Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know every family is a little dysfunctional, but my parents were a special case. They were always trying to catch each other cheating. Back before cell phones were a thing, Dad would sneak down into the basement and listen on our house’s landline. Mom would hide a camera in Dad’s office. It was like a bad spy movie.
As an only child, getting caught up in their spy war was inevitable. When I started doing normal teen stuff like sneaking a boy into my room, my parents would magically “know,†even if they were fast asleep at the time. They would parrot back private stuff I said to my friends over the phone, then laugh when I freaked out. After years of gaslighting, I seriously thought I was losing my mind.
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I know now that my parents were the messed-up ones, not me. But I still have all the habits I learned as a kid. I don’t talk about anything that could be used against me. I have a phone, but I’m leery about using it unless it’s an emergency.
I know this kind of paranoia isn’t healthy. I want to change. Coworkers and friends have told me to see a therapist, but telling somebody my darkest secrets sounds like my worst nightmare. The only reason I’m emailing you is because I know this is anonymous (and because I’m using my throwaway email).
I know deep down that most therapists would not blackmail me. But when I think about contacting one, I freak out and start thinking, “What if this is a bad one? What if they have hidden cameras in their office?â€
Trust isn’t a switch I can just turn on. I have barely any faith in my own memory some days, much less in a person I don’t know. Is there a way I can get help without throwing myself into a panic attack? —Cautiously Pessimistic
Dear Cautious,
I am so deeply appreciative that you took the risk to write in with this question and share so much of yourself. Even with the anonymity and “throwaway email,†I imagine sharing the details of your life is quite unsettling for you.
Human beings are remarkably adaptable. When children grow up in unhealthy environments, they typically adapt to those environments by developing various ways of being. These include behaviors, emotional regulation, communication styles, and relational approaches. While these ways of being help children survive the unhealthy environments they’re in, they become problematic outside of said environment. As children move on to adolescence and eventually adulthood, these ways of being either lead them to find other unhealthy environments or they find that in healthier environments, their ways of being create discord.
It sounds like this is where you find yourself now. You learned not to trust, not to share, and to be cautious about what, where, and how you communicated. The good news is it sounds like you have found some healthier environments; you mention friends and coworkers who care enough about you to suggest getting help. Unfortunately, I imagine you are finding that the ways of being you developed as child are now getting in the way. Therapy is, of course, an excellent forum for dealing with this. But because not trusting and not sharing were central to your adaptation, it is terrifying to think about trusting a therapist enough to share your “darkest secrets.â€
Give yourself some time to develop a sense of trust in your therapist before you disclose anything that feels too private. Also, as you move through the process, don’t be afraid to continue talking about any feeling you might have around trust between you and your therapist.
The question then becomes, how can you engage in the therapeutic process when trust is so difficult? First, I would suggest you look around at local therapists’ profiles and websites. Read a little about them and see if there are some you feel drawn to. Ask some of the friends and coworkers who have suggested therapy to you if they know of any therapists they would feel confident recommending. Once you gather a list of potential therapists, call them and spend a few minutes speaking to each. Then you can schedule appointments with a few you feel comfortable with and from those initial sessions decide who you’d like to work with.
Once you select a therapist, rather than diving right into the meat of the work, take some time to allow the therapeutic relationship to be established. You raise the question of how you can “get help without throwing (yourself) into a panic attack.†Perhaps you could begin your work by talking about the anxiety you feel about starting therapy and the fears you have about trusting a therapist. Maybe you could even work on learning some techniques to help you manage your anxiety. Give yourself some time to develop a sense of trust in your therapist before you disclose anything that feels too private. Also, as you move through the process, don’t be afraid to continue talking about any feeling you might have around trust between you and your therapist.
Finally, I just want to say that I applaud you for pushing beyond your comfort zone to consider getting help. Understandably, you have some deep-seated trust issues. And while that makes the process of seeking out and engaging in therapy challenging, it will be well worth it if you walk away from the process with a sense of healing and the ability to enrich your life with strong, trusting relationships. You deserve that.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I have really bad social anxiety. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything anymore because I’m worried I will say something stupid and people won’t like me. I am not a good speaker, so I tend to say things that sound dumb. Then I spend the rest of the night thinking about what other people were thinking when I said it. I second-guess myself a lot.
