Person sitting on the sofa reads while drinking from brown and white mugWe all have things we’d like to accomplish. However, many of us struggle at times in the pursuit of our goals. We lack motivation, have no energy to get started, or don’t know where to begin. We procrastinate or find excuses. Then we judge ourselves harshly for being “lazy” or “slacking.” Sometimes all we need is a jump-start, a strategy or two to get us moving when we’re feeling stuck or we’ve been idling too long.

Here are some tried-and-true ideas:

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  1. Set a timer for 15 minutes. You know those clothes that came out of the dryer and need to be folded? Or the dishes that magically appeared in the sink? Instead of secretly wishing those things would disappear, challenge yourself and make a game of it. See how much you can accomplish in just 15 minutes; set the timer and go! You may be surprised at the number of things you can complete in a short period of time, especially when you’re racing against the clock. It also helps to know there is an end to the chore. In just 15 minutes, it will be done. Or, by then, you will have tricked yourself into continuing, because you’re on a roll and find you want to complete the task rather than leave some of it undone.
  2. Buddy up. You’ve promised yourself that you’re going to wake up early and go for morning walks, but that pledge was made a month ago and you still haven’t found your sneakers. Find a partner to keep you accountable. Ask those around you if they’d be interested in doing the same thing. Once you find one or two “buddies,” decide to check in with each other the night before to keep yourselves on track. Self-motivation can be difficult. Send reminders and support one another.
  3. Same time, same place. Consistency helps with motivation. If you intend to read more, decide on a location and time that you can devote to reading regularly. It might be picking your favorite corner of a coffee shop at noon or the comfy chair in your living room at 8 p.m. each evening. Have your book at the ready and devote an hour or so to fulfilling your intention. By being consistent, you may be less likely to hesitate or compromise and allow other things to get in the way. If you have a project you need to work on (college applications, cleaning your closets, putting together a presentation) and you find yourself doing anything and everything to avoid it, schedule a consistent block of time each day to chip away at it. An example would be setting aside 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. daily until the project is complete. You may find yourself devoting less time to debating yourself and more time to doing. One important thing to note: there is often no ideal time or place. If you’re waiting for that, you may never get started. Just go with what works and take it from there.
  4. Go public. This can be scary, for sure, but words have so much power. Once you declare what you want to accomplish, you may have more energy behind what you set out to do. You might be surprised to receive the support of others. While that may not always be the case, you can even be fueled by naysayers. Adopt an “I’ll show them!” attitude and devote more attention to what you want to see happen. When you own your goals in a big way, when you aren’t whispering them into the wind, you may be more likely to take big steps in accordance with them.
  5. Set up a reward. Go ahead, wave that “carrot”! Think about how you could reward yourself, either at intervals or upon completion. A reward could be as simple as getting up and getting a cup of coffee after you complete some paperwork, or buying a new pair of jeans upon achieving a weight-loss goal. Remind yourself that the reward is something you know you’d really enjoy, even more so having earned it.
  6. Remove obstacles. Do what you can to set the stage for success. For example, if you’re seeking to work on your taxes, gather all that you might need prior to beginning the project rather than approaching it piecemeal, which may only serve to frustrate you. If you’re trying to make it to an early workout class, lay out your workout clothes the night before and have your bottle of water ready to go in the refrigerator. You want to be able to get up and go rather than face obstacles like not being able to find your shirt in the dark. Another example might be thinking about beginning therapy. Find a therapist whose schedule can accommodate you, whose office isn’t too far from home or work, or who accepts your insurance so you don’t find the cost prohibitive. [amazon_affiliate]
  7. Know your “why.” Give some thought to what you will gain as result of taking the action you’re considering. Your “why” needs to be for you and not someone else. Having clarity around it may enable you to break through the inertia that held you back. Simon Sinek, in his book Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action, describes the “why” as the higher cause, the vision you have. The mechanics of what you are setting out to do, the “what” and the “how,” are lifted to a new level of meaning when you know your “why,” thereby inspiring you to take action with a greater sense of purpose.

