GoodTherapy | Quick Ways to Manage Screen CompulsionAccording to William G Allyn, Professor of Medical Optics in Rochester University, “More than 50 percent of the cortex, the surface of the brain, is devoted to processing visual information.“ Vision is such a dynamic element that involves an interplay of our brains.  It involves half of our cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain, to ensure our vision.  For those who can see images through their eyes, our brain works within an extraordinarily complex relationship to ensure we understand what we see and perceive readiness to move accordingly if need be.  Our minds are primed for visual content as long as we are able to see.   

We absorb what our environment presents to us and formulate a cursory understanding of what we need to do.  However, some content on our screens hijacks that process and allows our body to flood with neurochemicals and respond by shifting away from the parasympathetic relaxed state to the sympathetic arousal state.  This content augments our understanding of our world and reshapes our associations around us to present a high-stress environment. If we have visual acuity, that is to say, if we are able to see with or without visual aids, we are susceptible to the content inundating our screens. 

What is Screen Addiction?

Dr. Ranjit Singh, a Department of Electronics Communication Engineer at Ajay Kumar Garg Engineering College, India, elucidates in his article, “Peris of Screen Addiction” (2022),  

“Screen addiction is similar to addiction to drugs, gambling, and alcoholism. It doesn’t injure health like alcohol, nevertheless its ‘toxicity’ affects sub-consciousness and relationship with the world.”   

He goes on to report,  

“Dopamine levels rise when we’re just about to find reward and diminish after we receive it. Resultantly, to get us to do anything, evolution uses this chemical process to induce anticipation, motivation, and pain alleviation. Based on this phenomenon, technology giants like Apple and Google spent decades commercializing our attention and advancing addictive design. When one is favored by luck, dopamine gets released. For example, look at the randomness of the Facebook feed. All social media apps today use “digital confetti” to give you what you want at random intervals. The power of the dopamine system is experienced by drug addicts and smokers. Habit-forming drugs affect the dopamine system by dispersing it more and more than usual. Overusage is end result of wanting more and more pleasure to feel normal.” 

A significant correlation emerged between depression, self-esteem, and internet addiction.” (Bahrainian, SA, 2014). A 2015 study of 319 university students at Süleyman Demirel University “revealed that the Smartphone Addiction Scale scores of females were significantly higher than those of males. Depression, anxiety, and daytime dysfunction scores were higher in the high smartphone use group than in the low smartphone use group. Positive correlations were found between the Smartphone Addiction Scale scores and depression levels, anxiety levels, and some sleep quality scores” (Demirci, K, et al, 2015). Another study performed in 2018 examining 5003 Korean adults aged 19-49 conducted by the Catholic University of Korea Identified, “Internet addiction (IA) and smartphone addiction (SA) exert significant effects on depression and anxiety…Another interesting finding was that SA exerted stronger effects on depression and anxiety than IA.

This leads us to speculate that IA and SA have different influences on mental health problems. (Kim, Y., et al, 2018).  Lastly, for the sake of a smaller section examining the influence of smartphone and internet addiction, a study of 1103 adolescents aged 13-17 in Lebanon identified that “40.0% had occasional/frequent problems, and 3.6% had significant problems because of Internet use. The results of a stepwise regression showed that higher levels of aggression, depression, impulsivity, and social fear were associated with higher internet addiction whereas an increased number of siblings and a higher socioeconomic status were associated with lower internet addiction. (Sahar, O., et al, 2019).   

Smartphone usage has also been shown to affect our sleep and productivity.  

“Late night use of smartphones for work may interfere with sleep, thus leaving employees depleted in the morning and less engaged during the workday.”. (Lanaj, K., Johnson, R. E., & Barnes, C. M. 2014) 

What can we do to stem the tide of screen compulsion? 

While researching, for my book, The Visual Diet, I came across different methods to tend to screen compulsions. Many temporarily halt access to content while having a simple way to bypass it. Currently, smartphones have a “Do Not Disturb” feature that is just a click away. These are helpful if the individual has the bandwidth to ride the wave of compulsion.  

When others just cannot make the decision for themselves, additional apps may be needed to block problematic apps while still being able to use the phone. For Android users, the Lock Me Out app has this capability while iPhone users could use Opal.  

There is another method that could be beneficial for many, and it’s quite simple: change your screen color to grayscale. Black and white. Sounds simple and it is. Personally, I found some interesting benefits to it. Since we are more prone to experience the world enriched in vibrant colors, the attention to the surrounding experience can shift to provide more dopamine from our surroundings.  

I even took it a step forward and put all my screens in grayscale for the whole day, every day for a week now. Now, when I walk my dog, the colors around me feel much more vibrant. Coming from someone who has color-deficient vision, it has allowed me to reexperience the world with more beauty. My hope is that this could do that for you as well. I don’t plan on continuing forever, except for my phone, but will reengage with grayscale when I need more focus.  

 

References 

Rochester review :: University of Rochester. (n.d.). https://www.rochester.edu/pr/Review/V74N4/0402_brainscience.html 

Singh, R. (2022). Perils of Screen Addiction. AKGEC International Journal of Technology, 13, 40-44. 

Bahrainian SA, Alizadeh KH, Raeisoon MR, Gorji OH, Khazaee A. Relationship of Internet addiction with self-esteem and depression in university students. J Prev Med Hyg. 2014 Sep;55(3):86-9. PMID: 25902574; PMCID: PMC4718307. 

Demirci, K., Akgönül, M., & Akpinar, A. (2015). Relationship of smartphone use severity with sleep quality, depression, and anxiety in university students, Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 4(2), 85-92. doi: https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.4.2015.010 

Kim, Y. J., Jang, H. M., Lee, Y., Lee, D., & Kim, D. J. (2018). Effects of internet and smartphone addictions on depression and anxiety based on propensity score matching analysis. International journal of environmental research and public health, 15(5), 859. 

Lanaj, K., Johnson, R. E., & Barnes, C. M. (2014). Beginning the workday yet already depleted? Consequences of late-night smartphone use and sleep. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 124(1), 11-23. 

