Woman looking thoughtfully out a windowIn the years following the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, media reports of veteran violence began accumulating. Formerly social and kind people returned from war angry, and often violent. Rates of domestic violence among former combatants surged. Some veterans killed their partners or families. Many people were shocked, but the truth is that research has long linked PTSD to feelings of anger, and even violent aggression. People with PTSD may be angry about the trauma they survived or feel helpless or out of control.

In the popular imagination, posttraumatic stress (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder. Many envision people who cannot leave their homes, who are easily triggered into fear or panic attacks. Anger, though, is a common symptom of PTSD—so common, in fact, that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) specifically lists anger as a common emotional reaction among people with PTSD. Feelings of anger can make it difficult to get support from loved ones. A person who feels angry or out of control may feel guilty or ashamed, intensifying the isolation of experiencing trauma.

Even when loved ones want to be supportive, they may not fully understand the severity of the trauma, leaving trauma survivors feeling as if their suffering has been ignored or forgotten.

The Link Between Anger and PTSD

Trauma can be deeply isolating. Loved ones may not understand the trauma or may react inappropriately. For example, rape survivors frequently report being interrogated about their own behavior, while returning soldiers say that civilians are often eager to ask about violent combat experiences. Even when loved ones want to be supportive, they may not fully understand the severity of the trauma, leaving trauma survivors feeling as if their suffering has been ignored or forgotten. This can trigger anger, distrust of others, and related emotions.

Trauma itself may also cause feelings of anger. For example, a birthing person abused by a doctor may be angry both about the abuse and about losing a more positive birth experience. A child abuse survivor may have overwhelming feelings of anger directed at their abuser.

Sometimes a person’s feelings of anger are complicated. A returning solider might be angry about politicians who do not understand war, while also feeling proud about their service. An adult child abuse survivor may love their parents but be very angry about the abuse they suffered. These mixed emotions can make it difficult to manage feelings of anger and rage. In some cases, a person might feel like their anger is unacceptable or be unable to articulate why they feel angry or at whom.

How Anger Complicates PTSD Symptoms

Spending time with an angry person can be difficult. The friends and family of people struggling with PTSD-related anger may eventually grow tired of dealing with mood swings or angry outbursts. They may experience compassion fatigue or even end their relationship with their loved one. This can intensify feelings of alienation and anger.

People with anger from PTSD may feel both ashamed of their emotions and entitled to them. This challenging cocktail makes it difficult to talk about how they feel or to try new coping strategies. For example, when a person feels righteously indignant about being abused, they may not want to try meditation or other coping skills. After all, the thinking goes, they shouldn’t have to have experienced trauma, and shouldn’t be the one stuck coping with the after-effects. While these feelings make perfect sense, they can also be quite self-defeating.

Research has also uncovered a correlation between PTSD, anger, and other mental health conditions. A 2014 analysis, for example, found that 30.3% of people with intermittent explosive disorder (IED) also have PTSD, compared to 14.3% in the general population. When a person presents with a secondary condition, such as depression or IED, their PTSD may go unnoticed and untreated. This prolongs their suffering and may cause them to drop out of treatment, especially when they do not see results.

Other Symptoms That May Co-Occur with Anger

The hallmarks of PTSD include persistently reliving memories or experiences associated with the trauma, such as in dreams, flashbacks, or emotions during the day. People with PTSD also may avoid stimuli associated with the trauma, and experience depression, sadness, anxiety, and anger.

People who experience PTSD-related anger are more likely to experience certain other symptoms, such as:

Getting Help for PTSD-Related Anger

PTSD can disrupt a person’s life and relationships. It can make them feel hopeless and even suicidal. But no one has to live with the aftereffects of trauma forever. PTSD is highly treatable. Some strategies that can help include:

A person may have to experiment with treatment options or therapists before they find what works for them. This persistence can be challenging for someone who is already in pain. Friends and family should offer support, research treatment best practices, and remind their loved one that there is hope.

As with all mental health diagnoses, it is important to note that PTSD, even PTSD that causes intense anger, does not make violence inevitable. People with mental health conditions are far more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators. Stigmatizing mental health issues can deter treatment, especially when people are dismissed as violent or needlessly angry.

Find a compassionate therapist who understands the many complex emotions a person with PTSD faces here.

