There is an abundance of information about how anxiety impacts our health—mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Anxiety can cause periods of panic, feelings of fear or overwhelm, and a general sense of unease and tension. It can take over your thoughts and bleed into many areas of your life. Have you considered how anxiety destroys relationships with those closest to you?

If you are feeling a strain on your relationship, anxiety may be playing a role. Could your anxiety (or your partner’s) be putting your relationship at risk?

Here’s how and why anxiety destroys relationships, and what you can do to stop it.

1. Anxiety breaks down trust and connection …

Anxiety causes fear or worry that can make you less aware of your true needs in a given moment. It can also make you less attuned to the needs of your partner. If you’re worried about what could be happening, it’s difficult to pay attention to what is happening. When you feel overwhelmed, your partner may feel as though you aren’t present.

… so train your brain to live in the moment. If you notice a fear or concern that causes your thoughts to stray from the facts or the present moment, pause and think about what you know (as opposed to what you don’t know). Calm down before you act. You can make purposeful steps to build trust in your partner. Share openly when you’re feeling worried, and consciously reach out to your partner (physically or verbally) when you might normally withdraw or attack in fear.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Minneapolis, MN or find a therapist closer to you.

2. Anxiety crushes your true voice, creating panic or procrastination …

Someone who tends to be anxious may have trouble expressing his or her true feelings. It also may be difficult to keep reasonable boundaries by asking for the attention or space that is needed.

Since experiencing anxiety is uncomfortable, subconsciously you may try to postpone the experience of it. On the other hand, anxiety can cause you to believe that something must be talked about immediately, when in fact a short break may be beneficial.

If you don’t express what you truly feel or need, anxiety becomes stronger and anxiety destroys relationships. Plus, your emotions may eventually spiral out of control if you keep them in. You may become overwhelmed and defensive.

… so acknowledge your feelings sooner rather than later. A feeling or concern doesn’t have to be a disaster in order for it to be addressed. Approach your partner with kindness, so that you’re neither procrastinating nor panicking. Also, find time on your own to unpack some of the thoughts or fears circulating in your mind; they are draining your time and energy.

3. Anxiety causes you to behave selfishly …

Because anxiety is an overactive fear response, someone experiencing it may at times focus too much on his or her own concerns or problems.

Your worries and fears may be putting unnecessary pressure on your relationship. You may feel like you need to worry in order to protect yourself in your relationship, but it might be keeping you from being compassionate and vulnerable with your partner.

If your partner experiences anxiety, you may build up resentment and react in selfish ways as well. The attitudes and perspectives that we have are contagious. Keeping your stress levels under control is especially hard when your partner is feeling anxious, upset, or defensive.

… so attend to your needs, not your fears. When you notice yourself becoming fearful or defensive, take a moment to consider the compassion that you have for yourself and your partner. Clearly ask for the support you need to feel loved and understood. Apologize for letting anxiety make you self-absorbed.

4. Anxiety is the opposite of acceptance …

A healthy form of worry will tell you “something isn’t right”; it comes via that quick pull at your heart or that tight feeling in your stomach. This signal helps you act, such as when you speak up for someone who is being treated poorly.

Unhealthy levels of anxiety make you feel as though an emotional “rock” is in your stomach almost all the time. Anxiety causes you to reject things that are not dangerous and avoid things that might benefit you. It also can stop you from taking healthy action to change things in your life that are hurting you because it makes you feel hopeless or stuck.

… so practice being uncomfortable. You don’t need to either ignore or obsess over an uncomfortable thought. Take constructive action if you can. Sometimes your partner just needs you to be present with his or her feelings, and sometimes you need to offer that same gift to yourself. You can show your presence to your partner with soft eyes or a soft touch, and be present for yourself with a calming breath.

5. Anxiety robs you of joy …

Experiencing joy requires a sense of safety or freedom. Anxiety makes us feel either fearful or limited. Also, a brain and body trained to stress may have a much harder time enjoying sex and intimacy. Negative thoughts and fears impact a person’s ability to be present within a relationship, potentially sucking the joy out of a moment.

… so don’t take yourself too seriously. You can use your sense of humor to overcome anxiety. Remember to laugh and play with your partner. Joy physically heals and comforts your brain in ways that are vital for a healthy relationship.

As Anxiety Weakens, Your Relationship Strengthens

Building trust within your relationship may reduce the power of anxiety. By understanding how anxiety impacts your relationships, you can create positive change within a relationship dynamic.

A therapist who specializes in anxiety treatment can help you further understand anxiety and help you stop harming yourself and your relationship.

