A blog about Supporting someone through grief

Those of you who know me personally are aware that my son Nikolai passed away in November. Our family has been navigating this unimaginable loss, and while everyone’s grief is unique, I wanted to share a few tips for those who may want to support someone going through it. One thing that has been instrumental in helping us cope is the overwhelming love and support from our community. If you’re wondering how to be there for a friend or family member, below are a few things that have truly made a difference.

Tips That Have Helped Me

Offer Practical Help: Please don’t ask me what I need, especially in the early months of grief. Often, I don’t even know what I need. Offering practical support can be a game-changer. Our community set up a meal train, if you don’t know what this is, look it up, because it saved our family tremendously! Friends brought over groceries; some asked what we needed, while others simply brought staples. Offering to help with things like carpooling kids can also be incredibly helpful. Sometimes small gestures make a big difference, and every act of kindness is so appreciated.

When in Doubt Reach Out: There are times when I need solitude to process my feelings, but that doesn’t mean I want to be forgotten. I don’t want to be left alone entirely, I truly don’t. If you’re unsure how to show support, a simple text is more than enough. If I’m not in a place to respond, please don’t take it personally. We could go for a walk or just sit and talk. Even if I don’t take you up on it right away, knowing you’re there means the world.

Avoid Clichés: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Time heals all wounds” can unintentionally minimize the pain. Acknowledging my grief without trying to fix it allows me to feel seen and understood.

Celebrate the Memories: Say his name. Tell me any memories you have. I want to know that he is still remembered. Celebrating their life rather than focusing only on their absence can be a great comfort.

Avoid Comparisons: Please don’t compare your pain to mine, and please don’t say you understand—because, truthfully, you can’t. Everyone’s grief is deeply personal, and while your intentions may be kind, comparisons can unintentionally diminish what I’m experiencing.

Listen Without Judgment: There are days when I need to talk, vent, or even express emotions I can’t fully understand. Having someone who listens without offering solutions or judgments is invaluable. Just letting me feel heard is incredibly healing.
To those who have been walking with me through this journey, thank you. Your support means the world. If you’re supporting someone through grief, know that even the smallest gesture can have a lasting impact.

Sad woman sitting aloneThe first Christmas after my son died, I couldn’t put up decorations. Christmas was a challenge to be endured rather than an anticipated event.  We, as a family, talked and shared memories about Andrew. We honored the traditions; opening presents, chattering to each other. We ate a lot. We talk about that Christmas as “we got through it.” 

The second Holiday season was harder and easier. I had a template of how to do it. At the same time, I realized Christmas would always tinged with loss. I grieved the loss of our family; the sense of everyone being together for Christmas.  We again chose to spend Christmas away from home. Christmas became smaller and less important. That worked for us.  

 The next couple Christmas’s (we’re at 5 this year) became a pattern.  I am now able to put up some decorations in the house. The tree, with handmade ornaments, has stayed impossible. I now say, when there are children, I’ll consider having Christmas at home.  

 There has been some pushback. Relatives saying out loud they want to see us at Christmas. We have invited them to ours up north. That hasn’t worked as a solution. Someone asked when this different Christmas “would be over” as if my grief, and my families loss would end. Hurtful but… 

 I think those comments come from seeing us grieving and wanting us to feel better. To me, it’s flawed thinking. I do feel better. Christmas remains difficult. Full of memories and longings for my son Andrew to be here again. He was such a big funny happy person. He loved Christmas. What helps me is to know he is in our hearts and watching out for us still. But this comfort doesn’t much touch the reality of the season.. he isn’t here, creating new memories.  

 People have different experiences with the loss of a child. Different ways of grieving, different stages. I don’t believe my grief will end. Which goes against some mental health perspectives.  

 What has worked for me is to accept my suffering. Accept that I will always grieve. This acceptance made life better; I am able to be happy. I am able to look forward to the legacy of my son. He was a happy person. He would want me, all of his family to be happy. To seek happiness. To laugh more. 

 I have accepted Christmas in a new form. Periods of happy times;  watching the gift opening and the music, the games, the food. Times with some real pain going on inside.  

 So here’s the advice I offer to you, the grieving person. Honor yourself. Honor your feelings. The people who love you are not you. They often struggle between fear of their own losses, sadness at watching you, and impatience or even resentment at the way you have changed. Let them have their feelings. Challenge your feelings of shame, the thought that you need to put on a happy face, to make it easier for them.  

Loss is a messy business. Full of feelings. It’s also a part of life.  Every Christmas, rooted in family traditions, should be different. I challenge the expectation we should just “go on” as if nothing happened. Something big happened. Loss should change us. Not overwhelm us. At least not always overwhelm us.   

The first year I cried in front of strangers, neighbors, in stores, and out on a walk. I overshared. I worked, I compartmentalized, I numbed out. I wrote in a journal. I meditated. I exercised. It all helped a little bit. There were hours where I felt significantly better. They didn’t last. My grief and loss comes in waves. The waves are less intense now. Happiness, joy, my sense of humor, my signature curiosity have come back. That said, I’m not the same.  

Since my son’s death, I have learned the cliche, that life can change in an instant is deeply true. I have done more, gone more places, challenged my fears, laughed at myself, lost friends, gained friends, and more openly loved the people I love.  

Creating a legacy to my son has helped me meet many people, expand my definitions of loss, gain positive perspectives, and practice gratitude. All are helpful in this new landscape. I’ve also felt jealousy at others easy talk about their children, been angry at the universe, and felt misunderstood and alone.  