It has gotten to the point that even when I am forced to be around people, I stay quiet most of the time. I overheard someone tell their friend that I am “unfriendly†and “aloof†because I don’t involve myself in conversations. It’s like my choices are (1) sound dumb or (2) seem unfriendly.
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I can’t make friends because of my social anxiety and I don’t feel like there is anything I can do about it. Does social anxiety get better or go away in time? Or am I stuck being a socially awkward misfit for the rest of my days? —Outcast
Dear Outcast,
The pain and frustration you are feeling comes through loud and clear. You feel like social interactions are no-win situations—you either remain quiet and risk being perceived as unfriendly or try to participate in conversations and risk being perceived as less intelligent than you are. I also imagine this can become somewhat self-perpetuating. As you become more and more self-conscious about your social interactions, it likely becomes harder for you to engage in a way that feels good.
You pose two questions: one, will your social anxiety diminish in time, and two, are you stuck dealing with social anxiety forever. I suggest tabling those questions in favor of a different question: What can you do to make yourself feel more confident and capable in social situations?
You pose two questions: one, will your social anxiety diminish in time, and two, are you stuck dealing with social anxiety forever. I suggest tabling those questions in favor of a different question: What can you do to make yourself feel more confident and capable in social situations?
Joining a therapy group could be helpful. I know it might sound frightening to willingly put yourself in a group of strangers on a regular basis when doing so is deeply anxiety-provoking, but a therapy group is quite different from a typical social situation. First, it is designed to help group members deal with the issues they face. Second, therapy groups are established with rules that are designed to ensure the safety of group members. A group affords you the safety and security of therapy along with the opportunity to explore social interactions and try on new behaviors. As you do so, inside and outside of the group, you’ll have the support of the group to celebrate your successes and to process the things that don’t go as well as you would have liked.
If starting out with a therapy group sounds like too much, that is okay. You might feel more comfortable partnering with an individual therapist first to explore your social anxiety and develop a deeper understanding of it. You could also work with a therapist to develop some tools for coping with the anxiety so joining a group doesn’t feel so daunting. You could even begin working on developing some social skills that you could begin practicing when you join the group.
There are also public speaking groups, such as Toastmasters, that are designed to teach people how to master public speaking. Even people who feel relatively confident in social situations can have tremendous anxiety when it comes to public speaking. Perhaps if you developed a sense of mastery in public speaking, smaller social situations wouldn’t feel so overwhelming.
However you choose to handle this, I encourage you to take a proactive approach. There is treatment available to help you learn to navigate social situations in a way that feels more comfortable and allows you to form deeper, more satisfying relationships. You deserve that!
Kind regards,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My ex-husband is suing me. My kids don’t want anything to do with me. My job is a dead end, and my life sucks. I feel like I have no future and can’t see beyond the end of this letter. So why can’t I cry?
Most people in my situation would be bawling their eyes out, but I feel nothing. Just a void—an empty, numb, emotionless void. I can’t even remember the last time I cried. It has to have been over a decade.
I seem to have no tears in me at all. I even tried to force myself to cry the other day because I thought it might help to finally do it. I hit myself, hurt myself, called myself names. Nothing.
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What gives? The only thing I can find online is information about melancholia. I might be depressed, but I don’t feel like that’s the whole story. I haven’t been able to cry for a long, long time. Is there a psychological explanation for this? And what can I do about it? —Dry Me a River
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Dear Dry,
It sounds like there is a tremendous amount of turmoil in your life. Considering the far-reaching impact it has had on a previous marriage, your relationships with your children, and your work, I’m guessing it didn’t come to be this way overnight. I imagine things fell apart a little bit here and a little bit there over time. If I’m correct about that, I think it is possible the numbness you describe initially developed as a coping mechanism—a way to help you manage all the pain associated with the tumult in your family and work.
