Cropped shot of a happy father and son bonding at homeAs parents and/or as mental health professionals, we might assume divorce always has a negative emotional impact on children. When children are exposed to chronic conflict between their parents, however, divorce may be a better choice for parents than staying together and continuing to expose children to the chronic conflict.

Living under one roof can be extremely stressful for parents who might otherwise consider divorce but are working hard to both keep the family together and meet financial obligations. The impact of this stress often contributes to chronic conflict among the parents, and when children are exposed to this conflict and stress, they experience stress themselves. [fat_widget_right]

Often the chronic conflict that occurs while the family is under one roof becomes the norm for children, who can be compared to barometers, or little instruments that measure atmospheric pressure. Children “measure” the conflict and stress, and their behavior often reflects what they experience.

How Are Children Affected by Chronic Conflict?

Children who experience distress as a result of chronic conflict between parents may be impacted negatively in a number of ways. As they grow up, they may lack role models for healthy relationships. When parents put all of their energy into the conflict existing between them, both the relationship with the children and the ability to parent may be impacted. If conflict is particularly harsh or volatile, children may learn and model a lack of respect for others. Often, children may also find it difficult to trust others or develop faith in healthy, positive relationships, and these effects may impact their adult relationships.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership.

When parents project the negative energy created by chronic conflict, children are more inclined to feel pressure to take sides, and they often absorb the negative energy projected by vocal fighting and arguing. Thus they are then placed in the position of having to deal with adult problems they shouldn’t be exposed to.

Separation of the parents can often relieve the stress at the root of the chronic conflict. When parents separate or divorce, there are certainly transitions and adjustments to be made by the children, and indeed the whole family, but the stresses of daily living under one roof are often relieved, and relationships among family members are likely to improve.

What Factors Determine How Well Children Adjust?

Parents who model positive relationship behaviors, including ending partnerships that are unhealthy, toxic, or simply not working out, can show their children everyone deserves to be in happy and healthy relationships. By not settling for less themselves, they can help their children learn to make similar choices.

Children do much better when their parents are happy and doing well, physically and mentally. Sometimes finding this state of well-being and happiness requires ending the marriage or partnership. If there is no way to reduce the level of conflict between parents, the children are unlikely to derive any benefit from their parents staying together when levels of relationship conflict are high and unlikely to lower.

Through my work with individuals in my practice, I have found three key factors typically determine how well children will adjust to divorce:

  1. The quality of the relationship the children have with each parent prior to the divorce
  2. The length of time the chronic conflict has occurred as well as the intensity of the conflict
  3. The ability of the parents to make the needs of the children a priority during the divorce

Per my professional experience, it is the conflict and the quality of communication between the divorced parents, not the divorce itself or who the children live with, that is the largest factor determining how well children will adjust to the divorce. The mother’s attitude toward the father has a significant impact on the amount of time and the quality of time fathers have with their children after divorce. This is not to say it is the mother’s responsibility to ensure that fathers step up for their children. However, when one parent openly display a negative attitude toward the other parent, the likelihood of that parent withdrawing more from the children’s lives is increased. If this happens, the children will likely experience a negative emotional impact.

It is just as important for both parents (of any gender) to remain openly respectful and collaborate regarding the needs of the children. It is important for the parent without primary custody to make seeing their children consistently a priority, in order for a quality relationship to endure. Further, the parent paying child support should make certain to pay it in a timely manner and continue to take responsibility for continued involvement with their children’s schooling and activities (sports, lessons, performances, and so on).

Adolescents who have difficulty adjusting to divorce have typically experienced a lengthy period of high conflict both before and during the divorce. Adolescents who are able to adjust well typically come from a situation where parents collaborated and negotiated based on what was in the best interest of the children.