References:

  1. Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (U.S.). (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (U.S.)
  2. Mental health myths and facts. (2017, August 29). Retrieved from https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/mental-health-myths-facts
  3. Morris, D. J. (2014, April 17). PTSD contributes to violence. Pretending it doesn’t is no way to support the troops. Slate. Retrieved from https://slate.com/technology/2014/04/ptsd-and-violence-by-veterans-increased-murder-rates-related-to-war-experience.html
  4. Reardon, A. F., Hein, C. L., Wolf, E. J., Prince, L. B., Ryabchenko, K., & Miller, M. W. (2014). Intermittent explosive disorder: Associations with PTSD and other Axis I disorders in a US military veteran sample. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 28(5), 488–494. doi: 10.1016/j.janxdis.2014.05.001

Cracked and scattered eggshells“I spent so many years walking on eggshells … never doing or saying the right thing. One day I decided I’d had enough and stomped all over them. Those broken eggshells cut me deeply as I walked away … but this … was the most beautiful pain I had ever felt.” —S. L. Heaton

In my marriage counseling practice, I find that many people in intimate relationships walk on eggshells. Extremely cautious about their words and actions, they may be fearful of being “wrong” or upsetting their partners. Often, they are concerned they will be seen as incompetent, inadequate, unattractive, or as having another negative trait that could cause them to feel unwanted of be rejected.

When you receive the judgment, criticism, or anger of another, the impact may be felt in two ways. The initial assault takes the form of words or actions; the second impact has a cumulative effect. It occurs when a memory of anger or disapproval is stored, emotionally and physically, in your mind. This second impact can cause far more damage in the long run, leading to a loss self-confidence and identity. It’s similar to secondhand smoke—you may not be aware of its effects until it reaches a certain level of accumulation. [fat_widget_right]

If you frequently find yourself the recipient of someone else’s anger or feel you are walking on eggshells, the long-term effects can be just as detrimental. It’s wise to limit such exposure and protect yourself from this residual anger as best you can.

The Effects of Secondhand Anger

Unchecked anger can lead to resentment and dramatically impact your well-being and self-worth. Resentment exceeds momentary episodes of anger that come and go and extends into the past. In advanced stages, it even bleeds into the future and keeps you stuck in a devalued state. You may constantly feel you’re being unappreciated, disrespected, and treated unfairly.

When living with an angry or abusive partner, it is not only the nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism, or other demeaning behavior that can cause emotional damage. Attempts to prevent and de-escalate those often painful episodes can also harm one’s emotional well-being. By constantly trying to keep the peace or maintain the impression of a pleasant connection, people often become tethered to a person who controls them through emotions and impulsive needs.

Signs You Are Walking on Eggshells

The daily lives of many are defined by their partner’s moods. This can be an exhausting and draining existence, but it is possible to change. The first step in this change is to identify whether you are in this situation.

Here are few signs you are walking on eggshells. You might:

Walking on eggshells over an extended period of time can cause you to lose your authenticity and sense of self. You may internalize your partner’s blame, criticism, anger, and even abusive behaviors, or you may absorb them and become resentful and aggressive yourself. Neither of these cases are conducive to a healthy state of mind.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you.

When you give others the ability to make you feel bad about yourself, you are more likely to react negatively to them and try to lessen their power over you. If you realize you are responsible for how you feel, you may be able to respond calmly and confidently when someone attempts to put you down. No matter how strong the trigger or challenge might be, you can become less receptive to someone else’s insensitivity or unkindness.

Developing the resilience to stand up to someone who is provoking or ridiculing you can lessen their impact and power over you. You may no longer need to depend upon them for validation and feel fewer urges to lash out angrily. Instead, you will be able to keep your cool and maintain your power. Your new sense of self may become virtually indestructible.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells in your relationships with others, contact a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My parents have three children, and I’m the least favorite. They’ve never said it in those exact words, but it’s obvious in the way they act. My two younger sisters are spoiled rotten. They don’t do half the chores I did at their ages. My parents pay for any clothes or gadgets they ask for. One of them is getting a car for her next birthday. Meanwhile, I’m working part time in between college classes just to afford textbooks.

Whenever I bring up the difference in treatment, my parents get really defensive. They argue they were just teenagers when they had me, so they couldn’t afford nice things like they can today. But if they have money now, shouldn’t they split it evenly between their kids? I mean, I know at 19 I’m technically an adult, but all my friends’ parents at least try to pitch in with college expenses. Mine are the only ones who don’t pay anything.

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It’s not just money, either. I visit home every other weekend, but my parents basically ignore me. Whenever we have company over, my parents will brag on and on about my sisters, but I’m always mentioned as an afterthought. I feel like a ghost in my own house.

I feel like I shouldn’t care this much. I’m an adult, so I shouldn’t be chasing after my parents’ approval. But I can’t stop obsessing about it. I’ll literally lie awake at night, just being angry. Sometimes I’ll find myself snapping at my sisters, even though they’re just kids and it’s not their fault for being the favorites.

Is there a way I can get my parents to see how unfair this all is? I sort of want to stop visiting home, just to see how they’d react. Is that petty? Should I just accept that I’m the least favorite kid and move on? —The Unfavorite

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Unfavorite,

Thank you for writing. Perhaps no relationships are as complicated as family relationships. It’s not unusual for oldest children to feel like they get the short end of the stick while their younger siblings get spoiled.

