I have no statistical or empirical studies, just hundreds of cases I have experienced as a therapist where technology has and continues to affect relationships and the mental health of those who partake in it.  Our society is bombarded daily with ads for the latest smartphone.  Advertising depicts consumers using their cell phones for everything but calling people. In today’s generation, you have to text someone before you can have the audacity to call them without permission.  It’s almost impossible to purchase anything without having to take a picture of a QR code to get any information.  Then there is AI, Artificial Intelligence, prompting me every time I write an email, text, or letter to change what I’ve written because a robot can do a better job, and I have a Master’s Degree.  

No wonder, psychiatry.org reports in 2024, 43% of adults say they feel more anxious than they did the previous year, up from 37% in 2023 and 32% in 2022. Adults are particularly anxious about current events (70%) — especially the economy (77%), the 2024 U.S. election (73%), and gun violence (69%). (I did use technology to research these statistics).   

Relationships  

Couples that I treat complain their partner is constantly on their phone.  Go to any restaurant and you’ll see couples on a date night on their phones texting someone else besides their partner. Or scrolling through senseless videos of dogs jumping up and down. Then they go home and sit on separate ends of the couch getting ready for work the next day answering emails. What does this have to do with mental health? The couple is not communicating and the important household chores that have to get done get pushed to the side, increasing the levels of stress, loneliness, boredom, and depression.  

Instant Gratification 

In my practice, I treat betrayal trauma due to infidelity.  Treatment involves building trust back between partners.  One of my suggestions is to stay in touch more often during the day.  Take the case of William and Mary. Mary is a stay-at-home mom while William is the production manager of a local manufacturing plant. William is a busy guy, never knowing when some piece of equipment is going to go down and stop production.  But he promised Mary, he would call her periodically during the day. One day, Mary texts William because she hasn’t heard from him in the past 15 minutes.  William is having a crisis at work and can’t stop and text or call every 15 minutes. But Mary doesn’t agree.  “Why can’t you just text me that you don’t have time to text me?” 

We live in an instant gratification world and it’s all the smartphone’s fault. Partners complain if you don’t call me or text me back within five minutes, you must be fooling around with someone else.  We’re so used to getting information instantly on our phones that we forget people are busy at work and aren’t available 24/7/365.  Those that make themselves available 24/7 eventually burn out holding on to so much anger catering to everyone else’s timetable.  

Pornography 

According to Fight the New Drug.org, “most kids today are exposed to porn by age 13. 84.4% of males and 57% of females ages 14-18 have viewed porn. At least 1 in 3 porn videos show sexual violence or aggression. 53% of boys and 39% of girls believe pornography is a realistic depiction of sex. Yet, porn consumers tend to be less satisfied in relationships, less committed, and more permissive of cheating.” 

Think about this in terms of relationships. William’s porn use has escalated in recent years.  What used to be exciting is now boring, so he searches for something more stimulating, more taboo, or weirder, sometimes falling into illegal child porn. He spends so much time looking at porn that he loses interest in being intimate with his wife.  Studies show that hours of porn use and masturbation limit a man’s ability to perform sexually.   

William falls asleep one night after looking at hours of porn and Mary gets up, looks at his phone, and discovers hundreds of porn videos in his browser.  Then she checks his texts and sees he’s been sexting with several women, telling each one he loves them, just to keep the fantasy romance going. Mary is in shock, traumatized by the betrayal of the one person in the world she trusted most intimately.  Her world has fallen apart and she questions her sanity, asking, who is this person I married? 

Mary confronts William and William denies everything. He resents the fact that Mary keeps asking him all of these questions.  After all, all men look at porn and he’s not hurting anybody by just looking. “At least I’m not having a physical affair with anyone!” 

Mary questions herself.  Why does he have to look at those women when he has me?  I, Mary must not be as pretty, sexy, or lovable as those girls he’s looking at or sexing with. Because if I was, he wouldn’t need to look at all that filth or text other women.  What’s wrong with me, she asks? 

This scenario plays itself out daily in my office.  Whether you call it out-of-control sexual behavior or porn addiction, the pain caused by this use of technology is gut-wrenching for both partners.  The betraying partner is full of guilt, shame, and remorse once he sees what damage it has done to his partner.  The betrayed partner is so traumatized she cannot think straight, sleep well, or function to her full potential. My job as a therapist is just beginning, repairing the damage, building trust, and explaining the difference between addiction and choice.  

Technology has its advantages and disadvantages.  For some people who get hooked on the obsessive, compulsive aspects of technology, life can be a slippery slope of time wasted, poor communication, lack of intimacy, and a life of fantasy versus reality.  

 

Real Love and Social Media

Are you spending more time on your mobile device than the time you spend actually interacting with your partner or your spouse? Has your relationship taken a bad turn as you make choices between real love and social media? 