Positive Outcomes for Children

Per my observations from working with families affected by divorce or separation, the following are some positive results that can be the outcome for some children after divorce:

The bottom line is this: the happiness of our children, now or in the future, does not rest solely on the institution of marriage or divorce in and of themselves. Their happiness is based on routine, confidence in their relationships with their parents, and their perceptions of their parents as people of strong character. The fear of parental abandonment puts children at the greatest risk when there is chronic conflict and/or when divorce happens. Therefore, parents need to ensure, whether they stay married or decide to divorce, their relationships with their children are a top priority, primarily by including self-care and modeling healthy relationships. A qualified and compassionate professional can often be of assistance here!

References:

  1. Mohi, G. W. (2015, September 22). Positive outcomes of divorce: A multi-method study on the effects of parental divorce on children. University of Central Florida Undergraduate Research Journal, 7(2). Retrieved from from https://www.urj.ucf.edu/docs/mohi.pdf.
  2. Positive effects of divorce on children. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://divorce.laws.com/positive-effects-of-divorce-on-children
  3. What are the effects of divorce on children? (n.d.). FamilyMeans. Retrieved from https://www.familymeans.org/effects-of-divorce-on-children.html

Recently there has been an increasing trend in my practice of parents reaching out to help their adolescents manage their emotions. Parents often tell me, “My teen goes from zero to sixty, seemingly without any provocation. Nothing I say seems to help. Discipline doesn’t have an impact.”

I think we all must remember that being a teen is not something most of us would like to repeat. It’s difficult to manage the various changes that happen all at once—physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the brain is in this mode, it is less able to access executive functions such as reason, logic, or the ability to use good judgment.

In addition to that, it’s also essential to consider the many things life throws in a teen’s path that can result in trauma, anxiety, depression, or general distress. In trying to navigate social situations, bullies and other stressors, school, various other responsibilities, and home life, as well as beginning (or continuing) the process of self-discovery, teens have a full plate indeed.

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Developing Skills To Manage Emotions

Fortunately there are skills teens can learn to help manage their emotions and the many changes they are facing. Managing emotions is one of the most important life skills a person can develop. I work with many adults who became stuck in adolescence while trying to learn to manage their emotions. As a result, they find their adult relationships difficult to navigate at times.

I believe one of the most important strategies to develop in managing emotions is the ability to identify feelings. Sometimes teens find it difficult to let themselves know what they are feeling, or perhaps they simply don’t know how to identify their feelings. Once they are able to identify and articulate their feelings, vulnerability comes into play, but often the vulnerability piece is avoided because of fear of rejection. Defense mechanisms such as criticism, defensiveness, blaming others, shutting down, or using anger to intimidate are some of the strategies teens may resort to in order to save face.

Learning to Accept Feelings

I believe it’s also of great importance for teens to learn how to accept their feelings. I often work with teenagers who want me to tell them how to make their charged emotions go away. I sometimes ask, “What would happen if you accepted your feelings?” The notion of accepting feelings is not one that is often seen as an option. What I see more often in teenagers is the underlying belief that if the feelings are accepted, they are settling for feeling that way on an ongoing basis.

I remind teens that emotions are not necessarily reality. Emotions can cloud the big picture, and when teens succumb to their emotions, they may lose perspective on what is real. I often encourage teens to pay attention to their self-talk. What do they say to themselves about their feelings? Self-talk is very powerful, and most of us engage in more negative self-talk than positive self-talk. Teens are no exception. But I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe. I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe.

Teens are often faced with things that are beyond their control, and this can result in anxiety, which is based in fear. What cannot be controlled may produce fear. The ability to discern what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled is important, and teens may find it beneficial to learn how to discern and then let go of what cannot be controlled. Admittedly, this is much easier said than done!

I also advocate for teens to find appropriate ways to express their feelings, negative and positive. Feelings must be released somehow, and the key for teens is to find ways to express them using techniques that will not harm them or anyone else.

There are numerous appropriate techniques teens can use to express their feelings:

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique, cathartic in releasing feelings and understanding internal conflict, comes from Gestalt theory. If a teen is experiencing emotional dysregulation about another person or a social situation, the teen puts this person or situation into an empty chair, metaphorically speaking. The teen sits in the chair and takes the role of the other person, saying what they imagine the other person would say. The teen then switches back to their own chair and says what they want to say (out loud) to the person(s) they would like to express their feelings to.

