by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

Even those in emotionally healthy homes are feeling the strain of so much togetherness at this time of uncertainty and social distancing. But for some, this is their worst nightmare. Distance is the primary strategy for many victims of domestic violence.

Now that a large portion of Americans have been asked to stay home to fight the spread of the novel coronavirus, many victims are finding themselves trapped with their emotional, sexual, or physical abuser. While there are no easy answers to this very complicated situation, I have listed some tips to try to address the issue. If you are concerned but not sure if abuse is happening in your home, learn more about abuse here.

What to Do If You’re Stuck at Home with an Abusive Partner or Family Member

1. Seek shelter with someone else.

If possible and safe, find an excuse to stay with another close family member or friend. Maybe they need help with working from home or with their children. Maybe your kids need a play date with another child. Maybe you need to take food to someone who can’t cook for themselves. Find a reason to get out, at least for a while.

2. Stay prepared.

Hide an extra car key, jacket, credit card, and walking shoes. Keep your phone charged. If things escalate, you need a way to leave. Planning ahead is essential because when you are under pressure with adrenaline pumping though your brain, you may not be able to think as clearly.

3. Avoid escalating things with the abuser.

Many arguments escalate faster (and may become violent more quickly) when a victim tries to explain themselves. Let the abuser believe false things about you, i.e., “You always…,” “You never…,” “You think that…,” “You didn’t keep your word about…,” “I always give you…” “I do everything for you, you don’t…,” etc. Let them see you incorrectly, at least for the time you are stuck at home.

Editor’s note: If your abuser has ever been violent, or you think they may become violent, this is not a suggestion to allow or put up with harm. If you are in danger, leave the situation and/or seek help from someone you trust as soon as you judge it safe to do so.

4. Don’t seek resolution.

Remember this won’t be the last fight. Often abusers rope victims in to arguments threatening that “This is the last fight, or…”. You will most likely have this argument again. If they threaten to leave or divorce, remember they will probably say it again in the future. This won’t be the last argument. Allow the tension to not be resolved. Don’t chase them to “understanding” you or your perspective.

5. Reach out to people you can trust.

Tell people who care about you. This is the time to reach out to those who love you. If you don’t have trusted friends and family, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Many therapists are also offering phone or Skype sessions during this crisis. Some counselors are even offering discounted therapy sessions during the pandemic. Search for a trustworthy therapist here.

6. Practice self-care.

Take care of your emotions. Exercise, listen to music, play video games, go for walks, garden, do creative projects, or join online groups. Your feelings are legitimate. You are not overreacting.

7. Avoid being trapped.

Try not to be stuck in a car with the abuser. Try to avoid confined places where you can’t leave.

8. Don’t let your abuser pull you back in to arguing.

When you stop responding in an argument, don’t get pulled back in by, “See, you don’t care, you’re just walking away,” “There you go giving up on us,” “Come back here, I’m not done talking to you,” or “See, you’re not interested in resolving this!” Walk away anyway. Don’t explain why.

9. Remember the abuse is not your fault.

Remember an abuser isn’t abusive because they don’t understand you or the facts, they are abusive because of who they are. And no matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, you can’t change them.

10. Get help if you feel threatened.

Go to a neighbor’s home or call 911 or trusted local law enforcement if you feel threatened. There are many domestic violence safe houses that can pick you up and keep you safe from your abuser and help you with legal issues like restraining orders.

You Deserve Compassion, So Give Some to Yourself

Remember to be kind to yourself. You did not cause anyone to treat you in an abusive way. You deserve respect and safety no matter how you have reacted in the past.

Don’t hold anything over your own head. You are not to blame for someone else’s behavior.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological condition that occurs when a victim of abuse identifies and attaches, or bonds, positively with their abuser. This syndrome was originally observed when hostages who were kidnapped not only bonded with their kidnappers, but also fell in love with them.

Professionals have expanded the definition of Stockholm syndrome to include any relationship in which victims of abuse develop a strong, loyal attachment to the perpetrators of abuse. Some of the populations affected with this condition include concentration camp prisoners, prisoners of war, abused children, incest survivors, victims of domestic violence, cult members, and people in toxic work or church environments.

The Characteristics of Stockholm Syndrome

It may be easier to understand Stockholm syndrome as an actual survival strategy for victims. This is because it seems to increase victims’ chances of survival and is believed to be a necessary tactic for defending psychologically and physically against experiencing an abusive, toxic, and controlling relationship. Stockholm syndrome is often found in toxic relationships where a power differential exists, such as between a parent and child or spiritual leader and congregant. Some signs of Stockholm syndrome include:

• Positive regard towards perpetrators of abuse or captors.
• Failure to cooperate with police and other government authorities when it comes to holding perpetrators of abuse or kidnapping accountable.
• Little or not effort to escape.
• Belief in the goodness of the perpetrators or kidnappers.
• Appeasement of captors. This is a manipulative strategy for maintaining one’s safety. As victims get rewarded—perhaps with less abuse or even with life itself—their appeasing behaviors are reinforced.
• Learned helplessness. This can be akin to “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” As the victims fail to escape the abuse or captivity, they may start giving up and soon realize it’s just easier for everyone if they acquiesce all their power to their captors.
• Feelings of pity toward the abusers, believing they are actually victims themselves. Because of this, victims may go on a crusade or mission to “save” their abuser.
• Unwillingness to learn to detach from their perpetrators and heal. In essence, victims may tend to be less loyal to themselves than to their abuser.

Anyone can be susceptible to Stockholm syndrome. Yes, there are certain people with abusive backgrounds that may be more likely to be affected, such as people with abusive childhoods; but any person can become a victim if the right conditions exist.

