You’ve come to therapy to build healthier relationships with your loved ones. In the process, you surprise yourself by developing a healthier relationship with yourself. You begin to understand your needs and motivations, which helps you see your family, friends, and romantic partners more clearly. You learn to be accountable for yourself, which leads you to alter behavioral patterns and set boundaries that impact communication and connection.

And then you get pushback. The people in your life—even the ones who encourage your desire for self-improvement—aren’t accustomed to your new way of doing things. They continue to react to you as if you were still engaging in previous “bad habits.” They feel uncomfortable when you discuss your emotions. They take it personally when you prioritize your needs over theirs.

Often, this pushback is not a conscious effort to undermine your improvement but a natural response to change. Homeostasis, the inherent tendency to maintain consistency in both our internal and external environments, can keep relationships stuck and constrain growth. With some forethought, though, you can prepare yourself for pushback and keep moving forward.

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1. Prepare to feel frustrated when people around you don’t support your self-improvement journey. You know how hard you work each day to replace old habits with healthier ones. You feel the benefits of your efforts and are excited to be on track to creating the life you want. But just because you recognize how far you’ve come and where you’re headed doesn’t mean anyone else will want to join you on your path. They may not be ready for that kind of work, or they may not recognize the value in it. It may even feel threatening to them. So be mindful of your expectations of others and practice acceptance of their current level of self-awareness.
2. Prepare to disappoint someone when you set a boundary. If you’ve made a habit out of bending over backward for people and taking on more than your share of responsibility, people will come to expect that of you. Once you learn to say no, coworkers and friends may experience a loss and feel distressed about having to learn a new way to get their needs met. You might feel guilty for contributing to their discomfort, but that shouldn’t negate the significance of choosing to take care of yourself.
3. Prepare to seek support outside of your current relationships. Your friends and family may need time to accept and adapt to the new you. You may need to find other people who can help you stay motivated. Look for organizations or support groups that include like-minded people or find a therapist who can support your individual health. Find a way to remind yourself why your effort is important.
   If self-care is perceived as selfish, explain to your loved ones how it facilitates providing for their needs. Be willing to teach those around you about the benefits of self-awareness and self-soothing if they’re not prioritized in your community.
4. Prepare to communicate with those closest to you about your need for support. The people around you may not understand what they can do to support you or how their behavior creates an obstacle. Take the time to help your loved ones understand the evolution you’re experiencing and how you hope to enrich your relationships with them. With greater insight into your needs, perhaps they will be motivated to reinforce your efforts; perhaps they’ll want to make a change of their own.
5. Prepare to walk away from relationships or situations that no longer serve you. Once you learn to love and accept yourself for who you really are, it becomes much harder to remain in toxic environments that do nothing but compromise your self-respect. Recognize what you’re willing to tolerate and what is harmful to you. Don’t hesitate to take the opportunity to separate yourself from people and situations that don’t align with the person you’re becoming.
6. Prepare to protect your emotional safety within your cultural or family context. Depending on your cultural or family background, patterns of behavior or expectations may exist that cannot be easily influenced. Assuming you’re not in physical danger, you might consider the ways you can assert your needs within the current framework.

To receive validation for your most authentic self, outside support may be your best option. However, identifying even one person on the inside with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings may help you feel less alone. If self-care is perceived as selfish, explain to your loved ones how it facilitates providing for their needs. Be willing to teach those around you about the benefits of self-awareness and self-soothing if they’re not prioritized in your community. Pinpoint the small ways you can safeguard your well-being when large-scale change feels out of reach.

You don’t exist in a vacuum. The contexts you live in and the people who surround you naturally impact your ability to sustain growth. If you approach the intersection of yourself and your environment with an open mind, you can recognize the gaps in your resources and identify the solutions that will keep you on your path to healing.

Love is powerful. It can be reduced to chemical reactions in the brain or elevated to spiritual phenomenon. Love invites us to be brave and expose our deepest selves. Love can also feel like an unwelcome spotlight that reveals our dirtiest secrets.

We all have them—the parts of ourselves that are weak and afraid at best, disgusting and shameful at worst. We work hard to hide them away so no one ever sees them. We believe that these parts—and ultimately ourselves—don’t deserve compassion. Perhaps we don’t even feel worthy of love itself. What does that mean about our ability to be in a loving relationship with another person?

