Healthy anger requires self-awareness, open communication, and the ability to self-soothe. When you can clearly describe your thoughts and feelings, be open to alternative perspectives, and problem-solve, you keep your anger in check and promote intimacy in relationships. On the other hand, if your anger feels out of your control, makes you “see red,” or even scares the people around you, you must develop a new way of expressing your anger.

Before you can rein in your anger, however, you must stop minimizing or justifying it. Look in the mirror and acknowledge your responsibility for your actions. Refrain from pointing the finger at others for setting you off or provoking you. Physical and verbal aggression never have a place in your relationships. There is always another option.

Once you have fully owned your anger, it is time to understand it. Explore the following aspects of your anger to learn more about its origin, its purpose, and how to address it.

1. How Long Has This Been Going On?

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Ask yourself if the way you manage your anger is new to your life or if it precedes your current situation. When you are honest with yourself, you may recognize a long-term pattern of losing your temper or expressing your anger in unhealthy ways. Perhaps you’ve always had a short fuse and taken your anger out on others. Perhaps you’ve taken your anger out on yourself through self-harm (substance abuse, self-injury, risk-taking, etc.). Allowing yourself to recognize the pattern will help you continue to take responsibility for your actions. You will have further evidence that something inside of you needs to heal.

If your anger does feel new, assess your life for anything unhealthy that impacts your behavior in a negative way. Substance abuse, toxic relationships, and recent trauma can all impact how you manage your anger. Traumatic brain injuries have also been known to alter personalities. Please be sure to address any emotional, situational, or medical factors that could be involved in learning to control your anger.

2. Is There a Cycle?

Use a diary or calendar to chart out when your angry episodes occur, their frequency, and what is going on in your life when they happen. Pay attention to the time between episodes, too. Describe your mood, physical sensations, stress level, and any events or interactions that take place on a daily basis. You might become aware of a gradual increase in tension or irritability that eventually builds up to an explosion. Be sure to note how you feel after an episode, identifying any remorse, shame, or even relief. This can help reinforce consequences of maintaining your angry behaviors and/or offer you valuable information regarding your stress-management needs.

When you tune into your daily experience, you will learn how your anger develops over time. You will gain a clearer picture of what triggers you; even small triggers add up! Even if your anger seems like it erupts quickly and without warning, there is usually something bubbling under the surface. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, a need to control your environment, or anxiety about your life situation can all lead to uncontrollable anger. The more you understand about what fuels your anger and how it progresses, the greater chance you have to address it with therapy, coping skills, or relaxation techniques.

3. Consider Your Family History

Who were your models of emotional expression? The way your parents or caregivers expressed feelings can influence how you recognize emotions and cope with them.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present.

In some families, anger is the only emotion expressed, which can limit your emotional vocabulary. Disappointment, hurt, and embarrassment can become confused with and communicated as anger. Your response to distress also depends highly on what you witnessed as a child. If you watched the important adults in your life act in aggressive or hurtful ways, you might learn to do the same.

Furthermore, families who struggle to experience the vast array of emotions may also struggle to accept and validate you for who you are. Long-lasting anger can develop when we have not been permitted to be ourselves and communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs openly.

4. Consider Your Personal History

Traumatic experiences of abuse, violence, or other life-threatening circumstances can create an unsafe view of the world and fuel a need to be on guard at all times. This kind of hypervigilance can make you interpret those around you as critical or deceptive, even when they have good or neutral intentions. You may also be justifiably angry at those who hurt you in your past; instead of healing those wounds, though, you take your pain out on those around you. It’s as if your current relationships are being asked to pay the penalty for crimes they did not commit.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present. You can live in the here-and-now with your loved ones, rather than reliving horrific experiences that no longer exist today. If it feels appropriate, you can learn to forgive those who hurt you, thereby letting go of the weight of the pain they caused you. You may also need to forgive yourself for any pain your anger caused the people you love.

Be kind and patient with yourself during this process, as it may reveal aspects of your life that are painful or uncomfortable. Seek support from a professional who is trained to assist you in your self-discovery. A therapist, meditation teacher, spiritual/religious advisor, etc., can help you learn valuable tools to heal past hurts, respond appropriately to a variety of emotions, and cope with the present-day experience of your anger.

In my articles on anger management, I frequently talk about how anger gets disguised as another emotion. Conversely, I also emphasize the reverse: other emotions left unnoticed and unacknowledged can turn into anger. In this article, I offer no disguises, no cover-ups. Witness instead a direct creator and perpetrator of anger.

I expect things. So do you, and so does everyone else. These expectations encompass virtually everything we conceive. We expect things about our bodies and minds, other people (along with their bodies and minds), our jobs, our pets, the sun and moon. If I sound a bit hyperbolic, it’s because I mean to emphasize this: the vast majority of the thoughts we have throughout any given day are comprised of expectations. And with these expectations—every single one of them—we create frustration, irritation, and anger.

