us grow and develop as individuals. We can take what we learned from our last dating experience—an aspect of our nature, a new boundary or limit we’ve realized is essential, or something else—and apply it to future relationships.

Of course, during or immediately following a breakup, we are generally more likely to be weathering a storm of our own emotions rather than considering opportunities for learning and growth. The following five steps may be helpful in the process of coming to terms with the end of a relationship:

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1. Take a break.

After ending a relationship, especially a significant one, you might feel as if your emotional equilibrium has been disrupted, and dating a new person may seem like a good way to soothe this upset. However, you may not yet have fully processed all of your feelings for your last partner, even if you accepted, or even welcomed, the end of the relationship, and this can have a negative impact on your experience as you begin to date again.

Realize you may be at a deficit and consider giving yourself some time to heal before looking for a new love. It’s important to both your mental and emotional health to fully grieve your old relationship and heal from that experience before moving forward.

2. Sort it out.

Let’s face it. After you have spent some time single, you are likely to wax nostalgic over the relationship that just ended. You may view aspects of the relationship, or your ex-partner, through rose-colored glasses, seeing only the peaceful or happy moments, forgetting the turmoil eventually leading you to break up. This is a time when you need to be proactive and brutally honest with yourself.

Take a moment to remind yourself—speaking openly and frankly—about the problems in the relationship and why they made it necessary to move on. You could also (or in addition) begin keeping a journal where you can process your feelings and openly access your experience. Being able to review your own evaluation of the causes of the breakup can help you develop a deeper understanding of why the relationship didn’t work and help you become better able to avoid similar pitfalls when the next amazing person walks into your life.

3. Take care of you.

In the early stages, you may feel unmotivated to even get out of bed, let alone take care of your daily routine. Though it’s certainly reasonable to take a few days to sleep in, avoid the outside world, and “wallow,” it can be easy to fall into a prolonged state of misery. To avoid this, and to keep from feeling down on yourself, commit to making self-care your first priority. Challenge yourself to get up in the morning. Take your time getting ready, and make your morning routine an indulgent one.

Breakups take an emotional toll, but the effects can also be felt physically. Make time for physical activity, if you are able to be active. Even if you don’t feel up to more than a long, leisurely walk, simple movement can improve your mood and have a positive impact on your body and mind.

4. Date yourself.

It might take some time before you feel ready to venture out as a newly single person (though you might also feel ready to do so right away), but the period following a breakup can be a great time to explore your surroundings on your own. The newspaper, advertisements or fliers in locally owned businesses, Facebook’s “Events” section, and apps such as Meetup are all great ways to find local events and excursions.

Participating in hobbies and activities you already know you enjoy and are comfortable with might be what feels right for you at the moment, but consider challenging yourself to try something new. You might discover your interests have changed or develop new areas of interests you weren’t even aware of. Try planning ahead, perhaps by marking an event or two each month on your calendar, so you have something to look forward to. Following through with these adventures you’ve scheduled with yourself can help you see how it is possible to create your own joy.

5. Find support.

Some breakups are easy, even amicable, and end with no hard feelings and little pain. The time may have been right; all involved may have been ready to move on. But other breakups can be downright miserable, and sometimes the feelings that arise can be almost too much to bear. When this is the case, reaching out to friends and family can be vital to the healing process.

Friends and family, when allowed to share our pain, can wrap us in love and make the healing journey more manageable. Let your loved ones be there for you. Allow them to protect you, offer support, reminisce, get angry on your behalf, and make you laugh.

Don’t be afraid to seek out professional help for overwhelming pain, grief, or other emotions. Many therapists and counselors specialize in relationship issues, including breakups, and can offer assistance in the recovery process and beyond, as you begin to move forward.

Breakups can be devastating. Practicing self-care, developing strategies to manage emotional overwhelm, and seeking support as needed can help us, in their aftermath, to develop both a clearer vision of the self and a newfound ability to face the world with wisdom and peace.

Let’s all be real for a moment and face the fact there is often a lot of pressure from friends, family, coworkers, and others for a gay person to be in a relationship, especially now that marriage equality laws are on the books. In the LGBT community, as in other communities, finding the “perfect partner” is considered by many to be the holy grail. It’s not an especially fair or reasonable expectation, however, and some people who prefer the single life are left feeling compelled to defend their choice.