Often, as the family dynamics change, there are some very real differences in what parents are able to offer their children. If your parents were teenagers when you were born, it is likely you had a starkly different childhood than your siblings. Is it fair? No. Rarely are family dynamics fair. Generally, most parents try to meet the needs of their children that they are able to meet. There may have been needs of yours they were not able to meet that they can meet now for your sisters.

It seems, though, that bringing these disparities to your parents’ attention is triggering their defenses rather than empathy for you. It could be your observations are heard as a criticism of your childhood rather than as a wish that things could be more equitable now. While there may be many reasons your family dynamics are what they are, none of this diminishes the pain you feel.

There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

It may be helpful to think about what you want in terms of a relationship with your parents independent of what your sisters are experiencing. If you would like financial support with schooling, perhaps you could ask for it—not because your sisters have so much more than you did, but because it would be helpful to you. If you keep your sisters and any comparisons to them out of the picture, you might be able to focus on your relationship with your parents and reduce the defensiveness you’ve experienced from them.

You may also want to work with a licensed professional to explore why their approval is as important to you as it seems to be. There are likely some core messages you are getting from your family experiences that are creating significant distress. Working with a therapist may help you reframe your experiences in a way that brings you peace.

Whatever path you follow, if you focus on how unfair things are, you may only build resentment that creates a barrier between you and all members of your family. If you want to have healthy relationships with your parents and your sisters, finding ways to remove resentment will be essential.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Surreal photo of person in bowler hat with cloud in place of headIn my years as a therapist, I’ve worked with many people who have varying anger issues. I’ve seen the devastating results that unchecked anger can have on people’s lives. Anger that turns into a tornado of rage, seemingly in seconds, can manifest as physical and emotional abuse, road rage, murder, or suicide.

Anger can be healthy if it is processed in the moment with productive language meant to resolve conflict rather than to inflame it. When anger only addresses the current circumstances and can be released fairly quickly after being expressed, it can provide the energy to move forward from emotional injury.

The Continuum of Anger

The continuum of anger moves from slight irritation to frustration, mild anger to anger, and extreme anger to rage. Some people can recognize, when in the earlier stages of this continuum, that they are becoming increasingly agitated. Once they notice this, they may be able to slow their anger down enough to address the fueling factors in a different way. [fat_widget_right]

But recognizing unhealthy anger before it leads to a destructive explosion can be a complex task, for many reasons. Anger tends to look like raw emotion on the surface. But closer examination reveals it to be a response, or set of responses, to a cluster of other emotions. These other emotions might include sadness, fear, or despair. For many, these emotions result from a collection of hurtful situations in their past—betrayals, abuse, rejections, and so on—that may have been buried and unresolved.

It is from within these tangled layers of unresolved emotions that rage is born. Rage is unleashed anger with no filter or control. It can often rob a person’s mind of logic and reason in the moment. As a result, it can temporarily disable the concepts such as ethics and social boundaries that might otherwise exist for that person.

Anger tends to look like raw emotion on the surface. But closer examination reveals it to be a response, or set of responses, to a cluster of other emotions. These other emotions might include sadness, fear, or despair.

Unmanaged, chaotic rage often circles around a painful life experience—an event from the past or events, large or small, sequenced throughout a lifetime. This pain continues to manifest more of the same destruction for self and others through its mere existence. Over time, repeated rages and traumas all bleed in together to create an emotional time bomb. This is often more than anyone can bear.

If you struggle with anger, these therapeutic steps can help you reclaim and manage anger in healthy way.

1. Unlock your feelings.

Beginning to unlock the feelings inside rage is one of the most effective ways of “de-clustering” it. This is also probably the scariest and most difficult step, at least initially. These feelings have often been under lock and key for so long that they seem invisible, even suppressed. But they never quite go away.

By pulling feelings that have been caged in fear out of the darkness and giving them a voice that isn’t angry, you are honoring them. This is a very sensitive process. It is usually best accomplished with help from a therapist who can gently honor those feelings with you.

2. Express feelings in words rather than in action.

As emotions begin to emerge, they become more distinct from one another. For example, you may be better able to distinguish disappointment from outrage. It’s important to learn how to express those feelings more precisely without violence. Words spoken without a “feeling vocabulary,” or words that accurately name the feelings, can be received as an assault. Verbal assault can be as deeply wounding as physical abuse and may become self-wounding as well.

3. Use meditative tools.

The healing process takes time. In order to de-escalate anger in the moment, some meditative or mindfulness tools can be useful. I often offer a few simple exercises that, with practice, can slow matters down to a more manageable pace:

Neither of these tools are permanent fixes. But they can increase your ability to control your actions in the moment.

4. Be vulnerable.

As you master identifying and naming your feelings and using tools to better manage them, the healing process needs to continue internally. As you heal, you will become better able to address the wounds behind the anger and rage.

Vulnerability is scary at first. But it is, paradoxically, the door that leads to the greatest opportunity for sustained healing. The more authentically open you can allow yourself to be with yourself and others, the greater the chances trust can build, inside and outside.