Battered partners or spouses are a prime example of Stockholm syndrome. Oftentimes, they are reluctant to press charges or initiate a restraining order, and some have attempted to stop police from arresting their abusers even after a violent assault. After the relationship has ended, victims of domestic violence may often make statements such as, “I still love him,” even after being brutally beaten.

Battered partners or spouses are a prime example of Stockholm syndrome. Oftentimes, they are reluctant to press charges or initiate a restraining order, and some have attempted to stop police from arresting their abusers even after a violent assault.

How Stockholm Syndrome Works

Stockholm syndrome occurs when certain dynamics are at play, and it happens within particular circumstances. Following is a list of ingredients that can contribute to the development of the syndrome in individuals:

• The condition can develop when victims of abuse believe there is a threat to their physical or psychological survival, and they also believe their abusers would carry out that threat.
• When victims of kidnapping are treated humanely or simply allowed to live, they often feel grateful and attribute positive qualities to their captors believing that they are, indeed, good people.
• Intermittent good/bad behavior can create trauma bonds. Stockholm syndrome is a form of trauma bond, where the victims “wait out” the bad behaviors for the “crumbs” of good behaviors bestowed on them.
• Victims are isolated from others. When people are in abusive systems, such as a kidnapping situation, access to outside input and communication is limited, or even nonexistent. This way, only the perpetrators’ input is allowed. It’s like “uber-propaganda.”

How to Help People Who May Have Stockholm Syndrome

Understanding the underlying psychology surrounding Stockholm syndrome can help you know how to help someone who has it. Stockholm syndrome is the victim’s response to trauma and involves many social dynamics. Some of these social dynamics include conformity, groupthink, deindividuation, romantic love, and fundamental attribution error, among others.

• Try psychoeducation. Psychoeducation involves teaching victims of Stockholm syndrome what is going on. Remember the saying, “Knowledge is power”? Knowing what you’re up against is the best offense to win the battle for your loved one’s freedom.
• Avoid polarization. Don’t try to convince the victim of the villainous traits of the abuser; this may cause the victim to polarize and defend the perpetrator.
• Use the Socratic method. Ask the victim questions about how they see the situation, how they feel and think, and what they believe needs to happen next.
• Listen without judgment. As the victim ponders everything that’s happened and processes their experience with the perpetrator, listen and use reflection to show concern and validation.
• Don’t give advice. Victims of abuse need to be empowered to make their own decisions. If you come along and tell them what to do because you “obviously know better,” then you are not helping the victim build their muscle of personal power. Remember, the road to healing from abuse is often to empower the victim to make their own decisions, to know this, and to own it.
• Address the cognitive dissonance. Being in a manipulative relationship can cause cognitive dissonance. This means the victim’s intuition has been damaged, and they may be confused about reality. Help them by validating their truth and encouraging them to trust themselves.
• Identify the “hook.” Victims of Stockholm syndrome can become dedicated to a cause or an unspoken desire. They may over-identify with the perpetrator in a dysfunctional way in order to fulfill a personal need. This is the “hook.” Help the victim identify what the underlying need is that is being fulfilled by the abusive relationship connection. Once the victim understands why they are so committed to the relationship, they can start making positive changes.

Examples of hooks include a variety of feelings, such as those of loyalty. They can be found in statements such as “I’ll be there no matter what,” or “It’s you and me against the world.” These types of needs tend to be unconscious and may have developed at an earlier stage of an individual’s life.

Being aware of the psychological underpinnings of Stockholm syndrome can help you understand how to best help someone with the condition. Its treatment is under-researched. While there is ample discussion of the legal ramifications of the disorder, very little has been written on how to help someone who has been affected. The bottom line, no matter what intervention you use to help someone who has this condition, is to remember to offer empathy always and coercion never.

If you think you or a loved one is experiencing Stockholm syndrome, a therapist may help you or them work through some of the steps to healing above. Start your search for the therapist best suited to helping you today.

References:

1. Alexander, D. A. & Klein, S. (2009, January 1). Kidnapping and hostage-taking: A review of effects, coping and resilience. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, 1(102), 16–21. doi: 10.1258/jrsm.2008.080347
2. Carver, J. M. (2014, December 20). Love and Stockholm syndrome: The mystery of loving an abuser, page 1. Retrieved from https://counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/stockholm
3. Dittman, M. (2002). Cults of hatred. American Psychological Association, 10(33), 30. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov02/cults.aspx
4. Gray, M. D. (2017, January 16). How to treat Stockholm syndrome. Retrieved from https://health.onehowto.com/article/how-to-treat-stockholm-syndrome-7546.html
5. Kerkar, P. (2017, August 28). What is a Stockholm syndrome & how is it treated? Retrieved from https://www.epainassist.com/mental-health/stockholm-syndrome
6.  Social psychology. (2010). Retrieved from https://www1.psych.purdue.edu/~willia55/120/LectureSocialF10.pdf

There may be many emotions to sort through after experiencing sexual trauma. These emotions are typically painful, so it is natural to want to avoid them. The problem is, these emotions don’t tend to go away—they fester until you allow the time and space to work through them.

A common cycle of emotions after surviving sexual trauma is: (1) guilt and shame, (2) blame and anger, (3) grieving/mourning, and (4) fear and anxiety. This cycle by no means captures everyone’s experience after a trauma but is a general outline of common reactions. Let’s consider them in more depth.

1. Guilt and Shame

There can be a lot of secrecy surrounding sexual trauma. Victims who come forward are often made to feel like they did something wrong. Some are advised to keep their experience quiet. People often blame the victim by outlining things they “should” or “should not” have done.

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Survivors of sexual trauma may internalize these messages and feel guilt and shame. They may replay in their minds the things they could have done to prevent or escape the trauma, even if they couldn’t have done anything differently. They may feel guilty for having not stopped the abuse and ashamed for having been a victim of it.

