Mother enjoying nature with her daughter and babyThere are few events in life that are as transformative as becoming a parent. So many aspects of your life—your identity, the dynamics with your partner, your sense of control (or lack thereof)—change in ways you can’t possibly imagine or emotionally prepare for. In these ways, having a second child is far less transformative. Nonetheless, there are aspects of having a second child that are novel and unpredictable, and the transition can be quite disruptive to the family system, particularly in terms of its impact on your firstborn.

Fortunately, despite the many disruptions and unknowns, there are some things you can predict about having a second child. Preparing your first child for the arrival of your baby, and yourself to handle issues as they arise after your baby comes home, can greatly help. If you can find ways to include your child in preparations for the baby, set aside time to spend with your child after the baby arrives, set firm limits with your child (particularly around aggressive behavior), and tolerate your feelings of guilt (and your child’s feelings of anger), you may help ease this transition and create an environment of safety and reassurance for your family.

How Can I Prepare My Child for the Arrival of a Sibling?

Unless you are face to face with one, “baby” is a pretty abstract concept, particularly for a child. Before the baby comes home, one of the few concrete manifestations of this concept is pregnancy (assuming the birth mother is part of the family). Children can have very different reactions to watching their mother’s belly grow. Some worry about the health of their mother; others feel alienated and uncomfortable with their mother’s changing body; others still may feel protective toward their mother.

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As a mother, reassuring your child that you are OK and explaining the growth of the fetus along the way is one way to help make the whole baby thing a bit less mysterious and scary. There are also several age-appropriate books that show the growth of the fetus and the journey to birth that you can read to your child.

If you are adopting or using a surrogate, you may not be able to follow the process of pregnancy in vivo. Nonetheless, there are several other ways for adoptive as well as all parents to make the arrival of a second child more concrete for firstborn children.

The more you can share with your child the concrete steps needed to prepare for the baby’s arrival—picking out a crib, buying diapers, etc.—the more real it may feel to your child, and the greater sense of ownership they may have (“It’s my baby, too!”). It’s also a good idea to discuss with your child what is going to happen when you go to the hospital (or, if adopting, go to pick up the baby), and any changes that may affect your child’s schedule (“Grandma is coming to help take care of the baby”). Children need routine and predictability. The fewer surprises and changes to their schedule during this time, the better.

This might also be a good time look at your child’s baby photos with your child, to remind your child they were a baby once, too, and to plant a seed for identification with the baby (“The baby is going to be like me”). You may also want to read your child some books on babies—what they do (eat, sleep, and cry, mostly) as well as books on being a big sibling. Using photos and books as a springboard, you may ask your child about any feelings your child is having about the arrival of the baby, both negative and positive. Given how abstract the birth is at this stage for your child, do not be surprised or disappointed if your child does not wish to discuss or cannot discuss their feelings yet.

What Can I Expect My Child to Feel After the Arrival of the Baby?

Imagine this: Your partner comes home one evening and announces that, as much as they love you, they have met someone new they also love, and this person will now be moving in with the two of you. For many children, the arrival of a younger sibling feels much the same, at least at the beginning. Children typically feel a bit stunned initially, and then start to feel some anger (along with other, positive feelings) toward the baby and/or you.

What Will I Be Feeling After the Baby Comes Home?

Well, imagine that now you are the one who brings home your new great love to live with your partner. How do you think you’d feel toward your partner? Guilt city! One of the hardest things about becoming a parent a second time around is the guilt. It can feel like you are destroying your child’s life, that you have done this horrible, cruel thing. When you have these feelings, it can be helpful to remember that while this transition may be rough on your child, ultimately it is gift you are giving your child (albeit one that may not pay off for a few years).

While there are things you can do to help your child with the transition and offer reassurance of your love, many children struggle with feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, etc., when a sibling is brought home. You may simply not be able to love away these feelings, which means in addition to having to tolerate a certain amount of guilt, you also have to tolerate a certain amount of hurt and anger on your child’s part. Accepting that your child might have a tough time for a while and reminding yourself (and your child) of your love for them may take the edge off this emotional burden.

How Can I Help My Child Through This Difficult Transition?

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Although it may be difficult, especially at the beginning, spending baby-free time with your child can go a long way toward reassuring your child that your feelings have not changed and that you still value the intimacy of your relationship. Even if you can’t spend much time alone, set whatever time you do have aside as “special” time where you do something one-on-one, preferably on a regular, routine basis. This way, you and your child can anticipate your date in advance, which might help your child when they are feeling neglected.

If you have to leave your child to attend to the baby and your child seems upset, acknowledge these feelings (“I know it’s hard when I have to leave our game to go take care of the baby”). If your child is interested, you can include your child in helping out with the baby—diapering, bathing, etc. Feeling that they are part of taking care of the baby can be a very bonding experience for your child with the baby and give your child a sense of ownership and responsibility for the baby. There can also be a “well, if you can’t lick ’em, join ’em” quality to these activities.

You may find that there are certain times of the day when your older child becomes more jealous or angry, times such as bath time or bedtime, when your child is used to having all the attention focused on them. Consider alternating care with your partner or caregiver so that you can spend some time with your older child.

Breastfeeding obviously makes this more difficult. Even if you can’t change your behavior at these difficult times, you might give your child a heads-up beforehand (“Hey, I have to feed the baby in a few minutes, and I know that’s a hard time for you”) and, if the child is old enough, ask if they have any ideas about how to make it easier.

