I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

This blog is for all of you that have a complicated relationship with aging. As I type, I realize that statement is silly because we all do (right?)! None of us likes to come face to face with the reality that we’re slowing down. Whether it’s mental sharpness and memory, or physical strength and balance, aging gracefully with wisdom requires acknowledging these natural changes while discovering the profound gifts that come with each passing year.

It may mean dealing with disease or disability. After all, who wants to wake up with back pain or soreness in joints? None of us wants to take endless visits to doctors to deal with organs that worked just fine a few short years ago! It’s also difficult to give up meaningful activities because we can no longer physically or mentally enjoy them.

The Reality of Physical Changes: Accepting What We Cannot Control

So how are we to approach this inevitable truth in life? We all deal with aging gracefully with wisdom in one way or another, whether you’re in your 40’s or in your 80’s. My personal “go to” is complaining (to anyone who’ll listen) that I can’t run like I used to. I imagined being one of those older guys that runs ultramarathons all around the country. Apparently, my body didn’t agree with this plan. What have you had to give up?

According to research published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, life transitions, including aging, are associated with increased psychological distress, even when the changes themselves aren’t inherently negative. This means that even positive aspects of aging can feel uncomfortable at first.

The Unexpected Gifts of Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Fortunately, getting older has its advantages as well. Aging is more than just physical change or the passage of time. As we age, we experience life. We can be more mindful of the positive changes that come along with aging gracefully with wisdom, the most obvious being that it beats the alternative (attempt at a little humor there)! Humor aside, consider these profound positives of aging:

1. Wisdom: The Pearl Beyond Price

With life experience comes wisdom. The National Institute on Aging research indicates that older adults often develop enhanced emotional regulation and improved decision-making capabilities. Maybe to be more present, maybe to prioritize or focus on important activities or relationships, or to appreciate small things.

As noted by Jean Shinoda Bolen in her work on aging and spirituality, wisdom represents the culmination of lived experience, bringing with it an inner directedness and self-acceptance that younger years simply cannot provide.

2. Let Go: Freedom from Others’ Opinions

We can let go of what others think. As a young person we spend so much time trying to impress everyone. With age, it’s nice to take this off our plate. Work from the MacArthur network emphasized factors that help people maintain good mental and physical functioning into old age.

3. Deeper Faith: Spiritual Growth and Discovery

Along with wisdom, perspective, and experience comes our desire to know “who” we are. We question and explore our “why” which leads down the road of spiritual discovery and deeper faith. Research published in the journal Psychology and Aging demonstrates that spirituality often increases with age and serves as a powerful protective factor for mental health.

According to a comprehensive study cited in AARP Magazine, 80% of adults report that spirituality became more important over the course of their lives. This isn’t about fear, it’s about finally having the time, perspective, and emotional maturity to explore life’s deepest questions.

4. More Freedom: Time Becomes Yours

We tend to have more freedom (time and hopefully finances) when we are older. The post-retirement years offer opportunities many younger people can only dream about: traveling, pursuing hobbies, volunteering, or simply enjoying unhurried mornings with a good book.

5. Less Responsibility: A Lighter Load

We also tend to have more time to do things we want to do, spend time with people we care about, volunteer, and enjoy the newfound wisdom. The demands of career-building and child-rearing have eased, creating space for activities that truly fulfill us.

6. Deeper Relationships: Quality Over Quantity

With age, we tend to have longer, deeper relationships. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, conclusively demonstrates that the quality of our relationships is the strongest predictor of life satisfaction and longevity. As we age, we naturally prune superficial connections and invest in relationships that truly matter.

Overcoming the Challenges: When Aging Gracefully with Wisdom Feels Hard

Despite these advantages, aging can feel overwhelming at times. You might be dealing with chronic pain, mobility limitations, or cognitive changes that challenge your sense of self. According to Geriatric Mental Health Care expert Gary J. Kennedy, MD, “the continuance of wellbeing into late age depends on the life pattern of each person,” meaning that acceptance of aging, rather than fighting it, correlates with better outcomes.