Sometimes people try to cut off the more difficult emotions they experience, like grief, sadness, fear, and anxiety. The problem with cutting off painful emotions is that it also cuts off the positive ones, resulting in a sense of numbness.
Sometimes people try to cut off the more difficult emotions they experience, like grief, sadness, fear, and anxiety. The problem with cutting off painful emotions is that it also cuts off the positive ones, resulting in a sense of numbness. It sounds like somewhere along the way you just shut down to try to protect yourself from pain. After building this defense system over time, it can be difficult to reconnect with your emotions, as you discovered in your attempts to cry.
I think it would be helpful for you to talk with a therapist as you try to work through this and reconnect with your feelings. The safety of a strong therapeutic relationship can allow you to explore your world, past and present, and access your full range of emotions. Your work in therapy can also help you to develop healthier coping mechanisms to handle the more painful emotions you experience. It’s also possible that getting to healthier emotional state might help you to repair some of the relationships that seem so badly damaged. You might also feel better positioned to take on some new career challenges.
You have arrived a difficult place in your life and there are no quick fixes, but you do not have to go through this alone. There is help.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Like most little boys, my 6-year-old son is messy. He tracks mud in the house, gets finger paint on the couch, and is basically a whirlwind of chaos. Until recently, it’s been a struggle to get him to wash his hands or take a bath. I come from a family of neat freaks, so sometimes I’m stricter with him than the situation deserves.
One day, my son came home after swimming in the creek down the road. When he grabbed a slice of pizza with his still-wet hands, my germaphobe alarm went off. I sat my son down and explained to him what germs were and how they could be on anything, even things that didn’t look dirty. I said he should always wash his hands so germs wouldn’t make him sick.
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My boy always ignored my lectures before, but this time he took me seriously. Too seriously. Now he washes his hands after touching anything: his stuffed frog, the TV remote, even doorknobs! If he plays outside, he’ll wash his hands twice over. The skin on his knuckles is literally raw from all the washing. When the hand soap in his room ran out, he had an honest-to-goodness meltdown.
I have tried to explain that he doesn’t need to wash his hands ALL the time, just after using the bathroom or playing outside. My words didn’t help. He’s deathly afraid of getting sick. You’d think there was a plague going on from how anxious he gets.
I feel as if I’ve broken my boy, and I don’t know how to fix him. I had no idea my words would give him such a severe phobia. I’d take it all back if I could. Please tell me, how do I help my son? —Crisis of Cleanliness
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Dear Crisis,
I imagine that feeling as if you have “broken†your boy and not knowing how to “fix†him creates a tremendous amount of pain for you—regret and guilt were palpable as I read your question.
It’s hard for parents to know how something is going impact their children. You say your son usually ignores your lectures, so you had no idea he would react like this. You make the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Unfortunately, things go a bit awry sometimes. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember you were only trying to get him to be better about washing his hands, which is a reasonable and responsible parenting goal.
A therapist could be instrumental in helping your son identify his feelings and develop coping strategies.
I wonder if your son would be comforted by the fact exposure to some germs is good for developing the immune system. Perhaps you two could spend a little time reviewing reputable websites that cover this concept. Maybe you could even schedule an appointment with his pediatrician to talk about it. You seem to have his attention on this issue, so perhaps he would be interested in learning more.
It’s also possible that, in time, the issue will take care of itself. Children go through phases. Sometimes a behavior or fear that arises with great intensity just fades out.
If educating him on germs—not just the danger they pose, but the value they hold—and/or time don’t resolve the issue, it might be helpful to partner with a therapist to further explore his feelings. If he has a heightened sense of anxiety in general, it’s possible this issue has simply become the focus. A therapist could be instrumental in helping your son identify his feelings and develop coping strategies.