5. Forgive and respect yourself and others.

This is the ultimate goal. It’s also an ongoing skill to master. To truly and fully learn how to forgive yourself for pain you’ve caused others, and to forgive others for the pain they’ve caused you, is something you’ll be challenged to do for the rest of your life. But once you’ve gained this ability, the rewards are endless. Likewise, learning to actively respect who you are beyond the pain you’ve endured, and to respect those you dare to love, is the best reward of all.

The solutions for episodes of anger turned to rage are not easy fixes. But through sustained work, solutions can often be found. This work may be difficult, but it is possible. A compassionate, qualified counselor can offer guidance and support as you begin.

Person with crew cut and some facial hair sits in front of laptop, chin in hand, looking tired and drainedHow do you feel right now? Great? Okay? Not so good?

If you aren’t feeling your best, taking a moment to HALT is one of the best things you can do for your overall mental and physical health.

“Halt” translates to “stop” in German. But HALT is also an acronym that stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. When one or more of these areas are out of balance, it is more likely we will struggle with health and overall well-being as a result. I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on whether you are feeling any of these things.

Let’s break each area down.

Hunger

Think about how poorly you feel when you are hungry. When your blood sugar gets low, you may get a headache, become irritable, or find it difficult to concentrate. These effects are the result of the brain releasing certain chemicals that interfere with the production of serotonin, a feel-good chemical.

We might jokingly say we are “hangry,” but this is a real thing. Hunger can put the body in an imbalanced state that can lead to mood swings, affect our ability to make decisions, and lower our impulse control. When you get physically hungry, it’s important to refuel your brain and body with nutritious food. If you know you are going to have a long workday, drive, or carpool ride, plan ahead. Assemble meals and snacks that include fruits, nuts, cheese, yogurt, or protein bars. It’s also important to stay hydrated. Water and decaffeinated teas offer many health benefits. [fat_widget_right]

Hungry can also refer to how we feel emotionally. Sometimes our everyday tasks and schedules take a toll on our mood and well-being. If you are bored with your routine, consider doing something to mix it up. Spend time with someone you haven’t seen in a while. Take an impromptu car trip! You might even consider trying an activity you have never done before—research shows that the human brain produces dopamine, a feel-good chemical, when we experience things for the first time.

If you aren’t feeling your best, taking a moment to HALT is one of the best things you can do for your overall mental and physical health.

If your emotional hunger persists for more than several weeks, it may be time to assess your routine. It’s one thing to experience a draining period while pushing through to meet a deadline, but quite another when the thought of work or facing certain people only inspires dread. If this is the case, it may be time to explore making some changes. If your activities of daily living are negatively being affected or if you often turn to unhealthy behaviors or substances to cope, the support of a therapist or counselor may be beneficial.

Anger

When we are angry or experiencing negative emotions, we may not be able to think rationally. If you feel angry, take some time to calm down first. Try to talk through what you are feeling with someone. Then you may feel better able to address the problem. If the issue is a chronic one, it can be helpful to break it down into manageable tasks. If you are able to take even one step forward, you are likely to feel less hopeless and helpless about the situation.

When in the midst of anger, it is generally a good idea to wait at least two hours (and maybe even speak to someone in person) before touching technology. In other words, no texting, tweeting, e-mailing, or posting! You don’t want to impulsively put something out in cyberspace that you may regret later when you are in a more rational state.

Loneliness

We all experience loneliness at times in our lives. Even when people surround us, we may not be actively interacting with them. What’s more, with all of our modern technology, many of us are plugged in electronically but not connected emotionally. Think about the number of times you may have made a problem much worse in your head by imagining the situation into a catastrophe. Once you actually talked out what was wrong, you gained a much more positive perspective.

It’s generally a good idea to reach out every day and connect face-to-face with other people, whenever possible. Isolation can be a breeding ground for depression and unhealthy choices. Even brief encounters can help reduce feelings of loneliness and have a positive impact on well-being.

Tiredness

Making sure we get enough sleep at night can help improve not only our physical well-being, but also our emotional health. When we are physically and emotionally tired, we are often more likely to engage in more negative thinking patterns and interactions. How much sleep is “enough”? Experts recommend seven to nine hours. Anything less than six can have damaging effects, such as an increased risk of accidents, diabetes, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

It’s also important to practice good sleep hygiene. I know sleep hygiene is a funny phrase. It doesn’t mean you’re a dirty sleeper. It refers to the habits that make restful sleep more conducive. These habits include getting up and going to bed around the same time each day, reducing distractions that interrupt sleep (pets, television, or the phone), monitoring caffeine and sugar intake, managing stressors, and limiting exposure to bright lights (light interrupts the biological process that allows melatonin levels to rise and help us drift off to sleep).