The key is reframing our relationship with aging. Research from How We Die by Anne Karpf reveals that ageism itself creates self-fulfilling prophecies. In cultures where aging is respected and valued, older adults perform better on cognitive tests and report higher life satisfaction than in cultures that devalue age.

The Power of Prayer and Faith in Later Life

Most importantly, no matter how we feel, we can always pray. If you ever feel weak or find yourself struggling for purpose, reflect on James 5:13-18 and remember the power of prayer. Sometimes, quieting life allows us to do what matters most.

Prayer and spirituality serve as powerful coping mechanisms during life’s transitions. A 2010 pilot study on spirituality-based interventions for generalized anxiety disorder found significant reductions in both psychic and somatic symptoms.

According to the APA, approximately 49% of U.S. adults reported praying about health. While the scientific community debates the mechanisms, what’s clear is that for those with faith, prayer provides comfort, connection, and a sense of meaning that supports aging gracefully with wisdom.

You’re Never Too Old for Growth and Change

One of the most empowering truths about aging is that you’re never too old to benefit from personal growth, therapy, or self-discovery. Research consistently shows that older adults can and do change, often with greater success than younger individuals because they bring decades of self-knowledge to the process.

Until you take your last breath, you are capable of change. Cognitive, emotional, and behavioral shifts are all still within your grasp, maybe even more so than when you were younger.

Moving Forward: Practical Steps for Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Here are evidence-based strategies to help you embrace aging with grace:

Stay Physically Active: Even gentle movement like walking, yoga, or swimming supports both physical and mental health. The CDC recommends 150 minutes of moderate activity weekly for older adults.

Nurture Relationships: Invest in meaningful connections. The Harvard Study of Adult Development proves that relationship quality matters more than any other factor for happiness and longevity.

Challenge Your Mind: Engage in mentally stimulating activities. Learn a new language, take up a musical instrument, or tackle crossword puzzles regularly.

Cultivate Spirituality: Whether through organized religion, meditation, nature connection, or prayer, nurturing your spiritual life provides meaning and resilience. Explore our resource on why we value religion more as we age.

Practice Gratitude: Research shows that gratitude practices reduce depression and increase life satisfaction at any age.

Seek Support When Needed: There’s no shame in asking for help, whether from healthcare providers, therapists, or community resources.

Conclusion: Embracing Your Journey of Aging Gracefully with Wisdom

Aging is not a problem to solve, it’s a journey to embrace. While the physical changes may challenge us, the gifts of wisdom, deeper faith, meaningful relationships, and hard-won perspective make life richer than ever before.

As you navigate this chapter of life, remember that you’re not alone. Millions of people are discovering that aging gracefully with wisdom isn’t about denying change, it’s about embracing the fullness of who you’ve become and who you’re still becoming.

Pray on, stay connected, and remember: every day is an opportunity to grow, love, and live with purpose.

Have you noticed a general unease, anxiety, or agitation as you move through your days, with sudden bursts of more extreme rage or anxiety when certain things don’t go your way?  Do you notice a frequent feeling of depression and despair when you think about how your life is going?  Does every day feel like you’re walking through mud or as if nothing feels good enough?

There may be a variety of causes for these feelings, but I want to focus specifically on one cause that plagues many of us: the war we are waging against reality. To put it another way, we may have certain pictures in our minds of how we think life should look and cannot accept when those pictures do not correspond to what life really is shaping out to be. In this article, I want to help you identify if you are indeed waging such a war and (if so) how you can find peace by accepting yourself and your life as is.

Why Do We Wage War with Reality?