However you proceed, I hope you will remember that your intention was simply to get him to wash his hands more—a good thing. You couldn’t have anticipated such a dramatic response, especially given his propensity for ignoring your lectures. Issues sometimes arise despite parents’ best efforts. The fact you are reaching out for help and trying to work with your son to move past this shows what a loving and dedicated parent you are.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My memory isn’t so hot these days. I used to be a walking dictionary, but now I keep forgetting words. It happens every few days: I’ll be having a conversation, then stop because a word is on the tip of my tongue. Sometimes I’ll find it after an awkward pause. Other times I stammer through a few synonyms until the person offers the word for me.
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I can’t see any rhyme or reason to the words I forget. They don’t have a theme or anything. They aren’t always difficult words, either. If I’m tired or nervous, I can forget basic words like “umbrella.†Once, when I took my partner to a nice restaurant, I couldn’t remember the name for “pepper.†I had to ask her to pass “the spicy salt.â€
Should I be worried about this? My family does have a history of Alzheimer’s, but I’m only 32. Is becoming forgetful part of the aging process? Or am I just bad at conversation? I’m already self-conscious when talking to people, so I’d like to improve my memory if I can. —Freaking Out About Forgetfulness
Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist
Dear Freaking Out,
Thank you for writing in with this question. It sounds like this issue is creating a good deal of discomfort for you. I hear you saying there is some social anxiety associated with the issue but also anxiety around what it could suggest about future cognitive declines. That seems like a lot for you to hold. You don’t have to hold it alone.
Working with a therapist on increasing your self-confidence and belief in your ability to navigate social situations might help to decrease the incidents simply by decreasing social anxiety.
I wonder if scheduling a consult with a neuropsychologist or neurologist could be helpful to you. If you chose to schedule such a consult, it might be valuable to consider some of the following questions and have some notes to bring in. Was there a particular event, transition, or injury that occurred just before you became aware of this issue? Is the forgetfulness limited to word selection or do you find that you are forgetting other things as well? Do you find this is likely to come up in certain situations and not in others? If so, are there common themes in the situations where it does come up? Having answers to these questions will allow you to offer a thorough presentation of your concern.
Certainly, the professional you see will also have some questions and may or may not find it necessary to recommend further evaluation. If there is an underlying condition causing the forgetfulness, it will likely be diagnosed. If no diagnosis is made, then hopefully your anxiety will be alleviated to some extent.
If there is not a neurological explanation for your forgetfulness and you still find it showing up and creating discomfort, it might be valuable to partner with a therapist to explore and deal with the anxiety you have around the issue. The social anxiety could certainly exacerbate the problem—anxiety can impair cognitive functioning. Working with a therapist on increasing your self-confidence and belief in your ability to navigate social situations might help to decrease the incidents simply by decreasing social anxiety. Even if the incidents did not decrease, you might not feel the same level of discomfort if you felt more confident overall.
However you choose to approach this, I hope you will address it in some way. It sounds like it is quite stressful for you, and you deserve to have support in trying to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on and what can be done about it.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I feel so strung out lately. I definitely consider myself a people-pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to make sure friends, family, and coworkers are happy, even if it leaves me feeling drained and dissatisfied.
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This problem is probably best exemplified by my difficulty saying no. Whether I’m being asked to help someone or getting invited to lunch, I don’t know how to decline without feeling terrible about myself. I want to be a good friend, and part of being a good friend is being there for people. It just leaves me ragged sometimes because, as an introvert, I need a good amount of time alone to recharge. I’m rarely able to do that. So I’m stressed a lot and just have the sense that time is flying by. I don’t feel grounded and at peace, and I think it all comes down to not attending to my own needs.
Do you deal with this a lot in your practice? What do you tell people who have a hard time saying no to others? Some practical suggestions for how to say no respectfully would be helpful as well. Thank you. —Yes Woman
Dear Yes Woman,
It sounds like you are exhausted in every conceivable way—it must be a difficult way to live your life. You are consistently putting everyone else before yourself, to your own detriment. One place to start tackling this issue is with a thorough exploration of it and its meaning to you. For example, what would it mean to you to say no? Are you concerned about what others would think, or not think, about you? How would this impact your relationships? How might it change how you view yourself? Partnering with a therapist to answer these questions could be quite helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the beliefs and feelings you have around this pattern of behavior.
