Person with hands over ears screaming with eyes closedIn an interview from April 2018, James Comey, former director of the FBI, spoke about the difference between the language he used publicly as the director of the FBI and the way he speaks in his current book. He curses in the book because that’s how he thinks, he said. But when speaking with members of the media, he cleans up his language so it’s more socially acceptable.

Most people follow his form, watching themselves when they think they might be judged harshly for cursing and letting loose when they feel safer and more comfortable. As a therapist, I believe cursing helps connect people who are seeking help or working through issues. I have a bias towards this view, as I was taught by Dr. Albert Ellis, who, in my opinion, was the absolute best cursing therapist in the history of the profession. When I started studying with Al 40 years ago, I found it incredibly refreshing to hear him curse while explaining his theories of what he initially named Rational Emotive Therapy. (It was later renamed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy).

Cursing as a Tool to Connect

When people stub their toe, they don’t say, “Darn!” They usually swear. Studies have shown people who curse when in physical pain experience a diminished perception of pain. There’s no study I know of that shows this to be also true for emotional pain, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be the case. [fat_widget_right]

If we, as therapists, don’t use the language of the inner self, we risk not connecting as well. I firmly believe this. I have learned from my 40 years in practice that there are three things a therapist can do to help people feel safer:

Just to be clear, I am not suggesting you curse at a person you are working with. Rather, I am speaking of cursing as a tool that can help forge alliances. Not everybody will appreciate this. Some people do not swear and may be offended. This is why, when I first use a curse word, I ask the person I’m working with if they find it offensive. If they find cursing offensive, I do my best to resist the urge. My goal is to relate to the person in the deepest way humanly possible so they can feel heard, known, and respected.

Another goal I have, which is in keeping with dressing casually, is modeling what it means to be my true self with the people I work with so they can feel comfortable being their true self with me. My true self is someone who curses for emphasis and relief. I also think it’s my right as a woman to be able to swear, since men have had the freedom to curse from time immemorial.

When people feel comfortable using language they would use with a close friend or family member, they may then feel encouraged enough to let other boundaries loosen up a bit. These boundaries may have kept them from disclosing something they felt was embarrassing or shameful, for example.

Another goal I have, which is in keeping with dressing casually, is modeling what it means to be my true self with the people I work with so they can feel comfortable being their true self with me.

Cursing is simply a way I show my allegiance with the person I’m working with. I am not a dispassionate, uninvolved therapist. I really care about the people I work with. When they have a problem, I passionately want to help them. Cursing helps me convey that intention. By cursing I also give them a cosmic permission slip to feel more passionate about their own life.

In addition, I show it’s safe and okay to feel angry sometimes. It’s even fine to express this anger. In my experience, cursing does not lead to violence. It may even prevent it, as unleashing an epithet may help release some emotional heat before it builds into a violent conflagration.

Many people, especially women, think they shouldn’t show or feel anger. When I model outrage at something and the world keeps spinning on its axis, they realize they can express the same outrage. Cursing is a way people can express a negative or heartfelt emotion without any major negative repercussions.

Part of therapy is helping people feel safe being who they are. All of us have rage. Some is conscious, some unconscious, but we all have it to differing degrees. Feeling our feelings, including anger, is acknowledged as one of the most important steps in accepting and working through those difficult emotions. You can’t heal what you don’t feel.

Cursing is just another way to connect with your feelings. It’s not the only way. But some people find it allows them freedom to express how deeply they feel about something. Once we access and own the depth of our emotion, we can then work more wisely with it.

References:

  1. Gross, T. (Host). (2018, April 17). James Comey to ‘Fresh Air’: The FBI isn’t ‘on anybody’s side.’ [Radio broadcast episode]. NPR. Retrieved from https://www.npr.org/2018/04/17/602849276/james-comey-to-fresh-air-the-fbi-isnt-on-anybodys-side
  2. Stephens, R., Atkins, J., & Kingston, A. (2009, August 5). Swearing as a response to pain. Neuroreport, 20(12), 1056-1060.
  3. Stephens, R., & Clatworthy, A. (2006). Does swearing have an analgesic effect? Poster presentation at the British Psychological Society Psychobiology Section Annual Conference, 18–20 September 2006, Windermere.
  4. Stephens, R., & Umland, C. (2011). Swearing as a response to pain–Effect of daily swearing frequency. Journal of Pain, 12(12), 1274–1281.
  5. Stephens, R. (2013). Swearing-The language of life and death. The Psychologist, 26(9). Retrieved from https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-26/edition-9/swearing-language-life-and-death

Person walks down the street with headphones on, holding coffee, smiling calmlyIn Kundalini yoga there is a practice called the Ego Eradicator. To do it, you raise your hands, put them in a specific position called a mudra, and begin a long series of sharp exhalations that rhythmically pump the diaphragm (known as Kapalabhati breathing).