In Conclusion

When you find yourself getting upset, or if you just feel a bit off: HALT. Take a moment to do an internal assessment. Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If so, take the steps necessary to address your needs. Note if you often tend to be out of balance in one area. Be intentional about correcting that area. By proactively making sure you never get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired, you can help protect yourself against many illnesses and mental health symptoms.

References:

  1. Dean, N. (2018, February 26). The Importance of Novelty. Brain World. Retrieved from http://brainworldmagazine.com/the-importance-of-novelty
  2. Hunger hormone increases during stress, may have antidepressant effect. (2008, June 16). UT Southwestern Medical Center. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/06/080615142252.htm
  3. LaMotte, S. (2017, September 27). Sacrificing sleep? Here’s what it will do to your health. CNN. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/19/health/dangers-of-sleep-deprivation/index.html

Two people with banks and hair pulled back looking out through masks held to sideAnger is a strong emotion, one that has been conditioned or taught out of many women from an early age. We are taught instead to cry, stuff it, and otherwise dissemble, or hide our true feelings. It seems that, for many women, anger is simply not an acceptable emotion to have, much less show.

As a woman and as a therapist, I have often delved into the angry sides of the women I work with, helping them explore avenues to use and express that anger more honestly and safely. I encourage women to acknowledge their anger, even as a secondary emotion, because I view it as part of a complete human’s vast array of complex emotional experiences.

How Anger and Vulnerability Intersect

Recently, I have started to wonder about the intersection of female anger and vulnerability. Through my own work with a therapist, I began to recognize that my own anger often masked the very real hurt I was feeling, and that I would often choose anger over vulnerability. In those moments, I would feel strong, powerful, and righteous. But then I would be left feeling empty, incomplete, and full of anxiety that I had acted poorly. Expressing my anger, especially before I had time to reflect on the situation, never left me feeling that I had expressed myself well or fully. The differences between reacting and responding never felt clearer to me than in the aftermath of an angry interaction. In short, anger was a crapshoot—one I had been the proud standard-bearer of with those I worked with in therapy.

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In my opinion, female empowerment—when it comes to emotions, at least—has always been about finding ways to no longer feel ashamed of anything that made me a woman. In other words, empowerment meant my ability to be loudly and proudly feminine, masculine, sad, happy, silly, or sexy without worrying that I was acting “wrong.” What I hadn’t realized was that couched in this empowerment was a deep-seated personal belief that to be vulnerable was to be female—this was something I struggled with greatly. I found that to be proudly angry whenever I felt it was the better of two options. That is, until I noticed my anger never left me feeling true to myself.

The question of how to be vulnerable while honoring underlying feelings such as anger is an interesting one. I’ve had to ask myself, “Why do I feel this way? What am I actually sad about?” I visualize myself as a coin. The glaring, shiny side is my anger, but the other side—a little rusty from lack of use—is, nine times out of 10, my hurt, sadness, loneliness, and fear. These emotions are often heavy and numbing, not at all the powerful motivating force I was used to when I simply embraced my anger to my own detriment. Vulnerability, my rusty side of the coin, was the missing ingredient preventing me from acknowledging my full emotional experience.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief.

My eureka moment, if I can call it that, was when I realized that if I knew anger was a secondary emotion, I needed to start using it as a secondary emotion. In other words, I needed to take the time to reflect on what I was feeling, making sure to acknowledge the rusty side of my coin, and then choose how to respond based on that rusty side. My anger, the secondary emotion, could wait. It wasn’t going to move me forward in a way I felt good about.

While it is never easy to consciously decide to respond from a place of vulnerability, I have found it often leads to a real sense of relief. Some of the weight is lifted from my shoulders, and I have more clarity around what I want as an end result, whether this is restored connection, mutual understanding, forgiveness, or love.

The new stance I take is helping the women I work with find their own crossroads with difficult emotions. While I believe anger is still a relatively difficult emotion for women, I can now offer a more balanced perspective on honoring the emotion while also looking underneath it to determine potential next steps.

Knowing the differences between responding and reacting, finding ways to slow down and consider the hoped-for outcome of a difficult interaction, and checking in with the rusty side of the coin are all parts of the process I now use when anger shows up—in myself and in the people I work with.

If you have been struggling with difficult emotions, I hope you will seek support from a therapist or counselor to help provide clarity, compassion, and a safe space to work through self-judgement and achieve a more complete sense of self.

Reference:

Sladek Nowlis, R. (2000, January 28). Comparison of anger expression in men and women reveals surprising differences. University of California San Francisco News Center. Retrieved from https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2000/01/5027/comparison-anger-expression-men-and-women-reveals-surprising-differen

Holding small bunch of flowers ready to plant in soilI, like many other people, grew up in a less-than-ideal environment. The circumstances got in the way of my personal development. At the same time, that environment contributed to and shaped the person that I have become.

