The adoption of a child is an event, fixed in time, with a beginning and an end. However, the impact of adoption is far-reaching and ever-changing—a process that continues throughout the lifespan of the adopted person and those connected.

It’s been my professional experience that many individuals who were adopted share similar symptoms, beliefs, and reactions in the present that stem from the separation trauma of parting from their biological mother at birth. Multiple placements, foster care, or time in an orphanage can exacerbate this trauma.

An infant or child separated from their birth mother will almost certainly experience some level of trauma, as they will perceive this event to be a dangerous situation. The sensations, sights, and sounds with which they were familiar are gone, and the mother is no longer available to soothe the child or help the child self-regulate. Because the only part of the brain fully developed at birth is the brain stem—this controls the sympathetic nervous system, which generates the “fight, flight, or freeze” response—babies are unable to use parasympathetic abilities, such as self-soothing. When this happens before the age of 3, it is encoded as implicit memory—like any event that takes place before the development of language. As noted trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk explains in his book The Body Keeps the Score, “We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, brain, and body.”

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Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is an integrative therapy originally developed by Francine Shapiro to alleviate distress associated with traumatic memories. When a traumatic event occurs or something happens that is perceived as traumatic, the associated memories may become stored in the brain and nervous system in a maladaptive way—frozen rather than processed. Current reactions are fueled by negative beliefs stemming from events that occurred in the past. People become stuck. In some cases, trauma that happened years ago continues to feel like it’s happening in the present.

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EMDR therapy targets the unprocessed memory as well as the emotions, beliefs, and body sensations associated with it. Bilateral stimulation (generally eye movements, tapping, or tones) activates the brain’s information processing system, allowing the old memories to be digested or reprocessed and stored in an adaptive way—even if the person doesn’t have an autobiographical account of the memory. For many adoptees, the trauma happened before they developed the language to explain the events, so the memory is primarily somatic in nature and stored in the nervous system.

Many adoptees have issues related to attachment ruptures. An adopted child whose parent is a few minutes late to pick them up from school may dissolve into tears. The internalized belief or negative cognition that child develops may sound something like “It’s not safe to trust” or “People I love leave me.” An adult who was adopted may unknowingly recreate abandonment scenarios in relationships, unconsciously choosing partners who are not truly available and do leave, fulfilling the negative belief “I am not worth it” or “I am not lovable.”

Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps integrate the early memories, body sensations, emotions, and negative beliefs the person has. Over a series of sessions, symptoms are reduced, and beliefs associated with the memories or experience are shifted to a more positive and adaptive state.

In both examples, the reaction in the present is disproportionate to the situation. This is useful information that some feeling, experience, or memory from the past is being triggered. A much younger “self” is running the show. The fight, flight, or freeze response gets activated in these situations, and the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain in charge of executive functioning and decision making, goes offline. The person may feel disregulated, scared, and confused.

So what does a typical EMDR session with an adopted person look like?

After gathering history and establishing rapport, the therapist and person in therapy work together to establish target memories and present triggers that are causing suffering and/or interfering with daily life. The “targets” are the starting points of the session and a point of reference to trace the memory back in time. Using bilateral stimulation, EMDR helps integrate the early memories, body sensations, emotions, and negative beliefs the person has. Over a series of sessions, symptoms are reduced, and beliefs associated with the memories or experience are shifted to a more positive and adaptive state.

Rather than the belief “I’m not lovable,” the person may be able to recognize and have a felt sense of worth despite what happened in the past. In my work with adopted individuals, I combine various EMDR protocols, guided imagery, mindfulness practices, and visualization to create calm states and nurturing figures in the present to help heal the wounds of the past.

EMDR is safe, effective, noninvasive, and powerful. It does not involve medication or hypnosis, and I’ve found it a wonderful adjunct to talk therapy in my work with people who were adopted. If you want or need support on your healing journey, find an EMDR therapist in your area.

Reference:

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. London, UK: Penguin Books.

“They say they understand, but how can someone who wasn’t adopted know what it feels like?”

Sixteen-year-old Lisa’s voice trails off as she explains the many frustrating conversations she’s had with her friends about adoption. The other teens sitting in the room nod their heads in agreement.

“I know, right?” adds Jake, 15. “How can they possibly know what it feels like to miss the mom who gave birth to you or why sometimes birthdays are really hard? Not to mention how uncomfortable it is to hear for the zillionth time, ‘Where were you born?’ because I’m a different race than my [adoptive] parents.”

More nods from the group.

“You guys get it,” laughs Adam. “That’s what’s so cool about this group. We don’t even have to explain ourselves.”

This conversation is one of many that seem to occur each time a group of adopted teens come together for the support group I co-facilitate in my community. In the group, teens can exchange stories and give and get support. Whether they are talking directly about adoption or not, the common thread of a shared experience puts them on a similar playing field and helps them “feel felt.”

Where Do You Belong?

[fat_widget_right]The experience of “not belonging” is common among those who were adopted. Coming together with others dissolves separations. Most teens come to the first group coaxed by parents, who often explain, “She probably won’t say too much” or “I don’t think he’ll want to stay, so maybe I’ll just sit outside.” That said, we have a 100% return rate so far! The teens who “won’t say too much” are frequently the ones who open up and expose their vulnerabilities as they share intimate details of their adoption stories to a group that welcomes each detail and listens attentively.