One of the most difficult aspects of life for human beings is our lack of control. It is often the cause of a tremendous amount of anxiety, and many of us unconsciously spend a great deal of energy developing strategies to attempt to establish control or convince ourselves that we can control life. When things in life go in certain ways that demonstrate our lack of control, it can be quite unnerving. If you experienced pain as a child, when a lack of control is quite evident, unnerving events now may feel especially threatening. [fat_widget_right]

If this resonates for you, you may be unconsciously fighting against reality. Other signs might include frequent agitation and anxiety or rage when things happen that you don’t want to happen. This can range from spilling something on the floor, to traffic, to not performing the way you want, to feeling frequently agitated by the people in your lives. And if these intense emotional reactions are due to particular events, they may be evoking memories of injuries you may have sustained as a child.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance describes the act of embracing, with your entire being, what is happening now. It is accepting that you cannot control others. It means accepting yourself as you are, no matter who that person is. Radical acceptance means removing the additional layer of reactions to the things that are happening that you do not like.

Accepting that you are not in control takes a lot of practice! It helps to remember you don’t have to like what is happening. In fact, radical acceptance does not mean you resign yourself to injustice or harm. What it does mean is accepting what is happening in order to take action appropriately and effectively.

Fighting against reality, whatever is actually occurring in every given moment, can be the source of significant pain, but the thought of not fighting can be even more frightening. By not fighting, you have to accept that you are not in control.

When you accept life, you will find that you can choose how to respond to it rather than feel imprisoned by it, and this, in turn, may help you find a connection to joy.

Here are a few ways to start down the road to radical acceptance:

1. Build your awareness. Start to observe your own reactions to life’s twists and turns as much as possible. Examine which kinds of twists and turns in particular get to you. How do you typically react? Building awareness in and of itself is an act of acceptance because it is separate from judgment and reaction.
2. Practice watching your breath. You don’t need a meditation practice to watch your breath. Whenever you feel a reaction coming on, take several deep breaths into your belly, as many as you can until your reaction subsides. This and awareness are the seeds of radical acceptance.
3. Work with your thoughts. As you build your awareness, you will notice your reactive thoughts take a certain form: “This sucks!” “I hate this!” “Why is this happening to me?” “Why do bad things always happen?” Once you can identify those thoughts, you can work with them by counteracting them. You can challenge those thoughts by refuting them in your own mind: “Actually, bad things don’t always happen to me.” “Yes, I don’t like this, but it’s okay. I can deal with it.”

These are some of the basic but surprisingly difficult ways to develop radical acceptance. If you dedicate to these practices, you may find it easier to shift the way you relate to life and that, by doing so, you find more peace and joy in life.

If you find the practice of radical acceptance to be challenging, a mental health professional can offer support and guidance. I wish you the best in your pursuit.

We’ve probably all had this experience: Life is rippling along like a sweet summer brook, and then a sudden storm of change shows up and disrupts the serenity. Old enemies we think we’ve defeated—fear and insecurity, for example—return, throwing us off kilter. Our minds frantically try to find a solution to “fix” the issue, the challenge, the perceived problem, adding to our internal chaos.

How do we stay calm, cool, and collected when we find the world around us has become chaotic and out of control? How do we learn to stare down any situation with inner peace and an ability to remain tranquil?

Build an Inner Sanctuary

One of the first things we can do when attempting to navigate a bumpy crossroads is build an inner place of peace. Taking time to cultivate a practice of quiet breathing and sitting still for long enough to feel a sense of sacred space within can offer significant benefit in times of turmoil and stress. Our subtle energies are just as essential to our well-being as activities such as eating, sleeping, and exercising are. [fat_widget_right]

Modern society often yanks at our attention, conning us into thinking it’s critical to answer emails or respond to social media posts and messages immediately and that these activities would serve us better than shutting our devices down and making time to go within ourselves. However, taking a break from mental and physical demands for even 15 to 20 minutes a day can help re-establish a sense of internal balance, renewing our relationship with ourselves and helping us reconnect. We make sure to spend time with our loved ones, so why do we neglect developing a relationship with ourselves?

Let Go of Judgment

Instead of judging ourselves and our emotions, we can work to accept them by recognizing them for what they are instead of viewing them as the sum of us. We are not the valleys and peaks, but the steady soil that lies underneath, supporting each shift in the topography.

We make sure to spend time with our loved ones, so why do we neglect developing a relationship with ourselves?

