Stress is a normal, functional part of life; it serves many purposes. The proverbial “tiger in the room” sort of stress tells us when things need to change. It may also inform us when we need to take a break. But if stress is not managed properly over time, it can cause lasting damage to our bodies and minds.

When most of us consider stress, we think of it as a negative force in our lives—one to be avoided at all costs and managed quickly when it appears. As you might imagine, avoidance is not often the best tool for becoming more adept at managing stress when it does inevitably occur. This is where the subtle differences between stress management and stress reduction begin to show.

The Difference Between Stress Management and Reduction

Stress management is the set of skills we use to cope with and move through the process of experiencing stress. Stress reduction, on the other hand, is what we do with the rest of our time. I like to think of stress reduction as how we mold our environment and adapt to make ourselves less vulnerable to life’s everyday stressors.

From this perspective, it is easier to see that we must cultivate a daily practice that minimizes the impact of stress to become better at handling it. Instead of waiting for stress to occur and tackling each stressor as it pops up, try using your downtime, or low-stress time, to reflect on what causes you stress. Looking for ways to protect yourself from future stress may prove more productive.

Both in my personal life and in the experiences my clients relay to me, I have found stress reduction often involves the same set of coping skills that are used to manage our stress response. The main difference is that to reduce stress, we must practice these skills when we are not actually stressed out.

Using Reflection to Manage Stress

The next time you find yourself working through a stressful moment, take time afterwards to consider what helped you. Was it deep, purposeful breathing, taking a walk, writing, talking to a friend, or petting your dog? Was it practicing radical acceptance to allow the stressful moment to pass, or was it setting a timeline to accomplish the task that was causing stress in the first place?

The next time you find yourself working through a stressful moment, take time afterwards to consider what helped you.

Once we build up a network of skills we know to be impactful, we can start to practice them in times of little or no stress. This creates a new pattern for reacting to stress. You are still reaping the benefits of the stress management exercises—lowered blood pressure, clearer state of mind, heightened connection to self and others—while not having to combat your stress hormones. Instead of starting at the top of a mountain and fighting your way back to its base, you are building up your stress tolerance by starting at base and consistently practicing your skills.

Climbing the Mountain: Moving Toward Stress Reduction

We cannot lower our overall sensitivity to stress by only practicing skills to reduce it in times of stress. So how can we go from stress management to stress reduction? It may be worthwhile to examine your environment and daily habits. How are you making time to practice your coping skills when there is nothing to cope with? Are you working with what you already know about yourself, or are you constantly trying new coping skills without reflecting on how they serve you? By shifting the way we think about coping skills from something only used in times of distress to something we can use when at our best, we cultivate an environment where stress reduction is part of daily living.

If you are struggling to know how you can start cultivating an environment that makes you less susceptible to stress, consider reaching out to a therapist in your area. With expert guidance, you can work towards building a more effective stress management routine and make your overall environment less stressful.

Anger is a strong emotion, one that has been conditioned or taught out of many women from an early age. We are taught instead to cry, stuff it, and otherwise dissemble, or hide our true feelings. It seems that, for many women, anger is simply not an acceptable emotion to have, much less show.

As a woman and as a therapist, I have often delved into the angry sides of the women I work with, helping them explore avenues to use and express that anger more honestly and safely. I encourage women to acknowledge their anger, even as a secondary emotion, because I view it as part of a complete human’s vast array of complex emotional experiences.

How Anger and Vulnerability Intersect

Recently, I have started to wonder about the intersection of female anger and vulnerability. Through my own work with a therapist, I began to recognize that my own anger often masked the very real hurt I was feeling, and that I would often choose anger over vulnerability. In those moments, I would feel strong, powerful, and righteous. But then I would be left feeling empty, incomplete, and full of anxiety that I had acted poorly. Expressing my anger, especially before I had time to reflect on the situation, never left me feeling that I had expressed myself well or fully. The differences between reacting and responding never felt clearer to me than in the aftermath of an angry interaction. In short, anger was a crapshoot—one I had been the proud standard-bearer of with those I worked with in therapy.

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In my opinion, female empowerment—when it comes to emotions, at least—has always been about finding ways to no longer feel ashamed of anything that made me a woman. In other words, empowerment meant my ability to be loudly and proudly feminine, masculine, sad, happy, silly, or sexy without worrying that I was acting “wrong.” What I hadn’t realized was that couched in this empowerment was a deep-seated personal belief that to be vulnerable was to be female—this was something I struggled with greatly. I found that to be proudly angry whenever I felt it was the better of two options. That is, until I noticed my anger never left me feeling true to myself.

