“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.

[gt_toc title=”In this article”]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-it-is”]What gaslighting in relationships looks like[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#gaslight-effect”]The Gaslight Effect: how the dynamic deepens[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#effects”]What it does to the targeted partner[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#what-to-do”]What to do if you think you’re being gaslit[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#conventional-wisdom”]When conventional wisdom can hurt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#therapy”]How therapy must adapt[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#progress”]Measuring progress differently[/gt_toc_item]
[gt_toc_item href=”#faq”]Frequently asked questions[/gt_toc_item]
[/gt_toc]

What gaslighting in relationships looks like

The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.

[gt_compare]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting is NOT” title=”Ordinary relational friction” color=”orange” points=”A partner remembering an argument differently|A clumsy apology|A one-off lie someone later owns”]
[gt_compare_col label=”Gaslighting IS” title=”A repeated pattern of manipulation” color=”green” points=”Repeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced|Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory|Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence”]
[/gt_compare]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Clinical definition”]
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
[/gt_callout]

The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time

Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:

[gt_steps]
[gt_step num=”01″ title=”Disbelief”]“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?”[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”02″ title=”Defense”]You start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood.[/gt_step]
[gt_step num=”03″ title=”Depression”]You feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself.[/gt_step]
[/gt_steps]

People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.

Gaslighting might sound like…

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Denial”]
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Minimization”]
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”Deflection”]
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
[/gt_callout]

What gaslighting does to the targeted partner

Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:

[gt_card title=”Chronic self-doubt” color=”green”]
“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Difficulty making decisions” color=”orange”]
Even small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Anxiety, shame, and numbness” color=”green”]
A steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Social withdrawal” color=”orange”]
Explaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out.
[/gt_card]

What to do if you think you’re being gaslit

[gt_callout style=”green” label=”Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants”]
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.

Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
[/gt_callout]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge”]
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.

Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
[/gt_callout]

When conventional wisdom can hurt

Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.

Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:

[gt_checklist title=”Assumptions standard advice makes”]
[gt_check]Both people can reflect on their behavior[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both can take responsibility when they’re wrong[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Both genuinely want to understand one another[/gt_check]
[gt_check]Perception is grounded in shared facts and reality[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”orange” label=”Why this matters”]
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
[/gt_callout]

How therapy must adapt

Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the person being gaslit” color=”green”]
The therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Couples therapy” color=”green”]
The therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input.
[/gt_card]

[gt_card title=”Individual therapy with the gaslighter” color=”orange”]
The most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all.
[/gt_card]

Progress is measured differently

In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.

[gt_checklist title=”What real progress looks like”]
[gt_check]The gaslighting partner stops denying the other person’s reality[/gt_check]
[gt_check]They show behavioral accountability: “I did that. It was wrong.”[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The targeted partner stops over-explaining and starts trusting their own perceptions again[/gt_check]
[gt_check]The relationship becomes safer and more respectful, consistently, not performatively[/gt_check]
[/gt_checklist]

[gt_callout style=”dark” label=”A final grounding point”]
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
[/gt_callout]

Frequently asked questions

[gt_faq title=””]
[gt_faq_item q=”What exactly is gaslighting in a relationship?”]
Gaslighting is a pattern of psychological manipulation in which one partner repeatedly causes the other to question their perceptions, memories, and sense of reality. It differs from ordinary disagreements in two ways: the repetition and the deliberate goal of gaining power and control. The APA defines it as manipulating someone into doubting their own perceptions or experiences.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What are the signs I might be getting gaslit?”]
Common signs include constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused after conversations, apologizing frequently without knowing why, making excuses for your partner’s behavior, and feeling less confident than you used to be. You may notice you no longer trust your own memory of events, or that you feel anxious before difficult conversations even when you know you have done nothing wrong.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Is gaslighting considered emotional abuse?”]
Yes. Persistent gaslighting is widely recognized as a form of emotional abuse. It systematically erodes a person’s sense of reality, self-worth, and autonomy. Because it targets the victim’s capacity to trust their own judgment, it can be more insidious than forms of abuse that leave visible evidence.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Why do people stay in relationships where they’re being gaslit?”]
People stay for many reasons unrelated to weakness: love, shared history, financial dependence, fear of retaliation, children, or genuine hope that things will improve. The manipulation typically begins subtly and escalates slowly, making it hard to identify until someone is deeply invested. By the time the pattern becomes clear, accumulated self-doubt has often made it harder to act on what they know.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”Can a gaslighter change through therapy?”]
Change is possible, but requires genuine willingness to acknowledge behavior and take accountability. In couples therapy, progress is most likely in milder cases where some willingness remains. In individual therapy, the gaslighter needs to develop real insight into the impact of their behavior, which is difficult without the therapist having broader relational context. Meaningful change requires sustained behavioral accountability, not just verbal acknowledgment.
[/gt_faq_item]
[gt_faq_item q=”What should I do first if I think I’m being gaslit?”]
Start by building your support network. Reach out to people who have your best interests at heart and will be honest with you; they offer the outside perspective the manipulation is designed to deny you. Keep a private journal documenting incidents with dates and details; this helps counter the self-doubt the manipulation creates. Individual therapy with a qualified therapist can also help you regain your footing.
[/gt_faq_item]
[/gt_faq]