How Do I Handle Negative Behavior in My Child?

Children have different ways of handling their negative feelings regarding the arrival of a younger sibling. Some children seem totally happy, but might start regressing in some aspects of their development, such as toilet training, becoming more dependent, showing signs of separation anxiety, etc. Some children may be very sweet with the baby but get very angry with the parents. And, of course, some children may act aggressively toward the baby.

Regression

Regression during this phase is normal. Many children do not feel ready to give up their status as baby or young child. Others see how much attention their baby sibling is getting and want some of that. To a large extent, regression is a call for attention. As such, if you are able to tolerate the regression without focusing too much on it, and give your child positive attention where possible, this behavior generally passes relatively quickly. If your child wants to pretend to be a baby and crawl around and cuddle in your lap from time to time, why not? To some extent, all of our children, no matter how old, are still our babies, and need this reassurance from time to time. Telling our children that they have to be “big kids” now may very well feel like a withdrawal of love or attention.

This is not to say you should allow your 4-year-old to go back to wearing diapers. However, when saying no to your child, you might want to offer an alternative activity, such as being rocked in your lap, etc., that allows your child to regress and feel loved in that special, nurturing way.

Anger at Parents

Some children start to express aggression toward their parents when a sibling arrives, such as hitting, temper tantruming, or acting out in other ways. The tricky part here is that because parents often feel responsible for or guilty about their child’s anger, they find it hard to set limits.

While it is important to be empathic with your child during this time and make some allowances for how difficult this period might be for them, setting firm limits when your child is acting out or being aggressive is still very important, as much for the child as for you. No child wants to feel like a monster or feel out of control.

Anger at the Baby

If there is one activity that sweeps away our guilt over having a second child and gets us in touch with our anger, it is witnessing our child acting aggressively toward our baby. Evolution has hardwired us to protect our baby, and those instincts need to be heeded. We must protect the baby from harm, first and foremost. This means making it clear to our child that aggressive acts—hitting, pushing, shaking, etc.—will not be tolerated.

When children are acting aggressively toward baby siblings, their intention generally is not to harm the baby (though maybe getting the baby to cry would be fun). The issue is that children simply do not always know what is safe. Our job is to teach our children how to be safe around the baby and how to express their anger and resentment in other, more appropriate ways. Limits must be implemented firmly in the area of baby safety.

Feelings-wise, though, when children say they hate their baby siblings, our role is not to tell them they do not hate the baby or that it is not OK to hate the baby, but to acknowledge their feelings and help make the feelings less scary. If “hate” is not a word that you are comfortable with, you can always mirror back to your child, “You are really angry at the baby right now.” If your child says they want the baby dead, you can restate it as, “You really don’t want the baby here right now!” In this way, you are both validating your child’s negative feelings (all feelings are OK) and making those feelings less scary. Your child will learn that although there are moments when they do hate the baby or wish the baby was gone, these are just feelings, not actions, and they will pass and change over time. It is rare for siblings to love each other without hating each other at times, or at least having some negative feelings.

Reading books to your child is another great way to help children express their negative feelings about a younger sibling. When my second child was born, my older child, then 3 years old, could not get enough of Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes (1995)—a book about, well, a child who hates her baby sibling … at least at first.

In Julius, the Baby of the World and, for the most part, in life, siblings do come, over time, to love each other (and sometimes even like each other), and your gift of a younger sibling to your older child will become just that, a gift. In the meantime, if you can hold tight and tolerate your and your child’s tough feelings, spend alone time with your child, and maintain firm limits, you will be well on your way!

Unhappy Mother Dressed For Work Holding Baby In BedroomMany years ago, before I had children, I worked with a parent who confided that she would sometimes get so frustrated with her baby that she fantasized about throwing him out the window. I was horrified to hear this, and thought there was something really troubled about this parent—that is, until I had my own (colicky) baby and began to have similar fantasies.

Just to be clear, neither this parent nor I was going to hurt anyone. There is a world of difference between fantasizing and acting. But our feelings of frustration and hate were very real and powerful. And we are not alone. Having had the pleasure of both participating in and leading several parenting support groups over the years, I can tell you that many parents have feelings of hate or other strongly negative feelings toward their kids at one time or another.

So, if hating our children is so ubiquitous, why isn’t it more openly acknowledged?

We have all heard (ad nauseam) about the positive feelings we are supposed to cultivate in ourselves and express toward our children, feelings such as patience, acceptance, unconditional love, pride, etc. Rarely, though, do we hear about the validity of feeling hate or other strongly negative feelings toward our children.

Fortunately, this has shifted somewhat in the past decade or so. The proliferation of parent support groups where the expression of negative feelings is accepted and supported, and the publication of books such as the satirical parenting guides Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us by Laurie Kilmartin, et al., Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault by Bunmi Laditan, and the faux children’s book Go the F**k to Sleep by Adam Mansbach and Ricardo Cortes, have helped normalize parents’ negative feelings. Despite these advances, however, a culture of secrecy and shame around hating our kids persists.

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In order to understand why this is, it might be helpful to first look at the question of why we hate our kids.

To some extent, it’s just common sense: spending hours upon hours, days upon days, years upon years taking care of someone who is dependent on you, but often demanding and resentful of you, naturally breeds some negative feelings.

For a more in-depth look at parental hate, Donald Winnicott (a psychoanalyst and coiner of the phrase “the good enough mother”) explained it best when he gave the following reasons (among others) as to why a mother might hate her baby (1975; p. 201).