The question of how to be vulnerable while honoring underlying feelings such as anger is an interesting one. I’ve had to ask myself, “Why do I feel this way? What am I actually sad about?” I visualize myself as a coin. The glaring, shiny side is my anger, but the other side—a little rusty from lack of use—is, nine times out of 10, my hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear. These emotions are often heavy and numbing, not at all the powerful motivating force I was used to when I simply embraced my anger to my own detriment. Vulnerability, my rusty side of the coin, was the missing ingredient preventing me from acknowledging my full emotional experience.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief.

My eureka moment, if I can call it that, was when I realized that if I knew anger was a secondary emotion, I needed to start using it as a secondary emotion. In other words, I needed to take the time to reflect on what I was feeling, making sure to acknowledge the rusty side of my coin, and then choose how to respond based on that rusty side. My anger, the secondary emotion, could wait. It wasn’t going to move me forward in a way I felt good about.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief. Some of the weight is lifted from my shoulders, and I have more clarity around what I want as an end result, whether this is restored connection, mutual understanding, forgiveness, or love.

The new stance I take is helping the women I work with find their own crossroads with difficult emotions. While I believe anger is still a relatively difficult emotion for women, I can now offer a more balanced perspective on honoring the emotion while also looking underneath it to determine potential next steps.

Knowing the differences between responding and reacting, finding ways to slow down and consider the hoped-for outcome of a difficult interaction, and checking in with the rusty side of the coin are all parts of the process I now use when anger shows up—in myself and in the people I work with.

If you have been struggling with difficult emotions, I hope you will seek support from a therapist or counselor to help provide clarity, compassion, and a safe space to work through self-judgement and achieve a more complete sense of self.

Reference:

Sladek Nowlis, R. (2000, January 28). Comparison of anger expression in men and women reveals surprising differences. University of California San Francisco News Center. Retrieved from https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2000/01/5027/comparison-anger-expression-men-and-women-reveals-surprising-differen

As an eating disorder therapist, I work with people in all stages of their recovery journey. One question I am often asked is, “How do I move from body dissatisfaction to body acceptance?”

To answer, I often remind the person I’m working with to focus on the function of the body instead of its form. I remind them to take note of—and express gratitude for—the everyday motions and actions that are feasible because of their body.

We can all benefit from learning to relish the genuine sparks of affection and admiration we have for ourselves when we get a new haircut, put together a fresh outfit, or put on that one pair of pants we know really make our butt look great. With time and practice, these moments of self-admiration can lead to an internal dialogue that is centered on appreciation and gratitude for our bodies instead of a dialogue that is judgmental and focused on finding our flaws.

While some may have been told to spend time engaging in positive affirmations, forcing ourselves to repeat “I am beautiful” often falls flat. There is certainly a time and a place for positive affirmations, but without a dedicated practice through which we train ourselves to think differently about our bodies, those affirmations are not likely to take us very far. [fat_widget_right]

The ‘Appearance Ideal’ and Cognitive Dissonance

I recently read through The Body Project’s structured group manual, which aims to decrease body dissatisfaction and harmful eating behaviors by increasing cognitive dissonance around the “appearance ideal.” The appearance ideal describes the widely accepted portrayal of the “perfect” female body: a figure that is slim and toned but still curvy (breasts and buttocks). The Body Project intervention, which challenges this ideal through cognitive dissonance, is a fascinating concept that has been tested rigorously over the years with overall positive results. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, this intervention can reduce the risk of eating disorders.

We can all use cognitive dissonance concepts and activities (these might range from verbally combating the appearance ideal to taking personal action against it) in our everyday lives. It is my belief that doing so can do a great deal to help us find that body acceptance we are striving for.

The cover image I see doesn’t depict a person as they are in reality. Rather, it illustrates what society tells me I should look like, despite the fact that such a goal is not realistic or healthfully attainable. By reminding myself of this, I am increasing my cognitive dissonance and ultimately challenging the unspoken belief many of us have unwittingly bought into—the idea that we must look a certain way or, at the very least, be striving to change ourselves, in order to be accepted by society.

Let’s begin by verbalizing statements that counter the appearance ideal. For example, we might maintain an internal dialogue as we confront the daily barrage of advertisements, TV shows, and even people we see who spark that societal idealization of thinness. I have found the checkout line in the grocery stores to be a perfect space for this, as any number of magazines featuring ultra-slender models staring at me (and my cart full of groceries) can usually be found here. When I see these magazines, I find it helpful to remind myself of the amount of effort it likely took to portray those (frequently female) models in that way. “How costly were the clothes?” I might ask myself. “How many pins did it take to make them lay just so?” “How much photo editing went into making sure no creases, dimples, or freckles were visible?”