When we stop condemning ourselves and begin to understand we are loved and supported by the universe, fear often subsides, allowing us to keep a clear mind and make decisions both healthy and in our best interest. Living in a constant state of emotional mayhem is exhausting and can contribute to the confusion we are often more likely to experience during difficult times in our lives.

Examine emotions directly, then step back and take a moment to breathe and settle in before succumbing to anger or fear. It’s not that we should never feel these emotions, but rather that we must learn to respond to them differently. Letting go of judgment helps us become more of a witness to an experience than an active participant in the drama of challenging events.

Be Aware of Thoughts to Create Change

We might feel we have no control over our thinking but in actuality, we do. Even those diagnosed with an obsessive-compulsive disorder can often learn, with positive behavior modification and therapy, to embrace thought patterns and harness healthy thinking. By loving ourselves and letting go of the inner critic, we can learn to sweep away the stories that keep us feeling powerless.

How do we do this? How do we change our thoughts? It’s possible by being aware of them, realizing many of them stem from fear and insecurity, and replacing these feelings with understanding, kindness, or love. Remember Henny Penny, the chicken who ran around screaming, “The sky is falling” when in reality it wasn’t? When we choose to focus on the here and now, instead of fearing what may be, we are likely to feel re-rooted in what is real, not what is projected.

The only person or thing we can control is our own self. We are not able to stop a jealous sister or brother or friend from snarling at us, but we can choose to not respond or to calmly have a discussion with them. When a car cuts us off on the freeway or a stranger hurls a sarcastic remark at us, we can practice loving-kindness to maintain a calm interior and avoid engaging in the same behavior.

Acceptance does not come naturally to most of us. It takes practice. However, it can be learned and, if implemented, is likely to become a beneficial habit. If we let others govern our thoughts and choices, we will be pulled and splintered. Realizing no one can push us off balance without our permission helps us understand the only way we can “fix” a situation is by accepting it.

That does not mean we have to put up with abusive behavior, it simply means we understand it is the person who is abusive, not us, who has the problem. Acceptance stops us from being judgmental over incidentals and things we have no control over—bad weather, inconveniences, a disgruntled person. We can choose to be happy and uplifting despite rain, a missed bus, or grumpy behavior.

Life is dynamic and ever-changing. Events both good and bad are likely to hurtle toward us without a moment’s notice. We may be sailing smoothly along when suddenly we are thrown into a hurricane of sick loved ones, personal illness, financial troubles, and so on. But when we realize we can build a sacred space within and find safe harbor from which to watch the storm pass, we may be able to find peace and harmony, no matter the circumstances.

Tara Brach, PhD, clinical psychologist and peace activist, is one of the most widely respected teachers of Buddhist meditation and spiritual awakening. Her teachings, which blend Western psychology with Eastern spiritual practices, focus on careful attention to inner life and compassionate engagement with the world. The result is a distinctive voice in Western Buddhism that encourages people to mindfully approach freedom from suffering as individuals and societies.

The founder and senior teacher of the Insight Meditation Community of Washington DC, Tara focuses on bringing practices of mindfulness to prisons and schools as well as issues of diversity, peace, and environmental sustainability. Tara teaches Buddhist meditation at several centers in the US and Canada, including Spirit Rock Meditation Center in California, the Kripalu Center, and the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies. She also helped create the Washington Buddhist Peace Fellowship. In addition to numerous articles, videos, and recorded talks, Tara is the author of the books Radical Acceptance, published in 2003 and True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart.

In an exclusive interview with CEO and founder of GoodTherapy.org, Noah Rubinstein, marriage and family therapist, Tara shares her inspiration for Radical Acceptance and True Refuge and discusses how Buddhist teachings have helped her as both an individual and mental health professional. [fat_widget_right]

For your new book, why the title True Refuge? [W]ho did you have in mind when you wrote it?

