I have a memory of walking down the street with my mother, around the age of five, thinking about a conversation I’d had with some other children in the schoolyard a few days earlier. One of them had asked, “Who do you like more, your mom or your dad?” I had found the question strange at the time, and now, several days later, I still could not figure out an answer.

To me, you see, my parents seemed like one person. Logically, I knew they were two different people, but in some sort of child-minded way, I saw them as a monolith, a united being. On that outing with my mother, it finally hit me: it simply was not possible for me to separate these two people well enough in my mind to choose. So I dropped the question for good.

That was in the ’50s, and I was lucky in that I was able to drop the question and never had to make that choice—or have someone make it for me.

Today, we live in a new era of divorce and remarriage, and many children don’t get to choose which parent to live with. Even when they do choose, they may find their parents’ attention to be divided and not necessarily focused on them. Parents may still smart from the sting of rejection divorce inevitably is; they may keep rehashing difficult moments and wondering if they could still rewrite the script; their minds may be preoccupied with making ends meet or other concerns. [fat_widget_right]

Many parents are focused so intently on court cases for custody that, ironically, they spend more time and thought on the case than on the child. Even when they are not facing a court battle, if parents are hostile to each other when attempting to co-parent, children may perceive that as some fault of theirs. But at some point, the dust settles and the child finally begins to become accustomed to a different life with Mom or Dad or some combination. A new state of normal prevails.

For many parents, however, the single life is not their ideal. They begin dating again, and a child may be left wondering, “Am I not enough?”

It can be difficult for parents to navigate dating, much less a new marriage, while still trying to ease the aftereffects of divorce on their children. Here are some tips to help you create the best set of circumstances for your children when you begin dating after a divorce or breakup.

1. Let children know, frequently, how important they are and how much you love them. 

I remember meeting with a teenager who was not part of a blended family. The parents worked hard, were highly organized, and dispatched instructions and discipline to her as a matter of course. She told me in private therapy that she was convinced her mother didn’t like her. With her permission, I shared this with her mother, who, of course, was shocked.

Research shows when a parent takes the time to listen to a child’s difficulties (in general, but especially after divorce), the child feels supported and is more able to view the divorce as something that was necessary rather than as a huge obstacle in life.

We tend to assume our children “know” we love them, but, really, how are they supposed to know that if we don’t tell them? My children are adults, married with children, and I still tell them. Not only will telling your child how much you love them help reassure the child through difficult times, it will direct your attention to your warm feelings towards your child—another great benefit of making this a common practice. Too often, we think of our softer emotions as a distraction from the business we need to take care of. In fact, being more mindful of feelings of warmth and love may provide stress relief and serve as a welcome break from crossing off items on a long to-do list. Connecting with our loved ones is one of the joys of life, after all.

2. Don’t “compensate” for this rough time by spoiling your child.

Parents might attempt to make up for difficult life changes by offering their child fancy toys, taking them on expensive outings, letting them skip school or stay up late, and overlooking rudeness or sibling aggression. This is the wrong approach, though, as it is still likely to send the message that the parent does not care.

Children know, in a way that is beyond words, that they are cherished when a parent sticks to the rules and dispenses discipline along with love. Though many children might find it fun for a while when schedules and routines blow away with the wind, ultimately this leads to feelings of neglect. The best way to create stability, show love, and help your child de-stress is to keep up routines, to the best of your ability.

3. Become a “kindly neighbor” to your stepchildren.

A blended family is often the inevitable result of a dating relationship after divorce. If your partner has children from a previous relationship, you may find that they resent you at first. This is normal and natural: You have taken some of their parent’s attention away from them. Even teenagers may be not be mature enough to understand you can potentially become their advocate and mentor.

Children may show you how angry they are by not greeting you, ignoring your requests, or even not talking to you for a while. It’s best not to take this behavior personally, because it most likely will improve with time. You might feel the urge to sit down with them and discuss your concerns, but in many cases, this may not be all that helpful. Children are often not aware of all the reasons behind their behavior, and it can be difficult for them to articulate even those reasons they are aware of.