I encourage teens not to worry about what they are saying when they use this technique. If they need to yell, they can yell. They can express their raw emotions without worrying about retaliation. The objective of this exercise is to help the teen understand the internal dilemma they are experiencing about the other person or situation.

What Can Parents Do?

I believe that generally, parents do the best they can. Sometimes, parents need the opportunity to learn effective parenting skills to navigate the many challenges that come with adolescence. Some effective strategies parents can use to support their teens in learning better emotional management may include:

Finally, self-care is an important skill for both teens and parents to learn. What do they need to take care of themselves? Exercise? A long bath? Rest? Healthy food? What do they need from another person they can trust? A hug, words of encouragement, or a shoulder (all without judgment) can be very healing. Teens and parents must learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to reach out when they need emotional support and to practice self-acceptance while still remaining open to change.

References:

  1. The empty chair – Gestalt theory at work. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://plaza.ufl.edu/jerez64/paper2.html
  2. Parrott’s classification of emotions chart. (2013, June 29). Retrieved from http://msaprilshowers.com/emotions/parrotts-classification-of-emotions-chart
  3. What is DBT? (n.d.). The Linehan Institute. Retrieved from http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

Middle-aged woman sits at kitchen table next to adult child, talking, while father stands in background with crossed armsIt is a common belief divorce will not be nearly as traumatic for adult children as it often is for young children. That is a myth. Although it may look and feel different, adult children are just as impacted by their parents divorcing as young children are.

When an adult relates that their parents are divorcing, others typically respond by assuming the adult child will not be impacted or the impact will be minimal. However, the sense of loss many adult children experience when their parents divorce can be all-consuming. Adult children of divorce experience not only the loss of their parents being together, but the additional loss of the family unit that has been in place for many years. This is not to minimize the reality young children are often deeply impacted by a sense of loss of the family as a unit. For the adult child, the difference is they have typically experienced many years, even decades, of the family system operating a certain way, and thus may feel that sense of loss at a deeper level.

Adult children don’t always know their parents are struggling in their marriage and can be shell-shocked to find out their parents are divorcing. It is often not as easy to adapt as an adult as it is as a child. Adult children can find themselves questioning their identity when the family unit is no longer functioning as it has been for many years.

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When a young child experiences their parents divorcing, the parents often try to protect the child from the trauma and the charged emotions divorce can be a catalyst for. Conversely, when adult children experience their parents divorcing, adult children can find themselves taking on a more active participant role. One such possible role is a confidant, as their parents confide in them and share information that would not typically be shared with a young child. Adult children of divorce often find themselves questioning the authenticity of the family as they knew it and the family unit they assumed was permanent.

Another difficult issue many adult children of divorce experience is when the family home, a foundation for the family for many years, is sold or lost. Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Some things divorcing parents of adult children should be aware of:

It can also be confusing and upsetting for grandchildren to experience their grandparents divorcing. They may become fearful their own parents will also divorce. Family traditions also come into play. How will the adult children and their families participate in holiday and birthday celebrations with divorced parents/grandparents? Will the parents of the adult children be able to attend functions together? Organizing the logistics can be a challenge all the way around.

Therapy for Adult Children of Divorce

There is a small group of therapists who focus on the impact of divorce on adult children in collaboration with attorneys. Therapists who do this are often referred to as divorce coaches. Although divorce coaching is also used with couples who have young children, the needs of adult children of divorce is an area being looked at more closely throughout the helping professions. Mental health professionals at large need to be aware of the needs of adult children of divorce and of the impact their parents’ divorce may have.

If you have experienced (or are experiencing) your parents’ divorce as an adult, support is available.

Reference:

Gordon Julien, J. (2016, April 21). Never Too Old to Hurt from Parents’ Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/24/fashion/weddings/never-too-old-to-hurt-from-parents-divorce.html

Black and white photo of adult with long hair putting arm around young teen with ponytail outside on benchEnmeshment, a family dynamic that can be described as blurred boundaries between members, can make it difficult or impossible for a child to develop an individual sense of self because they are overly concerned about others. Family therapist Salvadore Minuchin brought this concept to light in the 1970s, and the topic has become common in psychological discussion of late. But what exactly constitutes enmeshment? How does it develop? And how can it be addressed?