This practice is found by many to be invigorating and energizing, but it will not actually eradicate your ego. We are born with an ego, and we will die with one. This fact can make it easy to take things personally.

In general, we humans have a tendency to see the world through our own eyes, using ourselves as reference points. Because of this, we tend to end up taking most things to heart. A natural, usually unconscious, extension of this tendency is using what happens to support or contradict what the ego seeks.

As you may well imagine, the ego wants praise and validation. This would not be such a big problem—except the ego has a way of magnifying and distorting even minor comments and reactions from other people. How many times in life have you felt hurt by something small that mushroomed into something enormously offensive because your ego felt bruised? [fat_widget_right]

It’s Not About You

One way we can become more resilient to the behavior of others is by reminding ourselves that the behavior is not a reflection of us. In fact, it may have little or nothing to do with us. Once we realize this, we can consciously choose to ignore more. This is easier said than done, of course. But in time, with enough practice, we can actually train ourselves to stop taking everything personally.

Most things in life are not about us, but the ego generally doesn’t want to believe this. Luckily, we are more than our ego. When we change our perspective, other parts will welcome this shift, as it can allow us to feel calmer and more in control of our reactions.

We are in our own minds, bodies, and emotions 24/7. As a result, we can end up unconsciously projecting our thoughts and feelings onto others. Once we realize we are doing this, it often becomes easier to see people‘s comments and reactions as a reflection of who they are, not who we are. A logical extension of this awareness is the appealing practice of ignoring more. At first, learning to ignore more may be somewhat difficult, but it becomes easier every time we do it.

Learn to Ignore for Inner Growth

What does ignoring more actually look and feel like?

Let’s say someone says something you find offensive. First, remind yourself their words are a reflection of them and have nothing to do with you. Then simply let the offense go. Yes, this might take a Herculean effort the first time, or even the first few times. But this response will get easier and easier until eventually it becomes almost automatic. When this happens, you may feel lighter, freer, and happier. (But watch out—in the beginning you might find yourself thinking you’re giving the person a free pass, that you’re doing this for their benefit. Nothing could be further from the truth—you are doing this to lighten your emotional load.

Understanding that people’s comments and behaviors come from within them can allow us a little time to evaluate the situation. We can then make a conscious choice to ignore, to not add more bricks to the load we are carrying.

Choosing to ignore and let something go, whether that something is a jibe from a friend, a comment from a boss, or a well-intentioned criticism from a parent, can improve all of our relationships. Think about it: When you take everything to heart, we tend to make a bigger deal out of each comment, facial expression, or behavior. This can kindle strife in our relationships. If we ignore more, we may find we can let many comments or facial expressions go without feeling bad or challenging them.

Understanding that people’s comments and behaviors come from within them can allow us a little time to evaluate the situation. We can then make a conscious choice to ignore, to not add more bricks to the load we are carrying. There is something very freeing about refusing to act the way we might have in the past. The excitement of inner change and growth can be exactly the catalyst to need to become more content with the world as it is.

Training your mind to ignore more can be challenging. It generally doesn’t happen overnight. At first you might slip back into old patterns of taking things personally, ruminating over the responses of others, and escalating issues by over-processing them through lengthy discussion of what was said and what was meant. But I encourage you to be patient with yourself! Even if you succeed in ignoring just a little bit more, you are likely to notice significant changes in your sense of freedom, empowerment, and peace.

If you struggle to adopt this practice into your life, or you find yourself affected by the words and actions of others despite attempting to ignore and let things go, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.

Senior adult with short hair sits at table, face resting on hand, looking into distance thoughtfully

“With aging, you earn the right to be loyal to yourself.” —Frances McDormand

“I don’t mind aging. I’m glad to be aging. I’ll never die young.” —Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

Our culture’s great fear of aging or looking old can be devastating, but talking with a therapist is one way you can work to ameliorate its effects. Exploring your past and imagining a future that feels right for you are only two of the many ways therapy can be helpful.

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But many people over 60 think they are too old to benefit from therapy. They may be too scared of change, too afraid they might try and not get the desired result. Some even fear that changing could alienate their family.

The deeper question is:

Are you ever too old to benefit from psychotherapy or counseling?

No.

You are never too old to benefit from someone truly listening to you and hearing your story with compassion.

You are never too old to shift gears and change your perspective.

You are never too old to behave differently.

You are never too old to invoke deeper awareness, understanding, and wise action.

You are never too old to enjoy the process of self-discovery, self-compassion, and acceptance of life on its own terms.