Participants in Teen AdoptCONNECT, our support group, include teens who were adopted transracially and domestically, as well as foster and former foster youth. Bringing together teens with varying stories and experiences allows teens to normalize similar issues on a bigger scale. It also further emphasizes the fact that they are not alone, that they belong to a “tribe.”

AdoptCONNECT is another unique group that invites all adult members of the adoption and foster care community to come together to give and get support. Adult adoptees, adoptive parents, former foster youth, first/birth parents, and waiting parents sit side by side, exchanging stories, fears, challenges, struggles, and wisdom. Members share thoughts and emotions openly and honestly without the worry of hurting someone’s feelings, all while coming to the realization they are not alone.

You’re Not the Only One

Support groups are an essential place to express feelings, give and get support, build lasting connections, and ultimately “feel felt.” The importance of sharing experiences with those who are walking a similar path as you cannot be over emphasized. It is pretty powerful to witness the exchange between an adult adoptee and adoptive parents of an adolescent.

“What did you need?” the parents ask.

The adult adoptee takes a few seconds and tearfully responds, “I needed my parents to realize that I thought about adoption all of the time growing up and that being curious about my biological family wasn’t a threat to them. I wish I could have shared my thoughts with them.”

An adoptive mom cries in relief after hearing another adoptive parent express similar feelings about sometimes not feeling good enough as a parent. “Wow, I thought I was the only one who felt that way.”

Why Support Groups Can Be So Important

My colleague and I started these adoption support groups to serve an unmet need in our community. The groups provide a place for the adoption and foster care community to come together and share stories, ideas, and concerns in a safe environment. Support groups are an essential place to express feelings, give and get support, build lasting connections, and ultimately “feel felt.” The importance of sharing experiences with those who are walking a path similar to yours cannot be overemphasized.

I encourage you to join a group or start a group if you are a member of this community. If you need help with this, please contact me for guidance.

“Happy birthday!”

Colorful balloons are carefully tied to the picnic table as giggling 8-year-olds play hide-and-seek in the backyard. The pink and white frosted cake is about to be cut, but the birthday girl isn’t in sight. Her mom eventually finds her quietly playing alone in her room and gently asks, “What’s going on?”

Normally outgoing, the girl, adopted at birth, had been excited in the days leading to her celebration, helping with the plans and decorating invitations. Today, however, she awoke visibly upset and announced to her parents, “I don’t want a birthday party anymore!”

A member of a group I facilitate for adopted teens explains, “My birthday is an extremely hard day for me. It’s really bad. I feel sad and angry and just bad.”

“Me too!” another teen chimes in. “I’ve never liked my birthday, and Mother’s Day is sometimes hard, too.”

It’s not uncommon for adopted children, teens, and even adults to have conflicting feelings about birthdays and other dates of note. Small children may not even understand why and may need the adults in their lives to help put words to their complex feelings.

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Birthdays are often the day infants are separated from their biological mothers. This separation, an undeniably traumatic event, is stored in the brain and body as an implicit memory because the separation takes place before language develops. The memory becomes embodied and can later be triggered without conscious knowledge.

Mother’s Day can be difficult because while one mother is celebrated, the other may not be mentioned. Other holidays may be challenging as an adopted person thinks about his or her biological family. A 16-year-old adoptee shares, “I think about my [biological mom] a lot during Christmas. I hope she’s doing OK and celebrating. I wonder what her traditions are and I wonder if she’s thinking about me? I miss her even though I don’t know her.”

Difficulty navigating holidays and birthdays may be compounded for children and teens who have been in multiple placements or foster homes before they were adopted. Each year may mark a different memory and an additional loss.

Adoptive parents should be sensitive to their child’s experience and remember that their child’s history began before they became a family. This is also true for children adopted at birth or in early infancy. They, too, had a history prior to being adopted.

Parents can help put language to the felt experience for their child. They can empathically respond to a child who is visibly struggling by reminding themselves that their child is likely experiencing implicit feelings. They can make the implicit explicit by expressing curiosity and naming the feelings, which may include sadness, anger, and grief and loss. Parents might say something like, “Your birthday is the day you were born, and I wonder if part of you remembers this is also the day your birthmother made the difficult decision to have someone else raise you?”

On Mother’s Day and other holidays, parents can “say” what is not being said by celebrating and acknowledging their child’s birth mom and genetic relatives. They can ask their child about what they are experiencing and validate any and all feelings. Families might decide together to incorporate customs, traditions, and special foods of a child’s country of origin into their existing traditions. If the adoption is an open one, parents can make contact with their child’s biological family.

It’s OK for parents to give themselves permission to get creative and think outside the box. Most importantly, parents should strive to see the world from their child’s point of view and imagine how difficult it may be for the child to integrate the inherent split adoption creates. Adopted children and teens want and need their parents to be their advocates at birthdays, holidays, and every day, and to lead the conversations until they feel comfortable doing so.