We often hear that you have to love yourself first to able to love or, worse, be loved. This is a toxic way to view yourself and only reinforces the very fears that keep you hidden in the first place. Your struggle to love yourself does not devalue the love you have to share, nor does it render you unlovable. Your ability to love yourself just changes the way you experience a loving relationship.

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What Does It Mean to Love Yourself?

Loving yourself refers to accepting all parts of yourself, even the ones that bring you discomfort. It means taking care of yourself when despair instructs you to isolate and withhold. It means learning to believe in two seemingly opposing truths at the same time: you are good enough as you are and you have room to grow. Loving yourself is not an unchanging state that you either exist in or don’t. You will have days when you will revel in the chance to be kind and gentle with yourself, and there will be days it will feel like swimming upstream.

When you look at love as something dynamic, as a behavior, as a conscious effort, it becomes more accessible. Loving yourself is not set in stone, but a choice over which you have control. You have the freedom to offer love to yourself and to open yourself up to a new experience of being in love. Here are five ways loving yourself makes your relationships stronger:

1. When you love yourself, you can share yourself with your partner without fear.

When you love yourself, you can recognize your imperfections and refrain from judging them. You know all humans are in a constant state of flux, and that these imperfections are opportunities to evolve. You have nothing to hide and can be honest with your partner about your flaws and how you attend to them. And since you no longer allow shame to cloud your self-image, you can acknowledge your strengths and talents—the very attributes your partner has appreciated all along.

2. When you love yourself, you can trust your partner’s love for you.

When your partner tells you how kind, generous, and attractive you are, you can believe it. Self-doubt won’t prevent you from accepting your partner’s love. You will know that—while you’re not perfect—you have a lot to offer, and it is absolutely believable that someone would value you. You won’t have to be shocked that this person you hold in high esteem regards you as equally amazing. When you allow someone to love you, you reinforce that you are indeed lovable. Loving yourself becomes more than an option; it becomes your right.

3. When you love yourself, you can express your needs without guilt.

Recognizing your own value means recognizing that your needs are just as important as your partner’s. Rather than feeling like a burden or undeserving of attention, you will find the courage to ask for what feels good to you. The more you realize your own worth, the less you will accept others’ disrespect or lack of kindness. Loving yourself means setting healthy boundaries and requiring that others treat you in a way that makes you feel appreciated.

Without shame, doubt, and fear to blind you, you can work together to find a joint resolution that strengthens your commitment and deepens your bond to each other.

4. When you love yourself, you can fight fair.

That’s right. When you love yourself, you can have conflict in a relationship and it won’t feel like the end of the world. You won’t automatically take everything personally, which means less self-blame and anger. Rather than shaming yourself or lashing out at your partner, you’ll be able to take responsibility for your actions in a clear-headed and thoughtful manner. You’ll be able to express your concerns knowing you have the right to be happy and heard. You’ll encourage your partner to understand you, just as you will try to understand them. Without shame, doubt, and fear to blind you, you can work together to find a joint resolution that strengthens your commitment and deepens your bond to each other.

5. When you love yourself, you can be independent from your partner.

When you love yourself, you don’t have to feel insecure about your partner’s life outside of you. When your partner is away, you can still hold onto your own value. Your partner doesn’t exist for your validation and security; they are their own person. You can support the development of your partner’s personal story, and they can support yours. Your partner’s interests and friends won’t be threatening because you believe your partner has reason to come back to you. You recognize that your sphere of control extends only to your own behavior. You can allow for your partner to make their own choices, trusting they will remain mindful of the love you share. You may even find that when you and your partner explore life outside of each other, you reinvigorate the relationship. You get to be curious about each other’s separate experiences of the world and find new reasons to be excited about one another.

To practice loving yourself is to discover the kind of love you wish to receive. Explore what it means to love and to be loved. Understand your needs, your fears, and your strengths. Learn to develop the kind of relationship that suits you best. With a stronger sense of your value, you can offer yourself and your partner the open-hearted, limitless relationship you both deserve. No more hiding, no more shame. Just your authentic, imperfectly perfect self—to be seen, heard, and cherished, just like you’ve always wanted.

Change is hard. We resist it, maintaining our longstanding behaviors and belief systems, because familiar is comfortable. We typically seek psychotherapy when our old ways lead to problems that make change necessary.

In conventional therapy, you may spend one or two hours per week developing new skills and exploring alternative perspectives. Once you leave the office, your therapist hopes you will incorporate the work you did into your daily life. Sometimes your therapist will assign you “homework” that reinforces the concepts addressed in your session. You might choose to journal or simply think about what you learned to make better sense of it and to uncover new insights for your next appointment.

