by Nicole Urdang, MS, NCC, DHM, LMHC, in Buffalo, New York

Maiden, Mother & Crone Archetypes for Mental Health

You don’t have to be a neopaganist to appreciate the beauty of the ancient archetypes of Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Each life phase has its own role and responsibilities, and each is valued equally.

An Overview

The Maiden

The innocent and energetic maiden explores life with young eyes. It’s a time of firsts: first period, love interest, dreams, and passions. This age is marked by curiosity about almost everything. It’s a time of discovery, early exploration of the self, and choosing initial life paths.

The Mother

The mother archetype does not just refer to women who give birth or choose to adopt. This age is marked by a deepening awareness of maternal, loving, giving, feminine energy. This nurturing can appear in creative endeavors, parenting, social connections, and learning. It has a vibrancy and strong forward-moving energy. Perimenopause occurs in the latter part of this phase. Here, the tasks are sharing knowledge, mentoring, greater or lesser community involvement, and reflecting on the past, present, and future.

The Crone

The crone archetype is notable for the way it integrates what has preceded it. Physically, it is marked by menopause. While physical energy may have waned, there is a trove of life experience on which to draw. New possibilities include more time for introspection, greater self-confidence, stillness, greater interest in meditation, and a newfound appreciation of the simplest pleasures.

It can also be a time of grieving — not just of the aging process, itself, but of other losses as well. This allows space to let go of past patterns, roles, and dreams that may no longer be possible. The greatest gift of the crone is feeling freer and safer to be oneself.

Engaging with These Archetypes

By embracing each stage as you progress through life, you inhabit your truest self and prepare for the next phase.

While no life transition is especially easy to navigate, women entering the third age have a particularly difficult time in our culture as we are bombarded by messages that say we should stay young. Exactly the opposite advice that would help us move forward.

As with most life decisions, there are no cookie-cutter answers about how to live in each phase. One woman’s choices might be completely wrong for another. The hard part of continuing to evolve into your unique self is deeply listening to your own inner guides. Of course, they sometimes pepper you with conflicting messages, but if you’re patient and willing to wait, the path becomes clear.

Want help making peace with your life or support as you make hard decisions? Search for a therapist who can help.

Reflections on Cronehood

I was sitting in the park yesterday, the paradigm of a little old lady on a bench, and I felt an incredible sense of freedom. With no pressure to be physically appealing to anybody and not looking for anyone to complete me, I felt fully myself. It was a glorious experience. Embracing my cronehood. Who knew?

Every single thing I have ever been led to believe about being an old woman evaporated in that moment. I felt seen. People smiled at me, and one young man sat with me to chat for a little while.

I like to remind myself that Yoda and ET weren’t beautiful, yet they were wise, loving, and fully present — not to mention respected and loved.

In my younger years, I enjoyed many aspects of the maiden and mother roles. Now, it’s time to take off those mantles and allow this stage to unfold. I have no interest in chasing a youth that at 68 is truly behind me. And what is “young at heart” anyway? I want to be wise, compassionate, generous, and kind at heart. I couldn’t give a rat’s meow about being or looking young. I want to be what I am: an old woman.

It’s hard, though. The media show me pictures of women my age who — through all sorts of machinations — look a lot younger. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be vibrant and healthy, but I can be those things at 68 and look my age. I don’t want to be young again. Been there, done that. What’s interesting is discovering this third age. I love sharing my experience of 45+ years as a holistic psychotherapist.

Life Wisdom for the Crone

Someone very wise once said to me that if I were comfortable with my choices, the chances are other people would be, too. Not only have I found that to be true, but by living my most authentic life I give people a cosmic permission slip to live theirs.

We all need examples of what’s possible. Thankfully, I have seen other older women do their own thing and find it incredibly inspiring. I can only hope my ways will inspire people to feel good about their choices, even when they go against the prevailing societal tides.

This third age can be a fertile time full of discovery. That may manifest as trying new things externally, plumbing your own depths, or a combination of both.

For many women, it might entail long periods of rest. Even though that can feel “unproductive,” it may prove to be just the peaceful, healing break your body-mind-spirit needs.

Aging with Awareness and Self-Compassion

Like an old injury that still might be seen in a faint scar on your body, some things naturally lessen over time. Other issues, like childhood trauma, keep paying emotional dividends. It’s never too late to get good therapy. You can evolve until you drop the body.

One of the biggest challenges in life is fully accepting whatever stage you’re in and allowing the present to unfold with new possibilities. This process can happen as we grow out of things naturally and organically, or through therapy.

When it comes to entering the crone age and swimming against the tide of our youth-oriented culture, that may entail a conscious, concerted effort to be your true self. This is never easy. It’s even more challenging when you’re aging in an age-denying society where media bombards you 24 hours a day. Still, it can be done. The effort is worth the reward of authenticity. In addition, you can be a beacon to younger people by showing them what it means to age with some measure of grace and acceptance.

