Masks Off, Anxiety Up: Dealing with No-Mask Anxiety

After over a year of covering their faces, Americans across the country were told they could breathe freely earlier this year as mask mandates were lifted. 

Unfortunately, the return to “normal” life hasn’t been smooth sailing for everyone. In fact, nearly half of Americans admit they have concerns about resuming in-person interactions, according to the American Psychological Association.  

It appears as though the mental health issues brought about by the pandemic aren’t going away anytime soon. 

Indeed, “no-mask anxiety” is real, and folks all over America are worried about life returning to the way it was before the pandemic. 

What Is No-Mask Anxiety? 

Like the name suggests, no-mask anxiety is a condition where people are scared about the prospect of taking off their masks in public.  

Those affected by no-mask anxiety feel uneasy when they themselves don’t wear a face covering, and they can also be uncomfortable around others who are not wearing masks. 

People of all ages can suffer from no-mask anxiety, including kids who are not yet vaccinated. 

Worried you might be suffering from no-mask anxiety? Don’t be. Doctors say it’s completely normal — and will likely be an increasingly common diagnosis as we move further into the post-pandemic world.  

The Why Behind No-Mask Anxiety  

On top of general uncertainty about the future, there are a few reasons why folks might develop no-mask anxiety: 

It’s become a habit.  

Imagine Henry, a 45-year-old father of two.  

For the first 44 years of his life, Henry never wore a mask. All of a sudden, in 2020, he wore a mask every day, each time he stepped out of his house.  

Since research says it takes an average of 66 days to develop a new habit, it comes as no surprise that Henry now feels more or less “naked” without a mask on. 

It feels like a security blanket. 

Throughout the pandemic, masks have served as our front line of protection against the virus. While vaccinations are helping the world safely move past the pandemic, many still feel comforted by wearing a mask and were planning on wearing them for the foreseeable future. 

Then, suddenly, the CDC updated its guidelines and said that folks who were fully vaccinated could return to pre-pandemic life. Expecting to wear a mask for some time and being told it was no longer required has been a difficult adjustment for many people. 

“The only time I don’t have mine up is when I’m at home or driving my car,” Jenny Krislov, a resident of Madison, Wisconsin, told Spectrum News 1. “It almost feels like my security blanket.”  

Krislov doesn’t only wear the mask to protect herself. She also wears it to protect her loved ones. 

Unmasking can exacerbate social anxiety. 

Those who have social anxiety live in fear that their peers will judge them for awkward or abnormal behavior in social settings. Simply put, people with social anxiety do everything they can to act “normal” and fit in with the crowd. 

As the pandemic began, these individuals might have been hesitant to put their masks on in the first place out of concern they’d get weird looks. However, ever since masks were mandated and the vast majority of people complied, they were happy to mask up.  

Now, as we transition to a post-pandemic world, social anxiety may be a bit higher than normal, according to David Moscovitch, a professor at the University of Waterloo. People who were nervous to be in public might have felt some comfort in being able to hide their faces. But in order to fit in now, they need to reveal their faces — which is causing some people to develop no-mask anxiety.  

“Many people who didn’t struggle with social anxiety before the pandemic may find themselves feeling more anxious than usual as we emerge out of the pandemic and into a more uncertain future — especially within social situations where our social skills are rusty and the new rules for social engagement are yet to be written,” Moscovitch wrote in a recent paper. 

Social anxiety got you shut down and isolated, hyper-vigilant and self-critical, or any other way that is blocking your path to a peaceful, full life? Don’t let anxiety define you. Reach out to a therapist near you today for help.

Resilience and Growing Through Change: How to Conquer No-Mask Anxiety 

If you’re impacted by no-mask anxiety, you need to remember there’s nothing to be ashamed about. None of us have ever lived through a pandemic at the scale of COVID-19 before, so we will all need to adapt to varying degrees. 

If you’re looking to conquer your no-mask anxiety, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

1. Take your time.

Just because other people aren’t wearing masks doesn’t mean you have to take yours off, too. 

Doctors say there’s nothing wrong with taking your time to ease back into a more open world. 

“You can pick a safe place with safe people, and just gradually go from there,” Dr. Eric Berko of MetroHealth Medical Center told Cleveland’s Fox 8 News. “Keep a mask in your pocket. It’s OK if you feel uncomfortable, just put it on. There’s no harm or shame in any of that. Gradually get yourself out there, and I think you’ll start to feel better and better.”

2. Force yourself to be social.

As Robert Frost once wrote, the only way out is through. 

If you find yourself saying no to social gatherings or wanting to keep your face mask on in supermarkets and retail shops, try to force yourself to do the opposite. 

“Catch yourself when you’re choosing to avoid even when you aren’t being forced to do so by pandemic-related restrictions,” Moscovitch said. “Do your very best to summon the courage to push yourself to enter those situations and confront your anxiety.” 

3. Find resilience.

According to Brené Brown, people who are resilient in the face of trauma tend to practice three specific acts: 

• The Reckoning, where they admit that they’re feeling different feelings 
• The Rumble, where they conduct a reality check on the narratives surrounding their struggles 
• The Revolution, where they rewrite their stories and transform their mindset on a foundational level 

If you’re struggling with no-mask anxiety — or any other effect of the pandemic — remember that you don’t have to wrestle the issue entirely on your own. 

Start your search for a therapist who can guide you through your struggle and help you live a more fulfilling life today. 

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.”                      -Robert Browning

Expectations

Relationships and marriages come with all sorts of expectations. We often hear the words “forever” and “lifetime” used when marriages are discussed. Up until quite recently, long-term monogamy has been set out as a goal for young people in committed relationships. The expectation is that we’ll love each other all of our lives, growing old together in wedded bliss. As a couples counselor, I frequently hear these expectations from clients in my office practice. Ideal love, romantic love, passion, desire, connection: will these last forever?