It is all too easy to think you are set in your ways: to believe life has already had its way with you and this is how you are. Luckily, just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

With people living into their 80s, 90s, and beyond, getting therapy in the last third of life can be incredibly helpful, supportive, and illuminating.

Until you take your last breath, you are capable of change. What an amazing concept: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral shifts are all still within your grasp, maybe even more so than when you were younger.

I know that is counter to what our culture seems to think, with its perennial focus on youth and high energy. But so much of aging is one’s perspective. If you have always focused on your looks, aging can be a real struggle. Even if you haven’t, our culture’s focus on youth can easily wither your self-esteem. Therapy can help you explore your thoughts and feelings while shifting some cognitive-emotional gears. It can even help you achieve what Frances McDormand spoke of: being loyal to yourself.

One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil.I believe as we age we become more concentrated versions of ourselves. That can also mean our behaviors and habits are more obvious to us than ever before, and they may be easier to work with as a result.

Paradoxically, that work doesn’t always feel like work. It can often feel like liberation from the shackles of old ways of thinking, behaving, and believing. Just knowing you have the freedom to change until you die opens up an amazing expanse of possibilities.

Is therapy with someone who is 70 different from someone who is 27? Of course! That is its beauty. After all those years living on Earth, you can be readier than ever to do truly deep and effective work. In some ways, you can more fearlessly look at your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships to see what serves you and what doesn’t.

On a more prosaic level, having somebody in your life with whom to process things as they come up, so they can be worked through and not allowed to fester, is an amazingly supportive experience.

What stops older people from seeking therapy? Is it a resignation to life as it is? Is it a bias toward thinking they can’t change? Is it not wanting to unearth things from the past? Is it thinking nobody can really help them feel better? The reasons are different for everybody. But all those possibilities share one thing in common: they could all be misguided.

Creating a trusting, open therapeutic relationship can help you accept life as it is without becoming cynical or hard-hearted. It can also help you develop self-compassion, something I believe is sorely lacking in our culture.

I’m not suggesting it is always easy to change, but it is certainly possible. One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil. These changes may even lead toward greater self-acceptance and inner peace.

Adult with close-cropped dark hair looks out train window in contemplation while traveling through city“We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us.” —Ken Levine

Many parents of young children and teens think the fewer choices they give their children, the better. They feel they should decide what’s best for their kids and not confuse them with too many options. I took a different approach when my children were growing up: I would routinely let them choose between different foods, activities, and chores. Through experience, they learned some of their choices would turn out well, others not as well. Today, as adults, they are both quite capable of making choices and dealing with the consequences.

Understanding at the outset that not every choice will yield the desired outcome can help inform one’s expectations, including the possibility of these less desirable outcomes. Skillfully managing any unintended consequences is part of the process of decision-making.

How Do We Learn to Make Good Decisions?

Making a good decision requires us to know ourselves. We need to know the things we can live with, the things we cannot compromise on, and the things we can tolerate or get used to. [fat_widget_right]

Sometimes facts can help us make decisions, and exploring the data available to us may be the easiest place to start. Who hasn’t made a list of pros and cons when trying to decide something? Of course, as appealing as such a list might seem, I find that it almost never leads to a good choice because the weight of each item on both sides depends on both obvious and subtle outcomes that might or might not happen and are ultimately almost impossible to compare. Still, it can be a helpful exercise, as it lays out some points to consider.

Data and facts may be helpful in some cases, but all the data in the world can’t compete with the unconscious drives and preferences that often determine how happy we will be with any given choice. We might prefer to focus on factual information when it comes to choosing which mutual fund to invest in, for example, but perhaps not when it comes to choosing a mate, career, place to live, or even what to have for dinner.

If these drives are unconscious, we might wonder what hope we have of unearthing them, but I say we have plenty of hope. We can look at past decisions and their consequences to see how making those choices felt and how they’ve sat with us over time. We might enlist the help of someone who knows us well—a close friend, relative, or therapist—to tease out some personal themes or preferences we might have overlooked.

Keep in mind: If you ask a number of people for help and they all say something similar, you can be pretty sure there’s some useful information there. Conversely, if they all say something different, you may want to consider their counsel carefully before taking any one person’s advice.

It’s often not enough to just rely on intellect. Our hearts and guts have their own ways of knowing things, and they deserve some say in the process, too. Trusting our intuition, or gut, even when all the information tries to lure us to the other side is an acquired skill that can take decades to assimilate. Learn to be patient with yourself as you navigate life from one choice to the next and gain a deeper confidence in your gut feelings.