Of course, it’s also important to be honest about the challenges of aging, just as it is to be present with the tasks of maidenhood and motherhood. No stage is easy, but by navigating them with awareness and not hiding behind a facade of everything being all good all the time, we can support each other in a new compassionate way. 

Finding a therapist who can help you navigate the challenges of life’s bumps, twists, and turns can be incredibly helpful to embracing the stage you’re in. Search for therapists in your area, then narrow your search using the filters on the left of your search results. If you’re looking for help with accepting your cronehood, you might use the Common Specialties filter, selecting All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues to see your options.

Talking to Your Boomer Parents About Therapy 

While the stigma surrounding mental health has dissipated in recent years, many members of society — and the older generation, in particular — are still reluctant to seek out the help they need. 

For example, one recent study found that while two out of every three baby boomers live with mental health issues, many brush them off entirely. More specifically, 27 percent don’t tell anyone about their symptoms, and 22 percent believe that these conditions aren’t serious. 

This makes perfect sense given that boomers, who were born between 1946 and 1964, grew up in a time when mental illness was generally a taboo topic. Many of this generation were raised to think that it was wrong to talk about perceived “weaknesses” and that they should toughen up and deal with these issues internally.  

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best approach.  

If you’re wondering how to deal with a parent with mental illnesses, you’ve come to the right place. Before we examine what you can do, specifically, to encourage your parents to give therapy a try, let’s take a step back and take a look at some of the major drivers of mental health issues in baby boomers. 

What Causes Mental Health Issues in Baby Boomers? 

While some baby boomers might have struggled with mental health illnesses their whole lives, others may develop new conditions as time goes on. 

Here are some of the most common conditions boomer parents face — as well as some of the reasons why they come to the surface in the first place: 

• Depression. Whether boomers are losing their mobility in their older years, have chronic debilitating conditions, or are dealing with the loss of loved ones, it’s not uncommon for them to develop depression in their later years. Similarly, some parents might also look back on their lives and see that they didn’t live up to their potential, made mistakes, or are still angry about something that happened decades ago, and it puts them in a dark place.
   
• Anxiety. A traumatic event (e.g., a car accident), social isolation (e.g., children growing up and visiting less frequently), or financial concerns that come from a loss of a full-time income can cause some boomers to suffer from anxiety disorders. To this end, it comes as no surprise that one study found that 40 percent of boomers said they were anxious or depressed during the COVID-19 pandemic.
   
• Substance abuse. With fewer responsibilities on their plates and more free time on their hands — and perhaps a bit of depression and anxiety thrown into the mix — it follows that some boomers develop substance abuse issues in their later years. Luckily, with therapy and determination, it’s possible to overcome these addictions.
   
• Dementia. According to the Alzheimer’s Research Association, one in eight baby boomers will get Alzheimer’s at some point in their lives, with 1 million individuals being diagnosed with the condition each year. While we’re optimistic our loved ones won’t be impacted directly, the odds that this will happen increase over time.  

In addition to these, boomers can also deal with interpersonal struggles as their relationships take on new dynamics. For example, a father’s “little girl” might be 50 all of a sudden, raising a family of her own while also taking care of dad as a member of the sandwich generation. In such a scenario, it can be difficult for some dads to understand how the father-daughter relationship has changed and respond appropriately to the associated developments. 

The good news is that — though aging boomer parents might develop mental illnesses — all hope isn’t lost. 

If you’re caring for aging parents with mental illness or other issues, here are some tactics you can use to help your parents sit down with a geriatric mental health counselor and get treatment. 

How to Deal with a Parent with Mental Illness 

Ensuring your loved one gets the help they need to keep their condition in check or even conquer it altogether starts with getting your mom or dad to buy into the promise of therapy. And this means that you will have to be direct with them and confront them on the issue sooner than later. 

For the best results, approach the situation with love and be as supportive as you possibly can. At the end of the day, you have to remember that you can’t force anyone to go to therapy if they absolutely don’t want to go — which means it might take some convincing to get boomer parents to finally oblige. 

As you begin making your pitch, tell your parents that while you respect their autonomy and everything they’ve done for you over the years, you’re sensing some issues they’re dealing with, and you love them and want to do everything you can to help them live their best lives. Gently suggest that they might want to consider talking to an experienced therapist about their issues a couple times to see whether the experience is worthwhile. 

No one has a better idea about how Mom or Dad might react better than you. At this stage in the conversation, you’ll want to be as empathetic as possible, turning on your active listening skills to really see things from their perspective and fully understand the emotions they’re dealing with. Don’t judge them and don’t give them advice. Just listen to understand. Once they feel thoroughly understood, the idea of therapy might not seem so outlandish anymore, and they might agree to check it out. 

Don’t Forget About Your Own Mental Health! 

Dealing with aging parents is not an easy time. Roles get reversed, health declines, and you’re increasingly tied up with work and kids.  

As you begin the process of convincing your boomer parent to sign up for therapy sessions, keep in mind that you yourself might benefit from therapy during this time, too. As an added bonus, you can use the fact that you’re using therapy as another arrow in the quiver for convincing them to give it a shot. 