For some people, I think they will. However, there are a lot of variables that determine longevity in relationships. Expectations are one of them. Rigidity and unwillingness to change, grow, and adapt will definitely affect the longevity of a love relationship. We don’t remain the same people over the years. Not emotionally, not mentally, and certainly not physically. Age and time march on, and we are vulnerable to their impact on our lives and relationships.

Reality

The reality is that change is a constant. Our interactions and our experiences cause us to grow and evolve into the people that we become. If we are willing and open to it, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals and as a couple for the rest of our lives. There isn’t an age or time when learning and growth stops. It never needs to.

The secret to an enduring relationship is for both parties to accept the reality that their partner is not the same person they were 10, 20, 30 years ago, and neither are they. When a couple can accept this, they are able to embrace the changes in themselves and in their partner and treat them kindly throughout the process. The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with.

The problems come when one or both partners get stuck in their perception of the person that their significant other used to be. They fail to see that person’s change and growth. Or perhaps the individual themself is not open to growth and becomes stuck. They risk losing the relationship because they are not willing to accept the new changes in their partner nor support that growth.

Aging with a loving partner requires acceptance of physical changes, of an inability to do what we once did, and even of the mild to severe cognitive deficiencies that occur as we age. It takes a great deal of patience to deal with declining health issues or to show love when people are at their least lovable. But that’s when they need love the most.

Adapt and Thrive

It is possible to have a strong and loving relationship in your golden years. Understand that all relationships go through peaks and valleys, ups and downs. There will be times when you think all is lost. Other times you’ll feel like you want to stay like this forever. It’s all changeable; fluid and dynamic.

The best advice I can give my clients is to be grateful, to show appreciation, and to never take your loved one for granted. Try to stay in the habit of being kind to each other, no matter what is happening in this cycle of your lives together. Try to see that having someone in your life that you can love and that loves you back is a great gift.

Be willing to adapt to what’s needed. As you age, you’ll need to change your approach to just about everything in life as your physical abilities change. Sexuality is one area in which adaptability is crucial. You may need to use different positions, shorter sessions, or pharmaceutical intervention. But you don’t ever need to give up your sexual relationship unless you choose to. It can be a fulfilling and special part of your relationship until the end of life.

Topics of Conversation

Talk to one another about everything. Tell your partner what you need and encourage them to express their needs to you. Then set about meeting those needs. Give your partner what they need to continue to feel loved by you and to feel like you value them deeply. Show them every day how grateful you are to have them in your world.

The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with.Talk about the hard stuff too. When things are tough for them, be supportive. Don’t always try to fix things. Sometimes a listening ear is what they truly need. Talk about how you both can adapt and try to make things better going forward.

Encourage each other to feel important and loved. It’s hard to feel old and unattractive. Tell your partner that you still find them desirable. Show them.

Let your partner know that you still “see” them for who they are and love them even more now than you did then. Build each other up and spend quality time together. Have fun and laugh a lot. Talk about the future; make plans for your golden years that include loving interactions and new adventures.

Talk about your fears and plan for contingencies. You never know what life will throw at you next. The most important thing to remember is that you’re in this together. You’re stronger together.

Long-Term Monogamy

Through the ups and downs of your relationship, you’ve probably had attractions to other people. You may have had crushes and flirtations. It’s normal to experience this. We’re all human with basic sexual desires that can be triggered by someone other than our partner. The question is, what happens when you see a young attractive person? Do you act on that desire? Or do you realize that the best thing that ever happened to you is right there at home, and chuckle to yourself and move along home?

Long-term monogamy is a wonderful way to have a relationship. Monogamy can be sexy, exciting, and ultimately fulfilling. There’s something so wonderful about being in a relationship late in life where you can look back on decades of memories, shared experiences, and joy with a feeling of accomplishment that you saw it through the hard times and the good and made it all the way to your golden years together. You and your love can enjoy the end of your lives knowing you went through it all together and that you are stronger and more in love than ever.

In Peter Pan, the eponymous protagonist occupies a mythical placed called Never-Never Land, where children never grow up. While people with Peter Pan syndrome can and do become adults, they are stubbornly resistant to taking on the responsibilities of adulthood and adopting social norms associated with growing older.

Peter Pan syndrome, which is sometimes called failure to launch, is not a clinical diagnosis. Indeed, it may apply to a wide range of people and symptoms, from the 40-year-old woman who chooses not to work and instead lives with her mother, to the 30-year-old man who keeps having children for whom he provides little support.

Therapy can help people who feel uncomfortable growing up understand the root of their difficulties. With patience and hard work, they can transition toward happy adulthood and establish lasting relationships.

What is Peter Pan Syndrome?

Psychologist Dan Kiley coined the term Peter Pan syndrome in his 1983 book, Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up. Kiley worked with troubled teenage boys. He found that many grew into adult men who struggled to accept adult responsibilities.

Some characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome might include:

• Chronic unemployment or underemployment. An otherwise capable person may refuse to look for jobs. They may be constantly kicked out of jobs due to absenteeism or misbehavior.
• Not doing one’s fair share at home. A person might get married and have children, but spend most of their days playing video games while their partner works, cleans, and tends to the children.
• Relying on someone else to take care of financial responsibilities. A person with Peter Pan syndrome might rely on others to take care of money issues (without contributing something of value in return such as childcare).
• Failure to launch. A person may remain at home with their parents in spite of opportunities to earn money, get a job, or move out.

Kiley claimed the refusal to grow up is a primarily male affliction. He also believed women who “mother” their male partners—a complex he dubbed the Wendy dilemma—may enable these men to continue avoiding adult responsibilities. While both men and women can refuse to grow up, most literature on Peter Pan syndrome continues to focus on men.