Don’t assume you’ll suddenly become motivated. Utilize one or more of these strategies to begin moving forward. Sometimes all you need is to take the first step or two to begin building the momentum you want to see.

Reference:

Sinek, S. (2009). Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Person with long red hair lies in grass, hair spread out around Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself is a book that compelled me to pull out my highlighter as I read. It contains a lot of valuable nuggets I’ve been implementing and sharing with the people I work with in therapy.

Here are some of my big takeaways:

1. Instead of identifying with the incessant chatter in our heads, we can bear witness to it. In doing so, we create awareness and separate ourselves from it, rather than get caught up in it.

We all have that voice in our heads—the one that tells us what to do, what not to do, how we could have done something better. The one that shames us, criticizes us, reminds us. It rarely takes a break, keeping us from falling asleep at night and waiting for us the first moment we stir. Singer compares it to a backseat driver, doing its best to maintain some semblance of control. It narrates the events we experience, but it doesn’t do so objectively. It manipulates. It often causes us to feel as though we’re not okay, or that we’re in need of protection.

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What can you do to separate yourself from this chatter?

Singer states that if see yourself as an observer of the voice, you can view it more objectively. You can say to yourself, “These are just my thoughts. Just because they are doesn’t make them true. I don’t have to identify with them.” That awareness is key. Singer encourages us to live in the “Seat of Self”—that space where we sit back and allow events, thoughts, and emotions to pass before us, and keep ourselves from drifting off into the current.

Another strategy is to attribute the chatter to a separate individual. Chances are that “backseat driver” is annoying enough to warrant you banishing it. Would you choose to hang out with a naysayer, criticizer, or catastrophizer? You might tell them you had other plans.

2. We often try so hard to avoid our pain that we construct lives designed by it.

Singer explores how we work hard to create an illusion of safety and control. We define how our lives need to be okay and see alternatives as a threat, taking things personally when they don’t go according to plan. If we don’t face our pain head-on, we orchestrate ways to cover it up or avoid it, thereby letting it rule us.

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He gives a wonderful example of having a thorn (your pain) embedded in you and what happens when you don’t do the work of removing it. You start avoiding bumping into things so as not to disturb it; you can’t get too close to people because you don’t want it to be touched; and you can’t sleep because you roll onto it, so you construct a contraption to keep it from touching your sheets. You then need to get specially tailored clothes to accommodate the contraption. That thorn, the pain you are trying so adamantly to avoid, eventually dictates all you do.

If we face our pain and fear instead of working so hard to protect, we grant ourselves permission to be free and to grow.

3. We tend to either cling to or resist things.

Singer describes clinging as “focusing your awareness on one particular object,” so your “emotions stay in one place long enough to become the building blocks of your psyche.” What we focus on expands. If we cling to something, we are likely operating out of fear. We are not allowing it to pass through us so we can be fully present in the next moment. We hold on and get stuck instead.

When we no longer cling or resist, we see fear or pain without satisfying the impulse to protect ourselves from it.

When we resist, we struggle to make the world fit into precepts we’ve defined: what we believe is fair, right, or good. When our world doesn’t match up, we find ourselves fighting, defending, rationalizing, or becoming angry or frustrated. If we let go of the limits we’ve decided upon, we no longer resist. We accept that events exist outside of our comfort zone and relinquish the effort to control or change that.

When we no longer cling or resist, we see fear or pain without satisfying the impulse to protect ourselves from it. This frees up our energy and enables us to be present, not caught in the past or paralyzed by what might happen in the future.

4. We unnecessarily expend a lot of energy reacting and then recovering when we could be enjoying freedom and happiness.

Singer compares this process to a pendulum. So much of our energy is wasted swinging from one extreme to the other—reacting and recovering. A healthier response is to notice a reaction and then choose to relax and release it.