I then take a deep breath and verbalize what I know is true: The magazine serves no other purpose than to sell itself. The cover image I see doesn’t depict a person as they are in reality. Rather, it illustrates what society tells me I should look like, despite the fact that such a goal is not realistic or healthfully attainable. By reminding myself of this, I am increasing my cognitive dissonance and ultimately challenging the unspoken belief many of us have unwittingly bought into—the idea that we must look a certain way or, at the very least, be striving to change ourselves, in order to be accepted by society.

We can also take action to increase that cognitive dissonance within ourselves. The Body Project’s manual describes an activity that might be a good place to start!

• Stand in front of a mirror, naked or minimally clothed. Study yourself and list 10 things you like about yourself. You can choose qualities that are emotional, intellectual, or social, but some of them should also be physical attributes. The activity has no other limits.

Many find the above exercise to be helpful and empowering, but it can be difficult to enter this space with ourselves. The activity requires women in particular to challenge many social norms, beginning with ideas that women should be modest or humble. Many women may never have been encouraged to (and may have been actively discouraged from) calling attention to things they like about themselves.

If you’re familiar with the movie Mean Girls, this may call to mind the scene where the three friends (Regina, Gretchen, and Karen) dutifully observe and call out their flaws to one another and seem shocked when Cady, the newcomer, struggles to find something negative to say about herself. Developing a vocabulary of positive attributes associated with our bodies tends to make it more difficult to fall into an automatic flaw-finding mentality. Again, this takes practice. I encourage you to try it once a week and see how your list might change. Stop yourself and breathe if you notice only negative attributes, and challenge yourself to see function over form. For example, you might think of your feet as just feet. But consider what purpose they serve in your life. If it feels too daunting to identify 10 items at first, start with one and slowly build up from there.

Maintaining a Practice of Gratitude in Public

It’s one thing to be able to privately have these empowering conversations with ourselves. But it can be quite another to bring these ideas into the light. How can we strive to maintain our practice of gratitude toward our bodies in the public arena? My personal challenge is to change the dialogue if I notice friends getting sucked into “diet” talk or if I hear them highlighting aspects of their bodies they want to change.

I have found that sharing a personal belief, such as “All foods are good foods in my book” can help to shift the conversation into less negative territory. Another tactic you might try is sharing your personal gratitude for your body with others. Notice how amazing it is that your legs can carry you on walks or hikes with friends, or appreciate the dexterity of your fingers as you maneuver chopsticks.

It can also be helpful to publicly state your boundaries around body talk. For example, you might say there’s no negative body talk allowed in your home. Follow through with these boundaries by reinforcing positive body talk and redirecting conversation in a way that challenges the appearance ideal.

These concepts and practices can help us build ourselves up through positive body talk and combat the appearance ideal found in the media and daily life. Ultimately, they can also help us find a path to greater body acceptance. By continuously challenging our society’s unrealistic body ideals, we can internally shift our dialogue about our own bodies and ultimately the environment we find ourselves in.

If you or someone you know is struggling with body image, consider speaking to an compassionate and qualified therapist or eating disorder specialist in your area.

References:

1. Home/Get involved: The body project. (2016). National Eating Disorder Association. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-involved/the-body-project
2. The body project. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.bodyprojectsupport.org
3. Stice, E., Shaw, H., & Rohde, P. (n.d.). Body acceptance class maunal: Enhanced-dissonance version. Retrieved from http://www.bodyprojectsupport.org/assets/pdf/materials/bodyproject4sessionscriptandhandouts.pdf

When I was 13 years old, I was a huge fan of “I Dream of Jeannie,” a show from the 1960s about a female genie who lives with her male “master” in his suburban home in the United States. Setting aside the psychoanalysis of my choice of character, when Halloween rolled around that year, I was desperate to obtain an I Dream of Jeannie Halloween costume. I remember having to convince my parents to let me buy the costume and how, due to the midriff-baring top and translucent pink pant legs, I had to compromise by wearing a nude leotard and pink tights underneath the costume in order to go trick-or-treating.

Thinking back on this encounter, I am flummoxed. Why, at 13 years old, was I already so aware of the fact that showing my belly and legs, something done every summer at the beach without restrictions or shame, was somehow different when done on October 31^st?