I could assign blame for my problems and unhealthy decisions on my childhood or my parents or my teachers. However, any such statement would be unrealistic and untruthful. The fact is my parents did the best they could considering their limitations (challenges, information, copying skills, abilities, etc.). My parents provided me with many of the values I possess today and will always be my greatest teachers. Yes, my parents have made some decisions I wish they wouldn’t have, but to blame them demonstrates a narrow and limited perspective—and, more importantly, takes away any personal responsibility on my part.

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Blame outsources solution and responsibility. It is often used to divert attention from ourselves, and hands control over our life to something or someone else. As such, blaming and condemnation only create pain and breed resentment and further anger.

The tendency to blame is driven by our inability to foresee a better way of dealing with a distressing situation. We tend to blame when we are in distress because it allows us to preserve the self-satisfying narrative of helplessness/victimhood and self-righteousness. We excuse our shortcomings as the result of other people’s wrongdoings or actions.

In his book, Anger: The Inner Teacher, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin quotes Chazon Ish as saying:

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A wise man will not get angry at an insane person who wrongs him. This should be our attitude towards someone who wrongs us because of a lack of spiritual sensitivity and lack of good character. There is really no difference between a person who lacks sanity and a person who behaves improperly.

Responsibility requires pivoting from blaming external factors to empowering internal forces. There is no point in blaming. Besides, blame amplifies anger and moves us away from responsibility toward victimhood. The stance of victimhood is a powerful and rigid one, as the victim is always morally right and forever entitled to sympathy.

Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others.

Everyone in life does what they know how to do given the conditions of their lives. We will never know exactly where people came from or what circumstances they grew up in or are experiencing now. Perhaps they experienced abuse as a child. Maybe they were bullied at school. What if they are currently in a relationship that is belittling and demeaning?

When you are willing to accept total responsibility for every facet of your life, you are able to live life open to possibilities and to let go of the need to blame others. Conversely, if you repeatedly blame your mother, your husband, your president, or anyone else for your situation, it’s harder to be happy and at peace.

Letting go of blame is not easy. Keep in mind, though, that letting go of blame toward someone who has wronged you does not mean you let that person off the hook. It simply means you are concerned with the here-and-now and being responsible for your own future actions. You are choosing not to judge the other person. You are choosing instead to be responsible and move toward freedom.

Seeing your challenges in others and watching them battle the same irritations and frustrations you have dealt with can be a gateway toward greater tolerance and empathy. Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others. It can also be used as a guide to learn to respond with greater understanding and compassion rather than blaming.

The training ground for compassion is experiencing difficult feelings and sensing that your sense of self and its safety are being compromised. When you reach out with compassion to your worst enemy, it can trigger deep fears. These are opportunities to learn about yourself and develop equanimity, forbearance, and responsibility.

If you blame yourself, others, or circumstances for your conditions, you are resisting reality. This is a position from which you cannot create. Accept reality and take responsibility for your life. Empower yourself to create the life you want. If you need help or guidance, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Pliskin, Z. (1997). Anger: the inner teacher. New York: Mesorah Publications Ltd.

Rear view of adult with long hair standing in foggy forest among tall reesI witness daily how believing circumstances should be different can negatively affect one’s life. I observe this dilemma not only in my work as a psychologist, but in my own life. Recently, I became stuck at a European airport on my way back to the United States. The delay was weather related, as the airplane we were scheduled to take could not get to us due to storms on the North American east coast. As I grumbled along, checking in and out of security while waiting at the airport for about 12 hours, I noticed I was becoming increasingly miserable. When I examined the situation, I realized my state of mind was not a result of being cold, starving, or mistreated. My misery was largely due to my expectation that the plane “should” be there to take me home; when it wasn’t, I was angry and irritable.

As it dawned on me how I was the source of my own misery, I remembered learning about Albert Ellis, who developed rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT). He would frequently tell others to stop “shoulding” on themselves. In essence, denying what actually is and feeling that a situation or person should be different to make our lives better is a cognitive distortion. When we feel that some other person or entity is the cause of our misery, we are in some ways acting entitled, as if the world should bend to our wishes and needs. As the situation at the airport unraveled—resulting in an overnight hotel stay, a 33-hour delay, and a different airline returning me to the U.S.—I observed firsthand how we create our own misery and often misattribute that suffering to someone or something else.

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On the second day of waiting at the airport, a large group of passengers from my flight began to cling and complain together. As I approached the group and heard their remarks, I could feel the negativity radiating from them. I quickly decided to stand near another group of passengers I stood in line next to the night before. This group chatted and joked, shared about their lives, and had a much more positive attitude. As the hours rolled by, I noticed we were actually having a good time! We had fun spending our meal vouchers on junk food, learned about each other’s homes and families, and held places for each other in line to give each person a break to sit. We took the opportunity to connect with each other in a way that would not have been possible had the plane left on schedule the day before.