Recognizing Enmeshment

Typically the roots of enmeshment can be traced back to parents who over-identify with a child, a dynamic often passed down through generations. Within this dynamic, boundaries are blurred—and may even be viewed as undesirable—and the parent may regard the child as an extension of the parent, rather than their own person, and treat them accordingly.

As a result, children of enmeshed family systems often develop emotional ties that elicit confusion, and they may fail to develop autonomy. An underdeveloped sense of autonomy may make it difficult for the child to act on desires that differ from the parent’s or lead a child to feel guilty when attempting to act on their own feelings. The enmeshed parent may also take it personally when a child attempts to demonstrate autonomy or independence, which can have a harmful impact on the child and the family dynamic overall. [fat_widget_right]

Enmeshment between a parent and child makes it difficult for the emotions of the child to be separated from the emotions of the parent. It can be said, then, that a child may take on emotional pain the parent carries from enmeshment in their own family of origin. This is not uncommon and is often done unconsciously—a child does not realize they are taking on the parent’s emotional pain or that it is not theirs to carry.

Another way of looking at it is to think in terms of “absorbing” the emotional pain of the parent. A parent who is projecting emotional pain is likely not consciously aware they are doing it but simply repeating the cycle that played out in their childhood.

Avoiding Enmeshment

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments.

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments. When one’s self-worth is defined by the actions or choices of one’s child, the pressure on the child to perform, to fulfill expectations, becomes heavy and burdensome. A parent’s self-worth is not the child’s responsibility, and children who take on this charge, consciously or unconsciously, often fail to develop self-esteem and/or a sense of personal identity.

Children generally rely on their parents for support. But before a child can expect to receive this support, they generally need to know the parent is emotionally strong and that the parent will support the child as they are, not only as who the parent wants them to be. When a child is secure in this knowledge, they will typically feel free to be themselves and to follow their own passions without feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional pain or disappointment.

In families affected by enmeshment, children may avoid seeking help when they experience difficulty or dilemma in life, fearing that the parent will impose their own agenda rather than offer guidance and support. When parents model good self-care habits, appropriate boundaries, and regulated emotions, on the other hand, children are more likely to desire to spend time with them, as opposed to when a child simply feels obligated to take care of their parent or manage their parent’s emotions. (Experiencing difficulty with dysregulated emotions? A therapist can help.)

Addressing Enmeshment

What can parents do to address enmeshment? Seek the help of a qualified family therapist or counselor if you recognize any of the following signs in your parent-child dynamic:

What can an older child or adult child do to remedy the impact of an enmeshed relationship with a parent?

Children in enmeshed families may view the parent-child relationship as an obligation or burden and, when they reach adulthood, seek out relationships that perpetuate this dynamic. Parents who take responsibility for their own self-worth and emotional pain, however, are likely to have healthier relationships with their children, where the children make the choice to be involved in their parents’ lives and are able to establish their own healthy, independent relationships.

Reference: 

  1. Heru, A. M. (2015). Families in psychiatry: Unpacking enmeshment issues. Clinical Psychiatry News, 43(5). Retrieved from https://www.questia.com/magazine/1G1-417736319/families-in-psychiatry-unpacking-enmeshment-issues
  2. Lewis, C. (2013, July 8). The enmeshed family: What it is and how to “unmesh.” Retrieved from http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh

Tall adult in jeans and coat holds hand of child in dress coat with long hair as they stand at a gravestone on a rainy dayFrom the time children are born, they count on their parents to provide a sense of safety as they learn about the complex world around them. When a parent dies, it may create intense emotional upheaval for children old enough to understand what has happened. Often, children do not know what to do with those feelings. Surviving parents, guardians, and other adults have a difficult task in helping such children process their grief and move forward.