[gt_takeaways title=”Key takeaways”]
[gt_take]Gaslighting in relationships is a pattern, not a single disagreement or misremembered event.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]It escalates in three stages: disbelief, defense, depression.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Conventional “talk it through” advice can make it worse; sometimes opting out is the healthy choice.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Therapy helps, but the clinician must recognize the dynamic and adapt their approach.[/gt_take]
[gt_take]Progress is measured by accountability and restored self-trust, not just fewer fights.[/gt_take]
[/gt_takeaways]

[gt_cta style=”orange” title=”You don’t have to sort this out alone.” subtitle=”Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.” button_text=”Browse the GoodTherapy Directory” button_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html”]

[gt_author name=”Tomoko Iimura, LMFT” title=”Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist” location=”San Antonio, TX” photo=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/thumbs/250×250/dbimages/87189-tomoko-iimura.jpeg” profile_url=”https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/tomoko-iimura-marriage-family-therapist”]
Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here.
[/gt_author]

Narcissistic abuse is particularly insidious as it almost always damages every aspect of a person’s sense of self including their mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. Because of this, it’s important to begin to heal from this form of abuse from the inside out. With the right resources, it is possible to do more than just beat the pain, and instead, find a newfound sense of joy and self-empowerment in the aftermath.  

The Nature of Narcissism: Decoding the Disorder 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable Cluster B personality disorder marked with an inflated sense of self-importance, deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that often results in dysfunctional relationships. It can be found adjacent to antisocial personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder in the DSM. 

Deeply rooted insecurities are often the source of NPD, and the grandiose behaviors exhibited by narcissists are generally nothing more than defense mechanisms used to mask a very fragile ego. Cultural factors and social expectations can predispose an individual to this disorder, which also has a genetic component.   

It is important not to correlate every case of high confidence or egocentrism with an actual mental health condition. In today’s world, selfie culture is the norm, and it would minimize the damaging effects of NPD to assume that every person who snaps and shares photos of themselves has the disorder. In fact, it’s been estimated that a very small percentage of the population lives with this condition. This is where it’s important to consider the root causes of NPD and develop an understanding of an individual’s internal motivations.  

While personality disorders are generally considered incurable, symptoms of NPD can be well-managed with therapy, and often, with medication. The biggest hurdle, however, is getting those with NPD to accept and engage in treatment. Some have argued this is why it’s difficult to determine exactly how many people meet the criteria and, therefore, estimates remain low. 

Understanding Its Impact 

Acknowledging that NPD is marked by grandiosity, a need for constant admiration from others, and a lack of empathy, it’s perhaps not all that surprising that being in a relationship with someone with NPD would be difficult. If an individual can’t intimately connect with another person and share in their experience, it’d be challenging to advance any form of relationship with them. The issue is much deeper than just not making a genuine connection with others, however. The trouble stems from a narcissist’s underhanded intentions in the connections they do choose to make. 

Because those with NPD can’t intimately connect, they tend to only pursue relationships they see as beneficial to them, and there is almost always an end game to a narcissist’s willing participation. In other words, a narcissist views others as an extension of self – those they pursue have something they want. Of course, if that “thing” goes away, the narcissist does, too. They’re very quick to discard this person and simply move on. 

To get what they desire from relationships, narcissists nearly always lie and manipulate their victims. In fact, they’re known to use an especially detrimental form of manipulation called “gaslighting.” This is when they attempt to alter a person’s experience and make it their own.  

 Constant gaslighting makes victims begin to question their own perception of reality, which accomplishes two goals – it wears down a victim’s self-esteem and makes them more dependent on the narcissist. It also makes it tough for a person to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong even when they intuitively know something is “off” or they’re feeling hurt or betrayed by the narcissist.  

Because they can’t put a finger on why they feel this way, victims often blame themselves. They choose not to leave, and this allows for the cycle of abuse to continue. Over time, a sense of self is lost and, generally, a victim becomes isolated from meaningful people, places, and things in their “previous” lives.  

Can the Abuse Get Physical?  

The short answer is, yes, absolutely. Narcissists pride themselves on outward appearances, so they’ll often lead with mental and emotional tactics, which don’t leave visible marks. However, if a victim begins to recognize they’re being mistreated and speaks up, the abuse can quickly turn physical.  

 The term that’s commonly used for this is “narcissistic wrath.” Again, those with NPD have a fragile ego they’ll do anything to protect. When this is exposed, it infuriates them. Everything they’ve done to ensure others don’t see them for who they truly are is put in jeopardy and the individual responsible for this can begin to experience more overt abuse.  

In addition to pushing, shoving, hitting, choking, suffocating, and other common abusive reactions, narcissists also tend to intensify mental and emotional turmoil. They may move around the victim’s personal belongings in a very real attempt to drive them mad, or they may secretly contact a victim’s loved ones, friends, and even co-workers to spread lies about them. If a victim summons enough strength to leave their abuser, this is often met with “smear campaigning,” which involves defaming a person’s reputation as a last-ditch effort to instill control when the abuser can no longer exert control over the victim directly. 