Learning to challenge these messages is one of the first hurdles of trauma treatment. Treatment at this stage focuses on self-compassion, understanding, and most importantly: accepting that sexual trauma is never the victim’s fault.

2. Blame and Anger

Along with guilt and shame come blame and anger. Many times, survivors of sexual trauma will blame themselves for what happened and will direct anger at themselves. They beat themselves up with critical, hurtful, and mean thoughts and comments. Some may even engage in self-harming behaviors such as cutting as a coping strategy.

A goal at this stage of treatment is to separate responsibility from blame. Again, no matter what happened, it is never a person’s intention to get abused! Treatment focuses on challenging the blame; challenging the hurtful, critical thoughts; and learning to look at things from a new perspective and generate healthier, more adaptive thoughts. The blame and anger then shift to the perpetrator, as it should.

Unfortunately, many people become stuck at this stage, fuming in anger and unable to move forward. Anger can make us feel more in control. When we are angry, people listen, do what we say, or leave us alone. There is power in anger that makes it hard to let go of. There can also be a fear that if one lets go of the anger, it means it was okay that the trauma happened (of course, it’s not!).

Over time, chronic anger can lead to isolation, loneliness, and depression. Treatment focuses on validating the anger, understanding why it’s there, recognizing anger as a protective warning sign, and learning to manage it before it escalates into verbal or physical aggression.

3. Grieving/Mourning

Grieving can help a survivor of sexual trauma to get unstuck and begin to move forward. There may be many things to grieve: loss of innocence; loss of childhood; loss of feeling safe; grief over mistrusting others and always feeling like something is “too good to be true”; grief over loss of time (for school, relationships, jobs, or time spent self-medicating and in depression); and grief over “what could have been.” Grief can make us feel helpless, powerless, vulnerable, and weak.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving.

It is natural to want to fast-forward through grief or, better yet, stuff it. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts through grieving. The more you try to avoid it, the more out-of-control your emotions may feel. You may begin to fear crying or “losing it” when something triggers you. A common complaint is “overreacting” to small things. But remember, your body is not just reacting to the most recent “small thing”; it is also reacting to all the stressful events you experienced and stuffed away.

Unpacking, unstuffing, and letting it all out is part of the grieving process. It is especially important that you set up a support system and a regular schedule of self-care activities. Treatment at this stage focuses on helping you establish the space, time, support to grieve and mourn. Treatment also helps you learn how to manage intense emotions so you are the one in control, not the emotions.

4. Fear and Anxiety

After working through the guilt, shame, blame, and anger, and taking time to grieve and mourn, many survivors of sexual trauma are left with a feeling of emptiness. All those emotions that were stuffed away used to take up that space. Now that they are gone, many ask, “Now what?”

This phase of treatment focuses on building a life worth living. It is important to fill that hole with new relationships, activities, goals, and emotions, as staying in that empty place can put you at risk for becoming depressed and isolated. This process may bring a new set of challenges, as people—regardless of whether they have experienced trauma—generally hesitate to step out of their comfort zones to try something new.

Trying to build a new life tends to raise many fears and anxieties. Fears that your efforts won’t work, that others will reject you, that your most critical thoughts were true. Anxiety about going to new places, being out in crowds, starting relationships, and trying unfamiliar things.

Treatment at this stage attempts to help survivors of sexual trauma learn how to face their fears; to set healthy boundaries; to problem-solve and work toward specific and measurable goals; and to manage the natural anxieties that come with trying new approaches.

Conclusion

There is hope after sexual trauma. Recovery is possible. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, but it is the first step in learning to trust yourself and the recovery process.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Whatever the nature and scope of your trauma, this is a time to remind yourself that you are not alone. Many colleges, hospitals, and groups throughout the country are holding walks, fairs, clothesline projects, rallies, and other events. Look one up in your area, discover the community you deserve, and contact a therapist if you want support.

Complex posttraumatic stress, known as C-PTSD for short, is the result of prolonged series of traumatic experiences at the hands of someone the victim has a personal relationship with. The most common cause of C-PTSD is child abuse by a parent, stepparent, or other primary caregiver. However, it can result from a range of situations, including abusive relationships, abusive forms of imprisonment, and exploitative prostitution. C-PTSD has similar symptoms to posttraumatic stress (PTSD), but these are entwined with negative self-image, inability to control emotions, and certain personality disturbances.

The Rise of Cultural Competency

One of the most interesting aspects of working in the field of C-PTSD is the interface between cultural competency and complex trauma. Cultural competency has been a major trend within the mental health profession and, indeed, the health care field as a whole. The trend started as response to a number of studies in the 1970s which demonstrated that members of minority and marginalized communities were both less likely to seek out therapy for mental health issues and less likely to have successful treatment outcomes if they did so. While it had been naively thought that psychological research had revealed the nature of the universal human mind, experience demonstrated that many of its conclusions were highly culture contingent. What worked with people raised and acculturated in a Western cultural milieu did not always work with people from different cultural traditions.

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In response to growing awareness of this deficiency, the mental health care industry began promoting cultural competency initiatives designed to educate therapists in the cultures and mores of different minority groups. For example, learning about the differences between honor-shame societies and guilt societies allowed therapists to more effectively help people of Asian origin deal with anxiety and depression. With the expansion of culturally competent mental health services, many people gained access to effective psychotherapy for the first time and we came closer to the goal of a mental health system that serves all Americans.