Obeid, Sahar PhD∗,†,‡; Saade, Sylvia PharmD§; Haddad, Chadia MPH∗; Sacre, Hala PharmD∥,¶; Khansa, Wael MD#; Al Hajj, Roula MSc†; Kheir, Nelly MSc∗∗; Hallit, Souheil PharmD, MSc, MPH, PhD¶,#. Internet Addiction Among Lebanese Adolescents: The Role of Self-Esteem, Anger, Depression, Anxiety, Social Anxiety and Fear, Impulsivity, and Aggression—A Cross-Sectional Study. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease 207(10):p 838-846, October 2019. | DOI: 10.1097/NMD.0000000000001034 

 

 

Silhouette of man sitting in front of a computer in the darkAccording to a 2008 study, between 3-6% of Americans engage in compulsive sexual behavior (CSB), better known as sex addiction. Other studies cite similar statistics, and some addiction facilities cite even higher figures. Many people feel plagued by unwanted sexual feelings or by a desire to engage in sex or view pornography that feels compulsive.

Yet the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) asserts there is insufficient empirical support for the existence of sex addiction. In 2017, the Center for Positive Sexuality (CPS), The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance (TASHRA), and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) echoed this sentiment in a statement published in The Journal of Positive Sexuality. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5 th Edition (DSM-5) does not list sex addiction as a diagnosis.

So what explains the discrepancy? Mental health advocates disagree on this, too. Sex addiction remains a controversial concept. One thing is certain, however: sexual behavior can cause difficulties in a person’s life even when their behavior does not rise to the level of an addiction.

Even if sex is not addictive in the traditional sense, people may still struggle with sexual behavior.

Is Sex Addiction Real?

Research on sex addiction is mixed. Some studies claim to have uncovered a fairly high rate of addictive sexual behavior. These researchers say sex addiction functions like other addictions, triggering a release of dopamine that causes a person to continually chase a sexual “high.” Like other behavioral addictions—shopping, gambling, video gaming—these studies say sex addiction can act like a drug and cause a person to make damaging and unsafe decisions.

Most bodies that research human sexuality, including AASECT, argue that the concept of sexual addiction is rooted in ideology, not science. They cite research finding no specific level of sexual activity that is inherently addictive or harmful.

A 2013 study looked at the brains of 52 people who said they struggled with sex addiction. Researchers used brain imaging to look at participants’ brains while they viewed sexually suggestive images. Contrary to what theories of sex addiction would predict, their brains did not behave in a way consistent with addiction. People addicted to drugs and alcohol show distinct brain patterns when viewing addictive substances. “Sex addicts” did not display these patterns.

It’s possible that sex addiction functions through different neural pathways or that the study was poorly constructed. It’s also possible that sex truly is not addictive.

Even if sex is not addictive in the traditional sense, people may still struggle with sexual behavior. There are many reasons to seek treatment for sexual issues. For example, a person might find that their sexual behavior is inconsistent with their values or that childhood guilt and shame undermine their ability to seek sexual fulfillment. Others may want to pursue non-normative relationships, such as open or polyamorous relationships, and wonder if doing so signals a problem.

It is important for people to be able to label their own behavior in a way that feels comfortable. If the sex addiction model fits, there’s no harm in identifying with it. For others, the notion of sex addiction—or the ideology that sometimes accompanies it—may feel stigmatizing.

Ideology and ‘Sex Addiction’

Sex is an inherently social activity that is heavily colored by social norms. In some cultures, polygamous relationships are common, while in others, having sex with multiple partners during the same time frame is stigmatized. Religious, cultural, and other ideologies are inextricably linked to people’s feelings about sex, sexuality, and sex addiction.

Many religious traditions have strongly advocated for the existence of sex addiction. In many cases, these religions also argue that pornography use, especially frequent pornography use, can cause addiction. Conversely, advocates who argue for greater sexual freedom and acceptance are less likely to accept the notion that sex can be addictive or that certain sexual practices are more likely to lead to addiction.

When evaluating addiction treatment programs or looking at your own behavior, it’s important to weigh the role ideology plays. A religious sex addiction program may draw more on its spiritual tradition than on empirical research. Likewise, a person’s internalized cultural values may cause them to feel guilty or ashamed of their sexual behavior even when there is nothing inherently wrong with it.

Signs Sexual Behavior Has Become a Problem

Because sex addiction is not a widely recognized disorder, different sources list different symptoms of the addiction. Sometimes ideology plays a role in the list of symptoms. For example, a religious sect that believes sex outside of marriage is sinful may list repeated sexual encounters outside of marriage as a sign of sexual addiction.

There is no empirically supported amount of sex or interest in sex that is inherently harmful or addictive. Having a high sex drive, multiple sex partners, or significant interest in sex does not mean a person has an addiction. Non-normative sexual interests, such as an interest in bondage or group sex, are common and do not mean a person has a sex addiction.

Instead, consider looking at how sex affects your life. People who find that sex damages relationships or self-esteem may benefit from therapy.

Some warning signs that sex may be a problem warranting treatment include:

Seeking Help for Problematic Sexual Behavior

A therapist can help with problematic sexual behavior in many ways. Those include:

Some mental health diagnoses can affect sexual behavior. For example, people with bipolar may become hypersexual during a manic episode. Therapy can also help with these symptoms.

Finding a therapist who shares your values about sexuality is important. To begin your search, click here.

References:

  1. AASECT position on sex addiction. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.aasect.org/position-sex-addiction
  2. Karila, L., Wery, A., Weinstein, A., Cottencin, O., Petit, A., Reynaud, M., & Billieux, J. (2014). Sexual addiction or hypersexual disorder: Different terms for the same problem? A review of the literature. Current Pharmaceutical Design, 20(25), 4012-4020. doi: 10.2174/13816128113199990619
  3. Keenan, J. (2013, July 24). Is sex addiction real or just an excuse? Retrieved from https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/sex-addiction-study-ucla-researchers-find-that-sex-and-porn-might-not-actually-be-addictive.html
  4. Kuzma, J. M., & Black, D. W. (2008). Epidemiology, prevalence, and natural history of compulsive sexual behavior. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 31(4), 603-611. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0193953X08000725

Employees work late into the nightSkydiving. High-speed races. Ziplining through jungle canopies. These can all be telltale signs of an adrenaline junkie. Some people crave the adrenaline rush that comes with high-stakes physical risks.