My parents passed away before my son. I miss them. I talk about them. I talk to them sometimes!  For me, the loss of a child is like being in an entirely different country. Different language, different landscapes. I’ll share two parts which I don’t see enough about in the world.  

When I became a parent, my wiring changed. I felt a biological imperative to keep my children alive at all costs; even at the cost of my own life. I failed to keep my son alive. Those are the facts to me. I comfort myself knowing I tried every way I could. But denying the failure, denying the imperative just didn’t work. What worked was accepting I failed. From failure came forgiveness. I continue to work on forgiving myself for that failure.  

We have to work with regret in loss. We all made mistakes. We continue to do so. “What if” is not a helpful phrase. What if I did this or that? The truth is you will never know if that would have worked or helped. Try not to beat yourself up with what if… Even if “it” worked or helped someone else.  

Lastly, I offer comfort. Know as you stand with your family this Holiday season following your traditions, you are not alone. There are many people with you. Give yourself credit for showing up, for accepting this holiday is different, for bearing joy and sadness in the same body. Know every house has losses. Honor those who are not here with a toast, a memory, a joke.  As Andrew would say, “Come on! Let’s go open presents!” 

Person walking in snow The holiday season is a time when there are expectations to be “together”,  “joyous” and to “celebrate.” These descriptive words can greatly differ from the pain, despair, and loneliness that accompany grief and loss.  Holiday commercials, social plans, work events, community events or our own memories of past experiences can be triggering and painful for anyone, let alone those who have been through recent, significant, or unresolved loss(es). Below are some examples of ways to cope ahead and manage grief during the holiday using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Mindfulness-based techniques.  

Cope Ahead for the Holidays

Allow Yourself Space to Grieve

Consider Making Meaning of the Loss

Have Realistic Expectations and Be Gentle with Yourself During and After the Holidays:  

Man with his dog at sunset

Our pets are our family, there for us when we need them, and always a part of our hearts. Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is an emotional and heart-rending experience, especially when the decision to euthanize is involved. You may find yourself overwhelmed with feelings of grief, loss, and guilt, wondering if you made the right choice. These emotions are deeply personal and reflect the profound bond you shared with your pet — an unjudging companion who brought love, comfort, and joy into your life. While this pain may feel insurmountable right now, know that there are ways to navigate through this difficult time, honor your pet’s memory, and begin the healing process.

Prepare for the Grieving Process

 

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia can be one of the most challenging experiences you’ll ever face. Your animal companion provided love, support, and a sense of connection, making the loss even harder to bear. When it comes time to make the decision to euthanize, it marks the end of an important relationship — often one of the most cherished relationships in your life. It’s essential to acknowledge that grieving this loss is natural, and it’s okay to feel deeply affected by it.

The grieving process is different for everyone. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief — denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance — are a common framework, but remember that these stages don’t always occur in a set order. You may cycle through them or experience them at different intensities. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. 

Don’t be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated. Losing a pet can leave a significant void, and it may take some time for you to come to terms with this profound change in your family and life.

 

How to Cope with Grief

Be Kind to Yourself

Healing after the loss of a pet takes time, and it’s important to be patient and kind to yourself during this process. You might feel guilt, regret, or second-guess your decision, but remember that you made the choice with your pet’s best interests in mind. All things are impermanent, and it is this that contributes to the special bond you and your pet had. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up, and don’t rush the healing process. Take time to honor your pet’s memory in ways that feel meaningful to you, and remind yourself that your grief is valid.

Seek Out Social Support 

The importance of social support during grief over the loss of a pet cannot be overstated. When we lose a close relative in death, the world tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners who had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.

While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.” The world around us doesn’t always seem to understand that our pet was not “just a dog” or “just a cat” and that we cannot “just get a new one.” For these reasons, it’s even more important to seek the support of those who understand what you’re experiencing. Social support — whether from family, friends, or pet loss grief support groups — can make a massive difference in the grieving process. 

Understanding the Impact of Pet Loss

The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can greatly disrupt your daily life and unbalance other existing relationships you have (such as with a spouse, children, parents, or colleagues).

It’s important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time. It may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our beloved pets?

Seeking Professional Help

If you find it difficult to talk about your grief with others or if your feelings become overwhelming, seeking professional help from a therapist may be the best option. A therapist can offer guidance, help you process your emotions, and provide tools to navigate this challenging time. Don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional if you need additional support.

Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities

Grieving the loss of a pet after euthanasia often involves adjusting to a new daily routine. Your pet was a significant part of your life, and their absence can create a profound emptiness. Engaging in meaningful activities can help you cope with your grief and start to heal.

Activities to Help Cope with Grief from Putting Pet to Sleep:

 

What You Can Do for a Grieving Loved One

 

When someone close to you is grieving the loss of a pet, your support can be incredibly valuable and life-changing. Here’s how you can help:

Offer a Listening Ear 

One of the most meaningful things you can do is simply be there to listen. Grief can be isolating, and having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. Let them share their feelings and memories without judgment or the pressure to move on.

Provide Practical Support 

Grief can make even everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical support can help relieve some of the burden and allow your loved one to focus on their emotional healing. Here are some ways to offer your assistance: 

Provide Social Support

Inviting your loved one to social activities can offer a welcome distraction and some emotional relief. However, it’s important to be understanding if they prefer to stay home or need more time alone. Respect their boundaries while letting them know you’re there when they’re ready.