Another helpful strategy in the process of decision-making is looking back on the past. Which actions brought us joy? Which left us sad, lonely, or unfulfilled? As we look back, we may notice some themes emerging. This is where keeping a journal, especially a joy journal, can be very helpful. We can look back and notice which things consistently brought us joy. There will be patterns. Perhaps the best times were with family, or alone, or playing tennis. By determining those things that historically gave us the most pleasure, we may be able to better assess what might also lead to our happiness in the future. Resist the urge to make a decision based on what looks good, right, sensible, or mature. When it comes to the biggest decisions in life—education, a partner, where to live, finances, health, family, and so on, the trick is not trying to make the right decision. There is no right decision. 

One of my favorite decision-making techniques is to ask myself, If I do or don’t do X, Y, or Z, how might I feel five, 10, or 20 years from now? Once again, the answer may come as a gut feeling, not a list of all the great reasons in favor of one particular choice. Trusting your gut takes guts. It means you trust that ineffable combo platter of heart, head, and experiences often coded in bodily feelings. This is not nearly as strange as it sounds. Candace Pert, author of Molecules of Emotion, found receptor sites on every cell of the body for information from the limbic system in the brain (where your emotions are generated).

It is helpful to remember we have all sorts of different parts. One part may want one thing, another part may want another, and so on. Giving voice to these different parts, especially if they are polarized and have opposite desires, can be incredibly helpful as we attempt to make decisions. You can learn about parts work, or Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems theory, through YouTube videos or books, such as Schwartz’s Internal Family Systems Therapy or Jay Earley’s Self-Therapy.

It is also possible to explore one’s less conscious parts though journaling, dream analysis, art therapy, or Emotional Freedom Technique (also called tapping). [amazon_affiliate]

Any Decision Can Be the Right Decision

Resist the urge to make a decision based on what looks good, right, sensible, or mature. When it comes to the biggest decisions in life—education, a partner, where to live, finances, health, family, and so on, the trick is not trying to make the right decision. There is no right decision. Just make a decision. Indecision can feel like a numbing limbo that we can’t escape. Once we make a decision, we at least have something to work with. Perhaps we will be happy with our decision, but we might also feel neutral, or even displeased. If the latter, well, at least we have created a great learning experience for ourselves.

Sometimes, we might feel as if we are letting possibilities marinate, when actually we are procrastinating with decision-making. It can be hard to discern the difference. We are the only ones who can say for certain whether we are indecisive because we are avoiding the decision or procrastinating or because we simply want to weigh the options more carefully. Take your time—if you’re still assessing. If you’re avoiding a decision because you’re afraid of making a mistake and if that’s been a theme for you in the past, you may want to talk to a therapist.

The good news is this: Every decision, no matter the outcome, will have some benefit, even if it’s only that we learn to avoid a similar choice in the future. The habit of making decisions builds resilience. Avoiding committing to one thing or another is a decision in itself, true, but this practice can feed a lack of self-confidence. Doing difficult things is the royal road to building self-confidence, and making choices builds a sense of agency in the world, helping us feel more competent and confident.

Reference:

Pert, C. B. (1999). Molecules of emotion: The science behind mind-body medicine. New York, NY: Touchstone.

Person in business suit meditates, calmly smiling“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” —Dalai Lama

Tonglen is the Buddhist practice of giving and taking. More specifically, this practice involves taking in another’s pain as you inhale and exhaling your happiness to them. Since it is not actually possibly to physically take someone’s discomfort and supplant it with your joy, this is an energetic and symbolic practice. Simultaneously, the practice of Tonglen fosters compassion for the self as a human who will experience what the Buddha called “life’s 10,000 joys and sorrows.”

Not only does this practice cultivate compassion, it also provides a reminder that, whether or not we see it, people deal with difficulty, pain, and hardship every day. Thus, it helps counter self-absorption by encouraging you to shift your focus to the challenges other people face.

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When I first encountered Tonglen, and its instructions to breathe in the suffering of the world, I thought, “Are you kidding? As a psychotherapist, the last thing I need to do is to invite more pain into my life.” Of course, I was wrong. But I didn’t realize this until after I read Pema Chodron’s Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change. It was from this book that I learned a way of practicing Tonglen that did not bring me down but rather, gave me a sense of deep connection with others, increased my compassion, and paradoxically, calmed my body-mind. [amazon_affiliate]

How Is Tonglen Practiced?

Chodron suggests you first make an effort to notice when you are feeling something disturbing, such as anxiety, depression, grief, anger, physical pain, or anything that feels bad. Next, remember this: there are probably millions of other people feeling exactly what you are, dealing with similar challenges, and having to cope with them similarly. With this realization held in your mind, imagine you are first inhaling compassion for yourself and these others and then exhaling loving, healing energy to yourself and to them.