What Happens if a Victim Returns? 

Victims of narcissistic abuse who’ve managed to break free frequently return to this relationship at some point. Not only has the abuser done a thorough job of stripping the victim of their own sense of self-worth, turning their lives entirely upside down, but chances are, the perpetrator hasn’t changed at all.  

Those with NPD actually gain “narcissistic supply” from “winning” their sadistic games, meaning they gain energy from exploiting others whereas living in constant contention will deplete an average person. An ultimate win in the narcissist’s mind would come from luring a victim back once their perceived opponent has managed to leave.  

Victims who’ve stayed with narcissists long enough to be left confused, isolated, and alone, and with limited options to move forward, are especially vulnerable to returning. And, unfortunately, once a victim returns, the narcissist generally performs an ultimate “discard.” Even if the individual with NPD seems to have changed, they’re still fundamentally incapable of feeling empathy, so their motives are almost always impure. Instead, they usually try to take what little good the victim has left in their lives and throw it all away, experiencing a sense of satisfaction when they can do so and exit abruptly, leaving the victim to pick up the pieces.  

 Ever heard the saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?” Unfortunately, expecting different results from reentering into a partnership with a narcissist almost always ends with the victim being left worse off than they were prior. And just like the cycle of addiction, every “relapse” will make it more difficult for the victim to heal as a result. 

Narcissistic Abuse & Declining Mental Health 

Given all that was said above, it becomes evident that it’s important to identify signs of narcissistic abuse early on so victims can leave before things get any worse. The longer an individual stays in a relationship with a narcissist, the more time the abuser has to chip away at their self-efficacy. Getting out as quickly as possible can save a victim from more lasting issues tied to trauma, including the development of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  

Before we come to any conclusions concerning how easy or difficult it is to identify early warning signs, we have to first take a look at another commonly referred to term when it comes to narcissistic abuse – “love-bombing.” This is the period, at the very beginning of the relationship, where the narcissist does everything in their power to lure in, and eventually trap, their victim with supposed love, attention, and adoration. Many victims find this to be endearing, and only come to realize that these efforts are especially over-the-top, overpowering, and even desperate, after they cease later on. 

Examples of love-bombing might include buying luxury items, including expensive gifts, vacations, or vehicles. It may involve paying off a partner’s debt or sending daily bouquets of flowers to desks at work. Or it may present in the form of excessive communication and compliments that make the partner believe they need to move the relationship along more quickly than they normally would.  

 The love-bombing phase almost always ends with abrupt and significant changes to a victim’s life which include the person relinquishing a fair amount of control (i.e., they’ve moved in with their partner, married them, combined all of their finances, etc.). At this point, the narcissist has succeeded in their quest to gain control and their true intentions become evident. They no longer have to put on a façade, and the mask begins to fall off. 

It is in this next phase that internal alarm bells will start to go off and a victim may feel significant buyer’s remorse. 

The Fight or Flight Response 

One of the most noteworthy internal alarm bells humans have is their natural “fight or flight” instinct. This inherent trait is meant to protect a person against an external threat. While the fight or flight response was especially vital for protecting our ancestors from natural predators, in modern-day life it has become less of a necessity. Despite this, the mind and body have a hard time distinguishing between being attacked by a tiger in the wild and amplified distress caused by work deadlines, piling bills – or being in an unhealthy relationship.  

When it comes to being in a relationship with a narcissist, the fight or flight response can both come in handy and end up being detrimental over time. Feeling this way can signal something’s off in the relationship, which helps with a victim’s decision to leave. But, at the same time, being “stuck” there for too long can cause difficult-to-reverse anxiety, paranoia, and hypervigilance. This is why it’s important for victims to maintain a sense of self-trust and to not second-guess what their body is telling them. 

Learning to trust this signal in the very beginning and initiating self-care can protect against lingering distress and bring one back into balance. In abusive relationships, self-care equates to leaving and rebuilding. 

Other Warning Signs 

Other indicators of narcissistic abuse include gradual disconnection from family and friends, not having control over finances, suspecting a partner is only sharing half-truths or feeling as if their stories don’t add up. One’s partner may also be unable to account for part or all of their day and they may get notably defensive when asked where they were. They may also be exceptionally unemotional unless and until they feel cornered.  

 Remember, those with NPD don’t experience emotions like others and their attempts to engage with people tend to come across as atypical or forced. It is also difficult for them to read the emotions of others. So, they commonly present as stoic or respond oddly to social-emotional cues unless provoked. When provoked, their anger can be over the top. 

 If these indicators aren’t obvious enough early enough, victims will begin to feel symptoms of progressing mental health issues including feeling lonely, anxious, lethargic, and depressed. Over time, deeper feelings of helplessness, unworthiness, and chronic discontentment will start to creep in, anxiety and depression will become more pronounced, and it may also be difficult to sleep or to function effectively in one’s day-to-day. This is when a victim is coming dangerously close to developing acute stress disorder and, eventually, PTSD. 