However, there were two problems with the first wave of cultural competency activism, one logistical and the other more profound. The first is that the sheer diversity of human culture and the internal complexity of each branch of civilization makes it impossible for any one individual to become truly competent in all but a tiny fraction of them. True familiarity with even one culture is the work of years, even a lifetime. In short, training psychologists to achieve cultural competency in all the cultures present in a diverse country like 21st century America, then distributing them everywhere they are needed, is an impossibly complicated—not to mention expensive—task.

In practice, cultural competence training combines elements of both approaches: imparting a basic level of specific knowledge about cultural traditions that a given psychologist is likely to come across in their work so as to avoid likely pitfalls and, at the same time, cultivating a general attitude of flexibility and willingness to explore.

The second problem is that the first-wave approach to cultural competence is based on an artificial model of the world as divided into discrete, self-contained cultural units. This is an oversimplification for two reasons. First, cultural units are, in reality, composed of different subcultures. One may learn, for example, about “Chinese culture,” but there are profound differences between the culture of people from the Dongbei or Huanan regions. Similarly, the rhythms of life in Georgia and Montana are substantially different even for people who share the same ethnicity, religion, or politics. Within these subcultures, too, there are substantially different “sub-subcultures” all the way down to the level of a local town or even family. Decisions about where to draw the line between one “culture” and another are often based on arbitrary or political considerations rather than objective criteria.

Secondly, the static culture model ignores the reality of cross-cultural fertilization and the ability of individuals to cross cultural boundaries. Cultures are not static entities but dynamic, constantly evolving, compound forms, which develop precisely because individuals are able to transcend their cultural origins and incorporate new elements from others or of their own invention. Putting these two considerations together forces us to reimagine our concept of culture as a sort of spectrum, making the task of cultural competence as infinitely complex as the human experience itself.

In response to both practical and philosophical objections to the static model of cultural competence, a new approach known as cultural flexibility was developed. Instead of emphasizing specific forms of knowledge about specific cultures, the emphasis came to be placed more on openness and awareness about questioning assumptions. Instead of being a barrier to communication, with the right attitude and approach, cultural differences can be used as a tool to help the development of an effective therapeutic relationship between therapist and person in therapy. In practice, cultural competence training combines elements of both approaches: imparting a basic level of specific knowledge about cultural traditions that a given psychologist is likely to come across in their work so as to avoid likely pitfalls and, at the same time, cultivating a general attitude of flexibility and willingness to explore.

Cultural Competence and Complex Trauma

One of the most difficult and fascinating areas within the field of culturally competent psychology is the issue of trauma—and complex trauma in particular. While there are many things that are so horrific that virtually anyone would be traumatized by experiencing them, it is clear there is a great deal of cultural variation in what is considered traumatic around the world, as well as how this trauma affects people. To take a superficially extreme example, among the Mursi people of Ethiopia, about a year before marriage, which often takes place as young as 15, a young woman will have an incision of about half an inch made in her lower lip, usually by her own mother (and, of course, without anesthetic). A wooden chip will then be inserted into this incision, which is replaced with successively larger objects until, finally, a clay disk of up 20 centimeters in diameter is inserted in time for the wedding day. It is safe to assume that a typical Western adolescent would find this experience at the very least somewhat traumatic. It is also apparent that, whatever we may think of their views on the relationship between the sexes, the Mursi women are not traumatized by this procedure, or, at least, do not display the typical symptoms of traumatization.

It is of course unlikely that an American psychologist will work with a person sporting a lip plate. If it were to happen, however, it would raise many interesting questions about the nature of childhood trauma. Child abuse exists in every culture and, presumably, the Mursi are no exception, but in dealing with such a case, a therapist would have to be extraordinarily careful not to project their own culturally modulated impression of what constitutes a traumatic experience. Complex trauma represents one of the most delicate and sensitive areas for cultural competence training, and more research is needed to guide best practices regarding the universality and cultural subjectivity of potentially traumatic experiences.

References:

1. Berman S. L. (2016). Identity and trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress Disorders and Treatment 5:2. doi:10.4172/2324-8947.1000e10
2. McFarlane, A. C. (2010). The long-term costs of traumatic stress: Intertwined physical and psychological consequences. World Psychiatry, 9(1), 3–10.
3. Tummala-Narra, P. (2014). Cultural identity in the context of trauma and immigration from a psychoanalytic perspective. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 31(3), 396-409. Retrieved from http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/a0036539
4. Wilson J. P. (2007). Cross-Cultural Assessment of Psychological Trauma. New York: Springer.

People often wonder why those they care about stay with romantic partners who hurt them. It’s a good question on the surface, but the answer is much more complicated.

When people are in abusive relationships, they consciously or unconsciously use many coping strategies. In fact, most such coping strategies involve the use of their strengths: forgiveness, giving (more than 50% in the relationship), tolerance, patience, accommodation, and other pro-social skills for adapting to a difficult situation.

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Sometimes, though, not-so-positive traits are used to adapt to an abusive situation. These include minimizing, denial, rationalization, pretending/fantasizing, “spacing out,” alcohol and drug use, and developing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and posttraumatic stress.

And then there is abuse amnesia.

An exacerbating condition occurs if the person experiencing abuse grew up in an abusive household. In this case, the person may have been conditioned to adapt to an abusive environment by utilizing the above-listed coping styles. People in this situation do not typically respond to “red flags” because they have become accustomed or desensitized to them during their developmental years. They have most likely honed the art of abuse amnesia.

What, exactly, does abuse amnesia look like in practice? It occurs when a person has been abused—physically, verbally, sexually, or emotionally—and in a matter of minutes, hours, or days, it’s as if the occurrence of abuse never happened. The victim and the perpetrator carry on as if the incident never happened.

