POV:  Your teenager slams the door loudly and you wonder to yourself what could have possibly happened to that cuddly, chubby-cheeked-child that you once bounced on your lap.  The changing dynamics between parents and children can range from moment to moment, from pride to nostalgia to sadness and confusion.  While you anticipated that they would grow away from you at some point, you didn’t think it would feel like this, and you didn’t expect to flounder so much to maintain a connection with them while simply keeping them “on track”.  Undoubtedly, one of the greatest challenges of parenting teens is in finding the “sweet spot” between encouraging them towards autonomous identity development while also maintaining some type of a positive relationship.

Parenting teenagers can feel like an uphill battle of emotions, conflict, and perhaps some behaviors you’ve never seen before.  While you should certainly consult a professional if you notice worrisome behaviors (substance abuse, self-harm/ suicidality, self-isolating, or other high-risk behaviors), here are 5 key tips for communicating with your teen and staying connected as you both navigate this stage of life together.

Tips for Parents Navigating the Teen Years

Set limits with love.

Setting limits allows for a structure within which your teen may grow and develop safely.  Base your limits on developmentally appropriate behavior and present your limits with compassion, even when they are not MET with compassion.  Parents who set and reinforce consistent limits and expectations allow teens to mature by making “safe” mistakes that help them to learn through natural consequences.

Expert tip for parents:  Practicing your own self-care and coping strategies will help you to stay emotionally regulated and prepared to meet your teenager’s pushback with understanding AND firmness.

Learn to validate your child.

While we may not agree that the 10pm curfew that we enforced was “unfair,” we can certainly understand and validate a teen’s desire to be out with their friends.  According to the DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents, “Validation communicates to another person that his or her feelings, thoughts, and actions make sense and are understandable to you in a particular situation” (Rathus & Miller, 2015, p. 171).   Not only does the skill of validation help others to feel more understood and less alone, it can help to de-escalate conflict. And what could be more important than that when we are talking about maintaining an emotional connection with our teenagers?

Remember that validation does not equal agreement, and that we can validate feelings and experiences of others while still upholding limits.

Give your teen the gift of space.

According to the infamous research of Erik Erikson, a well-known psychologist, there are eight stages of development that we all must navigate as we seek connection and purpose throughout our lifetimes (Crain, 2011, pp. 283-297).  During the phase of adolescence, the specific task one must navigate is building a sense of identity and finding “one’s place in the larger social order” (Crain, 2011, p. 291).  Teenagers must be working towards identity development and making strong connections with peers to be prepared to navigate the impending tasks of adulthood effectively.

While most of us understand this idea, it can FEEL HARD to experience your teenager wanting more space, challenging your opinions, and only wanting to be around friends.  However, we must keep in mind that these are indications of healthy development and must try not take it personally.  Giving your teen time alone to explore individual interests and reflect allows them space to build a strong sense of self.  Similarly, giving your teen the ability to prioritize friends allows them opportunity to nurture friendships, build a peer support network, strengthen social skills, and learn to nurture healthy relationships.

*If your child seems unusually withdrawn and isolated or is very invested in peers who are exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, these would be red-flags and indicate a need for further exploration and possibly professional help.

Seek opportunity for positive connection.

Do what they like.  Plan special activities together.  Write them notes.  Make yourself available.  Validate them.  Be playful.  While they are going to turn you down sometimes or even dismiss the effort with attitude, don’t take it personally, give them some space, and try again another time.  Tell them you love them and that you are available when they feel like it.

Couples therapist Dr. John Gottman coined the term “Magic Ratio” to describe the idea that healthy relationships generally exhibit at least 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (Benson, 2017).  While Gottman’s work was primarily focused on couples therapy, the same ratio can be applied to building strong relationships with our children.  During a developmental phase that is marked by a natural increase in parent-child conflict, keep a lose goal to have more positive interactions than negative interactions and remember that YOU are in control of YOUR behavior.  When conflict or emotionality rises, parents can strive to show-up in these moments with validation, empathy, and compassion.  Thus, an interaction that may once have ended in yelling is transformed into a moment of gentle connection and acceptance.

Parents can also increase positive interactions by choosing their battles wisely. Choose to address teen behaviors that are straying from what is developmentally normal, as opposed to picking apart all mistakes or preferences.  For example, a parent might choose to have a firm discussion with their teen around repeated substance use but choose NOT to dig their heels in around a teenager keeping their room spotless.

Be prepared to seek repair.

There is no perfect way to parent.  We will make mistakes.  Our teens will make mistakes.  Disagreement and conflict are not only inevitable, but a healthy part of all relationships.  Be prepared to use these imperfect moments as opportunities for connection.  Making a relational repair is when we acknowledge a mistake in our behavior as it relates to another, and we take responsibility and apologize for it.  Not only does this give us a shot at making things right again with our teen, but it allows a space for a potential positive interaction (remember that 5:1 ratio) and it offers an opportunity to model skillful behavior.  Especially at an age where lectures go in one ear and out the other, modeling skillful behavior for our children can be the most powerful teacher.

Seeking a repair after a rift in the relationship shows our children that we love them, and that we are willing to acknowledge our mistakes.  It demonstrates the ability to emotionally regulate and take responsibility, which are both qualities of partners in healthy relationships (a behavior we want our teens to both LEARN and EXPECT from others).

References

Crain, W.  (2011).  Theories of development; Concepts and applications (6^th ed.).  Prentice Hall.

Rathus, J.H. & Miller, A.L. (2015).  Dbt skills manual for adolescents.  The Guildford Press.

Benson, K.  (2017, October 4).  The magic relationship ratio, according to science.  The

Gottman Institute online.  https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/

Living with stress and anxiety is a common struggle for millions of individuals on a daily basis. Whether it stems from phobias, depression, or post-traumatic stress, the impact on our mental and physical well-being is undeniable.

If you’ve been on the quest for ways to soothe your emotional turbulence, you’ve likely experimented with self-help techniques. While these methods might provide temporary relief, the key to overcoming overwhelming anxiety lies in addressing its root causes—those underlying factors that fuel its persistence. This is where therapy emerges as a powerful ally, offering a multifaceted approach to transformation.

Here are three key approaches therapy can assist you in addressing anxiety:

1. Uncovering the Root Causes

Effective treatment, akin to solving any health issue, necessitates reaching the root cause. Just as a doctor may prescribe medication or recommend lifestyle changes for hypertension, a therapist guides you to delve into your emotional landscape. Through a process of introspection, you examine thoughts and feelings, uncovering patterns that often reveal unhealthy beliefs at the core of anxiety.

Imagine this as peeling back layers of an onion; therapy allows you to gradually expose and understand the intricate layers of your emotional world. This exploration is a collaborative effort between you and your therapist, leading to a deeper comprehension of the factors contributing to your anxiety. Identifying these root causes empowers your therapist to develop a tailored plan to calmly and confidently address these underlying issues.

In essence, therapy serves as a detective, helping you unearth the origins of your anxiety. It’s not merely about managing symptoms but about understanding the roots and creating sustainable change from within.

2. Behavioral Change Through Therapy

Anxiety isn’t confined to thoughts and beliefs; it manifests in behaviors with potential negative consequences. Therapy extends beyond uncovering cognitive patterns; it provides guidance for essential lifestyle and behavioral changes. You learn to navigate challenging situations with a newfound sense of calm, breaking free from the grip of insomnia or the avoidance of social connections.

Think of therapy as a dynamic process, not just about understanding but actively reshaping your responses to anxiety triggers. It equips you with a toolkit for behavioral change, offering strategies to reshape your reactions to stressors. This might involve adopting healthier coping mechanisms, altering daily routines, or practicing mindfulness. Through therapy, a more balanced self emerges—one capable of facing life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability.

Consider behavioral change as the bridge between understanding and action. Therapy bridges the gap by providing actionable steps to translate insights into real-world transformations. It’s about not only recognizing patterns but also cultivating new habits and responses that foster mental and emotional well-being.

3. Continued Personalized Support

Embarking on the journey of change is never easy, even when the benefits are undoubtedly beneficial. One of therapy’s significant advantages is the ongoing, personalized support it provides. Your therapist becomes a dedicated ally in your pursuit of well-being, offering encouragement and support without judgment.

Visualize your therapist as a steadfast companion on your journey—a supportive figure who understands your struggles intimately. This ongoing support is crucial, especially during moments of doubt or setbacks. Knowing you’re not alone in your battle against anxiety can be a powerful motivator for change.

Therapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution; it’s a continuous, evolving process tailored to your unique needs. The relationship between you and your therapist becomes a foundation for growth and transformation. This support extends beyond the therapy room, influencing how you approach challenges in your daily life.

Seeking therapy for anxiety

If anxiety has been a persistent companion in your life, remember that you don’t have to face it alone. Seeking therapy for anxiety is a proactive step toward understanding and overcoming the challenges you’re experiencing. If you or a loved one is considering treatment, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. A licensed clinical social worker can discuss how therapy can be a transformative force in your journey to a calmer, more fulfilling life.

Conclusion

In conclusion, therapy offers more than a resolution to immediate concerns; it’s a comprehensive guide to self-discovery, behavioral change, and ongoing support. It’s a journey that goes beyond managing anxiety to thriving in a balanced and fulfilling life. Embrace the transformative power of therapy—it’s not just a treatment; it’s an investment in your holistic well-being. If you’re ready to take the first step towards a calmer and more fulfilling life, do not hesitate to reach out for professional help from a licensed clinical social worker to explore how therapy can be a transformative force in your unique journey.