The Path to Recovery: Intentional Self-care 

Those who are lucky enough (albeit they may not feel “lucky” at first) to leave an abusive relationship generally have a lot of self-work to do in the aftermath. It is not uncommon to grieve the loss of their previous selves while grieving the loss of the relationship (even if it was a toxic one). There may also be significant tangible losses, including the loss of a job, home or other forms of property, or even financial stability. In most cases, victims feel as if they are starting over entirely. 

The good news is that it’s not only possible to rebuild what was lost in a physical sense, but it’s possible to thrive mentally and emotionally in the aftermath of abuse. This takes a conscious choice on the survivor’s part to make themselves a priority and engage in some much-needed self-care.  

Reintroducing activities that a person once enjoyed but may not have been able to do during the relationship can help reestablish pieces of self that were lost along the way. This will mean different things to different people, of course, and it may seem difficult at first to regain access to the person inside. Taking the time for in-depth self-reflection can bring forth ideas that aren’t readily available when trying to remember on the fly. A quiet, decluttered space, a favorite background song or scent, and a few uninterrupted moments can help summon lost memories and stir up ideas. 

A Solid Support System 

Support systems are often shattered when one is trapped in the clutches of a narcissist. Taking the time to rebuild meaningful relationships will help ensure a person is surrounded by the love and support they need as they emerge from this dark place. 

 It is important to note that it may be necessary to make amends with those who felt intentionally left behind during the storm, but many one-time victims have been amazed to find their loved ones are just waiting in the wings, having fully realized the gravity of the situation long before they did. 

Professional Help 

While regaining the love and support of a personal network is a vital step in the right direction, it may not be enough. A person may still be left with debilitating trauma symptoms that require professional treatment. Working with a therapist can help unlock lost portions of self and reconnect with these to heal sustainability. Some common interventions which address the most stubborn trauma symptoms include:  

1. Trauma-informed Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT). This approach seeks to identify, challenge, and eventually eliminate faulty thinking patterns and behaviors. It is perhaps the most common “frontline” approach to addressing trauma. Through TF-CBT, abuse survivors can also learn to establish healthy boundaries so they can avoid inviting in toxicity in the future, and they can build the resilience needed to find genuine happiness again. 

1. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This technique is used to engage both hemispheres of the brain at once to bring blocked trauma memories to the surface, reprocessing and reintegrating them. In doing so, this can lessen their impact and alleviate lingering psychosomatic symptoms.  

1. Somatic Therapy. Somatic therapy focuses on the connection between the mind and body, encouraging individuals through various techniques to release physical tension, discomfort and/or pain caused by trauma. 

1. Psychodynamic Therapy. Considered a deeper dive, this approach explores events that have occurred over one’s lifetime. These events may have led to core beliefs about self that make one especially vulnerable to toxic relationships. Reparenting one’s inner child is a common psychodynamic technique. 

There are many other approaches that can be used in the trauma healing process, and all of these can be used at once. It’s important to work alongside a professional and not attempt clinical interventions without therapeutic support.  

The Bottom Line 

It’s possible to heal sustainably in the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Doing so takes a determination to reconstruct a healthy sense of self from the inside out. Engaging in self-care and reinviting in lost supports can help jumpstart the healing process, while working with a licensed therapist can further this journey substantially.  

If you believe you are in a relationship with a narcissist, reach out for help, and make leaving a priority. There is no time like the present, and taking yourself out of the equation can help you regain much-needed peace and happiness. 

If you believe you have narcissistic personality disorder, therapy is a safe space for self-exploration. Schedule an appointment today to begin your journey towards a deeper self-understanding. 

*The terms in quotes used here to describe aspects of narcissistic abuse are not clinical terms associated with NPD. However, they are frequently used in various media and it’s important for those who suspect they are being abused to familiarize themselves with these terms. 

Some couples can divorce amicably, some can divorce bumpy but tolerably, and some go through what is societally called a “high conflict” divorce. According to divorcenet.com, high conflict is defined as “divorces where one or both spouses engage in negative behaviors to intentionally derail the process or inflict unnecessary emotional pain on one another.”  

However, if one spouse uses coercive tactics to gain prolonged power over their ex-spouse, “high conflict” may not be the correct labeling; it may be considered Post Separation Abuse. This is an emerging label in the mental health field and is becoming apparent in legal settings. 

What is Post Separation Abuse?

Post Separation Abuse is defined as the ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner including legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting and harassment and stalking (Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post- separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79, 1225–1246). 

Post Separation Abuse is considered intimate partner violence (IPV) and not only harms former spouses but shared children as well. Intimate partner violence can be defined as physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former intimate partner or spouse (National Institute of Justice). 

Some forms of Post Separation Abuse are: 

• Abusing the court system by filing frivolous motions. Abusive spouses are extremely litigious; filing motions at the drop of a hat to intimidate, coerce and harass their victim into relenting on an issue, or to make legal threats as a show of power. 
• Abusive spouses may seek a change in custody that realistically is unfeasible, just as a means of revenge and punishment to the victim. Either way, the victim is almost always left with legal fees, time off work, and emotional depletion to fight each battle.  