I love the language of True Refuge because it feels like this reality that each of us has this longing to be at home in our bodies, our hearts, with each other, and in the world. We’re seeking that sense of belonging. We come into this world, and there’s a lot of uncertainty. I think about William James, who wrote that every religion starts with the cry “help.” [O]n some level, we get we’re mortal, so something in us wants to find some way to be at peace. True Refuge refers to that experience where we’re not holding on to substitutes or numbing ourselves, we’re entering reality in a way that allows us to truly find a sense of harmony.

You were talking about different cries for help that cause people to look for refuge, and I think people would be interested to know what your cry for help was, how that brought you to this work, and influenced your awareness and growth.

Well, the cry for help that got me to write Radical Acceptance was this realization. I had it when I was camping with an older, wiser friend. But my friend said, “You know, I’ve learned to be my own best friend,” and I realized I was the furthest thing from that—I was at war with myself. I have discovered it’s probably the most pervasive suffering we Westerners have, sensing something’s wrong with us. That in some way we’re deficient. And writing Radical Acceptance was from what I was learning working with myself and others about how to trust our basic goodness, and stop being at war with the natural ways our egos express themselves.

The second was not long ago, when I got diagnosed with a genetic disorder that affects mobility and connective tissue. I went from being athletic and loving being outside, to not being able to swim anymore, to run, walk up inclines. I particularly remember one incident, when friends and family went to the beach without me because I couldn’t walk on sand, and it was one moment where I could feel the loss of everything I was loving, and there was that cry “Help, may I love this life no matter what? May I find refuge that can allow me to be with this world no matter what happens?” And that was the beginning of True Refuge, finding my way to a sense of being that is timeless, that doesn’t depend on being able to swim in the ocean.

True Refuge refers to that experience where we’re not holding on to substitutes or numbing ourselves, we’re entering reality in a way that allows us to truly find a sense of harmony.

I appreciate you telling that story about losing your mobility. I love that you walked away from this wanting to love life no matter what. [W]hen you talk about the heartache and loss people go through, how can anyone in those situations love their life no matter what? Is there a way to sum up how you do that?

I want to deepen the word “love.” The feeling is not joyful celebration in the beauty of life in that moment. It could be a feeling of the most profound heartbreaking compassion, like holding with infinite tenderness the pain and grief that’s here. [L]oving life no matter what doesn’t mean we don’t truly grieve. It means we stay open to that grieving process, and in that openness, we sense something timeless.

That’s what True Refuge is. It’s beyond our ego self, beyond the emotions. It’s that space of awakeness, tenderness, and openness that might be described as spirit. But the truth is, we lose everything, and we know that. We can celebrate the mystery that’s here, without having it stay the same in a way that keeps us secure.

I guess this makes me wonder how some of these issues are addressed in True Refuge.

[W]e all have different versions of feeling disconnected. And some people feel disconnection because their bodies are sick, there’s a sense of losing connection with living. And for some, the sense of what’s going on has to do with depression or anxiety, feeling disconnected because they’re caught in fear. So, how do we come back to a sense of connection?

[T]he book offers what I call “perennial teachings,” which you find in spiritual traditions that have to do with “Who are we really?” [H]ow do we go beyond that sense of a deficient self and realize more of that love and awareness that expresses our wholeness? And the book has three gateways to a feeling of wholeness, and they each include contemplative practices that help wake us up. And one of them I call “truth,” the gateway of presence, that we learn how to contact the present moment. [T]he second archetypal gateway is love, that we discover what allows us to feel loving connection with each other and our own aliveness. And the third gateway is awareness, which is formless, pure consciousness. It’s always here, but we get so caught in our plans and worries, we forget the stillness that’s aware of sensation. So, these three gateways have different trainings that help us wake up to them. They’re completely interdependent and very practical.

[I]n chapter one of Radical Acceptance, you describe your ambition to become wiser and free, and how when you would ask your teacher, “What else can I do?” it would lead to your teacher telling you to relax. And it makes sense that giving up on becoming enlightened can lead to enlightenment, but how does one become spiritually enlightened without trying?