And yet, Winnicott goes on, for all the hate the mother may feel toward her baby, she must learn to tolerate this feeling without acting on it or expressing it in its raw, rageful form (p. 202). In short, mothers—and I would add fathers, too—must contain their feelings of rage. Perhaps it is this need for containment and the challenges this task poses that explains why parental hate is still somewhat taboo.

But what does it even mean to contain one’s negative feelings toward one’s child? And why is it so important?

I would argue that containment is achieved when parents are able to accept and integrate into their emotional landscape, at least to some extent, their negative feelings toward their children. Generally, when we fail to accept our negative feelings toward our children, we act in one of two ways: we become rageful or we withdraw emotionally, either of which can be problematic.

When we rage at our children, we give them the message that we are not in control of our negative feelings, that negative feelings are scary and bad, and that any such feelings they have should be expressed in a similar way, or hidden away because they are too scary.

Alternatively, when we cut ourselves off from our negative feelings or hide them away such that we don’t have access to and don’t express them to our children, our children get the message that negative feelings are unacceptable and wrong and that when they feel and/or express negative feelings, they are bad for doing so. Having negative feelings becomes a scary, lonely, and powerless experience.

So, if we aren’t supposed to act on or hide our hateful feelings toward our kids, what the heck do we do with them?

As I suggested above, the first step is to accept them, to not feel ashamed of them, to understand that they are valid. In this way, we come to integrate these feelings into the rest of who we are and what we feel. In practice, this might mean sharing our feelings with other parents, complaining about or talking trash about our kids to others, or maybe speaking with a counselor or therapist—release! Often, this is enough for us to feel sane and in control and to contain our negative feelings in a way our child needs.

Sometimes, though, it is not enough for us to calmly hold our negative feelings without expressing them. Sometimes our children need to feel our hate or negative feelings toward them—not necessarily in their raw form, but in a controlled way.

Why is this? Why do our children ever need to experience our hate toward them?

How Psychoanalysis Can Inform Parenting

Once again, I believe Winnicott explained it best when he stated (1975): “It seems doubtful whether a human child as he develops is capable of tolerating the full extent of his own hate in a sentimental environment. He needs hate to hate.” (p. 202)

Hyman Spotnitz, founder of modern psychoanalysis, a branch of psychoanalysis, elaborated on Winnicott’s thesis when he wrote about the relationship between the therapist and the person in therapy. In psychoanalysis, it is believed that the relationship between the person in therapy and the therapist inherently evokes feelings from the former’s past (and sometimes the therapist’s, too), particularly with regards to the relationship to his or her parents. When evoked in the context of the psychoanalytic relationship, certain powerful feelings can arise in the person toward the therapist and the therapist towards the person in therapy, including feelings of hate.

Although he cautioned against expressing all of one’s feelings toward the people one works with in therapy, Spotnitz warned against the therapist always hiding his negative feelings (2004). He wrote, “To allot too little hate to a patient who needs to learn to experience and sustain it comfortably is unjust. To give him too little feeling because the analyst has too much of it is a technical error. The patient is entitled to whatever feeling—positive or negative—he needs …” (p. 159)

Spotnitz further writes (2004) that the therapist needs to express his hatred in order to help the person in therapy experience and sustain his or her own negative feelings. In this way, the therapist helps the person feel less alone with his or her hate, feel that the therapist is more like him/her, with a more equitable balance of goodness and badness (that is, the person is not all bad for his or her negative feelings, and the therapist not all good for not expressing his/hers).

Spotnitz also suggests (2004) that the sharing of the therapist’s hate can reassure the person in therapy of his or her impact on the therapist, giving the person a sense of control and power. Furthermore, when the therapist expresses negative feelings to the person, the person can see that the therapist’s verbal expression does not necessarily lead to action, the therapist thereby modeling for the person the importance of putting feelings into words rather than acting out.

While I do not advocate being therapists to our children (in fact, I strongly caution against it), I would argue that many of the beliefs of psychoanalysis more generally, and modern psychoanalysis specifically, very much apply to parenting. We need to try to accept and integrate our feelings of hate and other negative feelings toward our children so that we can contain them and, when appropriate, choose to express them to our children in a controlled fashion. In this way, our children can see that we have powerful, negative feelings, too, and that they are not alone with their scary, hateful feelings and are not bad for having them. We let our children know that despite how powerless they feel at times, they do have some power in being able to affect us and stir up powerful feelings in us. We help our children accept and integrate their own hate, so that it becomes one of many feelings they can experience and express, not one that is split off and acted out because of fear or shame.

In short, sometimes our hate can be helpful to our kids.

So, what does “helpful hate” look like in practice?

How Hate Can Be Helpful

To illustrate, I recount a situation with a parent, whom I shall call Angela, who was a member of one of my parenting groups.

Angela was a parent of two—a 6-year-old girl, whom I will call Josephine, and a 3-year-old boy whom I will call Sam. Josephine had been a very easy baby and toddler; she had a calm temperament and was well-behaved. Angela felt confident and competent in her parenting of Josephine.

