There is a prevailing belief in today’s culture that men are sexual carnivores and women aren’t often in the mood. Quite often, though, women have the higher desire in heterosexual relationships.

Men and women alike may feel embarrassed if the male has a lower libido than the female partner. Men may feel emasculated, and women may not feel beautiful or sexy.

It’s important for women to know that there are many reasons a man’s libido may wane. According to a study summarized in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, up to 12% of adult males experience low libido because of androgen deficiency, with age and the added medical conditions that come with it being risk factors.

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As Dr. Edward Laumann states in his research, women’s drive is affected substantially by environmental factors (such as relationship, mood, age, self-esteem, body image, work issues, family issues, even weather). Similarly, men’s sex drive can be affected by stress (particularly at work), depression, substance abuse, hormone imbalance, medical issues, and aging, among other factors.

If you find that you are initiating sex a lot with your male partner or are feeling like his libido has dropped, here are some tips to deal with the situation:

1. Don’t take it personally. As can be the case with women, a man’s libido may be tied to self-esteem, body image, performance at work, finances, and ability to provide for the family. Your man may be feeling down about himself, he may be stressed at the office, or he may be feeling inadequate for some reason. Simple, loving compliments can boost his confidence and self-esteem; tell him, perhaps, how amazing he is, how much you love him, how much you want him, etc.
2. If you initiate and are successful, give plenty of positive feedback and praise. This may make him more likely to initiate or be interested again.
3. If you initiate and he turns you down, try to let it go. Accept his decision and maybe give him a kiss goodnight. Don’t argue or get upset or passive aggressive with him. It’s fine to ask if everything’s OK or if he wants to talk, but don’t harp on it. It’s not the right time to have a serious conversation about it.
4. Try something different. If your relationship is in a rut or things are getting a bit stale or boring, try something new that might excite him. You might ask him if anything in particular would appeal to him.
5. Touch him affectionately without expecting or asking for sex. Just enjoy the experience and don’t get too caught up in who initiated it. Being goal oriented may lead to him feeling pressured, and you feeling rejected, if sex does not follow. Focus on enjoying the physical intimacy and increasing your pleasure and connection in the moment.
6. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Try to engage him in a conversation when you’re alone but not in the moment. He may have no idea that you feel rejected; he may simply be wrapped up in whatever’s going on with him. Talking might tune him in to your feelings and needs.
7. Ask him how he feels and what might be affecting his interest level. Perhaps he’ll share that he has been stressed by an assignment at work. Perhaps he’s experiencing depression. Showing concern will help you both by providing him with empathy and support while reducing your self-conscious thoughts.
8. Understand that no two people have the same level of desire. Most couples have a difference in desire levels. Talk to him about your desire patterns and find a way to meet in the middle with regard to sexual intimacy. With communication and understanding, partners can learn what sexual intimacy means to the other person.

If the preceding tips don’t seem to help, consider seeking the help of a sex therapist to help address the root of the issue.

References:

1. Araujo, A.B, O’Donnell, A.B, Brambilla, D.J., Simpson, W.B, Longcope, C., Matsumoto, A.M., and McKinlay, J.B. (2004). Prevalence and Incidence of Androgen Deficiency in Middle-Aged and Older Men: Estimates from the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, Vol 89(12), 5920-5926.
2. Laumann, Edward. (1994). The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. Chicago, IL: The University of Chicago Press.

Most mothers likely want their daughters to develop a positive body image and a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, many moms inadvertently act in ways that are counter to this goal, often because they may feel shy or embarrassed to talk about their bodies and sexuality. This message may, over time, get passed along to their daughters.

What is a healthy sexual self-esteem, exactly? This refers to a person’s ability to connect to their sexual identity and self in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. Healthy sexual self-esteem could mean experiencing our body in a sexual way, enjoying our body sexually, and eventually sharing our body sexually with someone else. Many moms tell me they want to raise their daughters to be like this one day. They want their daughters to feel great about their bodies and to experience pleasure when they are older, in a healthy adult relationship. The question is: how do we get there?

First of all, it may be necessary to reframe the part of you that still believes talking to your daughter about her body and sexuality may be harmful. The research does not support this notion. In a study published in 2008 in the Journal of Adolescent Health, for example, researchers Kohler et al. found that adolescents who received comprehensive sex education were significantly less likely to report teen pregnancy than those who had received abstinence-only education. In fact, abstinence-only education did not reduce the likelihood of engaging in vaginal intercourse, but comprehensive sex education did.

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With the research firmly on the side of talking to your daughter about her sexuality, how do you go about it?