Why does abuse amnesia occur? One reason is brain chemistry. Here are the brain chemicals involved and their effects (in extremely simplified terms):

• Oxytocin: bonding
• Dopamine: craving, pursuing, longing, motivating, saliency
• Endogenous opioids: withdrawal equals pain, use equals pleasure
• Cortisol: stress
• Adrenaline: stress

When an abusive incident happens, the hormones cortisol and adrenaline are released, putting the individual in a heightened sense of readiness. After extensive incidents of abuse, the brain response has familiarized with a pattern: hyperarousal (abuse and abandonment) and then relief. During the hyperarousal phase, the individual experiences increased levels of stress hormones. Once things have calmed down, the body searches for relief.

During the abandonment phase of the cycle, the victim’s brain releases chemicals that cause the feelings of longing, anticipation, and the motivation to find relief. Endogenous opioid withdrawal causes pain, and the neurotransmitter dopamine motivates the person to search for relief in the object of desire—the abuser.

Once the chaotic encounter between victim and abuser is over, homeostasis sets in. The abusive relationship has become a system. All systems strive for homeostasis, which occurs at a state of equilibrium. Each person in the system adjusts in order to reach that “perfect” state of equilibrium. Abuse amnesia is an essential component of this balance.

It is distressing to think bad thoughts about a recent traumatic event. It is much more calming to remember the good times. Thus, a person who is in an abusive relationship trains their brain to “move on” and feel good again. Once the abusive partner comes back and stops actively abusing, the brain releases oxytocin and opioids, which have a calming effect. The stress hormones are diminished and the feelings of relief caused by the positive chemicals reinforce the victim’s ability to forget the bad and hold on to the good.

The pattern continues—minimize the bad, focus on the good. Forget the pain. Remember the positive.

Even with very little good, thoughts of hope are there to calm the senses. Memories from previous experiences of relief kick in and offer the promise of help coming in the form of the abuser—the beholder of the hope.

How to Heal from Abuse Amnesia

If you realize you have abuse amnesia, then action is required to change. Here are some practical steps to take to stop the patterns of abuse:

Realize you have value and should be treated accordingly. You do not deserve to be treated poorly by your partner. You deserve dignity and respect. Settle for nothing less.

1. Get support. You need to find healthy relationships to be part of and safe people to talk to. Abuse is damaging to your personhood. In order to heal, it is essential that you be around people who will not abuse you under any circumstances. Find support from kind, compassionate people who are good listeners. Consider meeting with a therapist.
2. Write a list of abusive incidents and keep adding to it. Write down what the abusive person is doing to you and keep adding to it. It might look like this: (1) Called me a name; (2) Blamed me for our last fight; (3) Didn’t follow through with a commitment; (4) Threw a cup at my head; and so on. In healthy relationships, keeping a “record of wrongs” is unwise because it is counterproductive to focus on a partner’s failings; however, in an abusive relationship, different rules apply.
3. Write a recovery plan for yourself. To do this, you need to know what you want to change about yourself—not the other person. This list can contain as many goals as you want, but three may be a manageable start. For instance, you could have goals such as these: (1) I will pay attention to my needs and take care of them at all times; (2) I will not sacrifice myself for a relationship; (3) I will live in an abuse-free environment. Your list should contain personal boundaries and bottom-line behaviors. Carry these written goals everywhere you go.
4. Stop pretending and live in truth. Tell yourself, “I will not push things under the rug anymore and instead will hold my partner accountable.” How do you hold someone accountable? You tell them, “I will not put up with this behavior one more minute. You either get help or I will not be able to invest my emotional energy in this relationship until you do.” Follow through.
5. Value yourself. Realize you have value and should be treated accordingly. You do not deserve to be treated poorly by your partner. You deserve dignity and respect. Settle for nothing less.
6. Find your voice. Start talking about your situation to others. Abuse thrives in secrecy.
7. Set boundaries. There may be many boundary violations in an abusive relationship. Learn to identify what boundaries you need to incorporate in order to break the cycle of abuse and protect yourself. Remember: boundaries involve your behavior, not the other person’s. You can only change yourself. People who perpetrate abuse hate boundaries, so recognize the more you try to implement them the more you may be challenged.
8. Learn abstinence. An abusive relationship is akin to an addiction. Both partners become addicted to the patterns and the brain chemicals involved in the toxic interactions. A primary ingredient for working a recovery plan is to implement abstinence. You must abstain from toxic encounters. One thing you can abstain from is abuse amnesia—refuse to allow yourself to just “move on” after an abusive encounter.
9. Journal. As you attempt to heal, write your feelings in a journal. Keep track of what is happening in your relationship. Notice the patterns and write your feelings down so you can realize what is happening in your life. Journaling can help you feel your emotions, process your thoughts, and get to a place of healing.

The first step for any type of recovery involves awareness. As you become aware that you have been overlooking abuse, you actually implement the first step of recovery. Awareness precedes action and impedes denial. Awareness involves the idea of realization—that is, understanding that “this is really happening, it is happening now, and it is happening to me.”

Anyone who has ever been in recovery from addiction or abuse can attest to the fact it is not easy. The process of recognizing there is a problem; increasing motivation to take control; seeking support; and identifying the types of people, environments, and situations that will allow for recovery may, at times, seem impossible. It is the difficulty of the work of recovery that makes recovery communities all the more important—in many cases, crucial.

What Are Recovery Communities?

Recovery communities are organized and structured support networks that focus on the specific issues and needs that are relevant to the participants. For those recovering from substance abuse, the recovery community may focus on understanding the urges and triggers surrounding substance use. The community taps the experience of newer and longer-term community members to foster support as well as key strategies to prevent relapse.

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In the instance of people recovering from sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, these communities provide a safe space for individuals to share and process their experiences; connect with others who have had similar experiences; and receive ongoing support to promote healing, self-confidence, and self-worth. They may also include a prevention aspect to help recovering people learn how to identify and avoid situations and environments that may be harmful. These communities can be broad or highly specific, virtual or in-person, open or closed.