Yet risky travel and demanding sports aren’t the only ways adrenaline addiction can manifest. Certain people prefer to take risks at work. Adrenaline addiction in the workplace can lead to workaholism, aggressive workplace competition, difficulties getting along with coworkers, and work-life balance issues.

Many workplace adrenaline addicts don’t recognize they have a problem. They enjoy the adrenaline rush, so they might not seek treatment until something goes wrong—a divorce, a job loss, or an allegation by a coworker. Therapy can help workers overcome adrenaline addiction without compromising their performance or undermining their ability to enjoy work.

Adrenaline Addiction: A Craving for Risk

Adrenaline is a core component of the body’s fight or flight response. When the body senses danger, it releases adrenaline. This raises heart rate and blood pressure, increases respiration rate, and supplies the organs and muscles with more blood and oxygen. Many people find this sensation pleasurable. Consider the thrill of riding a roller coaster, or the excitement and fear a person feels right before parasailing.

Yet for some people, this thrill can become addictive. “Adrenaline addiction is like all other addictions. It has both obsessive and compulsive components,” says Nicole Urdang, MS, NCC, DHM from Buffalo, New York.

Adrenaline is closely related to dopamine, a neurotransmitter that promotes feelings of wellness, motivation, and pleasure. Dopamine also plays a role in addiction. This hints at the potential pleasure and addictive nature of an adrenaline rush.

For some people, physical risks aren’t the only route to an adrenaline rush. In a world that prioritizes work and values high status, careers can offer an ample supply of adrenaline. People may seek adrenaline rushes at work to stave off feelings of emptiness, boredom, lack of power, or anxiety.

Some examples of adrenaline-seeking behavior at work include:

How Adrenaline Addiction Can Hurt Productivity

Adrenaline addiction can undermine performance at work, especially over the long-term. Interpersonal skills and the ability to cooperate with others are key predictors of workplace success. People who continually foster competitive, high-stakes environments may sabotage workplace relationships. This can destroy their reputation and hinder their long-term success.

High-stakes risks can be catastrophic for companies and individuals. An entrepreneur who purchases a business they can’t afford may end up bankrupt. An employee who takes on more projects than they can manage may lose clients or even their job.

Over time, adrenaline addiction may even cause health problems. A person who works too many hours may not have time to exercise, relax, or spend time with their family. This chronic stress can lead to health problems that make it more difficult to perform at work.

Success at work demands balance—the ability to take measured risks while being a good steward of company resources, a willingness to work hard without taking on more than is manageable, and a willingness to promote oneself without insulting or degrading coworkers.

What Causes Adrenaline Addiction?

“In my opinion, all addictions have one major purpose: to keep scary, unpleasant, or upsetting thoughts and feelings at bay,” Urdang explains. This disconnection from unpleasant emotions may also compromise productivity. A person who lacks the ability to address conflicts or painful emotions may eventually find those feelings affecting their workplace performance and relationships.

Ultimately, overcoming adrenaline addiction is about finding better ways to manage the unpleasant emotions that adrenaline addiction conceals.Adrenaline addiction can damage families and workplaces. Though not a clinical diagnosis, it is a well-recognized mental health phenomenon. Sometimes, adrenaline addiction leads to other mental health symptoms. A person who has made a high-risk decision, for example, may struggle with anxiety, guilt, or shame.

Some mental health conditions may also increase the risk of adrenaline addiction. A person experiencing mania may engage in high-risk behavior, for example. For some, adrenaline dumps are a way to escape the pain and frustration of anxiety or depression. For others, adrenaline addiction offers an escape from a troubled marriage, impostor syndrome, a history of trauma, and myriad other painful experiences.

Treating Adrenaline Addiction

Like many other addictions, adrenaline addiction can feel good in the moment. It allows workers to escape the pain and drudgery of daily life, and it offers a powerful rush of positive emotions. So it can be difficult to accept that there is a problem, especially when adrenaline addiction has not yet caused any major suffering. If you think you might have an adrenaline addiction, it’s important to look critically at what that addiction is costing you—or what it might cost you over the long-term. Ask friends and family for feedback. Treat their concerns as valid.

Ultimately, overcoming adrenaline addiction is about finding better ways to manage the unpleasant emotions that adrenaline addiction conceals. Urdang recommends the following:

The right therapist can help with identifying the cause of adrenaline addiction. In therapy, you might talk about the feelings you are trying to avoid or the pleasurable sensations you are seeking through adrenaline addiction. Your therapist may make recommendations for cultivating a more balanced lifestyle or encourage you to talk about painful life experiences. Therapy offers a sympathetic, nonjudgmental place to discuss and test strategies for managing adrenaline addiction.

When adrenaline addiction causes problems in a family or marriage, family therapy or couples counseling can help all parties feel heard and understood. A therapist gently guides families toward more effective communication and more effective ways of relating to one another.

There is no shame in seeking help. Begin your search for a therapist today!

References:

  1. Dopamine: Far more than just the ‘happy hormone’. (2016, August 31). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/08/160831085320.htm
  2. Understanding the stress response. (2018, May 1). Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response
  3. Young, R. (2018, July 13). Soft skills: The primary predictor of success in academics, career and life. Retrieved from https://www.pairin.com/2018/07/13/soft-skills-primary-predictor-success-academics-career-life

Crowd of people walking on busy sidewalk and carrying shopping bagsIt’s difficult to spend time in any women’s community, online or otherwise, without hearing a reference to retail therapy. In the popular press, shopping is gendered as a pursuit for women. So resources for people with compulsive buying disorder, sometimes called oniomania, often focus on women. The truth is that men, women, and people not on the gender binary can struggle with shopping addiction.