General Tips

• Start early and deliver age-appropriate messages. This conversation is a years-long one. Don’t wait for children to ask questions or initiate, as some may be too embarrassed. As the adult, overcome any discomfort you feel and talk to them.
• Model healthy body image, no matter your shape or size. Reject media images of so-called ideals. Promote a greater picture of health and nutrition rather than focusing on fat or weight specifically. Model appropriate affection with your partner.
• Be real. This means being direct, honest, and conveying the facts alongside a positive and affirming perspective.

Toddler Years

• Put a positive spin on bodily functions (i.e., “You threw up because your body was saying the food you ate did not work well in your body. Your body can be trusted and knows how to protect you!”).
• Don’t shame their bodies by saying things like, “Go put your clothes on,” or, “Don’t run around the house naked.”
• Teach them the correct names of body parts: vagina, penis, testicles, etc.
• When the time comes/when they ask, tell them how babies are made. For example: “When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the mommy’s egg meets the daddy’s sperm and that makes a baby. Then the baby grows in the mommy’s uterus until it’s big enough to come out. When the baby’s ready, the uterus squeezes, and the baby comes out of the vagina. Then mommy’s body goes back to the way it was.”

Pre-Puberty/Puberty

• Put a positive spin on distressing changes (i.e., “You are becoming a woman! That’s wonderful! Welcome to the world of womanhood.”). At the same time, discuss openly any negative aspects of puberty-related changes rather than glossing over them.
• Tell stories from your childhood—your first period, perhaps, or even embarrassing stories. Show them that you survived and they will, too.
• Don’t shame their bodies with messages like, “You can’t wear that.”
• Teach them about male and female puberty, natural bodily changes, and the basics of sex.
• Take your daughter to get her first bra. Bring it up; she may be too embarrassed.
• Give her deodorant, a razor, sanitary pads, tampons, etc. Tell her you have noticed she’s becoming a beautiful young woman. Again, pre-empt these things.

Adolescence

• Encourage your daughter to trust her body and to listen to it (i.e., if she gets a stomachache before a test, talk to her about how her body is telling her something).
• Again, don’t shame their bodies. Talk about what messages they want to portray about themselves by the way they dress and appear. Share examples from your own life.
• Talk about relationships as portrayed in books and movies and how those portrayals differ from real life. Talk about couples dynamics and what your child may like/doesn’t like about how relationships are portrayed vs. the reality of relationships.
• Don’t encourage her to hide her wanting to grow up. Pick your battles. If you find out she’s tweezing her eyebrows, it’s not the end of the world. Instead, help her find an article online about eyebrow tweezing (or whatever else) and use this as an opportunity for open discussion. Shaming a child can lead the child to want to hide things from you later.
• Talk to her about her period. Introduce her to the variety of menstrual supplies available and encourage her to explore all of them to discover what works best for her. Tampons may seem scary, for example, but using them may help some adolescents become more comfortable with their bodies. Help her get used to her period as a normative event, not something shameful or secret.

Raising any child is difficult, but raising a daughter may come with its own particular challenges. To promote healthy body image and sexual self-esteem, keep your conversations real and regular, be a trusted resource for accurate information, and model what you want your daughter to aspire to both in and out of relationships.

Reference:

Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., & Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health, 42, 344-351.

Much of life is shaped by the choices we make. We choose where we want to work and where we will live. We choose friends and partners. Most of us also choose who we marry (if we choose to marry). When we commit to someone, typically we are agreeing not only to commit to them, but to what—and who—they bring with them. In many cases, family members are part of what a partner brings to a committed, long-term relationship. And although we can choose our partner, we cannot choose their family.

Building a relationship with a long-term partner’s family can be difficult for all involved. Everyone involved is adjusting to a major life transition: parents are trying to adjust to a new relationship dynamic with their child and build a relationship with their child’s partner. The couple is establishing and strengthening their own relationship and making their own life choices. If these choices conflict with what the parents envisioned for their child, the parents may perceive this as rejection, which can put strain on the relationship. Parents who miss their child and want to have more of a relationship may seem pushy or over-involved. Any number of other reasons may serve to complicate this particular relationship.