Respect Their Grieving Process 

Everyone grieves differently, and it’s essential to respect your loved one’s unique way of mourning. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or telling them how they should feel. Instead, offer support in a way that honors their individual process.

 

Feeling Alone in Your Grief? Find Support Today

 

The loss of a pet cuts deep, but in your grief, remember that the love and bond you shared will always be a part of you. Losing a pet may be one of life’s most difficult experiences, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether it’s finding comfort in memories, leaning on loved ones, or seeking professional support, help is available. Your pet brought you unconditional love, and now, in their memory, it’s time to extend that same compassion to yourself. Reach out for support when you need it, and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.

 

Find Help Today

 

References:

  1. Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
  2. Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
  3. Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
  4. Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
  5. Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8

GoodTherapy | How to Support a Loved One After a Miscarriage

How to Support a Loved One After a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a devastating loss for a mother, their partner, and their family. In many societies, the cultural norm is for the mother to keep it to herself, or between her and her partner, and mourn privately. This can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, and loneliness for those affected by the miscarriage. Even though miscarriages are common occurrences, people can feel very alone in their pain. The cultural conversation about miscarriages is changing as more women with public platforms share their experiences. Last year, Chrissy Tiegen and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, wrote articles about their miscarriages that had a substantial effect on how we talk about this topic. 

Last month, New Zealand passed a law mandating a three-day bereavement leave for mothers who miscarry and their partners. This is an important move toward recognizing the grief and physical trauma that miscarriages can cause, and we are hopeful that more countries will adopt similar policies. But supportive policies are only one part of coming alongside those affected by miscarriage. Supportive friends and family who walk with a mother, couple, or family through miscarriage provide something that policies can’t. To better care for loved ones in this kind of difficult time, we need to understand and destigmatize miscarriage, respect the grieving process, and be flexible, taking our cues from those loved ones about what they need. 

What Is a Miscarriage?

A miscarriage is an unexpected loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks. Many miscarriages occur before the mother realizes she’s pregnant. Miscarriages are common: According to the March of Dimes, for every 100 women who know they’re pregnant, 10-15 of those pregnancies will terminate in miscarriage. There are many causes of miscarriage, and not all of them are known.

The Impact of a Miscarriage

A mother’s body may need up to a month to recover from a miscarriage. Mothers who have miscarried are more at-risk for postpartum depression with subsequent deliveries. Emotionally, the effects vary. Miscarriage is often emotionally fraught for the mother and her partner, if she has one. This is especially true if they’ve had weeks or months to bond with and prepare for the arrival of their child. Although early pregnancy loss differs from other kinds of loss, everyone involved can still experience grief. This loss can be world-changing for parents who care deeply for their little one, yet never got the chance to meet them. Parents often experience symptoms like depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, and even resentment toward others. They may fear future miscarriages, especially since it’s common to not know a definitive reason for the event. 

What You Can Do

It can be difficult for someone experiencing this kind of loss to express or understand what they need. There is no perfect thing to say, no sure-fire offer of help to make. But that doesn’t mean that your support isn’t needed or valued. Here are five ways you can come alongside a loved one facing a miscarriage. 

1. Listen.

Do not assume you know what loved ones need during this time. Even if you experienced miscarriage, remember that everyone deals with grief differently. The most important thing you can do is to listen to them. Take your cues from them. Do they want distraction? Do they need to vent? Do they want talk and weep over their loss? Be attentive when they express even the slightest need and step in to meet that need if you can.

2. Be open to talking about the miscarriage.

Make it clear you are available to talk about the loss. Miscarriage is painful on many levels. The hopes the parent had for this child, the expectant excitement around the baby’s expected arrival, the deep love growing in the hearts of parents as the fetus developed are all suddenly, heart-wrenchingly disrupted. Parents may want to talk about any and all of these things. Let your loved ones decide when and how they want to talk about their loss, but be ready to go there when they are.

3. Choose your words carefully.

It can be easy for you to forget and say something careless or unintentionally hurtful. Avoid trite platitudes, such as “At least you know you can get pregnant,” “You have an angel watching out for you now,” “You can always try again,” or “At least you already have a kid.” These statements ring hollow and give the impression that you’re trying to gloss over what has happened. Parents never forget about their lost pregnancy and can be hurt by your words, no matter how long it’s been. 

If you want to say something, stick with statements that acknowledge their pain and don’t try to fix it, such as “I’m so sorry, this is awful, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.” “I love you and I’m here for you” is also a great thing to convey.

4. Offer to help out with physical needs. 

Grief can drain people of their energy. It’s nice to offer to help with whatever your loved ones need, but sometimes, it helps to give a specific offer for them to respond to. If you’re able, suggest some practical ways you could help them. Help with meals by sending a gift card for a delivery service or making and dropping a meal. Offer to provide childcare or pick their kids up from school. Cover a shift for them at work. Think of their circumstances and what might slip through the cracks while your loved one mourns their loss. 

5. Validate them, their experiences, and their feelings. 

Lastly, a great way to show support to anyone in your life who has had a miscarriage is to validate them, their experience, and the way they feel about it. Let them know that what they are feeling is valid and normal and that there is no timeline for when they need to “move on.” 

If you’re thinking that your friend might benefit from seeking professional help, approach it from a standpoint of normalizing seeking therapy help.