It was therefore a bit of a surprise and disappointment to Angela when Sam was born and turned out to be a very difficult baby and toddler. Much more physically developed than verbal, Sam would get frustrated when he didn’t get his way and couldn’t express himself, and would often hit Angela, quite hard, to express his frustration. Angela would become enraged and scream at Sam when he hit her. Sam, in turn, became very scared and would start sobbing inconsolably, at which point Angela would feel so guilty that she would apologize profusely and try to comfort Sam, to no avail. Unfortunately, this became a cycle, with Angela and Sam clearly both very upset about what was happening between them, but with the hitting and screaming continuing.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

When Angela spoke in the parenting group about this dynamic, she expressed deep shame about her rage and her screaming and the cycle in which she and Sam were engaged. She so desperately wanted to be in control and to figure out a way to break the cycle.

After several weeks of discussing her predicament, one of the other members of the group blurted out, “Sam’s a terror! Of course you want to scream at him! It’s a miracle you don’t hit him back!” Angela looked stunned, but then burst out laughing, as did the rest of the group.

It seemed that something had been liberated in Angela. She had finally been given permission to accept her strongly negative feelings toward Sam. Little by little, Angela was able to discuss and accept her more negative feelings—her disappointment that Sam wasn’t easier like his sister, her anger at Sam for leading her to feel like an inadequate parent, and much more.

Over time, these feelings stopped being so scary and shameful to Angela. As Angela became more accepting of her negative feelings, her rage began to dissipate, and when Sam hit her, she often felt “simply” angry rather than enraged. Angela began to feel more in control of her feelings and more able to focus on what to do with Sam in a less reactive, guilty way.

Over time, Angela’s yelling at Sam began to decrease. Rather, when Sam hit her, Angela would firmly and somewhat angrily tell Sam to stop, that she knew he was mad but that hitting was not OK, that if he was mad, he could yell “No!” or “I’m mad!” She would then send Sam to his room for a time-out.

It seemed to have the desired effect. Over time, Sam’s hitting greatly decreased and his use of the words “no!” and “mad!” greatly increased. It would seem that, for both Sam and Angela, negative feelings had become more acceptable, more integrated parts of who they were and how they interacted with each other.

Although it is impossible to know what Sam’s subjective experience of all this was or even to be sure what aspect of Angela’s approach was effective, I would speculate that because of the changes in Angela’s feelings and actions, she was able to accomplish at least some of the following:

Of course, there are times when this type of approach doesn’t work for a variety of reasons. Hey, nothing works all the time in parenting. We are human; we lose control; our kids lose control. And certainly, many parents are perfectly capable of handling their hatred and other negative feelings without the help of psychoanalysis.

Nonetheless, what I think is unique about psychoanalysis and what it can contribute to parenting is its ability to help people learn about and accept all their feelings, both positive and negative, and to show people what to do with their feelings (contain, express, etc.), particularly the more difficult ones such as hate.

As parents, when we learn how to do these things, we become more comfortable with who we are and what we feel, and can therefore be more in control and more deliberate in our parenting choices. And all this helps us be the best parents we can be, no matter what we are feeling toward our children.

References:

  1. Kilmartin, L., Moline, K., Ybarbo, A., & Zoellner, Mary Ann. (2012). Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us. Harry Abrams.
  2. Latidan, B. (2015). Toddlers Are A**holes: It’s not Your Fault. Workman Publishing Company.
  3. Mansbach, A., & Cortes, R. (2011). Go the F**k to Sleep. Akashic Books.
  4. Spotnitz, H. (2004). Modern Psychoanalysis of the Schizophrenic Patient. YBK Publishers.
  5. Winnicott, D.W. (1975). Hate in the Countertransference. Through Pediatrics to Psychoanalysis, pp. 194-203. New York: Basic Books.

father talking to sonIt’s a commonly held belief that while our parents’ generation failed to pay enough attention to our thoughts and feelings as children, our generation cares too much about our children’s thoughts and feelings. While this is certainly an over-generalization, I believe it reflects an important reality: Parents today have difficulty setting limits and saying “no” to their kids.

This does not mean we should stop listening to our children. Rather, the key to effective limit setting is finding a balance between being firm, on the one hand, and giving our children some control on the other. If we can identify what our children are capable of, hold onto the limits we know to be important, compromise on those we don’t, and include our children in the process when appropriate, the limit setting process can be (if not exactly fun) quite manageable.

To illustrate this point, I would like to start by describing some limit setting dilemmas a few parents with whom I have worked have faced, and a parenting moment of my own (lest anyone think I am suggesting this limit setting stuff is easy). I have changed the names and details for confidentiality purposes.

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Sleepless Sally: Dan and Mary attended a limit setting workshop I gave because their 2-year-old, Sally, was not listening to them. When I asked Dan and Mary about their approach to limit setting, they explained that they never used the word “no” with Sally because it was too negative. Instead, they would try to explain the reason for the limit in a more positive tone. For example, when Sally refused to get ready for bed (a frequent occurrence), they would tell her, “You need your sleep. Aren’t you tired yet? It’s important to get enough sleep.” When I asked them what they would do if Sally started to run into the street by herself, they responded, “Sally, why don’t you stay with Mommy and Daddy?” They knew their approach wasn’t working, but did not know how to fix it.