In my experience as a therapist, strained relationships with a partner’s family members, especially the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, are quite common. If you find building a relationship with your partner’s parents to be challenging, or if you just don’t like your partner’s parents, the following tips and considerations may be helpful:

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• Discuss the level of involvement you would like to have with your partner’s family. Do you envision seeing them every week for Sunday dinner? Do you envision seeing them for three hours on a major holiday once per year? If you choose to have children, what type of involvement should they have with them? If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied.
• Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good. It can be hard to relate to someone if you don’t know them well. Try to have more shared experiences. Plan an activity, such as a picnic or mini-golf. Try seeking advice on small things, like which tablecloth is best or what dishes you could serve at a family meal. Maybe one parent is financially savvy and can help you figure out your mortgage application. Maybe the other parent is excellent at fixing things around the house. Seek out and enjoy each person’s strengths.
• This is a long-term relationship, so it is likely worth investing in. In most areas of life, it’s fairly easy to minimize contact with people we don’t like. However, in a marriage or other committed partnership, it may be worth trying to reach common ground. Discover the good aspects about your partner’s parents and learn what you can like about them.
• Hear their feelings behind the comments. When your partner’s mother asks, “Why don’t you move closer?” or “Why did you move so far away?” try to hear the feelings rather than the criticisms. Your partner’s parents are probably not trying to control you or tell you what to do. They may simply be trying to tell you how they feel about something, such as “I miss you and wish we could spend more time together.”
• Learn their love language as a way to communicate with them better. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages as a tool for your in-laws. What are their love languages? Do they really appreciate gifts? Would they better appreciate an offer to help them with house and yard work once in a while? Giving to them, in a way they will appreciate most, can help them feel more positively toward you and may lead to a greater sense of connection. [amazon_affiliate]
• Not all events have to include all the members of the family. If it remains difficult—for whatever reason—for you to enjoy or even handle seeing certain members of the family, try instead to create (or allow) opportunities for them to see your partner or their grandchildren. Grandparents might be thrilled to spend time with your kids for a few hours or even a few days. You don’t have to attend every single get-together.
• Don’t force your partner or children to cut off their relationships. You may dislike your partner’s parents. You may have drastically different approaches to parenting. But allowing your children to spend time with their grandparents may really benefit them (and their grandparents). Preventing your children from building this relationship can be a huge loss (unless you have reason to believe they are in danger). And if your partner wishes to spend more time with their parents (with or without you) and you prevent them from doing so, conflict and resentment may be the result.
• Set boundaries. Doing this early on in your relationship is likely to make the adjustment easier for everyone involved. Assuring your partner’s parents they are an important part of the family may help them agree more easily to the boundaries you set without feeling as if you have cut them off. If they tend to overstay their welcome, try being specific: “Are you available from 1 to 3 on Sunday?” or, “Would you like to come for a visit for two nights next weekend?” If they express the desire to stay longer than you would like, simply say something like, “It would be better for us to just do two days this time.”
• Realize that your partner’s long-standing familial relationships and communication dynamics precede your relationship and are not likely to change. You may feel irritated by your partner’s interactions. Suddenly the confident and self-assured person you know cannot stand up to their mother! This may be infuriating, but try your best not to harp on it or try to change them. Your partner’s relationship and patterns of interaction with their parents (and siblings) are unlikely to change much. (However, if some aspect of this interaction or any family issue appears to be harmful or distressing to your partner, you may wish to discuss this, perhaps with a counselor.)
• Communicate clearly. If you primarily communicate with your partner’s family through your partner but find things often become muddled, try speaking directly to them instead. This not only shows them respect but can help prevent miscommunication and misunderstandings—and will keep your partner from being caught in the middle.

Dealing with your partner’s parents may be one of the more challenging parts of your relationship, but it may be worth the effort to make your interactions with them as pleasant as possible, if for no other reason than to respect your partner’s bond with them.

Let’s face it: being single can be really hard! No matter your age, people are always asking, “So are you seeing anyone?” or, “Have you met anyone special lately?” Society at large seems to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with being single. There is also a prevailing (and inaccurate) perception everyone wants to be in a relationship or get married.

The truth is, being single can be positive and healthy for any number of reasons. Though it can feel lonely at times, it can be an empowering and healing experience.

Here are six signs being single is a good fit for you for the time being:

1. You Just Got Out of a Relationship

Take time to regroup. Jumping from one relationship into another may distract you from processing and grieving your recent loss. Whether you initiated the breakup or not, you will likely benefit from some form of healing. Give yourself the space to think about the meaning and lessons of your last relationship. You can come to conclusions about what you like or need (and what you don’t) in a partner, or discover, for example, you really care more about religion, intimacy, common interests, etc., than you had realized. This is the time to create an empowering message about why going through this experience was ultimately for the best.

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2. You Need to Focus on Healing

After a breakup, family crisis, medical scare, or major life transition, people often need time to heal and focus on themselves. Being single allows you the luxury of focusing on yourself. If it makes you feel good to run three times a week, do it. If you’ve been meaning to do a class or try therapy, now you have the time. If you’ve been wanting to eat healthier, now you can focus on that. It’s an ideal time to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually.