Perhaps the most important thing anyone can offer a child who has lost a parent is time. Grief does not happen on a specific timetable, and the process of grieving may look very different from one child to the next.

In addition, adults can encourage children to share their feelings safely and without judgment. It is helpful to refrain from using words such as “should” or “should not” when talking to children about a loss or trauma they experienced. Adults can also facilitate a sense of togetherness or shared struggle to ensure children do not feel alone in their grief, and encourage compassion and support among other kids or people in the child’s life.

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The specific challenges facing children who have lost a parent include:

Surviving parents have the unique challenge of providing support for their children as well as processing their own grief. Some parents may feel inclined to grieve in private, believing it is in the children’s best interests to shield them from displays of pain. However, it is appropriate and healthy to allow children to see adults grieving because it signals that is okay to feel the impact of the loss and to openly express their own grief. The objective is to help children understand they are loved, supported, and far from alone in the grieving process.

Often one of the biggest challenges children face when they lose a parent is to accept that they may be experiencing many different feelings. This is normal, and it’s important for children to know that. It can be confusing when they feel emotions such as anger and yet miss their parent at the same time. Children may believe it’s better not to show emotion and that if they don’t, they may be able to forget about the parent they lost or forget the pain they feel. Caring adults need to let children know that when someone they love dies, it’s important to remember them and cherish the positive memories they have.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

Adults often find it difficult to know what to say to children who have lost a parent. Others may be wary of bringing up difficult feelings in children or reopening emotional wounds. As a result, the topic may be avoided altogether, creating an “elephant in the room” effect and contributing to feelings of isolation.

The primary goals for caring adults in the lives of children who have lost a parent are to encourage them to accept their feelings rather than push them away and to offer support whenever it is needed. Often during the grief process, children will move back and forth through the various stages of grief. Being available to listen whenever they’re ready to talk may be what is most comforting to them.

Ultimately, children need to know that there is no “right way” to get through the grief process. Everyone experiences it differently, and children should be encouraged not to judge themselves if the way they experience their grief is different from the way someone else does.

View from front door shows living room with child's toy and robe on the doorknobEmotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.

Many times when I am working with people in therapy who are developmentally stuck, they end up sharing that, as children, they were the person their parent turned to as a confidant or for emotional support. Children put in this position may feel special or privileged because the parent is sharing adult information with them and/or is looking to them for support, creating a sense of closeness. However, given that the child’s needs are ignored in favor of the parent’s, there can be devastating long-term developmental consequences.

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Clearly, it is desirable for parents and their children to be close. However, in healthy parent-child relationships, parents prioritize their children’s emotional needs as opposed to children taking care of the parent’s emotional needs. When children are put in the position of meeting the emotional needs of a parent, it creates an unhealthy dynamic in which children essentially become the parents. The children are emotionally abandoned, in effect robbing them of their childhood.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

The Impact of Emotional Incest

Children who have experienced emotional incest may have great difficulty setting boundaries and getting their needs met as adults without feelings of excessive guilt. In addition, their relationship with their gender and sexuality can greatly inhibit their ability to maintain intimacy in adult partnerships.

Emotional incest can create an unhealthy sense of loyalty or obligation to a parent, which can result in a love/hate relationship between children and parents. Additionally, substance abuse, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and compulsivity around work, sex, and food are all potential outcomes.

Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”

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Healing from Emotional Incest

For those who experienced emotional incest as a child, there are several ways to promote healing. They include the following:

References:

  1. Adams, K. M. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: HCI Books.
  2. Adams, K. M. (2007). When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York, NY: Touchstone Books.

Preteen makes "talk to the hand" gesture to motherIf you pay close attention to social media, music messages, and news trends, you’d be forgiven for thinking disrespectful and rude behavior from children and adolescents is on the rise. The challenges of modern parenting certainly add a layer of complexity. In many families, the authoritarian parenting styles of previous generations have given way to a gentler approach to managing problem behaviors in kids, some of whom have less direct supervision with two parents working and thus more time to be influenced by peers.