What Causes Peter Pan Syndrome?

Peter Pan syndrome is not a clinically recognized diagnosis, and it is a newly identified syndrome. For these reasons, little research has explored the phenomenon. Some factors that may play a role in Peter Pan syndrome include:

• Gender roles: Women are often socialized to take on household responsibilities, do emotional labor, and care for children. This may make it easier for their male partners to abandon these duties and avoid adulthood.
• Anxiety: Adulthood can be challenging. It’s common to feel anxious about one’s ability to get a job, earn a living, or achieve other measures of success. When a viable path to escape these responsibilities is available—such as a responsible spouse or a parent who will tend to daily chores—some people may refuse to grow up.
• Loneliness: Psychologist Humbelina Robles Ortega suggests people with Peter Pan syndrome may fear loneliness. Thus, they continuously seek out people to care for them—usually romantic partners.
• Fear of commitment: People with Peter Pan syndrome often have a pattern of unstable relationships. They may form relationships with progressively younger partners, who they assume will have less plans for the future and require less investment.
• Helicopter Parenting: Ortega says overprotective parents can make their children excessively dependent. These children may fail to develop basic skills necessary for adulthood, which causes them to develop Peter Pan syndrome.
• Mental health diagnoses: Some research suggests men with Peter Pan syndrome may have personality disorders. For example, a 1982 study argued Peter Pan syndrome is often part of a complex family system in which the male partner has a narcissistic personality and the female partner is depressed.

Having “childish” interests—such as dolls or comic books—does not cause Peter Pan syndrome. Instead, this syndrome is about a refusal to take on responsibility and form reciprocal relationships.

What Maturity Means in a Cultural Context

The meaning of adulthood and maturity varies significantly across cultures. In some cultures, people live with their families for a lifetime and show their adulthood by marrying or having children.  In others, the hallmark of adulthood is the ability to live independently and away from one’s parents. Yet other cultures would consider living separately from one’s parents a sign of abandoning one’s duties to their family. In other words, the hallmark of this syndrome is not necessarily any single symptom, but instead a failure to adopt common norms of adulthood.

Some young people who appear to have Peter Pan syndrome may simply be taking longer to grow up due to forces outside their control.That said, the inability to leave home or find a spouse is not always proof that someone has Peter Pan syndrome. A person with a serious mobility impairment may need help from a caregiver to tend to daily tasks. The same level of help for someone who is not disabled would be inappropriate.

Complex sociological and economic factors can also delay when an individual reaches certain milestones. A 2013 people found young Americans are becoming financially independent at later ages than previous generations did. This is due in part to a shifting job market, increasing costs of education, rising rent prices, and many other factors. Financial dependency can in turn affect other milestones such as finding a spouse.

Some young people who appear to have Peter Pan syndrome may simply be taking longer to grow up due to forces outside their control. Financial status alone does not determine one’s maturity. Rather, adulthood is shown through a person’s willingness to work toward milestones and take responsibility for their actions.

Therapy for Peter Pan Syndrome

In many cases, an individual’s failure to grow up harms the people around them. The individual’s partner may feel overwhelmed and exhausted by taking on all household responsibilities. The person’s parents may take money from their retirement savings to continue providing material support.

Individuals with Peter Pan syndrome may not see their symptoms as problematic. Many only seek help when they lose a source of support or when their symptoms endanger their relationship. Loved ones struggling with someone else’s Peter Pan syndrome should know that drawing clear boundaries may encourage their loved one to seek help.

Family therapy or couples counseling can help an entire family understand their current dynamic. In therapy, they can address their own contributions and work toward healthier, more balanced relationships.

In individual counseling, a therapist can help a person understand their reluctance to grow up, tackle underlying factors such as trauma, and make a plan for transitioning to adulthood. Getting a job, forming a relationship, and becoming independent can feel like monumental tasks. The right therapist can break these tasks down into manageable steps, helping a person steadily improve their life.

References:

1. Arnett, J. J., & Galambos, N. L. (2003). Culture and conceptions of adulthood. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 100, 91-98. Retrieved from https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/1dd8/8dfff10bb9d61fdfa5aef2997a6c7fabbbe8.pdf
2. Carnevale, A. P., Hanson, A. R., & Gulish, A. (2013). Failure to launch: Structural shift and the new lost generation. Retrieved from https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED558185
3. Overprotecting parents can lead children to develop ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’. (2007, May 03). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070501112023.htm
4. Quadrio, C. (1982). The Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome: A marital dynamic. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 16(2), 23-28. Retrieved from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.3109/00048678209161187?journalCode=ianp20
5. Thomas, R. M., Jr. (1996, February 27). Dan Kiley, 54, dies; wrote ‘Peter Pan syndrome’. New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/1996/02/27/us/dan-kiley-54-dies-wrote-peter-pan-syndrome.html

When we think of developmental milestones, we often think of children. But a lot of people aren’t aware that we continue to experience change points in life as we grow and age. As part of these changes, we may face both internal and societal pressures to meet certain “typical” developmental milestones.

One of the expectations society tends to place on us during middle age is that we have reached the peak of our careers and the arc of our relationship and family development.

If you are reading this blog, then there is a good chance you are already all too aware that this expectation can leave many middle-aged single people feeling lost, isolated, and left out of the “race.”

It is easy for me to say things like, “We don’t all experience life in the same ways,” and “There is no one right way to live life.” But it’s not always easy to hear things like that when you’re the one who is single and looking all around you at social media posts and community members who seem to have it all. Seeing others succeeding in their relationships when you are single and don’t want to be can leave you feeling isolated and grossly left behind.

3 Feelings You May Have

1. Confusion

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Maybe you are a person who, by most standards, has your life together. Maybe you are gainfully employed, social, reasonably attractive, and willing to put yourself out there. But you still don’t seem to be meeting the right people, including someone who could be the true love mate you’re looking for.

