by Nicole Urdang, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, MS, NCC, DHM, in Buffalo, NY

Aging Wisely: Insight from the Buddha

I have an interpretation of the five remembrances I like to imagine. In it, the Buddha tells his monks about the five remembrances. 

He gathers them together early one morning and says, “Every day, before you get out of bed, I want you to remember these five things:

“I am of the nature to get sick and there is nothing I can do about it.

“I am of the nature to grow old and there is nothing I can do to change that. 

“I am of the nature to die and everything living eventually dies.

“Everyone I love everything I care about, including myself, is of the nature to change.

“All I have are the fruits of my labors.”(1)

The monks look at him incredulously and say, “Are you kidding? That’s really depressing. Why would we want to start our day like that?”

And the Buddha replies, “Because all of these things will happen. By acknowledging them every day and reminding yourself they are inevitable, you’re preparing yourself mentally and emotionally for life. You will not be surprised when difficulties appear. You still have to deal with them, but not with the additional pain of shock and anger that can come from denying reality.

“By understanding these are universal truths, you will not feel singled out for misery.”

Aging in the 21st Century 

We live in a culture of denial and distraction. We deny hunger, homelessness, and suffering; so, naturally, we deny our own aging bodies.

In the short run, this can feel beneficial, as it allows us to maintain the fiction that we are not moving towards an ultimate departure. But we are.

I think it’s far easier to adjust in little daily increments than to just suddenly be walloped with the realization that you have grown old. After all, you only have two choices: growing old or being dead.

Denial Doesn’t Work

Denial is hard to sustain forever. Eventually, the pigeons come home to roost. Then what? Then the shock is even greater.

It’s not easy growing old in a culture that decries it. The highest compliment someone can pay an older person is that they look young. 

3 Ways to Find Freedom Through Acceptance 

It’s not easy being human. It’s not easy growing older. The body does not get healthier as we age. There is a natural decline. This is life. Yes, it’s challenging. But denying it doesn’t make the challenges disappear. As a matter of fact, it’s a Sisyphean task to stem the tide of time. Ultimately, decrepitude and death win. Why not embrace the change? Why not give yourself all the cosmic permission slips that come with growing older? And what might they be — The joy of slowing down? The joy of caring less about what other people think of you? The joy of choosing what you want to do with your day? The joy of being rather than doing?

1. Be Present

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my tombstone to read she looked young until the day she died. What do you want to be remembered for? 

By allowing yourself to be fully present in whatever moment you’re experiencing, even if that’s aging naturally, you fully inhabit something new. This gives you the opportunity to create, explore, and celebrate an evolving version of yourself.

2. Be Aware

Of course, aging with awareness creates a huge shift in your self-perception on all levels: physically, emotionally, relationally, vocationally, financially, even spiritually. Youth and middle age had their challenges and delights. Aging simply has different discoveries and joys. By allowing them to work their magic, you can open up space to become a different version of yourself. This is heavy lifting in a society that exalts youth and extroversion, but it can be done. 

3. Be Yourself

“Be You” is the appropriate T-shirt design for any age. Trying to be the you you were years ago is frustrating, even depressing, and doesn’t allow you to fully embrace the you you are becoming with each new experience, including aging.

Give yourself the biggest gift you can: Love yourself just as you are this minute. If that seems impossible, have compassion for yourself as you learn to not just accept, but embrace different life lessons and experiences. 

Did you know there are psychotherapists with special expertise in helping you navigate your elder years? To find one near you, search for a therapist near you and filter your results by Age Group of Client(s) > Elders or Common Specialties > All other issues > Aging and Geriatric Issues. 

Footnotes

1 Hahn, T. N. (2002). No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life. Riverhead Books (147).

Mindfulness and meditation are two examples of Buddhist psychology that have been widely used to help people deal with a variety of mental health conditions, including mood and personality issues. Buddhist teachings tend to be easily assimilated into mental health treatments because they offer applied practices which help us to overcome unhealthy thinking, behavioral, and emotional patterns.

A practicing Buddhist psychotherapist for nine years, I find myself offering Buddhist teachings and practices to people with greater frequency. Buddhist techniques can easily be applied to “homework” assignments and real-world applications for people in therapy, making them especially useful therapeutic tools.