Simply put, many parents don’t have the time or resources needed to thoroughly work through undesirable behaviors with their children. As a result, many children have a limited understanding of how to behave respectfully and appropriately.

Where Does Disrespectful Behavior Come From?

When your child or adolescent begins to behave disrespectfully toward you, it is a clear indication you’ve lost some control in the relationship. As a parent, it may be time to change how you respond to your child’s behavior. It is crucial to be consistent in your response going forward and to take your power back. You don’t have to adopt an authoritarian style of discipline in order to establish a clear, firm set of ground rules regarding what behavior will be tolerated and what will not.

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At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not all unpleasant behaviors are coming from an unhealthy place. It is not unusual for children and adolescents to challenge authority by rolling their eyes, talking back, or otherwise demonstrating an attitude. When kids behave in this way, they are often pushing back in the normal course of individuation, or developing a sense of self separate from their parents.

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Once you have emotionally entered into a power struggle with your child or adolescent, you have lost. The following are strategies to avoid being pulled into a power struggle:

  1. Do not take what is said by your child or adolescent personally. Although this can be difficult if your child or adolescent is swearing in your face or name-calling, getting swept up in the words and the heated emotions behind them will only undermine your message, which is: I am in charge here. Period.
  2. Have a plan ready. If your child or adolescent has been successful in embroiling you into a fight or a power struggle in the past, be prepared for them to try to do it again. Plan ahead about what you are going to do when your kid attempts to pull you in again. Plan to take a calm, businesslike tone. Know your limits in advance, plan to state them, and walk away. Plan to avoid engaging in push-pull.
  3. Give your child or adolescent an active role in resolving problematic behavior. I often recommend to parents that they involve their child or adolescent in discussions about what they believe the consequences for disrespectful behavior should be. If your kid has a voice in what happens, they may have more buy-in. Once consequences have been determined, you may decide to give the consequence and have a follow-up discussion later about what happened.
  4. Be consistent. Perhaps the most difficult part about parenting is being consistent, yet it is also the most important part. If you want your child or adolescent to take you seriously and behave differently in the future, you must be steady in your responses and the disciplinary measures you employ.
  5. Be clear about your role. As a parent, your role is to teach and model respectful behavior and effective problem solving in order to help your child or adolescent function appropriately and successfully. Your job is to help them grow into responsible, respectful adults in an increasingly challenging world. That means setting reasonable rules and limits, and being prepared to enforce them. Let it be known that while you love your child unconditionally, you won’t tolerate disrespect—toward you or anyone else.

Teen hides face in crossed arms on table, binders and books open nearbyGiven that the transition from adolescence into young adulthood is often marked by normal emotional ups and downs, it can be difficult for parents to identify symptoms of mental health issues. Especially after puberty, adolescents experience a variety of changes, both behaviorally and psychologically. They also experience mood swings that can seem severe, depending on the day and the circumstances.

So what should parents be aware of? What should they watch for? Some broad signs that indicate an adolescent’s mood or behavior could be problematic include:

Some of the most common mental health diagnoses among adolescents are depression, anxiety, attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), and eating disorders. Let’s take a closer look at these issues and explore their symptoms.

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Depression

Common symptoms of depression in adolescents are irritability (generally more so than sadness), anger, hostility, and melancholy. Adolescents often have somatic symptoms such as headaches or stomachaches when depressed. Other symptoms to look for are low self-esteem, chronic fatigue, apathy, lack of concentration, emotional dysregulation, and thoughts of suicide. It should be noted that adolescents and young adults can also display symptoms of bipolar, a mood condition similar to depression but with the addition of mania. Mania can manifest as an extreme elated mental state, such as feelings of euphoria, lack of inhibitions, racing thoughts, little to no need for sleep, excessive talking, and risky behavior.

Anxiety

Anxiety can manifest as panic (or panic attacks), posttraumatic stress (PTSD), obsessive compulsion (OCD), social anxiety, or phobias. Parents should take note that PTSD often presents as severe fear of people, places, or things, and can also be diagnosed as phobias, while obsessive compulsion typically manifests as consistent thoughts of an image or impulse. Young adults with anxiety can appear fearful, withdrawn, and emotionally dysregulated.