An expectation, put in the simplest of terms, is a thought about the way we want something to be. Expectations can range from the obvious form of “I really want to get that job” to more subtle expressions that hardly go noticed, like heavy sighing or rolling one’s eyes. Regardless of what form an expectation takes, it ushers in personalized judgment about the way we think the world should be.

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Expectations trap us when we cannot see past them. When we lead with them and then meet up with something very different from our particular desire, anger is typically the result. At its core, anger expresses dissatisfaction with reality. All the different words for anger apply here: irritation, frustration, annoyance, being “miffed,” etc. The intensity of our anger is often directly correlated to the level of attachment we have to our expectations of reality.

It might seem as if I’ve made expectations out to be truly heinous. Usually at this point, a person I’m working with in therapy might say something like, “Well, then, I suppose I should have no expectations at all? Just have no standards?” On the contrary! Standards dictate our commitment, connection, and drive for excellence. What I shop here isn’t an end to expectations, but a renegotiation with them.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us. Toward a more functional use of expectations, I offer the use of what I call basic requirements.

Basic requirements express the base-level necessities that must be met for us to continue cultivating a relationship with another person, a job, a lifestyle, etc. Whereas expectations get used as billy clubs to bash over the head of a reality that doesn’t meet our desires, basic requirements take a more open stance. They state that certain things will need to be in place in order for the relationship to continue—for example, respect and trust in a committed romantic relationship. If for some reason the basic requirement isn’t met, both parties may move on.

The reason expectations so often create anger is we stubbornly keep insisting that the thing in question be different, be what we want. Basic requirements free us from this trap. Instead of staying locked in a constant struggle to get an experience from someone or something that just can’t supply it, we take our basic requirements elsewhere. We relieve ourselves of the need to be constantly angry, because we no longer resist the truth that X can’t give us Y.

Notice that attachment is the real culprit here. Basic requirements express how we want the world to be. Attachment keeps us locked in struggle. Freeing ourselves from chronic anger becomes easier and easier when we let ourselves move on from no-win situations.

Can you understand how a driver might want to ram another car off the roadway in a fit of rage just because he or she was cut off at a light? Maybe that’s even you? If so, you are not alone—more than 16 million people struggle with anger while driving.

Of course, anger rears its ugly head in many different forms—so-called “road rage” is just one. No one is immune to feelings of rage, frustration, anger, or irritation at one time or another. I have been coaching anger-management skills in my private practice over many years in addition to teaching 52-week, mandated domestic violence classes to male offenders and working with high school gang members. I am passionate about teaching pissed-off, posturing individuals why anger is one of the most important emotions they have and how it can be used to serve them.

When I am coaching anger-management skills, I am quick to start the conversation by emphasizing that the goal of what I am teaching is not to help a person never to experience anger. Anger will never go completely away for anyone. A primary goal of anger management is to help the person learn how to control his or her anger, learn from it, and use it appropriately in a given situation. (I am not suggesting that violent acts against others are ever appropriate; I am focusing on the underlying feelings of anger and what it is trying to tell us about ourselves.)

In my work with regular folks, gang members, and domestic violence offenders, I have found many ways that anger serves us, but these five seem to be the most prevalent:

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1. Anger sets boundaries around us when we feel threatened. When something feels intuitively wrong to us, as when we are being mistreated, we tend to feel anger. This is an internal sign to us that we need to remove ourselves from a situation that is not treating us well.
2. Anger covers up an emotion that we are not comfortable feeling. Many times when a person is angry, he or she actually has an underlying feeling going on, such as guilt, sadness, vulnerability, or fear. These feelings are so uncomfortable that the person would rather get angry than feel the underlying emotion. When you feel anger, one of the first questions to ask yourself is: what emotion am I trying to avoid?
3. Anger acts like a suit of armor. Anger keeps others away from us and gives us space. Many times this can be an effective defense mechanism if we need space or want to work something out. Teenagers use anger in this way a lot to give themselves space away from a situation that they are not able to handle.
4. Anger can prepare you for battle. As anyone who has ever gotten into a physical altercation with someone threatening can tell you, you need to energize yourself and pump up your adrenaline in a way that will be accessible to you in an emergency. Anger can harness your power in order to physically protect you if you are being hurt.
5. Anger can point you to unresolved internal issues. If you find yourself having feelings of anger when you think of someone in your life, an issue from your childhood, or a future event that you are dreading, you more than likely have something unresolved going on. Maybe your friend asked you to help host a neighborhood barbecue and you have trouble saying no, when you really don’t want to help. You feel resentment and anger toward your friend, when in fact you are the one who has trouble setting boundaries and saying no. Or maybe you hold anger from a breakup that has left you lacking in trust of the opposite sex, and every time you think of your ex you get angry and bitter. You can use this feeling of anger to realize that you may need to get some closure or process this termination of your relationship so you can learn how to let it go and move on.

In learning how to become a better listener to your feelings of anger as they arise, you can begin to learn things about yourself that you may not have known. You will never be free of anger popping up in your life, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. As the above list points out, anger is an incredibly valuable guide to help you gain insight into your true self.