Trampoline Thomas: Another parent, Karen, who consulted with me about her 5-year-old son, Thomas, explained that Thomas did not respect the limits she tried to set. Karen was particularly upset over a recent visit to a friend’s house. Her friend had a trampoline, which Thomas absolutely loved. Thomas loved it so much, in fact, that he refused to stay at the kitchen table during dinner, instead leaving the table to go on the trampoline. Karen tried to dissuade Thomas from going to the trampoline during dinner, but she couldn’t seem to figure out how to get him to stay. After a few nights of unsuccessfully trying, Karen decided to set a consequence for Thomas: If he got up from the table and went to the trampoline during dinner, he could not play on the trampoline at all the next day. Despite Karen’s warning, at the next dinner Thomas got up and went to the trampoline. The next day, Thomas was not allowed on the trampoline, but that night at dinner, he did the same thing again. When I heard this story, I was surprised; I would have thought a day without the trampoline would have been enough to get Thomas to change his tune. As I inquired more about the consequence and its implementation, however, Karen sheepishly admitted that not only had Thomas been prohibited from using the trampoline, but everyone had been disallowed from using it, lest Thomas be upset about being left out!

Reserved Rachel: While my daughter, Rachel, had always been rather reserved, it wasn’t until she was 9 years old that my husband and I really took in the fact she was not saying hello to anyone in our building (or in public), even if they greeted her first. Pointing out to Rachel that this was rude or that others might not like her did not seem to help, nor did setting consequences or rewards. We were really at a loss.

I recount these stories not to show how lousy these parents and I are at parenting. We aren’t. In fact, we are all loving, caring parents who really just want to figure out how best to support and help our children. Frankly, all parents try things with their kids that don’t work. Rather, I want to use these stories to highlight how complicated limit setting can be and to point out some of the important questions we need to ask ourselves as we go about the job of figuring out how to set limits with our kids. These questions include:

  1. Why are limits important?
  2. How do I know when limits are appropriate?
  3. How do I enforce limits?
  4. When and how should I use consequences?
  5. When and how should I use incentives?

1. Why Are Limits Important?

Sometimes, amid the battle of limit setting, we feel like giving up and giving in. At these times, it can be helpful to remind ourselves why we need to stick with it. And here’s why:

Limits help children feel safe, physically and emotionally: It may seem like our children hate us when we tell them what (not) to do, but unconsciously (and sometimes even consciously), children often have their fingers crossed that we will take charge. Why? Because they don’t have total control over themselves and this is scary for them! Until they learn self-control, which happens slowly over the years, our children rely on us to provide that structure and control. In fact, it is partly how they learn self-control, by internalizing the structures and limits we provide them. It is how they feel safe.

For example, if a 2-year-old is doing something dangerous (like running out into the street), the parent must act quickly (“No!” is great for dangerous situations). Two-year-olds do not have the impulse control or reasoning skills to assess danger on their own. They need to be taught to be cautious and wary of certain situations.

Limits teach children how to regulate their different needs (hunger, tiredness, transitions, etc.): Children need to learn how to listen to their bodies and respond appropriately. This is not something that comes easily or quickly. By having routines and limits for our children, we are helping to regulate our children in ways they are not yet capable of. We are also modeling for them the importance of listening to one’s body and needs.

Perhaps because of our determination not to make the same mistakes our parents made with us and/or because of all the research showing us how smart and capable our children are from very young, parents today often assume that our children are able to regulate their needs on their own, much as adults do. However, this is typically not the case. Learning to self-regulate is a process that happens over many years; it is a developmental task that can’t be rushed. At any given moment in time, we need to figure out what our children are capable of and not ask more from them.

For example, understanding the importance of sleep and being able to choose one’s bedtime is something that Sally, at 2, is simply not capable of. She does not have the cognitive capacity to understand the importance of sleep, delay gratification, or regulate her tiredness and activity level.

Limits teach children important social skills (turn taking, being polite): I am a big believer in allowing children to feel whatever it is they feel, no matter how difficult it may be for them or their parents to handle. However, feeling something and acting on it are two very different things. While a 1-year-old may not be capable of distinguishing between the two, a 5-year-old certainly is.

Thomas, for example, is probably capable of sitting at the dinner table for a reasonable amount of time, assuming he is developmentally more or less on track. At some point, trying to understand why Thomas has trouble sitting at the table will be helpful, but understanding is not a substitute for setting the limit.

Rachel, after much discussion, agreed to work on greetings through role-playing with my husband and me. Rachel also suggested she would try to make eye contact and smile and/or wave to people so that they would not think she was rude. We all agreed on a system for carrying this out. Carried out with starts and fits over time, these solutions helped Rachel feel more comfortable interacting with the outside world.

Parents are one of the primary carriers of culture for our children in these early years. It is our responsibility to teach our children how to be in the world in a way that won’t annoy everyone else. Introducing some of the social graces—sitting at the dinner table, taking turns, greetings, thank yous, etc.—and limiting the no-nos—hitting, biting, grabbing, etc.—is an important part of that job.

Limits help children build self-esteem: When children are able to predict and meet our expectations, they feel more competent. As children learn through our limits how to regulate their needs, handle their feelings, and function effectively in the outside word, they become more confident. However, when we expect too much of them, the opposite can happen; kids can become very frustrated and disappointed in themselves. This brings us to our next question …

2. How Do I Know When Limits Are Appropriate?

I would argue that limits are appropriate when they reflect an understanding of what your child is capable of developmentally, reflect an understanding of your child’s unique needs, and take your (the parents’) needs and preferences into consideration.

One of the problems that Dan and Mary faced with Sally was that they didn’t seem confident about how much sleep she needed. Although it can be hard to know how much sleep an individual child needs, there is a range that is commonly accepted (which you can readily find online). After we discussed this range together, Dan and Mary, through trial and error over a few weeks, were able to figure out how much sleep Sally needed. Feeling more confident about how much sleep Sally needed then made it easier for Dan and Mary to enforce her bedtime. Having a consistent bedtime helped Sally get the sleep her body needed and helped her begin to learn how to self-regulate her own tiredness.