We are most effective when we are balanced. If we forgo the extremes, we naturally have more energy available to us to live our lives fully and with purpose.

5. We qualify our happiness.

We tell ourselves “if/then” statements. If I am 10 pounds thinner/if I get married/if my boss treats me with respect, then I’ll be happy. Singer states choosing happiness can be simple. He provides a wonderful example of a starving man being asked what kind of food he wants, and the starving person simply answering “food” rather than requesting something specific. He’s not picky about the kind of nourishment he receives.

When we are too particular regarding how we define happiness, it becomes less available to us. If we choose it in its broadest sense, we let go of our parameters and opt to be happy with more far more ease and frequency.

Reference:

Singer, M. A. (2007). The untethered soul: The journey beyond yourself. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Person in business attire with hair tied back into ponytail holds phone and looks thoughtfully out windowYour next therapy appointment is approaching, and you’re wondering what you might talk about. Nothing “exciting” has happened recently. You’re not upset about anything in particular. There’s been no drama. You’re actually feeling pretty good.

You think to yourself, “There’s no point in going. I might as well cancel.”

Here are some reasons you shouldn’t.

Therapy isn’t helpful only in times of crises. It can serve the purpose of ensuring the maintenance of healthy coping strategies. It can be a place to investigate alternative ways of looking at situations that have the potential to be “bigger” so they don’t end up being seen as flash points, but rather as manageable moments to employ useful skills and tools. In addition, themes and patterns that emerge over time might be more easily acknowledged in a session not devoted to crises.

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People I work with often mention they thought on the drive over they had nothing to talk about but were amazed to discover there was quite a bit to explore. Once more immediate challenges are dealt with, there are opportunities to dig beneath the surface and work on the core issues that underlie everyday struggles.

Sometimes, hesitating before a session signals you might be close to working on something of great importance. That hesitation might represent fear or apprehension. It’s helpful to share with your therapist that you considered canceling, as well as the feelings that came up for you.

Therapy is work; it’s not supposed to be easy. It requires being open to different perspectives, trying new things, making changes, being honest with yourself and with others, and doing things that are difficult or challenging.

You might not be aware of things your therapist is seeking to explore with you. A seemingly simple question might serve to elicit a lot of material—important content you hadn’t even realized was there.

If you believe your work in therapy is done and you’re thinking you’ll call in the future if things aren’t going well, communicate this intention in person. When contemplating terminating therapy, it’s important to discuss it in session with your counselor so it is carried out therapeutically. It is a wonderful chance to concretely take stock of the progress you’ve made and the strategies you will take with you. It’s imperative you review the supports you have set up as well as the plan you will be putting in place for how to handle stressors or triggers that may challenge you going forward. Allow for that closure. Otherwise, you may leave without full awareness of what you’ve accomplished and without being completely cognizant of the tools you have at your disposal, should you need them. It’s also the perfect opportunity to demonstrate communicating effectively something that might be difficult to express.

As a therapist, I am grateful when a person I work with feels comfortable enough to bring their uncertainty to me. It demonstrates the person is feeling strong enough to do so and is not avoiding the expression of their thoughts, often indicative of progress.

Saying goodbye is not always easy, but it is often best said in person, with the parameters for reengagement clearly mapped out. It’s possible your therapist will respectfully disagree with your assessment and encourage you to continue in therapy. It is important to hear that and consider that feedback in your decision-making process.

Wanting to cancel may be as much a part of the therapeutic process as attending your sessions regularly. It may signal it is time to review your original counseling goals to see whether they’ve been met, or whether in fact you and your therapist have gone in a different direction. Acknowledging your ambivalence can give you and your therapist an opening to get back on track with regard to the counseling goals, or the chance to create new objectives.

As a therapist, I am grateful when a person I work with feels comfortable enough to bring their uncertainty to me. It demonstrates the person is feeling strong enough to do so and is not avoiding the expression of their thoughts, often indicative of progress.