This is not a Western practice, and at first it may feel awkward or forced. But as you keep at it, it will connect you to those others who are also facing life’s issues or transitions. In other words, everyone. Ever hear the joke about the Buddhist asking the hot dog vendor to “Make me one with everything”? Similarly, this practice can actually make you feel that indefinable oneness. No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.

By purposefully connecting with others you can not only get in touch with your shared humanity, you can bring a sense of connection and compassion into your everyday dealings. You can remember to use Tonglen when someone cuts you off on the road, when the grocery store clerk puts your eggs in the bottom of the bag, when friends disappoint you, or when family feels demanding. You understand and remember what it is like to have a bad day, to receive bad news, or to just feel cranky for no reason at all.

Another practice I find especially helpful is called Just Like Me, though it is also known as commonalities practice. When you are faced with someone whose behavior really tests your patience and understanding, you say, “Just like me.” No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.

I also like to add a Step 6: “Just like me, this person can get triggered, upset, angry, unreasonable, impatient, intolerant, or anything else I like to forget I’m capable of.

Finally, I also find it useful to think of everyone who crosses my path as a five-year-old child who is carrying a heavy backpack full of hurt and unresolved feelings. While this may not be the case in most encounters, it certainly helps me cultivate kindness for people I might find challenging.

I encourage you to choose whichever one of these practices appeals to you most and try it out every day for a month. You can try this in meditation or in the moment as challenging situations arise. Either way, I think you’ll be happily surprised by the way what looks like kindness to others actually helps promote gentleness within your own self.

Reference:

Chodron, P. (2013). Living beautifully with uncertainty and change. Boulder, CO: Shambhala

Torso and legs of teenager running along beach with dogWhy do people develop addictions and compulsions? In general, their psychological purpose is to push out of conscious awareness anything disturbing. The unconscious mind knows how deeply upsetting some body-mind memories might be, as they could trigger anger, panic, grief, guilt, anxiety, shame, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. Thus, it will do anything it can to distract from them.

That may mean engaging in unhelpful or even self-destructive behaviors. After all, addictions and extreme habits, which can form out of obsessive compulsions (OCD), can be very engaging to the body-mind. This deep engagement with something else, anything else, is a wonderful distraction from unpleasant emotions.

Add to your natural propensity for avoiding pain those media messages suggesting various forms of distraction—porn, alcohol, vaping, shopping, extreme sports, etc.—may enhance your life and make you happy, and you have a recipe for a society inundated with addictions and compulsions. (See Anne Wilson Schaef’s book When Society Becomes an Addict for a deeper explanation of this concept.)

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For all the talk of its potential pitfalls, obsessive and compulsive thinking has worked for humanity’s benefit for millennia. The person who unrelentingly rubbed two sticks together to create fire, Marie Curie in her lab, and Albert Einstein incessantly mulling over ideas are just some of the countless examples of people becoming consumed with something essential and meaningful.

With any form of compulsive or addictive behavior, the important question is: Is it interfering with any aspect of your life? If it is having a deleterious effect in any area, such as relationships, finances, work, or health, you might want to do something about it.

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Fortunately, there are many ways to shift away from unwanted habits. William Glasser, MD, a renowned psychiatrist, wrote a book in 1985 called Positive Addiction. He argued the natural unconscious tendency to avoid psychological pain can be rerouted into positive addictions. In other words, the brain’s proclivity for repetition can be used creatively and productively. Those obsessive, compulsive energies can be channeled into useful and enjoyable distractions such as learning a new language, spending more time with friends and family, reading, exercising, or hobbies.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no. As a holistic psychotherapist who uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as one of the arrows in my therapeutic quiver, I would certainly suggest some energy redirection. Ultimately, though, the task is working with the parts of you that valiantly protect your wounded inner child to enable you to unburden some of that pain, as well as coming to appreciate all your other parts (called “protectors” in IFS) that may snort cocaine, drink excessively, gamble, have an eating disorder, or engage in risky sexual behaviors. As counterintuitive as it may seem, all of these things—destructive as they may be—are trying to help you. They will do anything to protect you from being flooded with negative or scary feelings. Anything.

As someone who has been working with people with addictions for over 40 years, I appreciate the way IFS allows a person to gently, yet deeply, explore inner terrain while learning how to compassionately create a new way of relating to all of their parts. Through the IFS process, a person can come to recognize how hard their parts work to give them peace, even if those parts still think the person is a child or teenager. Talking with those parts, getting to know them and their motivations, and developing a new loving relationship with them can be incredibly healing.

Many people with addictions are in 12-step programs, which are wonderful for creating a community of people who share a desire to eclipse the past and evolve. IFS is compatible with those as well.