Before moving the conversation forward, start searching for local therapists for you and your parents ahead of time. That way, you’re ready with a recommendation when your parents ultimately agree to try therapy. 

Whatever you decide, here’s to getting the treatment you both need to have a fantastic relationship for years to come! 

by Nicole Urdang, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, MS, NCC, DHM, in Buffalo, NY

Aging Wisely: Insight from the Buddha

I have an interpretation of the five remembrances I like to imagine. In it, the Buddha tells his monks about the five remembrances. 

He gathers them together early one morning and says, “Every day, before you get out of bed, I want you to remember these five things:

“I am of the nature to get sick and there is nothing I can do about it.

“I am of the nature to grow old and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

“I am of the nature to die and everything living eventually dies.

“Everyone I love everything I care about, including myself, is of the nature to change.

“All I have are the fruits of my labors.”(1)

The monks look at him incredulously and say, “Are you kidding? That’s really depressing. Why would we want to start our day like that?”

And the Buddha replies, “Because all of these things will happen. By acknowledging them every day and reminding yourself they are inevitable, you’re preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for life. You will not be surprised when difficulties appear. You still have to deal with them, but not with the additional pain of shock and anger that can come from denying reality.

“By understanding these are universal truths, you will not feel singled out for misery.”

Aging in the 21st Century 

We live in a culture of denial and distraction. We deny hunger, homelessness, and suffering; so, naturally, we deny our own aging bodies.

In the short run, this can feel beneficial, as it allows us to maintain the fiction that we are not moving towards an ultimate departure. But we are.

I think it’s far easier to adjust in little daily increments than to just suddenly be walloped with the realization that you have grown old. After all, you only have two choices: growing old or being dead.

Denial Doesn’t Work

Denial is hard to sustain forever. Eventually, the pigeons come home to roost. Then what? Then the shock is even greater.

It’s not easy growing old in a culture that decries it. The highest compliment someone can pay an older person is that they look young. 

3 Ways to Find Freedom Through Acceptance 

It’s not easy being human. It’s not easy growing older. The body does not get healthier as we age. There is a natural decline. This is life. Yes, it’s challenging. But denying it doesn’t make the challenges disappear. As a matter of fact, it’s a Sisyphean task to stem the tide of time. Ultimately, decrepitude and death win. Why not embrace the change? Why not give yourself all the cosmic permission slips that come with growing older? And what might they be — The joy of slowing down? The joy of caring less about what other people think of you? The joy of choosing what you want to do with your day? The joy of being rather than doing?

1. Be Present

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my tombstone to read she looked young until the day she died. What do you want to be remembered for? 

By allowing yourself to be fully present in whatever moment you’re experiencing, even if that’s aging naturally, you fully inhabit something new. This gives you the opportunity to create, explore, and celebrate an evolving version of yourself.

2. Be Aware

Of course, aging with awareness creates a huge shift in your self-perception on all levels: physically, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, financially, even spiritually. Youth and middle age had their challenges and delights. Aging simply has different discoveries and joys. By allowing them to work their magic, you can open up space to become a different version of yourself. This is heavy lifting in a society that exalts youth and extroversion, but it can be done. 

3. Be Yourself

“Be You” is the appropriate T-shirt design for any age. Trying to be the you you were years ago is frustrating, even depressing, and doesn’t allow you to fully embrace the you you are becoming with each new experience, including aging.

Give yourself the biggest gift you can: Love yourself just as you are this minute. If that seems impossible, have compassion for yourself as you learn to not just accept, but embrace different life lessons and experiences. 

Did you know there are psychotherapists with special expertise in helping you navigate your elder years? To find one near you, search for a therapist near you and filter your results by Age Group of Client(s) > Elders or Common Specialties > All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues. 

Footnotes

1 Hahn, T. N. (2002). No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life. Riverhead Books (147).

“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made.”                      -Robert Browning

Expectations

Relationships and marriages come with all sorts of expectations. We often hear the words “forever” and “lifetime” used when marriages are discussed. Up until quite recently, long-term monogamy has been set out as a goal for young people in committed relationships. The expectation is that we’ll love each other all of our lives, growing old together in wedded bliss. As a couples counselor, I frequently hear these expectations from clients in my office practice. Ideal love, romantic love, passion, desire, connection: will these last forever?

For some people, I think they will. However, there are a lot of variables that determine longevity in relationships. Expectations are one of them. Rigidity and unwillingness to change, grow, and adapt will definitely affect the longevity of a love relationship. We don’t remain the same people over the years. Not emotionally, not mentally, and certainly not physically. Age and time march on, and we are vulnerable to their impact on our lives and relationships.

Reality

The reality is that change is a constant. Our interactions and our experiences cause us to grow and evolve into the people that we become. If we are willing and open to it, we will continue to evolve and grow as individuals and as a couple for the rest of our lives. There isn’t an age or time when learning and growth stops. It never needs to.