Showing up and then articulating your inclination to cancel can serve to strengthen the therapeutic alliance and deepen the work you do in counseling. It demonstrates you are acknowledging your thoughts and feelings rather than taming them into submission or sweeping them under the rug, and that you are willing to communicate directly rather than avoiding or ignoring.

If you’re thinking of canceling, show up instead, talk about it, and with your therapist, collaboratively navigate how best to handle those moments going forward.

Photo of young adult with brilliant smile laughing and looking off to one side, holding backpack straps out, standing on walking trailUnfortunately, all too often, I speak to people who struggle with their self-image. For the purpose of being entirely transparent, I sometimes do, too.

Here are things that sometimes surface in my conversations with others:

I saw a clip of the Today Show recently where they offered two women makeovers during an “Ambush Makeover” segment. One of the women was incredibly excited (it was her 50th birthday), and she was thrilled with the results of her “reveal.” The other woman expressed trepidation and stated she was more nervous than excited. The show’s staff assured her they’d take care of her.

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Upon seeing herself in the mirror afterward, and after the hosts exclaimed how gorgeous she looked, that woman calmly said “I like it” and then “My mom will like it” in a measured way, as though that was purportedly the correct response. Though she smiled broadly, it didn’t appear she was as ecstatic as the hosts. I got the feeling she might be eager to wash off the façade, that perhaps she never believed she needed a makeover in the first place. It was slightly awkward to watch because it drove home the notion one “should” want to present as aesthetically pleasing to others, even when one is perfectly content with being exactly as they are.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

One of the people with whom I work in therapy, when asked when she felt beautiful, replied “never,” her eyes welling with tears. As we continued our exploration of this subject, I asked her how she defined the word “beautiful.” She referenced someone from her past whom she described as kind, warm, smiling, welcoming, and friendly. That became a reference point for us, and she was then able to discern she had, in fact, felt beautiful at times.

Often, what we truly perceive as beautiful is not what is traditionally externally pleasing to the eye. We recognize people in our lives as beautiful when being around them makes us feel good. We see them beneath their surface. The same can hold true for us.

Here are some examples of things you can do to improve your relationship with yourself and feel more “beautiful”—according to your definition:

Think about what the word “beautiful” means specifically to you, and the moments in which you feel that way most deeply. How do you project your beauty into the world?

“What I want to be, girls, is beautiful. Beautiful means ‘full of beauty.’ Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you’re made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day.” —Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior: A Memoir

Two people sit at table, looking at each other and holding coffee. One is talking to the other. Do you consider yourself a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?

Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above questions, it may serve you to become better at saying “no.”

William Ury, in his book The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No, suggests the dilemma we encounter in saying “no” often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our own sense of power and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship. Ury says we often find ourselves doing one of three things in response to a request:

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  1. Accommodate. We say yes when we really want to say no. This brings us a temporary, false sense of peace, later be replaced with apprehension and resentment. We defer to the relationship with no regard for our power and ironically end up undermining the relationship in the long run.
  2. Attack. We often do this with those we love the most, the ones we take for granted. We say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power, but with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person.
  3. Avoid. We don’t prioritize our personal power OR the relationship; in other words, everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.

It’s important to be able to say no so you feel empowered while still maintaining your relationships with others. Saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you.

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Some people question what to do when they don’t have an immediate answer to an inquiry. It’s okay to take a little time to think about your response. To keep yourself from avoiding altogether, provide a deadline by which you need to decide what your answer will be. Tell the other person something like, “I need to give your request some thought. I will let you know by noon Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes.

A helpful strategy that can enable you to say no with greater ease is to gain clarity around the kinds of things to which you want to say yes. Make a list of your top three priorities (and understand that they may change). Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard. When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, feel free to answer the inquiry affirmatively. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.

Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning (in fact, sometimes it can invite challenges to your “no”). However, you can say something about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes. Doing so lets others know you are acknowledging the request, and demonstrates respect for the person who asked. Communicating to others that they’ve been heard can go a long way toward strengthening a relationship, even when you say no.

Another helpful strategy suggested by Ury is to have an “anchor phrase.” Examples might be “I have a policy …” or “I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later” or “I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.” Once you have your anchor phrase, you can practice it. As a result of being proactive and prepared, you may be able to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your yes rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.

Reference:

Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

A person with long red hair looks to one side critically, with fingertips steepled“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.” —Marcus Aurelius

I wonder why, despite our best intentions, we sometimes stand in judgment of others. The reasons that follow do not justify the behavior, but I believe they do help explain it.

When we judge people harshly, we use others as a basis for comparison. We tell ourselves that our choices are pretty good given what other people are up to. We don’t use our own goals and intentions as our yardstick or benchmark. Instead, we let others determine how well we’re doing. We develop a false sense of superiority when we find fault with others. As long as others are not perfect (and no one is), then we can feel more easily justified in our own behaviors.

Judging others might be our way of finding our place among others. When we form opinions about what we aspire to and what we disdain, we determine where we think we “fit” now, and perhaps where we would like to be in the future.

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Judging others, ironically and as much as we might hate to admit it, can be an opportunity for us to rail against the things we like least within us. This is something we often fail to realize. Sometimes people hold up a mirror and we neglect to see our own reflections. We are bothered by qualities in others that we choose not to notice in ourselves.

Occasionally, judging can be a way for us to join with others. One person complains about something, then another person echoes that sentiment, and then another. Before you know it, a group has formed grounded in negativity. It sometimes takes root in humor, but is often at the expense of someone else.

How can we do better?

It is important that we try to understand where others are coming from, and remember we are often more alike than different. We need to look closely at what may be driving another person’s behavior. We don’t have to agree to understand.

We need to be careful not to let our judgment of others belie our own insecurities. It would be more constructive for us to work to build our own strengths and skills instead of comparing ourselves to others.

Carefully consider whether the very behavior or characteristic you complain about in someone else is something you could be working on yourself. Is it possible you’re upset that you don’t possess MORE of the characteristics you are upset with? For example, do you find yourself criticizing someone who exemplifies confidence and strength because you deem them haughty or pompous? Is that because you actually wish YOU were more self-assured and assertive? If you find yourself judging someone else’s characteristics or ways of getting things done, ask yourself, is this something I could be developing in me?

Examine whether you are forming bonds based on denigrating others. If so, these bonds are founded in adversity and likely won’t last. Unfortunately, there is also the possibility judgment will next be turned toward you. Create connections based on positive, uplifting similarities in thinking, rather than initiating bonds based on taking someone else down in the process.

Use your judgment of others as a cue to check in with yourself and your thought processes.

Ask yourself: Am I feeling insecure about something? Am I uncertain about where I fit in or afraid of not belonging? Do I need to develop something in me?

Plug back into your individual goals and intentions and behave in line with them. When we focus on what we see as others’ shortcomings, we waste energy that could be better spent on improving our own.

Person sits in meadow on hillsideOne of my favorite books is Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist. It’s a story about a shepherd boy who journeys in search of a treasure about which he has dreamed. What I love about the story is that there are so many life lessons embedded in it. Where you are in your life determines what the salient messages are for you. I will do my best to impart some of the lessons that ring true for me without giving away too much of the story.

1. We must be able to make choices about how to move forward, and perhaps the best way to seek an answer from ourselves is to ask specific questions that require a yes-or-no answer.

There’s a point in The Alchemist when the shepherd receives two stones, one black and one white, signifying “yes” and “no.” The purpose of the stones is to help the boy “read the omens,” or understand the signs the universe is giving him as well as what his intuition is telling him. He is instructed to make his own decisions but is told to ask the stones a clear, objective question, if he struggles, and then go with the answer (black or white stone) he pulls from the bag.