Why Should I Join a Recovery Community?

Two of the most insidious issues with addiction and abuse are the feelings of shame and isolation that typically accompany those experiences. It becomes difficult to know who you can talk to, to know who is safe and who will provide support in helping work through things.

Recovery communities are a collection of people who are motivated both to promote their own recovery and to form relationships that decrease the sense of shame or isolation they faced because of the abuse or addiction.

Once you’ve identified yourself as someone in recovery, it becomes important to reengage with the world around you in new and different ways. For some people, this might mean finding new people to be around, people who help support and maintain habits you are adopting in your recovery.

Recovery communities are a collection of people who are motivated both to promote their own recovery and to form relationships that decrease the sense of shame or isolation they faced because of the abuse or addiction. Joining a recovery community allows those in recovery to connect with and help others. Knowing that your story and your engagement in a recovery community helps others through their own recovery process can have significantly positive effects on self-worth and self-efficacy.

How Do I Choose a Recovery Community?

First, it’s important to identify what you are recovering from. You are not limited to joining one recovery community. If, for example, you are recovering from intimate partner violence and substance abuse, you may find yourself part of two different recovery communities that focus on separate areas of recovery.

Second, consider what community of people you feel would be best suited to help you through recovery. You may decide you want to join a community with participants of the same gender identity or groups with a particular cultural understanding. Or perhaps you want to join a community that uses spiritual or religious practices that you want to incorporate into your life. Doing a little research on who is in the community beforehand may lead you to feel more comfortable when you join. It may also encourage greater participation and involvement within your chosen community.

Another key consideration when choosing a recovery community has to do with access and availability. Would you prefer a community that is local? While some people may prefer anonymity as they work through their recovery, others may enjoy knowing that members of their community are close by and readily accessible. Some community groups may be open, meaning new members might be able to join or drop by at any time. Other groups are closed or may have limited opportunities for new members to join.

Do in-person groups appeal to you or are you more interested in virtual communities? In-person communities allow you to be with people in real time but may be harder to attend because of physical or time restrictions, whereas virtual communities may allow you have greater access to members and get support during hours that an in-person group might not be available.

If you are interested in joining a recovery community and are already seeing a professional, they may be able to recommend a group for you. Well-known recovery communities include AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), Al-Anon (for family and friends), NA (Narcotics Anonymous), and RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network). If you are at the beginning stages of recovery, meeting with a mental health professional may be a valuable first step before entering a recovery community.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. I’m in my forties now. Neither of my parents is in the best of health, and I don’t know how much time left I have with them. They don’t talk to each other. I’m on good terms with both of them, though closer to my dad.

I was visiting my mom a couple of years ago when she told me a bombshell of a family secret: my dad had been sexually abused by a pastor as a child. This went on for years, apparently. It seems my mom is the only person in our family he has told about this—assuming she is to be believed. I add this qualifier because she has a history of creating drama. I have not known her to outright lie, however.

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I am inclined to believe her, as I know my dad was raised in a devout, church-going family and he has never been one to be very open with his feelings, emotions, or past experiences. If he was indeed abused as a child, I think it’s likely he’d hide it from his children, out of what I would imagine is a deep sense of shame.

It’s my empathy and compassion for that shame that has kept me from saying anything to him these past couple of years. One the one hand, I really want him to be able to talk about his past with me. Part of me thinks that by talking about it, he might be able to make peace with it (assuming he hasn’t already) and perhaps have fewer regrets as the end of his life approaches. On the other hand, I don’t want to push him into talking about something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about. The one thing I am sure of is that he’ll take this to his grave if I don’t bring it up. If I do bring it up, I would not be surprised if he denied it.

What are your thoughts? Should I try to get him to talk to me about this? —Hurting for Him

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Hurting,

What a fascinating question—and touching, since your empathy for your father is so obvious. I’m moved by how you want to help him find peace with what sounds like a pretty awful betrayal and abuse of trust. As the film Spotlight illustrated, it’s terribly painful when “God’s ambassadors” are the ones perpetuating such psychological and/or physical injury, which can leave scars for a lifetime.

I suppose my main question is: whose peace are you actually seeking? It sounds as if you are nagged by the question or impulse to help him. My question is, and I mean this in a deep sense: how come? This is not to sound skeptical; I just find it’s helpful to understand one’s own impulse to help. There are times when, in my own experience, the relief cuts two ways—one for the other person and two for ourselves, since we are troubled by such a disturbing disclosure.

Wanting to help our parents as they grow older is one way many of us want to “give back” for what we are just now beginning to appreciate. It sounds as though you have an intuitive sense of how this might be bothering your father. I also wonder if your mother told you because she either was tired of carrying such a secret herself all these years or was hoping you might find a way to approach him. Did she say this to you in confidence, or is she okay with you bringing it to him?

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

I would still advise you to pause a moment to gently reflect on your motives and feelings. What are you hoping might come of an honest conversation with your dad? If he has never really dealt with it, it’s unlikely one conversation will clear it up. It might—or it might stir up all kinds of complex feelings around what happened. He may feel anger at the perpetrator and those who failed to protect him as a boy. It’s also possible he doesn’t know how he feels, or harbors deeper feelings that may arise in a conversation and take time to process (which doesn’t mean “don’t do it,” just that he might say no before he says yes, or say no and want to reflect on it himself).

He may also have feelings about your mother disclosing this to you. Again, I don’t know anyone involved or the dynamics of the family, but sometimes there is an unspoken need among family members for a secret to come out in the open, and sometimes there is conflict around it. He may chuckle and say, “Oh, your mom …” or he may become angry about having his secret spilled.