• Abusive spouses may delay child support payments or withhold payment for court ordered items such as extracurricular activities or health related issues to create hardship for the victim.  
• Abusive spouses often threaten and harass verbally, digitally, and physically to intimidate and demean their victim. Repeatedly sending disparaging emails, bullying texts, or physically making their presence known (standing in front of their partner at a baseball game) so their partner never feels safe are all signs of coercive tactics.  
• Abusive spouses may try and gain favor with others in the family or community by manipulating the narrative (gaslighting) in an attempt to make their victim look “crazy.”  
• Abusive spouses do not cooperatively and collaboratively co-parent. They will do the opposite or provide a separate set of rules for their home to undermine the victim’s values. 

High Conflict Divorce vs. Post Separation Abuse

What is the difference between high conflict divorce and Post Separation Abuse? High conflict often involves both partners challenging each other, fighting in court and out, with both being equally responsible for the conflict. Post Separation Abuse is often one partner using power and control to abuse the legal system, provide false narratives and destroy the victim who must always be on the defensive.  

Family court professionals and mental health professionals must work together to recognize the abusive patterns and provide safeguards to protect victims and their children. Common Post Separation Abuse patterns in family court look like: 

• Failure to pay child support or follow a court order.  
• Using manipulative, coercive control language and behavior to harm victim partner, not work collaboratively. 
• Frivolous motions filed. 
• History of domestic violence or coercive control in the marital relationship. 

According to the Washington University School of Law, “when the abuser takes the victim to court, often repeatedly, each encounter may traumatize her again. She is forced to defend herself against her abuser, appear in the same room with him, and listen to him accuse her of wrongdoing or inadequacy. Additionally, because the court system largely does not recognize or understand post-separation intimate and judicial terrorism, the very forum in which the victim seeks safety and justice may deny her both, retraumatizing her in yet another way.” 

Results of Post Separation Abuse

The emotional and physical consequence to the victim of Post Separation Abuse is traumatic and must be handled with care and compassion with the help of qualified law professionals, family, friends, and a licensed therapist who understands the coercive nature of this type of IPV.  

Often, victims feel: 

• Depleted emotionally and financially. 
• Stuck in this pattern. 
• Traumatized to make any decision. 
• Mistrusting and insecure of themselves and everyone around them. 
• Heartbroken for their children whom they share with an abusive ex. 
• Fearful of the next move their abusive ex may make. 
• Bombarded with negativity and unable to see the good in the world. 
• Misunderstood by family and friends. 

Divorce is difficult enough, without having to face abuse after separation, especially when children are involved. Post Separation Abuse is about coercive control and power over the victim, and is happening in courtrooms today.  

The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful to you to find a therapist if you have experienced a high conflict divorce or Post Separation Abuse. There are thousands of therapists listed who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

References:

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/6-strategies-for-surviving-a-high-conflict-divorce. 

Spearman, K. J., Hardesty, J. L., & Campbell, J. (2023). Post- separation abuse: A concept analysis. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 79, 1225–1246 https://doi. org/10.1111/jan.1531 

(n.d.). Overview of intimate partner violence. National Institute of Justice. https://nij.ojp.gov/topics/articles/overview-intimate-partner-violence#:~:text=Historically%20called%20%22domestic%20violence%2C%22,former%20intimate%20partner%20or%20spouse 

https://wustllawreview.org/2022/02/07/the-ex-factor-addressing-trauma-from-post-separation-domestic-violence-as-judicial-terrorism/#post-21195-footnote-31 

by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

Saint Patrick’s Day brings a barrage of green, four-leaf clovers, good-luck charms and wishes of good fortune. But many people, especially those who have a trauma background, feel like a dark cloud of misfortune follows them everywhere they go.

I can’t tell you how many times, in my work as a trauma therapist, I’ve heard a person say “I feel like I’m a magnet for bad things happening.” They describe a sense of beginning to get their lips above water when something terrible happens to knock them down again.

In some cases, they may actually be right. There has been some research to suggest that someone who has been traumatized is likely to be victimized again. A number of theories attempt to explain this phenomena, and while I want to explore a few here, I want to make it clear, first and foremost, that the intention of this article is not to blame victims of trauma. If there is abuse or perpetration, the accountability, responsibility, and fault always lies with the perpetrator. No one desires abuse. No one wants to be perpetrated upon. No one asks for it. The intention here is to both validate the experiences of people who have experienced trauma and explore the various explanations why some individuals seem to be unable to get out from under the “dark cloud” of trauma. [fat_widget_right]

The Cycle of Poverty

The first avenue I’d like to explore is the cycle of poverty. For those who struggle with the challenges that often accompany a lack of financial resources, the likelihood of being victimized is high. Living paycheck to paycheck, constantly uncertain of whether we will be able to afford groceries, heat our homes, or pay rent, threatens our sense of safety in the world. When we do not feel safe, when our basic needs are not met, it is extremely difficult to feel emotionally regulated. We may seek to numb emotional pain with substances, sex, gambling or self-harm. These methods of coping may, in turn, make it even more difficult to maintain a typical level of function.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire, a longitudinal, comprehensive study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, linked trauma in childhood with a host of problems, such as chronic health issues, addiction issues, relationship issues, and workplace issues (CDC, 2015). There is a strong correlation between poverty and trauma, and it can be difficult to see yourself as lucky or fortunate when you don’t know where your next meal is coming from.