If you have experienced a miscarriage and would like to find a therapist who can help, click through to search your area. 

References

Miscarriage. (2017). Retrieved April 02, 2021, from https://www.marchofdimes.org/complications/miscarriage.aspx

Gnarled, twisted tree trunks line each side of a small road.In her seminal book, On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five distinct stages of grief. Kübler-Ross worked with dying people and designed her model to describe the distinct grief of dying.

In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss, a book co-authored with David Kessler, Kübler-Ross expanded her model to include many other types of grief. A modified version of Kübler-Ross’s model adds two new stages, shock and testing. This seven-stage model of grief is familiar to many people who have grieved a loss, yet little research supports the model. [amazon_affiliate]

The Seven Stages of Grief

According to Kübler-Ross, and later to her co-author David Kessler, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.

Some grief experts suggest this model might leave out two additional stages. This is sometimes called the Extended Kübler-Ross Model. According to that seven-stage model, the stages of grief are as follows:

  1. Shock: This is a person’s initial sense of paralysis and shock following bad news.
  2. Denial: Denial is an attempt to avoid the pain of the loss. Sometimes people distract themselves with other pursuits.
  3. Anger: Anger is a reaction to the loss of control that often accompanies a loss. A person may experience overwhelming feelings of frustration or target their anger to a specific source, such as God, a doctor, or the person who shared the bad news.
  4. Bargaining: Bargaining is an attempt to regain control. During this stage, a person tries to find a way to escape the pain. For example, a person dying of cancer might adopt a very healthy lifestyle, or a parent whose child is dying might spend lots of time praying.
  5. Depression: When bargaining fails and a person realizes they cannot control the loss, they may enter a state of intense depression.
  6. Testing: During this stage, a person experiments with ways to better manage and cope with the loss.
  7. Acceptance: During acceptance, a person integrates and understands the loss. This does not mean they are “over” it, but they are able to move forward. The degree to which a person is able to accept the loss and move forward depends on the specific loss, personal psychological factors, a supportive environment, and more.

In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler argues that the quest for meaning might be the final stage of grief before acceptance.

While the original model was presented as sequential, most grief experts now argue that a person can go through the stages in any order. They may also repeat or revisit stages, especially during times of intense emotional distress. For example, a person grieving the loss of their father might become angry over his loss when he is not present at their wedding, even if they already experienced the anger stage years before.

While the original model was presented as sequential, most grief experts now argue that a person can go through the stages in any order.

Shock: The First Stage of Grief

Grief often begins with bad news—a stunning diagnosis, a phone call announcing a loved one’s death, or an ultrasound that reveals a baby is not developing normally. This can feel like a massive blow, sending a person into a state of emotional shock. During this earliest stage of grief, a person may feel unable to process the meaning of the news.

Shock can last just a few moments or for many days. For some people, shock reappears as the grieving process unfolds. A person grieving the death of a relative may feel another wave of shock settle in at the funeral or burial, for instance.

Some hallmarks of shock include:

Testing: An Often Overlooked Stage of Grief

As a person meanders through the stages of grief, they may arrive at a period of testing. This stage of grief is similar to bargaining, but typically occurs later. During testing, a person experiments with different ways to manage their grief. For example, a person going through a divorce might contemplate joining a support group, weigh the benefits of a new hobby, or consider dating.

Testing differs from bargaining in that testing is about finding sustainable strategies for living with bad news. Bargaining is about escaping the bad news and regaining control.

A person in the testing stage may:

How Helpful Are the Stages of Grief?

While many grieving people report experiencing at least a few of the stages of grief, most research does not support a stage-based model of grief. A 2007 study found people grieving a death experience denial, anger, depression, and acceptance in a similar sequence to that identified by Kubler-Ross. That study, however, found no support for bargaining and found the most prevalent grief-related emotion was yearning for a lost loved one.

Factors such as a person’s social environment, how supported they feel, and the nature of the loss may also change how a person grieves.

Factors such as a person’s social environment, how supported they feel, and the nature of the loss may also change how a person grieves.

Some studies have found a person’s grief may depend on the loss. A 2016 study, for example, argues that people caring for a loved one with dementia face a unique grieving process. This is because they “lose” the person before they die but then experience another loss at death. The study proposes a dementia-specific model of grieving and argues that ambiguity is a core component of each stage of dementia grief.

The extent to which a stage-based model of grief helps people is unclear. People who experience one of the traditional stages may feel less alone when they learn their feelings are common. People who do not go through the stages of grief, however, may feel alone or stigmatized. They may even feel pressured to manifest outward signs of internal grief stages they do not actually feel.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is the natural reaction to a loss. Cultural norms, personal factors, social support, health, religious and social values, and myriad other factors may affect how a person experiences grief. Therapy can help people manage their grief and find a way forward. The right therapist may even help a person find meaning in a loss, or a sense of purpose in persisting despite the loss.

“These models can…help people understand and explain their experience. However, grief is not predictable, linear, stable, or neat. It is an experience marked by its ferocious aliveness and proclivity for shape shifting. Models run the risk of being too prescriptive…and can render people feeling like they have a map of mere country borders and seashores, not the detail or scope to actually navigate one’s way around with any seriousness. Use the seven stages as a basic introduction to the language of grief, but when one becomes fluent in their own personal grief experience, they will realize it’s a language entirely unto its own. Therapy and other therapeutic work help hold and develop the latter,” says Jade Wood, MA, LMFT, MHSA, a Washington, D.C. therapist who specializes in managing grief.