When you can meet your cravings for temporary oblivion with greater patience and understanding, you may begin to explore your true self. In IFS, that means allowing you to access your inner self-leadership with all its creativity, curiosity, connectedness, confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, courage, and compassion.

References:

  1. Glasser, W. (1985). Positive Addiction. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.
  2. Schaef, A. W. (1988). When Society Becomes an Addict. New York, NY: HarperOne.

Group of people on beach at sunset raising linked hands to sky“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.” —Francis Bacon, English philosopher

A large portion of the U.S. economy would grind to a halt if people made peace with their bodies. Billions of dollars are spent each year on plastic surgery, botox, lasers, corsets, diets, and psychotropics to deal with body-related depression and anxiety—all of it fueled by the advertisers’ goal: making people feel unattractive and inadequate. Photoshop and other image-manipulation tools, with their ability to refine and enhance the already polished, have only added to the impossibly perfectionistic landscape.

If you want to get off and stay off the train of self-loathing and body hatred, stop watching or listening to any programming that features ads. Ditto for many magazines. Embrace the way you were made.

If you have curly hair, learn to love it. If it’s thin and wispy, love that, too.

Curvy? Fabulous! No waist? Just great! Tall? Beautiful! Short? Lovely!

Celebrate your unique beauty.

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There will always be someone who finds you appealing. If you spend your life in a state of self-hatred, how can you expect to attract anyone you might want?

Try this approach instead.

Hate your thighs? Imagine having no legs. Hate your arms? Imagine them gone. Start being appreciative of what your body is and what it can do. Can you see? Hear? Move? If yes, lucky you. Lamenting what you don’t have and buying into unattainable ideals of beauty (always youthful, of course) is a clear path to misery.

Be strong. Swim against the tide of peer pressure and groupthink. Use your own brain. Decide for yourself what is important. If it’s looks and physical prowess, I can assure you they will fade. Then what?

When you don’t think you look your best, make a point of emphasizing your best qualities. Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps you are very kind. Let these qualities shine. Mother Teresa wasn’t a fashion icon, yet was beloved by more people than we can count. No one remembers Marie Curie for her looks, either.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

What do you bring to the table? Bring it! Even when you think you might look ravishing, your attention to externals may come with less focus on internals. How will that help develop you as a person? Bring your truest self to every situation; perhaps you won’t be universally liked, but whoever likes you will like the real you.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

Want a great relationship? Don’t base it on appearances. Anyone attracted primarily to your looks may want to trade you in for a newer model when you are no longer so fetching.

Want to feel better? Give yoga a try. Any yoga, unless it’s grueling and torturous, will help you make peace with your body. How does it do that? It combines mindfulness with deep breathing to promote calm. A relaxed body is usually happier than a stressed one. All those yummy chemicals yoga catalyzes may help you feel good about yourself.

Move your body, sleep at least seven hours a night, and eat a vegetable-heavy diet. If you do these things more days than not, a compelling case can be made that whatever weight you are is your natural, healthy weight.

Celebrate your unique beauty every day. Look in the mirror and do as motivational author Louise Hay does: say, “I love you, (your name), I really, really love you.” After thousands of repetitions, you just may start believing it too.

How much of your precious time do you want to spend having an adversarial relationship with your body? How do you want to feel about it? Do you want to appreciate all its miracles? Do you want to focus on everything that works well? When you hear yourself thinking a negative body thought, ask yourself, “Is that what I really want to tell myself? What would I rather think?” Practice this and see what effect it has.

Your body, right now, in its current form, is a temple. Treat it that way and watch what happens.

Reference:

Dent, M. (2016, March 9). Plastic Surgery Reaches a New Record: The Top 5 Nip-and-Tucks in 2015. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/09/plastic-surgery-reaches-a-new-record-the-top-5-nip-and-tucks-in-2015.html

Young woman relaxing on the beachJust as the body works to maintain homeostasis on a physical, cellular level, I believe the mind strives to create balance emotionally. Both happen unconsciously, though you can accelerate the processes with various interventions. Just as physical wounds heal more quickly with antibiotic cream and a bandage, psychological injuries heal faster with rational self-talk, breathwork, journaling, therapy, good food, yoga nidra, plenty of sleep, and other supportive strategies.

How the Conscious and Unconscious Affect Emotional Balance

It’s hard to imagine that emotional homeostatic work can be accomplished unconsciously, but how else can sayings such as “Time heals all wounds” be explained? How does the simple passage of time assuage psychic pain? You may not notice incremental improvement, but suddenly, one day, you feel differently about something that previously disturbed you. That’s your unconscious mind processing change over time. Certain practices can support this growth and transformation.