With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.
I wonder if engaging in such a process would lead you to the realization that being there for people is part of how you identify yourself. If this bears out, it seems possible that disappointing anyone feels so unthinkable because it effectively serves as a threat to your identity. If you view yourself as a “go-to†kind of person who always “comes through†for others, the simple act of saying no might challenge how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. If so, a therapist could be helpful to you in uncovering other aspects of your identity and shifting your focus to developing those areas. With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.
I also want to be respectful of your request for some practical suggestions for saying no respectfully. You mention that even saying no to a lunch invitation is difficult for you. What if, instead of answering either yes or no, you allowed yourself to say something like, “Well, I can’t do it today, but how about next week?†As for requests that are less social and more about helping someone else, you can still try to schedule those things in a way that doesn’t feel overly burdensome for you. Sometimes, all the creative scheduling in the world won’t work and you may just have to say no. Even in these cases, you can still offer help through brainstorming about how else to address the issue and express your sincere regret that you aren’t able to help this time.
Regardless of whether you choose to try some ideas for saying no or dive in to an exploration of the larger issues, you deserve to learn how to prioritize yourself and your needs. I hope you are able to find some ways to give yourself this gift.
Kind regards,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My 16-year-old daughter thinks I’m evil. Anytime I try to use discipline, whether it’s asking her to help around the house or do her homework, I get attitude and viciousness. In recent months she has even taken to saying she hates me. Last night she told me, “I hate your (expletive) guts!” Then she called me another expletive and told me to stay out of her life. I am still sobbing as I write this.
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I don’t know what I did to make my daughter treat me like this. I may not be a banner parent, but I do my best to make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants. She’s really ungrateful and has no respect for me anymore. She has threatened to go live with her dad a few times now (he lives two states away), and I’m just about ready to tell her to go.
It breaks my heart to see my child acting this way toward me and I want to fix our relationship if I can. But I can’t get through to her at all, so I don’t even know where to begin. I feel like a complete failure as a parent. Please help. —She Hates Me
Dear She Hates Me,
The agony of your heartbreak is so clear—it is devastating to have your child speak to you in such a hateful manner. That agony has a way of making things seem worse than they actually are. You end your letter by saying you “feel like a complete failure as a parent,†but you also said you “make sure she has what she needs and some of what she wants.†If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.
It sounds like you are unable to trace her behavior back to any particular incident, which is likely making her behavior all the more baffling. Thus, you feel unsure how to approach the issue. This also makes it seem possible that the issue isn’t really you. Sometimes children lash out at their parents even when their angst has little to do with their parents. Parents can be safe targets—friends might decide not to be friends and boyfriends/girlfriends might break up, but parents don’t stop being parents and don’t stop loving their children.
If you are covering her needs and some of her wants, you are succeeding in at least one area, and I imagine there are other areas of parenting where you are also quite successful.
You also mention that her father lives two states away and your daughter has expressed an interest in going to live with him. I’m curious how long he has lived two states away. Is this a more recent development that she might be having a hard time adjusting to? Does she blame you, fairly or unfairly, for the geographical distance? I imagine her request to live with him is quite difficult to hear, but affording her the opportunity to speak openly and honestly about why she is feeling this way might be beneficial to your relationship with one another.
I also find myself feeling curious about what is going on in her life beyond the fact her father lives two states away. Have her relationships with anyone else—friends or significant others—changed? Has there been any kind of change at school? Has her performance in school changed significantly? Examining some of these issues might offer some ideas about other things, outside of your relationship with your daughter, that might be impacting her and how she treats you. If you’re unsure of these potential issues, maybe there is a guidance counselor or teacher at her school that you could check in with.
I wonder if there are any times of relative peace between the two of you in the home. If so, one of these moments might provide a good opportunity to let her know you are concerned about her and are open to listening to anything she might wish to share. Sometimes, approaching someone in the absence of conflict can change the complexion of a typical interaction.