What’s to defend, really? Pressure and Hollywood fantasies aside, maybe, just maybe, it’s OK to be single. Being on your own doesn’t have to be a shameful or isolating story; instead, it can be a celebration of your growth and development as an individual.

Without further ado, here are five reasons why it’s good to be single and gay:

1. You have the opportunity to get to know yourself better.

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As a single person, the opportunity to explore who you are and how you want to be in your world is an amazing luxury. There is no need to morph yourself to a partner’s ideal, and you have room to discover who you are, what you want, and what you need. As Oscar Wilde said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Being single offers time not only for introspection that allows you to explore aspects of yourself needing attention, but to actively pursue those things as well.

2. You are fully responsible for the big decisions in your life.

Change jobs, travel the world, or buy a new car, if you like. Guess what? The only person on the line for these decisions is you. This single-minded energy can be incredibly invigorating and empowering. When you make a life-changing decision on your own, it is a chance to build personal power and take responsibility for creating the life you want. And if the choice falls through or proves untenable? You still get to take ownership, learn, and grow from the experience.

3. You can spend more time with friends.

As a single person, friends are likely the most important part of your support network, right up there with family. Unlike family, whom you did not choose, your friends are the people you purposefully drew into your life to grow with, learn from, and have fun with. Cherish those relationships and nurture them so they flourish regardless of whether you stay single long-term. Let your friends remind you how much fun they are—and how much fun you are. Lean on them when you need to.

4. You can prioritize self-care without a hint of guilt.

As a single person, you likely have more time and energy to devote to taking better care of yourself. Whether it’s going to the gym, joining an activity group, attending yoga classes, or simply reading more for pleasure or taking long baths, the only well-being you have to manage is your own. Enjoy the extra “you” time—something many people in relationships envy—and use it to elevate your mood, reduce your stress, or develop rewarding new skills and hobbies.

5. You may become more resilient and confident.

Sometimes life gets tough and we start to doubt our choices and ourselves. As a single person, this energy can feel overwhelming and perhaps lead to lack of self-confidence. At the same time, you and only you are making the tough choices that must be made to survive tough times. When you face difficult choices head-on and get through them, unscathed or otherwise, you build resilience and confidence that you’re strong enough to face most anything.

All of the above, and plenty more that didn’t make the list, are reasons it’s not only good but exciting and invigorating to be single and gay. So when you feel the pressure from the world around you to find a partner and “settle down,” honor your inner voice and remember that the grass is pretty green on your side of the fence, too. Plus, you have it all to yourself.

Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

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Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.

As a therapist who specializes in working with LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer) teens and their families during the coming-out process, I am often witness to the reactions parents have to a teen revealing his or her sexual identity. These reactions range from “We suspected for quite a while” to “We had no idea!”

As I work with these families, the expectation is that therapy needs to focus on the issues surrounding the teen coming out. While this support for the LGBTQ teen is vital, in my experience, parents may need just as much support. Parents are often in territory that is new to them and they may not have developed the language to speak effectively and sensitively with their teen, or the awareness to sort through their own changing perspectives.

One of the most basic things that I have parents focus on is that the child they have lived with and known for years is still the same person. One of the most supportive things any parent can offer at the moment of coming out is simply a hug and reassurance that there is still a relationship based on love. Remember that when a teen comes out to his or her family, he or she has probably been thinking about and building anxiety around how that coming-out experience will play out and be received. Simply connecting with the teen will help to relieve some of the anxiety and reassure the teen that there is still space for him or her in the family story.

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It is also important at the beginning to simply listen and support. Even with parents who suspect that a teen may be gay, it is important that they take time to process some of their own feelings before opening up a litany of questions and concerns. When parents are caught completely off guard when a teen comes out, it is vital to offer loving support to the teen and at the same time recognize that there are questions and concerns that there may not be answers to immediately. Parents may need time to adjust to this new information and to process it.

