Man stands near window, looking at his reflectionImagine these people: a professor at an elite university, a stay-at-home mother, and someone with depression. Labels like these are abbreviated ways of describing prominent aspects of ourselves and others, each one evoking a specific image in our minds.

Using labels in this way, as we all do to some degree or another, helps us make sense of a complex world. Yet attaching too much significance to these labels can limit personal growth and inhibit relationships. What is it that these labels really tell us about these individuals or, for that matter, ourselves?

How Labels Can Limit

Consider the professor who has defined himself largely through his career but is soon retiring. Perhaps the idea of no longer teaching and being viewed as a subject-matter expert elicits feelings of inadequacy. Or think about the stay-at-home-mother whose life circumstances force her to take a full-time job. Although her choice may be what’s best for the family, she may struggle with feelings of guilt for being less present for her children. Maybe the depressed individual has difficulty even acknowledging non-depressed facets of their life, such as moments of contentedness or even neutrality.

Impacts of Emotional Attachment to Identity

If the professor is unable to step out of the “professor” role, how might this impact his life after he retires? If the stay-at-home mom is unable to come to terms with her new role, will she behave differently? If the person with depression overly identifies with this label, how will this influence their behavior? At minimum, there would be some narrowing of choices, and perhaps losing touch with what’s actually important.

The tendency to label ourselves and others can blur the lines between truth and fiction. It can create tension between who we think we are supposed to be and who we actually are.

The tendency to label ourselves and others can blur the lines between truth and fiction. It can create tension between who we think we are supposed to be and who we actually are. If unchecked, it can lead to mental health issues that can compromise our quality of life and relationships with others. Any thought or emotion that opposes our self-assigned labels can trigger an avalanche of unhelpful narratives and actions.

The more emotional the attachment to the label, the more difficult it often is to act in ways that challenge expectations. Over-attachment to one’s own label is like putting on a pair of glasses that you can’t take off. If not brought into our awareness, this tendency severely limits our ability to choose more effective ways of responding. How do we cultivate that awareness in ourselves?

Examining Your Own Labels

The approach of one of the founders of the acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) approach, Steven Hayes, provides one helpful starting point. He suggests posing three questions to yourself to loosen the grip of self-perception. Using the stay-at-home mother label as an example, ask yourself:

For even the most dedicated caregiver, the answer to these questions is no—no one acts out a label, no matter what that label is, everywhere, with everyone, at all times.

This simple exercise helps to remind us that our identity is not nearly as fixed as we sometimes come to believe. In reality, each of us represents a sea of labels through which we shift fluidly on a daily, even hourly, basis. Over-identification with any one label can constrain possibilities and inhibit relationships. Building an awareness that allows us to identify this pattern of thinking is the first step.

Why Are We Attached to Our Labels?

The next step is learning to explore from a place of openness and curiosity what it is that compels us to over-identify with a particular label. Is it the power you can exercise or the competence you can exude when acting out your primary label that you find more difficult to project in other circumstances? Is it the fear of rejection from others? Finally, ask yourself: what values, rather than the shifting sands of labels, can serve as a guide for meaningful action?

This is not an easy process, but it’s rarely the easy road that leads to the beautiful vista. If you feel entangled by the labels you or others have placed upon you, consider seeing a therapist to explore the topic.

Group of three sit at cafe table. Two talk and laugh while one looks down and away.Bullying is described as a behavior marked by two distinct features: the intent to create a power imbalance and the frequency with which it occurs. There are various strategies used to gain and manipulate this power over others, but it’s often the instances of bullying involving physical aggression in school settings that get the most attention. For the purposes of this article, I’d like to shift the focus to a more subtle and common type of bullying: relational aggression.

Relational aggression is defined as a nonphysical form of aggression with the motive to impair the targeted individual’s social standing or reputation. Unlike physical bullying, we have probably all been on the receiving end of relational aggression at some time or another. Because we are social creatures and wired to desire acceptance, this form of bullying can be particularly toxic.