You see all the people in your inner circle moving forward, buying second homes, and sending kids off to college. But you haven’t even met the person you are supposed to be with yet.

Your friends may boast about how amazing you are. They tell you how sure they are you will find the person who will love you until death do you part (if you are into that sort of thing). But their reassurances may actually make you feel worse.

If all the above variables are true, of course you are confused. Why wouldn’t you be? You are confused because you have done the work and put in the time. But you still feel, for some reason, it isn’t happening.

I want to validate for you here that feeling confused about why everyone around you seems to be “getting it” when you aren’t is normal. It’s human. And anyone else in your shoes would likely be confused, too.

It can help to lean into the confusion without judgment. Sometimes we simply don’t have the answers to why we are going through something in life until later down the road. By simply allowing the questions, without needing immediate answers, we can take some of the strain we are feeling down a few notches. Doing so can also help us have more compassion for ourselves. Confusion is valid, yes. Beating ourselves up for it is not likely to be helpful, though.

2. Fear

Fear is a part of life. We all experience it from time to time. You might fear never finding someone to date, let alone spend the rest of your life with. You are not alone in this. I have often heard people I’m working with in therapy and middle-aged friends who are single report fears of being alone forever. Some also say they have spent so much time alone they are afraid they’ve forgotten how to date or be in a relationship.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life.

It is normal to feel disappointed and afraid when life lands you in a spot you hadn’t expected. But it can be a good rule of thumb in these moments to take stock of the positive things you do have in your life. In some ways, your single status (while it may not be ideal) may have freed you up to do any number of things your partnered friends don’t have the financial freedom or time to enjoy.

The more you focus on the gifts of your current situation, the more likely you are to attract a partner. But not just any partner, the right partner—a person who will meet your already situated and joyful life.

The ideal relationship isn’t born out of desperation or fear. But one can certainly develop from the self-love and self-growth that stems from that initial fear.

3. Left behind

If you are middle-aged and single, it is likely that many of the people you know are in relationships or married, often with children. When a person has a partner, children, and a career to focus on, they may spend less time with their friends as a result. They might check in with their single friends even less. You may feel lonely as a result of these changes. But the changes don’t mean your friends with families have stopped caring about you. It just means their availability has changed.

But this type of relationship change, especially when it seems to happen with a lot of people at once, can leave a single person feeling forgotten, left out and sometimes even all alone. Even those who are fiercely independent and love their own company may find that over time, going to parties, baby showers, and weddings alone can become draining and exacerbate feelings of fear and confusion.

When you’re feeling left out or left behind, it can help to realize your friends have reached a phase in life where spending time with friends is no longer a priority. They are still your friends. But it might be time to consider taking steps to make more friends who are aligned with your current life path. Even a simple step, like joining a local group, taking an art or exercise class, or spending more time at your local coffee shop, can make a difference. It can also help to spend more time in places in your community, where the faces are familiar and new friendships can blossom.

Tips to Cope

Surrounding yourself with other people who are living a shared experience may help you feel better about your current situation. This shift alone can help alter the feelings of being isolated or “different” that can come up as you go through a phase of life that is not the same as that of the people around you.

It can also help to keep the following in mind:

• Remember that social media isn’t reality. People may post pictures and weekly updates detailing how amazing their lives and families are on social media, but these photos don’t always tell the whole story. I know many people who have difficult living situations and still post happy pictures on social media. It can help to remember that you probably don’t know anyone’s full story.
• Remember you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only person who has been in your situation, and you also aren’t the only person in a similar situation at this time. While it is entirely normal to feel alone if your current life experience isn’t the majority experience, it doesn’t mean you are actually alone. Just remembering that can have a big difference on your current feelings and future outlook.
• Remember we all go through difficult periods in life. All of us face challenges. These challenges may differ from person to person, but everyone experiences times in life when they are up and times when they are down. Going through a down cycle today does not mean your time isn’t just around the corner. Stay positive, but stay grounded. The best time of your life may be waiting around the corner.

If you struggle with working through concerns related to relationships, singlehood, or aging on your own, a compassionate, qualified counselor can provide support and guidance.

You’ve come to therapy to build healthier relationships with your loved ones. In the process, you surprise yourself by developing a healthier relationship with yourself. You begin to understand your needs and motivations, which helps you see your family, friends, and romantic partners more clearly. You learn to be accountable for yourself, which leads you to alter behavioral patterns and set boundaries that impact communication and connection.

And then you get pushback. The people in your life—even the ones who encourage your desire for self-improvement—aren’t accustomed to your new way of doing things. They continue to react to you as if you were still engaging in previous “bad habits.” They feel uncomfortable when you discuss your emotions. They take it personally when you prioritize your needs over theirs.

Often, this pushback is not a conscious effort to undermine your improvement but a natural response to change. Homeostasis, the inherent tendency to maintain consistency in both our internal and external environments, can keep relationships stuck and constrain growth. With some forethought, though, you can prepare yourself for pushback and keep moving forward.

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1. Prepare to feel frustrated when people around you don’t support your self-improvement journey. You know how hard you work each day to replace old habits with healthier ones. You feel the benefits of your efforts and are excited to be on track to creating the life you want. But just because you recognize how far you’ve come and where you’re headed doesn’t mean anyone else will want to join you on your path. They may not be ready for that kind of work, or they may not recognize the value in it. It may even feel threatening to them. So be mindful of your expectations of others and practice acceptance of their current level of self-awareness.
2. Prepare to disappoint someone when you set a boundary. If you’ve made a habit out of bending over backward for people and taking on more than your share of responsibility, people will come to expect that of you. Once you learn to say no, coworkers and friends may experience a loss and feel distressed about having to learn a new way to get their needs met. You might feel guilty for contributing to their discomfort, but that shouldn’t negate the significance of choosing to take care of yourself.
3. Prepare to seek support outside of your current relationships. Your friends and family may need time to accept and adapt to the new you. You may need to find other people who can help you stay motivated. Look for organizations or support groups that include like-minded people or find a therapist who can support your individual health. Find a way to remind yourself why your effort is important.
   If self-care is perceived as selfish, explain to your loved ones how it facilitates providing for their needs. Be willing to teach those around you about the benefits of self-awareness and self-soothing if they’re not prioritized in your community.
4. Prepare to communicate with those closest to you about your need for support. The people around you may not understand what they can do to support you or how their behavior creates an obstacle. Take the time to help your loved ones understand the evolution you’re experiencing and how you hope to enrich your relationships with them. With greater insight into your needs, perhaps they will be motivated to reinforce your efforts; perhaps they’ll want to make a change of their own.
5. Prepare to walk away from relationships or situations that no longer serve you. Once you learn to love and accept yourself for who you really are, it becomes much harder to remain in toxic environments that do nothing but compromise your self-respect. Recognize what you’re willing to tolerate and what is harmful to you. Don’t hesitate to take the opportunity to separate yourself from people and situations that don’t align with the person you’re becoming.
6. Prepare to protect your emotional safety within your cultural or family context. Depending on your cultural or family background, patterns of behavior or expectations may exist that cannot be easily influenced. Assuming you’re not in physical danger, you might consider the ways you can assert your needs within the current framework.

To receive validation for your most authentic self, outside support may be your best option. However, identifying even one person on the inside with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings may help you feel less alone. If self-care is perceived as selfish, explain to your loved ones how it facilitates providing for their needs. Be willing to teach those around you about the benefits of self-awareness and self-soothing if they’re not prioritized in your community. Pinpoint the small ways you can safeguard your well-being when large-scale change feels out of reach.

You don’t exist in a vacuum. The contexts you live in and the people who surround you naturally impact your ability to sustain growth. If you approach the intersection of yourself and your environment with an open mind, you can recognize the gaps in your resources and identify the solutions that will keep you on your path to healing.

We all reach a point in our lives where our decisions inevitably create profound changes in our hearts, our minds, and our world. In many cases, fear can be the charging force pushing the direction of our thoughts, dictating our movements. Sometimes our fears are hidden. Sometimes we are simply not ready to confront them.

But eventually, we all come to a crossroads where we need to make life-changing decisions, regardless of our fears. At this point, the direction of our movement must encompass confronting our hidden fears and the other feelings that play a powerful role in our decision-making.

Fear of the unknown can shake our resolve in moving forward as we begin to face the heart-pounding moments that inform our actions.

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Our decisions are unconsciously influenced by our experiences during childhood, adolescence, and adult life. We grow up in survival mode, learning to protect ourselves from the verbal, physical, and emotional onslaught of our parents, siblings, teachers, schoolyard bullies, and others.

These learned survival traits compound and confuse our thinking of who we are and the direction of our lives. They affect our daily actions, at times giving us distressing results in our confrontations, causing us to begin asking more contemplative questions at new crossroads: How do I decide what to do? What is my problem? Where do I look for helpful information? Why is it so important to know about my past? Who can help me with my decisions? When should I begin the search? Such thoughts radiate through our decision-making both internally and outwardly.

As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

Whether we are sitting in our car at a crossroad to an unknown destination or at a crossroad in our mind confronting a fear resulting from an experience, can we determine who we are and what we are all about? What does all of this mean for us?

It means courage. As we walk through life, we carry our failures, losses, hurts, and other issues experienced while growing up with family or alone. We ask ourselves, “Am I any good? Am I worthwhile? Am I broken?”

These are scary and real questions that may present themselves at a crossroad. How do we explore thoughts and confront fears resulting from our actions, or the actions of others that have affected our lives?

Here are four simplified steps that can help:

1. One needs to explore the ways we protect ourselves unconsciously from the anxiety of recognizing singular or multiple traumatic events that have shaped our decision-making. We do this to defend against a fear or other troubling emotion which becomes the catalyst for our actions.
2. In my therapeutic experience, when looking at unconscious fears that interfere with our decision-making, it’s advisable to attempt to understand one issue at a time. Otherwise, we may experience frustration, aggravation, and other emotions, resulting in nothing being done at all.
3. Once the issue is brought into the light, exploration of our feelings can be utilized using “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” and “why” to try to understand how our unconscious manipulates our thoughts and emotions. Recognizing our basic emotions and understanding them is just as important as being able to accept the defenses we utilize in protecting our fears. We often experience interacting emotions, producing thoughts that may result in anxiety, anger, apathy, despair, doubt, and indecision. We direct ourselves to play out emotional entanglements by interjecting ourselves into circumstances we have unconsciously designed. The emotions and fears we deal with unconsciously affect the decisions we make as we travel forward into the crossroads of our lives.
4. Once we understand our feelings and survival techniques, goals can be visualized, empowering us to resolve the fears that have impeded our decisions. In turn, we are able to move forward. The many crossroads encountered in life can help us strengthen our belief about ourselves.

The most recent crossroad I have confronted was related to heart surgery. It was determined on the operating table that the surgery could not be performed because my heart was covered by plaque, closing my aortic valve by more than two-thirds. If surgery continued, a stroke most likely would have occurred since the procedure for this type of surgery was so recently developed.

Afterward, I was informed there are surgeons currently in training to perform this next level of operation. So I wrestled with two decisions: Wait for the training to finish and risk having the surgery, or do nothing and let go.

This life decision was not easy, as it affected not just myself but my family. In the end, I elected to let go of the surgery. In coming to terms with this decision, I have become more comfortable with managing this arduous crossroad.

The life-changing decisions and crossroads we experience are different for all of us. Trying to use complicated methods to explore our issues can result in the opposite of the desired goal. A simplified approach to understanding who and what we are about may have a greater positive influence on the changes in our life and the decisions we make.

We’ve probably all had this experience: Life is rippling along like a sweet summer brook, and then a sudden storm of change shows up and disrupts the serenity. Old enemies we think we’ve defeated—fear and insecurity, for example—return, throwing us off kilter. Our minds frantically try to find a solution to “fix” the issue, the challenge, the perceived problem, adding to our internal chaos.

How do we stay calm, cool, and collected when we find the world around us has become chaotic and out of control? How do we learn to stare down any situation with inner peace and an ability to remain tranquil?

Build an Inner Sanctuary

One of the first things we can do when attempting to navigate a bumpy crossroads is build an inner place of peace. Taking time to cultivate a practice of quiet breathing and sitting still for long enough to feel a sense of sacred space within can offer significant benefit in times of turmoil and stress. Our subtle energies are just as essential to our well-being as activities such as eating, sleeping, and exercising are. [fat_widget_right]

Modern society often yanks at our attention, conning us into thinking it’s critical to answer emails or respond to social media posts and messages immediately and that these activities would serve us better than shutting our devices down and making time to go within ourselves. However, taking a break from mental and physical demands for even 15 to 20 minutes a day can help re-establish a sense of internal balance, renewing our relationship with ourselves and helping us reconnect. We make sure to spend time with our loved ones, so why do we neglect developing a relationship with ourselves?

Let Go of Judgment

Instead of judging ourselves and our emotions, we can work to accept them by recognizing them for what they are instead of viewing them as the sum of us. We are not the valleys and peaks, but the steady soil that lies underneath, supporting each shift in the topography.

We make sure to spend time with our loved ones, so why do we neglect developing a relationship with ourselves?

When we stop condemning ourselves and begin to understand we are loved and supported by the universe, fear often subsides, allowing us to keep a clear mind and make decisions both healthy and in our best interest. Living in a constant state of emotional mayhem is exhausting and can contribute to the confusion we are often more likely to experience during difficult times in our lives.

Examine emotions directly, then step back and take a moment to breathe and settle in before succumbing to anger or fear. It’s not that we should never feel these emotions, but rather that we must learn to respond to them differently. Letting go of judgment helps us become more of a witness to an experience than an active participant in the drama of challenging events.

Be Aware of Thoughts to Create Change

We might feel we have no control over our thinking but in actuality, we do. Even those diagnosed with an obsessive-compulsive disorder can often learn, with positive behavior modification and therapy, to embrace thought patterns and harness healthy thinking. By loving ourselves and letting go of the inner critic, we can learn to sweep away the stories that keep us feeling powerless.

How do we do this? How do we change our thoughts? It’s possible by being aware of them, realizing many of them stem from fear and insecurity, and replacing these feelings with understanding, kindness, or love. Remember Henny Penny, the chicken who ran around screaming, “The sky is falling” when in reality it wasn’t? When we choose to focus on the here and now, instead of fearing what may be, we are likely to feel re-rooted in what is real, not what is projected.

The only person or thing we can control is our own self. We are not able to stop a jealous sister or brother or friend from snarling at us, but we can choose to not respond or to calmly have a discussion with them. When a car cuts us off on the freeway or a stranger hurls a sarcastic remark at us, we can practice loving-kindness to maintain a calm interior and avoid engaging in the same behavior.

Acceptance does not come naturally to most of us. It takes practice. However, it can be learned and, if implemented, is likely to become a beneficial habit. If we let others govern our thoughts and choices, we will be pulled and splintered. Realizing no one can push us off balance without our permission helps us understand the only way we can “fix” a situation is by accepting it.

That does not mean we have to put up with abusive behavior, it simply means we understand it is the person who is abusive, not us, who has the problem. Acceptance stops us from being judgmental over incidentals and things we have no control over—bad weather, inconveniences, a disgruntled person. We can choose to be happy and uplifting despite rain, a missed bus, or grumpy behavior.

Life is dynamic and ever-changing. Events both good and bad are likely to hurtle toward us without a moment’s notice. We may be sailing smoothly along when suddenly we are thrown into a hurricane of sick loved ones, personal illness, financial troubles, and so on. But when we realize we can build a sacred space within and find safe harbor from which to watch the storm pass, we may be able to find peace and harmony, no matter the circumstances.

How do you know what to commit to in your life, or what choices to make? What romantic interest, job, friend, trip, or task do you choose? There are so many options. How do you know how to make the right choice? What does choosing “right” even mean? Options and choices can lead to feelings of overwhelm and confusion. Feeling confused, in turn, can lead to stagnation because of indecision. Lately, I hear smart, driven people say they are so nervous about making the wrong choice, they’re making no choice. This is a problem in and of itself. When you are not making choices in life, you can’t make progress. Your choices create the flow in your life.

No choice, no flow.

I have held, and still do hold resistance to commitment. My natural tendency is to live more as a “free bird,” meaning I desire to go with the flow, take off on a whim, adventure, and sway away from a concrete plan. I love when choices reveal themselves to me. I love the organic nature of how life shows me what direction to go, although there are times when a straightforward decision is called for. So, what do you do then? What do you do when you need to make a clear choice?

Focus on the Now

When I’m making a choice and I look into the future of how the decision can affect my future and everyone in it, I begin to feel paralyzed. The fear that arises from focusing on the hypothetical future if I make a choice is just not a healthy approach. Instead, focus on the now and how that choice is going to affect you in the present. Your present reality is all you have, and all you need. Do your best to get in tune with what you are feeling and make the best choice you know how to make in the now considering what feels right.

[fat_widget_right]Ditch the Past

The past is generally a good predictor of what to expect and what is to come. However, sometimes there is no relevant connection from the present to the past, and it’s not productive to seek one. Looking at each choice you make with current and fresh eyes is a centered and more realistic approach. Being mindful not to bring the past into your current experience is a more positive way to approach life. Living in the “what used to be” or the “what might be” is a surefire way not to live in the now.

Take a Step Back

Breathe. Take a break. Remove yourself from the situation. Focus on something totally different. Get a good night’s rest. Have fun. Take a trip. Very often when you are unsure of what move to make, allowing yourself to step away from the decision-making process can help you see things with more clarity. I’ve made the most monumental decisions in my life just after returning from trips. I go into the trip confused, unsure, and stressed about what to do. Magically, sometime during the trip or in reflection when I get back, I feel clearer about what I want to do. I’ve moved cities, quit jobs, and pressed some major reset buttons for my life after giving myself time away from the issue.

Trust Something Bigger

I know this is easier said than done, but try not to put so much pressure on yourself toward “figuring it all out.” Yes, you have choices and decisions in life to make, but there are also outside, higher-power forces that are bigger than you and your decisions. These forces show up as coincidences; missed trains, planes and buses; ironic happenings; etc. Letting go of the perspective that you have to do 100% of the action toward making something happen goes against the natural flow of life. Sometimes things, opportunities, and people fall into our lives without any work on our part. Trust that. When you do your best to live a life that feels good, these happenings occur with a lot more frequency.

Recognize Very Few Things Are Permanent

As we make decisions, it’s easy to get caught in the permanence of it all. The thing is, very few things in life are permanent. Many choices can be revised down the road and changed. For example, if you moved cities and it’s not the life you envisioned, move again. You’re dating someone and he/she is not what you initially thought, break up and switch it up. You started a career and it’s wearing on you to show up each day, start something different.

I understand, with compassion, that it’s far more complicated than those easy-breezy solutions. The point to take away from this is that it’s not impossible. People make major changes every day and survive. Very often, when you gain the confidence and trust to jump into the unknown, wonderful things are waiting for you once you land. I’ve yet to meet someone who moved away from a draining situation and regretted it.  Very often, it’s not one choice that will make or break you. Choices, usually, are small. You get the freedom to make choices for yourself all day long. One positive choice followed by another will lead you in a positive direction. By practicing decision-making with small choices, you have already carved out a positive path to walk. This lessens the confusion around a decision and leaves you with the control to make the best decision you know how to make at the given time. After you complete that step, you get to sit back and allow life to show you the way. Your awareness of who and what is around you will help you with your decision-making.  You got this.

By nature, humans are emotional creatures. When things are going well, you are likely to experience positive emotions that often lead to increased motivation and productivity. However, in times of hardship or stress, it can be challenging to leave negative feelings at home and keep them from impacting your work.

Whether you work in an office or from home, staying productive in times of personal crisis is no easy task. When a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, a pet passes away, or your partner loses a job, the added stress, grief, or anxiety can be distracting and sometimes even debilitating.

At some point, you may face a time when life stressors come up, and you may not be able to put your professional life on hold. Here are 11 tips to help you stay focused and remain productive in a time of personal crisis.

1. Adjust Your Schedule

In a time of crisis, you may need to adjust your schedule to accommodate personal matters. Time management is key to maintaining your professional life when your personal life requires more attention than usual.

Take a look at your schedule and see how you can adapt it. In medical situations, you may need to attend health appointments in the mornings and work later in the afternoon, or vice versa. Try to plan your day efficiently to maximize the value of the time you are able to put in at work. Consider scheduling your time in blocks with frequent breaks. Taking a break can help you reset and prevent emotional overwhelm.

2. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for not performing as well as you think you should. Remember: you are human. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, anxious about a medical diagnosis, or stressed about some other personal matter, allow yourself to recognize your emotions as a normal part of the experience.

Feeling distracted or foggy during stressful times is not uncommon. It may take time to bounce back, so give yourself a break. Honor your feelings and do the best you can under the circumstances. Praise yourself for what you do manage to accomplish rather than feeling frustrated by any difficulties you may be experiencing.

Amy Armstrong, LPC, suggests embracing difficult emotions rather than suppressing them.

“For many of us, it’s tempting to tamp down those unpleasant feelings and hide them. This usually just increases your stress levels,” Armstrong said. “Confide in friends you trust. Get professional or peer support, if you are comfortable with that. Go for a run. Have a good cry. Most importantly: feel what you need to feel and let it out. I’m not advising anyone to freely cry at their desk because that can be problematic in other ways, but it’s important to own your feelings and give yourself an outlet. If you can do it in a fairly controlled way, those emotions are less likely to just pop up in places where they are less helpful to you—like in the middle of a stressful meeting.

3. Share with Discernment

[fat_widget_right]When times are tough, talking about your situation can provide you with support and help you process your emotions. However, it is important to use discernment when sharing personal details.

Depending on your situation, you might be obligated to share some information with your supervisor, but you may want to be more cautious when sharing information with coworkers.

Ask yourself how sharing this information could impact the relationship and your personal situation. Do you work in the type of workplace that is friendly and open with personal concerns? Are you prepared to hear any advice or input your coworkers may have about your situation? How might telling your coworkers impact your performance at work?

In some instances, sharing your situation with your colleagues may make things easier for you. In others, it could become more challenging. Consider the effects and use discernment before you choose to share.

4. Practice Living in the Moment

Meditation and mindfulness practices can help you embrace the moment and find feelings of inner peace and acceptance even during the hardest of times. By practicing being present, you can prevent yourself from ruminating about your problems, dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. A daily meditation practice can help you to remain mindful and present at work and help you stay focused on the task at hand.

It may also be helpful to reframe your time at work as an escape from what is happening in your personal life. Focusing on another task can provide temporary relief from any turmoil or crisis you may be dealing with at home.

5. Use Your Support System

Sometimes it can be tough to ask for help from others, even when it is needed the most. If you are dealing with a crisis, it can be very difficult to stay productive without a solid support system. Seek out the people in your life who you can count on during times of hardship and reach out to them. Perhaps you need someone to take your child to school, prepare meals, clean the house, or just to listen to you. If you try to maintain everything on your own, you’re more likely to experience emotional overwhelm, which will not only increase your stress, but it can wind up making you less productive in the long run.

6. Prioritize and Delegate

Recognize that your productivity potential will likely be lower during times of crisis. So make the best use of the productivity you have by prioritizing your tasks. Create to-do lists and prioritize the most important tasks first.

“Even though it’s difficult, this is a time to be diligent about saying no to extra commitments to people in your personal and professional life,” Armstrong said. “You’ve gone the extra mile for others when they were having difficulties, and you can do so again, but this isn’t the time.”

Delegating tasks to others can also be helpful. Look to your co-workers for assistance when possible, rather than trying to conquer everything on your own.

7. Practice Self-Care

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever. Do your best to take good care of yourself. Remember to eat healthy foods, exercise, and take time to rest.

“Self-care during times of personal crisis is crucial,” Armstrong said. “Don’t skimp on things like sleep, baths, workouts, walks, massages, or just time spent kind of zoning out for 10 minutes. Taking the time to take care of yourself is the best investment you can make during difficult times. It helps you maintain your resilience (and your sense of humor) when you need it the most.”

8. Acknowledge Difficult Days

Remember you are human. You are allowed to feel emotions. Some days will be more difficult than others. There may be days when you don’t have the strength to get out of bed. Even when you’re trying so hard to focus on what’s important, some tasks may slip your mind, and that’s okay.

“Even though it may sound selfish and may seem like everyone says this, if you are going through a personal crisis, you need to make sure that you put yourself first and are honest about what you can and cannot do,” Armstrong said.

Don’t berate yourself for your feelings. Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions at the surface, knowing that everything passes in time.

9. Choose Positive Coping Skills

Stress often makes it easier to reach for a vice. Whether it’s smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, overspending, gambling, or some other addictive habit, everyone has weaknesses. While vices may relieve some stressful feelings immediately, they usually wind up making things worse and increasing stress over time.

Rather than engaging in a bad habit, use positive coping mechanisms to deal with your stress. These might include spending time with loved ones, exercising, eating a healthy and delicious meal, napping, meditating, trying a new hobby, or working on a creative activity.

10. Take Some Time Off

As much as you might want to be productive, sometimes it is necessary to take some time off to heal. If things get too challenging to maintain, use some of your vacation or sick days and take some time away from work.

Though Armstrong advocates for a combination of an improved self-care routine, increased exercise, and therapy, she suggests people do an honest self-assessment on how they’re coping with everything.

When you are under a large amount of stress, it can be easy to forget about the importance of taking care of yourself. In times of crisis, people tend to be more vulnerable and self-care may be more important than ever.“If you are seriously considering taking a leave of absence from work, talk to your doctor and mental health professional as soon as possible regarding appropriate documentation. Also, contact your Human Resources department regarding the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA),” Armstrong said. “Do not tell your manager or co-workers about your personal crisis. It may seem tempting, but if you are considering a leave of absence, it is crucial that all of your information remain confidential and that starts with you. Even the Human Resources department should only be provided with the minimum amount of documentation required to substantiate your request for leave, and all of that should come from medical professionals, not you. It’s important to remember this because even though nobody is supposed to press you for details, they often do.”

Armstrong suggests the best time to request a leave of absence is before a personal crisis starts to affect your work performance. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from your employer. Oftentimes, people will be willing to work with you to come up with a solution that works for everyone. Many people may feel guilty for missing work, but remember emotional crises can sometimes be as debilitating as physical illnesses, and some time off may be the best way to start the healing process.

11. See a Therapist or Attend a Support Group

Therapists and counselors play an important role in helping people cope with a crisis. Psychotherapy can help individuals assess their situation and create positive coping skills to manage their stress.

Support groups can also be a valuable means of support. They are widely available for those facing many different life challenges, from cancer to divorce to drug addiction. Whatever you’re dealing with, being able to talk with another person who can empathize with your situation can be helpful.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are understandably grieving. You’ve lost your partner unexpectedly, and if that weren’t enough to cope with, you are also trying to take care of your grieving children—who are likely trying to make sense of an incomprehensible situation. Of course you are struggling.

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You get overwhelmed because your reserves of emotional energy are depleted. Having enough to give to three children is challenging in the best of circumstances. Finding ways to give under these circumstances requires superhuman strength. Additionally, if you are feeling bad about taking time for yourself, that “me time” people recommend isn’t replenishing you but rather adding guilty feelings to the mix. I’d be surprised if you weren’t struggling.

Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

You ask if you are afraid of losing your children or afraid they will bring painful memories of your husband. You also wonder if your anger is a factor. The answers are inside you, but based on what you’ve related, in all likelihood yes—to all of it, and probably more. Your world has changed swiftly and dramatically, and not by any choice of your own. Feeling lost and disconnected and sad and angry are absolutely natural responses to all of this. Grief is complex.

The stages of grief—denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance—do not necessarily flow smoothly or quickly. Many people move from one stage to another and back again as memories and feelings are triggered. There is no timeline for moving through your grief and integrating it. Time will help, but so will finding the right kind of support.

If you haven’t already started working with a therapist in your area, I recommend that you find one for yourself and for your children, either together or separately. Having a safe and supportive place to work through all the feelings that come with such a loss and major life transition can help you heal and find your way back to your children … and yourself.

Best of luck,
Erika