Finally, I would encourage you to consider seeking out your own therapy. Parenting is one of the most intense experiences there is, and going through something like this is incredibly painful. You deserve not only the support a therapeutic relationship can provide, but also the opportunity to brainstorm new strategies for and approaches to connecting with your daughter and healing the relationship.
Best,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My daughter won’t listen to me! She is 15 and thinks she has everything figured out. She yells at me all the time and says nasty things. I caught her using drugs once, and she’s definitely having sex. She also sneaks out at night sometimes and skips school. This is more than just a rebellious phase. I don’t know where she gets it from, but it’s not me!
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I don’t know what to do about it, either. I want to be a good, supportive mom, but I can’t stand by and watch this. I’m really worried about my daughter’s future. She doesn’t seem to care at all. I would appreciate any insights or practical suggestions you have beyond recommending counseling, as there is no way she would go. —Mystified Mom
Dear Mystified Mom,
Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply painful, and even frightening, situation. I imagine it is heartbreaking to hear your daughter yell at you and say nasty things. Seeing her engage in risky behaviors that could have serious consequences likely evokes a sense of anxiety and helplessness.
Sometimes in situations like this, where you can’t control the behavior of someone else, it is best to shift the focus to the only person you can control: you. It is clear from your writing that this is very difficult for you and you do not know what to do. So, while you can’t force your daughter into counseling, you can certainly go. It sounds like you could benefit from the kind of safe and supportive environment that counseling affords. Beyond support for yourself, once a counselor gains a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play, they might be able to offer to some suggestions for ways to connect with your daughter and help her.
Sometimes in situations like this, where you can’t control the behavior of someone else, it is best to shift the focus to the only person you can control: you.
I find myself wondering if you have tried approaching her with concern outside of an incident. When you’ve just caught her doing something she is not allowed to do or when you two are in the middle of an argument, neither one of you is in the best place to have a constructive conversation. However, when there’s relative peace in the home, a conversation can go a lot better. I wonder what would happen if, during such a time, you knocked on her door and asked if she had a minute to talk and simply expressed concern. Perhaps you could try something along the lines of, “It doesn’t seem like you’ve been very happy lately and I’m concerned about you. I know we haven’t been getting along very well, either, but I want you to know you can talk to me. I’m here for you.†Even if she doesn’t jump at the opportunity in the moment, perhaps you are planting a seed that might produce fruit down the road.
I’m also curious how long this behavior has been going on. How significant is the change? For example, did she go from being a fairly obedient child who got along well with you to what you have described or was her behavior always difficult to manage? In thinking back to when all of this started, is there any triggering event you can identify—perhaps a change in the family, a significant loss, a move to a different school? Developing some thoughts about what might have prompted this change in her could also be helpful in trying to understand and connect with her.
Parenting a teenager who is acting out can be incredibly difficult. I hope you will get the support you need for yourself. You just might find it opens you up to some different approaches to connecting with your daughter. Best wishes on this difficult part of your journey.
Kind regards,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I am a mother of one child, and I share custody of that child with her father. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the last two I’ve been seeing someone I’ve become really close to. We’ve lately been discussing getting a place together, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me—he doesn’t seem to like my child. He’s not mean, short, or even rude. He just doesn’t engage her, doesn’t talk to her much, and doesn’t seek out interactions with her. In fact, it’s like he’d rather pretend she isn’t there, unless he has to do otherwise. He prefers to go out and take trips when my daughter is with her father, even though I’ve said frequently that I’d like to include her in the future, at least some of the time.
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My daughter is 8 and reasonably well-behaved, well-mannered, energetic but not too wild—in short, she’s a typical kid and acts like one. There are no underlying factors of health or behavior that might complicate the situation, and she really seems to like my boyfriend and though she hasn’t yet seemed to notice that he often brushes her off, I’m worried she’ll begin to and be hurt by it.
I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he says he likes her just fine, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to talk to kids. It was a relief to hear that the first time, and I said he could talk to her about anything—a show she likes, the book she’s reading, or her friends at school, etc. But the next time they were around each other, nothing changed. This has become a pattern, and so I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up.