Dissociation

When we experience trauma, we “check out” from the present moment to some degree, though some may check out more than others. Many people describe a feeling of floating above their bodies or watching themselves from far away. Some may experience feelings of fogginess, sleepiness, or even feel as if they’ve been drugged.

Dissociation leads us to another explanation of the “bad luck” many people with trauma backgrounds report (Sar, 2014). Often, people who have experienced trauma may dissociate to a point of not being able to read people’s nonverbal cues. They may not see, for example, the red flags of an abusive relationship until the abuse has already started. It’s often the case that they exist in survival mode, just getting through each moment without being able to see how actions and choices might affect their future. At times, dissociation can also prevent folks from being able to read people’s boundaries, which can result in relationship struggles and conflicts. They may even be less mindful of what they are doing with their bodies or their belongings, frequently leaving things behind or losing them.

The repetition of trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending.

Those with a trauma background are also more vulnerable to addiction, which can be considered another form of dissociation. In other words, they may be more likely to attempt to numb their pain with substances. The misfortune that accompanies the struggles of addiction are numerous: financial hardship, legal issues, failed relationships—these are all things people might call bad luck. Using substances to numb pain is one factor that can contribute to these struggles. Difficulty being mindful and an inability to organize thoughts and prioritize urgent matters are other factors that may occur with dissociation.

The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma

A third theory for why people with trauma tend to be re-victimized and end up experiencing even more trauma is based in Bessel Van der Kolk’s theory of the “compulsion to repeat the trauma” (van der Kolk, 1989). (I again want to state here how important it is to avoid blaming the victim.)

Human systems want health. When children experience trauma and have the opportunity to enter play therapy, they are likely to reenact the trauma with dolls or toys. They will reenact the trauma over and over again until Superman comes and rescues the victim or a lion comes and eats the perpetrator. At that point, we consider the trauma processed, at least for that developmental stage (children may experience a resurfacing of symptoms when they hit puberty or adulthood and need to process through the trauma again).

The repetition of the trauma seems to help our systems create a new and more empowered ending to the story. We do the same thing as adults—we just do it with our bodies. In other words, we may seek out relationships with people that subconsciously mirror our perpetrators to try to work out a happier, more resolved ending. The problem is, of course, we usually end up experiencing more abuse, more trauma, more bad fortune.

Our Brains Love a Story

Finally, there is just this simple fact: sometimes bad stuff happens—to everyone. Our brains function on stories. Our brains try to make sense of our world. If the story we tell ourselves is that we are unlucky and cursed, we may filter all of the things that happen to us to refine a narrative that fits that story (Brown, 2017).

For the most part, there is cause and effect in our lives. There are patterns to what we do and the lives we create. The belief that we have “bad luck” might in reality be a lack of understanding of these patterns. In order to address our trauma and dissociation and create lives of abundance, we may need professional support.

But we can also strive to remember that accidents happen. Bad things happen. If we walk around looking for evidence that we are unlucky, we are likely to find it, since our brains can filter the things that happen to us to fit our hypothesis.

I am not saying the previous theories should be discounted, because they do hold water. And again, no one asks to experience trauma or be victimized, and those who do experience traumatic experiences are not to blame for them. But the more we can own the paths we walk and the choices we can make, the more we will likely begin to see our own strength and power. We may, then, begin to realize there is no better way to good fortune than bravery and compassion, both for our paths and for our ability to sit with the whole truth.

References:

1. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). (2016, April 1). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html
2. Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to resent transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Random House.
3. Sar, V. (2014). The many faces of dissociation: Opportunities for innovative research in psychiatry. Clinical Psychopharmacology and Neuroscience, 12(3). 171-79. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4293161
4. van der Kolk, B. (1989). The compulsion to repeat the trauma. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12(2). 389-411.

You have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.

As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.

You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.

How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?

First, Know the Signs

I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.

• Isolation. A teen who is experiencing dating violence may suddenly begin to isolate from friends and family and only spend time with the person they are dating. They may cancel plans they have made because the abusive partner does not want them to attend the events. [fat_widget_right]
• Excessive texts or phone calls. Abusive partners tend to want to know where their partner is at all times. They may call and text excessively and/or demand to be informed of their partner’s whereabouts at all times. Your teen might seem stressed about having to respond to them and/or afraid of missing a call.
• Unexplained bruises/marks. Someone experiencing dating violence may have unexplained bruises and become nervous when asked about bruises or marks on their bodies. They may give different stories for the same mark or may become upset or defensive when asked about it.
• Excusing inappropriate behavior. Teens who feel ready for love and want their romantic relationships to work out may make excuses for the inappropriate or abusive behavior of their partner. For example, a teen might say their partner only called 20 times because they were worried, or that their partner only puts them down so they can learn from their mistakes and become better people.
• Having to ask for permission. A partner who is abusive typically wants to exert control. They may require the person they are dating to ask for permission before wearing certain clothes, talking to certain people, going out, and so on. The person experiencing the abuse may be frequently checking in with their partner, asking if they can engage in certain activities, such as going to the movies, going out to dinner with a group of friends, wearing shorts, and so on.