I find the best way to handle the situation is to take a position of friendliness. Remain pleasant, kind, and above all, show them you care about their plight. If, after a month or so, the mood in the house does not improve, speak to your partner about your stepchild’s behavior. The next step may be family therapy.

4. Discipline does not mean anger.

As a parent, your job is to provide your child with love, stable routines, and discipline. You do not need to show them anger. Just as spoiling your child may send a message that you do not care, the other extreme is equally nonconstructive.

If your child never used to be rude and now is, then the change in behavior likely signifies difficulties with the new changes being faced. Anger and disapproval are unlikely to resolve the issue. What is more likely to lead to improvement is a listening ear and the setting of gentle, understandable limits.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

Rules can be stated and invoked in a gentle tone of voice and discussed in a conversational manner. Conversations that begin with parents displaying a willingness to listen are typically the most effective. Possible ways to begin a conversation might be: “What about our new situation are you having trouble with?” or “How can we work together to make this situation better for all of us?”

If you find yourself losing your temper, take several slow, deep breaths. Doing so will help slow down your autonomic nervous system, reduce the stress hormone cortisol in your brain, and give you a moment to figure out the best course of action so you can avoid acting impulsively.

5. Don’t favor your child; don’t favor your stepchild.

Disagreements between stepsiblings are inevitable. When they occur, you may feel protective toward your own child, or you might feel like you want to “win over” your partner’s child. But either position is likely to lead to even more hostilities in the future.

Consider taking the first step in handling these before you move in together, marry, or otherwise make the relationship a more permanent one. Make time to sit down with your partner and discuss your own personal styles of discipline, your value system, and your expectations. It may seem as if these things are obvious, but you might be surprised at the discoveries you make. Parenting norms vary widely, and it’s best not to make assumptions before having this conversation with your partner.

There should also be agreement on what the household rules should be and an understanding that it may not be the best idea for stepparents to begin parenting stepchildren immediately.

If you find yourself refereeing a dispute between stepsiblings, the best course of action may to simply be a good listener. Ask all involved for their side, and listen carefully. Avoid showing favoritism and giving one-size-fits-all punishments.

6. The key is patience.

If you have ever broken a bone or experienced another type of serious physical injury, you may recall how long it took to heal from it. It certainly didn’t take place overnight. It may have even taken months. Emotional injuries—and the disruption of a family, no matter the circumstances, is still experienced as an injury—also take time to heal. In order to heal, your child will likely need to do a lot of thinking and sorting everything out, so be patient. It could be several months, a year, or even a few years before children are finally comfortable in their new surroundings.

7. Consider therapy for emotional difficulties.

When a child is excessively rude or hostile; refuses to go to school; or displays symptoms of depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive behavior, therapy may be indicated. Seeking therapy does not mean you have failed as a parent or partner. On the contrary, by finding support in a time of difficult and confusing changes, you are doing something right—for you, your child, and your entire family.

A primary benefit of bringing in a therapist is that a person who doesn’t know you and your blended family can look objectively at the entire situation—and is trained to do so. That person may have an observation to share with you that will be enormously helpful. Sometimes all family members need is to be reassured they are doing things right, that there is nothing “wrong” with them. Some symptoms may even lift when people get this professional reassurance.

Another benefit is expertise. Be sure to visit a family therapist, one who specializes in the dynamics of divorce and remarriage. Therapists with this training are generally in the best position to help blended families work through any and all complications they might face.

8. There is potential for strong friendships in blended families.

I have heard any number of stories about successful blended families, where the parents created for the children—sometimes for the first time—warm and stable homes filled with good, loving people. Frequently, the stepsiblings become good friends.

When a new family structure is introduced, all involved are likely to feel the impact. But when this change is handled well, there are many positive opportunities for love, friendship, connection, and more.

These tips are a beginning. If you have other concerns, I encourage you to seek support from a qualified marriage and family therapist.

References: 

1. Eldar-Avidan, D., Haj-Yahia, M. M., Greenbaum, C. W. (2009). Divorce is a part of my life…Resilience, survival, and vulnerability: Young adults’ perception of the implications of parental divorce. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 35(1), 30-46. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2008.00094.x
2. Visser, C. F. (2013). The origin of the solution-focused approach. International Journal of Solution-Focused Practices, 1(1), 10-17. doi: 10.14335/ijsfp.v1i1.10
3. Whiteside, M. F. (1982). Remarriage: A family developmental process. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 8(2), 59-68. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.1982.tb01442.x

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!
Erika

There is nothing like bringing home a close friend or partner to shine a spotlight on the unspoken rules by which every family, your family, lived and lives.

Every family that lives with one another for some time develops a set of patterns for emotional engagement that soon feels like the “family rules.” These expectations for behavior may start within a marriage and strengthen their grip as children are brought into the home. Once the children catch on to these patterns, they begin to live by them. Only family members know how that family works, even though no one may have ever spoken these powerful expectations out loud.

Many of these rules are quite helpful, and create a kind of emotional shorthand that members count on. Some rules families frequently live by are: this family lets one another know our whereabouts; this family goes to church/synagogue/mosque; this family values education; this family values friendship, and this family works hard. Others might be less helpful. They might be expressed as: this family avoids conflict; this family never questions mother/father; this family relies on men for money, women for support; this family doesn’t live outside our region; this family keeps secrets, and this family doesn’t trust anyone outside the family.

With these internal rules, members keep the connections of their family relationships, even unhealthy ones, intact. Once we bring another person into close relationship with this family system through marriage, the rules become more obvious; our new partner has no way of knowing or observing these internal rules except by bumping into them. Because they don’t have the years of unconscious training in working within the boundaries of these family expectations, newcomers invariably stir up distress and even conflict by disregarding these rules or even openly disagreeing with them. This is one way newcomers remain permanently on the outside of their partners’ family systems.

This is where the partner, whose family of origin is the one getting stirred up, has to bring his or her best self to the party or he/she will end up offending and damaging the new family and partner. If the rule is “no one can challenge the way Mom behaves,” Mom can run roughshod over the new wife of her son and her son gets caught between his loyalties toward his family of origin and that toward his partner. Because the loyalty to one’s family of origin is older and deeper, chances are that is the one that most easily wins.

In families where emotional connection has never been particularly intense or expected, this kind of division of emotional importance happens automatically. Parents have children, raise them, and expect that once their children marry, the old family changes. The new has come, and everyone has to adjust. In more emotionally intense, enmeshed, or distressed family systems, blending a new spouse and/or grandchildren into the mix may require an our-way-or-the-highway kind of behavior from the newcomer that can make for chronic distress for everyone.

I counsel couples who find themselves in conflict over family rules to think about loyalty as an emotional quality of relationships that can and must be shared unequally. One can be loyal to both one’s family of origin as well as to a new spouse, but the most successful marriages have partners who transfer their primary loyalties to their new partner. Mom or Dad may still be core relationships, but if there is any important conflict, decision, schedule, or issue to decide, the default must move to the spouse and couple.

If you and your partner seem to be in constant conflict over your visits back to visit your parents, your time spent with siblings, or the ever-present sense that you care more about pleasing your parents than you do your spouse, check in with yourself regarding that unequal balance of loyalty. If you feel miserably caught in the middle, it’s time to shift your focus. Unplug some of that urgency from your family of origin and give it to your new partner and children. And, of course, if it’s just not as easy as that for you, consulting with a local marriage and family therapist will help you more easily make that emotional transition.

What was once considered a rarity—step-siblings, step-parents, and step-in-laws—has become more common than not. When couples marry, there is a very good chance that one of them brings an extended family that branches by halves and steps. And if that couple winds up divorcing, the tree splinters even further. Because there is no biological bond that obligates a step-family member to stay in contact with other steps, the rules of engagement can be confusing and tense. In a recent article, marriage experts explain how to navigate the rocky road of step-relationships after divorce.

Take, for example, the case of an ex-wife who spent decades raising her step-children. Should she continue the relationship with these nonbiological children, even though she has no legal claim to them? Mary T. Kelly, a marriage therapist from Colorado, notes that often step-children can be a contributing factor to divorce. Many blended-family parents disagree over how to raise his, hers, and their children. Tension that exists between step-children and step-parents seems like normal childhood rebellion, but in many cases may actually run deeper.

Paul Hokemeyer, a New York therapist, says couples and children need to determine if they want those relationships to continue after divorce. Many children may not be permitted to make contact with their ex-step-parents while they are minors, but can make the choice whether to have a relationship with that significant person when they reach adulthood. Even step-grandparents get caught in the mix when step-families divorce. Grandparents who become attached to step-grandchildren, only to have them taken away, may not be willing to invest as much into future step-family members.

One Massachusetts psychologist, Patricia Papemow, recommends that clients try to initiate contact through letters rather than personal visits or phone calls. It is important for step-children to be allowed to have time to process the shift in the relationship on their own terms. Letting them know a step-parent is there through cards and letters is a noninvasive and subtle way to continue contact and keep the door open for future communication. Regardless of how an individual chooses to stay in contact with their step-children, Hokemeyer insists that they review their motives so that all parties will be receptive. “Make sure that you are acting out of genuine love and concern for the other person, and not out of anger and attempts to manipulate,” Hokemeyer says. Following these tips could help step-exes maintain important family ties in a world of ever-changing family dynamics.

Reference:
Gootman, Elissa. When branches tangle in a stepfamily tree. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 3 Oct. 2012. Web. 8 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/04/fashion/-step-family-trees-with-tangled-branches.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

My husband was surprised the first time he got a Father’s Day card from our kids. Not having any kids of his own, his assumed role of step-father was one he was utterly unfamiliar with. He had been raised by his mother and has never known his father. Perhaps that is why that the whole concept of celebrating Father’s Day was foreign to him. When he first saw the cards lying on the table, he did not realize they were for him. After a few moments, it sunk in and a look of confusion and trepidation came over him. After graciously accepting them from the kids, and thanking them profusely, he shared with me his true feelings.

He was uncomfortable at first, being recognized as a dad. He had no frame of reference for this title, and felt very awkward accepting gifts that he did not feel he deserved. My husband saw himself as an active parent in my children’s lives. But he shared that role, and does to this day, with their biological father. Their “real dad” is very present in their lives and sees them weekly. He speaks to them almost every day and is pretty up to speed on the events that transpire in their worlds. But my husband, their “other dad,” is the one who interacts with them daily. He is the one who bathes them, shops for them, tucks them in, attends their events and listens to their problems. So as each year passes, I wonder how sharing that title sits with each of the dads. (more…)

On a fairly regular basis I am asked by a divorced parent how old their child must be before they can choose which parent they want to live with. Many parents tell me their child will be 12 years old, 13 years old, 14 years old soon and will be able to make their own decisions. They appear to be uniformly surprised to learn that a minor child does not have the legal right to decide which parent to live with.

Depending on the jurisdiction in which you live, the age of your child may matter only in terms of the weight a judge might give to a child’s preference, should he or she have one. In general, the older they are the more their preference might be considered. Their preferences are not usually considered in a vacuum, however. It could be that Susie might want to live with Dad because he is more lenient in his rules… He doesn’t make her go to church, let’s her stay out an hour later, doesn’t nag her about homework, etc. Or the preference might be because Mom is supportive of Joey’s desire to be on the soccer team or takes him to his horseback riding lessons or is excited about the dance program he is in. When Mom or Dad uniformly does not support a child’s activities when that activity spans the parenting time of both parents, it is not surprising to a judge that a child might have a preference. However, children rarely know all the details of how a parent decides to do something or what both parents talk about regarding their decisions. Sometimes the decisions are financially impacting one parent differently than the other. The child may only know that Mom or Dad is not taking them where they want to go but not that it is not affordable. Whatever the reason, by early to mid teens, a court is likely to take the child’s concerns into consideration in making an order while being very careful not to ask the child to make a decision and learning as much as possible about the context of that preference.

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