Do the sluggish days of winter have you feeling like you’re in “autopilot mode”? Perhaps you catch yourself living for the weekends, keeping them jam-packed and exciting—something to look forward to on the calendar. In contrast, on weekdays you may come home from work feeling uninspired and flattened, having barely seen daylight.

Here are five small changes that can impact your happiness and contentment on a day-to-day level, no matter the season.

1. Wake Up Mindfully

You may find yourself reaching for your phone first thing in the morning to silence the alarm, then autopiloting into checking email, apps, weather, and more. I challenge you to resist the urge to tune into something external to begin your day. Instead, begin from within.

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The screen time might help shake your grogginess, but it also has the potential to jar you from your mindful calm into a more stressful state. Creating a morning ritual, such as a quiet cup of coffee, soft music, or journaling may help you tune into yourself before you step out into the chaotic world.

2. Set an Intention for the Day

Setting an intention could be as simple as, “Today I will schedule my time in a way such that I am not in too much of a hurry,” or, “Today I will be patient with myself.” Let the intention guide your actions throughout the day, thinking of it as a lighthouse to return to when things become stressful or trying.

Once you get into the habit of it, this simple practice can help you to live with more intention rather than going through the motions. Write your intention on a sticky note if that helps; it can be as short as a few words.

3. Take the Scenic Route

Embrace the unexpected. One of the ways in which we most often fall into “autopilot” is being too stuck in our routines. Driving an unusual route to work or taking a different train may add a few more minutes to your commute, but studies have shown that switching up the norm can have cognitive benefits, allowing you to problem-solve and utilize areas of your brain that may have otherwise gone dormant.

Enjoy the scenery! Life is about the journey, not the destination.

These five practices share some common themes—each allows you to shake up your norm, find inspiration in the simple rather than the complex, and find connection.

4. Connect with Others

Every seemingly mundane encounter is an opportunity for two people to connect; when we do it, it feels good! It could be as simple as chatting with the person who delivers your mail for a bit longer than usual, or as elaborate as calling an old friend on your lunch break rather than tackling a stack of work emails.

Connecting can also boost your intelligence: Researchers have found that conversing and considering others’ perspectives may improve executive brain function and cognitive abilities in the attention and memory centers. It’s good for both the heart and mind!

5. Connect with Nature

It may be tougher to find ways to connect with nature when the sky is colder and darker, but I challenge you to do so as you would in warmer weather—perhaps standing outside your car for a few minutes to look at the stars or bundling up to spend a few moments on your deck with a cup of tea. Nature allows for the unexpected and creative moments that you may not find on your couch. You may see animals, hear sounds, or simply relax into the moment.

Research has shown time and time again there are psychological benefits to being in nature: A study published by Stanford University had one group of participants take a 90-minute walk through a city, whereas the other group took a walk through the woods. The group who walked in the woods had reduced blood flow to the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that causes ruminating and anxious thoughts.

These five practices share some common themes—each allows you to shake up your norm, find inspiration in the simple rather than the complex, and find connection. Defaulting to “autopilot mode” is often a result of loneliness or a lack of inspiration, and implementing mindfulness into your daily routine can be an antidote to both.

For more ideas, contact a licensed therapist in your area.

References:

1. Gilkey, R., & Kilts, C. (2007). Cognitive Fitness. Retrieved from https://hbr.org/2007/11/cognitive-fitness
2. Jordan, R. (2015, June 30). Stanford researchers find mental health prescription: Nature. Retrieved from https://news.stanford.edu/2015/06/30/hiking-mental-health-063015/
3. Sage Publications. (2008, February 19). Does Socializing Make Us Smarter? Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080215135707.htm

“Why didn’t I just listen to myself—I knew what I needed to do all along and I ignored it!”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Trusting our gut is tricky business, and the self-criticism that occurs after we choose to ignore what feels right adds an extra layer of disappointment to the mix.

I’m in the business of believing every person knows deep down what they need. Contrary to common belief, it is not my job as a therapist to give advice or tell a person what is right for them. It’s to guide the process of uncovering authenticity and self-trust—trust that may be buried within a person after years of second-guessing, self-doubt, and self-sacrifice.

So why do we turn away from our intuition when an inner voice is whisper-screaming for us to follow our gut reactions?