[fat_widget_right]When you choose to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, you will often speed up the emotional healing process. It does not have to be solely relegated to your unconscious mind. Practices like yoga, meditation, journaling, psychotherapy, yoga nidra, dreamwork, and breathwork can all help soothe the nervous system and make conscious what has been unconscious so it can be safely felt, dealt with, and transcended.

All these interventions may seem challenging or annoying at first because they are unfamiliar, require learning new skills, or bring up unpleasant memories or feelings from the past. With practice, the initial break-in period will pass quickly, and you will begin experiencing a feeling of mastery. These intervention can also serve as healthy tools for future times when you feel anxious, angry, sad, or overwhelmed.

Practices to Move You toward Emotional Homeostasis

Take a close look at your inner landscape. Where are the boulders blocking your path? Are they out in plain sight, or are your obstacles more like potholes, only noticeable when you’re right on top of them?

Some great ways to analyze your internal topography include:

  1. Take a deep, slow breath through both nostrils and exhale.
  2. Take a close look at your inner landscape. Where are the boulders blocking your path? Are they out in plain sight, or are your obstacles more like potholes, only noticeable when you’re right on top of them?Now, without touching your nose, focus on inhaling through the left nostril and count ONE.
  3. Exhale though the right and count ONE.
  4. Inhale through the right. Count TWO.
  5. Exhale through the left. Count TWO.
  6. Inhale through the left. Count THREE.
  7. Exhale through the right. Count THREE.
  8. Inhale through the right. Count FOUR.
  9. Exhale through the left. Count FOUR.
  10. Inhale through both nostrils. Count FIVE.
  11. Exhale through both nostrils. Count FIVE.
  12. Inhale through the left. Count SIX.
  13. Exhale through the right. Count SIX.

Continue in this manner and inhale and exhale through both nostrils on every multiple of five. If you lose count, go back to the beginning and start with one. If you would like a beautiful explanation and walkthrough of this technique, check out Swami Janakananda’s CD, Experience Yoga Nidra.

Like all good habits, the benefits from these practices accrue over time. In addition, doing yoga nidra, an ancient passive guided meditation, can strengthen your emotional resilience and nervous system, allowing for more easy switching from fight-flight-freeze mode to rest and digest.

Some other excellent yoga nidra sources I recommend:

man hugging pillow“Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you.” —Iain Matthews

Sometimes, we get so mired in our thoughts and feelings we forget to see the bigger picture. When that happens, it’s good to look for even the tiniest crack that might open you up to a softened heart or a wider view. That softened heart is not just for others, but toward your own, sweet self.

Paradoxically, this requires both surrender and effort. You must surrender to your truth emotionally, physically, and cognitively, in this moment. Then, make an effort to do what you can to shift gears. If that’s not possible, accept the circumstances and your state of mind, and recognize they won’t last.

When in the throes of an overwhelming emotion such as anger, depression, anxiety, or grief, it may seem as if that’s all there is. Luckily, there is much more to you and your life than the challenge du jour—so much more. Yet, in the midst of jangled nerves and incessant negative thoughts, it’s all too easy to forget everything that is going well. Take a minute and think of everything that is working well for you.

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Now, think of the millions of thoughts and feelings you have had in your life. Some lasted a nanosecond, some longer. Each one came and went. When you are in a negative emotional tornado and it feels as if you are being swept up and carried away, remember: you will land. Sometimes it might be with a huge thud that rattles your bones; other times, it will be gentle. You can’t always control the landing. You can control how kindly you treat yourself in the process, though.

In addition to exercising self-compassion, it’s helpful to cultivate an inner sense of knowing—knowing when to make a Herculean effort to face some demons, and knowing when the best you can do is to keep breathing until the bad experience ends. It will end. Bad things will happen, internally and externally. The more you appreciate the ebb and flow of life, and the less you fight what is, the sooner you may feel a renewed sense of equilibrium and joy.

Trying to control all the variables, beyond a reasonable amount of preparedness, just sets you up for misery. The task is to live this moment, no matter how it appears.

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, there are people who think they should feel happy all the time. The last person who told me he was happy every day died suddenly at age 50 of a massive heart attack. How could anyone be happy 24/7? Only if the person is in denial—of life’s vicissitudes, of his or her ever-changing inner landscape, of everyone else’s ever-changing inner landscapes, of collisions between these landscapes—could that be the case.

Life is messy. Things don’t always go your way. People do what they want, not what you wish they would do. Your body throws curveballs at the most inopportune times. Furnaces shut down when it’s 20 below. People and pets die. You can run out of money. Best friends move far away. Children, too. Trying to control all the variables, beyond a reasonable amount of preparedness, just sets you up for misery. The task is to live this moment, no matter how it appears.