If so, you wouldn’t be alone

According to a recent report, 71 percent of individuals say they spend more time on their phones than they spend with their love interests, with 52 percent of individuals spending three or four more hours on their phones than with their partners every day

While smartphones and social media networks might not have had much of an impact on your life 10 years ago, chances are they do today. One study, for example, found that the average American clocks 5.4 hours of screen time on their mobile devices every single day. Further, the top 10 percent of heaviest mobile device users touch their phones nearly 5,500 times throughout the day! 

In large part, this addiction to technology is actually by design; researchers have found that social media networks, for example, are purposely built to keep you glued to the screen

Regardless, your significant other is unlikely to be too thrilled if they constantly see you staring at your screen when they’re trying to have a conversation. Unsurprisingly, research suggests that 43 percent of “heavy tech users” — those who spend between five and eight hours on their phones every day — have experienced relationship troubles, compared to 28 percent of those who are on their phones for less than an hour a day

If you’re spending too much time staring at your screens and your relationships are struggling because of it, the good news is all hope isn’t lost.  

By identifying the bad habits that are harming your relationship, swapping them out with good habits, and talking to a therapist if the problem persists, you can strengthen your relationships and find real love in our social media-driven world.  

Bad Habits with Social Media That Are Ruining Your Relationships 

In order to cut out bad habits from your day-to-day, you first need to identify what they are. If you’re racking up too much screen time when you’re with your partner or spouse, here are some of the habits that are almost certainly driving that behavior. 

‘Phubbing’ 

When you’re hanging out with your significant other and you suddenly decide to pick up your phone — consciously or otherwise — you’re guilty of behavior called “phubbing,” which is a portmanteau that combines phone and snubbing. 

Using your phone at the table 

Whether you’re eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner, meals are the perfect time to catch up with your partner and ask them how their day has been or what plans they have on tap for it. If you pick up your phone during the meal, chances are your loved one won’t be too thrilled. Plus, you’re liable to get all sorts of grease and other junk on your device. Yuck! 

Spying on old lovers and love interests 

Social media enables us to keep tabs on people from afar. In fact, a recent report found that 34 percent of individuals have stalked an ex or current love interest online. If you’re the type of person who’s guilty of this behavior, your partner won’t be too happy with you when they find out. 

Checking social media first thing in the morning and last thing at night 

Are you the type of person who checks social media before you say good morning to your spouse — and who checks it right before bed, too? If so, these habits can cause rifts in your relationship as your mind is elsewhere during the more intimate parts of the day

Of course, this list is by no means exhaustive. But it should give you a good idea of some of the more pervasive smartphone-induced bad habits that pull couples apart. 

What New Screen Time Habits Should You Introduce to Keep Relationships Alive? 

If too much screen time is ruining your relationships, ditch the above bad habits and replace them with some of these more wholesome ones. 

Delete your apps 

When too much screen time is getting in the way of your relationship, there’s an easy fix: delete the apps that are commandeering the bulk of your time. If you don’t have the apps on your phone in the first place, you’re much less likely to spend time on social media when you’re with your partner. 

Be more empathetic 

Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: How would you feel if your significant other picked up their phone in the middle of a conversation and started ignoring you? Chances are you wouldn’t be too happy. By trying to see things from your spouse’s perspective, it can become easier to ditch your phone when you’re together since you don’t want to hurt their feelings. 

Put your phone in the other room 

When you’re trying to have some quality alone time with your partner — whether you’re trying to cook a meal, watch some Netflix, or do a puzzle together — an easy way to make sure you don’t fall into the spell of social media is to simply put your phone in another room. When your phone is out of your arms’ reach, you can’t exactly pick it up mid-conversation. 

Get a real alarm clock 

According to a recent report, 83 percent of Americans use their phone as an alarm clock. If that describes you, consider buying an old-school alarm clock and moving your phone away from where you sleep. By doing so, you will eliminate the ability to read your phone first thing in the morning and right before you go to sleep. 

Still Struggling with Screen Time? Talk to a Therapist 

Depending on how bad your social media addiction is, ditching your bad habits and developing good ones might not be enough to help you break the cycle.  

If your situation is particularly difficult, you may want to talk to a therapist and try marriage counseling or couples counseling to overcome the social media-induced challenges you’re facing as a couple. The right therapist will be able to help you navigate your problems and figure out a solution that’s amicable to both you and your partner. 

Remember, social media is meant to be addicting. When your real relationships are suffering because of it, it’s time to find a therapist who can help you prioritize important relationships over screen time.

The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful for you. We have thousands of therapists listed with us who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today!

Here’s to breaking the cycle and build stronger, more resilient relationships because of it.

Recovery Treatment Centers (RTCs) provide addiction rehab. Use the GoodTherapy RTC Directory to find options for you.