This consistent attention to your therapy leads to continuity, the unbroken thread that ties together your revelations from week to week. This is the key to lasting change. You and your therapist plant the seeds for change in your session, and then your independent efforts allow them to take root and grow into the foundation for an improved life.

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Ideally, that is how therapy functions. In less ideal situations, you leave your therapy at the office door and pick it up only when you return the following week. If your needs are minimal, or you just need someone to listen, this pattern could work for you. However, if your goals revolve around healing deep-seated hurts, improving relationships, or breaking lifelong habits, this pattern rarely works. Without consistent effort between sessions, your therapy may feel disconnected from or even irrelevant to your daily life. If you don’t complete the tasks assigned to you each week, you miss the opportunity to practice new skills that contribute to the goals you set for yourself.

When you find yourself forgetting or even avoiding therapeutic work, you might ask yourself what is getting in the way of taking full advantage of your therapy. The most common answer is you don’t have enough time. After work, family, and other commitments, finding additional time and energy to be introspective or to practice new tools seems overwhelming. You feel stretched too thin, and just making it to a weekly appointment feels like the most you can do. If this reflects your situation, you and your therapist can plan how to optimize the limited time you have in a way that feels realistic to you.

If you’re wondering if there’s more to the story, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you prioritize others’ needs over your own?

Consider how much time and energy you devote to other people. Once you’ve given to your partner, your children, your friends, your parents, and your colleagues, you may struggle to find any remaining resources for yourself.

If your generosity leaves you feeling depleted, you may need to create stronger boundaries, which includes prioritizing self-care and carving out time for self-reflection outside of therapy.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning.

2. Are your expectations reasonable?

When your therapist asks you to practice a new behavior, it is expected that you will feel uncomfortable and may stumble on your new path. Your therapist wants you to challenge your status quo and take small, calculated risks that result in incremental change. Sometimes, though, perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking may lead you to believe you must implement new strategies right the first time—or else they’re not worth trying at all. When you operate under this assumption, you miss out on the small victories that add up to greater achievement and increased self-confidence.

Perfectionism and the shame that comes with it may also convince you that what you’re learning in therapy should come easily to you. If these new concepts were obvious to you, you might not need a therapist in the first place! Ask your therapist for help when you’re confused, concerned, or unsure about something you’re processing. They can offer you additional guidance, but only when you’re willing to let them know you need it.

3. Are you afraid of something?

Despite your desire to change your life, actually changing it can be scary. Uncertainty tends to accompany change; perhaps you can’t imagine life any other way than what is familiar to you. Not being able to predict what happens next can feel paralyzing and prevent you from moving forward. Perhaps you also worry that you’ll become someone you don’t recognize.

Modifying your outlook on the world, behaving differently in relationships, and forgiving others and yourself has the power to transform you. You and your therapist should proceed at a pace that is appropriate for you, so you can integrate these new ways of being into your identity. Rather than feeling like you have to become someone else, you can explore how to evolve into a more adaptive, flexible, and limitless version of who you already are.

4. Do you really want to change?

Ultimately, you are in charge of how your life unfolds. You have the right to accept yourself as you are and live your life as you see fit. You have the right to determine which relationships to maintain, what behavior to tolerate, and who deserves your forgiveness. If the change you seek clashes with your core values or is the result of outside pressure, you may struggle to motivate yourself to work on your therapy.

Sometimes, therapy will help you realize you don’t want to or are not ready to change. You get to make that choice. You must remember, however, that you don’t get to choose the consequences of your choice. Your decision may create more peace in your life and/or lead to the end of important relationships. Your decision may leave you stuck in an untenable situation and/or open your eyes to the positive aspects of your life that you previously ignored. Whatever you do, make sure your choice not to change is the one that feels right for you.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning. The real work happens between sessions, when you actively engage in the creation of change and commit to making it last.

Couples who come to therapy typically hope for a renewed connection and deeper intimacy. Ideally, both partners are equally ready to be vulnerable and accountable. In the real world, though, one of you might be ready to dive deep into those emotional waters, while the other fears drowning. One of you is prepared to bear all, while the other feels dangerously exposed.

It’s common for partners to differ in their level of interest and openness to the therapy process. Depending on your presenting issues, your background, and any past therapy you’ve had, you and your partner may experience your therapy together very differently.