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People who have trouble making decisions sometimes put them off indefinitely, leaving themselves feeling stuck. There are often “signs” that signal us which way to go, but if we are stumped and don’t really know how to proceed, it’s still best that we make a choice. Soon enough, we will know if we are on the right track, and if we aren’t, we can course-correct. The point is to move forward. If we don’t choose, we are electing to stay still and let things remain the same. Not choosing is often the equivalent of not taking action.

When you ask questions of yourself regarding what to do, ask specific ones that reflect what you really want so that the concrete answers you generate propel you forward rather than mire you in further confusion.

2. How we perceive our circumstances has everything to do with motivation, perseverance, and psychological well-being.

There are several examples of this in the story. As the shepherd encounters an unfamiliar place, he originally labels it as “strange” only to subtly change its description to “new” upon further consideration.

If we learn to strategically put our fears aside, and really consider the possibilities that are available to us, we can continue to take steps toward our goals.

The protagonist also shifts his view of himself from “victim” to “adventurer.” And when he takes stock of the fact he has chosen to remain in one spot for a long time on his journey, instead of bemoaning it, he recognizes “he was actually two hours closer to his treasure … the fact that the two hours had stretched into an entire year didn’t matter.” He took note of the progress rather than dwelling on the length of the journey ahead or how long he remained in one particular spot.

Shifting his perception toward the positive and that which was encouraging energized him and enabled him to recommit to his goal of reaching his treasure, rather than retreating to what was safe and already known.

3. Our beliefs about ourselves are incredibly powerful and can enhance or inhibit what we ultimately accomplish.

“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” —Henry Ford

The boy in The Alchemist is tested time and again on his journey. Each time, he is forced to determine just how important his goal is and whether the love he feels and how attuned he is to his inner voice outweighs fear and the discouragement or challenges he receives from others. It is because he so clearly believes in the possibility of his treasure that he is able to persevere in search of it.

4. Fear is what keeps us stuck.

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” —The Alchemist

Coelho illustrates how we hold ourselves back with fear, surrendering to thoughts that tell us we can’t or we aren’t worthy or we might suffer in the process of trying to attain that which we seek. He addresses the fear of failure as well as the fear of success. Coelho points out that “the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” The fear of suffering is often what results in anxiety. It’s being paralyzed by the thought, “What if the worst happens?”

If we learn to strategically put our fears aside, and really consider the possibilities that are available to us, we can continue to take steps toward our goals.

5. Awareness is key. Be able to recognize opportunity.

The Alchemist makes many references to omens, encouraging its protagonist to pay close attention to the here and now, implying that if he is alert he will become more aware of what action to take next. The story explores the concept of the universe offering us clues to see us through to our goals. It suggests if we lose the capacity to pay attention to those clues (by becoming cynical, focused on the negative, or close-minded), they become more scarce, “abandoning” us.

If we approach life’s choices with a sense of clarity and purpose and are aware of the gentle nudges we receive along the way (our intuition and the messages the “universe” seems to send us), if we can separate that from fear and negative beliefs we have about ourselves and the world, then we can carve a path to the things that are important to us, the treasure reserved for each one of us.

What can YOU take away from reading The Alchemist? (If you haven’t read it, I urge you to.)

Reference:

Coelho, P. (2006). The Alchemist. New York, NY: HarperOne.

Elephant holds umbrella over dog with trunkTime and again, people share with me the difficulties they have in asking for help. When I hear this, I’m grateful they found their way to my office, because their first phone call to me was an example of having done so.

We all have moments in our lives when we require the assistance of others. We don’t ever know all there is to know or have the skills to do everything proficiently or successfully. We certainly don’t expect that of others, either. So it makes sense we would have occasion to ask someone for help at some point.