What Is Shopping Addiction?

Buying things is an inescapable part of life. Most people who can afford to do so make some unnecessary purchases. It can even be difficult to discern what constitutes an unnecessary purchase—are seeds or a rose bush really unnecessary to a dedicated gardener? These factors all make it difficult to separate typical shopping behavior from a shopping addiction.

Additionally, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) does not list shopping addiction or compulsive buying as a separate addiction. This makes diagnosis more challenging, especially for those who want to know whether they meet diagnostic criteria.

People who are addicted to shopping are often preoccupied with it. While most spend money, some simply think about or plan to shop. Some characteristics of shopping addiction as opposed to normal shopping include:

Shopping addiction can have devastating effects on a person’s life. It may undermine their ability to make important purchases such as buying a home or funding college. It can cause them to drain their savings. It may lead to debt and bankruptcy or destroy relationships.

Because people who compulsively shop often do so to cope with stress, the stress of compulsive shopping can actually fuel more shopping.

People of all genders can experience an addiction to shopping or buying. Most research estimates that 6-7% of people worldwide compulsively shop.

What Research Says About Shopping Addiction and Women

People of all genders can experience an addiction to shopping or buying. Most research estimates that 6-7% of people worldwide compulsively shop.

Research on gender differences is mixed and inconclusive. A German study found equal rates of compulsive buying among men and women. A Spanish study arrived at a different conclusion, finding slightly higher rates of compulsive shopping among women.

Despite the fact that people of all genders may shop too much, 80-94% of people seeking treatment for compulsive buying are women. A 2016 analysis argues that this may not be because of gender differences in shopping style. Instead, this may be due to an increased likelihood that women will recognize and seek help for a problem with shopping.

A 1997 article analyzed compulsive shopping among women through a feminist lens. That article argues compulsive shopping is often compensatory in nature. Compensatory consumption is an attempt to overcome perceived or actual deficits in status, relationships, or self-perception. In a sexist society, the article argues, compensatory consumption may be one way women cope with gender inequity.

Culture, Family, and Genetics: What Leads to Shopping Addiction?

Like other mental health issues, no single factor has been proven to cause all cases of shopping addiction. Shopping addiction is a complex mental health challenge that may be caused or exacerbated by numerous factors.

While some analysts speculate that compulsive shopping may be genetic, no research has found a clear genetic link to compulsive buying. However, many people who shop compulsively have another mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. These diagnoses do have genetic underpinnings, so genetics could play an indirect role.

Despite a dearth of genetic research, compulsive shopping sometimes runs in families. This may be because parents and other caregivers model to children that shopping is a good way to relieve psychological distress.

Some other factors that may play a role in the development of compulsive shopping include:

Brain imaging scans of people with behavioral addictions, including compulsive shopping, have found differences in several regions of the brain. Those include the limbic system, which plays a role in memory and emotion, and various areas of the brain associated with reward and motivation.

Why Do People Become Compulsive Shoppers?

Most research suggests that people who shop compulsively do so to alleviate feelings of boredom, anxiety, sadness, depression, and other painful emotions. In some cases, people shop to alleviate discomfort caused by shopping itself. For instance, a person who receives a large credit card bill may try “retail therapy” to cope.

People who use shopping to deal with psychological pain are more likely to have certain personality traits. Those include:

For When You Can’t Stop Shopping: Overcoming Shopping Addiction

Shopping addiction often happens in secret, but admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Shopping addiction is not a character defect. It’s a real diagnosis that warrants real treatment.

Some people find relief from 12-step programs such as Debtors Anonymous. Others find that antidepressants, especially selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) help, possibly by alleviating underlying psychological symptoms. Most people with an addiction to shopping need therapy to help them quit.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps people understand the connection between their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, has proven particularly helpful for fighting compulsive shopping. Other forms of therapy may also help by:

Shopping addiction is treatable, as are the many problems it can cause in a person’s life. For help managing an addiction to shopping, begin your search for a therapist here.

References:

  1. Granero, R., Fernández-Aranda, F., Mestre-Bach, G., Steward, T., Baño, M., Pino-Gutiérrez, A. D., . . . Jiménez-Murcia, S. (2016). Compulsive buying behavior: Clinical comparison with other behavioral addictions. Frontiers in Psychology, 7. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00914
  2. Mattos, C. N., Kim, H. S., Requião, M. G., Marasaldi, R. F., Filomensky, T. Z., Hodgins, D. C., & Tavares, H. (2016). Gender differences in compulsive buying disorder: Assessment of demographic and psychiatric co-morbidities. PLoS One, 11(12). doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0167365
  3. Pinna, F., Dell’Osso, B., Di Nicola, M., Janiri, L., Altamura, A. C., Carpiniello, B., & Hollander, E. (2015). Behavioural addictions and the transition from DSM-IV TR to DSM-5. Journal of Psychopathology, 380-389. Retrieved from http://www.jpsychopathol.it/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/12_Art_ORIGINALE_Pinna1.pdf
  4. Piquet-Pessôa, M., Ferreira, G. M., Melca, I. A., & Fontenelle, L. F. (2014). DSM-5 and the decision not to include sex, shopping, or stealing as addictions. Current Addiction Reports, 1(3), 172-176. doi: 10.1007/s40429-014-0027-6
  5. Woodruffe, H. R. (1997). Compensatory consumption: Why women go shopping when they’re fed up and other stories. Marketing Intelligence & Planning, 15(7), 325-334. Retrieved from https://www.emeraldinsight.com/doi/abs/10.1108/02634509710193172

Couple working together talking and laughing while painting a roomTherapists used to reserve the term “trauma” to describe events like war, rape, and life-threatening experiences. We now recognize that people can have similar responses to relational traumas. When one partner engages in behaviors such as infidelity or addictive behaviors, leaving their partner feeling betrayed and abandoned, the hurt partner can experience trauma-related symptoms. They may experience shame, worthlessness, withdrawal, paranoia, obsessive thoughts about the betrayal, and thoughts of self-harm.