As parents begin the process of unraveling their feelings about their teen’s sexual orientation, it is also a good time to gather information and learn more about what it means to be a member of the LGBTQ community beyond stereotypes and popular conceptions. Parents can join organizations such as PFLAG and gather the latest info regarding LGBTQ teens on the GLSEN website. As parents become more educated, they can release some of their fears and build a foundation for conversation with their teen.

As the process continues, another question that may arise is, “Who gets to know?” The coming-out process is just that, a process, and how the information is disseminated is worth discussing. Often, a teen will come out to one parent first and then ask for that information to be held in confidence for a time. There is no need to force the conversation, and it can help the process a lot if the teen feels like he or she is in charge of who gets to know. It is also common for a sibling, friend, relative, or teacher to know first, so I encourage parents to be OK with the fact they may not be the first to know.

Finally, don’t forget that while it should be a priority to be open and available to converse with your teen about his or her sexual identity, it is not all that he/she is. He or she is still facing all of the same battles and angst that other teens go through as they develop their identity. Be sure to support LGBTQ teens in all their efforts in life, including school, hobbies, sports, friendships, and spirituality. Though it may seem like the coming-out story is the most important thing on the list at the moment, teens are complex, vital, intriguing, and amazing people who are open to guidance, acceptance, and love in all forms and areas.

For anyone facing the demon of substance abuse, one of the most difficult challenges is understanding how their addiction is affecting the people around them, including family and friends. In a haze of drugs and alcohol, it is virtually impossible to understand the impact that substance use and addiction have on the people who are closest. This dynamic is especially prevalent when parents are the substance abusers and they are unable to conceptualize how their use is impairing the growth and development of their children.

When a parent drinks too much or is under the influence of a substance, legal or illegal, many kids are likely to find themselves overwhelmed and unable to deal with their emotional reality. Children may deal with feelings of anger, embarrassment, frustration, fear, and myriad other emotions that they may not know how to express.

If there is substance abuse occurring in the home, often the family will try to manage the fallout internally, leaving kids with the feeling they have to protect a family secret. Sometimes, addiction may be influencing one or both parents in a household, but no one in the family unit is willing or able to address the issue. Even a suggestion that there may be problems with addiction can bring anger and backlash from a parent who is not ready to face his or her own substance issues.

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Substance use can also make home a dangerous place for kids. The addicted parent may not be able to maintain work or a steady income, rendering home life unstable. The potential for abuse also rises in households where one or more parents are under the influence. This lack of stability may adversely affect the emotional development of children, leaving them lost, lonely, and stressed.

The long-term effects of these experiences will influence kids in many aspects of their daily lives. Kids of addicted parents often take on responsibility for the household and become what is commonly called the “parentified” child. Such kids are forced into adult roles and responsibilities that are not being managed by the parents. They may become perfectionists in an effort to manage the emotional instability in the home.

These same kids often carry low self-esteem and face challenges when trying to create intimate relationships outside the home. They often have limited emotional awareness and may be conflict avoidant as a means of maintaining a steady emotional state. Holding the secrets of the addicted parent(s) makes it hard for them to build open, honest relationships, which in turn makes it challenging to develop close connections.

All of these are reasons to find help for kids in families with addiction issues. If one parent, family friend, or relative can step in and recognize the issues occurring in the household, there is a window of opportunity to get professional assistance.

It is vital for kids of alcohol- or drug-addicted parents to realize that they are not alone and that there are other people in their community facing the same challenges. It is also important, with the assistance of a professional counselor or support group, for kids to understand that they are not responsible for the addiction issues that their parents are going through. Having a place to share their story and make sense of the emotional turmoil in their home may help kids of addicted parents to process their feelings and begin to develop a stronger sense of self.

The development of self-esteem, independent of a parent’s addiction issues, can help children to regulate their emotional life and adapt to family needs. By providing a place of safety and understanding for kids of addicted parents, we can help children learn healthy coping skills and understand how addiction can affect any home, not just theirs.

You are single, feeling good about yourself, looking your best, and decide to go out for a night on the town. In the back of your mind, there is a small nugget of hope that perhaps tonight you will finally meet the person of your dreams and begin the relationship you have been fantasizing about.