The more negative group, on the other hand, began to almost riot. Airport security was called to keep them in check, and the angry passengers threatened to call the mayor of the city, file claims of human rights violations, and basically made the situation awful. We were all in the same situation, yet one group decided to make it miserable, while others decided to make the best of it. This experience opened my eyes to just how much power and choice we often have in a situation, even when there are circumstances beyond our control.

It is not someone else’s responsibility to remove all obstacles and make a smooth path to our success and comfort. Thinking otherwise is just an unproductive illusion.

Now, I am not suggesting that anyone put up with abuse or mistreatment. While I do believe fair and humane treatment is a must, beyond those basic considerations, no one owes us anything. It is not someone else’s responsibility to remove all obstacles and make a smooth path to our success and comfort. Thinking otherwise is just an unproductive illusion. Next time you feel upset or irritated, consider what you might change, even if it is quite small, to improve the situation or your experience of the situation.

Tom Evans, one of my favorite guided meditation instructors, suggests that experiencing adversity is a sign that things could be done in an easier way, and acknowledging this is an opportunity to think or do something differently. Another way to undo a difficult situation is to consider what you are grateful for rather than what you dislike or hate. Focusing on what is not working is a way of not being grateful for what is working. When we are grateful for what is, rather than being angry with what isn’t, we move from a place of unrealistic expectations and entitlement to a calmer and more content way of being.

If you spend more time in the “should” trap than you would like, a therapist can help you find a productive way forward.

Two people sit at opposite sides of table, looking away from each other and out window“I hope I never turn into my mother,” you say. “You sound just like your father,” you’re told. If one or both of your caregivers was passive-aggressive, the idea of turning into them may be especially horrifying. If you grew up in a household where anger was avoided, you might struggle to break the cycle of passive aggression that can be passed from generation to generation.

Children are like little sponges of information. When we are young, we soak up knowledge and new experiences, and we absorb our family’s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors—including their anger style.

There are three main styles of anger:

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  1. Anger-avoidant
  2. Anger-expressive
  3. Anger-healthy

Both conflict and love can occur simultaneously in an anger-healthy family. An argument doesn’t destroy closeness, and people work together to resolve problems. In an expressive family, anger is thrown around freely, love comes with a side of explosive conflict, and children learn that to get what they want, they have to be angry.

Right now, though, we’re going to focus on the anger-avoidant type. In these families, anger is rarely expressed or conflict acknowledged. If you’re a people pleaser or hide your emotions, it’s likely you grew up in an anger-avoidant home, or in one where one person was anger-expressive and everyone else hid it at all costs.

What’s wrong with hiding anger? If you’re anger-avoidant, it may sound odd to you that showing it can be a good thing. But anger is healthy, and all of us—yes, all—feel it.

When someone says or does something that makes you angry, you learn about yourself­—what’s important to you, what upsets you. When you tell someone that they’ve angered you, they learn about you, too. It’s impossible for any of us to truly hide our emotions, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we’re pros at it. When you try to hide your anger, you leave everyone guessing why you’re upset. Tension and bitterness grow.

Now that you’re an adult, you can change your behavior—to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them. When you’re working to defeat your passive-aggressive behaviors, it’s important not to get sucked into their anger-avoidant vortex.

As a marriage and family therapist, I work with many families struggling with passive aggression. Over my decades of work, I’ve learned it’s often those around the passive-aggressive person who need the most help.

If a passive-aggressive person makes a snide remark in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? In other words, it takes two to maintain a passive-aggressive relationship. How do you stop supporting someone’s anger avoidance? Try these four steps:

  1. Stop blaming yourself. Your family’s anger style is not your fault. You may be part of the cycle or passive-aggressive too, but we are each responsible for the way we show our emotions. That includes your mother, father, sister, step-brother, and cousin twice removed.
  2. Stop saying you’re sorry. Don’t apologize unless you’ve done something wrong. If your family member makes subtle suggestions that they’re upset about something, don’t say you’re sorry unless they are forthright about why.
  3. Limit your exposure. If you’re in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction, you avoid people who drink or do drugs. The same goes for recovery from passive-aggressiveness.
  4. Don’t give in. Passive-aggressive people can be manipulative, especially of people pleasers. To get what they want, they drop hints. Or they make underhanded comments to let you know they’re angry. Like No. 2, the solution is to stop allowing it to work. Stop guessing, stop giving in­, and start putting your needs first.

Now it’s time to work on your own passive-aggressive behaviors.

Now that you’re an adult, you can change your behavior—to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them.

I could write a book about how to stop being passive-aggressive—in fact, I’ve written two! But, for now, here’s the nutshell version.

As we’ve already discussed, hidden anger comes from a fear of anger. So, the first thing you have to do is get comfortable feeling angry. I want you to find a time and a quiet place where you can be alone. Then I want you to sit for a while and think back on a situation that upset you.

Go over everything that was said and done and pay attention to any thoughts that arise. Now, focus on the way your emotions feel in your body. Does your stomach clench up? Does your face feel hot? Remember those sensations. Pay attention the next time you feel them. If you’re an anger hider, you may not always know when you’re upset. The next time you feel those sensations will be a clue that someone has said or done something that has angered you.

Faulty thinking (or cognitive distortions) are thought patterns that convince us something is true that isn’t. These thoughts are inaccurate and reinforce negative feelings we have about ourselves. Everyone has cognitive distortions sometimes, but for passive-aggressive people, they can make it hard to express emotions in a healthy way.

Two faulty thoughts especially common in anger-avoidant types are the people-pleasing one and the self-victimization one. “I want everyone to like me,” the people-pleasing thought goes. “The more approval I get from others, the better I feel about myself.” The solution? Try to reframe the thought: “I want everyone to like me (who doesn’t!), but it’s okay if not everyone does. After all, I don’t like everyone either.”

“I might feel that I’m overworked or unappreciated, but I will never say no,” goes the self-victimization thought. Underlying this thought is fear—fear of what will happen or how you’ll feel about yourself if you say no. So, instead of saying no, you grow angry and bitter and your relationships suffer because deep inside, you’re seething with resentment. Wouldn’t just saying no be better? Next time, try it. It may feel awkward at first, and the other party might be surprised, but you’ll be happier and healthier in the long run.

Reframing thoughts, altering behaviors, and getting comfortable with your anger, along with passive-aggressive-person management skills, are a great place to start when you’re trying to break the cycle of generational passive-aggressiveness. For guidance and support, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Brandt, A. (2013). 8 keys to eliminating passive-aggressiveness. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

Two graduates at graduation ceremony look happy and proud of their workEnvy has been described as a vicious emotion, one of the deadliest of all sins. Have you ever envied someone else’s achievements? What is envy and why do we feel it? Researchers at the University of Cologne in Germany who studied the emotion found that envy is quite a natural response to an envied person’s perceived accomplishments. However, they concluded, envy and pride go hand-in-hand. Not only were the researchers able to show through a series of experiments that envy is a normal response to displays of pride, they discovered evidence that envy can sometimes be productive and may actually motivate a person to achieve more.

According to Jens Lange and Jan Crusius (2015), there are two distinct forms of envy:

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The distinction is in line with an evolutionary perspective of emotions. Envy can be an adaptive response to an environmental change. By achieving or destroying perceived advantages, humans are able to survive, thrive, and overcome obstacles.

Lange and Crusius found that displays of pride can elicit either benign or malicious forms of envy. Pride can be described as a “spontaneously expressed response to victory” (Tracy and Matsumoto, 2008), and is manifested in two distinct forms based on how the successful person attributes their achievement.

In their experiments, Lange and Crusius found that when a perceived competitor was more successful at a task than the subject, malicious envy was experienced when hubristic pride was demonstrated. Alternatively, when a perceived competitor was more successful at a task and displayed authentic pride, benign envy was demonstrated. Interestingly, they also discovered that when the subject experienced pride from a person they liked and the pride was shown in person, feelings of envy were less likely to occur. However, pictures and video displays of pride in instances where the subject did not know the competitor were more likely to elicit feelings of envy, both benign and malicious.

If you find yourself in a constant state of malicious envy, it may be hard to accomplish the goals you set for yourself.

In light of these conclusions, it is tempting to apply them to social media culture. Many studies have indicated people who spend more time on social media have increased rates of depression. In an article by Amit Chowdhry (2016), media researcher Brian A. Primack, MD, PhD said exposure to “highly idealized representations of peers on social media elicits feelings of envy and the distorted belief that others lead happier, more successful lives.”

If you feel displays of pride might be causing you to have feelings of destructive envy, here are some tips that might help:

  1. Limit social media intake to a reasonable amount of time each day.
  2. Hide or cut ties with friends who have a pattern of bragging in a hubristic way.
  3. Use insight and self-understanding when you have feelings of envy.

If you find yourself in a constant state of malicious envy, it may be hard to accomplish the goals you set for yourself. Worse, goals may be clouded by a desire to have what others have, rather than what is best for you. If envy begins to manifest in your life in an unhealthy way, consult a therapist for guidance on how to redirect your thoughts.

References:

  1. Chowdhry, A. (2016, April 30). Research links heavy Facebook and social media usage to depression. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/amitchowdhry/2016/04/30/study-links-heavy-facebook-and-social-media-usage-to-depression/#7198bb274b53
  2. Lange, J., & Crusius, J. (2015). The tango of two deadly sins: The social-functional relationship of envy and pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3) 453-472.
  3. University of Pittsburgh Schools of the Health Sciences. (2016, March 22). Social media use is associated with depression among U.S. young adults. Retrieved from http://www.upmc.com/media/NewsReleases/2016/Pages/lin-primack-sm-depression.aspx
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