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My hope is to increase awareness about when and how relational aggression occurs so it is more easily identified, and to offer more effective ways of responding. First, let’s look at some examples across various contexts:

Most of us might feel uncomfortable, to some degree, in each of these scenarios. And that is exactly the goal of the instigator. Here are some of the common threads: an attempt to declare superiority over another, domination, the inducing of humiliation or shame, belittling, devaluing, rejection, harassment, and the creation of a sense of separateness between you and others.

While a few instances of relational aggression may not seem to be that bothersome, the cumulative effects can result in lowered self-esteem, decreased confidence, depression, anxiety, distrust, and resentment.

Ironically, it’s the frequency with which relational aggression happens that makes it more difficult to detect. We can become desensitized or adopt an attitude of “that’s just the way things are” in response to these emotionally abusive behaviors. Taking on this perspective will inevitably lead to maladaptive ways of responding. While a few instances of relational aggression may not seem to be that bothersome, the cumulative effects can result in lowered self-esteem, decreased confidence, depression, anxiety, trust issues, and resentment. It can take a real emotional toll over time, and consequently be more difficult to heal from.

Countering these acts of verbal and social aggression requires setting boundaries. Otherwise, the power-seeking individual is continually reinforced by a lack of consequences for the unwanted behavior. Remaining calm when responding is important, as the instigator is often made to feel more powerful the more out of control or emotional the target becomes. Of course, it’s certainly easier said than done to remain calm in the face of emotional bullying.

How Mindfulness Can Help

Mindfulness, along with a little rehearsal, can assist you in staying calm and responding with purpose rather than being emotionally reactive:

Despite our best efforts, sometimes situations and people won’t budge. I urge you to seek professional support for assistance with coping and responding to relational aggression if you feel unable to make changes on your own.

References:

  1. Crick, N.R., & Grotpeter, J.K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social-psychological adjustment. Child Development, 66:710-722.
  2. What Is Bullying. (2017, September 28). Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html

Adult wearing pink top with long hair pulled back looks out window into fields and trees, thoughtful expression on faceA primary focus of therapy is healing from past traumas and making attempts to improve the parts of ourselves we find unsatisfactory. There’s clearly a need to address these issues to move toward a more fulfilling life. But have you ever considered that reliving past successes could create a similarly negative impact?

The opposite of replaying a terrifying or life-threatening event would be the fixation on a better time in an individual’s life. Ironically, I’ve observed this type of over-attachment to create nearly as many barriers as a trauma. Instead of being haunted by nightmares and flashbacks commonly associated with trauma, individuals with this type of fixation exist in a persistent state of longing to repeat or restore what once was. This results in a distracted way of showing up to the present moment and often creates a warped sense of reality.

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These individuals may continually revisit a fixed place in the past. On the surface, becoming engrossed with a perceived positive memory or time doesn’t seem particularly risky. However, when this type of fixation goes beyond nostalgia, it can create the illusion the present is not as worthwhile. The resulting emotions may include shame, sadness, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness.

Being overly fused with an idealized past frequently manifests as depression. The archetypal movie character is the aging athlete whose “glory days” are long gone. Substance use or some other maladaptive form of coping is frequently used in an attempt to ease the discomfort of being separated from the “golden era” of one’s life. For many, a telltale expression often used when referring to a romanticized past are phrases such as “those were the good old days” or “life was so much easier back then.”

Whether it’s thinking too highly of yourself or obsessively replaying the highlight reels of your life, these mind-sets both serve to rob you of the potential to create a more meaningful existence. In comparison to trauma processing, it’s easy to miss this more subtle, yet still harmful, way of relating to the past.

I can relate to this type of rumination, especially when present circumstances feel especially challenging. I occasionally find myself reflecting on memories of childhood, high school, or college. Those times are associated with less pressure, reduced responsibility, and fewer obligations. But if I’m being honest, those chapters all had a unique set of hardships that can too easily be glossed over without careful introspection.

The truth is every segment of our lives comes with its own set of distinct problems and challenges. Life ebbs and flows, vacillating between times of difficulty and times of peace or triumph. However, this idea of having an expiration date for achieving the best version of yourself or your life can be extremely limiting. It generates a perception and attitude you can never measure up to what once was or who you once were, therefore why try to create meaning and purpose in the present?