To begin your search for a compassionate grief therapist, click here.

References:

  1. Additional stages of grief. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.econdolence.com/learn/articles/additional-stages-of-grief
  2. Blandin, K., & Pepin, R. (2016, October 15). Dementia grief: A theoretical model of a unique grief experience. Dementia (London), 16(1), 67-78. doi: 10.1177/1471301215581081
  3. Kübler-Ross, E. (2009). On death and dying. Abingdon: Routledge.
  4. Maciejewski, P. K., Zhang, B., Block, S. D., & Prigerson, H. G. (2007, February 21). An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. JAMA, 297(7), 716. doi: 10.1001/jama.297.7.716
  5. Testing stage. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/testing_stage.htm
  6. The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

Cemetery on a sunny autumn dayThe loss of a child is often considered to be the most painful, wrenching experience a person can have. The loss of an infant may be sudden and shocking or follow many months of neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) visits.

Losing a baby means the loss of dreams for the baby’s future. Parents may feel they were robbed of time to get to know their child. Friends and family may never have met the child. Because infant loss follows a short life, some people find loved ones treat the loss as if it were a miscarriage—not the loss of a living, breathing child. This can compound the pain and increase stigma.

Though infant loss is often painful and traumatic, it’s possible to find healthy ways to cope. The right therapist can help parents find ways to mourn and honor their child. Therapy is not about forgetting the child or the loss; instead, the goal is to work through the pain of infant loss, move forward, and find ways to seek support from loved ones. Though life may never be the same, a good life is still possible.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, during which organizations across the globe work to support parents who have lost a child.

How Infant Loss Affects Families

The loss of any child is painful, and there is no good time to lose a child. The loss of an infant presents unique challenges and sources of grief. Some common issues include:

The loss of a baby can be frightening to others, who may look for reasons it won’t happen to them.

Stigma, Myths, and Other Challenges of Infant Loss

The loss of a baby is tragic enough, yet many families also face stigma and other myths surrounding their loss. Some people mistakenly believe one baby can replace another, so they reassure the parents that they are lucky to already have children or that they’ll one day be able to have another baby. This can undermine the meaning of the baby’s life as a unique individual and may make bereavement worse.

Some other common challenges include:

How to Help Someone Coping with the Loss of a Baby

There’s no cure for the loss of a baby, and nothing can make the pain disappear. Grief in response to this type of loss is normal and understandable, so loved ones should not try to rush the grieving process or encourage parents to “move on.” While it is possible to recover, parents will never forget their baby. Encouraging them to do otherwise is harmful.

Some strategies to help someone who has lost a baby include:

Offer material support in the months following the loss. Bring meals, offer childcare for other children, or help clean the house.

Therapy for Infant Loss

Therapy can help parents find productive ways to deal with their loss. Some therapists specialize in bereavement therapy that helps parents understand their emotions, work through the loss of their child, and even find meaning in the loss. For some people, the loss of a baby inspires them to support other parents, fight childhood illnesses, or otherwise give back to their community. Therapy can help parents decide what might help them move forward.

Therapy can also help family members and couples support each other. Everyone deals with loss differently. One spouse might want time alone, while the other might need a distraction or lots of hugs. Family and couples counseling can help with identifying these needs and support families to meet one another’s needs.

Therapists gently guide bereaved families through their grief, and a good therapist never tells families to get over the loss. Instead, therapists honor the life of the lost baby while helping grieving parents continue to lead lives of meaning and purpose. Recovery is difficult, but possible. For help navigating the pain of losing a baby, begin your search for a therapist here.

References:

  1. For family and friends–how to give support after a stillbirth. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pregnancy-loss/stillbirth/family-and-friends—how-give-support-after-stillbirth
  2. Lyngstad, T. H. (2013). Bereavement and divorce: Does the death of a child affect parents’ marital stability? Family Science, 1(4), 79-86. doi: 10.1080/19424620.2013.821762
  3. What causes infant mortality? (2016, December 1). Retrieved from https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infant-mortality/topicinfo/causes

View of pregnant woman through window. She is looking down sadly.Pregnancy is often considered a joyous and exciting time. But sometimes life has other plans. Death, natural disasters, and other changes can lead to grief or trauma at any stage of life. Grief can be an unwelcome visitor in a time often filled with anticipation. It also comes with a long list of symptoms that tend to be unpleasant.

It is normal to worry about how grief may affect pregnancy. Here are some things to consider if you find yourself grieving during these crucial nine months.

Grief and Mental Health During Pregnancy

Grief is not the same as depression, but the two can share some symptoms. A person affected by grief during pregnancy may have a different experience than someone working through a mental health issue like depression. This article specifically addresses grief. But is it important to be able to distinguish between the effects of each condition. There are different approaches to managing grief and depression. Pinpointing what you experience may better help you address it: [fat_widget_right]

Causes of Grief During Pregnancy

Miscarriage may come to mind when the topics of pregnancy and grief are discussed. This life event is indeed a source of grief worth acknowledging. But it is not the only reason for someone to experience grief during a pregnancy. Some sources of grief may have nothing to do with the pregnancy and still affect it.