Maybe one of you has already done a great deal of internal work through individual therapy, spiritual exploration, or even self-help materials. Couples therapy seems like the logical next step because you want to use your personal healing to enrich your relationship. In some ways, the foundation you’ve built for yourself will be a great support to the work you and your partner will do together. Many times, you will enter into therapy with a great deal of patience and compassion to offer your partner as they try to meet you where you are. Perhaps your partner sees you as a model for where they want to be and uses that as motivation when therapy feels difficult or anxiety-provoking.

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At the same time, however, your differing stages of healing can bring about unexpected obstacles. If you’ve spent months or even years developing self-awareness, you’ve become accustomed to the language of emotions and to the discomfort involved in exploring the deeper, lesser known parts of the self. Perhaps you’ve confronted shame, anger, and fear and have successfully come out on the other side. You learned facing your pain reveals a stronger, more resilient sense of self. You know the benefits of the work, and you’re ready to keep going!

Your desire to hit the ground running, however, might set you up for disappointment and resentment. You might feel impatient or frustrated if you use your personal healing as a measuring stick for how your partner’s progress should look. Expecting that your health will engender health in your partner places unreasonable pressure on both of you. Don’t make yourself solely responsible for lifting your partner up; allow them to develop the self-efficacy that comes from doing their own hard work. Feel free to maintain your own progress without feeling tethered to theirs. Act as a witness to your partner’s work and acknowledge their efforts. Remember the courage it took for you to get where you are today, and offer compassion to encourage your partner to keep moving at their own pace.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development.

It’s important to note healing manifests in various ways. Assuming your partner’s journey toward health will resemble yours fails to take into account their personal history and unique way of being in the world. As you witness their journey, practice respect and acceptance for their individualized needs and development. Together, you can decide how to create a joint path to healing your relationship.

When you’re the one who has less experience with self-exploration, you face a different challenge. You might perceive your partner as soaring easily to newer heights of self-actualization, while you feel you are limping along, too far behind to catch up. Don’t judge yourself against your partner’s current experience of health. Your partner has been where you are right now. They have struggled to confront distressing emotions. They have felt discouraged when they couldn’t move forward with a new pattern of thought or behavior. And they have wanted to give up when fear or shame overwhelmed them.

Because self-improvement is an inside-out process, your partner’s growing pains might have been invisible to you. Imagine an iceberg; what we see on the surface of the water is nothing compared to the enormity of what exists underneath. Your partner’s comfort with introspection and emotional expression was hard-earned and the result of long-term, internal trial and error. Accept that you do need time, not necessarily to catch up to your partner, but to determine what the path to healing looks like for you.

If you’d like more time to prepare for the relational work, individual therapy is a great option. Sometimes it’s helpful to engage in both individual and couples therapy at the same time. Your couples therapist might even be able to offer a few individual sessions to acclimate you to the process and allow you to feel more comfortable.

At the end of the day, both of you need to feel you are working toward a common goal. Offer empathy and compassion to each other as you encounter deeper levels of intimacy. Give each other room to be vulnerable and authentic, offering acceptance and validation for uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. No matter how far apart your healing processes seem to be, you can join together in couples therapy to create profound change. Your relationship can become a sanctuary—the place you both go to feel safe, connected, and finally at home.

Healthy anger requires self-awareness, open communication, and the ability to self-soothe. When you can clearly describe your thoughts and feelings, be open to alternative perspectives, and problem-solve, you keep your anger in check and promote intimacy in relationships. On the other hand, if your anger feels out of your control, makes you “see red,” or even scares the people around you, you must develop a new way of expressing your anger.

Before you can rein in your anger, however, you must stop minimizing or justifying it. Look in the mirror and acknowledge your responsibility for your actions. Refrain from pointing the finger at others for setting you off or provoking you. Physical and verbal aggression never have a place in your relationships. There is always another option.

Once you have fully owned your anger, it is time to understand it. Explore the following aspects of your anger to learn more about its origin, its purpose, and how to address it.

1. How Long Has This Been Going On?

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Ask yourself if the way you manage your anger is new to your life or if it precedes your current situation. When you are honest with yourself, you may recognize a long-term pattern of losing your temper or expressing your anger in unhealthy ways. Perhaps you’ve always had a short fuse and taken your anger out on others. Perhaps you’ve taken your anger out on yourself through self-harm (substance abuse, self-injury, risk-taking, etc.). Allowing yourself to recognize the pattern will help you continue to take responsibility for your actions. You will have further evidence that something inside of you needs to heal.

If your anger does feel new, assess your life for anything unhealthy that impacts your behavior in a negative way. Substance abuse, toxic relationships, and recent trauma can all impact how you manage your anger. Traumatic brain injuries have also been known to alter personalities. Please be sure to address any emotional, situational, or medical factors that could be involved in learning to control your anger.

2. Is There a Cycle?

Use a diary or calendar to chart out when your angry episodes occur, their frequency, and what is going on in your life when they happen. Pay attention to the time between episodes, too. Describe your mood, physical sensations, stress level, and any events or interactions that take place on a daily basis. You might become aware of a gradual increase in tension or irritability that eventually builds up to an explosion. Be sure to note how you feel after an episode, identifying any remorse, shame, or even relief. This can help reinforce consequences of maintaining your angry behaviors and/or offer you valuable information regarding your stress-management needs.

When you tune into your daily experience, you will learn how your anger develops over time. You will gain a clearer picture of what triggers you; even small triggers add up! Even if your anger seems like it erupts quickly and without warning, there is usually something bubbling under the surface. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, a need to control your environment, or anxiety about your life situation can all lead to uncontrollable anger. The more you understand about what fuels your anger and how it progresses, the greater chance you have to address it with therapy, coping skills, or relaxation techniques.

3. Consider Your Family History

Who were your models of emotional expression? The way your parents or caregivers expressed feelings can influence how you recognize emotions and cope with them.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present.

In some families, anger is the only emotion expressed, which can limit your emotional vocabulary. Disappointment, hurt, and embarrassment can become confused with and communicated as anger. Your response to distress also depends highly on what you witnessed as a child. If you watched the important adults in your life act in aggressive or hurtful ways, you might learn to do the same.

Furthermore, families who struggle to experience the vast array of emotions may also struggle to accept and validate you for who you are. Long-lasting anger can develop when we have not been permitted to be ourselves and communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs openly.

4. Consider Your Personal History

Traumatic experiences of abuse, violence, or other life-threatening circumstances can create an unsafe view of the world and fuel a need to be on guard at all times. This kind of hypervigilance can make you interpret those around you as critical or deceptive, even when they have good or neutral intentions. You may also be justifiably angry at those who hurt you in your past; instead of healing those wounds, though, you take your pain out on those around you. It’s as if your current relationships are being asked to pay the penalty for crimes they did not commit.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present. You can live in the here-and-now with your loved ones, rather than reliving horrific experiences that no longer exist today. If it feels appropriate, you can learn to forgive those who hurt you, thereby letting go of the weight of the pain they caused you. You may also need to forgive yourself for any pain your anger caused the people you love.

Be kind and patient with yourself during this process, as it may reveal aspects of your life that are painful or uncomfortable. Seek support from a professional who is trained to assist you in your self-discovery. A therapist, meditation teacher, spiritual/religious advisor, etc., can help you learn valuable tools to heal past hurts, respond appropriately to a variety of emotions, and cope with the present-day experience of your anger.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Many partners struggle to find ways to avoid hurt feelings without avoiding discussion altogether. You might feel unable to control your actions at times, especially when you feel attacked or shamed. You and your partner may get locked into dynamics that feel inevitable, and you might begin to respond to each other based on the repetition of those patterns rather than what is happening in the present moment.

Self-awareness and empathy can allow you to define your patterns and become aware of what triggers you and your partner to feel the emotions that lead to defensive and contemptuous behaviors.

Often, understanding the patterns of your arguments is enough to de-escalate or even prevent harmful interactions. There are times, however, that this information leads partners to look at each other and say: “You know what triggers me. So when you stop, I’ll be able to stop, too.”

Who has the responsibility here? The one who has grown more aware of her partner’s sensitivity to a certain tone, or the one who learns he is sensitive to tones that remind him of earlier, painful experiences? Both, of course! Partners need to be attentive to both their own behaviors and how they react to each other. But what happens when your partner isn’t being skillful enough to alter his or her behavior? Do you jump right in and engage in your old pattern?

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Here is the moment where you make an important choice. What would happen if you didn’t need your partner to change first, so that you can change in response? What would it be like to take ownership of your own development and create change simply because you understand its importance?