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• We don’t want to be “wrong.” Close your eyes for a moment and think of everyone in your life, past and present, including yourself. Who has been your harshest critic? For most of us, this is typically ourselves. Part of the lifelong work of learning to trust your intuition is to stop judging yourself so harshly when you make mistakes: those things that help us learn, grow, and challenge us to look at the bigger picture. Let yourself be “wrong” sometimes! Embracing your inner voice must be accompanied by a release of perfectionism and criticism for missteps. Those missteps are a part of the journey, and intuition is what ultimately allows us to regain our footing on the path.
• We don’t want the onus to fall solely on us. Making group decisions or trusting the judgment of others rather than our own comes with the benefit of not having to carry that pesky burden of potentially being “wrong.” It often feels nicer to have someone else to blame, which allow us to stay stuck in a victim role and shake off responsibility for our own choices. But while blaming others might feel soothing in the short-term, staying stuck in victim role keeps us wading in a river of indecision, confusion, and inability to trust. It can feel scary to recognize that at the end of the day, each decision we make rests fully on our shoulders, but it is also an empowering tool that allows us to fully live our lives—on no one’s terms but our own.
• We believe there is only one correct choice. Releasing the binaries of “black and white,” “good and bad,” and “right and wrong” is an essential step toward trusting our intuition. If we believe there is only one choice that will get us to where we need to go and we’re not certain what that is, of course we will be afraid to listen to our intuition! These binaries and dogmatisms make life feel absolute. In reality, life’s circuitous path is anything but. Having faith that at any given moment we are where we are meant to be, and that every choice we make is the “right” choice for our current circumstances, allows us to move freely, follow intuition, and most importantly, trust.

Trusting intuition takes daily practice, and no choice is too small to start with.

Trusting intuition takes daily practice, and no choice is too small to start with. If your gut tells you to walk down a side street on your way home, listen to it. If you get a strange sense you’d connect deeply with a new acquaintance but have only met once, don’t leave without getting their contact information. We dismiss our gut reactions as silly or “nothing” many times throughout each day, but these small moments can be practice for bigger life choices that are informed by intuition: where to live, who to marry, or when to embark on a fresh start.

Today is the perfect day to begin releasing self-blame, owning each decision, and tossing out those “rights and wrongs” in order to start uncovering that wonderful voice that’s the only one worth listening to: your own.

The dreadful memory may rush to your mind in an instant: taking a phone call from your child, partner, or friend and learning they were the victim of rape or sexual assault. Your mind may still be flooded with questions months or years later, and you may be struggling to move on from what happened even while doing everything you can to help your loved one move forward.

The support of friends, family, and significant others is essential to rebuilding trust and reducing shame in the aftermath of sexual trauma. In fact, loved ones are often the primary sources of support if a victim is not yet ready to seek therapy or explore other paths of healing.

As a friend, partner, or parent, you may feel lost or concerned about saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Perhaps you wonder how to proceed with a conversation that may hold a great deal of pain for both of you. Consider the guidelines below on how to best provide nonjudgmental empathy, compassion, and support to a loved one who was raped or sexually assaulted.

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1. Let the Details Emerge at Your Loved One’s Pace

You may want answers: “Have you told the school administration?” “Do your friends know who the attacker is?” “Were there any warning signs that this was going to happen?” “Was there alcohol involved?”

Your loved one may not have even considered these questions, however, or may still be in a state of shock. Although answers may help you understand what happened, the focus should be on providing support for them. Also, consider how it might feel to be questioned in this way—it might evoke a sense of blame or guilt, as though a person could or should have done something differently to avoid the incident.

Let the details unfold naturally, on your loved one’s terms, and keep questions to a minimum. Recognize your loved one will share the details they find important to tell you—on their timeline.

2. Check In … Gently

As a psychotherapist, I hear many instances of rape survivors feeling disappointed that their friends or family no longer ask how they are doing in coping with their trauma. The most common reason for this seems to be some variation of, “I don’t want to bring it up since I know it upsets you.” It can indeed be upsetting, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be processed.

Simple check-ins without prying for details—such as “I’m thinking of you today; how are your therapy sessions going?” or “Is there anything I can do to help with what you’re feeling?”—may reassure your friend, child, or partner they have your support. Although you might feel like you’re protecting your loved one by not asking how they’re doing, consider the possibility you are only protecting yourself from your difficult feelings while they are still struggling with their own.

Gentle check-ins can remind your loved one you are still an option for support, even months or years after the incident.

There is no “right” way to process and heal from sexual assault—for the survivor or for you. By providing gentle and nonjudgmental support for your loved one, you support them in taking back control.

3. Respect Their Choices, Even If You Don’t Understand Them

The best path to your loved one’s healing may seem obvious to you: “Take some time off of school, join a support group, press charges, and incorporate healthy activities!” This might be how you might choose to heal and move forward, but there is no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with trauma.

A large number of sexual assaults go unreported, and for a host of reasons: the victim may fear retribution, dread the thought of facing their attacker in court, or feel ill-prepared to have their most difficult life event publicized. By pressuring your loved one to handle things your way, you inhibit their ability to choose—an option that was also removed from them at the time of their rape or assault. It can be painful to re-experience this when a person is seeking support.

There is no “right” way to process and heal from sexual assault—for the survivor or for you. By providing gentle and nonjudgmental support for your loved one, you support them in taking back control. Remember: this person told you for a reason, and that reason was likely that they trusted they would receive unconditional love and empathy from a person who cares.

Your healing and processing are important, too. Be sure to practice self-care strategies and/or seek support from a therapist if you are struggling to cope.