Other causes of grief can include:

Health complications for the mother or child during pregnancy can also cause grief. Any of these can effect physical symptoms that could impact a pregnancy. These life events may start a shock reaction in the body. Shock can affect pregnancy in a way similar to grief or stress.

How Grief Affects Pregnancy

Grief can affect pregnancy through its impact on hormone balance and production. Pregnancy already has an effect on hormones. When pregnancy and grief take place at the same time, hormonal changes may have more extreme effects.

The impact of grief can be varied, but there are some common patterns. Grief can cause an imbalance in serotonin production. It also raises the body’s cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. Fetuses can be susceptible to these changes. Disruptions in regular chemical production may have effects that last throughout a pregnancy. In extreme cases, these effects may impact the child’s life later on.

Grief can also worsen symptoms that typically come with pregnancy. These could include aches and pains, sleep issues, and digestive problems. Combined with a sudden loss, these symptoms may become more intense. If you are worried about any these symptoms, consult your health care provider.

Potential Risks of Grief During Pregnancy

Some symptoms of grief may increase certain risks associated with pregnancy. Most of these risks only occur if the grief is severe. Some of these risks include:

These risks may sound scary, but they are still relatively uncommon. There are also many ways to reduce the effects of grief. Learning to manage grief in healthy ways while honoring the grieving period may help. Good coping strategies can reduce the effects of grief on a pregnancy.

Can Grief Be a Positive Influence?

Grief does not only increase the risks of pregnancy. A little stress may actually promote a positive outcome. A 2006 study found that mothers who reported stress or symptoms of grief during pregnancy had children with more advanced motor skills and development. The sample population for this study was small and focused on low-risk pregnancies. Deep or sudden grief brought on by a series of traumatic events did not factor into this study.

Studies like these may still provide hope for those going through grief and pregnancy at the same time. Keeping up with medical appointments, working with a therapist, and using healthy skills to cope with grief may prove beneficial. Doing these things can continue to increase a child’s chances for a healthy and happy future.

How to Cope with Grief During Pregnancy

One of the best ways to maintain a healthy pregnancy during the grief period is to care for oneself. Reach out to your support network and practice regular self-care. These habits can help reduce stress and bring comfort when feelings of grief are intense. They may also provide a nurturing environment for the baby throughout the pregnancy.

Some methods of coping with grief during pregnancy include:

There is one thing it may help to avoid if you are grieving and pregnant: worry. Obsessing over whether grief may affect a pregnancy is likely to cause further stress. Increased stress may worsen symptoms and make pregnancy more difficult. If you are struggling with feelings of grief or stress during pregnancy, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. They can teach you skills to manage grief and address any anxiety you may experience about your pregnancy.

Practicing self-care may facilitate a healthy pregnancy whether grief is present or not. It is not necessary or even natural to feel gleefully happy throughout an entire pregnancy. But managing strong or negative emotions may lead to less stress and more balance.

References:

  1. Black, S. E., Devereux, P. J., & Salvanes, K. G. (2014). Does grief transfer across generations? In-utero deaths and outcomes. IZA. Retrieved from http://ftp.iza.org/dp8043.pdf
  2. Dealing with grief during pregnancy. (n.d.). Pregnancy Magazine. Retrieved from https://www.pregnancymagazine.com/mom/dealing-with-grief-during-pregnancy
  3. DiPietro, J. A., Novak, M. F. S. X., Costigan, K. A., Atella, L. D., & Reusing, S. P. (2006, May 9). Maternal psychological distress during pregnancy in relation to child development at age two. Child Development, 3(77), 573-587. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-8624.2006.00891.x
  4. Glover, V. (2013, August 6). Effects of prenatal stress can affect children into adulthood. The Conversation. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/effects-of-prenatal-stress-can-affect-children-into-adulthood-16332
  5. Glover, V. (2011). The effects of prenatal stress on child behavioural and cognitive outcomes start at the beginning. Retrieved from http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/stress-and-pregnancy-prenatal-and-perinatal/according-experts/effects-prenatal-stress-child
  6. Oberlander, T. F. (2012). Fetal serotonin signaling: Setting pathways for early childhood development and behavior. Journal of Adolescent Health, 2(51), S9-S16. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.04.009
  7. Rettner, R. (2013, March 27). Stress in pregnancy boosts stillbirth risk. Retrieved from https://www.livescience.com/28229-pregnancy-stress-stillbirth.html

Women leans on bridge railing with her head down.If you have ever lost a loved one, you have most likely experienced grief. Grief is an intense feeling of sadness or sorrow. It is generally brought on by the loss of something or someone. The end of a long-term relationship, like a divorce, or the death of a family member may cause grief.

Grief is not always thought of as a full-body experience. But just as grief can affect mental health, it can also have physical aspects. Physical symptoms may not come with every kind of grief. But intense grief—for example, that caused by the death of a child or partner—can bring about side effects that may feel more physical than anything else.

Grief can trigger a number of mental health symptoms and issues. These might include depression, loneliness, and anxiety. The line between the grief period and a mental health issue may be hard to define. It can help to consult a trusted therapist or counselor if you are having trouble with grief or similar feelings.

Knowing which symptoms of grief to watch for may allow you to soothe and address any effects you experience. [fat_widget_right]

1. Heart Problems

Heart problems can be brought on by intense stress in a variety of situations. But there are particular heart risks associated with grief. One study found the death of a loved one to increase a person’s chance of a heart attack.