I find that often, couples minimize, dismiss, or misinterpret these symptoms, making healing and reconnection difficult. The hurt partner may wonder, “Are you doing this to me again?” This fear can turn into an array of behaviors: accusations, interrogations, questions, and looking into their partner’s emails, phones, and computers for evidence of deceitful or hurtful behavior. They may even conclude “I can never trust you again” or “You are incapable of changing” when they feel overwhelmed.

For the offending partner, this can be a defeating experience. Maybe they truly have ended the hurtful behavior. Maybe they are working on an effective recovery and have achieved a significant period of sobriety. Maybe they have ended an affair and fessed up to their deceit.

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Even with all of this, their partner may be vigilant and untrusting. The offending partner may get frustrated when the other continues to bring up old hurts or dig for evidence of expected poor behavior. Frustration can turn to anger and resentment: “My partner will never trust me again.” “Why can’t they just move on?”

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Reliving the Pain

Let me illustrate with a hypothetical example. Jenny and Stan came to couples therapy to heal from the hurts of his addictive behaviors. Stan had been in recovery for almost a year, diligently working his recovery program and making significant progress. They felt hopeful about their healing as a couple and at times have felt closer than they ever did before his addictive behaviors escalated.

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Therefore, they were both surprised when what seemed like a small event turned into a standoff that reminded them of the chaotic days when Stan was active in his addiction. They explained how Stan got stuck in a meeting, forgot to call Jenny, and came home two hours later than expected. Jenny described how, when Stan apologized and gave his excuses for why he was so late, that moment felt like the moments in the past when he would lie to her to cover up his addictive behaviors. She felt the same feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and uncertainty.

Stan was upset, too. He described how overwhelmed and angry he felt seeing Jenny’s reaction. Even though he was truthful in his reasons for being late, he was facing those same harsh responses from Jenny. She was accusatory and untrusting, despite all his progress. In our session, they both reported feeling they were “back to square one” and “could not be together if it was going to be like this.”

Recognizing the Trauma Response

When couples recognize the trauma response that was triggered, they can start to respond to those moments in transformative ways. They can appropriately tune in to each other. They can see that “the problem” is not necessarily their partner’s inability to be trustworthy. “The problem” is not the hurt partner’s inability to move on. “The problem” is the disconnect that happens when the pain of the past is triggered in both partners.

Stan and Jenny faced a normal, yet pivotal moment when he was late. How they learned to respond in those moments determined the pace of their healing. If Stan responded to Jenny with “You need to get over this,” she would have been left to manage her trauma response alone, further dividing the relationship. However, if Stan became a safe place for her to experience her trauma response, they could learn to connect in ways that are imperative for the healing process. In these moments, couples can strengthen their bond and attachment.

When the pain of old hurts gets triggered, it is no longer “Here we go again,” but rather, “Of course you feel this way sometimes. I’m in it with you. You are not alone in this.” The offending partner can respond to the hurt partner’s moment of panic with understanding and comfort. This shift allows them to move out of a defensive stance of “This isn’t going to work if you are never going to trust me” and into a comforting stance of “I’m so sorry this is scary for you right now. What can I do to help?”

The hurt partner can recognize their emotions as a traumatic response. They can start to notice the difference between “You are untrustworthy” and “I’m feeling that anxiety and panic again, like I’m scared you are going to hurt me again. In these moments, I really need you to be with me, reassure me, understand my pain, hear me,” etc.

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Building Trust and Connection

These triggering moments turn into opportunities for true healing and transformative connection. This is when couples take the pain of incredible hurts and use it to connect in ways that create security and safety. These triggering moments, when handled with care, become the foundation of rebuilding trust. They are not moments to be feared and avoided, but rather moments to be valued for the closeness they can bring. The relationship not only becomes a safe place to find relief but also a protection against the stress that trauma can bring.

If relational traumas are coming between you and your partner, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

  1. Carnes, S., Lee, M. A., & Rodriguez, A. D. (2012). Facing heartbreak: Steps to recovery for partners of sex addicts. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
  2. Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Close-up photo of young adult leaning over journal while sitting outdoors and writing Are you in an addictive relationship with someone? Would you like to break free from your bondage and feel inner peace? Do you want to stop the obsessions, break the cycle of seeming insanity, and take back your life?

Then read on.

Addictions come in many forms. An addiction to a person involves obsessive thoughts about the relationship, feelings of hope, anticipation, waiting, confusion, and desperation. Addictive relationships are toxic and very powerful.

Healthy relationships do not involve constant drama and continual feelings of longing. Healthy relationships just are. When in a nonaddictive relationship, you simply know your loved one is available to you. You do not have to wonder, wait, or live in turmoil over your last or next encounter.

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The first step in recovery is to face the truth. Identify your toxic person as the “drug” of sorts you are addicted to. Before you can break any addiction, you need to own the reality you have one. Acknowledgment is the beginning of your journey toward recovery.

To help you face the truth, get out your writing pad and begin the process. Start by writing the following:

Once you have faced the truth, commit to yourself to live in the truth—to live in reality, no matter the cost. Recovery requires living in truth over living in fantasy. Addictive relationships are fantasies. You are in love with what you wish the person was, not what they are.

You are addicted to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding surrounding the relationship. Because the relationship is so utterly unfulfilling, you are left with a constant state of emptiness, which is temporarily assuaged with each encounter with your object of obsession (the person).

It is a vicious cycle.

Once you have identified your thoughts, feelings, and patterns in your relationship, it is time begin abstention (if you haven’t already done so). You must abstain from your addiction. You can abstain in one of two ways:

  1. Abstain from the relationship completely (no contact); this includes texts and social media.
  2. Abstain from and emotional entanglements; this requires detachment.

This will be a very difficult part of your journey. The brain chemicals released when trying to detach are vastly different from the neurotransmitters and hormones released when you are with your loved one. The main chemical released during times of stress (including emotional stress) is cortisol. Any trigger (such as the loss of a loved one) releases chemicals from the noradrenergic system (which includes the release of cortisol and norepinephrine).

As you face another emotionally dysregulating departure from your loved one, your stress system goes into high gear, releasing stress chemicals in your body, which motivates you to “do something about this!” As you anticipate the relief from the stress, your brain releases chemicals such as dopamine, which offer that positive feeling of anticipation. You have entered the craving part of your addiction.

In order to break an addiction, you need to realize you are fighting these chemical responses. This means you will not feel good for a while. But rest assured, if you can abstain from responding to your brain chemistry, you can get through these tough times and your neurotransmitter system will eventually come to rest at a state of equilibrium.

Some suggestions for what to do while you are in this “craving cycle”:

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

Understand you cannot change anyone but yourself. Stop focusing on how the other person needs to change. You have no power over other people, and wishing others would change only serves to keep you hooked into a destructive pattern of waiting.

The best thing you can do to help yourself on your journey of healing is to be proactive and set up a plan of emotional health “bottom-line behaviors” for yourself.

Here are some personal principles you can internalize to help you do just that:

Recovery from any addiction, including a relationship addiction, is hard but worthwhile work. You can do this through perseverance, hope, self-discovery, and grace. The best way to accomplish any long-term goal is to do it one step and one day at a time. Don’t scare yourself by thinking beyond today. Live each day as it comes and take the next indicated step on your journey to healthy living.

For compassionate guidance, seek the support of a licensed therapist in your area.

Happy young adult dancing with her friends while at a nightclub party with confetti, holding a drink on her handI don’t like to admit it, but it’s true: generally speaking, women can’t handle their liquor as well as men. Although there are always exceptions, research indicates women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. More specifically, it hits them harder and faster.

One of the main differences between men and women related to drinking has to do with dehydrogenase, a metabolizing enzyme that helps the body get alcohol out of its system. This enzyme helps men process alcohol more efficiently, allowing them to drink more and not feel the effects as quickly. Women generally have less of the enzyme than men, so more of what women drink enters their bloodstream as pure alcohol.

Women tend to weigh less than men, and on average, women’s bodies contain less water and more fatty tissue than men’s. Because fat retains alcohol while water has a diluting effect, alcohol remains at higher concentrations for longer durations in a woman’s body, exposing her brain and other organs to more alcohol.

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It would seem feeling the effects faster simply leads to not being able to drink as much as quickly. However, a dangerous biological factor comes into play for females.

Females are at greater risk than males for developing serious alcohol-related physical problems. Once a drink is consumed, it goes through the digestive tract where it is dispersed through water in the body. The more water that is available, the more diluted the alcohol gets. Again, on average, women weigh less than men. As a result, women’s bodies are more exposed to the toxic byproducts the body releases when it breaks down alcohol. Thus, a female is at significantly higher risk for developing organ damage such as alcoholic hepatitis and cirrhosis. Females are also more likely than males to die from these conditions.

But the potential damage does not stop at the liver. Because women’s bodies are more exposed to alcohol’s toxins, they are more likely to experience alcohol-related brain damage and loss of cognitive function. Women who drink heavily also have an increased risk of thinning bones, falls and hip fractures, infertility and miscarriage, premature menopause, high blood pressure, heart disease, and cancer, especially of the breast, head, and neck.

While men have higher rates of alcohol use disorder diagnoses, women experience the physical damage from drinking significantly more quickly than men do. Consider a man and a woman who both drink heavily. Over time, statistically, the woman will begin to have more severe health problems within five years, while it may take 20 years for the same health issues to show in a man.

Another biological factor that affects the sexes differently is hormones. The fluctuations in hormone levels during a woman’s menstrual cycle may affect how she metabolizes alcohol. The intoxicating effects of alcohol will set in faster when a female’s estrogen levels are higher. This typically occurs just before her period.

These biological factors explain why women may become intoxicated after drinking less and are more likely to suffer adverse consequences after drinking smaller quantities for fewer years than men.

Alcohol, in a cruel turn, increases estrogen levels. A woman taking estrogen-added birth control pills will become intoxicated faster and stay that way longer. The medication slows the rate at which the body eliminates alcohol. Her hangover may also be worse than a male counterpart’s. These biological factors explain why women may become intoxicated after drinking less and are more likely to suffer adverse consequences after drinking smaller quantities for fewer years than men.

As my previous article reported, while drinking, men tend to experience more impairment in judgment than women do. And as noted above, a woman is likely to feel alcohol’s effects more quickly and for a longer period. These two biological realities can lead to a dangerous outcome: sexual assault. Each year, one in 20 women is sexually assaulted. Research confirms there is an increased risk when both the attacker and the victim consume alcohol prior to the assault.

A final way in which alcohol affects the genders differently is in seeking help. While the stigma of women drinking may be decreasing, there still appears to be stigma around getting help. Women are more likely to attribute their problems to depression, anxiety, or family troubles rather than drinking. This creates a ticking time bomb of sorts. Behavioral health care providers must be trained to look beneath the presenting issue and help women see the first step may be to address the alcohol use. Once the drinking is under control, other issues may be more easily recognized and resolved.

Conclusion

Due to biological differences, women, on average, experience the effects of alcohol use in different ways than men. Weight, body fat, enzymes, and hormones are all factors that increase the likelihood a woman will experience physical problems related to drinking more quickly than a typical male.

By remaining aware of their respective risk factors, women and men alike may make more educated decisions regarding drinking and ward off potential consequences.

References:

  1. B.R.A.D. (2013). Women and Alcohol. Retrieved from http://www.brad21.org
  2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Fact Sheets – Excessive Alcohol Use and Risks to Women’s Health. Atlanta, GA: CDC.
  3. Connery, H. S. (2011). Alcohol Use and Abuse – Harvard Medical School Special Health Report.
  4. National Institutes of Health: The Office of Research on Women’s Health, Office of the Director, and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (2015). Alcohol: a Women’s Health Issue. NIH Publication No. 15–4956.

Young people using smartphones and ignoring each otherSix simple screening questions can test for social media addiction, according to James Roberts, PhD, a marketing professor at Baylor University’s Hankamer School of Business. Roberts researches smartphone addiction and wrote the book Too Much of a Good Thing: Are You Addicted to Your Smartphone?

A recent poll from Common Sense Media shows about half of all teens feel they are addicted to their smartphones, and at least 59% of parents believe their kids are addicted. Nearly two-thirds of parents say their teenagers spend too much time using mobile devices, and 52% of teens feel the same way.

Are You Addicted to Social Media?

According to Roberts, social media addiction shares six key features with other behavioral addictions: building tolerance for the stimulus, symptoms of withdrawal, conflict about the source of the addiction, high salience of the addictive behavior, a sense of euphoria when indulging the addiction, and vulnerability to relapse.

Roberts suggests six questions can uncover these features and identify social media addiction. Those questions are:

  1. Salience: Is social media use heavily integrated into your daily routine?
  2. Tolerance: Do you find yourself spending progressively more time on social media to get the same satisfaction?
  3. Euphoria: Do you rely on social media as a source of excitement, or to cope with boredom or loneliness?
  4. Withdrawal: Do you feel a need to use social media, and feel edgy or anxious when you cannot?
  5. Relapse: Do attempts to quit or reduce social media use fail?
  6. Conflict: Does social media cause problems in your life or conflicts with loved ones?

Answering in the affirmative to three or more questions points toward a social media addiction.

Why Is Social Media Addiction a Problem?

[fat_widget_right]Previous research suggests excessive use of social media can affect mental health. For example, a 2015 study found a correlation between significant use of social media in teens and untreated mental health issues. Another 2016 study indicated an addiction to the internet may be associated with higher rates of anxiety and depression.

Roberts cautions that social media use can undermine in-person relationships by causing users to prioritize online relationships. Therapy can help effectively treat social media addiction, as well as other compulsive behaviors.

References:

  1. Are you addicted to social media? Expert offers six questions to ask yourself. (2016, October 20). Retrieved from http://www.baylor.edu/mediacommunications/news.php?action=story&story=174059&_buref=1172-91940
  2. Dallas, M. (2016, September 18). Internet addiction may be red flag for other mental health issues: Study. Retrieved from http://health.usnews.com/health-care/articles/2016-09-18/internet-addiction-may-be-red-flag-for-other-mental-health-issues-study
  3. Mozes, A. (2015, July 31). Too much Facebook, Twitter, tied to poor mental health in teens. Retrieved from http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_153889.html
  4. Wallace, K. (2016, July 29). Half of teens think they’re addicted to their smartphones. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/03/health/teens-cell-phone-addiction-parents/

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

First of all, my partner does not hit, abuse, or commit any acts of violence toward me. It’s the main reason I haven’t left yet. I’m writing because I’m curious whether addiction alone is a valid justification for leaving.

I’ve heard of the “three A’s” (abuse, addiction, and affairs) that are warning signs and signals a relationship is in trouble. And I know everyone probably thinks their case is special, or that their lover is different than anyone else who abuses, cheats, or develops an addiction. I am aware the cards are stacked against me. So how does an optimistic person weigh all of those “givens” and make a choice about the future of a relationship?

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I have so much hope that my boyfriend will realize one day soon the strain his alcoholism puts on his health, our finances, and the plans we make. I catch glimpses of this realization occasionally when he sobers up (briefly). He has agreed to get help once or twice, but it never lasts. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and I loved the person I met all those years ago! I’m exhausted and sick of being the one person to try to remind him who he was.

Am I foolish for holding out hope that he will one day be that person again? Is there a chance I could get him the help he needs? —Hoping Against Hope

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Hoping,

Thank you for writing, and I’m sorry you’re in such a difficult situation.

The short answer to your first question (is addiction a valid reason for leaving?) is yes, with this caveat: it’s not so much the “addiction,” per se, but your boyfriend’s “straining” behavior (as you put it) while under the influence.

Your excellent question also signals one of the reasons living with an addicted partner is difficult: the dual nature of the person’s personality (sober versus not sober). It’s like living with two people, but only you know it. When something this distressing is unacknowledged, a person can start to feel like they’re losing their mind. This lack of acknowledgment of your experience creates a sense of isolation that is itself is a form of abuse, where “crazy” starts to feel normalized or we become numb to it—until it grabs our attention again and we ask ourselves, “Why the hell do I put up with this?”

Except it’s hard to say “get lost” to the sober version of the person we care about. That version may show remorse, contrition, regret, etc., a stark contrast to the non-sober version’s selfish, mean, and spiteful behavior. Episodes of the latter are often forgotten or downplayed by the sober version, perhaps accompanied by an apology that rings rather hollow.

You have an extremely difficult decision to make, and for that you may need support. You can look for Al-Anon meetings—highly recommended—near you by doing an internet search. There are also online support groups, books on living with an addicted partner, and so on. There are also highly trained and skilled counselors and therapists who specialize in addiction and living with an addicted partner. I urge you to get support before you make any big decisions.

Some prefer meetings to therapy; with others it’s the other way around. I find that a combination of therapy and meetings can be most helpful. In meetings, we find others who can relate to us, to cut down on that soul-wrenching isolation, shame, and other pain.

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult.

Addiction puts everyone, including the addicted person, in a no-win situation. Just as someone with alcoholism can’t seem to live with or without the bottle, you love your boyfriend but can’t live with or without him. Leaving and staying are difficult. There is no “right thing to do,” necessarily. Even partners who are physically abused (men included) can find it terribly difficult to leave; it is hard to leave someone we love, especially if we have a history of tolerating emotional abuse, relational chaos, or trauma. (We often cannot help being attracted to what is familiar.)

You would not be shamefully “dumb” to stay, nor shamefully “selfish” to leave. In fact, sometimes it is such a gamble that jars the addicted person back to reality. It is usually action, not just talk, that gets a partner’s attention.

Some might suggest it’s important to have compassion for the addicted person, and I would agree—to a point. Have compassion, yes, but also set boundaries against hurtful behavior you have nothing to do with and cannot influence.

A good therapist can help you do the painful work of taking care of yourself. We can feel guilty or neglectful if we set boundaries and look after ourselves, especially when an addicted person under the influence lashes out at us for “ignoring” them. But as with a child in tantrum, consistent and firm limits are important.

My usual advice to people in your situation—barring anything life-threatening or physically injurious—is to take very small but manageable baby steps. For instance, telling your partner (while he’s sober), in as neutral a way as possible, what behaviors are hurtful to you, and what you can and cannot tolerate. Start small. Example: “I need to talk to you. Is this a good time?” If not, “When is good? Tonight at dinner?” Then, at the right time: “I don’t mean to criticize, and this is a little hard to say, but please stop lashing out at me late at night. It really hurts.” You might add, if the hint is not obvious enough, “You seem more angry and attacking when you drink.” Again, try to stay with a neutral tone with a focus on your own pain rather than your partner. Other-focused comments such as, “Boy, you’re one angry drunk,” or, “When are you going to stop drinking like a fish?” are unlikely to lead in a positive direction.

One can argue facts, but not feelings. If a partner is unwilling to listen to feelings, consistently stonewalls, or becomes defensive, then the relationship is in trouble—addictive behavior or no addictive behavior.

If your partner says, “Well, you hurt me too! Stop being so critical!” you can say, “Okay, I’m willing to hear feedback too. Can we both agree to do some work on this together?” If you are both struggling with this, relationship counseling can greatly help. The point is to work toward peace and productive communication, not the same old cycle over and over again. Some people reading this might say, “Why is it up to me? I’m not the addicted person here.” To which I would say, quoting Al-Anon, “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to feel safer and happier in your relationship?”

If these conversations go nowhere, and if efforts to get outside help fail, then perhaps leaving becomes the only realistic option. Again, sending a firm message—I cannot tolerate such hurtful behavior—is crucial. Though difficult, making such a decision may do wonders for your self-esteem and sense of empowerment. It may also trigger sadness or grief.

I wish you the best of luck, and again reiterate that you are not alone. Please seek support. Admitting a need for help—for you or for a loved one you can’t seem to get through to—is often the bravest thing a person can do.

Kind regards,

Darren

Torso and legs of teenager running along beach with dogWhy do people develop addictions and compulsions? In general, their psychological purpose is to push out of conscious awareness anything disturbing. The unconscious mind knows how deeply upsetting some body-mind memories might be, as they could trigger anger, panic, grief, guilt, anxiety, shame, depression, or feelings of worthlessness. Thus, it will do anything it can to distract from them.

That may mean engaging in unhelpful or even self-destructive behaviors. After all, addictions and extreme habits, which can form out of obsessive compulsions (OCD), can be very engaging to the body-mind. This deep engagement with something else, anything else, is a wonderful distraction from unpleasant emotions.

Add to your natural propensity for avoiding pain those media messages suggesting various forms of distraction—porn, alcohol, vaping, shopping, extreme sports, etc.—may enhance your life and make you happy, and you have a recipe for a society inundated with addictions and compulsions. (See Anne Wilson Schaef’s book When Society Becomes an Addict for a deeper explanation of this concept.)

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For all the talk of its potential pitfalls, obsessive and compulsive thinking has worked for humanity’s benefit for millennia. The person who unrelentingly rubbed two sticks together to create fire, Marie Curie in her lab, and Albert Einstein incessantly mulling over ideas are just some of the countless examples of people becoming consumed with something essential and meaningful.

With any form of compulsive or addictive behavior, the important question is: Is it interfering with any aspect of your life? If it is having a deleterious effect in any area, such as relationships, finances, work, or health, you might want to do something about it.

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Fortunately, there are many ways to shift away from unwanted habits. William Glasser, MD, a renowned psychiatrist, wrote a book in 1985 called Positive Addiction. He argued the natural unconscious tendency to avoid psychological pain can be rerouted into positive addictions. In other words, the brain’s proclivity for repetition can be used creatively and productively. Those obsessive, compulsive energies can be channeled into useful and enjoyable distractions such as learning a new language, spending more time with friends and family, reading, exercising, or hobbies.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no.

So is the answer simply reorienting one’s compulsive energies into positive activities? Well, yes and no. As a holistic psychotherapist who uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) as one of the arrows in my therapeutic quiver, I would certainly suggest some energy redirection. Ultimately, though, the task is working with the parts of you that valiantly protect your wounded inner child to enable you to unburden some of that pain, as well as coming to appreciate all your other parts (called “protectors” in IFS) that may snort cocaine, drink excessively, gamble, have an eating disorder, or engage in risky sexual behaviors. As counterintuitive as it may seem, all of these things—destructive as they may be—are trying to help you. They will do anything to protect you from being flooded with negative or scary feelings. Anything.

As someone who has been working with people with addictions for over 40 years, I appreciate the way IFS allows a person to gently, yet deeply, explore inner terrain while learning how to compassionately create a new way of relating to all of their parts. Through the IFS process, a person can come to recognize how hard their parts work to give them peace, even if those parts still think the person is a child or teenager. Talking with those parts, getting to know them and their motivations, and developing a new loving relationship with them can be incredibly healing.

Many people with addictions are in 12-step programs, which are wonderful for creating a community of people who share a desire to eclipse the past and evolve. IFS is compatible with those as well.

When you can meet your cravings for temporary oblivion with greater patience and understanding, you may begin to explore your true self. In IFS, that means allowing you to access your inner self-leadership with all its creativity, curiosity, connectedness, confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, courage, and compassion.

References:

  1. Glasser, W. (1985). Positive Addiction. New York, NY: Harper Perennial.
  2. Schaef, A. W. (1988). When Society Becomes an Addict. New York, NY: HarperOne.
Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.