The biggest reason many seem to have for staying stuck rather than reaching out is fear. People fear they will be rejected or told “no,” fear being seen as “less than” or weak, or fear being “found out.”

Being told “no” does not have to be awful. We do not have to weave a story and personalize the rejection (make it about us). It may be that the person we chose to ask didn’t have the appropriate resources to help us at that time. It’s best to accept the “no” as the answer to our request, not a negation of ourselves. A “no” tells us not to waste any more time and energy asking this particular person, and guides us closer to someone who will say “yes.”

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Some equate being vulnerable with being weak, but asking for help takes self-awareness and courage. It’s important to know where our strengths lie and where they don’t. Sometimes the most efficient way to proceed is to focus our efforts where they have the most impact, and implore others to fill in the gaps according to their skill sets, leading to teamwork and collaboration. To be vulnerable is to provide the opportunity to connect and pool resources, thereby resulting in further strength.

The fear of being “found out” is akin to the fear of being exposed as a fraud (impostor syndrome). It can coincide with all-or-nothing thinking or perfectionism—believing that if we don’t know it all, we know next to nothing. In most roles in which we function, whether it be parent, employee, or partner, we are not expected to know it all. There are always opportunities for us to learn and grow. It doesn’t serve us to pretend we have every answer. However, it benefits us and others to know where to go for assistance when we need it, and then to avail ourselves of those resources.

What can you gain by asking for help?

It’s also worthwhile to think about whether you’re willing to help others when asked. If you tend to say “yes” and are maybe even happy to be asked, then perhaps you can better see the value in asking for support from someone else.

Asking for help doesn’t devalue you in any way. It can enable you to advance, connect you meaningfully with others, bolster your productivity and ability to do things with greater ease, and better prepare you for your next challenge.

Teen listening to music lying on grassIf you struggle with anxiety, regardless of whether you’ve been given an official diagnosis, one of the most powerful things you can do is to construct a toolbox of skills and strategies to implement when those thoughts of worry and stress—and their accompanying physiological responses—take hold.

Here are 12 things you may want to include in your toolbox:

  1. Journaling. You don’t have to subscribe to any rules in connection with your journal. Write to relieve your stress and let go of the anxiety you feel. Write and rip, share or don’t, draw or scribble. Externalize your thoughts and feel the relief of having emptied them onto paper.
  2. Music. Assemble various playlists so you have the kind of music you seek when you need it, whether it be soothing songs or those that will energize you if you’re feeling “stuck.”
  3. Creative outlets. Funnel your anxiety into painting, drawing, dancing, writing, sculpting, playing music, singing, decorating, sewing, knitting, photographing, cooking, etc. A creative endeavor can be a healthy outlet for angst and a means of expressing feelings that might cause further suffering if ignored or suppressed. [fat_widget_anxiety_right]
  4. Breaks. Stepping outside to get a breath of fresh air, getting a drink of water, or fixing yourself a cup of tea, having a healthy snack, or reading for a few minutes can all serve as brief diversions to recharge your battery and offer you a bit of calm.
  5. Relaxation skills and breathing exercises. You can download guided exercises or use an app (calm.com and headspace.com are commonly used by people I work with in the therapy room). Just a few minutes of focusing on your breath—consciously breathing in for five seconds and then out for five seconds—can be all you need to bring your anxiety level down a notch or two. Be sure to practice these exercises on a regular basis so they come more naturally to you when you need them (before bed can be an ideal time to do this).
  6. Imagery and visualization. Imagine an upcoming anxiety-producing event going as smoothly as possible. Be sure to engage as many of your senses as possible. You can also visualize a safe, soothing place such as a waterfall, the beach, or a mountaintop, again plugging into the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches the scene might invoke. These skills, too, will serve you best if they are well practiced.
  7. Rehearsing. Rehearsing can help you anticipate, and plan for, “what-ifs” so you feel better prepared. You can role play with others to help diffuse your fear and apprehension and strategize with regard to how to handle potential hurdles in a productive way.
    Combat your negative inner dialogue and perfectionism by letting go of the need to be perfect, and becoming okay with things being just “okay.”
  8. A support network. Who are the people you can talk to and go to for support? Examples might be a parent, sibling, spouse, friend, coach, teacher, religious leader, coworker, mentor, or therapist. Awareness of who is in your network of support can enable you to feel less isolated and alone. Compile your network’s names and numbers so you have them handy when you want to reach out. Be sure to let those people know just how important they are to you.
  9. Positive self-talk. Combat your negative inner dialogue and perfectionism by letting go of the need to be perfect, and becoming okay with things being just “okay.” As you tune in to the negative messages you feed yourself, formulate more appropriate, realistic ones to combat them. Nourish yourself with encouragement and the kinds of messages you’d offer your best friend in the same situation.
  10. Exercise. Funnel your stress and anxiety into physical activity. Give that excess energy and adrenaline a place to work rather than allowing it to manifest in a racing heart or sweating while sitting still.
  11. A list of your accomplishments and thoughts of gratitude. Focus on what you’ve done well, no matter how big or small, as well as on what is going right in the world around you. This can serve to create a big shift in your thoughts. Instead of putting your attention on what might go wrong, which steeps your brain and body in fear, enable positive thoughts and moments to produce as their byproduct other positive thoughts and moments. Success breeds success.
  12. The ability to ask for help. Seeking out appropriate resources when you don’t have all the answers is a wonderful skill worth developing. It helps you feel supported, and you don’t have to remain stuck if you’re unsure which direction to turn.