Discussing Your Concerns with Your Teen 

Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.

It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.

• DO ask questions about their relationship with genuine concern. Allow for discussion and conversation to flow.
• DON’T interrupt when they are speaking or do the majority of the talking.
• DO listen to how they answer your questions. Ask for their thoughts on the behaviors you have pointed out to them.
• DON’T shame them for not recognizing abusive behavior.
• DO gently educate them on what a respectful romantic relationship does and does not look like.
• DO give them time to think about the conversation, letting them know you are always available to talk or offer support. Let them know you will help them find a therapist or counselor if they want to talk to a trained mental health professional.
• DO ask (no matter how difficult it may be) if they have been coerced to engage in sexual activities they did not intend to engage in or if they have been physically or sexually harmed by their partner or at the request of their partner.
• DO remind them that their safety is the most important thing to you.

Create a Safety Plan

Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.

1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.

California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.

Text TEEN to 839-863

2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.

Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.

3. Identify when to call 911.

Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.

4. Connect them with a neutral source of support. 

If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.

Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!

References:

1. 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
2. How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
3. Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid

Domestic abuse/violence, also known as intimate partner abuse/violence, is not a new phenomenon. We’ve studied families whose relationships include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and/or physical aggressiveness, and those where factors such as addiction, alcoholism, and other struggles are also present.

While some people may be under the impression that urban living and low socioeconomic status are the sources of domestic violence, or that IPV only occurs among certain populations, the truth is that domestic violence occurs across the entire spectrum of wealth and social status.

When we see wealthy families in the media, on television shows such as Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or Keeping up with the Kardashians, we may come away envying their wealth and possessions. Many of those families, and others not portrayed on television, may, however, often feel at odds with how they can have an internal experience that matches their outside environment. They may feel pressure to maintain a public face of contentment with their position and wealth, no matter the turmoil they experience privately. Wealth does not solve all of a person’s problems, and no matter a person’s means (or lack thereof), they may still experience mental health concerns, emotional struggles, family troubles, and any number of other life challenges.

Consider the following statistics about domestic violence:

• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some type of violence from an intimate partner. [fat_widget_right]
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced severe violence from an intimate partner.
• More than 20,000 phone calls about domestic abuse are made to crisis hotlines in the United States each day.
• The presence of a gun in an instance of IPV increases the likelihood of homicide by 500%.
• 19% of all incidents involve a weapon.
• 1 in 3 victims of IPV are male.

Challenges to Seeking Help in Affluent Populations

Highly educated, high-income individuals may experience additional barriers when attempting to seek help for domestic violence within their partnership or family. Affluent individuals may be more likely to have power and influence, maintain their privacy, and live in isolated or remote locations, though of course this is not always the case. While these may be considered protective factors in some instances, they can also make it more difficult for victims (partners or children) to seek help. When a partner who is abusive has the means to keep a partner, children, or other family members isolated, as well as power and influence, the victim may feel powerless to seek help and fear they will not be believed if they report abuse. They may fear further emotional or physical abuse, or, when children are involved, the possibility of losing their children. If the partner who is abusive fears ruin should the abuse come to light, there may be the potential for greater harm.

Among women who have been highly educated and women who earn high incomes, there is also often a great deal of self-judgment and self-blame for becoming victims. Many women may feel they somehow should have known better than to put themselves into an abusive situation and may be reluctant to seek help out of embarrassment or shame.  This is another barrier to obtaining help and support. Some individuals may find it easier to deny the abuse in order to better cope with it. The thought of leaving, of seeing an attorney and ending the marriage, may be frightening, and some may find it too overwhelming or difficult to contemplate.

For many people, the words “domestic violence” bring to mind a situation in which a man abuses a woman. But abuse also occurs in LGBTQ+ families and relationships, and individuals of any gender may be abusive or experience abuse. In situations where a man experiences abuse, he may feel ashamed or fear losing his credibility and status, due to heteronormative ideals and gender role stereotypes. Some men may feel greatly ashamed of being victimized and avoid disclosing abuse and seeking help as a result.

While it bears repeating that abuse occurs in families of all income levels, it is also true that abusive individuals who wield a great deal of influence and power may readily go to great lengths to make it difficult for a person to leave. A situation also becomes infinitely more complex when children are involved.

Domestic violence in affluent families often extends beyond an emotional component and revolves around financial control and power, which can be utilized to hurt and control a partner and children. Domestic violence in affluent families often extends beyond an emotional component and revolves around financial control and power, which can be utilized to hurt and control a partner and children. If those experiencing the abuse were to bring it to light, the abusive partner could potentially lose their political, corporate, social, or financial status, as well as their family. Because a partner who is abusive is not likely to desire any of these outcomes, they may do whatever possible to keep their family under their control.

The fear of losing everything may go both ways, though. A partner who takes steps to escape abuse and an abusive partner also stands to lose in all those areas. For some, the risk may be too great, and they may remain in an abusive relationship, hoping their partner will eventually improve, change, or stop the cycle of abuse altogether.