Living with anxiety can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful. Frequent anxiety symptoms may be robbing you of sleep, joy, and/or confidence. However, there is much you can learn and benefit from when it comes to understanding anxiety. In fact, anxiety works to your advantage in some significant ways. Identifying anxiety and exploring how you relate to it may help you uncover some of your most significant strengths and useful skills.

Here are seven ways anxiety can actually be a good thing:

1. Anxiety may make you smarter.

A person who tends to be anxious may also naturally be highly intelligent. Anxious people can be incredibly good researchers, critical thinkers, and analyzers. In addition to naturally tending toward higher-level intellectual processing, anxiety can also teach you to be smarter as you go through a process of learning more about it. Building a better understanding of your anxiety can help you learn to explore options consciously and problem solve calmly. That skill improves both your mental and emotional intelligence.

2. Anxiety is rooted in your need to protect yourself.

Fear is designed to keep you safe from danger. Anxiety is an adaptation of that vital and fundamental fear response. Sometimes anxiety will tell you that the worst is true (perhaps getting you to believe that everyone dislikes you or that someone is determined to harm you). However, paying attention to that uneasy feeling can help you stay connected to sense of self-preservation.

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You can think of anxiety as an annoying friend with good intentions. This may help you learn when to take back the control to stop anxiety from dictating many of your thoughts and actions. You may start to notice your anxiety response sooner, allowing you to make conscious decisions about whether there is danger and how to best take care of yourself.

3. Anxiety directs to you whatever needs your attention.

It can be healthy to temporarily distract yourself from anxiety to gain perspective, but if a thought or situation causes anxiety repeatedly, your mind and body are likely trying to tell you there is something needing to be addressed. It may also give you a sense of what you truly care about and want to take action on, even if it may be difficult to do so. Anxiety can direct you to see that something about a situation is too important to ignore. A therapist can help you learn how to give a situation attention without it needing to be anxious attention.

4. Anxiety directs you to finding your deepest core values.

Noticing what you fear is a gateway to discovering what you truly value. We feel a form of anxiety when we see someone being bullied or harmed. We feel anxiety when a person says something that seems dishonest. This response doesn’t have to mean we are predicting the worst possible outcome; it is a vital radar to show us what is right and wrong for us. To fully eliminate anxiety would be to eliminate discernment and self-awareness.

5. Anxiety can help you discover your fullest potential.

Many people who have a form of anxiety are chronic overachievers. Anxiety is often used as a tool to help you push yourself to your limit of achievement. The downside is that there are often negative meanings attached, such as not being good enough or not valuing rest. Often, anxious overachievers have difficulty saying no, trouble completing tasks to their liking or knowing which tasks to prioritize, and issues trusting or working with others.

Using anxiety as a means to “motivate” yourself can only work to a certain extent. Looking at the amount you accomplish even with the negative pressure of anxiety, imagine how much more you could do if you felt focused, calm, and fulfilled by the tasks you accomplish. Anxiety can give you that glimpse into what your body and mind are able to achieve, even under great pressure. You can achieve things with more focus and fulfillment by working with a therapist to let go of the negativity that anxiety can bring.

6. Anxiety provides the energy necessary for taking action.

For many people, anxiety doesn’t inspire over-achievement but instead a perceived inability to take action. Does anxiety ever leave you feeling paralyzed, unable to move forward? The good news is this stress response can work to your benefit.

Does anxiety ever leave you feeling paralyzed, unable to move forward? The good news is this stress response can work to your benefit.

The energy that fuels anxious thoughts and behaviors is giving you what you need to take action and get unstuck. By not taking action, the energy is just getting bottled up inside you with nowhere to go but in circles. A mind spinning in circles or a body that fidgets or panics is stifling the energy of anxiety. Taking action can channel and alleviate that pressure, and the stress response can help you have the energy to do that.

Especially for someone who struggles with depression in addition to anxiety, training the body and mind to take small actions using that energy can provide healing over time—for example, using that energy to take a walk outside or to start a conversation (rather than playing it out repeatedly in your mind).

7. Anxiety can teach you to find balance in life, whatever that may mean for you.

Practicing responding to anxiety in purposeful ways can guide a process of finding balance in every aspect of your life: work and play, social time and personal time, rest and activity, etc. Anxiety gives clues to wherever your world may be out of balance.

Taking charge of your relationship with anxiety may be the most rewarding thing you do for yourself. You can prove to yourself what you are capable of by learning to consciously respond to your anxiety rather than allowing it to control you. This process can help you develop incredible acceptance, confidence, and leadership abilities. Find a therapist to guide and support your efforts and accomplishments.