Many people experience self-doubt in relationships as a quiet, constant “checking” of other people-tone, facial expression and pauses before they even realize they’re doing it. What looks like being considerate is often the nervous system doing its job: trying to keep connection safe.

Relationships
Self-Trust
Inner Critic
Self-Doubt

In this article:

• Why self-doubt in relationships can become automatic
• How hyper-attunement shows up day-to-day
• The emotional cost (and why it’s not your fault)
• How therapy helps rebuild self-trust safely

Gentle Reminder:

These patterns are often learned protections. The goal isn’t to shame them away, it’s to understand them and choose what fits your life now.

Understanding Self-Doubt in Relationships as a Learned Pattern

Many people notice that they become highly alert to subtle changes in another person’s tone, expression, or behaviour before they consciously understand why. A pause that feels slightly different, a shift in energy, or a momentary silence can prompt a rapid internal adjustment. The individual may soften their voice, phrase things carefully, or begin planning how to respond before a conversation has even unfolded.

 

Although this may appear to be sensitivity or thoughtfulness, for many it reflects a learned pattern in which trusting their own perception once felt unsafe. This pattern does not typically develop without context. It is often rooted in environments where expressing emotion, preference, or uncertainty led to tension, withdrawal, or criticism.

 

Some people learned this in childhood within families that were unpredictable or demanding. Others developed these responses later in intimate relationships where their recollections were challenged, their instincts questioned, or their needs dismissed. (This can resemble gaslighting, which is designed to make someone doubt their perceptions.) In both cases, the nervous system adapts by prioritising external cues over internal ones.

 

Over time, this becomes automatic. It no longer feels like a response to a specific person but rather the default way of navigating relationships, especially when self-doubt in relationships has become familiar.

Want a plain-language definition for what your body is doing?
If you keep noticing yourself scanning for shifts in tone or tension, GoodTherapy’s Hypervigilance article can help you name the pattern without blaming yourself.

Why These Responses Develop

When an individual learns that honesty or spontaneity may provoke conflict, they often begin to monitor the emotional climate around them. This is not a conscious decision; it is an adaptive response. The nervous system becomes finely attuned to signs of potential threat, even when no immediate danger is present.

 

Small changes in another person’s behaviour can trigger internal shifts long before conscious thought has caught up. These responses can take different forms. Some individuals become highly accommodating, adjusting themselves to avoid perceived tension. Others become calm and controlled, holding themselves tightly to prevent escalation.

 

Some apologise quickly, even when they are unsure what they have done wrong. Others withdraw internally, presenting a composed exterior while experiencing significant internal vigilance. The outward behaviours may differ, but the mechanism is the same: relying on external feedback feels safer than relying on one’s own internal signals.

Click to Learn More: The “Self-Doubt in Relationships” Loop (a nervous system shortcut)
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1) Cue: a pause, tone shift, silence, or “off” energy

2) Interpretation: “I must have done something wrong”

3) Strategy: accommodate, over-explain, apologize, or go quiet

4) Result: short-term safety… long-term loss of self-trust

In other words, self-doubt in relationships often isn’t a “personality trait”, it’s the body trying to prevent rupture.

This strategy often makes sense at the time it develops. It can help maintain connection, reduce conflict, and create a sense of stability in environments where emotional unpredictability is common. However, it can become limiting when it remains in place long after the original conditions have changed.

A helpful reframe: If you’ve been living with self-doubt in relationships, you may not be “too sensitive.” You may be highly trained in reading people, sometimes at the cost of reading yourself.

How Hyper-Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life

Over the long term, these patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from themselves. They may find it difficult to identify their own preferences, not because they lack clarity, but because they learned to stop consulting themselves.

 

They may notice that they anticipate other people’s reactions quickly and accurately yet struggle to articulate what they want in their own relationships. This can also affect decision-making. A person may gather extensive external input before committing to a choice, not out of indecision but out of a learned belief that their own instincts cannot be trusted without verification, another way self-doubt in relationships keeps reinforcing itself.

Common signs (that are easy to miss)

• Replaying conversations and searching for what you “did wrong”
• Over-explaining simple choices (“just in case”)
• Needing reassurance even when you’re being reasonable
• Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
• Freezing or going blank during conflict

Hyper-Attunement vs Healthy Attunement

Both can look like “being sensitive.” The difference is whether self-doubt in relationships is running the show.

!Hyper-attunement (protective)

• Scanning for “what changed”
• Assuming blame to prevent conflict
• Over-explaining, apologizing quickly
• Feeling responsible for others’ moods

✓Healthy attunement (grounded)

• Noticing cues without panic
• Checking meaning with curiosity
• Staying connected to your own needs
• Using boundaries without shutdown

A gentle pivot you can try:
Replace “I did something wrong” with “I noticed a shift, what else could be true?”

It is common for individuals with these patterns to excel professionally, particularly in roles that benefit from high sensitivity and relational awareness, while privately feeling unsure or exhausted. Hyper-attunement can also influence how someone experiences conflict. A raised voice, a change in posture, or an unexpected silence can trigger strong internal responses that feel disproportionate to the situation.

If people-pleasing is part of your pattern:
You might relate to this overview of people-pleasing tendencies and how they can impact boundaries and burnout.

The Emotional and Relational Impact

The cumulative effect of these patterns can be significant. People often describe feeling depleted, as though they are holding up two sides of every interaction: their own internal world and the emotional world of the other person. This can create a sense of being “switched on” at all times, with little space left for rest or spontaneity.

Mini self-check: Is self-doubt in relationships running on autopilot?

IMPORTANT: This isn’t a diagnosis, just a way to notice patterns with compassion.

 

   Check any that feel familiar (even “sometimes” counts):

    I replay conversations to figure out what I “did wrong.”

    I apologize quickly when I sense tension, even if I’m not sure why.

    I feel responsible for someone else’s mood or disappointment.

     I over-explain to prevent misunderstanding or conflict.

     I second-guess my memory, perceptions, or instincts after a disagreement.

     I have trouble naming what I want until I know what others want.

What if I checked several?

It may mean your nervous system learned that staying tuned to others was the safest option. That’s a survival skill, not a character flaw.

A first step:
Practice a “two-truths” check: What am I sensing? and What else could be true?

Gentle note:
If this pattern is linked to manipulation or feeling emotionally unsafe, support can help. Reading about triggers can be a simple first step toward understanding why certain cues (tone, silence, facial expressions) hit so hard—before you try to “talk yourself out of it.”

 

There can also be grief associated with recognising the pattern. Once the individual begins to see how automatic their responses have become, they may feel sadness for the years spent accommodating others or for the parts of themselves that became quiet in order to feel safe.

 

This recognition can bring clarity, yet it can also feel disorienting. It is common for people to expect relief once they understand the pattern, only to discover that the early stages of change feel unsettled instead. Some individuals notice an “identity wobble” when they begin to shift these behaviours.

 

If they have always been the calm one, the accommodating one, or the person who anticipates others’ needs, it can feel unclear who they are without those roles. This can create discomfort even when the change is positive. The familiar pattern, while limiting, may feel more predictable than the alternative, especially when self-doubt in relationships has functioned as a form of stability.

A small practice to rebuild self-trust (without forcing yourself)

1. Pause: Notice the moment you start scanning for reassurance.

2. Name it: “This is self-doubt in relationships showing up.”

3. Locate it: Where do you feel it in your body (chest, throat, stomach)?

4. Choose one internal cue: “What do I believe happened?”

5. Try one micro-action: Ask a clarifying question instead of apologizing.

How Therapy Supports Change

Therapy provides a space in which these patterns can be explored without judgement or urgency. The goal is not to eliminate protective responses but to help individuals understand when they are occurring and whether they are still necessary.

 

As clients begin to notice their internal experiences with more understanding, they can experiment with expressing themselves more directly and observing the outcome. Over time, this helps the nervous system distinguish between past and present relational cues.

Exploring the roots of self-doubt:
Many people benefit from learning why they ignore their intuition in the first place. This article on overcoming self-doubt can be a supportive companion read between sessions.

For therapists, the work often involves pacing, containment, and helping clients identify internal resources that have become underused. Gentle exploration of bodily responses, emotional patterns, and relational expectations allows clients to build a more integrated sense of self. The therapeutic relationship offers a consistent, non-reactive environment in which new patterns can take root.

 

For individuals considering therapy, it is important to note that recognising these patterns is only the beginning. The process of change is gradual and often uncomfortable at first. However, with the right support, many people find that they begin to trust their own perspectives, express their needs more openly, and navigate relationships with greater confidence.

Grounding this in evidence-based understanding

When the body has been under chronic stress, it can stay activated longer than we want it to. That ongoing stress response can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, factors that make self-doubt in relationships easier to trigger (see Mayo Clinic’s overview of chronic stress).

 

Hyperarousal, feeling on edge, easily startled, “on guard”, is also a well-known trauma-related pattern (see NIMH’s PTSD information and MedlinePlus symptoms overview). And if your story includes sustained manipulation, the APA defines gaslighting as manipulation that leads someone to doubt their perceptions or understanding of events.

 

Trauma-informed therapy tends to emphasize safety, trustworthiness, and choice, principles outlined by SAMHSA’s trauma-informed guidance , so that change can happen without forcing or flooding.

Ready for support?
If self-doubt in relationships is affecting your day-to-day, you can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist by location, specialty, and approach.

If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this description, you may wish to explore this further with a trained therapist. If you’re considering working with me, a free 15-minute consultation through my GoodTherapy profile may be available to discuss whether this approach fits your circumstances.

Frequently Asked Questions

Quick, compassionate answers to common questions that come up when self-doubt in relationships feels automatic.

Q: Why do I experience self-doubt in relationships even when nothing is “wrong”?

A: Often, it’s a learned nervous-system response: your body got used to scanning for subtle cues because uncertainty once carried consequences (conflict, withdrawal, criticism). Even when your current relationship is safer, your system may still “check” first and trust itself second. The good news is this pattern can soften over time with awareness, practice, and supportive relationships.

Q: How do I know if I’m being hypervigilant or just “intuitive”?

A: Intuition often feels clear and calm. Hypervigilance tends to feel urgent, tight, and exhausting, like your mind must solve the room’s mood immediately. If your attention locks onto micro-shifts (tone, pauses, facial changes) and you feel compelled to fix or manage them, that’s a common hypervigilance pattern. GoodTherapy’s hypervigilance entry offers a plain-language overview.

Q: Can chronic invalidation make me second-guess my feelings and memories?

A: Yes. When your emotions are repeatedly minimized (“you’re overreacting,” “it wasn’t that bad,” “why are you so sensitive?”), your system may learn that your internal signals aren’t safe to trust, especially in close relationships. Over time, you may default to explaining yourself, doubting yourself, or needing external confirmation before you feel steady. This GoodTherapy article on invalidation can help you put language to what you’ve experienced.

Q: What can I do in the moment when self-doubt in relationships gets triggered?

A: Try a gentle three-step reset: (1) Pause and notice the body cue (tight chest, racing thoughts). (2) Name the pattern: “This is my self-doubt loop trying to keep me safe.” (3) Clarify instead of shrinking: “I noticed a shift, are we okay?” If this cycle is frequent or distressing, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust with pacing and support. You can find a therapist through GoodTherapy’s directory and look for someone who works trauma-informed.

About the Author

Jo-Anne Karlsson, MSc, GMBPsP, NBCC

Jo-Anne is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and Life Coach based in London (with telehealth available). She supports teens (15+) and adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, identity questions, and complex family dynamics, especially when relationships have felt confusing, demanding, or emotionally draining.

Her work integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting within a warm, direct, nonjudgmental space. Together, clients explore protective patterns, reduce shame and overthinking, and rebuild self-trust in a way that feels grounded and doable.

View Jo-Anne’s GoodTherapy profile ↗

 

We all want to feel needed, appreciated, and connected. But when your sense of worth hinges on how much you do for others; when saying no feels dangerous or caring for yourself brings guilt; you might be caught in an over-accommodating loop. Caring deeply and showing up for others isn’t the problem. The trouble begins when your own needs fade so far into the background that you forget they’re even there.

Research shows that people pleasing behavior is more common than you might think, often having roots that stretch back into childhood and significantly impacting mental health outcomes.

What It Feels Like to Over-Accommodate

If you’re someone who regularly adjusts your plans, preferences, or even your personality to keep others happy, you might be stuck in an over-accommodating loop. This can look like being easygoing, selfless, or “low maintenance” on the outside – but inside, you may feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or exhausted.

While this pattern can be rooted in a genuine desire to help, it’s often driven by deeper fears: fear of conflict, fear of being a burden, fear of not being enough unless you’re useful. And those fears can quietly shape your relationships, your self-worth, and your overall well-being.

Common Signs of People Pleasing Behavior

Understanding the patterns of people pleasing behavior is crucial for recognizing when caring crosses into self-sacrifice:

Taking on Emotional Responsibility: You often feel responsible for keeping others happy or avoiding their discomfort, even when it’s not your job.

Struggling to Say No: Turning down requests makes you feel guilty, selfish, or worried someone will be upset.

Putting Yourself Last: Your own rest, needs, and boundaries get pushed aside to make room for others.

Guilt Around Self-Care: Doing something for yourself feels indulgent – or even wrong.

Resentment or Burnout: You feel drained or underappreciated, but you keep giving anyway.

Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen notes that people pleasers are at significantly higher risk for workplace burnout due to their difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to additional responsibilities.

The Trap in Romantic Relationships

People pleasing behavior can really show up in romantic relationships, especially with partners who are more self-focused or entitled. If you’re overly other-oriented, you might feel pulled to caretake, smooth things over, or manage the other person’s moods. Your needs take a backseat, sometimes so far back you lose sight of them entirely.

Without meaning to, you may even reinforce the idea that the relationship revolves around their wants – because you keep showing up, quietly stretching yourself thinner. Over time, this dynamic can leave you feeling resentful, emotionally alone, or unsure what you even want from a partner.

Change starts by noticing these patterns, getting curious about them, and slowly learning to voice your needs and limits. That’s not selfish – it’s how mutual relationships are built.

Where People Pleasing Behavior Comes From

This habit of over-accommodating usually isn’t random. Most people learned it somewhere. Sometimes, the pattern forms in response to unspoken expectations – subtle cues that your role was to be the helper, the fixer, the one who stayed calm. Even if no one ever said it out loud, you may have absorbed the message that your value came from being easy, helpful, or emotionally low maintenance.

Research indicates that people pleasing behavior often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional. If caregivers only validated them when they were obedient, accommodating, or high-achieving, they may have learned that their worth depends on meeting others’ expectations.

Maybe you grew up in a household where conflict felt dangerous, so you kept the peace. Maybe you had a parent who struggled, and you stepped into the role of emotional support. Or maybe you were simply rewarded for being the one who didn’t “cause trouble.” When your safety or connection depended on being agreeable, helpful, or invisible, it makes sense that you internalized those ways of coping. They helped you survive then, but they might be hurting you now.

Moving Toward Balance: Overcoming People Pleasing Behavior

You don’t have to stop being caring or supportive. But what if your own needs got equal airtime? What if tending to your well-being wasn’t something you earned after taking care of everyone else? These changes don’t happen overnight, but they’re possible with time, practice, and support.

Here are a few steps toward that kind of shift:

Practice Assertiveness: Speak up about your preferences and needs – even in small ways. Start where it feels hard, but possible. Studies show that learning assertiveness skills is crucial for breaking free from people pleasing patterns.

Make Self-Care Non-Negotiable: Rest, connection, creativity – whatever refuels you – deserves space on your calendar.

Challenge the Guilt: Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s sustainable.

Notice the Roots: Start gently unpacking where these patterns came from. What were you taught about your role in relationships?

Seek Out Mutuality: Surround yourself with people who want to know the real you – not just the version who shows up for them.

FAQ: Understanding People Pleasing Behavior

Q: Is people pleasing behavior a mental health condition? A: While not a diagnosable condition itself, chronic people pleasing behavior is often linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and codependency. It can also be a trauma response known as “fawning.”

Q: How do I know if my helping is healthy or unhealthy? A: Healthy helping comes from choice and maintains your boundaries. Unhealthy people pleasing feels compulsive, leaves you drained, and often involves sacrificing your own needs consistently.

Q: Can people pleasing behavior be changed? A: Yes! With awareness, practice, and often professional support, people can learn to set healthy boundaries, practice assertiveness, and build self-worth independent of others’ approval.

Q: What’s the difference between being kind and people pleasing? A: Kindness comes from genuine care and choice, while people pleasing is driven by fear, guilt, or the need for approval. Kind people can say no when needed; people pleasers struggle with this.

Q: How long does it take to overcome people pleasing habits? A: Recovery is a gradual process that varies for each person. Some may see changes in weeks with consistent practice, while deeply ingrained patterns may take months or years to fully transform.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

Being someone who cares deeply is a gift. But when that care becomes a quiet erasure of your own needs, it can be a heavy burden to carry. You deserve relationships that go both ways – and a life that honors your needs just as much as anyone else’s.

Healing people pleasing behavior doesn’t mean giving less. It means giving in a way that includes you – where your voice, your needs, and your inner steadiness are part of the equation. You’re allowed to show up fully, not just as the one who helps, but as someone equally worthy of care.

 Have you ever felt responsible for someone else’s happiness? Do you catch yourself saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? For many, this isn’t just a bad habit, it’s a deeper pattern called codependency.

Sarah’s story illustrates just how quietly and powerfully codependency can take over a life, but more importantly, how recovery is possible.

What Is Codependency?

Codependency is a relational pattern where a person’s sense of identity, self-worth, or emotional stability becomes excessively tied to another person’s needs, approval, or behaviors.

According to Mental Health America, codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship” and is often called “relationship addiction.”

It often looks like:

• Over-responsibility: feeling compelled to fix or rescue others
• People-pleasing: neglecting one’s own needs to keep others happy
• Poor boundaries: difficulty saying no or separating your emotions from others’
• Low self-esteem: valuing yourself only by how much you give or sacrifice

At its core, codependency is about losing yourself in someone else’s life, mistaking enmeshment for love.

Struggling with relationship patterns? Find qualified therapists who specialize in codependency recovery through our therapist directory.

The Origins of Codependency: Understanding the Roots

The term “codependency” emerged in the 1970s-1980s within the addiction recovery movement:

• Originally used to describe partners or family members of people with alcoholism
• The concept came from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Al-Anon groups
• These loved ones were called “co-alcoholics” because their lives had become just as unmanageable as the person with addiction
• By the 1980s, therapists like Melody Beattie (author of Codependent No More, 1986) broadened the term beyond addiction

Research from the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction shows that codependent behaviors often develop from “early exposure to addiction behavior, resulting in their allowance of similar patterns of behavior” in adult relationships.

Why Codependency Matters for Mental Health & Faith

Mental health perspective: Codependency increases anxiety, depression, burnout, and identity confusion.

Faith perspective: It shifts trust from God to people, believing “If they’re okay, then I’m okay”, rather than resting in God’s unconditional love.

Learning to set healthy boundaries in relationships is essential for both mental and spiritual wellbeing.

Sarah’s Story: Living in the Shadow of Codependency

Sarah had always been the reliable one. Growing up in a home where her father struggled with alcohol and her mother withdrew, Sarah stepped in early to hold things together. She learned to keep the peace, anticipate everyone’s moods, and take care of problems before they erupted.

As an adult, Sarah carried those patterns into her relationships. She married Tom, a charismatic man who often struggled to keep jobs and manage stress. At first, she felt needed, she paid the bills, soothed his outbursts, and covered for him when he didn’t follow through.

But over time, Sarah’s life became smaller. She stopped seeing friends because Tom got jealous. She worked extra hours to keep their household afloat, telling herself it was “just for a season.” Inside, she felt constantly exhausted and anxious, but the thought of leaving Tom, or even saying no, filled her with guilt and fear.

When Tom was angry, Sarah took it as her failure. When he was happy, she felt a rush of relief, like she had done her job. Her emotions rose and fell entirely on his stability.

Sarah’s breaking point came when her teenage daughter confronted her: “Mom, you care more about keeping Dad calm than taking care of yourself. We need you too.” Those words pierced Sarah’s heart. She realized she had spent so long living for someone else that she didn’t know who she was anymore.

If you recognize yourself in Sarah’s story, you might want to read about common signs of codependent relationships to better understand these patterns. Understanding expert perspectives on codependent relationships can also provide valuable insights into the healing process.

8 Evidence-Based Coping Skills for Healing from Codependency

Healing from codependency requires learning to value yourself as much as you value others and building new habits of self-respect.

1. Set Clear Boundaries

• Practice saying “no” without over-explaining
• Recognize that someone else’s emotions are not yours to carry
• Remember: Boundaries are not walls, they are doors with locks, opened by choice, not obligation

Need help setting boundaries? Our therapists specialize in boundary-setting techniques. Search by location and specialty.

2. Build Self-Awareness Through Reflection

• Journal about where you feel over-responsible
• Notice patterns of guilt or fear when you assert your needs
• Reflect on whether your choices come from love or fear of rejection

3. Shift Your Identity Foundation

Anchor your worth in something deeper than others’ approval, your faith, your values, your God-given identity.

Remember: You are not defined by what you do for others, but by who you are.

4. Practice Intentional Self-Care

• Schedule rest without guilt
• Engage in hobbies, creativity, or friendships outside caregiving roles
• Care for your body with sleep, exercise, and nutrition as acts of stewardship

Research shows that self-care strategies for relationships are crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and preventing codependent patterns from developing.

5. Seek Professional and Community Support

• Therapy and support groups (like Codependents Anonymous) provide guidance
• Healthy community breaks the isolation of codependency and models balanced relationships
• Research shows “Codependency can be difficult to change alone as codependent behaviors are often learned early on and reinforced over many years.”

Many people find it helpful to start with relationship inventory exercises to better understand their patterns before seeking professional help.

6. Allow Others to Own Their Choices

• Let go of the need to fix or rescue
• Trust that others can face their consequences and learn from them
• This doesn’t mean abandonment, it means respecting their autonomy

7. Develop Emotional Regulation Skills

• Learn to sit with uncomfortable feelings without immediately acting
• Practice distinguishing between your emotions and others’ emotions
• Use grounding techniques when you feel the urge to “rescue”

8. Rebuild Your Support Network

• Reconnect with friends and family outside the codependent relationship
• Join groups or communities aligned with your values and interests
• Invest in relationships that are mutually supportive

Sarah’s Transformation: The Path Forward

With counseling and the support of a women’s group, Sarah began to set boundaries. She learned to say “no” without guilt, to let Tom take responsibility for his choices, and to give herself permission to rest.

At first, it felt wrong, like she was being selfish. But slowly, Sarah discovered freedom. She started painting again, reconnected with friends, and, most importantly, rebuilt her sense of worth not on how well she managed others, but on her identity as a beloved daughter of God.

Sarah’s journey reflects many inspiring stories of codependency recovery where people learn to distinguish between healthy caring and unhealthy enabling.

FAQ: Common Questions About Codependency

What are the main signs of codependency?

Key signs include feeling responsible for others’ emotions, difficulty saying no, low self-esteem tied to helping others, and fear of abandonment or rejection when setting boundaries.

Can codependency be cured?

While codependency isn’t a clinical diagnosis, the patterns can be changed through therapy, support groups, and developing healthy coping skills. Recovery is possible with commitment and support.

How long does codependency recovery take?

Recovery is a process that varies for each person. Many people see improvements in 3-6 months of consistent therapy and support group attendance, but deeper healing often takes 1-2 years.

What’s the difference between being caring and being codependent?

Caring comes from choice and maintains healthy boundaries. Codependency involves compulsive helping, losing yourself in others’ problems, and enabling unhealthy behaviors.

Can codependents have healthy relationships?

Yes! With recovery work, codependents can develop balanced, mutually supportive relationships based on choice rather than compulsion.

Take the First Step Toward Freedom

Codependency recovery isn’t about becoming selfish, it’s about becoming whole. When you learn to care for yourself with the same compassion you show others, you create space for authentic love to flourish.

Ready to break free from codependent patterns? Connect with experienced therapists in your area who understand codependency recovery.

Reflection Questions for Your Journey

• Where do I struggle most with people-pleasing or rescuing?
• How does fear of rejection or abandonment show up in my relationships?
• What boundary could I set this week that would protect my peace?
• How would my life feel different if I trusted God with others instead of carrying them myself?

During the holiday season, it can be difficult to know how to care for yourself and family while also meeting the expectations of others. It’s a busy season of family gatherings, office parties, and kids’ activities that can come with lots of high hopes and expectations.

What are Boundaries

Setting  Healthy Boundaries

It’s Okay to Say No

Individuals with a people-pleasing disposition are often characterized by their relentless pursuit of peace and their aversion to conflict, which frequently comes at a personal cost. These individuals are typically highly empathetic and have a tendency to prioritize the needs of others over their own, a trait that sometimes leads to being taken advantage of. Furthermore, their deep-seated need for acceptance and approval exposes them to vulnerability, especially with certain personality types. Despite being cognizant of this self-defeating behavior, altering it is a significant challenge due to a multitude of factors. 

Primarily, the impulse to appease others is rooted in a conscientious and selfless attitude. However, when pushed to the extreme, this behavior becomes self-destructive. This inclination towards relational self-sacrifice is often underpinned by subconscious mechanisms, many of which are established through early attachment relationships with parents. 

In cases where parents are self-absorbed, their attention to their children’s emotions is often conditional, based on how closely these emotions align with their own. When a child’s feelings deviate from those of the parent, the typical parental reactions range from dismissive to punitive. This dynamic teaches the child either to distrust their feelings or to suppress them in favor of the parents, inadvertently setting a precedent for future relationships. 

In addition to this, experiences of rejection from emotionally detached parents can further contribute to a people-pleasing disposition. These parents often use acceptance and approval as leverage, maintaining a dominant position in the parent-child dynamic. Their unpredictable and critical nature keeps the child in a constant state of seeking approval. Furthermore, such parents often fluctuate between idealizing and devaluing the child, rarely expressing genuine and deep affection for who the child truly is. The child, often treated as either an extension of the parent’s desires or as an unworthy entity, rarely experiences a sense of normalcy in these interactions. This cyclical pursuit of not disappointing people and achieving an elusive state of ‘perfection’ often extends into adulthood. 

Another aspect that contributes to the development of a people-pleasing personality is the tendency of some parents to adopt a victim role in their relationship with the child. In situations where a parent is unable to manage their emotions effectively, they might resort to a victim stance to manipulate scenarios and induce guilt. For instance, a child may return home to find a parent in distress, blaming the child indirectly for a situation, thereby instilling a profound sense of guilt and responsibility in the child. This instilled fear of causing upset often transitions into adulthood and permeates other relationships, where the individual constantly endeavors to avoid causing any displeasure. 

For people-pleasers, recognizing their inherent worth is a crucial step in the journey toward psychological well-being. An essential part of this personal development involves learning how to establish healthy boundaries, a task that may not naturally align with their accommodating disposition. Nonetheless, understanding the importance of self-care and assertiveness is key to their emotional and mental health. 

Here are five practical tips to aid people-pleasers in setting effective boundaries: 

1. Acknowledging the Right to Prioritize Personal Needs: It is essential for individuals to give themselves permission to put their needs first. This might seem counterintuitive to someone who is deeply empathetic and accustomed to tuning into the emotions of others, but it is fundamental to maintaining good mental health. Cultivating healthy boundaries often empowers individuals to care for themselves before extending themselves for others. 

1. Simplifying Boundary Communications: When establishing a boundary, it is advisable to avoid elaborate explanations. A concise approach can prevent the other party from using your reasons as an opportunity to impose their own viewpoints. For example, rather than giving a detailed account of why you cannot fulfill a request, a simple and straightforward explanation is more effective. 

1. Maintaining a Warm and Considerate Tone: It’s important to maintain warm intonations and inflections in your voice while communicating boundaries. This ensures the message is delivered in a caring and kind manner, even if the content may not be what the other party wishes to hear. Adapting the interaction to suit the people-pleaser’s inherent empathetic style makes the process more comfortable and authentic. Employing humor can also be a useful strategy in these situations. 

1. Timeliness in Establishing Boundaries: Avoid delaying the establishment of boundaries, as procrastination can lead to increased resentment and anger. Addressing boundary issues early on helps in maintaining composure and handling the situation more effectively. 

1. Planning and Rehearsing Responses: It is beneficial to plan and practice your responses in advance. Engaging in role-play with a trusted individual can help in easing the stress associated with asserting oneself. For people-pleasers, articulating ‘no’ or setting 

 

Lorena Salthu 

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References 

Maté, G. . How to stop people pleasing and set authentic boundaries while staying kind? In Reclaiming Authenticity: Conversations with Dr. Gabor Maté. Science and Nonduality (SAND). Retrieved from https://scienceandnonduality.com/videos/how-to-stop-people-pleasing-and-set-authentic-boundaries-while-staying-kind/. 

Millions upon millions of Americans see their families during the holiday season. While a lot of us look forward to taking time off from work and spending quality time with our loved ones, just as many of us dread the holidays because we have to spend time with them. 

“Although holidays are often times of connection, joy, gratitude, friendship, and love, they can sometimes be times of frustration, fear, loneliness, and exhaustion,” explains Kendall Coffman, MS, a marriage and family therapist.  

In order to ensure your holidays are as enjoyable as possible, you need to understand some of the factors that cause family members to reach their wit’s end during the holiday season. Once you do, you can begin figuring out how to set boundaries with family and learn about some tactics you can use to navigate the holidays smoothly. 

Surviving the Holidays: Why People Feel Uncomfortable at Family Gatherings 

A recent survey found that — while 81 percent of Americans plan to see family members during the holiday season — just 55 percent were actually looking forward to it. 

In large part, this is due to the fact that families tend to argue over things like politics and religion during holiday dinners — particularly when there are copious amounts of adult beverages involved. 

But that’s not the only reason. That same study found that Americans don’t like seeing family during the holidays because 

• They don’t like sleeping on the floor or on the couch 
• They don’t want to be packed into a small space with tons of people 
• They wouldn’t be able to get intimate with their partner in their family member’s house 
• They wouldn’t be able to watch their favorite TV shows 

• They don’t like the food their family serves 
• They wouldn’t be able to walk around in their underwear 
• They’d have to share a room with a relative 

Of course, we’re still in the middle of a pandemic, which adds another layer of complexity into an already difficult time of the year. 

Now that you have a better idea of some of the main drivers of argumentative behavior at family gatherings, let’s turn our attention to what you can do to reduce the chances family members are at each other’s throats this holiday season. 

How to Establish Boundaries with Family 

For clinical psychologist Paul Greene, PhD, the holidays are the perfect time to start thinking about what kinds of behaviors are unacceptable and what your family can do to create workable boundaries. 

“Gathering with family for any of the holiday rituals is a good opportunity to reflect with a 360-degree perspective for discovering acceptable and enforceable boundaries,” Dr. Greene says. 

Since every family is different, you’ll need to ask yourself and at least some of your family members a series of questions to outline what your family’s boundaries might be. According to Dr. Greene, these are some of the questions you should ask: 

• Why are you gathering? 
• Which members of the family are most likely to cause trouble? 
• What are some of the pitfalls your family has encountered in the past? 
• What does the vision for a more acceptable gathering look like? 

Once you’ve come up with agreeable answers, you can then start to define the boundaries themselves. For example, boundaries with family might include no yelling, no political discussion, and no abusive behaviors. 

Whatever your family ultimately decides, by preparing ahead of time about the coming events, you will improve the odds for a better holiday, Dr. Greene says. At the same time, this will help you resolve issues before your family gathers so that fences are mended ahead of time. 

By now, you have a better understanding of some of the drivers of family grief during the holiday season as well as the way setting boundaries can help mitigate some of them. In the next section, we’ll explore some other tactics that can save you as you approach your next family gathering. 

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays Smoothly 

Other than outlining boundaries and doing everything you can to adhere toand enforce them, here are some additional tactics to keep in mind that can help you have productive and enjoyable family gatherings.

1. Set realistic expectations

According to Paul W. Anderson, PhD, who’s a licensed psychologist, it’s important for folks to set realistic expectations for the holidays. 

“In America, the holiday period is the emotional hurricane season,” Dr. Anderson says. “The most realistic expectation I offer people is to just get through the season with minimal ensnarement in family drama. This is not the time to pursue good feelings. It’s the time to survive, so later on you can find yourself in one piece.” 

If yours is a particularly politically divided family, prepare for the likelihood that someone will invariably start yapping about politics — even if your family has set a boundary of “no political discussions.” 

2. Don’t over-indulge

It’s no secret that Americans like to imbibe during the holidays. Of course, when people drink too much, they’re much more likely to get into arguments with their family members. 

If you can get through the holidays without too many spirits, there’s an easy fix: do as much as you can to abstain. 

“Drink enough but not too much alcohol,” Dr. Greene says. “That may mean zero or near-zero.” 

Unfortunately, this might not prevent your eccentric uncle from tossing them back and starting an argument about Ross Perot’s role in the 1992 U.S. presidential election. But if you keep your alcohol intake in check, you can at least rest comfortably knowing you won’t be making it worse.

3. Understand that it won’t last forever

When you’re in the middle of a difficult and tense family gathering, it may feel as though time is grinding to a halt. Even though the night might seem to stretch on forever, you need to remind yourself that this too shall pass, and that — eventually — you or your family will be headed back home. 

If you find yourself struggling during a particularly tense moment, Dr. Greene recommends staying patient by focusing on your breathing. 

“Practice counting to 10 before speaking, then breathe deeply, two seconds in and four seconds out,” he says. “Repeat as needed.”

4. Make your own rules

At the end of the day, there’s no reason any of us have to put ourselves into toxic situations just for the sake of it. This is part of the reason why many people are opting to spend holidays with their “chosen family” — i.e., their very close friends. 

“You are allowed to not invite someone to the party because they threaten your identity,” Coffman says. “You have permission to make your own rules this holiday.” 

At the same time, it’s also okay to get along with family members — and even love them — although they might disagree with you on various important topics. 

“You are also allowed to lean into fun, play, and excitement. You are allowed to love a family member who has different views than you,” Coffman concludes. “You get to decide what works best in your life this holiday. Protect your peace.” 

Getting Ready for Your Next Family Gathering 

Are you anticipating exceptionally difficult family gatherings this holiday season? If so, remember that you don’t have to go into the holidays on your own.  

If you need some help getting ready for the holidays, a therapist can help you get in the right frame of mind before the big days arrive. Start your search for the perfect therapist today.

 

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Help for the Helping Professional: Risk Management Strategies

The success of psychotherapy is correlated with the attachment between client and therapist in the therapeutic relationship (Farber, 2015). According to Dr. Farber, empathy and building the bond of attachment is our stock-in-trade as mental health practitioners. When empathy builds the bond of attachment with someone starved for connection, a therapist may inadvertently set themself up to become a victim of a stalker (Farber, 2015).

Safety Risks Often Discounted

When a therapist embarks on training, they are imbued with ethical principles to guide the delivery of services. One crucial ethical principle is to take reasonable steps to avoid harming their clients and minimize harm where it is foreseeable and unavoidable. However, training programs do not adequately equip mental health providers to take reasonable steps to mitigate the safety risks inherent in working within the mental health field. Unfortunately, therapists often lack support when they talk about the dangers faced in their profession. Therapist safety concerns are often met with the sentiment that “it comes with the territory.” Therefore, they must deal with and manage risks or even active threats alone. People often have the same view when nurses, physicians, firefighters, law enforcement officers, and service members talk about the risk they are managing. The dismissal of the severity of risk that mental health providers take on reduces their access to resources and tools to reduce that risk successfully. An industry designed to help individuals who struggle with the perpetration of harm against others does not negate the provider’s right to be free from harm. Stalking, in particular, has become a major concern for therapists in this technological boom.

Stalking and Therapists

Stalking is a prevalent phenomenon with significant negative psychological, physical, social, and financial consequences (Sheridan, Adrian, & Scott, 2019). According to the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics (2015), a greater percentage of females experience stalking than males. Additionally, 2.2% of females compared to 0.8% of males experienced at least one stalking victimization within a 12-month period. Storey and Hart (2017) correctly documented that prevalence estimates are considerably higher for individuals holding certain professions. Mental health professionals (psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors) have higher rates of stalking than other professionals (Galeazzie & DeFazio, 2006; Store, 2012). Nearly 19.5% of psychologists report being stalked in the context of their professional lives (Lion & Herschler, 1998; Smoyak, 2003; Whyte et al., 2011). Additionally, 32% to 64% of counselors have been victims of some form of harassing behavior from a client (Romans, Hays, & White, 1996; Store, 2016). 

Health care workers and mental health care workers have been stalked by their clients, as documented in several studies from the United States (Romans, Hays, White, 1996; Gentile et al., 2002) and abroad (Galeazzi, Elkins, & Curci, 2005; Abrams & Robinson, 2011). In fact, research has demonstrated that co-workers also stalk service providers, but the percentage of stalking from service users is higher (Ashmore et al., 2006). This means that, although anyone can potentially be stalked within their professional environment, mental health professionals are at a higher risk of being stalked by their clients than others in other work environments.

Reducing the Risk

Specific risk reduction and threat management interventions are needed to ensure that therapists have effective risk management tools and risk reduction policies at their disposal. Why is risk reduction necessary for professionals in mental health? According to Galeazzi, Elkins, & Curci (2005), mental health professionals who have been stalked by their clients have left the field, reported lost time from work, and moved to a different state to escape their stalker. They have also carried weapons to work in response (Pope, & Vasquez, 2011). The impact of stalking on providers is substantial. There is limited training currently available about how to manage stalking in one’s mental health career. The call is to have adequate systems in place to reduce the likelihood of stalking and appropriately respond when it does occur. In the age of technology, stalking risks are increased due to clients having multiple ways to contact their practitioners and access their personal information online. Mental health providers may face online stalking or be stalked by phone or email in addition to unwanted physical presence in the professional or personal environment. Here are six risk management strategies: 

#1 Implement Client Consultations

Harm reduction involves the initial assessment of risk in your professional environment. Therapists are trained to assess risk for client harm to self and others but often do not view harm to themselves as a potential area to consider. Professionals working in a private practice setting, group forensic setting, or within a hospital setting will have different risk factors to consider. For example, a provider working in an independent private practice may wisely implement more stringent policies to reduce risk than a provider who works within a health system and has access to on-site security guards and other professionals that may serve as a risk management team.

When possible, all new clients should participate in an initial consult to determine if this treatment setting will offer the most effective treatment and evaluate any potential risk factors that the provider or system may have to manage. Clinicians are encouraged to refer individuals to a higher level of care and to agencies that can responsibly manage harm potential more effectively as needed. For example, a client with a history of stalking may need to work with a provider in a larger treatment agency versus a solo provider in private practice in order to minimize the risk of intimate attachment that may lead to stalking behavior. The risk assessment process can inform the policies a provider creates for the safety of everyone involved. 

#2 Provider-Client Technological Access

Therapists should use business phones and office email systems versus their personal cell numbers and email addresses to communicate with clients. At the beginning of treatment, therapists should outline communication policies, specifically what content is to be communicated electronically (i.e., scheduling new appointments of cancellations versus crisis intervention) and time parameters for communication with clients (e.g., during business hours only). One’s communication policy should, of course, contain a limits of confidentiality policy and discussion of how the professional will handle violations of the communication policy. A communication policy that outlines limits to professional responsiveness and limitations to the depth of electronic communication can minimize safety risk by establishing clear, professional boundaries.

#3 Maintain Communication Boundaries

Therapists should adhere to the communication policies they set forth for their clients. If a provider establishes that they will not communicate with clients after business hours via email, they must not violate their own policy. If a professional indicates that they will not address clinical issues via email, they must follow through on that commitment. Psychotherapists violating their own communication policy may condition their clients to violate the policy as well. Boundary violations from either party increase safety risks.

#4 Seek Support from Colleagues

Mental health providers have the privilege of helping individuals who struggle with a variety of emotional and behavioral concerns. Given the nature of this work, risk cannot be prevented, but it can be reduced and managed more effectively with support. Not unlike individuals seeking services for distress due to being threatened, clinicians also need support as they implement protocols to reduce their risk or manage active threats. The inherent risk of the mental health profession does not negate the need for support in the face of risk management or active threat reduction. I encourage therapy for therapists to help them manage the distress of working within risky situations or addressing active threats.

#5 Individualized Action

When therapists are managing an active stalking threat, they must take care of themselves the same way they take care of others. They must seek support from other mental health professionals to determine ways to work within the boundaries of ethical mandates while preventing harm to themselves. They may also need to seek the assistance of law enforcement to manage risk and prevent harm. The individual goals and efforts of mental health providers to manage the risk inherent in their position can make a significant difference in the outcomes they experience.

#6 Systemic Action

Training therapists to implement protocols to minimize their safety risks is vitally important to bringing about widespread change in risk management for mental health providers. Psychiatrists and psychologists are the professionals most likely to be stalked, possibly because aspects of the psychotherapeutic relationship can produce misunderstandings about the nature of the intimacy generated and appropriate boundaries in this type of relationship (Galeazzi, Elkins, & Curci, 2005). Mandating risk management continuing education for mental health providers to learn how to minimize their own safety risk should be encouraged. Consultation services for psychologists who are navigating managing active stalking threats should be more accessible. The impact of reduced safety for therapists comes at too great a cost to themselves and their communities. Mental health providers need systemic protection plans so that they can continue working hard to minimize distress and improve life functioning for their clients.

Got something profound or helpful to share with other mental health professionals on the GoodTherapy blog? We welcome content contributions from our members. Not a member yet? Explore GoodTherapy membership opportunities.

References

Abrams, K. M., & Robinson, G. E. (2011). Stalking by patients: Doctors’ experiences in a Canadian urban area. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 199, 738-743. 

Ashmore, R. Jones, J., Jackson, A., & Smoyak, S. (2006). A survey of mental health nurses’ experiences of stalking. Journal of Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 13, 562-569. 

Farber, S. (2015 ) My Patient, My Stalker Empathy as a Dual-Edged Sword: A Cautionary Tale. American Journal of Psychotherapy | Vol 69, No. 3, 331-355. 

Galeazzi, G.M., Elkins, K., & Curci, P. (2005). The stalking of mental health professionals by patients. Psychiatric Services, 56, 37-138. 

Gentile, S. R. , Asamen, J. K., Harmell, P.H.,, & Weathers, R. (2002). The stalking of psychologist by their clients. Professional Psychology, Research and Practice, 33, 490-494. 

Lion, J.R., & Herschler, J.A. (1998). The stalking of clinicians by their patients. In J.R. Meloy (Ed.), The psychology of stalking: Clinical and forensic perspectives (pp. 163-173). San Diego, CA: Academic Press.

Mark M. A. Bureau of Justice Statistics, January 22, 2015, NCJ 248470.

Pope, K. S., & Vasquez, M. J. T. (2011). Ethics in psychotherapy and counseling: A practical guide (4th ed.). John Wiley & Sons Inc.

Romans, J.S. C., Hays, J.R., & White. T. K. (1996). Stalking and related behaviors experienced by counseling center staff members from current or former clients. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27, 595-599. 

Sheridan, L. North, A. C. & Scott, A. J. (2019). Stalking in the Workplace. Journal of Threat Assessment and Management. Vol. 6, No. 2, 61-75.

Smoyak, S. (2003). Perspectives in mental health clinicians on stalking continue to evolve. Psychiatric Annals, 33, 641-648. 

Storey, J.E., Hart, S.D., & Lim. Y.L. (2017). Journal of Threat Assessment and Management. Vol. 4, No. 3 122-143. 

U.S. Department of Justice Office of Justice Programs. Bureau of Justice Statistics, January 2015. https://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=5217

Whyte, S., Penny, C., Christopherson, S., Reiss, D., & Petch, E. (2011). The stalking of psychiatrists. International Journal of Forensic Mental Health, 10, 254-26.

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between a parent and a child that blurs boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. The parent looks to the child for emotional support. In some cases, the parent also seeks practical support from the child.

In an emotionally incestuous relationship, the child is expected to meet the needs of the parent rather than the parent meeting the needs of the child. This type of relationship, which is similar to enmeshment, is inappropriate and can be psychologically damaging for the child.

Emotional incest often occurs when the parent does not have their needs met by a romantic partner or when the family dynamic is broken. Substance abuse, infidelity, and mental health issues tend to increase the dependency of the parent.

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being.

What Does Emotional Incest Look Like?

Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can happen when the parent talks to the child as though the child were an adult. The parent may request advice from the child regarding adult issues and can even place the child in the role of therapist.

When the parent is sad or lonely, it’s up to the child to make them feel better, or at least feel their feelings with them. The boundaries are blurred and meshed. The child may lack any sense of emotional separation from the parent (Love, 2011).

Is Emotional Incest a Form of Neglect?

Elevating a child to the role of supporter and adult can lead to neglect and emotional abuse. A parent who is overly dependent on a child can also be critical and neglectful. Parents who have traversed or inverted parent-child roles can refuse or be unable to provide appropriate support for the child. This can result in a confusing mix of love and abuse (Hosier, 2015).

When a parent relies on the child, the child’s needs are not being met. Children who are placed in the role of adults often do not know how to ask for help. They understand that their parent is unable or uninterested in providing emotional support, so they deny their own needs.

Why Some Parents Look to Children for Support

It is thought that early emotional deprivation can lead some adults to regard their children as parental figures (Jurkovic, 2014). When divorce occurs, this can leave a vacuum that encourages a child to step in and do what they can to help the family (Freud, 1989).

Parents with narcissistic personality (NPD) may lack insight into how their behavior affects their child (Kriesberg, n.d.). They may also justify or deny their behavior and refuse to see that their child may be suffering.

Narcissistic parents and parents who engage in emotional incest often need praise from their child. Questions such as, “Am I a good mother?” or, “How much do you love me?” can place the child in a precarious position, as the child is not allowed to complain or express their own needs. Instead, the parent is the primary one who needs care. This unspoken understanding that the child’s needs are not as important as the needs of the parent can have lasting effects and can cause difficulties in adult relationships.

A parent with addiction may also develop an inappropriate reliance on their child. The child can assume the role of caretaker both when the parent is intoxicated and when the parent is sick and recovering from using substances or alcohol. Children of addicted parents often understand the parent is not capable of caring for them. As a result, they become the “strong one” in the family. The child may hide or deny their own needs even to themselves, as they know the parent is unavailable to provide care.

Emotional Incest: Child Outcomes

The impact of emotional incest on adult children can manifest in a variety of ways. They often have difficulties setting boundaries in relationships. They may also experience depression, shame, suicidal feelings, excessive guilt, anxiety, and social isolation.

Emotional incest can rob a child of the ability to develop at a normal pace, as they are forced into maturity at an early age and denied the opportunity to experience appropriate and supportive relationships. When they reach adulthood, they can experience dysfunctional adult relationships that perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy relationships.

Processing Emotional Incest: The Role of Therapy

Therapy allows you to understand and address the impacts of emotional incest. Underlying issues can be explored and healed in a nonjudgmental and safe environment. A therapist can provide guidance for building appropriate, healthy adult relationships as well as help with relationships with children.

Many adults who experienced emotional incest as a child do not want to repeat the pattern. Therapy can provide guidance and positive support for parents who want their own children to experience healthy parent-child relationships. Find a licensed, compassionate therapist here.

References:

1. Freud, A. (1989). Normality and pathology in childhood: Assessments of development. London: Routledge.
2. Hosier, D. (2015). Child-parent relationship too close for comfort? Emotional incest explained. Childhood Trauma Recovery. Retrieved from childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/child-parent-relationship-too-close-for-comfort-emotional-incest-explained
3. Jurkovic, G. J. (2014). Lost childhoods: The plight of the parentified child. New York, NY: Routledge.
4. Kriesberg, S. (n.d.). Women with narcissistic parent: Stuck in worry. Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Retrieved from adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/women-narcissistic-parents
5. Love, P. (2011). The emotional incest syndrome: What to do when a parent’s love rules your life. New York, NY: Bantam.

Considering the outpouring of support and positive feedback I’ve received since my last article, “Emotional Regulation and Children: Tips for Caregivers,” I thought I would continue with a theme of parental support and tips. My job, as a child and family therapist, is to offer support and assistance to parents as they learn to manage their emotions and responses to children while also helping them teach their children how to self-regulate.

The Importance of Boundaries

One of the most important aspects of helping children, adolescents, and even adults manage their own emotions is helping them understand boundaries and their importance. Boundaries are a touchy subject for a lot of people. When talking about boundaries in sessions, I often hear the assumption that boundaries mean hard rules, “mean” rules, or that they are designed to create distance between two or more people.

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But the wonderful thing about boundaries is, while there are indeed some general principles for them, the ways we utilize them are individual and unique to each situation and/or the people involved. An even more wonderful thing about boundaries? They’re easy to use and implement, even with young children. That being said, let’s explore a few techniques that are useful for handling common parenting difficulties while simultaneously supporting little children and their big emotions.

Everyone likes some degree of control, even children. As children learn to navigate the world, figure out their role in life, and learn just what they have power over, they’re going to want to show you they are in control. As this assertion of control often means refusals to listen or follow directions, it can be difficult for parents to navigate.

Take, for example, a morning battle I hear of many parents having with their young, school-age children: what to wear to school. Say your child wants to want to wear their Halloween costume or a tutu over jeans with flip-flops and a poncho, but you want them to wear something more appropriate for school or play. To navigate this struggle, I suggest implementing a boundary that allows the child control within a limitation. Allow them a choice of three outfits you picked. Will they love that? They might not, but it allows them control within reason. If they fight you, the ensuing dialogue could go something like this:

Parent: You can choose from one of these three outfits.

Child: No, I don’t want to wear any of those! I want to wear my costume!

P:  I know you do. It’s a fun and cool costume, and I’m sure you feel very tough and important in it, but you have to pick one of these.

C: WHY?

P: Because sometimes we need to wear things we don’t want to. You know, I would love to wear pajamas to work, but my boss expects me to wear nice clothes. Even though you love this costume, it isn’t Halloween, and it will make it difficult for you to sit properly in class or play at recess. Your teacher and friends will all be dressed in school clothes, and so you need to wear school clothes, too.

C: I don’t want to!

P: I know you don’t, and I see this is hard for you to understand, and that you are frustrated with me for making this rule. But I’m not going to change my mind, so let me know when you decide which of these three outfits you’d like to wear.

By setting a boundary, you are helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.

By responding in this way, you are setting a solid boundary. Your child learns you will enforce the rule and not change your mind, but also that you understand their frustration with the rule—potentially a rule they have not yet encountered. Though the measure of control they have in the situation may not be ideal, they also learn they still do have the power to make a decision on their own and master the situation, within a certain limitation. This is an important skill for children to learn. By setting a boundary, you are also helping your child become familiar with the discomfort and frustration of being told no and learn how to manage this frustration in a healthy and productive way.

Managing Tantrums

Another common challenge faced by parents and children is learning how to manage tantrums. All of us who spend time around children are likely aware of and dread the “terrible T,” the complete, full-body meltdown that leaves both parent and child exhausted, emotional, and often without a solution.

Everyone handles tantrums differently, but I tend to model them for families as follows:

Child: I don’t want to leave the playground. I don’t want dinner! (Child may begin to cry.)

Parent: I know you don’t want to leave. I can see you are having a very good time playing with your friends, but we have to go home and have dinner.

C: NO! (Your child may say they hate you, hit you, or spit, etc.)

P: Oh, wow. I can see you’re upset and angry at me for making us leave. Is that how you feel right now?

C: Yes.

P: I understand, and it’s okay if you’re mad at me. I still love you very much. But listen, we can’t hit people, ok?  Hands are for petting puppies and giving high fives. If you’re going to hit me when it’s time to come home, then we can’t come to the park anymore.

(Child may continue to cry.)

It’s common for children to fight harder when a boundary or limit is put into place. Adults do the same thing. I encourage caregivers to, at this point, get down on the child’s level, hold them close, and show them as much love as they would if the child was behaving well. My philosophy is children need love the most when they are acting their worst.

Here you might say and do the following:

Parent: Okay, Jimmy, let me come down there and give you a big bear hug. Let me help you calm down. Let’s take a big, deep breath, ok? I see how upset you are, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling so many things right now. I know it’s hard to leave, I really do, and you’re being so strong right now.

By this point I find the child has often calmed enough to listen and look you in the eyes—here is where you can get them to hear you, because they know you understand and hear them. You could give them a choice, as in the first example: you might allow them to choose which way to walk home or let them pick dinner if they are able to contain themselves appropriately.

I encourage parents not to pick their child up and put them in the car mid-tantrum, because not only does this tend to create more distress and upset, it rarely ends productively. Sometimes 15 extra minutes at the park, a validating conversation, and some patience goes a long way for you and your child.

An important step in the management of tantrums is validation of the feelings the child is experiencing. Little children have the same feelings we do, but they not only experience them much more intensely and ferociously than adults do, they also lack an adequate understanding of how to manage them. When loving caregivers apply boundaries and limitations in a safe, consistent, and fair way, children learn they will survive the emotional upset and begin to develop the ability to master difficult and unfamiliar experiences.

Learning to apply these boundaries and limitations while validating your child’s feelings is a process that takes practice and consistency. A qualified therapist can help, if you are unsure of where to begin or otherwise having difficulty. Whatever you do, don’t give up!