I haven’t dated much since my divorce, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. Is this normal? Should this be a deal-breaker? How can I find out what’s really going on, and whether it’s something that can change? —Mulling Mom
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Dear Mulling,
Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply complex dilemma. Dating when you have a child is so very hard because you are ideally looking for two connections—one between you and your partner and another between your partner and your child. It sounds like you have one of those connections, but not the other, and you’re trying to decide where to go from here.
I find myself feeling curious if you’ve talked to your daughter about how she feels about your partner. If you haven’t, it seems like it might be time. Invite her to be honest, and ask simple questions. Does she like him? How does she feel when she spends time with him? Is there anything she doesn’t like about him? What does she wish was different about him? Keep the questions directed at her experience of him; do not ask her to weigh in on your decisions about the relationship—that’s too much responsibility for a child to take on. After such a conversation, you may have a better understanding of her experience of him.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter. For example, if the conversation with her validates your belief she is unaware that she is being brushed off, this doesn’t mean she will remain unaware. You indicate a concern she will notice and it will hurt her. I think that is a valid concern. As she grows, she will almost certainly realize his disinterest in her, which may be hurtful in the moment but may also send a message to her about what she should expect in her own relationships.
You ask how you can find out “what’s really going on†and if it can change. This can only be addressed with him. It sounds like you haven’t seen any change in his behavior with your daughter and the conversation between you and him is so unproductive that you have ceased having it. Perhaps it’s time to consider enlisting the support of a couples therapist. If both of you are willing, a therapist can help you to move beyond this impasse and have a more productive conversation.
If he is unwilling to engage in therapy with you, it might be a good idea to engage in your own therapy. This is gut-wrenching. You’ve found a relationship you feel happy in after your divorce but question—with good reason—what the impact might be for your daughter. There are no easy answers here, and having the support of a therapist could be helpful as you try to set a course for your future.
Best wishes,
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Everyone I know goes bonkers when they see a kid under the age of, say, 6. “Oh, what a sweet-faced little angel!” they’ll say. All I see, meanwhile, is a snot-nosed germ factory and life/financial drain whose parents, in the prime of their lives, surrendered their freedom to raise.
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I never say this out loud, of course. But sometimes my dislike of kids inevitably comes out, as when the unwanted questions about my own situation come along: “Any kids?” “Don’t you want to have children?” “When are you having kids?” Nope. I sure don’t. Never! People stare at me like I have three heads when I say I don’t like or want kids.
I’m getting to the age where most of my friends are having kids, and this makes me feel increasingly isolated. I can’t help that I don’t like kids (at least, I don’t think I can?), but I also sometimes find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me for not liking/wanting children. Your thoughts on this would be welcomed. —No Kidding
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Dear No Kidding,
I really appreciate this question. So many people struggle with this issue. Having children, like any other life decision, is not for everyone. Some people are certain they want to have children, others are certain they don’t want to have children, and still others are unsure. It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.
Society seems to be at something of turning point on this issue. People of previous generations often got married and had children without giving it much thought, but rather because it was just “what you did.†These days, for many people, major life events—including marriage and having children—are not taken for granted, but rather thoughtful decisions based on the kind of lives they’d like to live. Still, there remain plenty of people who see these events as customary, desirable, traditional, or inevitable and therefore have no qualms about asking you when you are going to do them.
It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.
I would imagine if you can do some work to get to a place where you accept this as a valid choice designed to give you the kind of life you are seeking, you may stop questioning what is “wrong†with you. You may feel more comfortable providing people with explanations when they inquire or, even better, you won’t feel a need to justify your choices. If you struggle to get to this place on your own, you might consider partnering with a therapist to help you explore this issue, come to terms with it, and decide how (or if) you want to talk about it with people.
Before closing, I’d like to end on a practical note. You mention feeling isolated as more and more of your friends begin to have children. People generally become friends with one another because of some commonalities or an experience that draws them together. This was probably the case for you and your friends when you met. As your friends move into parenthood, there can still be a place for you in their lives (and vice versa), but it may also be important for you to find some friends who are interested in the freedom a child-free life can provide.
Kind regards,