As you arrive at the party, bar, or dance club, you settle in to the festive atmosphere and begin to enjoy yourself when you spot that potential mate across the room. Their physical appearance fulfills all your requirements and they appear to be witty, vivacious, and fun as you observe them interacting with their friends.

Suddenly, you find yourself unable to move, your feet stuck to the ground, and all of your desire to connect stymied by a sudden loss of will and resolution. As much as you may wish to follow through and walk the 20 feet across the floor, you find yourself unable to gather up the courage to make what now feels like a million-mile march.

This sudden shift is driven by a common fear among people both LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) and straight: the fear of rejection. Rejection is a concern that many people carry in the dating world, as it can influence one’s ability to make a connection to someone who could potentially be a great friend, a fun fling, or even a partner.

The fear of rejection is often rooted in the misguided belief that we are not good enough for a person. We fear giving that person the power to make us feel foolish or less than in comparison to them. We build a construct around the person we are hoping to meet that makes them better than us, even though this is often not the truth.

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Here is the kicker to the fear of rejection: It is very possible that someone at that same party, bar, or club finds you to be the object of their attraction and is fearful of approaching you because they imagine you will reject them. It might even be that person you were attracted to, the one standing 20 feet away.

This ultimately leads to a room full of people, many attracted to others, and yet all equally fearful to step across the room and introduce themselves. Thus, the room is frozen in a static energy of missed connections.

There is a powerful means to counteract the fear of rejection—and that is by recognizing that almost everyone is being influenced by it. With this knowledge, you can choose to empower yourself and be the person who breaks the shackles of the rejection construct and risks crossing the room to say hello.

By taking this risk, you reveal yourself as someone who is not constrained by social encumbrance, someone who will take the time and energy to reach out for connection. This presentation of self-assurance and risk taking can be quite sexy to the person you are approaching. Confidence is a proven aphrodisiac.

It also helps to make the approach with a deep sense of curiosity about the person rather than being overwhelmed by your preconceived ideas of who this person is based on how they represent themselves in the moment. They may be projecting a little bit of attitude that is founded in their fear of rejection protecting them from harm. If you assume everyone is holding a tiny bit of fear of rejection, it can help you to be kind and gentle in your approach.

As you begin to release your fear of rejection, you will notice that other people begin to find you more approachable, and the potential for deeper connections will begin to blossom.

Most teenagers naturally reach a point where the bounds of sexuality are explored and roles and sexual identity are created. For LGBT teens this natural part of growing up can often be confusing and overwhelming, resulting in a variety of responses. Some individuals experience such intense negative emotions about their sexual feelings that they repress and push those feelings as far away as possible and choose to ignore their sexuality.

By hiding deep in the closet, these teens are setting themselves up for an uphill battle as they get older and inevitably arrive at a point in their adult lives when the reality of their feelings can no longer be ignored. In other cases, this aspect of an individual’s personality does not surface until later in life at which time they may uncover feelings of same sex attraction, for example.

However they arrive there, the challenge of coming out in adulthood is a unique and often mystifying journey for both the person coming out and the people in their lives. As an adult, the fabric of life is often strongly developed with work relationships, long-term friends, and even children and spouses. The complexity of this web of relationships can make the process of coming out quite messy in adulthood, characterized by experiences of deep confusion, guilt, betrayal, rejection, and heartbreak.

When LGBT adults make the difficult but necessary choice to come out, they are often faced with many emotionally fraught questions from people who are shaken by the revelation that their friend or family member is not the person they thought they knew. There can be feelings of shock, anger, and disapproval from those close to the newly identified LGBT person. It is a bewildering experience for everyone involved.

The most basic questions from friends and family address concerns that the newly open LGBT person has been hiding their true nature and their sexuality, and that the trust of the relationship has been broken. Both parties experience feelings of loss and confusion that can severely strain the bonds of the relationship. [fat_widget_left]

For the person coming out, at a time when they most need the support of their friends and family, this layer of confusion can create a perceived lack of safety from the people who would otherwise be that individual’s support network. This lack of support can sometimes lead to an interruption in the coming out process and lead the newly open LGBT individual to regret the decision to come out.