Another reason setting limits is important is that it helps you take care of yourself. For example, having a consistent, reasonably timed bedtime for your child usually gives you some much-needed down time—time to relax, catch up with your partner, and recharge a bit before you face another day of parenting. This benefits not only you, but your child as well. A parent who takes care of himself or herself is generally a happier, more patient parent.

Lastly, when deciding which limits to set, try not to sweat the small stuff. If allowing your child to watch an additional 15 minutes of television gives them a sense of agency and you a much-needed break, why not? As long as the 15 minutes doesn’t turn into two hours, being flexible within your structure gives your child the message you are willing to take their wants and needs into consideration, but that when you set a firm limit, there is a reason for it. In my experience, children tend to respect limits more when there is some flexibility on the stuff that is not as important.

3. How Do I Enforce Limits?

When setting limits, I recommend keeping the following in mind:

Before setting a limit, you need to be confident about why you are setting it. Kids of all ages pick up on doubt. If you start to waver, you are going to have a much harder time setting the limit. When explaining a limit, less is definitely more. With Sally, age 2, “It is time for sleep” is about all she can handle. Said with confidence, Sally will understand the importance of this limit, even if she goes to bed kicking and screaming.

With a child like Thomas, age 5, a longer explanation can be offered, preferably ahead of time rather than in the moment, something in the realm of, “During dinner, you need to sit at the table with everyone else.” “You are not allowed on the trampoline during dinner; it is not safe.” “If you leave the table tonight, you will not be able to use the trampoline at all tomorrow,” or some variation thereof. If your child has questions about the limit you’re setting, feel free to explore, but when it starts to feel repetitive and unproductive, I would suggest ending the conversation with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is how it is going to be.”

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on.

With Thomas, it might even be possible to discuss what is going on for him, what he is feeling, and why he doesn’t want to sit at the dinner table. Perhaps there is something specific that is bothering him. More generally, in setting limits with a 5-year-old, it is often a good idea to ask what limits they consider appropriate. Interestingly, children often come up with harsher limits than we do and are more likely to follow limits they have helped set. Of course, if it feels like your child is playing a game of what-can-I-get-away-with, this is not the route to go.

With Rachel, age 9, I believe she was able to follow through on the agreed-upon strategy in part because she helped come up with the alternatives (eye contact, smile, and waving) herself. Children tend to respond better to limits when they feel like they have some control, no matter how small that control is.

Of course, once you’ve set your limit, you need to enforce it. If you are not able to follow through, the limit obviously gets harder to enforce. However, even if you have had difficulty in the past, it is never too late to start to enforce a limit. A quick heads-up to your child about the change may be useful in advance. “I know I have been letting you get up from the dinner table the past few nights, but tonight is going to be different …” Your child may very well test you for a few nights, but if you are firm, you should be able to get back on track relatively quickly.

Checking in with yourself as to why you are having difficulty enforcing the limit is a good place to start. One reason some parents have difficulty enforcing their limits is because of what I call the “empathy trap.” When our children are upset, we feel badly for them and want to empathize with them. It’s important for us to do this, yes, but when their being upset is connected with a misbehavior or refusal to comply with a limit, we need to be able to separate our children’s behavior from their feelings so we can effectively set the necessary limit. I generally recommend a simple statement of empathy followed by a limit. With Sally, it might mean a sympathetic, “Aww, I know it’s hard,” as you carry her off to bed. With Thomas leaving the table, I might say something like, “I know it is hard for you to sit at the table, but dinner is not over yet.” With Rachel it was, “I know how hard it is for you to greet people in our building, but it is important you not appear rude.”

Later, when the limit setting moment has passed, you might talk to your child about their feelings connected with the (mis)behavior, either through direct conversation (as with Thomas or Rachel) or, for younger children such as Sally, through reading a relevant, age-appropriate book (e.g. on bedtime) or through making a simple observation such as, “Sometimes children get angry at their mommy and daddy when they make them go to bed.” We want to validate all of our children’s feelings, but not all of their behaviors.

4. When and How Should I Use Consequences?

Sometimes you can set a limit and not have to give consequences. Phew! For those times when limits alone seem not to be working, however, consequences can be very effective. Of course, setting consequences is not always easy. One of the difficulties parents face in setting consequences is the worry they will have to keep enforcing the consequence over and over again, which can feel too punishing and depriving, or feel like too much work. However, if consequences are chosen wisely, enforcing them just a few times is often enough to deter the continuation of the misbehavior without being overly punitive.

The key to effective consequences is finding ones that are realistic in terms of age-appropriateness and practicality, relevant to the behavior you are limiting, and are something you have the means and wherewithal to follow through on. In the example with Thomas, Karen was able to pick a consequence that was realistic insofar as it was developmentally appropriate and seemingly practical and relevant insofar as it involved the trampoline, but she didn’t seem to have the wherewithal or confidence to follow through. She simply could not tolerate the idea of Thomas being left out.

One consequence that is particularly controversial among parents and parenting experts is the timeout. There are probably as many opinions about timeouts as there are parents and experts, so my opinion should be taken as just that, an opinion. It is my belief that timeouts should primarily be used for when a child is in some way out of control—temper tantrums, disrupting a gathering, biting, hitting, or threatening another, etc. The main point of a timeout should be to help the child feel more in control of their behavior. In this view, timeouts are less about punishment and more about removing the child from a troublesome or volatile situation.