I love that question because in spiritual communities, one of the deepest inquiries is “What does it mean to make a wise effort?” I went into spiritual life in a competitive, achievement-oriented context, and it took a while to loosen up on that. But it takes a sincere longing to be who we are. It catalyzes us and keeps us moving when it’s difficult, in contrast to the kind of striving that says, “Something’s wrong with me,” which never works.

I’ll share the story of the Buddha’s most devoted disciple, Ananda. Ananda worked strenuously at becoming enlightened. [A]fter the Buddha dies, there’s this council of enlightened monks planning to hold council, but Ananda is not allowed to come because he hasn’t been enlightened. So, he decides the night before he’s going to practice vigorously. But in spite of his efforts, he makes no progress because he’s striving. [B]efore dawn, he’s exhausted. He decides to let go and relax, and as he lies back, he becomes liberated.

[T]he moral of the story is not simply lying back and resting, because he had to spend decades training. [H]e was very awake in many ways, but the final step was to let go of striving. I think we commit to training our attention because neuroscience is telling us we have neuroplasticity. We can create fresh pathways in our brain that lead to peace, happiness, and freedom. [T]he ultimate realization comes when we relax back into what we already are, not when we try to be different.

[L]oving life no matter what doesn’t mean we don’t truly grieve. It means we stay open to that grieving process, and in that openness, we sense something timeless.

I’m wondering what you think needs to change socially, culturally, or internally that would encourage seekers and non-seekers to stop looking for redemption outside of themselves, to be okay with who they are?

[W]hen I do a workshop on Radical Acceptance, I say, “Well, what stops you from accepting yourself as you are?” The most common response is fear that if I accept myself, I’ll never change. In fact, maybe I’ll get worse, be stuck being a defective, deficient self, and never be happy. [T]here’s this belief I need to be different to be loved. I think for most of us, the healing work has to do with seeing the belief we’re carrying about ourselves that something’s wrong, and to hold that pain with compassion. And we start getting how many life moments we’ve been deprived of because we believed something was wrong. We start sensing who we are beyond that.

[I]t reminds me of what I love most about psychotherapy, the moment somebody shines their own light of self-compassion on part of themselves they used to not like, and how healing it is to get that from one’s self. [O]ne of my teachers, Dick Schwartz, has said if you put aside judgment and witness a part of yourself with curiosity, you’ll discover the part has a positive intention. [R]egardless of the damage the part is causing, it’s been trying to help. I’m wondering in your work going to these deep places with others, if you’ve found all parts are fundamentally good in that sense?

I think Dick is right. The most basic equipment of our survival system—fight, flight, freeze—is so we can flourish, even when the parts get twisted. So rather than putting up boundaries when we need to, we’re constantly defending.

[I]n Radical Acceptance, I told a story of one woman who had been sexually abused by her father, and as part of her therapy process, had a fantasy of being this young child in a closet calling for help, terrified, and needing protection. This fairy appeared and said, “I can’t right now take away the pain, but what I can do is help you not feel it until you’re able to re-digest it, and then respond in a way that’s helpful.” So she disconnected from her body, and ended up having an eating disorder and a hard time with intimacy, and remembering that story helped her realize her eating disorder and shutting people out were coping strategies that were the best she could do as a young child dealing with intolerable pain.

I feel recognizing the positive intention is an essential part of seeing the truth of how we respond to wounding, and instead of adding blame for the way we deal with it, holding it with compassion.

I’ve always been fascinated with the duality between being attached to something we love, and trying to find that detached place, in terms of the Buddhist way. I wonder if you have any thoughts about how we can love something so much and know it’s not permanent, that what we feel will change and be taken away.

It feels natural we are profoundly attached to the beings around us. I think of my son. I want things to be good for him, and when things aren’t going well, I get upset. [T]here’s attachment, and also a mindfulness that watches the attachment, that forgives it for being there. [I]t’s important to forgive, to have our hearts not hold onto blame for our humanness. And there are many moments when I can sense this light of spirit that shines through him, and something in me knows no matter what happens to his bodily being, there is this timeless connection and goodness that can’t die.