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Buddhist psychology contains myriad beneficial teachings and practices. I tend to teach people in therapy to meditate regardless of the presenting issue. Some individuals are unable to begin their practice by sitting quietly and following the breath because they experience intrusive thoughts. “Beginner” practices such as walking meditation, reciting a mantra, or counting meditation give the mind something to attend to while simultaneously slowing down racing or unwanted thoughts. Mindfulness, another technique, has become mainstream and is used by many psychotherapists to help people stay in the present moment. Other, lesser-known Buddhist psychology techniques can be equally useful.

Here are four Buddhist psychology concepts of particular note:

Right Action

When you are engaged in thinking, behavioral, or emotional patterns that may have less-than-beneficial effects, investigate and consider a different action that may be more conducive to your well-being. If the action you are considering supports wisdom, understanding, peace, and flexibility, you are on the right track. If the new action is creating more suffering, ignorance, rigidness, or is immoral, you are not engaged in “right action.”

You might start by identifying one minor action you can take the next time you are triggered to promote a sense of peace and well-being. Your practice could start with something as simple as changing an aspect of nonverbal communication such as the tone of your voice or sitting up taller.

After you identify a new right action, the egoic voice may begin commenting on all the reasons you couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t incorporate this new action. Don’t listen. The egoic voice is based in fear. Your inner wisdom, which knows right action, is based in fearlessness.

An element that is contained in any growth process is an ability to tolerate discomfort. When an urge arises, we must stay with the discomfort for as long as possible. This is “right effort.”

Right Effort

Our most harmful thinking, emotional, and behavioral patterns have been habituated over the course of years with thoughts and actions. What is a right effort to break our worst habits? This depends on many factors, including your personality, your motivation, and your support systems.

An element that is contained in any growth process is an ability to tolerate discomfort. When an urge arises, we must stay with the discomfort for as long as possible. This is “right effort.” Tolerating discomfort is by definition uncomfortable, but we can all tolerate some discomfort. We do it all the time.

Impermanence

Everything is impermanent. Your thoughts, emotions, job, health, relationships, physical appearance, and reputation (among other things) are all impermanent. Sometimes, the nature of impermanence results in sudden, life-changing experiences. At other times, conditions change at an imperceptibly slow pace.

My personal favorite is to witness the impermanent nature of my likes and dislikes. Some of my likes become dislikes and some of my dislikes become likes. The condition of clinging and aversion are constantly shifting.

How can we apply this insight to our mental health and well-being? It helps us to learn to tolerate discomfort. Unhealthy behavioral, emotional, or cognitive responses are driven by likes and dislikes. We desire something because we like it. If we can see the urge as an impermanent condition of “liking,” we can distance ourselves from the urge and the habituation may become less intense.

Ego

Buddhist psychology and Western psychology view the ego very differently. In Western psychotherapy, a therapist may strive to identify and empower a person to change aspects of their ego or sense of self. More specifically, a therapist may assist the person in therapy to sculpt their egoic sense of self to adopt healthy self-concepts. In Buddhist psychology, the task is more aligned with an attempt to annihilate ego. The idea is that when there is no longer ego, there is no longer suffering. That is because, according to Buddhist psychology, the ego is the fountain from which clinging and aversion flows. If we can stop the constant flow of clinging and aversion, we may be free from suffering. This is not to say we will not have preferences. We recognize our preferences, but distance ourselves from the perception that our preferences are conditions for joy and peace.

A personal experience I often share with people in therapy occurred at a local Zen temple that I often visit. A visiting monk was joining us for the evening. He was a distinguished older gentleman with a deep sense of stillness and peace. The abbot of the temple, who lives humbly and with minimal comforts, offered us dinner before we began meditation. The dinner consisted of mini-pizzas which still had the price tag of “10 for $1” on the cellophane wrapping. The dear abbot used an old toaster oven which burnt the pizza on one half and barely heated the other half.

After eating, we practiced walking meditation before listening to the visiting monk speak of preferences. He stated he preferred the food of his native country, Vietnam. He commented that the pizza, while offered with generosity, was not very satisfying. He went on to say that although the food was not good, during meditation he felt happy, peaceful, and content. His likes/dislikes, although present, did not affect his mood or mindfulness in the slightest. Our preferences are constantly presenting or taking from us and should not be a condition for our peace if we live with wisdom, he explained. The conditions come and go. Our peace does not have to if we accept the present moment and see our likes and dislikes with an element of detachment.

When we learn to distance ourselves from our clinging to favorable conditions as a condition of our peace, we are free. May you be successful in liberating yourself from suffering.