Regardless of why you give your child timeouts, however, it is important you do so in an effective way. Ideally, your child would be able to be in their own room or crib until they have calmed down or for however long you have designated the timeout. Depending on the situation, you might choose to be right outside the door to let the child know you are there (without a lot of discussion or engagement), but this does not mean being in the room with your child. Sometimes parents have their child sit on a chair quietly for a few minutes. This is fine as long as the child experiences it to be calming in some way or, if you are using it as a punishment, somewhat negative. The goal with timeouts, like other consequences, is to motivate the child to not do the behavior again and/or to help the child regroup and calm down.

5. When and How Do I Use Incentives?

Sometimes there are behaviors that don’t seem consequence-worthy but need limits, such as getting ready in the morning, getting ready for bed, cleaning your room, etc. In his wonderful book on limit setting, 1-2-3 Magic, Dr. Thomas Phelan calls these behaviors “start behaviors.” These are behaviors you want your child to do (rather than not do) that generally require more participation from your child than “stop” behaviors.

One of the techniques Dr. Phelan recommends for incentivizing these behaviors is “positive reinforcement” (or as some of us prefer to call them, “bribes”). Stickers, treats, etc., are great for these behaviors and help get you and your child out of battle mode. Just be sure to pick a reward that is age-appropriate (a 2-year-old simply cannot wait a whole week for a reward) and is sustainable over the medium- to long term—e.g. a few graham crackers versus a lollipop every day.

Again, as much as possible, involve your child. Even a 2-year-old can decide choose between graham crackers or Goldfish for a reward; the child will feel more in control and is more likely to comply with your limits. Some parents lament the idea of having to bribe their child indefinitely, but it is my experience that (for most behaviors) once the behavior becomes routine, the reward is less important and eventually can be discontinued or modified if you so choose.

Conclusion

Limit setting is not for the fainthearted (neither is having children!), and a lot of figuring out what works is through trial and error and being open to considering other approaches. If you maintain an open attitude to learning about your child’s capabilities and needs and set realistic, age-appropriate limits that allow for some input from your child when warranted, you will most likely find the job of limit setting gets easier and easier as time goes by (well, at least until your child turns 13—EEK!).

spiteful little girlIn a culture saturated with violent images, parents naturally worry about their children and the influence of these images on their behavior. The question of whether being exposed to violent images or interacting with violent computer or video games increases the level of violent or aggressive behavior in children is a subject of much research and debate.

Regardless of how children are affected by depictions of violence in media, it is important to remember that even children who are not exposed to violence on television and do not play violent computer or video games are often still aggressive. In fact, all children have the potential to act aggressively; it is part of our human endowment. As parents, it is our job to monitor and intervene in our children’s aggressive activity so that they (and those around them) remain safe. This can be a confusing and difficult task. However, it is made much easier if we ask ourselves a few basic questions and follow some basic guidelines:

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What Is the Difference Between Aggressive Play and Aggressive Behavior?

With aggressive play:

With aggressive behavior, one or more of the above guidelines is not followed by one or more of the children involved.

Why Do Children Engage in Aggressive Play?

How Do I Handle Aggressive Play?

How Do I Handle Aggressive Behavior?

Some children who behave aggressively need more help feeling safe and in control. When you sense that your child’s aggressive behavior is interfering with the ability to function (at school, with peers or siblings, etc.) or is dangerous or out of control, it may be time to seek professional help from a child therapist or parenting expert. Your child might be struggling with a particularly difficult stressor or developmental challenge and need a bit more help getting back on track.

mother hugging her daughterAs parents, we hear the word “resilience” all the time these days: “Children are resilient.” “We must help our children be resilient.” Most of us have a vague sense of what resilience means and why it is important, but few really have a handle on what, exactly, we are supposed to do to help our children be resilient. In this article, I will give you some tools for doing just that, but first the basics.

What Is Resilience?

Merriam-Webster defines resilience as “the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens.” According to Google, resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.”

Underlying both of these definitions is an assumption that (1) bad stuff inevitably happens in life and (2) we all have the capacity to handle it. In some ways, this seems pretty obvious. However, as parents we tend to worry about our children’s ability to handle the bad stuff and want to protect our children from it. To some extent, especially when our children are very young, this makes absolute sense. The problem is that we won’t be in our children’s lives forever and, even while we are, we simply can’t protect them from all the slings and arrows that life sends their way.

Given these cold, hard facts, our job as parents is to help our children learn to cope with our difficult, imperfect world so that, eventually, they can take care of themselves—emotionally, physically, financially, etc.—if not completely on their own (no one can, nor should, handle life completely on their own), then at least somewhat on their own.

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Now that we’ve established what resilience is and why it is important, let’s look at how we can foster resilience in our children. I believe there are five basic steps to helping build resilience in our children: empathizing, making meaning, problem solving, tolerating uncertainty, and modeling resilience.

1. Empathizing

When your child is struggling, or when something negative has happened to him or her, the first thing the child needs to know is that you understand his or her feelings. Rather than, “Oh, my god, that’s terrible! What are we going to do?” it is more helpful to say something like, “That sounds really painful/difficult/scary.” Even if your child did something wrong or made a mistake, he or she needs your empathy, at least at first. To say you empathize with your child does not necessarily mean you condone his or her behavior, but before you discuss the behavior, it can really help if you say something like, “It feels horrible to hurt a friend’s feelings,” or, “You seem furious at Jane.” In validating your child’s feelings, you are letting him or her know that you accept and can handle his/her feelings, that the feelings are not too upsetting, scary, or infuriating for you. Your child will eventually internalize this message—whatever I feel has validity—which will help build self-esteem and emotional resilience.