The most interesting thing about constructing an anxiety toolbox is that, in doing so, many people see their anxiety markedly decrease overall. This is because they now feel equipped, ready to face their anxiety more effectively when stress, upset, or overwhelm attempt to take over.

What will you put in your toolbox?

Vintage journal and fountain penWords have power, so it follows that the process of journaling does, too. It’s a tool I often recommend to the people who see me for therapy.

Some situations in which journaling might be helpful include:

Sometimes people share that they’ve thought about journaling but never moved forward with it. When I explore why that is, it’s often because they saw it as a chore or obligation, something that had to be done the “right” way.

However, there is no right way to journal. The key is to utilize this tool in the way that will work best for you.

You might choose to buy a beautiful book with empty pages, but you could just as easily grab a notecard, a yellow legal pad, or a piece of printer paper and begin.

You need not worry about writing regularly. There’s no rule that says you have to record things daily. Write when you believe it might serve you, not because of an arbitrary “should” that you or someone else has placed on you.

You have the option of sharing what you’ve journaled with others or keeping it private. You decide. You make the rules.

There is no requirement to write full sentences. You can jot down thoughts as they come to you. You can scribble them all over the page if you want and draw lines connecting those that are related to one another, literally connecting the dots of your thoughts in a deliberate way.

Another therapeutic way to journal is to vent on paper all that you are upset about so that you have a sense of expelling that negativity. Give yourself permission to be as “ugly” in these rants as you want so you have the opportunity to empty yourself of toxic thoughts and feelings. Many people resist this at first, fearing others might discover about them what they’ve been trying to hide. In that case, I suggest symbolically ridding yourself of those thoughts and feelings by ripping up the words or shredding them. This act alone can be a powerful one, a moment of triumph over something that was possibly poisoning you from within.

Sometimes people struggle to find the words to express themselves accurately. I encourage such people to draw or sketch what comes to mind. Scribble if need be. Let the pen flow over the paper in a way that mimics how you feel. Even choosing your writing tool might be telling—a pencil’s lead that can be erased as though it never was, a ballpoint that moves smoothly, a colorful marker, a thick, permanent Sharpie. You can grab what’s nearby or you can be more deliberate when selecting.

You have the option of sharing what you’ve journaled with others or keeping it private. You decide. You make the rules.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.