Getting Help After Intimate Partner Abuse

When a partnership or family relationship is characterized by violence, battery, or other assault, the first concern should always be the safety of those who have experienced abuse. CPS, police, and other authorities may need to be involved to help survivors safely leave the home. Mental health professionals who have been informed about intimate partner abuse should take steps to assist the survivor in formulating an exit strategy and plans to get to safety with their children. This process must be confidential and anonymous, as statistics show 75% of IPV victims killed by an abusive partner are killed after they leave the abusive environment.

It may be hard to ask for help if you have experienced, or are currently experiencing, abuse from your partner. The first step is to tell someone. Whether you call a crisis hotline and share details of your situation anonymously, or confide in a parent, spiritual leader, mentor, or trusted coworker or friend, this step helps break down the barrier of silence many survivors of abuse feel trapped behind. By calling a crisis hotline, you can also learn about resources available to you. If you are injured or have a medical emergency, it may be best to call 911 or local law enforcement.

If you feel a friend or family member may be experiencing abuse, or you see something, I encourage you to say something. It may be best to let them know, privately, that you are there to listen if they need support or help. A simple show of support may help the person experiencing abuse feel safe enough to share. Nobody should have to live with this trauma and fear, but it may take you letting your loved one know you support them unconditionally to break the silence.

Is It Possible to Treat Intimate Partner Abuse?

I believe, in some cases, when a person who is abusive or controlling recognizes this fact and wants to change, it is possible for that individual to learn to address what has led them to be abusive and overcome it. Even if it is not possible for the relationship in which the abuse has occurred to continue, a person who was abusive may learn to avoid acts of abuse or violence in the future.

There are many factors that lead a person to commit acts of abuse, though none of these ever excuse the fact of the abuse occurring. Some people who abuse their partners may, as a result of childhood experiences, other history, or some other reason, may feel frustration and fear over the idea of losing their partner and so attempt to exert control. Individuals who come from abusive families may have learned abuse growing up. When they realize the source, they may be able to address it and learn to address their feelings and frustrations in loving, caring ways.

The fact that abuse is so often hidden and goes undiscussed among affluent individuals can make it harder to address and treat the causes of abuse. Those who are wealthy or have high social status may find it harder to access resources, or fear being met with disbelief if they attempt to seek help.

But I believe it is possible for some relationships that have been characterized by abuse to experience some level of healing and growth through therapy—though this does not always lead to a continuation of the relationship. Emotionally focused therapy, a therapeutic intervention designed to address distress in adult relationships, offers techniques for couples to learn how to address relationship conflict. Violence, however, is a contraindication for this approach—the tools utilized are considered to be ineffective when violence is present because the aggression and violence must be addressed first.

When I work with couples, I try to help them identify the loving feelings they have for one another and teach them to see their partner as a person they have chosen and want to be close to, a person whose happiness is important to them. I believe it is possible for people who have engaged in acts of abuse in the past to learn to work with their partner in healthy ways by learning how to communicate their attachment needs and how to heal and repair any damage or trauma in their past that may have led to the development of abusive or violent tendencies.

However, even when a partner who has been abusive is able to stop being abusive, under no circumstances should a partner who has been abused be encouraged to return to that relationship if they choose not to do so. Safety is the primary consideration, and those who have experienced abuse may never feel safe with a partner who has acted in abusive or violent ways. This decision must always be respected by all involved. 

If both partners feel safe and wish to work to repair a relationship in which abuse has occurred, relationship counselors can work with both partners, individually and together, to develop tools for safety, communication, and conflict resolution. Some individuals may find feelings of violence and aggression dissolve, significantly or even entirely, once they address past traumatic experiences. Others may experience the same effect when they work through concerns over losing a partner. However, this is not true for all situations, and moving forward in therapy may be at the discretion of the couple and the therapist working with them. Many therapists do not advise relationship counseling in some instances of IPV or domestic abuse but instead strongly encourage the partner who experienced the abuse to seek help and formulate a safety plan.

Therapy may progress slowly, as the therapist works to help the couple understand the basis of the abuse or the fear of losing one’s partner, and that abusive acts can be extreme manifestations of this fear and emotion. Some people who have not developed helpful or productive ways of addressing these emotions may resort to aggressive or violent tactics, simply out of being unable to deal with their feelings. I believe that most people do not truly want to hurt those they love, and that when a person is willing to change, they are able to do so, through extensive work on a personal level and in therapy.

Discussion about domestic violence has increased in recent years. In fact, October is dedicated to the awareness of domestic violence and intimate partner abuse. As a couples counselor, I work to address issues that may not be as readily discussed, such as abuse among affluent individuals. If you live in an abusive situation, I encourage you to reach out for help, even if you fear you may not be believed. A compassionate and qualified counselor will offer empathy and support and help you locate resources and assistance, no matter your status or situation.

References: 

1. Domestic violence in affluent marriages. (2016, March 9). Retrieved from https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/domestic-violence-in-affluent-marriages#.Wfje-2hSzIU
2. King, J. (n.d.). 5 challenges of wealthy abused women. Retrieved from http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/tiffanys_abuse_264.php
3. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. (2015). Domestic violence national statistics. Retrieved from https://ncadv.org/assets/2497/domestic_violence.pdf
4. What is domestic violence? (2016). Domestic Violence Roundtable. Retrieved from http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org