3. You Need to Work on Being More Independent

Sometimes in a relationship, it can be easy to develop dependence on the other person. Maybe you feel like you don’t know how to cook for yourself. Maybe you have no idea how to manage your money. Maybe you worry about who will fix your car when it breaks down or who will pick you up from the station if you need a ride. Developing self-sufficiency skills will prove to be helpful in future relationships, should you pursue them, because you’ll be choosing to be with the person rather than needing to be.

4. You Want to Be ‘Free’

If you have an itch for adventure and do not wish to be burdened by obligations, choosing to be single for a while might be best. If you have a desire for freedom, it’s a great idea to act on that before more obligations (financial, family, etc.) bog you down. If you’ve always wanted to travel to India, figure out a way to make that happen. Some people, especially in their late teens and early 20s, have more of an urge for independence than others. If the thought of being in a serious relationship or marriage feels entrapping for you, allow yourself some time to be free of commitments.

5. You Want to Put Your Time and Energy into Life Goals

You may have a hard time working on multiple goals at the same time, so focusing on one at a time may work better for you. Do you want to just focus on graduate school right now? Do you want to put all your time and energy into your work and try to get ahead? If working on a big life goal feels like a priority, give it all you’ve got and focus on dating later.

6. You Want to Get Married

You may be asking yourself, “How is being single going to help me get married?” Bear with me here. Many people waste time in dead-end relationships, believing “when someone better comes along, I’ll end this relationship.” That’s not generally how it works. If you’re not happy, everything you’re investing in who you are with now is taking away from the investment you could be making in developing yourself into a great catch or meeting new people. If marriage is your goal and you’re not feeling it with your current partner, then your time may be best spent on self-improvement, increasing insight, developing emotional self-regulation, and boosting your self-esteem. Being single also helps you re-set for a potential spouse. Think about what values and virtues are important for you, what you want from your life, and qualities you desire in a partner.

Being single can help you focus on much-needed self-care or allow the freedom to pursue life goals or interests. It can also give you the space to define what you want (or don’t want) from relationships. Being single doesn’t mean being a failure. It’s a choice that paves the way for better choices both now and in the future.

Many couples experience a surge in sexual excitement and activity when they begin to try for a baby. They may be suddenly free from hormonal birth control methods or the barrier sensation of condoms and often feel they have a closer and more intimate connection than before.

However, after a short time, if a baby has not been conceived, this heightened sense of intimacy and sexual excitement may fade. What typically replaces it is a sense of monotony and routine—sex by schedule, goal-oriented sex, sex under pressure—as well as anxiety, grief, and loss and lowered self-esteem. The emotional ups and downs can be hard for people to endure time and time again. Hope is erased by the first sight of your period, and then sadness and grief take over.

Sometimes, partners experience guilt on top of all these other emotions. Is it my fault we are not getting pregnant? Is it his fault we are not getting pregnant? Are we doing it wrong? Could we have done something differently? Is it because I did X, Y, or Z? Many people also feel guilty that they want sex only in order to conceive. What’s wrong with me that I don’t desire my partner sexually except to make a baby?

This can be an extremely difficult time for couples. They often feel alone, especially when they see “baby bumps” and strollers everywhere they go. The pressure to conceive often colors the mood and trajectory of the sexual relationship.

Here are some recommendations that may help you continue to enjoy sex while going through the process of trying to conceive:

