young woman meditating in front of a christmas tree One of the great absurdities of American life is that the movie It’s a Wonderful Life plays at Christmas every year. It’s thought of as a sentimental favorite, but it’s a devastatingly sad movie. The first time I saw it in its entirety, it wrecked me. It has a happy ending that everyone remembers, but only after two-plus hours of watching a good man’s life gets put through the wringer. George Bailey, played by Jimmy Stewart, encounters the dark side of living in a capitalist society – cruelty, selfishness, and unfathomable greed, hardly the stuff one usually associates with Christmas. Then again, perhaps that’s what makes it the perfect holiday movie – it’s about the gap between how things should be and how they really are. 

As therapists, we get to spend a lot of time in these gaps – between how people look on the outside versus how they really feel, between social media and real life, and between what the holidays are supposed to be versus what they are. The reality is that the weeks after Thanksgiving and Christmas are two of the toughest of the year, as clients come back from spending time with people who hurt them in the name of “family.”  They must endure commentary, questions, and opinions from people they probably wouldn’t be spending time with if they weren’t related. They are additionally burdened with failing to live up to societal ideals of familial love and togetherness.  

I can tell you that for most of my clients, the holidays are a mixed bag. Old wounds get activated; old interaction patterns reemerge. When I used to go home to the East Coast for Christmas, I would awaken in the morning to my mother cajoling me to “go outside” like she did when I was a child. Depending on what side of the political aisle you are on, there is usually an aunt or uncle, or grandparent on the opposite side who wants to persuade you to agree with them. The word “family” is sometimes used in an oppressive and authoritarian manner – to get people to behave in a certain way.  “Do it for family” is often code for “Do what I say.” 

There must have been some evolutionary advantage to spending time with extended family, but I’m not sure it’s necessary anymore. People can form their own families now – in person or online, and you don’t need to rely on blood relatives for support. If you like your relatives, spend time with them, but if you’re doing this only out of obligation or tradition, you may want to examine your reasons for doing so. You will not receive any reward for being a dutiful family member, and you might gain some self-esteem by standing up for yourself and not giving in to pressure. If you do decide to go though, here are some tips to make it easier. 

  1. Forget about the idea that everyone is having a great holiday and you’re not – they’re probably in the same place as you.
  2. Don’t feel pressured by other people’s ideas of what “family” means. It’s often used to control and manipulate others. 
  3. Keep it light. Resist the urge to get into political discussions even if you are tempted. It’s not worth it.  
  4. Plan time throughout to regain your sense of self. Take bathroom breaks even if you don’t have to go and take a few minutes just for you. 
  5. If you can afford it, try and stay at a nearby hotel or motel if staying in the same residence as family is too much.
  6. Make your visits shorter than usual and give yourself a day or two afterward to recover.  
  7. Remember that you have agency and don’t need to go along with customs or traditions that you don’t like. Spending the holidays alone is also a perfectly good option for some people.  And if you do end up all alone and are in the mood for a good horror movie, check out It’s a Wonderful Life.  

Dr. Noah Laracy is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist in Los Angeles. His book coming out in 2025 is the first book to provide a practical, actionable program for growing your courage as shown in the twelve most common fears that humans have. Sign up here for his free articles on growing your courage. 

Person sitting alone in front of christmas treeDuring the holiday season, it can be difficult to know how to care for yourself and family while also meeting the expectations of others. It’s a busy season of family gatherings, office parties, and kids’ activities that can come with lots of high hopes and expectations.

What are Boundaries

Boundaries. One author describes boundaries as personal limits that help individuals define where they end, and others begin. These boundaries allow people to take responsibility for their own lives and well-being, and to let go of the responsibility for others’ actions and emotions. At those times remember: YOU are responsible for caring for your well-being. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s mature.  When we take time to check in with ourselves and see how full our tank is, then we can determine what we’re able to do or not.
It is important to note that boundary setting isn’t just about what’s convenient or ideal for me. Meaningful, fulfilling relationships do require sacrifice and inconveniences on our part. We won’t experience the deep connections if we’re not willing to experience any “costs” of investing in the relationship. At the same time, we cannot always show up when someone asks.

Setting  Healthy Boundaries

How do I determine if my boundary-setting is healthy or selfish? One barometer check I’ve found helpful is to ask myself “Is this something I can give like a gift, or something I have to do (to avoid negative consequences)?” For example, your mom wants you to come the weekend before the holiday meal to put up decorations. Your own decorations aren’t up yet. You still need to shop and cook. You know it’ll take valuable hours from your own prep work. Can you say “yes” to helping your mom, though it’s a sacrifice with an attitude of “I can do this for you.” Or would you say “yes” with a sense of “I have no choice.” The first response is healthy boundaries.
The tank of our emotional/mental/physical/financial well-being may not be as full this holiday season as past ones. That’s ok. If those around you don’t accept that, it’s important for you to recognize this and not expect more of yourself than your tank can take you. Some responses may look like this: “The kids’ father had to work overtime last month so we’re protecting family time by doing fewer gatherings this holiday.” “I won’t be cooking my famous dish this year, but I’m looking forward to serving it next year.” “Moving the start time three hours earlier doesn’t work for us, but we can come an hour earlier than originally planned.”

It’s Okay to Say No

The author Megan LeBoutillier is known for saying “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” We’re not required to explain, defend, or convince others of our boundaries- especially when others push back. I would suggest that your first response to an invitation isn’t just “No” as an initial negative response can weaken the relationship, yet eventually “No” may be all you say.
Healthy boundaries can be a gift you give to yourself and others– enabling healthier interactions and mutual respect can help you avoid being drained by others’ demands.
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