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

Is it possible your mother wants your dad to discuss it while he is reluctant or outright disinterested? Are you then concerned about your mother’s distress? Is your mother enlisting you as a kind of stand-in for her own pursuit? The “drama” you allude to regarding your mom might be a way for her to attract attention while avoiding her own feelings or vulnerability.

If any of this is true, keep in mind the risk of wading into a longstanding struggle; sometimes adult children are the “power brokers” or go-betweens in such situations. This has its benefits and risks, naturally. I recommend considering the downside of stepping in, along with the potential benefits. It’s also true any decision you make will have potential ups and downs, and there is often no easy choice. I sense you care deeply about both of your folks—and at the end of the day, provided you move with empathy for all involved (as best you can), this is what matters most.

Should you decide you’d like to try discussing this with him, I would broach the topic gently and see if he wants to discuss it before specifics are introduced. You can come from a place of your own concern, even curiosity, about his experience, and ask if talking would help him—rather than coming at him with a pre-decided or firm intent to help (which can be received as critical, if a person hasn’t asked for it).

I often encourage people to ask, “How can I help?” before deciding for the other person what’s needed or how it ought to play out. (Not that you’re doing this.) I often ask people in therapy (or even loved ones) if they want suggestions before offering my own advice. It surprises me how, so much of the time, people just want to be heard, validated, understood … so they don’t feel so alone in their struggle.

Of course, you may hit a wall with him. He may resist and then come around, or he might surprise you by being open right at the start.

If you decide to broach the topic, the key is to be honest with him about your love and concern for him. It’s a bit of a tightrope, wanting to be transparently honest without falling into “you need to do this, dad” when the motivation may be your own anxiety. One thing to consider is whether some of the shame and darkness you imagine he’s feeling is, possibly, what you are feeling. It’s painful and difficult to think of a person you love being harmed in such a way.

In short, the “lead” as they say in journalism is your love and concern for him, your empathy, in compassionately considering him and his (conscious or unconscious) struggle, and your wanting to lighten the load. One of the most loving things you can do is to ask if or how you can help with all this—if you decide to talk to him. (If this is a real hot button between your folks, it’s also okay to recuse yourself.) Let him decide whether he wants to open this door wider or at all, or would rather leave sleeping traumas be.

I hope, whatever happens, he will be proud of a son who cares enough about his dad to take a risk.

Finally, please know there is no “perfect decision” in such cases. Often, in the messiness and muddle of human affairs, we simply do the best we can. Sounds to me like you’re a good son trying to do just that.

Thanks so much for writing!

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ll just say it: I hate my parents with every fiber of my being. I’m pretty sure they hate me, too. My dad beat me almost every day when I was little, and never had anything nice to say when I was growing up. He was always on drugs, burned me with his cigarettes, told me I was garbage. Which is exactly what I felt like. My mom stood by and let it happen. He hit her too. I watched it happen. She took it out on me. She wouldn’t even let me eat some nights. I wish I had reported them, but I never did. I was too afraid of what would happen to me.

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I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. Then, out of the blue, my mom calls me. I hung up right away. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. I’m like, “Really?”

I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I had terrible parents. I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t see that ever changing, either.

I know hate is an ugly word. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. But I hate my parents. I can’t forgive them. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. —No Love Lost

Dear NLL,

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse; scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal.

You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward.

Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.

Emotional experience is subtle and complex. It’s possible—through therapy and other avenues— to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined.

This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction.

When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him—a classic abuse technique—so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. Unable to address her husband, she directed her rage at her son and essentially held him hostage with her manipulations and subterfuge.

A couple of years ago, I had the good fortune of studying with a longtime psychoanalyst and mentor. I asked about forgiveness of one’s parents as a “must.” You see, I had inadvertently caused some controversy in one of my doctoral seminars after reading an article by a psychoanalyst who felt that forgiving one’s parents was a sign of maturity; I disagreed, as I felt there could be no global rule about forgiveness as it pertains to one’s parents, and clashed with my fellow students and instructors.

My mentor waved off this “doctrine” in no uncertain terms. “Why do you have to forgive your parents?” he wondered aloud. “I’ve never been a fan of that idea. Especially if they were horrible to their kids. Am I going to tell a woman who experienced incest with her dad, with a mom who denied such things ever happened, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’? Of course not. And anyway, do we really want requirements of the people we help? What do we do if they can’t or won’t forgive? Refuse to see them? Give them moral instruction? That’s repeating the very abuse they’re trying so hard to escape.”

All of this is a way of saying this: Do what feels safe and right to you. Keep your boundary. The fact you took the time to write means there’s some part of you that treasures your own preservation and well-being; trust your instincts! Also, the fact you have set a boundary and had such a human, understandable, and honest reaction to your mother’s recent contact tells me you’re probably the healthiest person in your family. The healthiest person is often the first to seek therapy, as it turns out.

I have discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

Speaking of which, I would encourage you to seek a counselor, preferably one who can address the psychodynamics of such pernicious abuse. The damage can be very subtle. I discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

You might say the vulnerable part of us, which we have to hide or “put away” in an abusive context, inevitably emerges as we try to fulfill our hopes and goals for an authentic life, especially in regard to relationships with others (sexual/romantic, friendships, even educationally or professionally). Sustaining hope means remaining vulnerable. Some people end up sabotaging their own hopes, or withdrawing from life, due to the savagery of past suffering. Finding a competent healer might be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.

Hating your parents is one thing. Hating yourself for hating them is quite another. You clearly don’t deserve that burden. A competent therapist can help you recognize and have compassion for the forces at work in your self-directed misgivings.

