Couple sitting closely on a bench, symbolizing healing and connection in abandonment wounds therapy.

Many people believe that unstable relationships stem from “bad choices” in partners or needing to “calm down” and “be more mature.” However, the reality is much more complex. If you’re struggling with abandonment wounds, the challenges are not about a lack of willpower or a character flaw. Instead, they are about how your brain and nervous system are influenced by your past experiences. These wounds often lead to emotional dysregulation and can deeply impact your relationships. The good news is that therapies like DBT and Schema Therapy can help heal abandonment wounds and create healthier, more stable bonds.

Emotional Dysregulation & Relationship Dynamics

If you’ve had difficult past experiences, your nervous system may react more quickly and intensely to perceived threats in close relationships. When you feel “triggered,” it becomes harder to communicate clearly, calmly, and effectively. This is known as emotional dysregulation. Learn more about emotional regulation.

See also: How Emotional Stonewalling Can Be Damaging

How Schemas Reinforce Abandonment Wounds

Schemas are deep-rooted core beliefs shaped by childhood experiences. For example, if you ever felt abandoned or couldn’t consistently rely on a caregiver, you may have developed the belief that abandonment is inevitable. In adult life, this can make rejection feel like it’s just around the corner, even when it’s not.

When schemas are triggered, you might react strongly out of fear or anger and later regret your actions (Kover et al., 2024).

This often leads to a push-pull dynamic: craving closeness one moment, then withdrawing or lashing out the next.

Further reading on GoodTherapy:

How DBT Helps Heal Abandonment Wounds

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was originally created for people who feel emotions more intensely than others. DBT doesn’t ask you to stop feeling deeply, it gives you tools to handle big emotions without letting them damage your relationships.

For instance, if your partner doesn’t text back for a few hours, fear of abandonment might trigger panic: “They’re leaving me. They don’t care about me.” Without skills, that panic could lead to emotional suffering, angry texts, or shutting down. DBT teaches you to:

Over time, DBT skills break the cycle of highs and lows, helping relationships feel steadier (Linehan, 2015).

Explore more about DBT

Related GoodTherapy articles:

Illustrated book showing myths and a couple in conversation, symbolizing healing through abandonment wounds therapy.

 

How Schema Therapy Transforms Abandonment Beliefs

Schema Therapy goes deeper by addressing why abandonment fears and rejection sensitivities exist. Schemas act as emotional blueprints formed in childhood, often running unconsciously in relationships.

Take the Abandonment Schema: If early experiences taught you love wasn’t reliable, you may live with a constant fear of being left. Even small signals, like a partner being quiet, can feel like “proof” of rejection.

Schema Therapy helps by:

Instead of thinking, “If I tell them I’m scared, they’ll leave,” you might learn to say, “When you don’t text back, I feel anxious and worry I might lose you. Can you reassure me?” This invites intimacy instead of conflict.

Schema Therapy is especially effective for abandonment fears and personality-related struggles (Young, Klosko, & Weishaar, 2003).

Learn more about Schema Therapy.

The Bottom Line: Healing Abandonment Wounds is Possible

If your relationships feel like a rollercoaster, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system and old patterns are working overtime to protect you, sometimes in ways that backfire. With DBT, you can regulate intense emotions in the moment. With Schema Therapy, you can transform the deeper wounds fueling abandonment fears.

Stable, fulfilling relationships are possible. The right therapy provides tools, practice, and support to make healing abandonment wounds a reality.

References

Dear GoodTherapy,

I had been seeing my therapist for 28 years. Around March, she was unwell. This was a rare occurrence in our time together. But her viral infection persisted until about six weeks ago, when she texted me to say she would not be returning to her practice. I was and am devastated.

I asked if it would it be okay to email her. She said yes, but when I did, she said she was still ill. Initially, I drew on our relationship, which I had come to internalize. However, as the weeks have passed, I have felt angry at the way it ended. And as a recovering alcoholic (dry for 10 years), I am fearful of the future. I would value your views. —Hung Out to Dry

Dear Hung Out to Dry,

Thank you for asking this question, and I imagine other readers thank you as well. Few things can be more painful than the sudden end of a relationship, particularly one in which we felt a strong connection and entrusted with our vulnerabilities. I can hear the loss and confusion you feel and what I presume is a sense of abandonment. These are huge, potentially overwhelming emotions. Congratulations for reaching out for help.

When therapy ends prematurely, especially when it is characterized by a deeply established relationship, it can feel like your world is being turned upside down. It is not uncommon to feel the way you feel. I imagine it is hard to understand what led your therapist to terminate her practice so abruptly and taper off communication. It is understandable to take this as a personal loss. In an ideal scenario, when a therapist plans to retire or end their practice, they communicate this plan with clients well in advance and they discuss and process the transition in session, perhaps even over time.

No doubt you have drawn many associations between the role of your therapist in your recovery and progress. It is clear from what you wrote that your therapist has been instrumental in your healing process. I would like to point out something else: YOU have made it through the challenges you have encountered during the time you worked with your therapist.

Unfortunately, sometimes illness and/or other circumstances beyond a therapist’s control may necessitate a less-than-ideal end to the therapeutic relationship. In this case, it is up to clients to pick up the pieces and move forward, perhaps with the help of another therapist. (It is worth noting, though clearly not what is happening in your case, that when a client leaves therapy prematurely or without closure, this presents another challenge for recovery.)

You mentioned that you recognize how you have internalized this relationship. No doubt you have drawn many associations between the role of your therapist in your recovery and progress. It is clear from what you wrote that your therapist has been instrumental in your healing process. I would like to point out something else: YOU have made it through the challenges you have encountered during the time you worked with your therapist. YOU have maintained your sobriety for the past decade. Your therapist was likely not with you during every one of your darkest moments, but YOU were. While you may have internalized the voice of your therapist when experiencing these dark moments, ultimately YOU have managed these circumstances. You made the decisions yourself.

It is understandable to fear what lies ahead for you. Hopefully, you are able to consider your future from a place of empowerment based on your past successes. Another important step is rebuilding your support network. This has been instrumental to you in the past and will likely continue to be instrumental in the future.

If you haven’t done so, you will want to explore options for therapy for yourself going forward. I see it as a positive indicator of success for your future that you formed such a strong alliance with your former therapist. You can do it again. The new relationship will not be the same because the therapist will not be the same. The new therapist will not always respond in the same ways, nor offer the same insights. This is okay, and arguably a real positive.

Change, though scary, can sometimes push us further into growth. You can explore options and consult with more than one therapist before starting anew. As you know, finding the right fit can make a world of difference.

I hope this feedback was useful, and I wish you luck as you move forward.

Marni Amsellem, PhD

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My dad abandoned our family when I was in elementary school. A week after my birthday, actually. At 8 years old, I was man of the house.

My mom was already bringing home all the cash, since my dad never worked. Money-wise, our family’s situation didn’t change. But when my dad left, there was no more babysitter. I had to step up and be the parent for my own brothers, microwaving their dinners, teaching them to tie their shoes, and so on. This was back when kids could still play outside without the neighbors calling child services.

At the time, I figured my dad had rejected us. I got a whole inferiority complex about it in my teens. I looked for role models in all the wrong places. Therapy helped me get my act together, but it didn’t make the hurt go away.

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Later, my mom told me my dad was an alcoholic. He didn’t abandon us for another family. He was just getting drunk in a bar somewhere. Instead of hating myself, I started hating him. I mean, it was bad enough to choose another kid over me, but to leave me for booze? It didn’t make sense.

I’ve worked hard to move on. I have my own children now, and I raise them as best I can. But a month ago, guess what happened? The prodigal father returned. He said he’s gotten sober and he wants to be a father again. He wants to meet his grandchildren.

My little brothers forgave him instantly. They were toddlers when he left, so his absence didn’t hurt them as much. They pity my dad for having an addiction. Now they’re pressuring me to invite him to my daughter’s baptism.

I told my brothers that I refuse to let that man back into my life. If they want to spend time with him, that is their business. But I spent my whole life learning to get along without my dad. I see no reason to restart a relationship that only brought me pain.

Do I have to forgive my dad? I feel like I’m chained to this person who almost ruined my life. Am I a bad person if I want to leave my deadbeat dad in the past? —The Abandoned Son

Dear Abandoned,

You are the only one who can decide what relationship, if any, you want to have with your dad. If you choose not to engage with him, that does not make you a bad person. Simply being related by blood does not require us to sustain a relationship, particularly if that relationship feels hurtful or harmful.

I would encourage you, however, to work on forgiveness. Not for your dad’s sake, or so you can build a relationship with him, but for your sake. Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment winds up being toxic. It casts a shadow over our lives and our relationships in sometimes significant ways.

Holding on to pain, anger, and resentment winds up being toxic. It casts a shadow over our lives and our relationships in sometimes significant ways.

Your father was not able to be there for you when you were growing up. That was painful and confusing. His limitations prevented him from being the dad you wanted or needed. Nothing he does now will change that. You can, however, change your understanding of your experience if you choose to. Your dad’s addiction prevented him from showing up for his family. It must have been a powerful force for him to miss out on so much.

It might help you to find other grown children of people with alcoholism to share your feelings and experiences with. They may be able to share their stories and their struggles in ways that help you clarify your own. There are usually groups and meetings you can attend to meet others who might have similar stories to tell. I also encourage you to reconnect with a therapist to work through how you want to handle the family pressure you are feeling to invite someone who hurt you back into your life.

It is possible to have compassion for your father and to recognize his struggles and limitations without choosing to allow him into your life. Whatever you decide, leading with anger or resentment may cause you more pain and regret. If you are able to release yourself from that hurt, you may be more likely to find peace with your choices.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Person with long hair has head bent over knees, holding up wedding ring and cryingOur first therapy session began …

The day I found her text on my husband’s phone is a day I will never forget. My whole life changed in an instant. I was stunned and in disbelief. I thought, “Is this really happening to me?”

I read it again. She wrote, “I love you more than ever. Can’t wait until we are together again.”

My heart began pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My mind began racing: “Who is this woman? Why is she texting my husband that she loves him? Would he really cheat? We’ve been together for 17 years. I thought we were happy.” [fat_widget_right]

I called him. He immediately came home from work. He’d accidentally left his phone at home that morning. When he arrived, he couldn’t look me in the eye. He said, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

I responded, “You didn’t mean for me to find out what?”

He said, “That I’m leaving. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

My thoughts started reeling. His words got stuck in my head: “I’m not in love with you anymore.” They went around and around and wouldn’t stop.

“When did this happen?” I asked.

“I haven’t been happy for a few years,” he replied. “You were so focused on the kids. I felt alone.”

“I was so focused on the kids?” I snapped back in exasperation. “Yes, I was! Isn’t that what I was supposed to be doing?”

“I just don’t have those feelings for you anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

I burst into tears. The pain pierced my heart. I could hardly breathe. The pain was excruciating. I felt shattered into a million pieces. My life would never be the same.

Over the next few weeks, we talked and we cried. I went from feeling anger and hatred toward him to feeling like I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to stay and get counseling. No matter what I said, his mind was made up.

I asked about the other woman. She was someone he worked with, of course. They took business trips together. He said she was in an “unhappy marriage” too. They had been having an affair for almost a year.

The day he moved out was horrendous. The kids were a mess. He promised he’d still be there for them.

It’s been a year, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I still feel so rejected.

The only time my mind rests is when I’m busy with the kids or at work. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him stay? What does she have that I don’t have? What’s wrong with me?”

“Is she prettier, sexier, more interesting, more fun? Of course she is. She’s new. She hasn’t had kids. They don’t live together. She doesn’t do his laundry. They don’t have to deal with children and carpools. He’s known her for one year. We were married for 17 years. Maybe he just got tired of me and our life together.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

When a partner leaves, the first few weeks can be extremely painful. People respond by not eating, not sleeping, crying, withdrawing, and generally feeling like the bottom has dropped out. They may have a sense of unreality, like they are a character in a play. There is denial and disbelief.

Often, the worst part is going to bed. The mind wanders to the place where the pain of rejection dwells. It’s hard to escape. The thoughts keep coming. When sleep finally arrives, it is fitful. Waking up in the morning is no better. It’s a new day and the pain starts all over again.

How does a person recover from and overcome the enormous pain of being rejected in one of the most important areas of life? Here are seven steps that may help you heal from the devastation of being rejected by a partner.

  1. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to experience them. Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. You may worry they will never stop, but remind yourself it will get better. No matter how hard we cry, at some point we stop.
  2. Understand you will go through the stages of grief. The loss of a relationship is like a death. Feelings of disbelief, shock, anger, hurt, bargaining, sadness, fear, and depression are normal. When a partner leaves for someone else, the grief can become even more complicated. The loss occurs, but the person is still there. They made a purposeful decision to leave. Acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, and soothe them.
  3. Think of your pain like a wave. There will be times where, for a brief period, you may “forget” about it—and then it will hit you all over again. If you fight the feeling and try to push it away, it will grip you harder. Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
  4. Gather your support system around you. You may feel like withdrawing. You may have little energy for others. You may want to stay in bed. Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen. One day, you may have the opportunity to give that back. Let them provide comfort.
  5. Stop the self-blame. It’s natural to turn the blame on yourself and ask what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough. Remember it is not your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it. You can invite a partner to go to therapy with you, but they have to make the choice to participate. Partners leave for many reasons. It may have more to do with their baggage than what happened in your relationship.
  6. Practice self-care. Try to eat well and get enough rest. Take a walk. Do things that help you relax—meditation, relaxation techniques, changing negative thoughts, prayer. It’s a time to find your “self” again. Be kind to yourself. Spend time around people who love you.
  7. Find a therapist who can help. The journey of recovery after a partner leaves takes time, support, and patience. If you are struggling with the loss of a partner, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to support you through crises like this and will help you overcome the pain of rejection.

“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” —Tigress Luv

Shot of a mature woman standing by a window at home deep in thoughtTherapists go on vacation. Therapists need time off for health reasons. Therapists have emergencies.

But what does it mean for you when your therapist needs a break?

It can be difficult to wait an extra week between appointments, let alone two or three. It’s a reminder your therapist has a life outside of the office. Often, we like to think of our therapist as ours and ours alone. Are you connected with the feelings that arise when your therapist tells you they’re going to be away?

Many people tell me they are “fine” with me not being around for a session or two. Depending on the person, I sometimes ask a few more questions about that. Not for personal reasons—I’m not trying to get a person in therapy to make me feel important and needed—but to help them bridge that feeling to other relationships in their lives.

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While you may know intellectually your therapist takes time off, just like you (hopefully!) do, that doesn’t mean you won’t feel a whole swath of feelings when it happens. Some common ones are abandonment, sadness, and anger, but also happiness and even relief!

Whatever you feel upon hearing your therapist will be away, it may be helpful to dig deep to see if there is a small spark of feeling that may be familiar. Once you connect to the part of you that is angry (even just a little), for example, you may be able to bridge that to another time in your life when someone left. This is a great opportunity: You get to use the therapy session to let the therapist know how you felt back then. You get to see you can say, “I’m angry you’re leaving” and know the therapist can take it. You can have what we call a “corrective emotional experience.”

“I’m angry you’re leaving. If you really cared about my well-being, you’d make yourself available.” That might sound confrontational, but it’s actually progress.

You can even go a step further: “I’m angry you’re leaving. If you really cared about my well-being, you’d make yourself available.” That might sound confrontational, but it’s actually progress. It’s being vulnerable with your therapist, which is both really, really difficult and incredibly important.

You’re not going to change your therapist’s plans, but you’re going to know what it’s like to say how you’re feeling. It opens the door to an exploration of hurts you’ve experienced in the past—but had nowhere to go with.

Boundaries and Safety

If the prospect of your therapist going away causes anxiety or worry, talk to them about what you can do in their absence. Some good questions are:

Your therapist going away can open some old wounds and bring up surprising feelings. Listen to those feelings and bring them forward. They could lead to breakthroughs that serve you not only while your therapist is unavailable, but long after you’ve parted on your terms.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are understandably grieving. You’ve lost your partner unexpectedly, and if that weren’t enough to cope with, you are also trying to take care of your grieving children—who are likely trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. Of course you are struggling.

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You get overwhelmed because your reserves of emotional energy are depleted. Having enough to give to three children is challenging in the best of circumstances. Finding ways to give under these circumstances requires superhuman strength. Additionally, if you are feeling bad about taking time for yourself, that “me time” people recommend isn’t replenishing you but rather adding guilty feelings to the mix. I’d be surprised if you weren’t struggling.

Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

You ask if you are afraid of losing your children or afraid they will bring painful memories of your husband. You also wonder if your anger is a factor. The answers are inside you, but based on what you’ve related, in all likelihood yes—to all of it, and probably more. Your world has changed swiftly and dramatically, and not by any choice of your own. Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

The stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance—do not necessarily flow smoothly or quickly. Many people move from one stage to another and back again as memories and feelings are triggered. There is no timeline for moving through your grief and integrating it. Time will help, but so will finding the right kind of support.

If you haven’t already started working with a therapist in your area, I recommend that you find one for yourself and for your children, either together or separately. Having a safe and supportive place to work through all the feelings that come with such a loss and major life transition can help you heal and find your way back to your children … and yourself.

Best of luck,
Erika

I can only imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing after a blindside like this. Based on the information you provided, the way your husband handled the situation absolutely seems unfair to you. Walking out with no prior conversation can indicate either a lack of care and respect for your feelings and your relationship or deeper issues of his own. He may be going through something that compelled him to make a major life change with no clear plan of where he was going next. Either way, trust that when he says he is done, he is done.

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He resisted attempts to go to counseling in the past and has let you know that he has no desire to do so now. Take him at his word. It takes two to fight for a marriage—and if he is not willing to even engage, fighting for your marriage will be an exercise in frustration for you and potentially damage what remains of your relationship. Not fighting doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage. By not fighting, however, you may be able to begin your grieving process, and subsequent healing process, sooner.

It is natural to go through many stages of grieving at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well.

It is natural to go through many stages of grief at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well. Unfortunately, it is possible that your husband will not, perhaps even cannot, give you the answers you need to make sense of this bewildering situation.

His departure and refusal to explain or consider working on things has not only hurt you deeply, but also likely left you feeling powerless. One important part of healing will be reclaiming your power. I recommend that you connect with a local counselor who can provide support and perspective as you grapple with the emotions that naturally will arise for you.

Through counseling, you can determine how you want to grieve and move forward. You can get support to handle the anger and confusion you are feeling. You can choose how to handle future conversations and interactions with your husband. You can choose whether staying connected to him is in your best interests or not. You can choose whether or not to remain friends.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope, with support, you find resolution for the understandable pain you feel that allows you to move forward with a clear mind and heart.

Best of luck,
Erika

I am so very sorry that this is how the relationship with your therapist has ended. You mention feeling angry, hurt, confused, and even abandoned. Given the scenario you presented, I can certainly understand why you would feel these things.

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There is a phase of therapy called termination that happens as treatment is winding down. Termination serves as an opportunity to reflect on the work that has been done and the progress, growth, and change that has resulted. It is also a time for therapists and people in therapy to say goodbye to one another and process the end of the therapeutic relationship. The absence of this phase of treatment can absolutely leave you feeling a need for closure—especially because it was your therapist’s decision to end treatment so abruptly, not yours.

Despite your request for a final session, it sounds like you are not going to be able to engage in the termination process with your therapist. Letter writing can be a helpful tool when you have a lot of thoughts and feelings about a person and the person is not available to have a conversation. Perhaps you could write a letter to your former therapist telling her how you feel and asking the questions you are left pondering. You could even write a response to your letter in your former therapist’s voice. You could process this kind of letter-writing exercise with your current therapist in order to get the most out of it. It can be a surprisingly powerful exercise. Your new therapist may have some other helpful ideas, of course.

As far as your questions about ethics and potential recourse, it’s a little less straightforward than it may seem.

As far as your questions about ethics and potential recourse, it’s a little less straightforward than it may seem. According to the American Counseling Association’s Code of Ethics, there is a prohibition against abandonment and neglect: “Counselors do not abandon or neglect clients in counseling. Counselors assist in making appropriate arrangements for the continuation of treatment, when necessary, during interruptions such as vacations, illness, and following termination.” However, there is also a section of the code on impairment that states, “Counselors monitor themselves for signs of impairment from their own physical, mental, or emotional problems and refrain from offering or providing professional services when impaired.” It sounds like your former therapist has just gone through a lot—the death of a parent, returning to her home country, and then retirement. It does seem possible that she might feel too impaired to work.

At this point, it does not seem like you can count on any assistance from your previous therapist in coming to terms with the end of the relationship, but you do have a new therapist who can partner with you to gain the closure you seek. I hope that process brings you peace.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Girl stood looking towards the distant seaIf her heart is broken, maybe it’s because her father broke it first. Her inability to accept herself is probably because he told her that she would never be good enough for anyone or anything.

I am a young lady that grew up without a father. I would watch enviously as friends celebrated father’s day, wishing I could do the same. I remember spending hours imagining my father coming back and telling me how he has missed me in his life. I imagined conversations and holidays that I knew would never happen. I could not fathom why I was never good enough for him to call daughter. If I am not good enough for my father, how will I be good enough for anyone else?

[fat_widget_right]This began my journey to self-loathing. As an eight-year-old, I would spend hours drawing circles around the areas I wanted to change. As more and more people around me commented about my weight and unattractive features, I began to obsess about my image. I moved from dreaming about plastic surgery to experimenting with ways to lose weight. People around me were too busy to realize that I had begun experimenting with diet pills, binging and purging, and starving myself for days on end. All I could think about was being skinny. Maybe if I was smaller, I would be sexier. Maybe if I was skinnier, more people would love me. Maybe if I was skinnier, my father would come back…

My strong desire to be loved strained my relationship with food, and began to take a toll on my mind. I would find myself crying for hours on end, not even sure what I was crying about. I began hiding from the world, thinking of ways to give myself an early exit. At that moment I did not realize that I was suffering from depression. In all honesty, I thought that’s how life worked: some people deserved happiness, and some didn’t. I was one of those that didn’t deserve it. I was not popular, and I didn’t fit in with anyone in my family. I was a constant outcast, and this pushed me into further isolation.

My isolation made me desperate. I wanted someone, anyone to love me. I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere. So I clung on to the first sign of love that presented itself to me. It always came in the form of an abusive relationship, but that didn’t matter to me. I allowed people to cheat, because at least they would come back to me. I justified the physical abuse, blaming myself for saying or doing the wrong thing. I endured the emotional and psychological torture, because at least I was not alone. Any attention I received was better than nothing at all. I would run away from any “good guy” because someone like me didn’t deserve anything good.

Today, I’m a work in progress. I still have food issues that make me border on an eating disorder. After six different combinations, I have found antidepressants that are helping to pull me out of the dark shadows of my mind. I still find myself afraid of relationships, scared that I might end up in more abusive relationships. I try to keep my mind occupied with small happy thoughts, which will one day lead me to some form of happiness.

ros limbo share your storyI was first diagnosed with depression in my last year of university. From that day on, my life changed. I have tried over four combinations of medication over the last two years. I try to focus on the positive: my love for God, writing, and yoga. I am lucky to have family and friends that support me even when they don’t understand my struggle.  

Ros keeps a blog at memoirsofavirginprostitute.blogspot.com.

teenage girl in hat outdoorsThe foster care system has a disproportionate number of LGBT youth in its care—the result of so many being abandoned by their parents. This often happens at a time when children most need support and guidance, during their preteens and teens when they are figuring out who they will be as adults. It is the ultimate rejection, and the wounds can last a lifetime.

Regardless of whether the parent-child relationship was good or bad before the child came out, being rejected by those who are supposed to love and protect you unconditionally is devastating. Severe damage is done to self-esteem, trust, security, future relationships, and one’s view of the world.

What would cause parents to legally and morally divest themselves of their responsibilities and emotional ties to their children? The answers lie not in the children, but in society and the parents themselves.

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Mothers are often blamed for any perceived flaws in their children. Many men feel it is a mark against their masculinity to produce a gay child. Other parents feel shame due to religious teachings. Still others are upset that their children don’t fit in with socially prescribed gender roles. They seem to forget that gender roles, clothing styles, and what is perceived as masculine or feminine have changed many times throughout history. It is a misguided sense of shame, a shame so extreme at times that it can be relieved only by disconnecting and distancing from the child.

As a society, we encourage shame in both parents and children by denying LGBT people basic civil rights. This makes a powerful statement that they are somehow “less than” and therefore their neglect is more acceptable. This system has been used against minorities throughout time. In most minority groups, however, parents and children share the minority status and therefore parents will protect and guide their children. In contrast, most LGBT kids have heterosexual, cisgendered parents, making the kids minorities within their own families.

When parents feel shamed by their gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender kids, they typically blame the child instead of looking at their own feelings. They resolve their discomfort by getting rid of what they perceive as the source—the child. Ironically, the parents end up placing the burden of their child’s care on the very society that created the situation. These now-homeless youth are vulnerable to abuse, drug addiction, and prostitution. They have committed no crime, but are treated worse than criminals. The emotional damage is just as painful.

Even those people who come out to their families as adults often face rejection. Many LGBT people create their own substitute families from close friends, and they may have spouses and their own children. They may be content and feel that they have moved beyond the parental rejection to a place where they are valued and loved. This is perfectly possible. Nevertheless, the love and caring of a mother or father is unique, and rejection from them always leaves a scar.

How do we, as a society, stop this abuse? As with all complex issues, there is no one solution. Change has to come through many channels. The LGBT community and its allies need to continue to work for full civil rights. Parents need more education to learn that there is nothing wrong with them or their children. Schools need to expand their education about the LGBT community and their anti-bullying practices. As a society, we have to see the abandonment of LGBT youth as reprehensible.

We need to believe that ALL children are worthy of love and nurturing, from their families and from their communities.

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