1. Even if sex is planned or scheduled, don’t forget the foreplay, take your time to turn-on both you and your partner. Sex doesn’t have to be rushed just because you “have” to do it. Try setting a timer for 30 or 45 minutes and don’t begin intercourse until that timer goes off. This may help you focus on becoming aroused, touching each other, and enjoying one another. Take time for sexual arousal to set in explore your partner’s body and pay attention to all of your partner’s erogenous zones for a better sex experience.
2. Focus on pleasure and the female orgasm. Many women struggle to orgasm through penetrative sex alone and require clitoral stimulation. This is nothing to be ashamed of and most of the time can even highlight both partners’ sexual experiences. Though many assume the male ejaculation is all that’s really needed to create a baby, there are a lot of benefits to focusing on pleasure and even female orgasm. In one study, researchers R. Robin Baker and Mark Bellis found that female orgasms that happened between one minute before the male ejaculated up to 45 minutes afterward led to higher levels of sperm retention. Furthermore, getting into the habit of having sex only for procreation may bring about reduced interest in sex on the part of both parties. Once a couple gets into the habit of having sex as a matter of routine and without much arousal, it can be hard to get out of that habit.
3. Try something different. Many couples get in sexual ruts from time to time. Consider changing the environment. Even having sex in the shower, in another room, or adding some new lingerie or candles can enhance the experience and make it feel less routine. Consider adding sex toys such as a vibrator to enhance her sexual pleasure. Consider starting with a different sex position than you normally would new positions can take good sex, to great sex. Other ways you can make your sex life feel less routine are adding lube, roleplay, and even oral sex can help reawaken your partners sex drive.
4. Remember it can take time. It’s important to know that, for many couples, it can take several months to a year or more to conceive. Try not to get discouraged, exercise self-compassion, and give yourself the benefit of patience.
5. Talk to your partner about your experience and listen to your partner’s experience. Grieve together. Share feelings. Remember people experience loss differently. Although your partner may not cry in front of you, it does not mean he or she does not feel sadness. Share your feelings, but don’t expect your partner to feel the exact same way you do. Listen and be compassionate. Relating on this shared experience grows emotional intimacy, which will help you have greater sexual intimacy as well.
6. Consider taking a break from “trying.” Take a break from scheduled ovulation times and just have sex when the mood arises. Not only might this kindlesexual desire, it may relieve some of the pressure and anxiety you both feel.
7. Talk to someone in your support system outside of your partner. Be selective about who you talk to because some people may not be as helpful as you may like. Some people may give you all sorts of unwanted tips and “old wives’ tales” about what they heard will help you get pregnant. Some may be overly intrusive. Select a few trusted people to talk to, such as close friends, family members, or a therapist, who can help meet some of your emotional needs. Remember that your partner is also going through this difficult time and may not be able to fully support you the way you need because he or she is going through his or her own process as well.
8. Schedule date nights or other fun activities you enjoy outside the bedroom. Having more fun together may remind you that you’re not just “partners”—you really like and love each other. Those positive feelings may carry over into sexual activities. Be sure to take the time to cuddle and embrace each other afterward.

If you’re having difficulty conceiving, you are not alone. Reach out to your support system, get the medical attention and therapeutic support you need, and focus on what you love about your partner. Sustain emotional intimacy and focus on the pleasure of being together by not rushing to the male ejaculation. Extend foreplay and remember that just because sex may be scheduled does not mean you cannot also experience pleasure and even orgasm.

Reference:

Baker, M. M., & Bellis, M. (1993). Human Sperm Competition: Late Manipulation by Females and a Function for the Female Orgasm. Animal Behavior, Vol. 46, 887-909.

© Copyright 2015 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C

Does the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit sexual activity? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive?

If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Sexual aversion is your body’s heightened response to sexual anxiety. First, it’s helpful understand why you might be experiencing it. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it.

Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From?

Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, anxiety, or pain.

[fat_widget_right]However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past (especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate), they find small messages of guilt, shame, or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of body shame or shame about sexual arousal.

How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions

Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include:

• You feel out of control.
  Control is an essential component of aversion. Remember, aversion is an extreme form of anxiety. It is your body’s way of saying, “I do not want that. I do not like that. Stay away.” It protects your body from harm. When you feel that someone wants sex, expects sex, or even has the “right” to sex because you are married, you are feeling out of control.

• You do not feel relaxed in sexual encounters.
  Your body is almost in a state of “beyond anxiety” where you don’t necessarily feel nervous, but you feel repelled. Pay attention to your body. Do you feel nauseous or have stomach issues when you think about sex? Do you feel fluttery or nervous? Do you feel nothing at all and just sort of frozen?

• You do not feel aroused, yet you engage in sex anyway.
  Engaging in sexual activity when you are not aroused is harmful for your emotional well-being. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. You might do this because you feel guilty that you are never in the mood to be with your partner. However, it could be causing long-term damage.

5 Steps to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

It’s important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. You are not alone. To work on your sexual anxiety, follow these steps:

1. Assert your control over the situation by setting boundaries and ground rules.
2. Agree to limited sexual contact. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact (hugging, holding hands, etc.) that you feel comfortable with. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Take it week by week or month by month—whatever you’re comfortable with.
3. Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques prior to and during a sexual encounter.
4. Stop engaging in intercourse until the aversion has subsided.
5. Consider finding a sex therapist, as this does not typically go away by continuing to engage in sex.

Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs.

The transition from being a wife or partner to being a mother with children can be a difficult one. Whereas before you could give all your time and attention to your partner or spouse, hobbies, work, and other pursuits, now there is a demanding baby to care for. Some women feel that during pregnancy they begin to experience “mommy brain” and have trouble with memory. In fact, research shows that women’s brains do shift during pregnancy. A study published in Behavioral Neuroscience showed that there was a small but significant level of growth in the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hypothalamus. These changes are associated with increased worry, obsessively thinking about and caring for the child, and placing a high emphasis on the baby’s needs. Well beyond birth, when the child is a little older and more independent, many women continue to have a difficult time shutting off obsessive thoughts about their child and focusing on being a wife or partner.