In my introductory article on anger management, I introduced you to the notion that anger management per se often misses the mark. Spending all our time and energy handling our anger in more productive, pro-social ways can get tiring if we constantly have anger bubbling up that needs to be managed. Wouldn’t it be nice, for once, to be able to sit back and enjoy yourself rather than constantly spin inside your managerial role? It’s not too good to be true, but you must know going in that getting to this place will take considerable effort at first. Perseverance, patience, and kindness will serve you well in this endeavor.

To begin, we must understand the nature of anger. When not experienced as a secondary emotion (more on this shortly), anger occurs as a result of being a part of or witnessing a wrong. If we or a loved one are in harm’s way, the energy we call anger wells up, leading to two things: (1) an often laser-like focus on the wrong occurring and (2) increased energy to do something about it. We can view anger in this sense as organically pro-social. It occurs in relation to harm that we think must be prevented or averted. Barring any illegal, immoral, or self-harming act, expression of this type of anger can generally be viewed favorably. Sometimes called “righteous anger,” imagine Jesus routing out the bankers from the temple to get an image of what I’m referring to here.

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As you may have already guessed, the vast majority of the anger we experience on a regular basis does not fit into the first category described above. Rather, the anger we generally need to “manage” falls into the category described as a secondary emotion. In brief, a secondary emotion is one that emanates from a judgment about a primary emotion. They generally occur due to our unwillingness to fully accept and feel the primary emotion. The primary emotion is usually one that feels physically uncomfortable and might also have a social stigma attached that reinforces the tendency to keep it held in. Sadness, guilt, anxiety, and fear are most often the primary emotions that get transformed into anger. As a result of judging and therefore suppressing their full expression, their energy “becomes” anger.

In my next article, I will cover in greater detail how to work with fear and anxiety. In this article, I wish to focus on sadness. Sadness occurs when we have lost something significant. Losing a job or the death of a loved one are obvious causes of sadness, but all too often we do not catch the more subtle triggers. At its core, we experience sadness when we’ve lost something that supports our self-identity. The reason sadness hurts is because we’re experiencing the absence of a psychological part of ourselves, not unlike losing a limb.

Feeling our sadness is important because it sanctifies the thing lost. Sadness fully expressed allows us to honor the missing aspect in our lives. This process reinforces the importance of reengaging in life so that we may begin cultivating the missing value. Not feeling our sadness prevents us from accessing the importance of the thing lost. Once we inquire into our sadness with kind curiosity, we will find that some value or quality is missing.

So how do you put all of this information into practical use? We’re all fond of steps, and I’m not here to disappoint:

1. When you get angry, sit down and begin to feel the energy in your body. Rather than ranting and raving, start taking stock of your bodily tension. (Yes, this is very difficult at first. With practice you’ll get better, I promise.) Once some of the energy has subsided, ask yourself what you’re sad about. Usually something specific—and quite often completely unrelated to the thing that caused you to be angry in the first place—pops in.
2. Once you’ve accessed the trigger of your sadness, it’s time to feel sad. I can already hear you grumbling. I know, feeling sadness isn’t pleasant, and that’s why so many of us avoid the sensation. A little trick I learned, and teach, is to say “yes” or nod your head when the sensation of sadness is felt. Acknowledging our emotion in this way makes it easier to access. Now, fully feel the sadness without judging or commenting. (This part is a bit difficult as well. It takes much practice to learn to feel our physical sensations without any accompanying thoughts.)
3. Once the sadness has subsided—and it will subside—you can begin the process of inquiry. Ask yourself what was lost. If it’s not obvious, look to core values that you prize, such as kindness, fairness, support, etc. Often, we get angry when these core values aren’t experienced in ourselves or in our relationships.
4. Patience and honesty in this process will often lead you to the missing value. Now that you’ve found it, it’s simply a matter of going out into the world and cultivating the very quality that went missing in the first place. This might look like being kind to coworkers, patience with your children, or being gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. Regardless of the quality expressed, your sense of power and accomplishment will increase.

Although the above steps are simply laid out, it will take you a few goes before you really get a handle on the entire process. We’ve come a long way from talking about anger. To bring that aspect back, recognize now that underneath much of our anger is a sense of powerlessness in the face of losing something sacred. When we re-access that missing component, we reclaim our power and, ultimately, our sense of peace.

A new study published in Psychological Science links anger to increased motivation for reward, a feature that some might associate with more positive emotions. Interestingly, this study doesn’t just link anger in general with motivation in general: instead, people actually showed the strongest desire for specific items they associated with anger. The study’s authors relate this tendency to evolution: if food supply is limited, for example, those who feel food-related anger will fight harder to win that food. This backs up one of the chief understandings behind anger management therapy: that anger is a healthy part of adult life, which helps us protect ourselves and meet our needs. But like any strong emotion, there are both healthy and unhealthy ways of channeling it.