There’s also a specific temporary syndrome brought on by the death of a loved one called takotsubo cardiomyopathy, or “broken heart syndrome.” Broken heart syndrome is caused by a disruption in the blood being pumped to one section of the heart. Because of this, it mimics the effects of a heart attack—chest pain and shortness of breath—but is temporary. People with broken heart syndrome can undergo treatment for it. They may also choose to wait for the syndrome to reverse itself in a few weeks.

It is important to note that if you experience chest pain or shortness of breath over a long period of time, you should consult your doctor for deeper causes. This is true for any other severe or long-lasting physical effects of grief.

2. Lowered Immunity

Some people catch colds or come down with the flu during times of immense stress. They may notice they are more susceptible to these same ailments during a period of intense grieving. This is because in adults, grief can lower the immune system.

A 2014 study found that older adults experiencing grief, specifically due to the loss of a spouse, could not maintain a stress hormone balance. As a result, they experienced reduced neutrophil function. This means that during the grieving process, older adults are less likely to produce some types of white blood cells, leaving them prone to infections.

3. Body Aches and Pains

Aches and pains are a common physical symptom of grief. Grief can cause back pain, joint pain, headaches, and stiffness. The pain is caused by the overwhelming amount of stress hormones being released during the grieving process. These effectively stun the muscles they contact. Stress hormones act on the body in a similar way to broken heart syndrome. Aches and pains from grief should be temporary. If they persist over the long term, consult your physician.

4. Digestive Issues

The digestive tract can be sensitive to times of intense stress. It can be all too common to seek comfort in food during stressful periods or to experience a queasy stomach when anxious. Grief inspires these symptoms and others, such as a loss of appetite, weight loss, binge eating, nausea, and irritable bowel syndrome.

Knowing these symptoms are caused by grief can help alleviate them. When you feel an urge to eat when sad or notice you haven’t eaten all day because of that same sadness, it can be a good indicator to call a trusted friend or licensed mental health professional to set up an appointment.

5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Overeating or not eating enough during the grieving process is only one unhealthy coping mechanism people may experience. Some can be more harmful than others. People may turn to alcohol or cigarettes, the overuse of which can have long-lasting effects on the liver and lungs.

Others may engage in self-harming behavior, drug use, or other high-risk behaviors. All of these coping mechanisms can have intensely damaging, long-lasting effects on the body and brain. If you find yourself frequently engaging in behaviors like these to cope with grief, it is crucial you reach out to a trusted friend or licensed professional for help.

6. Sleep Problems and Fatigue

A 2017 study found that spouses who were bereaved by suicide had a higher risk of developing sleep issues. Sleep is supposed to be when the body and brain rest and repair themselves. Sleep disruption during grief can be especially frustrating. It can be debilitating to constantly feel both sad, anxious, and exhausted. Insomnia can be a common occurrence in those who are grieving. But it should only be temporary. A continued inability to sleep regularly or feel rested should be reported to your doctor.

When Grief Becomes a Cycle

Many people aspire to finish grieving and move on with their lives in a healthy way. But some may find this is harder than expected. It is possible for grief to become a cycle. Sometimes memories of loss or of a lost loved one may light up the reward receptors in the brain. This means that moving on or “letting go” can be much more difficult. Those memories and the grieving process can feed into an addictive feeling.

A cycle of grief can take a toll on a person’s physical and mental health. Continuing the grieving process for a long period of time means a person’s risk for long-term health problems is increased. What could have been a short-term symptom—chest pain, stomach aches, or sleep problems, for example—can manifest in much more serious ways. These could include heart disease, eating disorders, or chronic fatigue.

Managing Grief

It is important to seek help if you need it to regulate your mind-body connection. What gets thrown out of whack during the grieving process can, in fact, get back on track.

Building a healthy routine can be a first step to mitigating some of the physical symptoms of grief. Regular exercise and a nutritious diet can help with pain, heart risks, digestive issues, and sleep patterns. Talking about grief with family and friends or a licensed mental health professional can help address the grief directly. Doing so may also foster the development of healthy coping skills.

It is important to remember you are not alone. Asking for help may an important step during the grieving process. It can take time to heal, and that is normal. Grief cannot be rushed. But with love and compassion from family, and the help of a therapist, grief can come to an end.

References:

  1. Addicted to grief? Chronic grief activates pleasure areas of the brain. (2008, June 22). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080620195446.htm
  2. Broken heart syndrome. (2016, November 5). Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/broken-heart-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354617
  3. Erlangsen, A., et al. (2017). Association between spousal suicide and mental, physical, and social health outcomes. JAMA Psychiatry, 74(5), 456-464. doi: 10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2017.0226
  4. Gahles, N. (2016, November 22). The physical trauma of grief and loss. Retrieved from https://www.integrativepractitioner.com/topics/news/body-trauma-grief
  5. Mostofsky, E., Maclure, M., Sherwood, J. B., Tofler, G. H., Muller, J. E., & Mittleman, M. A. (2012, January 23). Risk of acute myocardial infarction after death of a significant person in one’s life. Circulation, 3(125), 491-496. doi: 10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.111.061770
  6. Qin, H., Cheng, C., Tang, X., Bian, Z. (2014, October 21). Impact of psychological stress on irritable bowel syndrome. World Journal of Gastroenterology, 20(39), 126-131. doi: 10.3748/wjg.v20.i39.14126
  7. Vitlic, A., Khanfer, R., Lord, J. M., Carroll, D., Philips, A. C. (2014, August 29). Bereavement reduces neutrophil oxidative burst only in older adults: role of the HPA axis and immunesenescence. Immunity & Ageing, 11(13). doi: 10.1186/1742-4933-11-13

Bernese Mountain Dog in a meadow at sunset mountains in the background.In the United States, there are almost as many pets as there are adult humans. Collectively, Americans keep 60 million dogs, 70 million cats, and a host of other animals as pets. More than half of all families in the U.S. have at least one pet, and many of those families consider their pets to be members of the family. Although the actual science is hard to quantify, most pet owners believe that their animal companion enriches the quality of their lives, which is why it can be so painful when they die.