Railing at what is and resisting reality only creates more suffering. Yet, it is supremely difficult to embrace life on life’s terms. Why? Because the ego wants what it wants, exactly as it wants it, all the time. Consciously, few people would say that’s how they think things should work, but unconsciously, where that little child lives, that’s the belief. Otherwise, why would Buddhists and other like-minded philosophers have had to work for millennia to help people think differently?

As helpful as it is to continue practicing unconditional self-acceptance and acceptance of reality, it is equally useful to create a soft landing spot when life feels like it’s tossing you around. Softening your heart to yourself and your experience, with self-compassion, is another way of being in the moment. It’s important to have compassion for the anxious parts of you that don’t know what’s next, for the sad parts that are still grieving, and for the child parts that look to the loving adult within you to watch out for them, even when all you can do is offer a soft inner comforter to cushion the fall.

Creating a soft landing spot takes practice. It consists of first paying attention to what you feel in your body and taking some time to describe those sensations. As this is not a typical human activity, it can feel weird, awkward, and difficult. With practice, it gets easier. Think of it as learning a new language—the language of your body.

Then, check in with your feelings. If you only find one, dig a little deeper. Feelings usually come in clusters. When you have unearthed yours, ask yourself where they came from. Are they remnants from the past? Are they created by current, catastrophizing thoughts? If so, lovingly, patiently work with the parts of you that remember feeling this way before, perhaps in childhood. Give those parts a voice. Let them speak to you. If they are not ready, let them find repose somewhere, either in your heart or somewhere else safe and serene.

Next, listen to your thoughts. If you can write them down, all the better. Are they true? When flooded with negative thoughts, you might believe that’s your reality. It isn’t. It’s simply a temporary state of mind, even if it has existed for a long time. Challenge these unhelpful, possibly habitual, ways of looking at yourself, others, and life. If you use questions, you can answer them and reach a new paradigm.

The most important thing to offer yourself when life is hard and you feel lower than a snake’s wiggle is a feeling of safety. In some ways, all inner work builds toward a greater sense of internal safety.

Man alone on benchLife is a far more predictably bumpy ride than anything you are likely to encounter in your daily commute, so why not fasten your emotional safety belt to keep you feeling a bit more protected?

Start by assessing your level of psychological safety right now. Just sit back, close your eyes, and ask yourself: “On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the most safe, where would I place myself in this moment?”

Next, get more specific. Grab a piece of paper and write down your thoughts on:

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Once you have taken the time to look at what helps or hampers your sense of safety, you can willfully choose to seek or avoid those things that make you feel safe or unsafe.

Luckily, there are many ways to increase your sense of safety. Some will seem fairly easy and straightforward, while others might be quite challenging. Some can benefit from tangible modifications, others are more elusive and slippery. Some you can implement on your own, and others, especially those involving long-held patterns, might be easier to eclipse with a therapist.

Before you delve into all the psychological and situational triggers that might be conspiring to leave you feeling emotionally wobbly, try the following exercise:

Starting at either the crown of your head and working down, or the soles of your feet and working up, start noticing whatever physical feelings you can. It might be tension, tingling, heat, cold, numbness, tightness, clamminess, itchiness, pressure, pain, emptiness, burning, humming, motion, twitchiness, or even a scent, color, or shape.

Once you describe it, just sit with it. Allow yourself to have that experience without judging, criticizing, or trying to push it away. This enables you to bypass the story behind what you might be feeling and let yourself mindfully attend to this moment. Usually, a sense of balance, calm, or safety will come over you.

If there are certain people in whose company you feel unsafe, consider steering clear of them. Remember, it pays to pay attention to your intuition. If seeing someone fills you with dread, it may be best to avoid that person until you feel differently. While therapy can help, there are situations that time itself will heal, and others that will never feel good.

Since there is not one right or wrong way to live, only the right way for you in any given moment, it is crucial to give yourself permission to act on what feels right for you today. If that brings up guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, or grief, sit with your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them in your body and to examine what you are telling yourself, especially the repetitive thoughts. If you feel overwhelmed, please contact a therapist.

Practicing sitting with discomfort is one thing, but having trouble coping is another. On the other hand, just because a feeling is unpleasant doesn’t mean it’s unworkable. Learning to find safety in yourself, even when waves of intense feelings wash over you, is a skill you can hone every time something difficult arises.

One way to skillfully navigate unpleasant emotions that make you feel unsafe is to remind yourself how transitory everything is. Most people find that hard to embrace, as it implies all the great, wonderful, ecstatic feelings you love so much wane along with the undesirable ones, but it’s really a small price to pay for a greater sense of equanimity.

Try some of these ideas and let me know how they work for you.

Note: If you are in a situation where you feel physically or psychologically abused, please get help. There are many free resources and shelters available.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.