The secret to an enduring relationship is for both parties to accept the reality that their partner is not the same person they were 10, 20, 30 years ago, and neither are they. When a couple can accept this, they are able to embrace the changes in themselves and in their partner and treat them kindly throughout the process. The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with.

The problems come when one or both partners get stuck in their perception of the person that their significant other used to be. They fail to see that person’s change and growth. Or perhaps the individual themself is not open to growth and becomes stuck. They risk losing the relationship because they are not willing to accept the new changes in their partner nor support that growth.

Aging with a loving partner requires acceptance of physical changes, of an inability to do what we once did, and even of the mild to severe cognitive deficiencies that occur as we age. It takes a great deal of patience to deal with declining health issues or to show love when people are at their least lovable. But that’s when they need love the most.

Adapt and Thrive

It is possible to have a strong and loving relationship in your golden years. Understand that all relationships go through peaks and valleys, ups and downs. There will be times when you think all is lost. Other times you’ll feel like you want to stay like this forever. It’s all changeable; fluid and dynamic.

The best advice I can give my clients is to be grateful, to show appreciation, and to never take your loved one for granted. Try to stay in the habit of being kind to each other, no matter what is happening in this cycle of your lives together. Try to see that having someone in your life that you can love and that loves you back is a great gift.

Be willing to adapt to what’s needed. As you age, you’ll need to change your approach to just about everything in life as your physical abilities change. Sexuality is one area in which adaptability is crucial. You may need to use different positions, shorter sessions, or pharmaceutical intervention. But you don’t ever need to give up your sexual relationship unless you choose to. It can be a fulfilling and special part of your relationship until the end of life.

Topics of Conversation

Talk to one another about everything. Tell your partner what you need and encourage them to express their needs to you. Then set about meeting those needs. Give your partner what they need to continue to feel loved by you and to feel like you value them deeply. Show them every day how grateful you are to have them in your world.

The excitement in an authentic long-term relationship is that you get to be with a new person throughout that timeline. Every person your partner becomes is someone new to discover and to fall more deeply in love with.Talk about the hard stuff too. When things are tough for them, be supportive. Don’t always try to fix things. Sometimes a listening ear is what they truly need. Talk about how you both can adapt and try to make things better going forward.

Encourage each other to feel important and loved. It’s hard to feel old and unattractive. Tell your partner that you still find them desirable. Show them.

Let your partner know that you still “see” them for who they are and love them even more now than you did then. Build each other up and spend quality time together. Have fun and laugh a lot. Talk about the future; make plans for your golden years that include loving interactions and new adventures.

Talk about your fears and plan for contingencies. You never know what life will throw at you next. The most important thing to remember is that you’re in this together. You’re stronger together.

Long-Term Monogamy

Through the ups and downs of your relationship, you’ve probably had attractions to other people. You may have had crushes and flirtations. It’s normal to experience this. We’re all human with basic sexual desires that can be triggered by someone other than our partner. The question is, what happens when you see a young attractive person? Do you act on that desire? Or do you realize that the best thing that ever happened to you is right there at home, and chuckle to yourself and move along home?

Long-term monogamy is a wonderful way to have a relationship. Monogamy can be sexy, exciting, and ultimately fulfilling. There’s something so wonderful about being in a relationship late in life where you can look back on decades of memories, shared experiences, and joy with a feeling of accomplishment that you saw it through the hard times and the good and made it all the way to your golden years together. You and your love can enjoy the end of your lives knowing you went through it all together and that you are stronger and more in love than ever.

Dementia is a group of conditions involving a loss of brain function. Dementia can affect memory, cognition, and executive function. In advanced stage dementia, it often becomes impossible to talk, recognize loved ones, or control movement.

Currently there is no cure for dementia. Most clinical guidelines emphasize improving quality of life for people with dementia. Quality of life, or QoL, refers to a person’s general well-being and life satisfaction.

A new study in Psychological Medicine has synthesized data from 198 separate studies. It has created a comprehensive analysis of factors linked to quality of life for people with dementia. The study has found factors that can improve QoL and variables that may predict poor QoL.

Which Factors Affect Quality of Life for People with Dementia?

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The study drew on data via a meta-analysis and systematic review of 198 previous studies. The analysis included data from 37,639 people. Researchers looked at 43 different factors to assess which might play a role in QoL among people with dementia.

Demographic factors such as marital status, gender, or income level had no effect on QOL. The type of dementia also showed no effect on quality of life.

For people with dementia, poor quality of life was linked to:

• Poor physical health
• Poor mental health (such as a depression diagnosis)
• Apathy and agitation
• Having an overwhelmed caregiver

Good quality of life was linked to:

• Strong relationships with friends and family
• Feeling included in social activities
• Being able to manage daily tasks
• Religious beliefs

Dementia Quality of Life: How Small Things Add Up

The study emphasizes that factors predicting QoL varied from person to person. A lifelong atheist, for example, might not find much comfort from religious services.