Gendered Marketing of Halloween Costumes

The question of what is appropriate dress on Halloween is not a new one, especially for women and girls. The gendered marketing of costumes increasingly makes the news as consumers become more aware of the choices, or lack thereof, presented in stores. Research has shown that, out of eight archetypal categories available for costume choices, women are typically presented with only two: overtly feminine heroes and overtly infantilized, non-human characters such as animals (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017). [fat_widget_right]

This matters in ways that go far beyond a seemingly innocuous holiday. When we sexualize a female warrior or infantilize a lion we are removing agency and power from what that character initially represents. A female warrior doesn’t exist to do battle so much as to showcase her legs; a lion isn’t here to terrorize the Serengeti but rather to passively twirl its beribboned tail at others. A modern woman who wants to dress up as Batman will, in all probability, be unable to find a simple Batman costume. Instead, options will be cute, sexy, and/or unrealistic (i.e. wearing high heels to fight crime). In other words, the original intention of Halloween—disguising oneself in ways outside the “norm”—now includes an unspoken demand for women: above all else, we must still be able to be recognized and seen as female.

Why is this? Some research has gone so far as to wonder if infantilized and/or sexualized costumes for young women are as prevalent as they are in order to reinforce underlying gender roles and myths about the lack of female competence and ability, especially considering that the uptick in availability of these types of costumes starts at an age when young women are beginning to learn about their own agency and sexuality (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hyers, 2017).

Another point to consider as we get closer to Halloween is the idea of sexual expression as a form of independence or freedom. Third-wave feminism has presented self-sexualization, even with intentions to attract the sexual gaze, as proof of female liberation and agency (Erchull & Liss, 2013). Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Reclaiming the female body, including how it’s dressed and for what purpose, makes the idea of dressing up as a cutesy lion or sexy warrior seem like more of an inside joke and expression of power. In other words, it can become a sort of “wink-wink” among women who know the marketers’ game and have decided to play along—but only because we feel like it.

Celebrating our sexuality through overt dress can absolutely be a part of empowerment. However, with this empowerment comes the double-edged sword women carry of being responsible for our own safety. Research abounds regarding so-called violence prevention that rests solely on the shoulders of women, putting heightened scrutiny on our abilities to reign in our bodies and the choices we make regarding how we showcase them (Crooks, Goodall, Hughes, Jaffe, and Baker 2007). Dressing scantily on Halloween, viewed through this lens, becomes not only a rebellious act but also one that carries an undertone of risk, however unwarranted. (Unwarranted, because of course, sexual harassment, assault, or other violence is never the fault of any victim for any reason.

Awareness and Safety: Make Halloween Fun Again

Can Halloween just be fun again? With a few considerations, I think so. The main takeaways here, I believe, are the importance of (1) awareness and (2) fostering a community of safety.

First, let’s separate the costume from the person. After all, the original intent of Halloween was to disguise oneself from evil spirits (Sullivan, Hipple, and Hayes, 2017). By reminding ourselves of this fact, we can allow a sexy cat costume to simply be a costume, not necessarily a reflection of, or invitation to, the person underneath. Next, it’s important for everyone to remember that no costume is ever an indication of or substitute for consent. Finally, let’s all work to continue the push for greater choice when it comes to female costumes, across all age ranges. This will allow Halloween to be a part of healthy experimentation for young folks, and perhaps more inclusive of people of all genders, rather than a siphoning point for “boys vs. girls.”

It’s also helpful to encourage ourselves and others to increase our media literacy. Our ability to decode the underlying messages presented via commercials, magazines, and yes, even Halloween costume packaging allows us to become more aware of what we are consuming and better able to make choices reflective of our actual desires.

I’ll leave you with another costume story. When I was 10, I had a burning desire to be Elvis Presley for Halloween. There were no Elvis Presley costumes to be found in the stores, so my mom set out to make me one. She helped me pin up my hair in a faux duck-tail swoop, spray-painted it black, and helped me draw on cartoonishly large eyebrows so that my oft-practiced lip snarl would have corresponding eyebrow movements. My legs were so sore that night from pulling one too many hip-swivel and finger point moves. Looking back, I’m amazed my parents felt more confident in my dressing as a male who was an actual sex symbol than my showing off my female body in a Jeannie costume.

Perhaps with more awareness, choice, and body positivity, the next generation of Jeannies and Elvis Presleys can be free to dress up without toting along all the other baggage.

References:

1. Sullivan, J., Hipple, E., & Hyers, L. (2017). Female disempowerment disguised as a Halloween costume. The Open Family Studies Journal, 2017(9), 60-75.
2. Erchull, M. J., & Liss, M. (2013). Feminists who flaunt it: Exploring the enjoyment of sexualization among young feminist women. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 2013(43), 2341-2349.
3. Crooks, C. V., Goodall, G. R., Hughes, R., Jaffe, P. G., & Baker, L. L. (2007). Engaging men and boys in         preventing violence against women: Applying a cognitive behavioral approach. Violence against Women, 13(3), 217-239.