2. Meaning Making

If/when your child is able to discuss the situation further, going over what happened and helping your child make sense of it will help him or her feel less frightened, upset, and/or overwhelmed. Making meaning of what happened and why also gives your child a better understanding of the world and some sense of control. Sometimes how we do this is pretty straightforward, such as, “It sounds like it was slippery and you were running too fast and that’s why you fell,” or, “Do you think maybe you didn’t study enough for the test and that’s why you did badly?” Other times, it may require a more subtle approach, such as, “I wonder why Sam was so mad at you?” How you help your child make meaning will obviously depend on the situation and the age of your child. In general, though, the more questions you ask and the fewer answers or opinions you give, the better. When children feel that they are in charge of making sense of their world, the more in control and confident they feel, which only adds to their resilience.

3. Problem Solving

One of the “benefits” of difficult situations is that they give us an opportunity to learn from our mistakes or, even if we didn’t make a mistake, learn what we might do differently in the future. This is no easy task. One of our jobs as parents, therefore, is to teach our children how to learn from their mistakes and to handle the difficult situations they may encounter. Sometimes this involves little more than conveying information, such as, “Ice is slippery. If you run on an icy sidewalk, you will probably fall.” More often than not, however, what our children need to learn is the process by which a good decision gets made or a thorny problem solved. Some basic techniques that you can use to teach your child how to problem solve are brainstorming, role playing, and speculating.

For example, let’s say your daughter complains that her friend was very mean to her, and let’s say that after you have empathized with your daughter and helped her make sense of what happened, she asks you to help her figure out what to do. Although it will probably be tempting to give advice or state your opinion—”If she’s going to treat you like that, there’s no point in you being friends with her!”—your daughter is going to benefit a lot more if you help her problem-solve the situation. One way to do this is to brainstorm her options with her—stop spending time with her friend, be more guarded with her friend, confront her friend in person, call her, etc. After you and your daughter have come up with a few ideas, you might role play the ideas to see how they feel and how they turn out (some kids find role plays very helpful) or have a discussion around what each option might feel like: “What would it feel like if you said/did this?” “What do you think her response would be if you did that?”

4. Tolerating Uncertainty

Sometimes things happen that are completely out of your child’s control and that no amount of problem solving will fix. Illness, death, and natural disasters are but a few examples. In these instances, empathizing (“It is scary not knowing what’s going to happen”) and making meaning (“Sometimes things happen that we can’t control”) with your child are important in terms of helping your child feel less scared and alone. Also, by sticking with your child’s feelings, whatever they may be, and sticking with the truth about life’s uncertainty, you give your child the message that, as scary and uncertain as life can be, you are confident that he or she can tolerate not knowing sometimes.

Of course, whenever possible, it is helpful to reassure your child that (certain) bad things happen very rarely or that it is unlikely that they will happen to him or her—”Aunt Mary has an illness that only adults get”—or that there is hope even amidst the uncertainty: “The doctors are doing everything they can to help her get better.” Obviously, the more your child can feel safe and hopeful, the better.

5. Modeling Resilience

One of the hardest parts about helping our children develop resilience is that we don’t always feel so resilient ourselves. Developing an awareness of our own feelings around difficulty, failure, loss, and uncertainty is therefore very important. You might want to ask yourself: when I struggle with something or make a mistake, how do I feel about myself? How well am I able to work through or problem-solve a tough situation? How well do I tolerate uncertainty and loss? How confident am I in my ability to handle life’s misfortunes? If you are able to feel somewhat confident about at least some of the areas above (hey, no one ever feels completely self-accepting or anxiety-free), then you are modeling resilience for your child in a very powerful way.

Fortunately, even if we don’t feel so resilient all the time, having an awareness of our own vulnerabilities and insecurities can help us deal with our child’s. For example, in the situation where the friend is mean to your daughter, you may find yourself feeling very anxious: “Oh, my poor baby, this is going to be devastating to her!” “What if my daughter doesn’t know how to keep friends?” In these moments, it is helpful to stop and ask yourself, “Why am I feeling so worried? Who is my anxiety really about—me or her?” Much of the time, our own insecurities and past experiences color our perception of our children’s experience. To the degree to which we can, it really helps if we put aside our own experiences and self-doubts and focus on our child’s feelings and experience.

Temperament and Resilience

Although all children have the capacity for resilience, it seems that some children struggle more than others with life’s stressors. For example, there are children who are especially hard on themselves, children who are particularly sensitive to changes in their environment, children for whom uncertainty is extremely anxiety-producing, etc. However, although they may struggle more than other children in some areas, in the process of struggling, these children often develop greater self-awareness (about their needs, their limitations, their strengths, etc.) and an even larger toolbox of problem-solving skills, all of which greatly serves them as they go through life.

All children have the capacity for resilience. Our job as parents is “simply” to nurture this innate capacity. Following the above steps of empathizing, making meaning, problem solving, tolerating uncertainty, and modeling resilience, you can achieve just this. Even if you miss a step or two, if you are able more often than not to convey an attitude of acceptance (that life can be difficult and uncertain) and confidence (that he or she can handle life’s difficulties and uncertainties) to your child, you will be going a long way toward helping your child build resilience and succeed in life.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.