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible.

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity (ADHD)

To identify possible ADHD, parents should also watch for the child or adolescent not being cognizant of their actions, disorganization, a lack of focus, disruptive behavior, and becoming easily bored. The most significant symptom of attention-deficit hyperactivity, in my opinion, is a lack of impulse control. This can manifest as engaging in behavior that seems obviously (to everyone else, anyway) inappropriate. When an adolescent is asked, “Why did you do that?” the answer is often, “I don’t know” or “I wanted to.” In my work with adolescents diagnosed with ADHD, the ability to think through the consequences of a given behavior is often not present. I have worked with adolescents who had ideas that were quite brilliant; people diagnosed with ADHD are often extremely bright and creative. However, when they attempt to execute those ideas, the consequences of not asking permission or crossing boundaries are typically not considered.

Eating Disorders

Eating disorders may include bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, and body dysmorphia. Typically, adolescents with eating disorders aren’t just dieting and exercising to maintain weight. Bulimia is defined as binging and purging to avoid calories being consumed and potential weight gain. Anorexia manifests as eating significantly small amounts of food or no food at all, which can be extremely dangerous or even fatal. Symptoms to watch for are dissatisfaction with the way the adolescent looks, sudden and/or extreme weight loss, going to the bathroom right after eating, fear of weight gain, and a frail or thin appearance.

What to Do If You Suspect Your Child Has a Mental Health Issue

If you suspect your child or adolescent may have one of the conditions above, it is imperative to seek professional help as soon as possible. Depending on the diagnosis and the severity of the issue, treatment may include cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, and/or medication.

Prompt treatment can prevent a plethora of future problems for adolescents transitioning into adulthood. Adolescents often feel ashamed or embarrassed about their feelings or concerns and thus don’t reveal them. As a parent, that’s where you come in. The fallout for adolescents not receiving appropriate treatment may include low self-esteem, substance abuse, and thoughts of suicide, and can impact various areas of their lives, such as academic performance, work performance, friendships, romantic relationships, and family relationships.

Identifying mental health issues in adolescents can be complicated because it can be hard to delineate potential problems from normal mood and behavioral fluctuations. The key is the severity and duration of the behavior and to what degree it is getting in the way of the adolescent’s ability to function. Behavior that indicates a possible mental health issue is present will typically increase in severity, duration, and disruption in the life of the adolescent over time.

Serious teenage boy stands alone on roofAs a family systems therapist, it’s been my experience that when parents bring a child to my office due to acting-out behaviors or social challenges, it usually comes back to the dynamic in the parental relationship. Typically, what’s going on (or not) between Mom and Dad is at the root of the issue, regardless of whether the parents are married, separated, or divorced.

Marital dissatisfaction and parental conflict, in my experience, are often correlated with how well children adjust to situations. In addition, parental attitudes and approaches can impact children. Children may experience anxiety, depression, shame, or other issues when conflicted parental relationships result in dysfunctional parenting practices. Parental conflict can result in reduced parental involvement, harsh discipline practices, lack of praise and acknowledgement, and increased parent-child conflict.

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A common scenario that often plays out in families with parental conflict is when a child is blamed and scapegoated by the parents, which in turn may cause the child to act out. This nonadaptive parenting style creates a dynamic of discord that is enmeshed, reciprocal, and reinforcing.

When overt or covert (silent or aggressive) parental conflict is present, there may be a tendency to create “alliances” or “collusions” among family members, which typically only alienates healthy family relationships. Additionally, some parents who do not actively engage in conflict in front of their children may allow their negative feelings toward each other to guide their decisions. These decisions, when motivated by resentment and not the best interests of the children, may be equally harmful.

Naturally, parental conflict also can result in reduced emotional availability toward children. Generally speaking, the lower the level of parental conflict, the more positive parent-child relationships tend to be.