Losing a beloved animal companion can be a heart-rending experience. Having to make the decision to euthanize a long- and still-cherished pet is arguably even more difficult. People often struggle with overwhelming feelings of grief, loss, and guilt after choosing to put their pets to sleep. These strong feelings that accompany euthanizing a pet come as the result of their roles in our lives and the strong bonds we are capable of developing with animals. In fact, research by Jaroleman indicates that the bond between people and their pets can have a direct impact on physical and mental health.

While losing a pet can affect us in profound ways and may be quite painful, there are several strategies that might be employed to help people cope successfully after putting a pet to sleep.

Prepare for the Grieving Process

Our animal companions provide us with love, support, and loyalty, and they often fulfill an important psychological need. When we are faced with the decision to euthanize our pets, it is the end of an important relationship—for some, one of the most important relationships in their lives. Many pet owners will experience some form of the grief, though each person will grieve differently. Though there are many different models for the grieving process, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross offered these five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying: [fat_widget_grief_right]

• Denial
• Bargaining
• Anger
• Depression
• Acceptance

The stages may not occur in any fixed order, and the duration and intensity of each stage can vary from person to person.

Do not be surprised if the pain you feel after putting your pet to sleep is deeper and sharper than you initially anticipated, so take the time you need to complete the grieving process. Losing companionship is never easy and it may take some time for you to come to terms with the changes in your family and life.

Seek Out Social Support

A cat on a veterinarian tableWhen we lose a close relative in death, the world around us tends to help us move through the grieving process. Family and friends may draw closer together for some time, we take time off from work, and people generally offer their support. The loss of a pet, however, is often met with much less sympathy or support. For example, a survey conducted by Quackenbush and Glickman revealed that 45% of pet owners that had lost a pet missed one to three days of work, even though most employers do not consider the loss of a pet to be grounds for bereavement leave.

While our immediate family members and veterinarians are likely able to relate to the pain we feel and offer needed support, some expect us to just “get on with it.” The world around us simply does not understand that our pet was not “just a dog” and that we cannot “just get a new one.”

According to research by Clements, Benasutti, and Carmone, “The loss or death of a pet, and the surrounding traumatic events, can unbalance existing social roles and family relationships, and can result in the disruption of dyadic relationships between the owner and other significant people (spouse, children, and colleagues).”

It is important not to push our friends and family members away, especially during this stressful time, and it may be helpful to open up to them and share our feelings. After all, who better to remind us of the wonderful times we shared together with our now departed pets?

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about how much your pet meant to you with your family and friends, consider making an appointment with a therapist. A therapist can provide healing support and help you understand the grieving process better. With time, he or she can provide tools and coping strategies to help you return to a normal life without your pet.

Anticipate a Change in Routine and Stay Busy with Meaningful Activities

Pet owners develop habits around their pets due to the dependency pets have on their human companions. Their very lives are at stake. Dedicated pet owners often set aside times for feeding, washing, and walking or exercising pets. For some people, their pets might even serve as living, breathing alarm clocks.

Humans are creatures of habit. We like to know what to expect and are comforted by the fact we exert a measure of control over our actions and responsibilities, but losing a pet dramatically alters that sense of routine and predictability. Quackenbush and Glickman’s survey of pet owners that had recently lost a pet found that 93% reported a disruption of their daily routines and 70% of respondents said their social activities diminished.

Considering this, it is easy to understand the emptiness a person might feel as he or she learns how to deal with life after a pet has been euthanized. Each day is now filled with standardized voids and blocks of time with nothing to do and no animal companion to fill them.

To help soothe your grief, fill these time slots with fun and meaningful activities, especially in the company of supportive companions. Play board games, go to the park, or have a dinner party—anything you might enjoy. You might even consider making a donation to an animal-rights charity in the name of your recently deceased pet. Here are a few other suggestions for activities that may help you heal:

References:

  1. Clements, P. T., Benasutti, K. M., & Carmone, A. (2003). Support for bereaved owners of pets. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, 39(2), 49-54. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/200756802?accountid=1229
  2. Jaroleman, J. (1998). A comparison of the reaction of children and adults: Focusing on pet loss and bereavement. Omega, 37, 133-150.
  3. Quackenbush, J. E., & Glickman, L. (1984). Helping people adjust to the death of a pet. Health and Social Work 9(1), 42-48.
  4. Sable, P. (1995). Pets, attachment, and well-being across the life cycle. Social Work, 40(3), 334-41. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/215272292?accountid=1229
  5. Spencer, S., Decuypere, E., Aerts, S., & De Tavernier, J. (2006). History and ethics of keeping pets: Comparison with farm animals. Journal of Agricultural and Environmental Ethics, 19(1), 17-25. doi:http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10806-005-4379-8
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