This same concept can be extended to the overemphasizing of one’s positive attributes, often casually referred to as narcissism. An inflated sense of self may seemingly be a better alternative than a devalued sense of self, but both create barriers for growth. Those with grandiose views of self do not see the need for self-improvement, severely limiting their ability to accurately process reality. They also generally lack empathy for others, which has a high cost in terms of building deep and authentic relationships.

Whether it’s thinking too highly of yourself or obsessively replaying the highlight reels of your life, these mind-sets both serve to rob you of the potential to create a more meaningful existence. In comparison to trauma processing, it’s easy to miss this more subtle, yet still harmful, way of relating to the past. Striking a balance between being able to reflect on fond memories and shifting attention back to the present is key. Cultivating the ability to hold both your strengths and your flaws lightly is more workable than overidentifying with either.

If you feel stuck in the past and unable to find meaning or purpose, I encourage you to process this with a mental health professional.

Person in gold dress with long hair stretches arms out, spinning under blue skyWhat drives your decision-making—your rules or your values? Imagine a good friend asks you for a loan and you know, despite your friend’s best intentions, you will likely never get your money back. Do you agree to loan the money because that’s what friends are supposed to do or because you value this friendship more than the money? Do you decline to loan the money because friends and money don’t mix or because you value maintaining boundaries in all your relationships?

The distinction between rule-based and value-based living can be nuanced, and often both approaches lead to the same outcome. But under the surface, they point to vastly different modes of operation and perception. Clinging to excessive rules about who you are and how you should behave can be unfulfilling and ultimately self-sabotaging. Exploring and identifying your values may provide a needed wake-up call and generate a more multifaceted way of thinking and behaving.

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What’s the difference between rules and values and how do you know which one is influencing your behavior? At the most general level, rules are imposed by external forces and values are the product of internal introspection. Rules by their very nature are designed to dictate specific behaviors, to provide structure and predictability, and utilize consequences or the fear of consequences to achieve adherence. Whatever the institution, the overarching goal of almost all rules is to provide order.

Values are the things, ideas, experiences, and people we find to have great importance and deep meaning in our lives. Values take time to flesh out, honesty to acknowledge, and commitment to put into practice. Thus, unlike rules, values are the refined essence of what intrinsically motivates us—spending time with family, cultivating spirituality, committing to a healthy lifestyle. Values-guided behavior is purposeful and mindful, without the expectation of receiving immediate gratification for the effort put forth.

Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

While rule-dominated thinking can produce order from the chaos, it comes with a cost—the tendency to encourage a rigid self-concept. One quick way to check if thinking is predominantly rule-based is to notice how often you find yourself thinking you “should,” “shouldn’t,” “must,” or “can’t” do something. Also be mindful of global language like “always” and “never,” as in “I always finish something I start” or “I’d never be able to do something like that.” And then there are labels such as “I’m so type-A” or “I am a bad friend/parent/student.”

When we become fused with and buy into these rigid narratives, our responses are on autopilot with a predetermined course of action. The remedy for inflexible thinking is not to suppress it altogether or to replace negatively perceived thoughts with positive ones. Rather, it is to redirect your focus to what really matters in that moment and to become mindful of your available choices.

Here are some questions to help you tap into a more values-based mode of thinking:

Realizing what’s in your heart and being able to separate that from the content of your mind is a powerful combination that can be transformative. However, becoming intimately aware of your values and being able to act on them does not mean life suddenly becomes less challenging. In fact, sometimes it becomes more of a challenge because consciously committing yourself to anything for the long haul is hard work. Values give sacrifice meaning and purpose, and rules often lack this substantive quality.

If you are struggling to find meaning or purpose in your life, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional. We all struggle with self-limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities. These beliefs, or “rules,” we build our lives around can leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled if left unchecked. Values can be difficult to pinpoint on your own, especially if perceptions have been clouded by too many rules. At the heart of any quality therapeutic experience is assisting you with clarifying what matters most to you and helping you move toward whatever that may be.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.