In addressing this issue, it can be important to realize that not only are adults who come out having to redefine themselves and their relationship to their community but also the people they are coming out to have to create a new framework of understanding.

When an adult child comes out to family members, the family story of kids, grandchildren, spouses, and family that has been carried for many years must be re-authored to make the new details meld into the existing family scenario. A time of transition will occur where parents, relatives, and siblings will need to re-establish the family story with fresh details adding a vital new definition to the fabric of the family history. Some family members may become estranged as a result of religious disapproval or an inability to move past feelings of betrayal.

For close friends, there is also a redefinition that must occur in order to assist in building a strong bond between the newly out and open LGBT person and their friends. With both family and friends, questions of lifestyle, safety, and the impact this news will have on future relationships may come to the forefront. Some people who have just come out will feel comfortable answering all of these questions and more, while others may be unsure of their own feelings and may not have all of the answers at that time.

Leaving room to discover this newly developed aspect of the LGBT person’s identity is vital in their ability to define and understand who they are. All of the answers may not be available immediately but the process of coming out is an ongoing experience with new pieces of understanding being continually discovered.

And most important for all people involved in the coming out process—from the LGBT person coming out to family and friends—the qualities of the person coming out are not changing. All of that person’s vital goodness and qualities remain, with the addition of new and exciting aspects being shared openly and honestly for the first time.

The question often comes up among LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) people: should they see a gay therapist, or would they would be comfortable with a gay-friendly therapist? This is a personal decision people need to make for themselves, but as in choosing any therapist, it is important to find a professional who has the education, the empathy, and the ability to understand your individual needs.

Although there are many gay-affirmative and gay-friendly therapists, sometimes it is important to find a therapist who is a member of the gay community. The process of therapy is a very personal one, and for many people it is vital that their therapist be someone who understands and can directly relate to their life experiences. For many LGBT people, there is an internal process that makes it important for them to work with a therapist who has direct knowledge of what it is like to live as a member of the gay community.

So what should you look for when choosing a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues? First off, if having a gay therapist is important to you as a client, then you should make sure you find a therapist who is open about his or her sexual orientation and is willing to openly discuss yours. A gay therapist who is comfortable with his or her own sexuality will be more open to discussing issues that you may be facing as an LGBT person.

But sexual orientation is not all that one should look for in a therapist. It is also important to ask questions about the therapist’s education, training, and understanding of the issues that can face LGBT clients. Your therapist should be familiar with issues of sexuality, coming out, internalized homophobia, HIV/AIDS, depression, and self-destructive behaviors, as well as more traditional issues like couples, dating, social skills, and relationships as they pertain to the LGBT population. Not all gay therapists will be experts on all of these topics, but you want to find the one who has the knowledge to address your personal needs.

Beware of therapists who promise to treat or “cure” homosexuality, as this type of therapy has been found to be unsuccessful. It can often be damaging and lead to low self-esteem, guilt, self-destructive behavior, and even suicide. A good therapist will assist you in finding your personal comfort with your sexuality and not try to “cure” or “fix” you.

Another issue that can come up for discussion in therapy is sex. For many gay people, it is important to have a forum where they can talk openly about sex and the myriad issues that surround intimacy. Ask your therapist whether he or she will be comfortable talking openly about sex and other personal issues that affect you as a client.

As much as it is important to learn about your therapist’s sexuality and commitment to working with LGBT clients, it is equally important to make sure that your therapist will maintain appropriate boundaries in regard to discussing his or her personal experiences. Under no circumstances should there be sexual contact or behavior between client and therapist.

An excellent way to find an LGBT therapist is to use the Advanced Search function here at GoodTherapy.org and enter the search term “LGBT Issues.” You can also check with your local gay and lesbian center, which will often have a resource list of local therapists who work with the LGBT community. Referrals from friends are another great resource in the search for a good therapist who can address your personal needs.

Finding the right therapist for you is vital in order to create the most beneficial outcome of your commitment to go into therapy. Take the time to interview your therapist, making sure that you find the right person who will be able to assist you in your rediscovery of yourself. Whether the therapist is gay or gay-friendly, the right match of therapist and client is the foundation for an exceptional therapeutic experience.