Researchers also found many factors offered small benefits to well-being. Strategies that improve quality of life might have a cumulative effect. A person who keeps in touch with family and manages everyday tasks may have a better QoL than someone who only talks to family.

The study offered limited data on what, if any, factors predict long-term quality of life. Researchers did find QoL early in the study predicted greater QoL later. This points to the need to improve quality of life early, perhaps immediately following a dementia diagnosis.

References:

1. Key factors to support quality of life in dementia. (2018, May 09). ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/05/180509081959.htm
2. Martyr, A., Nelis, S. M., Quinn, C., Wu, Y., Lamont, R. A., Henderson, C., . . . Clare, L. (2018). Living well with dementia: A systematic review and correlational meta-analysis of factors associated with quality of life, well-being and life satisfaction in people with dementia. Psychological Medicine, 1-10. Retrieved from https://bit.ly/2G1F3xS

“With aging, you earn the right to be loyal to yourself.” —Frances McDormand

“I don’t mind aging. I’m glad to be aging. I’ll never die young.” —Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

Our culture’s great fear of aging or looking old can be devastating, but talking with a therapist is one way you can work to ameliorate its effects. Exploring your past and imagining a future that feels right for you are only two of the many ways therapy can be helpful.

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But many people over 60 think they are too old to benefit from therapy. They may be too scared of change, too afraid they might try and not get the desired result. Some even fear that changing could alienate their family.

The deeper question is:

Are you ever too old to benefit from psychotherapy or counseling?

No.

You are never too old to benefit from someone truly listening to you and hearing your story with compassion.

You are never too old to shift gears and change your perspective.

You are never too old to behave differently.

You are never too old to invoke deeper awareness, understanding, and wise action.

You are never too old to enjoy the process of self-discovery, self-compassion, and acceptance of life on its own terms.

It is all too easy to think you are set in your ways: to believe life has already had its way with you and this is how you are. Luckily, just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

With people living into their 80s, 90s, and beyond, getting therapy in the last third of life can be incredibly helpful, supportive, and illuminating.

Until you take your last breath, you are capable of change. What an amazing concept: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral shifts are all still within your grasp, maybe even more so than when you were younger.

I know that is counter to what our culture seems to think, with its perennial focus on youth and high energy. But so much of aging is one’s perspective. If you have always focused on your looks, aging can be a real struggle. Even if you haven’t, our culture’s focus on youth can easily wither your self-esteem. Therapy can help you explore your thoughts and feelings while shifting some cognitive-emotional gears. It can even help you achieve what Frances McDormand spoke of: being loyal to yourself.

One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil.I believe as we age we become more concentrated versions of ourselves. That can also mean our behaviors and habits are more obvious to us than ever before, and they may be easier to work with as a result.

Paradoxically, that work doesn’t always feel like work. It can often feel like liberation from the shackles of old ways of thinking, behaving, and believing. Just knowing you have the freedom to change until you die opens up an amazing expanse of possibilities.

Is therapy with someone who is 70 different from someone who is 27? Of course! That is its beauty. After all those years living on Earth, you can be readier than ever to do truly deep and effective work. In some ways, you can more fearlessly look at your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships to see what serves you and what doesn’t.

On a more prosaic level, having somebody in your life with whom to process things as they come up, so they can be worked through and not allowed to fester, is an amazingly supportive experience.

What stops older people from seeking therapy? Is it a resignation to life as it is? Is it a bias toward thinking they can’t change? Is it not wanting to unearth things from the past? Is it thinking nobody can really help them feel better? The reasons are different for everybody. But all those possibilities share one thing in common: they could all be misguided.

Creating a trusting, open therapeutic relationship can help you accept life as it is without becoming cynical or hard-hearted. It can also help you develop self-compassion, something I believe is sorely lacking in our culture.

I’m not suggesting it is always easy to change, but it is certainly possible. One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil. These changes may even lead toward greater self-acceptance and inner peace.

When it comes to self-esteem across the lifespan, there’s good news and bad news.

The good news is for adolescents: It really does get better with age. Studies have found that self-esteem typically increases after adolescence and rises throughout adulthood.

But only to a point. And that’s the bad news. It appears even healthy self-esteem can take a serious hit after age 65 or 70.

It’s not hard to imagine why.

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When you think of growing old, what comes to mind?

Most of us focus on what happens physically. Skin sags. Wrinkles appear. Muscles lose mass. Joints become stiff. Fat expands and migrates to undesirable places.

For those whose self-esteem is tied to their body image, aging can be a disaster. But even if you can accept the inevitable physical changes gracefully, you’re not out of the woods.

Many of us will reach the heights of our personal mastery, power, status, influence, and achievement by our mid- to late 60s. After that, there tend to be more losses than gains in those areas.

Aging brings difficult milestones. A partner becomes ill or passes away. Retirement downgrades our socio-economic status. Health challenges limit our abilities and our freedom.

Researchers point to these losses as a possible explanation for the observed decline in self-esteem in old age. But not all studies agree this decline even happens.

At the very least, there’s another possibility that could explain a late-life decline in self-esteem. If older people score lower on self-esteem assessments, it may simply be because of their greater psychological insight. They may have made peace with their faults and have less of a need for self-aggrandizement.

Such a modest and balanced view of the self may show up as lower self-esteem scores. But it could also very well represent a gain in self-acceptance.

In any case, one thing you can do to hang on to self-esteem may be to reject stereotypical expectations of old age.

People who continue to view themselves as relatively young and active despite their advancing chronological age may fare better than those who accept the “reality” of becoming sick, weak, and lonely with age.

Self-esteem requires us to take loving, positive action on our own behalf. Good hygiene, a healthy diet, and regular physical activity are no less important when you’re 80 than they were when you were 20.

Research suggests “age rejectors” have better mental health overall, including greater ego strength and an active mastery style. They don’t deny their age, but they refuse to don the negative stereotypes that may be associated with it. They have a more positive self-image than their counterparts who identify as old and sick, old and weak, or old and lonely.

Researchers aren’t sure exactly what contributes to healthy self-esteem in adulthood, but we do know self-esteem is generally associated with emotional stability, conscientiousness, and extroversion.

It makes sense that in order to face the challenges of aging without losing self-esteem, we must play as active a role as possible in our own lives and communities, and reject negative assumptions and stereotypes that make us feel smaller as we age. Beyond that, we’re left with imagination and common sense to protect our self-esteem. Here are a few actions that might be supportive of self-esteem in later adulthood:

Spending Time with People or Animals

If negative stereotypes of aging include loneliness, then making an effort to socialize, and/or care for an animal, could be protective of self-esteem. Both also involve conscientiousness, especially if your socializing involves playing a role in a club or community organization.

Taking Care of Your Body

For some, it’s tempting to take an all-or-nothing attitude toward health in later life: “Well, I’m old now and falling apart, and there’s no point trying to fight it.”

Self-esteem requires us to take loving, positive action on our own behalf. Good hygiene, a healthy diet, and regular physical activity are no less important when you’re 80 than they were when you were 20.

Always consult a doctor before starting any exercise regimen, but consider using all that free time in retirement to work toward improved health. A strong physical body is protective of a strong and healthy mind, and your efforts toward fitness and health can bring a sense of both purpose and pride.

Staying Curious

Staying interested in the world around you keeps you active and interesting. It’s harder to “esteem” a “self” you believe deep down to be dull and boring than it is to cherish a self who is genuinely engaged. Stay interesting by refusing to sink into mental routines.

Seek novelty and variety in daily life, even in small ways. At the grocery store, buy something you’ve never tried. Attend an event you wouldn’t normally be interested in. Listen more than you talk, and ask clarifying questions.

Self-esteem doesn’t have to diminish with advancing age. Don’t let passivity rob you of mental health. Polish up your golden years by rejecting damaging stereotypes and staying engaged.

If you struggle with self-esteem issues, contact a licensed mental health professional.

References:

1. Carp, F. M., & Carp, A. (1981). Mental health characteristics and acceptance-rejection of old age. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 51(2), 230-241.
2. Orth, U., Trzesniewski, K. H., & Robins, R. W. (2010). Self-esteem development from young adulthood to old age: A cohort-sequential longitudinal study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(4), 645-658.
3. Robins, R.W., Trzesniewski, K.H., Tracy, J.L., Gosling, S.D., & Potter, J. (2002). Global self-esteem across the lifespan. Psychology and Aging, 17, 423–434.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Hallelujah! I just retired at age 63 after four decades in the loan industry. I can’t wait to see what retirement holds for me.

After my husband died in 2004, I wrapped myself up in my work and put romance and sex on a very dusty shelf. I went on one date in 2011 with a man five years older than me, but I wasn’t ready and I really didn’t feel a spark with him anyway. Now that I am retired, I am thinking about filling my time with someone (or maybe multiple someones!) new again. I feel ready this time. But I also feel sure about something else: At this stage of my life, I find myself much more attracted to younger men than older men or even men my own age. When I say younger, I mean 20 or 30 years younger. Something about that feels wrong, but I think that’s more because of society’s expectations than mine.

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I signed up for my first dating website yesterday and lo and behold I already have a whopping 18 messages! I was surprised that most of them are from younger men—one is a college sophomore! I am blushing but also smiling and laughing, if I am being honest. Apparently there is no shortage of younger men out there who are looking for “older” women like me. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised by that, but I am. Pleasantly so.

I know there may be potential complications with dating outside my generation. We may not have a lot in common and there may be gaps in maturity, wisdom, and life experience. I’ll probably get funny looks. I might shoot some funny looks back, though. Is it so wrong for me to want to date younger men? Could be fun. Ha! —Young at Heart

Dear Young at Heart,

You go, girl! Thanks for your spirited question, though I’m close to positive you already know the answer. Why in the world would it be wrong? First of all, you seem comfortable with it. Sixty-three leaves a lot of life to be experienced—having turned 50, I hold fast to that statement. To each her (or his) own. Love is not only blind, it often has a sense of irony.

Where is it written only men may seek out younger companions? I can only imagine by the tenor of your note that you are flattered by the attention, and why not? You experienced the loss of your husband (belated condolences) and have worked hard in your career. Why not have a little fun now that you have time on your hands?

You mention some potential pitfalls. There are always pitfalls in any situation. Also, it is hard to generalize about differences in regard to generations, maturity, and so forth, since we are all so unique. Some of us are “beyond our years,” others not so much. There is no such thing as being “mature” or not; usually there is maturity in some areas but not in others. (Maturity here is not to be confused with being stoic or emotionally reserved.) We may be patient and sage in the office, but frantic or angry behind the wheel, and so on.

Of course, there are stages of life that a younger guy might not be able to understand personally—such as retirement—but perhaps he’s a good listener and willing to learn about your experience, and isn’t that something you’d want from any partner?

As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality.

I think the key here is “having fun.” Life is heavy enough; why not keep things light and get to know some of these guys in person? You may know this, but there’s no substitute for in-person interaction, and it’s easy to build up our fantasy of another person before meeting them. This may also be old news, but I’d encourage you to try to keep it short and sweet the first time. Maybe coffee or a drink in a safe, public venue. An hour tops, which gives you an “out” if it’s not a match. Finally, I find that having a disagreement or two during the first few dates isn’t necessarily a bad thing since it shows how the two of you resolve conflict— key to any relationship, short- or long-term. Nothing is less fun than rigidity. Thus endeth my advice.

Additionally, and in the spirit of keeping things light, please take what I’m about to say with a grain of salt. As a therapist and psychoanalyst, I can’t help but be curious about what draws you to younger men. The most common reason for this, which may or may not apply to you personally, is the theme of youthfulness or vitality. Older men often seek younger women because of a fear of their own mortality, which aging makes impossible to ignore and which many folks experience as a traumatic loss. For many men, a loss of virility or stamina or peak physicality (and impending retirement) can create massive insecurity. Women for whom appearance is important are often distressed by aging, and many of the women I work with in therapy report that age brings a kind of reckoning of one’s life’s choices, both the positive as well as opportunities lost or shrinking.

I would be curious about what this interest in a younger guy means to you, which does not at all mean you shouldn’t pursue it. Quite the contrary; being clearer about what appeals to you (and what doesn’t) makes the dating process easier, since you know what attracts you and what might qualify as deal-breakers (which may or may not include dishonesty, lack of empathy, and so forth). One of the nice things about getting older, I find, is we can be more direct with ourselves and others about what we like or don’t like, in and out of the bedroom. It’s advisable to be up front about what you are or aren’t looking for with whomever you date, even if you’re not sure yet. Clarity on the front end tends to circumvent misunderstandings or hurt feelings, even if you’re uncertain about where things are going with someone.

Finally, the “father” side of me wants to say be cautious about who you let into your life, meaning access to intimate details of health, family, finances, and so on. This is not to imply you’re likely to meet a scam artist (though they do exist), but it takes time to get to know a person, and people reveal themselves through their actions and behavior over time. Most of us try to be on our best behavior in the beginning and let the rough edges slowly emerge. It can be intoxicating to meet a special someone and feel like you want to give all of yourself right away, but trust is precious indeed and needs to be earned little by little. There is a balance between caution and openness, which everyone finds for themselves. Indulge and have fun, take a weekend away to a new romantic place, take dancing lessons, try a new cuisine or neighborhood you’ve never visited, go to a rock concert (you’re never too old), be adventurous … just remember in the back of your mind it takes time to get to know someone—the good, the bad, and the in-between.

Having said all that, I wish you all the romantic fun in the world, with some well-earned enjoyment—as well as good wishes for the new year. If you would like support in navigating this journey into unfamiliar territory, therapists are here for you. Thanks again for your question!

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve managed to get to age 66 without writing a will. The thought has always terrified me, but now it’s more real than ever. As my kids start (gently) pressuring me to consider talking to a lawyer about finally drawing one up, I’m feeling more and more anxious about it.

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Death doesn’t really scare me so much, but having a document that my family will read when I die makes it terribly real. It brings up images in my head of them all going through it together and everything being so final. I know I’m at an age where I can no longer ignore it or put it off, but I stubbornly want to never deal with it.

Do you have any advice for someone who is anxious to tears about doing this? Or any thoughts about how to get through the process without falling apart? —Wills and Grace

Dear WAG,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. End-of-life matters are inherently unpleasant, but it sounds like your anxiety is running overtime and making those matters much worse. First and foremost, I recommend working with a therapist who can help you better understand the nature and origin of your anxious feelings. That insight may yield opportunities to identify soothing and coping strategies that make it easier for you to follow through on the difficult task of developing a will.

“Thy will be done”—sooner rather than later. And although you didn’t ask, this applies to health proxies and powers of attorney as well. These are important legal documents designed to safeguard yourself and your family. See a lawyer, then write, sign, and file these papers, which are designed to make everyone’s life easier, including your own. Tell your kids where they can find them. Give them copies.

The original documents should be kept in a safe place. Safe place doesn’t necessarily mean safe deposit box, because your kids will not be able to enter that box without your prior written permission. Arrange with the bank and one of your kids so they have permission to open the box; otherwise, they will need a court order. Give that kid their own key and let them all know where your bank is.

In fact, organize your financial documents and tell your kids where they are. I keep mine in the upper left-hand drawer of my desk, and my kids know that. Let your kids know the names and contact information for your doctors, lawyers, and bank. Make a list of important information and give it to them. You will also need to ask someone to be your executor, the person in charge of carrying out your wishes.

If it seems like I speak from experience, it’s because I do. I have a will, and it divides my estate among family members and gives a little bit to the public library and some other places.

I assume you have assets. If you become seriously ill, your kids may need these assets to help pay for your medical care. Make it easy for them in both your life and your death, which, you write, “doesn’t scare you.” Just thinking about it does! Yes, this all makes the prospect of your death terribly real. Death is terribly real for everybody; unfortunately, ignoring it doesn’t prevent it.

You worry about “falling apart” while getting this all together. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you’ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here’s your chance to do that again.

You write that you “stubbornly” don’t want to deal with your eventual death, but it’s your kids who will have to deal with it. Your kids will be dealing with their sorrow and maybe also their frustration with your unwillingness to prepare for their future without you. You sound like you love them, and I’m guessing if you’re 66 they may be in their 30s or 40s, which means you’ve seen them through many difficulties and perhaps crises of their own. Here’s your last chance—literally the last—to take care of your kids. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself.

You’re concerned about your family reading your will, but you don’t say what it is that concerns you. Yes, it is sad to think of your kids reading your final wishes and reacting to your death. It’s even worse thinking of them having to sort out your finances while they are in states of grief. They’ll be grieving if you don’t have a will or if you do have one, but I imagine they’ll feel worse if you haven’t prepared them for how you want things to go when you die. They have been asking you, after all. They’re concerned. Would they be angry with you if you don’t have a will?

You worry about “falling apart” while getting this all together. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you’ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here’s your chance to do that again. You might ask a trusted friend or relative if they can help, or you might consult a therapist along the way. Aging gives us many things to worry about; death may be the least of them.

It is very painful to imagine yourself separated from the people you love. You won’t know what happens next in their stories, and that is sad. I personally would love to meet my great grandchildren and their children, too, or at least see into the future and know their biographies. Our children’s lives will go on without us, as they should. But as their lives proceed, the part we played continues to live on within them. Keep those memories clear, lead the way forward, and show them a positive model of aging and death.

I wish you well as you navigate this struggle.

Kind regards,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT

Two new studies suggest video games could aid the treatment of depression. One study, published in the journal Depression and Anxiety, found a video game could address cognitive issues associated with depression in older adults. A second study, published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, found video games can improve symptoms of depression, particularly among people whose depression symptoms are more serious.

Improving Cognition in Older Adults with Depression

Researchers in the first study used an app called Project: EVO with 10 adults age 60 and older who experienced depression. The app is meant to improve attention and focus. Though not specifically designed to treat depression, the researchers say improvements in attention might reduce symptoms of depression.

Even though most participants had never used an app on a tablet or played a video game before, all were compliant with the recommendation that they play the game for at least 20 minutes five times per week. Participants also had weekly meetings with a clinician.

A second group of 12 adults with depression attended weekly problem-solving therapy sessions. Compared to the control participants who attended weekly therapy, the participants who played video games experienced similar improvements in depression symptoms.[fat_widget_depression_right]

An App, a Video Game, and a Placebo for Depression

A larger trial involving more than 600 participants with mild or moderate depression assessed the value of video games in the treatment of depression. One group played Project: EVO. A second group used an app called iPST, which uses problem-solving therapy to reduce depression symptoms. A placebo control group used an app called Health Tips, which offered users healthy suggestions.

All three groups experienced similar improvements in mild depression symptoms, suggesting any purported treatment might help reduce mild depression symptoms. However, participants who were more than mildly depressed saw greater improvements with iPST and Project: EVO than with the placebo app.

The results are preliminary, and researchers do not yet know if the improvements will persist over time. They suggest the potential for an app or video game to treat depression could reduce the cost and time commitment associated with traditional depression treatment options.

References:

1. Anguera, J. A., Gunning, F. M., & Arean, P. A. (2016). Improving late life depression and cognitive control through the use of therapeutic video game technology: A proof-of-concept randomized trial. Depression and Anxiety. doi:10.1002/da.22588
2. Nodell, B. (2017, January 3). Game your brain to treat depression, studies suggest. Retrieved from http://hsnewsbeat.uw.edu/story/studies-suggest-gaming-your-brain-treat-depression