Suggestions for Managing Parental Conflict Around Children

Conflict is a natural part of relationships. It is important for children to see that parents can disagree and work through conflicts. The problem solving that follows occasional conflict between parents can be a healthy thing for children to witness. When parents are able to demonstrate effective problem-solving strategies collaboratively, they model supportive parenting and parental involvement at a much higher level.

The lower the level of parental conflict, the more positive parent-child relationships tend to be.

However, when conflict is chronic and parents aren’t able to come to resolution, it can become problematic from the children’s standpoint.

So what can parents do to demonstrate healthy conflict management in front of their children? Here are some suggestions to consider:

Finally, when trying to resolve conflict, it is important to look at family-of-origin patterns to determine how conflict was resolved in earlier generations, as patterns tend to be passed down in families from generation to generation. Then, it is important for parents to look for patterns in their relationships as well as their own behaviors and motivations.

Ideally, parents should be open to seeking help from a professional, as getting input from an objective third party who is trained to help resolve conflict can be beneficial in identifying ineffective resolution strategies that parents may be engaging in.

Group of children blow bubbles over bridge while adult woman supervisesWhen the uniquely challenging task of raising children is supported within the community, it benefits families and society as a whole. Given that communities are made up of diverse families, it would stand to reason those who care for children and provide opportunities for both parents and children to connect to others are stronger and higher functioning.

Given the demands they face and the futures they’re responsible for, all parents can benefit from support. The first step for parents in getting the support they need is to ask for it. However, many parents are at a loss as to where to look for support, and others may feel uncomfortable accepting support when it is offered. When parents receive the support they need, they’re likely to be more relaxed and healthier, set an example for their children that it is okay to ask for help, and show their kids the value in both helping and being helped.

The primary objective of community-based support programs for parents is to increase their capacity to develop the skills to acquire resources, a support network, and services. Community-based parent support programs and initiatives can have a direct impact on child behavior outcomes in that they enhance parents’ capabilities and efficacy, particularly when they are family-centered as opposed to professionally centered.

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Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life. Family-centered clinicians see themselves as facilitating parents in finding the resources and support they need. In my experience as a therapist working with families, parents who perceive themselves to be more competent have more positive interactions with their children, which I believe encourages children’s social and emotional development and has a positive impact on behavior.

Characteristics to look for in community-based parent support programs are a high degree of respect, high regard, compassionate support, family choice for intervention options, resources to make informed decisions, and access to supports that allow parents to nurture their children using techniques that create optimal outcomes.

Family-centered or help-giving approaches move away from the perception professionals are the experts who determine the needs of parents and prescribe what to do to increase their quality of life.

The way help is provided in these support programs can have a direct impact on their outcomes. Help should be provided using methods that promote parental self-efficacy and the ability to foster social and emotional development of children. Programs that function in a family-centered manner may increase parents’ sense of confidence and competence. Practices that elicit parents’ feedback on information they believe is important, and that actively solicit parental participation, also help to achieve this.

When parents are provided opportunities for personal growth, and to gain the knowledge and skills to perform in leader roles, parent leadership is fostered. Parent leadership is said to be successful when there is solid collaboration between parents and practitioners with a foundation of mutual respect, equal responsibility, expertise, and confidence in the decisions being made that impact their families and the greater community.

The benefits of these programs and initiatives aren’t limited to those being helped. Parents who get involved to provide support for other parents may feel a sense of pride and fulfillment in knowing they are making a difference while simultaneously promoting their own growth and development.

Some resources for finding and accessing community-based support programs for parents include:

References:

  1. Dunst, C.J., Trivette, C.M., & Hamby, D. W.(2006). Family support program quality and parent, family and child benefits. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
  2. Dunst, C. J., Trivette, C. M., & Hamby, D. W. (2008). Research synthesis and meta-analysis of studies of family-centered practices. Asheville, NC: Winterberry Press.
  3. Kagan, S. L., Weissbourd, B., eds. (1994). Putting families first: America’s family support movement and the challenge of change. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
  4. Layzer, J. I., Goodson, B. D., Bernstein, L., & Price, C. (2001). National evaluation of family support programs: Final report. Cambridge, MA: Abt Associates.
Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.