As a couples therapist, I hear often how hard it is for women to transition from being constantly involved with their children to being a wife or partner again. It’s completely normal for most women to have some challenge making the transition. After all, just because your children are asleep does not mean that your “mommy” duties are fulfilled. You might have to prepare lunches or fill out permission slips for the next day.

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Just as the husbands and partners of mothers have to adjust to new roles and realities, women, too, have to come to some balance. Even in the throes of parenthood, it is essential to have time together with your partner independent from your children.

Here are some strategies for making the switch from “mommy mode” to “partner mode”:

1. Effectively manage your time. Think about cutting some obligations so you have more time in the evening. Schedule things if you have to, and stick to the schedule. If there’s a task that isn’t a “must-do,” let it go. Make time with your partner a priority, right alongside fixing those lunches. When you’re with your partner, try not to think about anything else and allow yourself to immerse yourself in the moment. A family is only as strong as the partnership.
2. Set aside one or two nights per week for intimacy. Make it a point to head to bed a little earlier than usual a couple of nights a week. (If you’re too tired at night, why not set the alarm for before the kids wake up?) If you set certain nights aside (and you know they are coming), you can train your mind and prepare yourself better. Oh, and just because you are not already in the mood does not mean you cannot get in the mood once you are physically close. Remember: desire does not always come before intimacy. Intimacy can generate desire.
3. Do relaxing activities before bed that don’t have to do with housework or child care. For example, take a hot shower or bath, read a chapter from a novel or peruse a magazine, have some red wine and chocolate, or watch a favorite television show (perhaps one you wouldn’t watch with the kids). These activities will ground you and help you transition to intimacy with your partner, in whatever form that may take.
4. Talk to your partner about your relationship or even “adult” things. Have an intellectual or emotional conversation about current events, work, your passions, or your relationship. Avoid discussing the kids, if possible.

Reference:

Kim, P., Leckman, J. F., Mayes, L. C., Feldman, R., Wang, X., and Swain, J. E. (2010). The Plasticity of Human Maternal Brain: Longitudinal Changes in Brain Anatomy During the Early Postpartum Period. Behavioral Neuroscience, Vol. 124, No. 5. 696-700

In today’s world, pornography use has become quite common. In fact, 40 million Americans are regular visitors to pornographic sites, 12% of all websites are pornographic in nature, and 25% of all search-engine requests are for porn. Does this high prevalence mean it’s OK? Does the fact it is common mean it is harmless? Does the fact it is widespread mean it’s all right for all individuals and couples?

If it is not OK with you, then it is not OK in your relationship. When one or both parties have an issue with pornography use, it needs to be addressed.

Most people I encounter in my practice for whom porn is an issue “discover” a partner’s secret pornography use. It’s not something they share together. Due to the fact it is kept secret, it’s typically toxic. Would your partner be doing this if you were standing right there? Would your partner be fine with you knowing? Do you watch pornography as a couples activity? If the answers to all of these questions are no, then the pornography is likely a problem in your relationship.

Of course there are relationships in which pornography use is mutually condoned and enjoyed. But if your relationship isn’t one of them, you might be thinking, “What do I do now?”

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If you feel like your partner’s pornography use is a violation of trust, like it is some sort of infidelity, or feel disgusted and hurt, try these suggestions:

1. Take a moment to process things. If you haven’t already had an all-out argument, take a day or a week to think, calm yourself, and prepare for how you will talk to your partner about this. According to John Gottman’s reseach on couples, the first few minutes of a conversation generally determine the outcome. Start your conversation right!
2. Remember: this is not your fault. Your partner’s pornography use likely is not because he or she finds you unattractive, and it is also probably not because you have been having sex less frequently. Multiple studies show that one consequence of frequent pornography use is reduced interest in sex with one’s partner. So you may have been having less sex because of the pornography—but probably not the other way around.
3. Ask questions about the pornography use. Attempt to have a mature and calm conversation about your partner’s use. How long has this been going on? How often does he or she look at pornography? What kind of pornography does he/she look at? Does he/she pay for it? Does he/she use interactive websites or passive videos? How does he/she feel about his/her use? Does he/she feel guilty? Does he/she say “it’s not a big deal” or “everyone does it”? What is his/her reaction to you knowing? Though it might be tempting to raise your voice, calmly tell your partner how hurt and offended you may be; try your best to simply gather information. This is the time to let your partner talk about what it means. You’ll get your chance.
4. Tell your partner what pornography use means to you. Talk about feelings of betrayal, jealousy, or shame. Talk about your insecurities. Talk about your fear that this will slide into another form of betrayal, secrecy, or sexual infidelity. Talk about how you may now be feeling pressure to perform in the bedroom, thinking that he or she will be comparing you to what he/she has seen. One study reports one of the most common negative results of pornography is women feeling that they must behave like porn actors and actresses.
5. Come up with a plan. Talk about where you go from here. Assuming it’s what you want, is your partner promising to quit? Is your partner defensive and feeling like he or she shouldn’t have to stop? Can you agree on a plan? If not, consider seeking a couples or marital therapist to help you come up with a compromise. Some people may say that they are willing to stop but find it difficult or feel compelled to look at pornography. If this is the case, I encourage seeking guidance from a therapist who specializes in pornography addiction.

Pornography use can be a sensitive topic for many because it involves intimate and personal acts. It can trigger insecurity, mistrust, anxiety, and depression. It’s OK if you are not OK with your partner looking at pornography. Just because it is common does not mean that you must be OK with it. Just as you have other rules in your relationship, talking about pornography use will help clarify your values as a couple and your expectations intimately.

References:

1. The Stats on Internet Pornography. Retrieved from http://thedinfographics.com/2011/12/23/internet-pornography-statistics/
2. Gottman, J., and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2013). The Empirical Basis for Gottman Couples Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/wp-content/uploads/EmpiricalBasis-Update3.pdf
3. Kirkova, D. (2013). Vanilla Sex is OUT, Porn Addiction is IN: Disturbing Survey Reveals How Porn is Damaging Our Relationships. Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html#ixzz2OfMGpMJ6

People have it all wrong about married sex. Somehow many Americans have created a fantasy that sex in marriage should look like sex when you’re dating or sex in movies—the type of sex that is urgent, quick, spontaneous, lustful, and passionate. Sure, it can happen, and it’s wonderful when it does, but this is certainly not the norm. As a sex therapist, I see time and time again that expectations are part of the issue when it comes to low sex drive and sexless marriage. People come to my office all the time and say that when they have sex they enjoy it, but they rarely seem to desire it.

Successful couples have realistic expectations about what sex should look like. They set date nights or schedule sex so that they make time for one another. They set aside time to try to get in the mood. They make intimacy a regular part of their relationships by knowing what to expect and when to expect it.

Are you one of those people who think scheduled sex is boring or cannot be pleasurable? Allow me to persuade you that if you change your thinking, not only will you and your partner likely have more sex, but you will enjoy it more as well.

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1. You Don’t Need Desire to Precede Intimacy

Do you always feel hungry for breakfast? No, but you eat it anyway because it’s an important meal.

Are you often dirty and “in need” of a shower? Probably not. But you likely shower daily, or every other day, anyway.

Do you feel utterly exhausted every night when you go to sleep? Maybe. But you might just go to bed around the same time because you know that rest is good for your body and so you won’t be tired the next day.

Do you always feel the urge to exercise? Many people would say no, definitely not! But people do it because it’s healthy.

Well, sex is the same way! You push yourself to start sexual intimacy because it’s good for your body, your mind, your marriage, and your family.

2. Dating Is Not Spontaneous

The idea that sex when you’re dating is spontaneous is simply not accurate. When people are dating and live apart, they make time to see each other. They often dress up, do their hair, apply perfume or cologne, or wear more flattering clothes. You planned sex when you were dating, but you didn’t realize you were planning for sex because you tricked yourself into feeling like it was spontaneous. It was anything but. All these steps you took helped your brain anticipate sex at the end of the night.

3. Planning Sex May Make You Happier

Why is spontaneous good and planned bad? Do you enjoy a vacation less because you planned it and looked forward to it? According to a recent study in the Journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life, participating vacationers were happier before their trips, in anticipation. Other research shows, as well, that people derive happiness from anticipating a positive experience.

Anticipating a sexual encounter may make you more responsive in, and happy before, the actual act.

4. For Many Women, Desire Comes after Arousal

According to Rosemary Basson’s model of female sexual response, desire more commonly occurs in women after arousal. In contrast, the male model of sexual response dictates that desire generally comes before arousal. Women are not men!

If you, like many people, can enjoy sex and feel connected during intimacy but have a hard time initiating, try these steps:

• Plan one night per week to try to get in the mood. This doesn’t mean you should have sex if you are not in the mood. This means you are open to the idea of trying to get in the mood. You are open to kissing, hugging, or caressing in order to attempt to get aroused. Intercourse should happen only if you have desire and arousal.
• Welcome spontaneity on the other six nights. If being spontaneous is so important to you, then be open to that.
• On the night you “planned” to get in the mood, do things that help you become aroused. Some women like to shower or bathe in order to feel relaxed and clean. Some women feel that lingerie helps them feel sexy. Some feel that setting the mood with candles or fragrance is helpful. Do what moves you.
• Extend foreplay. Since desire comes after arousal for many women, foreplay may need to be extended. Try foreplay for 30 to 45 minutes before considering intercourse.
• Initiate if you are interested in getting in the mood. Initiating does not need to mean you are in the mood. It means you would like to get in the mood.

If you enjoy sex with your partner but never seem to find the time or occasion to be intimate, it might be that you are waiting for the stars to align. Shift your perspective to a more functional and realistic point of view. You can have passion and desire and perhaps even orgasm, but initiation is the first step.

References:

1. Kumar, A., Killingsworth, M.A., and Gilovich, T. (2014). Waiting for Merlot: Anticipatory Consumption of Experiential and Material Purchases. Psychological Science. Vol 25, No. 10. Pp: 1924-1931.
2. Nawijn, J., Marchand, M.A., Veenhoven, R., and Vingerhoets, A.J. (2010). Vacationers Happier, but Most Not Happier After a Holiday. Journal of Applied Research in Quality of Life. Vol 5, Issue 1, pp: 35-47.

Today’s world is filled with messages on how to date, but frankly, most of what we hear is creating heartache after heartache for women. After even one heartbreak, a woman might find herself distancing herself emotionally, having problems connecting, or experiencing trust issues.

The examples in pop culture are numerous. On this past season of ABC’s The Bachelor, for example, viewers watched as women became physically involved with the leading man. In the words of one participant, when they kissed, all the issues in her mind “disappeared.” Several women during the season described delving into a fast, physical relationship, while the emotional relationship was missing something.

What we are seeing is that many women are first looking for a physical connection and then asking themselves: Do I really like him? Are we really compatible? Do we really want the same things in life? Unfortunately, once we develop a strong physical or sexual connection and become infatuated, our brains start to convince many of us that the answers to the above questions are yes, when in fact they may be no.

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Why does this happen? According to researcher Helen E. Fisher, individuals who are “falling in love” experience elevated concentrations of central dopamine and norepinephrine along with lower levels of serotonin, which tends to mean they obsessively focus their thoughts and attentions on one another and, more importantly, on their partner’s positive attributes rather than the negative ones (p. 416). Once that “falling” feeling has diminished, as it generally does over the next few months, individuals begin to notice deficits more rapidly than before.

So now we have a situation where a woman is emotionally invested and connected with a man, but experiences confusion about whether they are actually compatible or share the same values or goals. To protect her heart, she tries to convince herself that they are a good match and that they want the same things in life. But she may still hear that “little voice” telling her that something is not right.

Ladies! Consider the following advice to protect your heart, make smart dating decisions, and more easily find the person you may be searching for:

1. Take the physical relationship slowly. Very slowly. Even kissing.
2. Get to know him deeply. Find out if you share the same life goals and values. What kind of lifestyle does he envision? What are his thoughts on marriage and commitment? (Hint: If he tells you he has commitment issues and you are looking for commitment, then back away now.) Do you share the same family values? Do you see eye to eye on religion and spirituality? These are the types of answers you want.
3. Believe that you can know whether you have chemistry with him before you are physical. Many people ask me, “But if we do not have a sexual relationship at first, how do I know if we will have sexual chemistry?” Do you long to kiss him? Do you want to reach out and hug him? Do you stare into each other’s eyes? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you can relax your anxiety because you do, in fact, have sexual chemistry. You can work on whatever sexual issues may arise once you have built a solid relationship.
4. If a little voice inside of you is telling you that it’s not right, pay attention to that voice and try to figure out why it feels that way. What is it saying? What are the red flags you are picking up? Why are you staying in a relationship if your gut is telling you it’s not right? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you wonder if you will ever find Mr. Right?
5. Be OK with being alone for a while. If you have a need to be in a relationship, you may settle or convince yourself that he is what you want out of fear of going without anyone. While you’re with Mr. Wrong, you won’t be emotionally available and open to meeting Mr. Right.

If we take care to protect our hearts and open ourselves up safely and slowly, we will reduce our possibility of getting hurt. Opening yourself up too much, too quickly may create a pattern of distrust or emotional guardedness with others, making it hard for you to find “the one,” even if he is standing right in front of you. Taking the time to open yourself up slowly and protecting your body and feelings will let you lead with your head so that your heart can follow.

Reference:

1. Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., and L. Brown (2002). Archives of Sexual Behavior. Vol. 31, No. 5. Pp. 413-419.