One final note: Are there are any other family members you can talk to who “get” your experience and can validate it? A cousin, aunt or uncle, even close family friend? The son I spoke of earlier had an aunt who was far more balanced than his own mother, and he and his aunt developed a fairly close rapport. The aunt validated his experience as real, which was an important aspect of his coming to terms with his experience and moving forward.

I hope this has been helpful. I further hope you are able to find the peace so unfairly denied to you by your parents.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

My therapy practice is in Fairfax County, one of the wealthiest counties, with some of the best schools, in the nation. It is diverse and densely populated with well-educated residents who are overwhelmingly employed in business and professional services. Fairfax County is home to the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC), and is only a short distance from the nation’s government and leading policy makers. The town in which I work was voted one of the best cities for raising families in the state of Virginia.

Despite the wealth, access to education, and proximity to the country’s main resources for enforcing security in our nation, not all children here are safe. Like children everywhere, they are vulnerable to the atrocities of child abuse.

In 2016, SafeSpot, a local children’s advocacy center that supports families and facilitates the investigation of child sexual and severe physical abuse allegations, served more than 375 children who were impacted by abuse, the overwhelming majority of whom alleged sexual abuse. SafeSpot also worked with children who were traumatized by witnessing domestic violence.

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Most people would agree child abuse is a heartbreaking issue, yet many believe it’s not something that could happen to anyone they know or love. On the contrary, child abuse happens everywhere—in all types of homes, families, neighborhoods, schools, churches, and communities. No population, culture, or socioeconomic group is immune. Child abuse is likely present somewhere in your very own network.

National statistics show more than 700,000 children are abused annually in the United States, with 90% of alleged abusers in some way related to the victims. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) reports that every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Every eight minutes, that victim is a child. One in four women and one in six men are sexually abused as children.

People who abuse children are not just creepy strangers who lurk behind bushes or abduct children in vans. They often include people we encounter every day, people their victims know, love, and trust. People who abuse can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, moms, dads, teachers, coaches, mentors, neighbors, and family friends.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

The realities of child abuse are alarming, but developing an awareness of the problem brings the increased ability to prevent or at least identify when child abuse occurs.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

Tips for Parents to Prevent and Address Child Abuse

• Educate yourself on the statistics of child abuse and understand that even your own children could be at risk. You may know somebody who is or has the potential to be abusive, so know where to go or who to call in your community if at any time you suspect or discover a child is being hurt or threatened.
• Listen and validate when a child reveals abuse. Very rarely do children lie about abuse. Try to remain open, calm, curious, and nonjudgmental if a child reports or alludes to having been abused.
• I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain calm. It’s obviously gut-wrenching to hear your child may have been hurt, and it’s further challenging and complicated when the allegations are made against somebody you know and trust. But your initial reaction may determine whether the child shuts down and bottles up the violation, or reports and ultimately ends the trauma to seek healing.
• Often, children will report only parts of what happened or may pretend it happened to someone else in order to gauge how an adult will react. Be patient and allow the child to feel safe enough to continue opening up. Responding emotionally or with judgment, blame, or disbelief may cause the child to shut down and avoid talking about the abuse.
• From early on, begin facilitating conversations with your children, letting them know they can come to you about anything, no matter what anyone else says. Abuse is hard for children to comprehend, let alone talk about. They often internalize a sense of fear, embarrassment, and shame, and wind up believing they are at fault or somehow to blame for what happened. Further, people who abuse frequently coerce silence via emotional abuse, warnings the victim won’t be believed, and by threats of harm to the victim or their loved ones. Teach your children it’s your job to protect them, not the other way around, and demonstrate unconditional love so they feel safe enough to talk to you.
• Use age-appropriate language and find moments to educate your children about their bodies, about appropriate versus inappropriate touch, and about sexuality as they get older. Sex and sexuality are often awkward, uncomfortable, or taboo topics in many families; however, it’s important that you, as the adult, demonstrate and model that embarrassing or difficult topics are still important and do not need to be off-limits or avoided.
• While it’s unhealthy to isolate or shelter our children, we can be selective about what daycares, schools, and activities they participate in. Ensure that background checks are done on any individuals working directly with children, and advocate for staff trainings on the prevention, recognition, and reporting of child abuse. Communicate regularly with your children about the other adults and peers in their lives.
• The signs of abuse are not always easy to recognize without hindsight; however, step in and talk to your child if you notice any emotional or behavioral changes, such as increased anxiety, withdrawal, isolating, rebellion, or angry outbursts. It’s important to explore any signs of physical abuse, including bruises, rashes, or swelling. Pay attention to physical problems, such as urinary tract infections, or frequent complaints of things like headaches or stomachaches that aren’t medically explained. Understand it’s normal for children to be inquisitive and exploratory regarding gender and sexuality, but watch out for any sexual behavior, language, or curiosity that does not seem age-appropriate.

Help for Perpetrators of Child Abuse

If you are someone who has abused or believe you have the potential to abuse a child, I urge you to get help from a mental health professional who can assist you in exploring the roots of this insidious problem. While most children who are abused do not go on to repeat the cycle of abuse, many abusers were, in fact, victims of child abuse themselves. This history of abuse needs to be dealt with so you can attain a life free from the guilt, shame, and destruction of hurting others.

Spreading Awareness of Child Abuse Prevention

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Prevent Child Abuse America has designated the pinwheel as the national symbol for child abuse prevention. Please help spread awareness of the realities of child abuse by displaying a pinwheel in your workplace, organization, or community. The more we talk about and spread awareness regarding the realities of child abuse, the closer we come to ending it.

References:

1. National statistics on child abuse. (2014). Retrieved from http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/media-kit/national-statistics-child-abuse
2. Pinwheels for prevention. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://preventchildabuse.org/resource/pinwheels-for-prevention
3. Scope of the problem: Statistics. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem