Editor’s note: The account that follows may be upsetting for some readers. Names were changed to protect confidentiality.

I was reflecting on a recent party we hosted and thought my friend Heather would enjoy a couple photos from the gathering. There was one of her chasing her toddler son around with a plate of food, another of her sipping from a wine glass full of grape juice. She was relaxed into her second trimester, answering all the usual questions from our guests: a boy, due in May, first trimester was uncomfortable but not terrible, totally different pregnancy from her first, totally excited.

She joked about the whole “we’re pregnant vs. I’m pregnant” debate with her husband Jeff, who had stopped drinking and even gained “baby weight.”

Her family used to live near us. They recently moved to a larger home with the plan of having another child. Just a few days earlier, she had asked me where we bought our Murphy bed. I assumed they were getting ready for family visits after the baby’s arrival.

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Her text response to my pictures came about a minute later and stopped me in my tracks.

“Got the worst news with the baby. I can’t talk. No words.”

Tears pooled in my eyes. I replied that we love her and are praying for her. We can talk when she’s ready.

Then my phone vibrated with another message: “He won’t survive. I have to get a procedure. It won’t be till next week.”

Heather and Jeff’s joy had turned to horror. And then the other part of her message sunk in: she had to wait a week. How would she manage being pregnant for a whole week knowing she would never meet the baby inside her? I imagined every day was too much to bear.

I contacted my friend who is an operating room nurse specializing in emergency and gynecological procedures. I knew many of my questions were unanswerable, but I hoped she could help me with a few. What kind of procedure was Heather going to have? What will her recovery be like? Should I offer to have her son come stay with us?

My friend explained that if the fetus is no longer alive, labor would most likely be induced and Heather would have to deliver her deceased baby vaginally, just as for a live birth. I recalled my own experience with labor; the idea of going through all of the pain, contractions, and emotions to knowingly deliver a lifeless baby was sad beyond measure.

“If the baby isn’t dead,” she went on, “She will likely have a D & E—dilation and evacuation.” She would be under general anesthesia, with more cramping and bleeding in recovery.

She finished by expressing her deepest condolences. “Physical recovery shouldn’t be too bad,” she said, “but losing a wanted pregnancy is going to be so tough. My love to her.”

Eventually, Heather was ready to tell me what happened, and she asked me to write about it. Here are five things she specifically wanted me to share:

1. “When you call it a procedure, you separate yourself from it. It’s an abortion. And it’s not a dirty word.”

Heather’s baby was alive when she and Jeff went to her routine 20-week ultrasound. She noticed the technician was unusually quiet. When the technician brought in a doctor to examine the scan, they knew something was wrong.

Heather asked if the large mass she saw on the monitor was her bladder. “No,” the doctor said. “That’s his bladder.” It was larger than his head. His body was not processing urine properly, and the bladder was almost the only thing they could see.

As she was lying on the table in a dark room with warm gel on her pregnant belly, the doctor began discussing their options.

If she continued with the pregnancy, the baby would require experimental surgery in utero. In the unlikely event he survived the pregnancy, he would require multiple surgeries, including kidney and lung transplants. If he did not survive the pregnancy, she would labor and deliver her deceased baby.

If she continued with the pregnancy, the baby would require experimental surgery in utero. In the unlikely event he survived the pregnancy, he would require multiple surgeries, including kidney and lung transplants. If he did not survive the pregnancy, she would labor and deliver her deceased baby.

Or she could terminate the pregnancy—have a late-term abortion. As my friend who works in the OR explained, at 21 weeks this would be a D & E.

The doctor assured Heather and Jeff that a fetus does not experience pain until 24 weeks. In a few short weeks, their baby would feel the pain of his condition, of in utero surgeries, and of organ transplants should he survive birth.

Jeff asked all of the questions while Heather laid there and cried. She could barely speak, but she knew she was not going to put anyone she loved through that. She had always been pro-choice, but never thought she would have to make the choice herself.

She was going to have a late-term abortion.

2. “If I hadn’t been able to get the abortion, I don’t think I’d be here.”

Heather described being pregnant with her baby for a full week, knowing he was going to die.

“When you’re pregnant, you become aware of everything you do. ‘How will this or that affect the baby?’ ” She said she didn’t drink that week because she didn’t want to hurt him. But she could hardly bring herself to eat or sleep.

During that week, Heather tried to straighten her hips so it didn’t look like she walked like a pregnant woman. She wore Jeff’s clothes and jackets, slinking around the few times she went outside because she couldn’t handle someone saying, “You’re pregnant!”

President Trump took office the day after her abortion. “I was bleeding, cramping, heartbroken,” she said. “I was hearing all the rhetoric about lawmakers trying to ban this procedure.”

She believes if she wasn’t able to end her pregnancy when and how she did, she wouldn’t be alive today.

“If someone had taken that right away from me, I would have walked in front of a bus. It’s inhumane to force a woman to continue with a pregnancy,” she said. “I could not have done it for another four to five months, letting him grow inside me knowing he was doomed. That week was a lifetime.”

3. “It was the saddest moment of my life. The kindness and compassion of others meant the world to me.”

When she arrived at the hospital, Heather saw someone she knew from work. She was crying, and grateful that person did not try to say hello.

Her doctor scheduled the abortion over email. He personally escorted her through the hospital, and allowed her to wait in his office so she didn’t have to sit in a waiting room full of pregnant women.

Heather tried to keep her emotions in check when she entered the operating room alone. But when it came time to climb onto the table, she wept.

She told the anesthesiologist, “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be going through this.” Her doctor hugged her, and the anesthesiologist whispered in her ear that she was going to give her extra anxiety medication to help her through.

She told me she felt grateful to have had paid time off from work, and her insurance covered the abortion without question.

4. “It wasn’t a decision that was just for me. It was for him, too. I made the decision of a mother.”

Heather was at work when she was notified of the autopsy results in her online chart. She didn’t want to look at it, but she needed to know. She felt like she was the only person who ever knew her baby.

Seeing those autopsy results, the heartbreaking truth settled on Heather. No matter what “options” they had, he was not meant to be.

According to the autopsy, parts of his body were critically underdeveloped, including his lungs. His kidneys were not functioning at all. Other parts of his body were severely deformed because of a lack of amniotic fluid. He would not have survived without drastic measures, and even if all those measures were maximized, he was unlikely to live.

Heather described lying awake at night during that week before the abortion, thinking about being separated from her baby.

“I didn’t want him to live for an hour and then die. Or to get organ transplants and die. I didn’t want to make him suffer like that. I was going to be a mom to my kid. I made the right choice for my son.”

Seeing those autopsy results, the heartbreaking truth settled on Heather. No matter what “options” they had, he was not meant to be.

5. “I still talk to him.”

Before that 20-week ultrasound, Heather had an image of her baby as a star in the distance, and she was beckoning him to come closer. Now she says, “I still picture him as that star, but I just keep saying goodbye.”

She doesn’t want his memory to be only of sadness. She tries to focus on the times when she felt so happy to have him in her life.

Jeff got a tattoo in honor of his son—a turtle representing Mother, though it looks like a water baby or a baby in a boat, which is how they will remember him.

Heather and Jeff plan to have another child. But as of now, she considers herself to be the mother of two boys.

“His name was Everett,” she said. “And I love him.”

When a person is in need of an organ transplant, a process referred to in medical circles as a “transplant work-up” begins. This process is lengthy, as it is necessary to make sure the person is medically and psychologically fit for organ transplantation. Often, a social worker who works with transplant cases will conduct the psychological evaluation to identify any mental health issues the person may have that warrant consideration, as well as take stock of the emotional support network currently in place.

Typically, the emotional support network consists of family, friends, and the person’s transplant team. The transplant team includes doctors, nurses, and social workers. During the transplant work-up process, at the time of the transplant, and immediately after transplantation, the person has access to potentially dozens of people who can provide emotional support. The emotional support provided is almost ’round-the-clock if the person is hospitalized while waiting for transplantation. If the person is stable enough to remain at home while waiting for transplantation, they are in and out of doctor’s appointments so frequently that they, too, have consistent access to emotional supports as part of ongoing care.

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What happens after organ transplantation? In the year following the procedure, the person continues frequent visits to doctors’ offices and the hospital for invasive check-ups to control for rejection and illness, as the person is immuno-suppressed. These frequent visits allow for continued access to professional emotional supports. However, as the person begins to improve physically, the appointments steadily decrease and may decline to as little as once per year. With this decline in physical check-ups, the person gradually loses ready access to professional forms of  emotional support. The transplant social worker is constantly working with new patients, and the cycle continues.

Organ transplant recipients may not have identifiable mental health issues pre-transplant, but lifestyle changes, medications, and immuno-suppression—necessary for the organ transplant to be successful—can take a toll mentally. Transplant patients can experience depression, anxiety, grief, survivor’s guilt, and other concerns. Sometimes, life becomes much more difficult after transplant due to unforeseen complications, job loss/change, loss of insurance, and a shift in caregiver roles. Sometimes, people are not able to do the work they once did. Transplant recipients may not be accustomed to a daily medication routine.

How do we balance the “gift of life” that organ donation represents with the emotional toll a transplant can have on an individual?

Post-transplant, people may become hypercritical of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, especially if those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors do not align with the “gift of life” ideology commonly associated with transplantation. How do we balance the “gift of life” that organ donation represents with the emotional toll a transplant can have on an individual?

Person-centered therapy can help transplant recipients by giving them more control, with appropriate guidance. Transplant recipients have not had control over their illness or their treatment. Person-centered therapy can help by allowing the transplant recipient to process their experience and develop a more cohesive sense of self.

The genuineness, unconditional positive regard, and empathic relationship that is the nature of person-centered therapy can allow for deep healing among transplant recipients. Each transplant recipient has a unique experience to share. Some have been sick for years, some caught a fast-acting virus while on vacation abroad. Some are young, some are not. Person-centered therapy encourages the individual to choose the topics discussed in session, navigate and find solutions to their concerns, and decide how often to meet and when to stop therapy. For many, it’s the first step toward regaining a sense of agency in their lives.

As therapists, we know the importance of addressing invisible issues such as stress, depression, and anxiety. But what about dyslexia? Let’s add this one to the list. Did you know that more than 40 million American adults have dyslexia—yet only 2 million know it? It’s likely that 1 in 10 of the people you work with in therapy will have it.

To illustrate why this matters, I’d like to share my story.

As I was growing up, my family never talked about my dyslexia. Although I got help in a public elementary school by means of a tutor named Mary, no one (including myself) understood how this was impacting my life and relationships.

While my school had a plan for me, home was a very different story. My parents separated when I was 6 months old and got a divorce when I was 6 years old. I lived with my mom and sister, who were very close and talked to each other about everything. I didn’t fit in well in our family of three. And unfortunately, no one took the time to try to understand my experience. As a result, I felt quite alone growing up.

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My mother and sister were fast talkers, so their conversations flew right by me. With my unrecognized dyslexia, their joyful ritual of reading and discussing the newspaper each morning at breakfast felt like a tedious chore to me. I went off to school each morning already feeling disconnected. Family dinner conversations also felt strained and out of sync. I couldn’t remember many of the details of my day, so it was hard for me to participate and share entertaining stories the way my sister did. My mother seemed enraptured by everything my sister said. I sat silently at the table and let her do most of the talking. Each day was repetitive and lonely. Somehow my grades were always passable and I never got in trouble, so my mom seemed to think everything was fine with me. We lived in the house together like two ships passing in the night.

I had no real academic problems until I went away to Grinnell College in Iowa, far from where I grew up in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Over time, I began to feel like I was drowning … barely able to keep afloat under the pressure of my classes and sinking grades. Each semester became an endurance battle, an experience that left me feeling depleted and insecure. My mom would get my grades in the mail and immediately question my work ethic. Her mantra to me became, “Please just try, Sarah. For one semester, just try.” I was furious, seething with anger at her, because little did she know—I really was trying. It just wasn’t going very well.

And we still never talked about my dyslexia.

Even after those difficult college years were behind us, the tension persisted between my mother and me. We were not close. I felt angry and misunderstood. My mom wanted to feel connected and reassured. She needed reassurance in order to feel like everything was going to turn out all right in the end. I refused to give her any degree of satisfaction. We were stuck in the quagmire of our mutual misunderstanding.

Eventually, she suggested we see a therapist.

We met several times with an experienced counselor. We talked with him about our fights and frustrations, but we never really delved into the root of the problem. At the time, I still didn’t understand my dyslexia. While I received academic support throughout elementary school, no one ever talked to me about how this processing difference was playing out in my everyday life. In fact, to the best of my recollection the term “dyslexia” was never used. I knew I had a “learning disability” of some kind or other, but this sounded vague, and it wasn’t clear what this actually meant. Adding to that, I didn’t get any support in college, and nobody had ever suggested I needed any. I had this grave misunderstanding that whatever learning difficulty I had, maybe I had grown out of it.

So while we talked with this therapist about all sorts of topics that dealt with the stressors in our relationship, we missed the elephant in the room—namely, the legacy of dyslexia and attention-deficit hyperactivity (better known as ADHD) in our family. Here was this unique moment in time, where my mom and I chose to work on our relationship, and no one knew to talk about learning differences. What a lost opportunity!

My hope and intention is to bring more awareness and consciousness to the therapy community. Just as unrecognized addiction issues can make therapy less effective, I strongly believe that unrecognized learning differences can make therapy a superficial experience—or at the very least incomplete.

Eventually I ended up at the Simmons College School of Social Work in Boston. While I was getting my master’s degree, I visited one of the people I was helping at her home. It was like walking into my grandmother’s house. I saw total disorganization. Papers were strewn everywhere. She had trouble finding necessary everyday things—her purse, wallet, house keys. For me, that was a light-bulb moment. Whatever was troubling her was the same thing my grandmother had. It was ADHD.

Shortly thereafter, I ran into my elementary school tutor, Mary, and asked about our time together. I said to her, “I know I didn’t have dyslexia because I didn’t reverse my letters … so why did we meet?” She looked at me and said, “Oh, but Sarah, you do have dyslexia.” This was another watershed moment. I had dyslexia then, and I still have dyslexia now. It doesn’t go away. At 29 years old, I was finally beginning to understand my family and myself with clarity.

So why am I telling you this story? Realizing that many families must share multigenerational struggles with dyslexia, ADHD, and other learning challenges, I decided to make a film about my efforts to get my family to better understand dyslexia and to look at themselves as well. The result is my award-winning documentary, Read Me Differently. In addition to the film, I have put together a comprehensive viewing guide that provides detailed suggestions about how therapists can best use the film with the people they work with in therapy.

Unfortunately, for me, it wasn’t through therapy that I found insight, information, or relief. Instead, I figured it out though my own almost accidental detective work. Understanding dyslexia doesn’t have to be such an anonymous quest.

My hope and intention is to bring more awareness and consciousness to the therapy community. Just as unrecognized addiction issues can make therapy less effective, I strongly believe that unrecognized learning differences can make therapy a superficial experience—or at the very least incomplete. With more tools and information readily available, therapists can become better informed about addressing these invisible learning differences.

Dyslexia Awareness: Tips for Helping Professionals

Become more informed:

• Talk to your friends and colleagues to learn more about their experiences with dyslexia, ADHD, executive functioning, etc.
• Check out websites such as: understood.org, www.parentseducationnetwork.org, and www.eyetoeyenational.org.
• Watch films such as mine (Read Me Differently) or Being You
• Read books: too many to list!

Keep in mind that the people you work with in therapy may not know if they have learning and/or processing challenges. You may need to take the initiative to help them discover their learning difference.

Conduct a thorough intake of new clients, realizing that not all will be comfortable with filling out a written form. Note: this is a red flag! Go through a written history with the person. Ask questions:

1. “Have you ever been identified with a learning difference (dyslexia, ADHD, executive function, etc.)?”
2. “Is there a family history of diagnosed or undiagnosed learning differences?” Follow-up questions: “Do you or anyone in your family have trouble with reading, spelling, written communication, tracking information (i.e., working memory … remembering details, sequencing information in the right order)?”
3. Ask about their school experience. “Did you ever receive extra assistance? Was school easy or hard? Did you get in trouble a lot or fly under the radar?” Explore these responses.
4. “Did anyone in your family have trouble staying in school or drop out?”
5. “What can you tell me about your family’s expectations for performance? How did that play out in your family? How did you compare to your siblings or friends? Do you feel like you have met your own expectations (in school, work, family, etc.)?”
6. “Do you use or abuse drugs or alcohol? Is there a family history of drug use/abuse?” (This can be a coping mechanism.)
7. “Is there a family history of anxiety, depression, or avoidance?”
8. “How would you rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10?” (Often, self-esteem is a significant issue for this population.)
9. Ask about the person’s work history. “Has there been a lot of stability on the job or have you experienced employment disruptions? What type of work do you do? Is this your top choice or do you feel like an underachiever?” (These are all ways to determine if learning differences are impacting daily life.)
10. “How would you rate your communication with friends, family, and coworkers?” (ADHD, working memory, and executive functioning can impact relationships.)

October is Dyslexia Awareness Month. Let’s #saydyslexia and bring visibility to this invisible difference.

Reference:

Conolly, A. (2015). Dyslexia facts and statistics. Retrieved from http://www.austinlearningsolutions.com/blog/38-dyslexia-facts-and-statistics.html

Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line?

If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair.

Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”.

Emotional infidelity is a real concern for many people. In a Chapman University study earlier this year, researchers found 65% of heterosexual women and 46% of heterosexual men were likely to be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs typically start out as friendships, making it difficult to discern when you actually cross the line. If you have developed a close relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re worried it might negatively impact your existing relationship, take an honest look at your feelings, intentions, and actions. Are you having an affair? Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

If you are still unsure whether or not you have moved from a friendship to something more, here are 14 telltale signs of an emotional affair:[fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker—so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner—you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for one particular person, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special.

4. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

5. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

6. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you are going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, it may prove you are making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you are dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives, as they may not be as innocent as you think.

7. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation.

8. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might be a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

9. You really understand each other.

You feel like the other person “gets” you. You have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar. You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection. If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

10. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

11. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then you may be feeling a romantic attraction to that person.

12. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person is around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

13. You start having fantasies or dreams.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or start having romantic dreams about them, this may be a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

14. You would be upset if the situation were reversed.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you would be upset about it, then that may be an indication that your behavior is inappropriate and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it can be easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you are concerned you might be having an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist who can help you both process and share your feelings and perspective.

Reference:

1. Ledbetter, S. (2015, January 5). Chapman University publishes research on jealousy – Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. Retrieved from https://blogs.chapman.edu/press-room/2015/01/05/chapman-university-publishes-research-on-jealousy-impact-of-sexual-vs-emotional-infidelity

Asking for a raise can be a daunting endeavor. Many employees refrain from inquiring about the possibility of increased compensation, even if they feel it is merited. According to U.S. News and World Report, up to 60% of workers will never ask for a raise. Of those, 47% expressed feeling uncomfortable asking or feared it would come across as pushy.

For their part, with the economy in its rebounding-but-not-quite-rebounded state, many employers are neglecting yearly salary increases that might have been standard in the past. If you’ve been working hard and haven’t seen an increase in earnings, it might serve you well to face your fear and ask for the raise you know you deserve.

Here, we offer seven pieces of advice to consider before asking for a raise:

1. Know Your Value

Before you even consider asking for a raise, you’ll need to research the market and determine your value. Find out what the average salary is for a person in your field with your experience. If you don’t know what your work is worth, then you won’t know what kind of raise to expect.

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You can use websites such as Salary.com to determine average salary rates or try Glassdoor.com, a website where employees post their earnings as well as anonymous company reviews.

Be resourceful. Check with recruiters. Research job advertisements. Do some networking and ask trusted others in your field about their salaries, if they’re willing to share.

2. Present Solid Evidence

When you approach your boss, you’ll want to come prepared and be ready to present evidence in your favor. It can be helpful to keep a written list to ensure that you don’t forget anything important. Think of asking for a raise as you would closing a sale. You need to be persuasive and convince your boss that your desired raise is warranted.

If you keep a list, include any major accomplishments you have made in the past year at your job, any additional duties you have taken on, and point out any other “gold stars” you may have earned at work recently. If you have quantifiable statistics, be sure to present those. As they say, the numbers don’t lie.

3. Timing Is Everything

Many people assume that the best time to ask for a raise is during their annual review, but some experts recommend asking a few months ahead of time. In many cases, your manager has already determined the budget and negotiated any salary raise long before he or she meets with you for your review. To make sure your annual raise has been factored into that budget, consider bringing it up a few months in advance rather than waiting for the review itself.

This should go without saying, but be considerate of the time and place when asking for a raise. It is best to wait until you have one-on-one time with your boss rather than bringing it up in the middle of a team meeting.

4. Be Confident

Present your case for a raise confidently and unemotionally. Be prepared to showcase your accomplishments to your supervisor in an assertive manner. Be straightforward.

Remember to think of it as if you were selling something—in this case yourself. Would you want to buy something from a salesperson who is unsure about his or her product?

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive.

5. Ask Mindfully

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive. It’s important to be mindful of your tone and choice of words when you ask for a raise. In most cases, this is a negotiation. Try your best to control your emotions and stay calm, cool, and collected.

In addition to being mindful of how you ask, it is important to be mindful of your employer’s ability to grant you a raise. If your employer is experiencing a decrease in sales or just went through a round of layoffs, it might not be the best time to ask for a raise.

6. Avoid Ultimatums and Guilt Trips

Practice a little extra consideration if you choose to bring up loyalty. While it may be tempting to do this, you’ll want to be careful. Don’t go straight for an ultimatum and threaten to quit, as you could be putting your job at risk.

Be thoughtful when addressing the possibility of accepting a position at another company. Do so in a manner that is subtle rather than threatening. You might consider telling your employer how much you love the job, but you feel you should be compensated better for your quality work.

Also, avoid guilt-tripping your boss. While he or she may be sympathetic that your rent just went up, it isn’t relevant to your work performance and should not be used as any kind of argument for a pay increase. Rather than providing personal reasons, focus on showcasing your value to the company.

7. Prepare for Possible Rejection

When asking for a raise, it’s best to remain rational and objective and not bring your emotions into the conversation. If you aren’t prepared to hear “no,” then you might end up saying or doing something in the heat of the moment that you could wind up regretting.

Accept the fact you might be rejected and have a plan of action in the event that it happens. It may be possible to negotiate a reasonable bonus structure instead, or perhaps negotiate a smaller raise. You might ask your boss what you can do to increase the possibility of a future raise.

There Is Help If Workplace Issues Are Affecting Your Life

Asking for a raise can be nerve-racking for even the most confident employee. But if you’re experiencing anxiety stemming from concerns about your pay or other workplace issues that interfere with your ability to carry out your duties, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in dealing with workplace problems.

We spend nearly a third of our adult lives at work, which inevitably spills over into our personal lives. If you need help sorting through feelings, experiences, or even trauma as a result of your work environment, there are people in or near your community trained to help with those issues.

References:

1. Morgan, H. (2015, January 15). How to Ask for A Raise—and Actually Get It. S. News. Retrieved from http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2015/01/14/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-actually-get-it
2. Triffin, M. (2014, May 7). How to Ask for A Raise—and Get it. Retrieved from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2014/05/07/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-get-it/

Pop quiz: What do the moon landings, the JFK assassination, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks have in common?

Give up?

While each event touched the lives of millions of people and left indelible marks on American history, there is a third similarity: these events were all staged … or so some people who believe in conspiracy theories may argue.

Conspiracy theories posit that people, groups, organizations, or governments deliberately withhold or cover up the truth surrounding events and situations. While conspiracy theories typically lack the concrete evidence of more conventional explanations, they nevertheless exist and are upheld within a percentage of the population. Perhaps you’re not losing sleep over an alleged alien spacecraft hidden somewhere near Roswell, New Mexico or deadly diseases supposedly manufactured as a means of population control, but some people are convinced that those in authority are working together to conceal the truth surrounding certain events.

For some, there might be comfort in thinking they know something most people don’t, but that doesn’t mean the fringe is a comfortable place to be. For people who believe in explanations that differ from the mainstream or the historical record, their mental health may be called into question.

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Mistrust Isn’t Always Misplaced

There is a rich history of conspiracy theories in the United States, partly because its democratic society allows for free speech, partly because of its robust and shadowy intelligence community, and partly because, well, conspiracies in America have been uncovered before.

During the Cold War, for example, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) conducted illegal scientific research to see if it could control people’s minds. The CIA used LSD, hypnosis, and biological agents on people, often without their knowledge, to study how it affected their behavior. The program was conducted over two decades, enlisted the help of top researchers at more than 30 universities, and cost American taxpayers more than $20 million.

While to many people that may sound like a far-fetched idea cooked up on a conspiracy theory website, the program was called Project MK-ULTRA and was uncovered by an investigation headed by Senator Frank Church and Vice President Nelson Rockefeller in 1975.

People who are believers in conspiracy theories are correct in their assertion that things are not always as they seem.

Conspiracies and Public Perception

Conspiracy theories are often assumed to be the paranoid delusions of a troubled minority. However, a national survey published in April 2013 by Public Policy Polling shows that as many as 21% of Americans believe that an alien spaceship crashed in Roswell, and that the government covered it up.

Some other results from the poll include:

• 5% of voters believe that Paul McCartney died in 1966
• 7% of voters believe the moon landing was faked
• 9% of voters believe the government adds fluoride to the water supply for sinister reasons
• 15% of voters believe that new diseases are invented by the medical and pharmaceutical industries for profit
• 20% of voters believe there is a link between childhood vaccines and autism

Although it can be assumed that some people who believe in conspiracy theories have mental health conditions that factor into their perceptions of reality, many people who can think rationally and whose mental health has never been compromised hold tight to conspiracy theories.

Why is that?

Cass Sunstein, a law professor at Harvard, former administrator of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs, and author of Conspiracy Theories and Other Dangerous Ideas, said in an interview with U.S. News & World Report: “Under conditions of fear or anger, as for example following a bad event, people want to find a cause, and they also want to resolve their own uncertainty. So if you’ve seen an assassination, or a terrible economic downturn or a missing plane, there may be an inclination to posit an agent who’s behind it.”

Many conspiracy theories are created simply to explain things that may seem unexplainable. Some researchers believe they fulfill important social functions or psychological needs. They may give believers higher self-esteem by making them feel superior to others who think differently; they offer people perceived power over events in which they have no influence; and they can help believers make sense of trauma, tragedy, and catastrophe.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public.
Conspiracy theories tend to stick in society and popular culture because they are much harder to disprove than they are to introduce, especially in cases where the facts are redacted or withheld from the public. Also, it’s easier than ever to find people who share your views; conspiracy theories tend to spread easily on the Internet among like-minded populations that readily accept them. They can perpetuate good, bad, or indifference, depending on who receives them.

Building the Belief: Is It All a Conspiracy?

While many people tend to keep an open mind about major world events, someone who is labeled a “conspiracy theorist” may construct and maintain a worldview that is defined by conspiracies. He or she may display what psychologists refer to as a “monological belief system” wherein unexplained events are perceived as being part of a master plan. Alternative explanations are typically rejected outright. For some, conspiracies are seen everywhere, in anything and everything. In fact, one of the greatest predictors of whether someone will believe a conspiracy theory is if he or she already believes other conspiracy theories.

A study by Wood et al. (2011) illustrates that some who believe in conspiracy theories can even reconcile contradicting theories if there is coherence with a strongly held worldview. For example, the study showed that the more people believed Osama bin Laden was already dead when he was found by U.S. troops, the more they believed he is still alive. While the theories clearly contradict each other, both are consistent with the basic worldview that officialdom is fundamentally deceptive.

Studies have found that conspiracy theories are difficult to shed. If evidence to the contrary is presented, people who believe in conspiracy theories typically reason that the evidence was planted or invented to placate skeptics.

Skepticism is often warranted—in fact, it’s the foundation of the media’s role as a government watchdog. But when distrust of that media runs rampant, skepticism is compounded. When the facts are in doubt, people may be inclined to develop beliefs that fit self-serving narratives.

Calling someone a conspiracy theorist can serve as a social mechanism to discredit or exclude that person’s viewpoint. It is sometimes easier to call a person a conspiracy theorist than it is to address his or her questions and concerns, which may further isolate someone who believes in a conspiracy theory.

The Bottom Line

Although people who believe in conspiracy theories may be dismissed or derided by some people as “crazy,” the prevalence of conspiracy theories in American culture and the rest of the world suggests that most people who believe in conspiracy theories are not experiencing some kind of psychopathology. For its part, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders draws no direct link between belief in conspiracy theories and mental health issues. However, some people who believe intensely or even casually in conspiracy theories may also be experiencing mental health issues such as paranoia, schizophrenia, narcissism, delusions, anxiety, or trust issues that affect their everyday lives. Some of these issues have been found to be more prevalent among people who believe in conspiracy theories.

Most people who believe in conspiracy theories are harmless participants in a widespread social phenomenon, but how they act (or don’t act) on their beliefs can have far-reaching social consequences. For example, research shows that some populations who believe in conspiracy theories are less likely to use condoms, seek HIV treatment, take action against climate change, and vaccinate their children.

If mental health conditions are present that make it difficult to distinguish reality from fears and unsettling thoughts, therapy—perhaps in combination with medication—may help. If you or someone you know is experiencing troublesome thoughts beyond what you believe to be healthy, seeking the help of a mental health professional can be a great place to start. Therapy can help a person identify factors that may have contributed to his or her worldview, for better or for worse, as well as what type of treatment and support may be best for addressing any related conditions.

Labeling any person as “crazy”—regardless of his or her thoughts or beliefs—can result in negative effects. For example, calling someone crazy may cause emotional or psychological pain, contribute to the marginalization or dehumanization of certain individuals or groups, or exacerbate stigma surrounding mental health conditions.

References:

1. Douglas, K. M., Sutton, R. M., and Wood, M. J. (2011). Dead and alive: Beliefs in contradictory conspiracy theories. Social Psychology and Personality Science, 3(6), 767-773.
2. Morella, M. (2014, April 21). The Normal Life of Crazy Conspiracy Theories. S. News & World Report. Retrieved from http://www.usnews.com/opinion/articles/2014/04/21/cass-sunstein-explains-why-people-believe-conspiracy-theories
3. Project MKULTRA, The CIA’s Program of Research in Behavioral Modification. 95^th 1 (1977).
4. Rawlings, N. (2010, August). Top 10 Weird Government Secrets. Retrieved from http://content.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2008962_2008964_2008992,00.html.
5. Swami, V., & Coles, R. (2010). The truth is out there. The Psychologist, 23(7), 560-563.

Our circumstances don’t define us. Regardless of what happens in life, we always have the power to choose our attitude. So what’s the difference between someone who remains hopeful despite experiencing great suffering and the person who stubs his or her toe and remains angry the rest of the day? The answer lies in the person’s thinking patterns.

Psychologists use the term “cognitive distortions” to describe irrational, inflated thoughts or beliefs that distort a person’s perception of reality, usually in a negative way. Cognitive distortions are common but can be hard to recognize if you don’t know what to look for. Many occur as automatic thoughts. They are so habitual that the thinker often doesn’t realize he or she has the power to change them. Many grow to believe that’s just the way things are.

Cognitive distortions can take a serious toll on one’s mental health, leading to increased stress, depression, and anxiety. If left unchecked, these automatic thought patterns can become entrenched and may negatively influence the rational, logical way you make decisions.

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For those looking to improve their mental health by recognizing pesky cognitive distortions, we’ve compiled a list of 20 common ones that may already be distorting your perception of reality:

How to Change Thinking Patterns and Cognitive Distortions

For many, one or more of these cognitive distortions will look familiar. You may fall into one or more of these traps or know someone who does. The good news is that cognitive distortions don’t have to weigh you down like an anchor.

Thought patterns can be changed through a process referred to in cognitive therapy as cognitive restructuring. The idea behind it is that by adjusting our automatic thoughts, we are able to influence our emotions and behaviors. This is the basis of several popular forms of therapy, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT).

If you feel that one or more of the above cognitive distortions is contributing to feelings of anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, we encourage you to consider finding a qualified therapist you trust to work with you and help transform your negative thoughts and beliefs into empowering affirmations that inspire and uplift you.

References:

1. Beck, Aaron T. (1976). Cognitive therapies and emotional disorders. New York: New American Library.
2. Beck, Aaron T. (1972). Depression; Causes and Treatment. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press.
3. Tagg, John (1996). Cognitive Distortions. Retrieved from http://daphne.palomar.edu/jtagg/cds.htm#cogdis

Most breakups are painful—not just for the couple, but also for those standing in the surrounding blast zone. We often hear about how divorce can affect the immediate family, but we rarely think about how a breakup or divorce affects a couple’s friends.

Studies have shown that divorce often negatively impacts those with up to two degrees of separation from the couple. If you’re friends with a recently divorced or broken-up pair, it is likely that your life may be impacted in one of the following ways.

1. You’re More Likely to Get Divorced

You wouldn’t necessarily think that someone else’s divorce could affect your marriage, but some studies show it can.

Divorce contagion is a social phenomenon wherein certain behaviors, feelings, and attitudes spread throughout a social network. This occurs because people tend to become more open to ideas and behaviors when they’re supported by their peers. When a married person talks with a divorced friend, he or she directly or indirectly learns the benefits and drawbacks of separation and may become more accustomed to or interested in the idea. If your significant other has been on the fence about the viability of your relationship, a divorce within your social circle can become a tipping point.

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According to prominent research, if your friend gets divorced, your marriage has a 147% greater chance of coming to an end. Even your coworker’s divorce could affect your life, increasing your probability for divorce by 55%. According to the same research, however, if you have children your marriage will likely remain unaffected by the divorce of a friend. Children have been found to counter the effects of the social divorce contagion. Research reveals that couples with children are not as susceptible and their marriages are likely to stay intact regardless of the outcome of friends’ marriages.

2. Couple Friendships May Dissolve

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship and both you and your partner are friends with parting couples, it is quite possible that many or all of the shared friendships will dissolve. The double dates to movies, dinners, and sporting events will end immediately, but it may even be difficult to remain friends with an individual within a shared friendship.

Newly single people tend to dislike spending time with couples if it reminds them of an ended marriage or relationship that didn’t pan out. Similarly, couples may feel uneasy about spending time with a newly divorced friend if they were once friends with both partners. They may feel pressured to choose sides or reveal information to one party about the other.

In one study examining the fallout effect of ended relationships, for 50% of recently split couples, the former partners also ended friendships with one or more members of another couple with whom the former partners had been friends. One in eight couples ended their friendships with both partners in a mutual friendship. Don’t be too discouraged by these findings, however. It is quite possible to maintain your friendships after a relationship has ended. In fact, about 33% of the couples in the same study reported that they were able to remain friends with both of the individuals in a shared friendship.

3. Group Outings and Events May Never Be the Same

As mentioned earlier, if a couple in your social circle splits, your group of friends could end up losing one or both individuals from the recently parted couple. If your group is able to maintain the friendships, however, there will probably still be some difficulties when planning events such as birthday parties, group dinners, or other events that bring everyone together. One partner may not wish to see the other, forcing the group to choose when making invitations. One or both members of the former couple may choose not to come to a group event out of fear of seeing the other, or they could both come and end up arguing or making the event awkward for others in attendance.

It should be stressed that this isn’t always the case. Many couples are able to maintain healthy friendships and treat each other with kindness and respect. Regardless, your group of friends will notice some changes when it comes to getting the gang together.

4. Remaining Neutral Could Be Difficult

Most people who are mutual friends with both members of a divorced or split couple will choose to remain neutral and maintain friendships with both parties. Unfortunately, this isn’t always easy. Many people feel pressured to choose between friends, and they may not know how they should act around their newly divorced pals.

For this reason, people may start to distance themselves and friendships could weaken. As a mutual friend of the couple, expect to experience some uncomfortable feelings in the months following the breakup.

Help Your Friends Reach Out for Help If They Need It

Ending a relationship or filing for divorce is tough on all involved parties, including a couple’s friends. In the days, weeks, and months following a breakup or divorce, people generally reach out to friends for support, confirmation that they did the right thing, and a shoulder to lean or cry on. Be a good friend and be aware of some of the changes within your friend’s life.

If your friend has recently ended a relationship, know that some things are going to change, especially if he or she (or they) belonged to a larger social circle that you’re a part of. Be sensitive to these changes and try to help your friend get through them. If you notice he or she is exhibiting symptoms of depression or experiencing an unusual amount of stress and anxiety, please consider helping your friend find a qualified therapist to speak with. A therapist can provide a safe, neutral space, free of judgment, to help a person understand his or her feelings and behaviors related to the ended relationship, and the shifting dynamics that will inevitably occur after the split.

References:

1. Chen, Stephanie. (June 10, 2010). Could you be ‘infected’ by friend’s divorce? Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/06/10/divorce.contagious.gore/
2. Deal, Katherine H., and Grief, Geoffrey. (August 31, 2012). The impact of divorce on friendships with couples and individuals. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage. Vol 53, Issue 6. DOI: 10.1080/10502556.2012.682894
3. Morin, Rich. (October 21, 2013). Is divorce contagious? Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/
4. Moutria, Kristen. The Effect of Divorces on Mutual Friendships. Global Post. Retrieved from http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/effects-divorces-mutual-friendships-14139.html

Confidence is something we all struggle with from time to time. We want to feel sure of ourselves, but those little whispers of self-doubt show up whenever we want to put ourselves out there, take risks, or try something new. They tell us to play it safe and do things the way we’ve always done them to avoid getting hurt, embarrassed, or rejected, but you don’t always have to listen to them. In fact, doing things your conscience deems unsafe or out-of-the-norm is a great way to build confidence.

Cultivating confidence is the first step toward healthy self-esteem and personal growth, but it isn’t easy for most people. In order to foster confidence, you may have to do something you’ve never done or think in a way you haven’t thought. This can be scary, but know that cognitive restructuring and adjusting behaviors are essential parts of many types of effective therapy.

To help you on your journey to become more confident, here are eight suggestions to get you started:

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1. Face a Fear

Fear is usually at the root of a lack of self-confidence. When you’re scared of the outcome of something, you aren’t likely to go into it feeling assured. Until you face your fear head-on, it controls you and makes the voice of self-doubt louder.

Think about a fear you faced and recall how you felt afterward. Perhaps you felt liberated and proud; you might have even wanted to do the thing you were afraid of again.

Make a commitment to do something that scares you every day, once a week, or once a month and watch your confidence quickly grow.

2. Befriend Failure

If you haven’t failed, you haven’t tried. In order to truly be successful, you have to be comfortable with the possibility of failure. The more you fail, the more you’ll learn and grow. Accept your mistakes and use them to propel you forward.

Failure often seems like the end of the road, but it’s probably just the beginning. Once you accept the initial disappointment, you’ll be able to move forward better equipped to succeed the next time. By taking risks and being willing to fail, you’ll learn to believe in yourself and your capabilities.

3. Doubt Your Doubt

Doubt is the enemy of confidence. It keeps us feeling uncertain and, sometimes, even makes us a bit cynical. If you start doubting yourself, counteract it by doubting your doubt. Question the truth of what your doubt is saying to you.

Perhaps your doubt is saying, “Oh, I’m really not good at this.” Question those limiting beliefs whenever they arise. You’ll likely realize there aren’t many facts to back up the doubtful assertion.

4. Affirm Your Strengths, Talents, and Accomplishments

People who lack self-confidence tend to focus more on their weaknesses than their strengths. Make a list of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Be honest with yourself and try reading from this list daily to remind you of your greatness.

Don’t hesitate to write something like, “I am beautiful and wonderful” in red lipstick on your mirror. Though it may seem cliché, it works. We tend to believe in messages we are constantly exposed to—just ask an advertising executive.

Your confidence is influenced tremendously by your daily thoughts, especially recurring thoughts. Consistency is key to lasting change. If you want to be more confident, make a habit of reminding yourself of your unique gifts and abilities.

5. Embody Confidence

Fake it ’til you make it. Ever heard that phrase?

If you want to be more confident, feel more confident. When you find yourself feeling nervous and unsure, stop for a moment, close your eyes, and think of a time when you felt confident and self-assured. Use all of your senses to bring you back to that moment. In doing this, you’ll be more able to cultivate that feeling in the present moment.

Also, consider your posture. Choose a body posture that looks and feels confident. Next, think about your clothing and style. Dress to impress—yourself! Dress in a way that makes you feel good. If you look good to you, you’ll feel good, and feeling good often leads to higher self-confidence.

6. Listen to Empowering Music

Music is a great for evoking emotion. When you want to feel more confident, turn on some music that lifts you up.

If you’ve never used music to inspire motivation, we suggest these confidence-inducing songs:

• “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
• “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell
• “We Will Rock You” by Queen
• “Perfect” by Pink
• “Happy” by Pharrell Williams
• “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor
• “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
• “I Feel Good” by James Brown
• “Survivor” by Destiny’s Child
• “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars
• “Lose Yourself” by Eminem
• “Beautiful Day” by U2

Press play on one of these tracks and turn the volume up before a workout, job interview, date, or some other event that requires you to summon confidence.

7. Set a Realistic Goal and Take Action to Achieve It

Your achievements contribute greatly to your feelings of self-confidence. By making a commitment and following through with it, you’ll learn to trust yourself and your abilities more.

Often, we make extreme resolutions—think New Year’s resolutions—that require broad, sweeping change. Then we don’t stick to them. It happens every year: people who exercise once a month try to exercise an hour each day and almost inevitably make it about a week or two before they give up. By not following through on a commitment we make to ourselves, we lose trust and faith in our abilities, and our confidence suffers as a result.

New habits take a significant amount of time, effort, and dedication to cultivate. When setting new goals, be realistic and make sure that your goals are attainable. Start slowly and set small goals that you can build on. By following through with your commitments, no matter how small, you’ll learn to trust yourself and gain confidence in what you’re capable of achieving.

8. Make a Difference

Do something to give back and contribute to society. Consider volunteering or making a donation to your favorite charity. Do something for someone else. It doesn’t have to be a major contribution; even something as simple as helping your elderly neighbor carry her groceries will make you feel good (and more valuable).

By making a personal contribution, it reminds you that your individual choices have an impact on the world. Realizing your true significance as an individual will empower you and increase your feelings of self-confidence.

Choose One Suggestion from Our List and Give It a Shot

If you really want to be more confident, consider choosing just one of the suggestions above that resonates with you. Even if it seems quirky, try it. Focus on one thing at a time and adjust a simple thought or behavior and it could go a long way toward building your confidence.

If you try to do too much at once, you may become overwhelmed. Remember that confidence is a state of trust, which, like any therapeutic relationship, takes time to build. Be patient with yourself and know the journey begins with one step. Take baby steps and, before you know it, you will arrive at your destination feeling confident and capable.

It happened. You knew it would, but you didn’t think it would happen so quickly. In spite of any hope you had of slowing down the clock, you woke up one day to find that your child is not so childlike anymore. Suddenly, hormones are raging, romantic feelings are developing, and, of course, it doesn’t stop there. Before you know it, your teen may be entering the dating world.

For many, raising a teenager is the most intimidating chapter of parenthood. Discipline becomes increasingly difficult and may feel impossible to maintain. It’s tough to know when to set rules and when to give freedom, when to bend and when to stand firm, when to intervene and when to let live.

Communication is often one of the trickiest minefields to navigate. It’s a struggle to know what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. These conversations and decisions only become more challenging when the time comes for your teen to start dating. As we near the end of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, we want to remind parents how important it is to do their part to help prevent teen dating violence and promote healthy relationships.

If you are a parent to a blossoming teen, consider discussing these crucial aspects of relationships with your child before he or she enters into a relationship:

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1. Define a Healthy Relationship

Be sure to teach your teen about the foundations of a healthy relationship. Explain that a healthy relationship comes from respect, mutual understanding, trust, honesty, communication, and support.

A relationship should consist of healthy boundaries that are established and respected by both partners equally. A good partner will accept you as you are, support your personal choices, and praise you for your achievements. A healthy relationship also allows both partners to maintain outside interests and friendships, and does not hinder the personal freedom of either partner.

2. Describe the Different Types of Abuse and Associated Warning Signs

There are many different types of abuse your teen should be aware of before entering into a relationship. These include physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and digital abuse, as well as stalking.

• Physical abuse occurs when a person uses physical force to harm another, but need not result in visible injuries to qualify. Hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, choking, and using weapons are all forms of physical abuse.
• Emotional abuse can take the form of insults, humiliation, degradation, manipulation, and intimidation. Emotional abuse can involve forced isolation, coercion, or use of fear or guilt to control or belittle.
• Sexual abuse involves any act that directly or indirectly impacts a person’s ability to control their own sexual activity and the conditions surrounding it. It can take many forms, including forced sexual activity, using other means of abuse to pressure one into an activity, and restricting access to condoms or birth control.
• Financial abuse is a form of emotional abuse that uses money or material items as a means of power and control over another person.
• Digital abuse is any form of emotional abuse using technology. A person may use social media, texting, or other technological means to intimidate, manipulate, harass, or bully someone.
• Stalking is persistent harassment, monitoring, following, or watching of another person. These behaviors can be difficult for teens to recognize as abuse, as they may sometimes see it as flattering or believe the other person is engaging in such behaviors only out of love.

If you’re feeling unsure about how to teach your teen to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, or if you would like additional resources on the warning signs of relationship abuse or promoting positive relationships, consider visiting loveisrespect.org.

Loveisrespect is a nonprofit organization that works to educate young people about healthy relationships and create a culture free of abuse. Its website offers a wealth of information for teens and parents and provides 24/7 support via phone, text, or chat.

3. Explain the Differences between Lust, Infatuation, and Love

Distinguishing between infatuation and love can be difficult for many adults; imagine how complicated it can be for a teenager who is experiencing many new feelings for the first time. Take a moment to explain to your teen that attraction and desire are physiological responses that can occur separately from emotions.

Make sure he or she understands that infatuation is not the same as love. Infatuation may give us butterflies, goose bumps, and that “can’t eat, can’t sleep” type of feeling, but it isn’t the same as love. Love takes time to grow, whereas infatuation may happen almost instantly.

4. Talk Realistically about Sex

While it may be tempting to skip this conversation, it’s in everyone’s best interests to talk to your teen about sex. Ask yourself whether you want your teen to hear this information from you or someone else.

On its website, the Mayo Clinic suggests turning the topic into a discussion rather than a presentation. Be sure to get your teen’s point of view and let your teen hear all sides from you. Discuss the pros and cons of sex honestly. Talk about questions of ethics, values, and responsibilities associated with personal or religious beliefs.

5. Set Expectations and Boundaries

It is important to set expectations and boundaries you have now regarding your teen dating rather than defining them through confrontation later. Let your teen know any rules you may have, such as curfews, restrictions on who or how they date, who will pay for dates, and any other stipulations you might have. Give your teen an opportunity to contribute to the discussion, which can help foster trust.

6. Offer Your Support

Be sure to let your teen know you support him or her in the dating process. Tell your teen you can drop off or pick up him or her, lend a compassionate and supportive ear when necessary, or help acquire birth control if that fits with your parenting and personal philosophies. However you intend to support your teen, make sure he or she knows that you are available.

7. Use Gender-Inclusive Language that Remains Neutral to Sexual Orientation

When you open the discussion with your teen about relationships and sexuality, consider using gender-inclusive language that remains neutral to sexual orientation. For example, you might say something like, “Are you interested in finding a boyfriend or girlfriend?” rather than automatically assuming your teen has a preference for the opposite sex. Deliver this language with genuine openness and love.

By opening up the possibility of being attracted to both genders right away, you will not only make it easier for your teen to be open with you about his or her sexual orientation, but you’ll likely make your teen feel more comfortable with his or her identity, regardless of who your teen chooses to date.

8. Be Respectful

Most importantly, be respectful when talking to your teen about dating and relationships. If you communicate with your teen in a gentle, nonobtrusive manner that respects his or her individuality, opinions, and beliefs, then your teen will be much more likely to do the same for you. This helps to create a healthy and open line of communication between you and your child and ultimately could improve your teen’s self-esteem.

9. Know When to Ask for Outside Help

There is help available if you’re struggling to talk to your teen about dating and sexuality. In addition to our advice, there are numerous resources available online to help you start a constructive conversation. Additionally, if your teen is experiencing relationship problems and/or your talks about relationships aren’t going well, consider finding a family therapist who can help mediate the conversations and promote emotional intelligence and healthy behaviors. Teaching your kids what it means to be in a healthy relationship is simply too important of a message to leave to chance and may even save his or her life someday.

References:

1. Sex education: Talking to your teen about sex. (2017, August 2). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/sexual-health/in-depth/sex-education/art-20044034
2. Types of abuse. Retrieved from http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse