I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

Breakups and Closure 

Breakups are hard. It’s rare to come out of a relationship where either party feels great at the time of the breakup, let alone both parties. Even when you are the one doing the breaking up, there are often some difficult feelings involved, such as guilt, ambivalence, fear, sadness, anger, etc. When you are on the receiving end, it’s not uncommon for these feelings to be amplified, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming. When we are struggling with a breakup, we just want the pain to go away.  We seek answers for what happened. We look for evidence of what went wrong or signs that things will change. We try to push ourselves to move on to the next person. We crave closure! 

What is Closure? 

It can be easy to confuse escaping the pain of a breakup with closure. Closure doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t feel sad or disappointed that the relationship ended. Rather, closure means that we know and accept that the relationship has ended, and we can leave it in the past and move on with our lives.  

The experience of closure may look different from person to person, and, in some ways, it is easier to explain what closure is not, rather than what closure is. Closure means that we are no longer preoccupied with thoughts of the relationship or breakup. We are not rehashing what went wrong, questioning what we could have done or said differently, wondering what the other person is doing, trying to reach out to our exes to get questions answered, etc. The relationship and breakup are not taking up more real estate in our brains than any other past relationship or breakup.   

Closure does not always mean that we are ready to go out and meet someone new. We can have closure and allow ourselves a period to be alone, if we are doing it for ourselves (i.e., without the hope of reconciliation), with the knowledge that we will want to love again and that we can and will find love again.  

Closure frees us from the emotional pain of the relationship, allows us to learn more about what we need in a future relationship, and brings us closer to finding the right person for us.  

Giving Closure When Ending a Relationship 

It is difficult to try to give someone else closure in a breakup because we can’t know how the other person will feel or take the breakup. They may still search for answers, blame you or themselves, or hold out hope. However, it is helpful for everyone to try to give some closure in a breakup, no matter the reason for the breakup. Whether you are conflicted about the relationship ending or can’t get out of the relationship fast enough, closure helps free you from the emotional entanglement of the relationship and ensures that you are both able to move in different directions.   

Ways to help bring someone else closer to closure at the time of the breakup. 

• Be clear that the relationship is permanently over. Do not try to soften the blow by throwing in temporary time frames that leave the possibility of a future reconciliation.  
• Provide a reason for the breakup but try to avoid blame in either direction. Blaming a partner leads to them asking questions about themselves and what they could have done differently. Blaming yourself can make it seem as if you or the relationship can be “fixed” leaving hope of a future reconciliation. Instead of blame, be clear that you just aren’t a good fit for one another, and it won’t work out. 
• Do not ask or offer to remain friends. This isn’t fair to either party, especially if you weren’t friends before the relationship. Should you bump into each other one day down the road and decide to have a friendship, that is one thing, but it is important to sever contact in the immediate wake of a breakup. This includes following on social media.

Getting Closure 

We aren’t always given sufficient closure in relationships and often need to find it for ourselves. To do this, it is important to be clear about what it means. To have closure, we do not have to know, agree with, understand, or accept the reason why the relationship ended, we only must truly know, understand, and accept the fact that the relationship is permanently over and leave it in the past. Leaving the relationship in the past is often the part where we struggle when we are trying to find closure for ourselves. When we get caught up in trying to figure out answers, rehashing details, or believing that we won’t find closure until we feel good about the breakup, we are preventing ourselves from finding closure. These beliefs keep the relationship very active in our minds (instead of in the past) and keep us feeling stuck. 

Strategies for Finding Closure 

• Cut ties with the ex- Do not remain friends. Do not meet up for any reason. Do not reach out for questions or to get answers. Unfollow on social media. 
• Fill your time with things you love doing- make plans with friends, take up a new hobby, learn something new, and find some new TV shows to watch.  
• Allow yourself some time to feel bad- accept that breakups are hard and give yourself the space to feel that rather than fighting it.  
• Make your home as comfortable as possible- Since you may initially find yourself spending more time at home, treat it like a sanctuary. Get rid of reminders of your ex and bring in small things that make you smile and feel good about yourself. 
• Get support. Reach out to friends and family when you need to share your feelings. Have them also hold you accountable for any self-sabotaging behaviors that prolong closure (e.g., ruminating, obsessing, seeking answers, initiating contact with your ex, etc.).    
• Reflect, but don’t obsess. Think about what worked for you in the relationship and what didn’t. Make note of those things for the next relationship. 
• Remind yourself that, ultimately, the relationship ended because this wasn’t the right person for you. Leaving the relationship allows you the opportunity to find a relationship that better meets your needs.   

Trying to figure out why your partner/spouse left you can become the bane of your existence. Even if there appears on the surface to be an obvious and uncomfortable reason, your brain will search for answers that feel satisfying and rational.

The truth is that there are probably a million reasons for his or her departure, but the one you choose to believe will set the tone for your perspective, attitude, and experience going forward.

For example, it’s typically easier to digest the idea that you and your partner “grew apart” than it is to consider the possibility that he or she fell out of love with you. The first reason is practical and plausible; the latter can be a devastating blow to the heart and ego.

You may never get the answer you are looking for from your partner, but there are several common reasons why someone leaves a relationship. Below are the top five reasons for leaving that I hear about while working with divorcing couples in my therapy practice.

Reasons Partners Leave

1. Your partner wasn’t in love with you anymore. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. You could argue that all long-term relationships lose their spark, but falling out of love usually is code for “I’m done here.” While there are cases in which couples fall back in love, most often it’s hard to renew this emotional connection.

How to cope: As hard as it is, try not to take this personally. Remember that people fall in and out of love all the time, and you probably don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you deeply anyway. Heal your ego and your heart first, and then see where you stand with your emotions.

2. Your partner felt like you became more like a sibling than a partner. Many committed relationships and marriages, particularly those that start at a young age, turn from romantic to familial. [fat_widget_right]These are couples that “grow up” together and then “grow apart.” Husbands become brotherly, and wives become sisterly, until it just feels too weird to be romantic. These are hard situations because there is still a strong emotional connection, but no physical connection. Many people choose to stay in these kinds of marriages, but for many, giving up romance and sex is just not an option.

How to cope: If this is the reason for your divorce or breakup, you probably had a good go of it. The relationship was most likely very comfortable and “good” in many ways, but trust that you will rekindle some of your romantic spark and realize that your marriage was unfulfilling. Cherish what you had, and work on closing that chapter as you prepare for the next.

3. Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you under-appreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

4. Your partner met someone else. This is often the most painful reason for a leaving, but it’s also sometimes the easiest to accept. The message is so strong and clear when there is infidelity. Infidelity can severely strain a relationship and the people involved unlike opaque reasons such as boredom or lack of compatibility. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Cheating partners often don’t even want to work on saving the relationship or marriage, increasing levels of frustration and hurt.

How to cope: Try not to take too much of a righteous or moral stance. The reasons for affairs are very “gray” and multilayered. It’s easy to get trapped in black-and-white thinking, but you will need to expand your concept of the situation to truly heal.

5. Your partner doesn’t have anything in common with you anymore. This always seems like something that can be worked on or fixed, but when two people live separate lives, they can eventually grow too far apart. This happens slowly and mysteriously until, one day, there are no common interests and someone gets bored and wants to move on. In many cases, there were no common interests to start with, making coming back together even harder.

How to cope: This is a great opportunity and time to ask yourself what you want to do with your time and how you want to live. As hard as it can be to lose your partner, there probably is some part of you that shut down or got lost in the relationship. Rediscover that now.

Coping with the end of a relationship can be difficult on many levels. There is no shame in seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist if you need or want it.

By Kendall Coffman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Overcoming Heartbreak: 7 Stages of Healing

Heartbreak can leave us with a hollow and cold feeling as well as a loss of a sense of self. No one is immune to this most human experience of all – the loss of love. It can expose your most vulnerable parts, keep you in a negative emotional loop, and leave you with feelings of hopelessness. However, it is crucial that you know that you are not alone in this. You are not broken or “damaged goods,” but instead, you are a collection of all the difficult and beautiful experiences that have gotten you to this very point. 

7 Steps to Overcoming Heartbreak

The healing process varies from person to person, but self-help expert and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield, in her book Your Pocket Self-Esteem Guide: Increase Your Confidence; Transform Your Life (2021), outlines seven steps to healing that you can use as a guide along your particular journey to emotional recovery: 

1. Exploration
2. Expression
3. Comfort
4. Compensation
5. Perspective 
6. Channeling
7. Forgiveness 

Keep in mind that there is no “quick-fix” to heartbreak and loss. Still, understanding where you are in your own healing journey may help you make a few empowering steps towards your own happy ending.  

Exploration

As Lindenfield (2021) points out, the first task in any healing journey is to explore the nature of your hurt and acknowledge what we perceive to have happened. At this stage, you don’t want to spend time and energy devoted to blaming or pain-numbing. Instead, you want to truly explore the core emotional response occurring within you. It might be helpful to remind yourself that you are merely trying to explore your own perceptions of events and memories, and not necessarily the truth of an event. For example, notice if your response to a breakup centers on negative self-talk and shaming language (e.g., “I am not attractive enough” or “I don’t deserve to be happy”). 

Expression

Once you have explored your perception of your pain, you may naturally flow into the expression stage on your own. At this stage, the key is to slowly allow yourself to feel the pain or emotion connected to the event or heartbreak. Allow yourself to listen to that sad song in the bathtub or reminisce about old memories as long as you don’t find yourself taking an active role in shame or self-blame. Express your broken heart; feel your feelings. 

Comfort

At this point in the healing process, it is crucial that you reach out for help to a friend, family member, or therapist. You may only need someone to hear you tell your story and be present with you, while others may need a few words of encouragement to feel comfort. In some circumstances, you may need your friend to help you begin to trim the branches that your ex-partner grew into your life. Guy Winch said in his 2017 TedTalk entitled “How to fix a broken heart” that it is crucial that we not glorify or make our former partners into idealized heroes. Instead, we should reflect on why they were not a good partner and why they may not have brought happiness into your future. It is time to delete those photos off your phone. 

Compensation

It is now time to start “making up” for all of the pain and hurt you have received or experienced up until this point. It is important to allow yourself to engage in a little self-indulgence. You are allowed to enjoy things. Give yourself permission to find some light. Here are a few examples that some of my clients have incorporated at the compensation stage:

• Listening to “feel good” music 
• Taking a long bath with candles or essential oils
• Going for a walk in the park 
• Sharing a bottle of wine with a friend or group of friends 
• Taking yourself on a solo-date and treat yourself
• Planning a trip 

Perspective 

At this point, you may find yourself well on your way to a mended heart. You may also be ready to start putting the heartbreaking events in perspective and allowing yourself to write a new ending to the story. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself:

• Have I been thinking about the event(s) as though it was more or less significant than it actually was?
• How do I want to re-negotiate relationships in the future?
• Have I given myself the same level of compassion and grace as I would give to someone I love? 
• Do I need to spend more time at any of the earlier stages?

Channeling 

As Lindenfield (2021) explains, the objective of channeling is to find constructive ways to apply the positive benefits you have gained as a result of the emotional pain you have experienced. Some examples include

• Implementing new relational boundaries 
• Giving back to your community or engagement in a group you joined
• Writing a blog about your experience to help others

Forgiveness

Although you may have made it to the final stage, that does not mean you have to force a fake or inauthentic act of forgiveness. This stage is not only about forgiving those who have emotionally hurt you but equally about forgiving yourself for whatever negative thoughts you have harbored towards yourself. Forgiveness does not require that you verbally make amends with other people; you can do this step alone in your own private sacred space.

Special Notes

Use these steps as a running guide and spend time processing them independently or with a therapist. Healing is a messy journey and has no timeline, so trust your gut. In the words of Brene Brown, “you are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your grief in this moment of heartbreak, or if you’re feeling stuck in the healing process and unable to complete it, it may be time to reach out to a therapist. Click here to search for therapists in your area who can help.

References:

Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Lindenfield, G. (2021). Your pocket self-esteem guide: Increase your confidence; transform your life. HarperCollins Publishers.

Winch, G. (2017). How to fix a broken heart. Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart?language=en

By Chareessa Chee, Licensed Professional Counselor

Why People Stay in Bad Relationships

Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It’s not because we’re addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly. Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship. 

The Impact of Our Beliefs

We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable. 

New Information and How We Deal with It

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options: 

1. Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”) 
2. Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”) 
3. Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”) 
4. Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”) 

Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship. 

On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person. 

It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship knows that it’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well. 

From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How to Talk to Yourself

As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action. 

How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change

So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop. 

How to Evaluate Your Situation

I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.

Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.

Businesses have long used the term churn to denote the loss of customers and clients. More recently, psychologists have introduced the concept of relationship churn. In this context, relationship churn refers to unstable on-again, off-again relationships. When couples break up and then reconcile—sometimes many times in a row—this is churn.

Although more prevalent among adolescents and young adults, people of all ages can experience relationship churn. Churning relationships often inspire intense emotions. A person may cycle through intense love, anger, jealousy, grief, and anxiety over the state of the relationship in just a few days.

How Common Are On-Again, Off-Again Relationships?

Relationship churn is a new concept that remains poorly studied, so it is unclear how common these tumultuous relationships are. Most research into the topic has examined relationships among people in their teens, twenties, and thirties, so most data on the topic apply to adolescents and emerging adults. A 2012 study of adolescents and young adults found 44% of participants who had a romantic relationship during the two years prior to the study had at least one breakup followed by a reconciliation. A 2013 study found that more than a third of couples who break up will reunite. The same study found that a fifth of married people experience relationship churn.

Defining relationship churn can prove challenging. One partner might think the couple has reconciled after they have sex, even when the other thinks they are still fighting. Likewise, breakups are not always certain. One partner might think the couple is merely taking time apart even as the other believes the relationship to be permanently over.

The media is filled with depictions of on-again, off-again relationships. Penny and Leonard on The Big Bang Theory broke up only to later reunite and marry. Ross and Rachel on Friends spent much of the series pining away for one another. They remained broken up even after having a child and finally reconciled in the season finale.

Why People Get Back with Their Ex

Permanently breaking up with a partner can be very difficult. Even when a relationship is irretrievably broken (or even abusive), partners may love one another or experience intense infatuation and attraction.

A 2017 study identified numerous reasons for the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, including:

• Believing that problems in the relationship will improve or that the breakup may change a partner’s behavior.
• A strong sense of investment in the relationship.
• Relationship ambivalence. For example, a person might dislike relationship conflict but feel intense love or trust for their partner.
• Uncertainty about the future, which may motivate couples both to break up and to later get back together.
• A sense of familial duty. Even if a relationship is unhappy, partners may reunite because of family obligations.
• Fear of being alone. Singlehood can be difficult, especially for someone who is accustomed to being in a relationship. For some people, such as those with separation anxiety or anxious attachment styles, being single can be scary. Even if a relationship is unhappy, loneliness can trigger a reconciliation.

Bringing Up Baggage

Everyone brings their life experiences to their relationships. These experiences color their expectations, their perceptions of what is normal, and their hopes and fears about the relationship. A reunion following a breakup is no different. However, it can be difficult for couples to separate the baggage from their prior relationship from the new relationship.

Research published in 2013 found that ongoing relationship churn makes it progressively more difficult to end the relationship. Couples trapped in a cycle of breaking up and making up report lower relationship satisfaction and greater uncertainty about the future of the relationship. Another 2013 study found that high-churn relationships had higher conflict than stable relationships, including relationships in which couples remained stably broken up.

This doesn’t mean that it is impossible for a relationship to succeed following a breakup. Some people even successfully remarry after an acrimonious divorce and are able to enjoy many years of happy marriage.

To increase the odds of success a second—or third—time around, it’s important to identify what went wrong in the earlier relationship. A therapist may be able to help couples sort through old issues. Treating the new relationship as a fresh start may also help. Bringing up long-resolved emotional wounds, especially as a weapon in fights, can make it difficult to move forward.

When Should You Break Up for Good?

Relationships in which there is abuse—including verbal, sexual, physical, or financial abuse—are not safe for either partner. Reuniting without addressing the abuse is a recipe for further abuse, and it may give the abusive partner greater control. Likewise, when a partner is abusive to children, reuniting can be traumatic to the kids and harmful to the entire family. Before considering a reunion, each partner must weigh the effects of the relationship on their physical and emotional wellbeing.

Abuse isn’t the only reason to break up for good. Some signs that a relationship is doomed include:

• Continually repeating old patterns. Every couple has a few fights that repeat themselves. But if a couple continues to fight about the same things that caused the earlier break-up, this may indicate the relationship is beyond repair.
• Getting back together without discussing relationship problems. Couples who reunite without committing to sustained change tend to repeat the same patterns as before.
• Reuniting solely because of loneliness or jealousy. Getting back together without a commitment to ongoing communication and relationship improvements can make the next breakup even more painful.

A couples counselor may be able to help couples assess whether their relationship can be saved and what must happen to save it. Therapy can even ease the breakup process by offering support to each partner and helping couples transition to a different type of relationship. For parents of young children who must continue to co-parent, therapy can be particularly helpful.

Both partners do not have to go to therapy to see improvements. It takes two people to create relationship conflict. Individual therapy can help a person identify their role in the conflict. It may also help a person understand why they keep returning to the relationship. If the relationship ends, the right therapist can help ease feelings of grief, jealousy, or low self-esteem.

Find a therapist who can help you cope with relationship churn here.

References:

1. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W., Giordano, P., & Longmore, M. (2012). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: on/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166-188. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0743558412464524
2. Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W., Giordano, P., & Longmore, M. (2013). Relationship churning, physical violence, and verbal abuse in young adult relationships. Journal of Marriage And Family, 75(1), 2-12. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/256378542_Relationship_Churning_Physical_Violence_and_Verbal_Abuse_in_Young_Adult_Relationships
3. Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Page-Gould, E. (2017). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: unpacking the content and structure of relationship stay/leave decision processes. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 9(6), 631-644. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/stoken/default+domain/rSnPjUjJKhefxXSuwIJt/full
4. Vennum, A., Lindstrom, R., Monk, J., & Adams, R. (2013). “It’s complicated”: The continuity and correlates of cycling in cohabiting and marital relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31(3), 410-430. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407513501987

What do you to when one person wants to leave their marriage and the other person wants to keep working on it?

The would-be marriage leaver may have limited motivation to work on the relationship. They may complain that therapy is “too little, too late.” The marriage may no longer fit who they’ve become. Over time, a traditional marriage can feel like the wrong container for one or both members of a couple. Sometimes marriages adjust to allow for new desires and needs. Sometimes the infrastructure fragments, unable to adapt to change.

For the partner fighting for the marriage, fear and loss may loom large. They’ve built a relationship with their partner — possibly over many years. They rely on it for comfort, connection, stability, and a sense of belonging. The relationship is home. Who would choose to be homeless? For partners in this position, the relationship may have been taken for granted. It can feel like an essential requirement for their very existence, like gravity or oxygen. It’s what keeps them rooted, what allows them to go about their life with confidence and certainty.

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The partner fighting for the marriage may struggle to see the other person’s perspective. This is a time of powerful emotions. It’s hard to comprehend the reasoning of the partner who wants out. Many who leave still love their partners, even if the love has lost its erotic charge or emotional heat. For others who leave, there may be toxic secrets or an affair lurking in the background.

Wanting to leave the marriage doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no appreciation for what’s been created, but it may mean something else has become a priority. Rarely is wanting to leave an intentional act of aggression or cruelty, though it can wreak havoc on peace of mind and well-being, particularly during the uncertain transition phase.

For the leaver, wanting to leave may be their attempt at psychological survival. What they need to feel connected to their life force may not seem to exist within the relationship. This realization may create a painful dissonance which the person hopes to resolve through separation or divorce.

The would-be marriage leaver may be rash in their decisions. They may not make space for the scope of their partner’s emotional and psychological disorientation. The experience of the person fighting for the marriage may well be the polar opposite of theirs. Where the person wanting out is eager to see what it feels like to fly solo, the other partner may feel like they’re being forced to untether their life line from the mothership. The person wanting out seems to be saying, “You’ll be okay” and waving at them from a distant window.

The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account.

Terrified and panicked, the partner who wants to preserve the marriage may feel as if they’re drifting into an existential abyss. The assurances they sometimes hear from their partners in these situations can ring hollow and opportunistic. “You deserve real love.” “You’ll find someone who can give you more than I can give you.” It’s better to allow the bereft partner to arrive at their own silver linings and keep these philosophical observations to oneself.

It’s rarely easy or smooth for couples who have different commitment levels to their marriage. The more self-awareness, vulnerability, and honesty each partner can bring to their positions, the easier it may be to connect and explore options that take both partners’ needs and fears into account. Different levels of commitment create a power imbalance in a relationship. Talking about it vulnerably and openly may remind you that you’re figuring things out as a team. Active, thoughtful, respectful communication will minimize impulsive actions and destructive reactions.

The partner seeking to preserve the marriage can:

1. Find the right group/community support through workshops, programs, retreats, or special interests and activities.
2. Make daily time and space for embodying and expressing feelings through dance, art, or outdoor activities such as hiking or exercise.
3. Practice taking responsibility for their 50% of the marital relationship issues through journaling and self-inquiry exercises.
4. Negotiate the physical and emotional boundaries that will help them feel grounded.

The partner who wants to leave the marriage can:

1. Take responsibility for their 50% of the relationship issues.
2. Give the transition process the time it deserves.
3. Honor their partner and their boundaries, allowing for honest, non-defensive communication.
4. Plug into community support.

It can help to establish a time frame and ground rules for the transition process when renegotiating a marriage. This may mean no dating, no solo vacations, and no major solo expenditures. Agreeing on boundaries that fit your living situation, finances, and when and what to tell family members and children may minimize conflicts.

A couple working through differing levels of commitment may need to establish safe and respectful methods for checking in and sharing feelings and challenges. This is not a time to go it alone, although you may not be able to lean on each other in the ways you’re used to. Consider hiring a counselor, mediator, financial adviser, attorney, and/or other guide to help support you.

Our first therapy session began …

The day I found her text on my husband’s phone is a day I will never forget. My whole life changed in an instant. I was stunned and in disbelief. I thought, “Is this really happening to me?”

I read it again. She wrote, “I love you more than ever. Can’t wait until we are together again.”

My heart began pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My mind began racing: “Who is this woman? Why is she texting my husband that she loves him? Would he really cheat? We’ve been together for 17 years. I thought we were happy.” [fat_widget_right]

I called him. He immediately came home from work. He’d accidentally left his phone at home that morning. When he arrived, he couldn’t look me in the eye. He said, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

I responded, “You didn’t mean for me to find out what?”

He said, “That I’m leaving. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

My thoughts started reeling. His words got stuck in my head: “I’m not in love with you anymore.” They went around and around and wouldn’t stop.

“When did this happen?” I asked.

“I haven’t been happy for a few years,” he replied. “You were so focused on the kids. I felt alone.”

“I was so focused on the kids?” I snapped back in exasperation. “Yes, I was! Isn’t that what I was supposed to be doing?”

“I just don’t have those feelings for you anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

I burst into tears. The pain pierced my heart. I could hardly breathe. The pain was excruciating. I felt shattered into a million pieces. My life would never be the same.

Over the next few weeks, we talked and we cried. I went from feeling anger and hatred toward him to feeling like I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to stay and get counseling. No matter what I said, his mind was made up.

I asked about the other woman. She was someone he worked with, of course. They took business trips together. He said she was in an “unhappy marriage” too. They had been having an affair for almost a year.

The day he moved out was horrendous. The kids were a mess. He promised he’d still be there for them.

It’s been a year, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I still feel so rejected.

The only time my mind rests is when I’m busy with the kids or at work. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him stay? What does she have that I don’t have? What’s wrong with me?”

“Is she prettier, sexier, more interesting, more fun? Of course she is. She’s new. She hasn’t had kids. They don’t live together. She doesn’t do his laundry. They don’t have to deal with children and carpools. He’s known her for one year. We were married for 17 years. Maybe he just got tired of me and our life together.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

When a partner leaves, the first few weeks can be extremely painful. People respond by not eating, not sleeping, crying, withdrawing, and generally feeling like the bottom has dropped out. They may have a sense of unreality, like they are a character in a play. There is denial and disbelief.

Often, the worst part is going to bed. The mind wanders to the place where the pain of rejection dwells. It’s hard to escape. The thoughts keep coming. When sleep finally arrives, it is fitful. Waking up in the morning is no better. It’s a new day and the pain starts all over again.

How does a person recover from and overcome the enormous pain of being rejected in one of the most important areas of life? Here are seven steps that may help you heal from the devastation of being rejected by a partner.

1. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to experience them. Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. You may worry they will never stop, but remind yourself it will get better. No matter how hard we cry, at some point we stop.
2. Understand you will go through the stages of grief. The loss of a relationship is like a death. Feelings of disbelief, shock, anger, hurt, bargaining, sadness, fear, and depression are normal. When a partner leaves for someone else, the grief can become even more complicated. The loss occurs, but the person is still there. They made a purposeful decision to leave. Acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, and soothe them.
3. Think of your pain like a wave. There will be times where, for a brief period, you may “forget” about it—and then it will hit you all over again. If you fight the feeling and try to push it away, it will grip you harder. Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
4. Gather your support system around you. You may feel like withdrawing. You may have little energy for others. You may want to stay in bed. Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen. One day, you may have the opportunity to give that back. Let them provide comfort.
5. Stop the self-blame. It’s natural to turn the blame on yourself and ask what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough. Remember it is not your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it. You can invite a partner to go to therapy with you, but they have to make the choice to participate. Partners leave for many reasons. It may have more to do with their baggage than what happened in your relationship.
6. Practice self-care. Try to eat well and get enough rest. Take a walk. Do things that help you relax—meditation, relaxation techniques, changing negative thoughts, prayer. It’s a time to find your “self” again. Be kind to yourself. Spend time around people who love you.
7. Find a therapist who can help. The journey of recovery after a partner leaves takes time, support, and patience. If you are struggling with the loss of a partner, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to support you through crises like this and will help you overcome the pain of rejection.

“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” —Tigress Luv

One of life’s greatest joys can be connecting to another soul in what may sometimes feel like a lonely world. A good relationship can be a landing on which to fall when the inevitable pains of life strike; a safe harbor to point us home when we feel lost; a standing Saturday night date. So, what happens when the one you’ve always relied on to soothe your pain in times of hardship is the source of that very pain? When the agony of a broken heart feels like the stabbing of a thousand knives, how do we even begin the healing process?

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Losing a loved one through a separation such as a breakup or divorce can feel as devastating as losing someone through death. Below are some of the stages of grief and some steps to get through it. Although knowing what you will experience will not take the pain away, it may remind you that you are not alone. Whatever you are feeling, others have likely felt it before. Just as those before you made it through, you can come out on the other side of pain.

Stages of Grief

1. Denial

In times of mourning or loss, we tend to idealize people or situations. In the case of a breakup, we may find ourselves remembering only the good times, while conveniently forgetting why things didn’t work out. Remembering the good is healthy, so long as we “keep it real” and see things as they really were—the good and the not-so-good.

2. Angst

The emotion referred to here is a universal stage of intense sadness that most of us will experience at least once in our lifetimes. It is separate from clinical depression, which may require professional help. Barring a clinical diagnosis, when it comes to healing the pain of a broken heart, time is our strongest ally.

3. Anger

Depending on the circumstances of a breakup, we may feel anger toward the partner we perceive has hurt us. We may indulge in feelings of self-righteousness and fantasize of retribution. That is, until we remember “it takes two to tango.”

Barring cases of abuse, in most relationships, both parties play a role. So, if we look closely enough, we may find the anger we are directing outward is really anger we hold toward ourselves. “How dare they do this to me” turns into “How could I have allowed this to happen?” In either case, blame is rarely the answer.

Steps Toward Healing

1. Find forgiveness and meaning.

Forgiveness is often an essential part of the healing process, whether it is for yourself or the partner who may have “wronged” you. Everything ends, including life. Some people spend their lives never having found love.

If you have had love walk into your life at least once, some people would consider you lucky. Of course, if you’re still reeling from the pain of a broken heart, you may feel anything but lucky. However, once the wounds heal and the pain begins to dissipate, you may feel differently.

2. Be your own safe harbor.

As I mentioned above, life is impermanent. So are relationships. Whether through death or a breakup, every relationship will eventually end. Knowing and accepting this harshest of realities—as impossible as it may seem—could serve you well.

Relationships are essential to our well-being. This includes the relationship we have with ourselves. For the rest of your life, the only one who is guaranteed to be there is yourself. Ultimately, learning to be your own safe harbor can help your healing process.

3. Allow yourself to feel.

One of the many injustices of being human is often we can’t heal without pain. Sometimes to get to the good stuff, we have to endure the bad. As children, if we had a splinter, the idea of someone sticking a tweezer under our skin to get it out didn’t sound so appealing. But to avoid the chance of an infection, we had to endure the temporary sting. The same principle can be applied to psychological pain.

Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

If you need a box of chocolate, or a night of mindless Netflix binging, you can allow yourself that. This is not to encourage self-destructive behavior. Instead, it is a brief reprieve, a moment of indulgence we all deserve every now and then.

But at some point, allow yourself to feel. You can come home, collapse onto the cold kitchen floor, and bawl your eyes out to the point of exhaustion if that helps. Do what you need to do, but be sure to feel. It may hurt like hell. Do it anyway.

4. Get back up again.

Once you do this, you can pull yourself off that cold kitchen floor. Even if it takes a week or a month, eventually you will be able to get back up and remember your greatness. Not the greatness of ego or arrogance, but the greatness in all of us. Even if you’re unable to see it at times—much like the sun on a foggy day—it doesn’t mean the greatness is not there. It will still be there when you are ready to stand back up and live your life to the fullest. You don’t have to let the fear of pain stop you. Suffering is a part of life, but in the end, it can make you stronger.

It took FOREVER to finally leave the person in your life with narcissism, only to realize that once you made that fateful decision, your name became mud.

Your ex is not going to let you go without a fight. You’re going to be villainized like you never experienced before the breakup.

All your friends and family will hear how crazy, unbalanced, manipulative, and narcissistic you are. Your ex will be sure to strike first; you may not want to strike at all, but your hand may seem forced.

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The smear campaign of a person with narcissism can be so convincing. Since, throughout the relationship, you mainly kept your mouth shut about the problems you were having, no one really saw this coming. When your ex starts to talk negatively about you, with feelings of hurt and strong conviction, others may be inclined to believe what they hear. They had no idea how “crazy” you were, but now, if they think about it, they do remember the time you did x, y, or z.

Like many people with narcissistic qualities, your ex can be a master manipulator. They can turn on the sad eyes and tears, convincing everyone how dearly you are loved by them and how clueless they are about why it ended so abruptly. Maybe it’s menopause or a midlife crisis on your part. Obviously, something is wrong with you.

The smear campaign may even work with your children. The children have become so accustomed to an abusive relationship that the concept of scapegoating seems normal. Blaming and villainizing others has been modeled as acceptable. They may see nothing abnormal about making you a target of wrath. And since they love the parent with narcissism, they likely want to win their favor, which makes it all the more easy for them to join in the campaign.

The Anatomy of a Smear Campaign

Here’s how a good smear campaign works:

1. It generally contains an element of truth. For instance, if the person with narcissism complains you abandoned the relationship, well, this is true. They will likely go on and on about how all they ever wanted was to love you and stay with you, but you, in your evilness, flippantly left the relationship—for no reason other than you don’t care about anything other than yourself and can’t keep your commitments.
2. It is done with implication. The person with narcissism may say something like, “I don’t want to sound mean, but certain people, who shall remain nameless, have me worried.” The person with narcissism may imply that, no matter how hard they have tried to help you or deal with your issues, you are irreparable. Some people—you being one of them—are just hopeless. Implication can be a very effective tool. Those listening come to their conclusions about you based on this subtly nefarious input.
3. It is also done overtly. Sometimes the person with narcissism just comes right out and says it: you are a no-good lunatic! They will tell story after story about all the awful things you’ve done. They will take every vulnerability you’ve revealed to them and use it now, along with made-up information, to tarnish your reputation and slander your name.
4. It is relentless. No one holds a grudge quite like a person with narcissism. They can carry a silent treatment to the grave just as well as they can carry a smear campaign. They are relentless. You may be shocked and dismayed by the battleground you find yourself navigating. Never have you encountered such an enemy.

How to Deal with Narcissistic Attacks

What can you do if you find yourself in this position? Here are some tried-and-true suggestions from those who have gone before you:

• Learn to value yourself above anyone else’s opinion. The only way a smear campaign can work is if you allow it to. If people choose to go along with false accusations about you, then yes, it hurts—but you don’t have to let it destroy you. You can learn to not care what others think about you.

Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.

• Remember why you left the relationship in the first place. You were devalued and discarded. You did not leave to continue to be disrespected by others. If others are going to jump on your ex’s narcissistic bandwagon and join their hater campaign, simply walk away and remind yourself that you deserve respect.
• Resist the urge to defend yourself. While this may be easier said than done, it is an important concept. Remember when you were in your relationship? You likely felt defensive often. You probably tried to explain yourself thousands of times, to no avail. You ended up being caught in all kinds of “gotcha” traps. So now that you’re out of the relationship, understand that this person continues to try to control your emotions in similar fashion—causing you to doubt your motives, your good nature, even your sanity. Yes, you do deserve defense, but being caught in the trap of trying to get others (and the person with narcissism) to see your good heart can become a never-ending battle. It is easier to simply tell yourself, “They aren’t going to see,” and move on.
• Make a preemptive strike. In other words, make friends with your “enemies.” Let them get to know you personally. It’s a lot harder to hate someone you know well. If you can befriend the people your ex is targeting for their campaign, you may be able to affect some damage control. If the people being targeted are family (including your children), tell them your side of the story. Let them know you are the target of a smear campaign and to not believe what your ex is saying about you. Inform them your ex is creating “spin” to the point that what they are saying is fiction and a waste of time to believe. Be forthright, convincing, and firm. State your side once, then let it go.
• Spend your time well. No matter what others think or do, you really have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself. Regardless of what others do with their thoughts and actions toward or against you, you cannot control them. You may be able to influence them, but that is all. Don’t spend a lot of your precious energy trying to make others see the truth. Spend time with people who don’t judge you—those who value you and help you feel supported and loved. Enjoy your life!