You can ask your partner to be mindful of your sensitivities, approach you differently, and refrain from certain language or tones. But you cannot allow yourself to place your self-control and your accountability in the hands of another. It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Think about what would happen if you recognized the pattern and stopped it in its tracks. Imagine being the one who chooses not to perpetuate the cycle just this one time. What would you feel knowing you had reduced the opportunity for pain and disconnection between you and your partner? And in that stillness—that moment where the dynamic breaks down—so many options emerge. What other behaviors could you choose that might lead to connection, hope, and love?

It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Remember: postponing or altering your reaction does not mean you condone disrespect or abuse. But if you know you and your partner are committed to a healthier relationship, then re-commit during the conflict. Slow down long enough to determine what you want to do next. Rather than feel compelled by adrenaline, anger, or inaccurate interpretations, become curious! Be curious about your own needs, feelings, and experience. Perhaps a deep breath or a walk around the block could calm your nerves long enough so you can reengage with your partner in a more loving way. Maybe you just need to clarify that you heard your partner correctly. Or perhaps you might describe how the current interaction feels to you and ask for a new beginning. Ask for as many new beginnings as you need to get it right.

What your partner does in response to any of this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to promote interactions that align with the kind of relationship you want. As long as you come from love, compassion, and understanding, you will see your partner more clearly because your misconceptions and pain will no longer cloud your vision. Once you really see your partner, you can decide if you still want to invest your time and energy into the relationship. If your partner also longs for a new dynamic, he or she will appreciate your effort and most likely want to reciprocate by joining you in a fresh start.

Ultimately, you must begin with yourself. Take a risk and make the first move. Even a small change can dramatically alter the path you’re on and bring you closer to the relationship you desire.

Becoming an adult is rife with both uncertainty and adventure. The concept of being an adult is always in flux, and these days it’s hard to tell when adulthood is upon you. Culture, religion, socioeconomic status, and family situations may all impact and blur the lines between childhood and adulthood. No one sends you a complimentary toaster to let you know you have “joined the club,” and for many people, there is no one experience that affirms the acquisition of adult status.

In truth, adulthood is a process, not just a state you wake up in one day. For those of you who are just leaving behind adolescence, you probably bring a host of assumptions to this process that may or may not ease the transition into this new phase of life.

1. If I don’t feel like an adult, I must not be one.

Employment, paying the bills, driving, having a child—while all of these responsibilities are significant milestones, you might still have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not quite there. In reality, adulthood isn’t just about a set of responsibilities or accomplishments. Rather, it is more of a conscious effort to be aware of your strengths and challenges and a dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. It is accepting that you will falter, but that you owe it to yourself to keep going.

2. I can’t have a life if I become an adult.

[fat_widget_right] Perhaps you fear that if you get a “real job” or “settle down” you will have to give up your passions or having fun. These days, you can design your own idea of what it means to be an adult. You can identify the values and priorities you want to commit to and create a life based on those. They might be informed by past experience and important people in your life, or you might have a belief system that offers you guiding principles. Either way, take stock of what is important to you and build your version of adulthood around that.

3. I have to be in a relationship to be happy.

Sharing your life with someone can offer an additional layer of security and support that may improve your sense of well-being. But relationships—just like any important decision—should be entered into wisely. Gauge your emotional readiness to be a partner. If you are not ready to commit wholeheartedly, this does not make you less of an adult; in fact, it takes great maturity to be honest with yourself about your ability or willingness to balance relationship needs with your own. You also need to be aware of your intentions when you begin a relationship. Ask yourself if you are looking for your partner to make you happy, diminish your loneliness, or bolster your ego. None of these will lead to healthy, adult relationships. On the other hand, if you understand that you are solely responsible for developing into a whole independent human being, you might be ready to share your life with another.

4. I’ll know I’m an adult when I have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. Don’t wait for a magical day in the future when it will all make sense. Open yourself up to the rich and fulfilling experience of learning along the way.

5. I need to have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. You might worry that you must have a concrete plan in order to be a successful adult. You feel that lacking direction means you are failing at the adult game. Setting goals for yourself can be a valuable tool for making decisions and giving you a sense of security; however, life will offer detours in the form of unexpected opportunities and unfortunate obstacles. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty and how to adapt to changing situations is a big part of being an adult. And if you’re worried that you’re stuck in whatever plan you’ve made because nothing is going your way, remember that you can change your mind. You’re the architect of your path, so you can change it.

Adulthood involves growth, acceptance, and openness, and its meaning will transform as you develop new skills, form new relationships, and indulge in new experiences. Enjoy the impermanence and be present in every vital moment!