Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I left my job about two months ago, run-down and on the brink of something drastic because of how miserable I was. It was an extremely high-stress job in finance, and I was very good at it despite the long hours and the lack of creativity it took to do the job. Quitting it was a huge risk—I had savings, but no real prospects on the other side. I just wanted some peace after a decade of work that was at once mind-numbing and incredibly taxing.

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Since I left I’ve been making ends meet with some odd jobs, but after two months the thought is starting to creep in that I made a huge mistake. Life hasn’t been as fulfilling as I dreamed it would be, and though I have time and freedom now to explore hobbies I’ve wanted to take up and complete some lingering house projects, I seem to be … still stuck, somehow.

Maybe I had too many expectations for quitting? Did I build it up too much in my head? The company I just left has an opening, and part of me wants to return. My best friends are there, but I dread every other aspect of being employed there again. At the time, I thought quitting was the best decision I ever made and I vowed never to go back. Should I listen to my nagging regrets? Try harder to make a new life for myself? Or opt for stability and doing what I know? —Wealth or Worry

Dear WOW,

Thank you for your letter. As is so often the case (sayeth the psychotherapist), it raises more questions than answers. But first, let me make an observation or two.

We are often confused by the question of, “Is it the external circumstances that are the problem here, or is it me?” Typically, it is both. In fact, part of the problem can be seeing it as strictly either/or. Some of us grew up in misattuned environments, for instance, where we were always the problem. Some people in therapy also struggle because “they”/“him”/“her” is at fault.

There are always exceptions, but most of the time an external situation—especially a stressful one—is a catalyst for some psychological or emotional conflict we are sorting through. We cannot avoid seeing everything through our own “glasses” or filters. And everyone has ongoing, unsorted conflicts; there is no normal in this regard, as each person’s psychic conflict is highly individualized.

It sounds here as if the job was undoubtedly stressful, and no one can fault you for being a “quitter” since you hung in for a decade! One of our most basic needs is precisely what you stated—peace. I can confirm that the financial industry is anything but peaceful, what with the advent of ever-faster technological tools which seem to increase impatience from management and demand on workers. It is inherently a nerve-wracking business since it involves money, which touches on widespread fears and needs for security, leading to ongoing, socio-cultural anxiety and neurosis.

So the pressure was on, and from the sound of it, you prospered. That is no small feat. Clearly, you have marketable skills and can perform under pressure, to your credit, with a solid résumé that speaks to a decade of experience in a stressful environment.

Yet, in spite of your palpable relief at leaving, something lingers: self-doubt, a creeping sense of “what if I goofed?” This, to me, is probably the most emotionally significant part of your story.

Stability is, at least in part, an inside job. I have worked with quite a few wealthy individuals in therapy who were terribly unhappy. (I am not saying being able to pay bills and rent is insignificant.) In this case, though, it sounds like you have sufficient funds for now and can “make ends meet.” So rather than focus on the externals (the job opening, the company) or looking in the rearview mirror (“did I screw up by quitting?”), I would suggest you take time for sustained, empathic self-reflection.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist, career counselor, or another professional who has experience helping folks with precisely these concerns? Something new awaits—something good, I am sensing—but it’s hard to know which door to open, or where the door can even be found. This, in turn, stokes fear.

I strongly sense there is also a sense of conflict within yourself that wants security and certainty and peace or serenity, a sense of wholeness within the kind of work that truly, in the long run, is right for you. This is a tricky balance, one that requires more work and exploring on your part, but I am sure it is possible. You might not find perfection, but I am certain you can get inside the ballpark.

Renowned psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott would call this yearning for peace as coming from your “true self,” while mythologist and Jungian author Joseph Campbell might call this process the beginning of your “hero’s journey,” or journey to authentic selfhood.

Campbell stated that the hero most often refused the “call to adventure” at first, deciding to take that journey only when backed into a corner. Carl Jung himself felt it is only when cornered, or up against a wall, that our conscious mind surrenders to deeper, creative forces seeking actualization, carrying us forward like the currents of a river.

Or, as an old Zen parable puts it, we are the train on the tracks, but we cannot be the tracks.

I sense, in other words, that you need to give the quieter “other side”—which wants peace or something different, which nagged you to quit the job—a little space and patience to speak up. (Journaling can help in this regard, or talking to a professional or a trusted friend.) There is always existential anxiety at giving up a path of certainty—the financial job, where you know you can succeed and make a good living—for the blank canvas of what next. But that is precisely the adventure! In a way, we need that anxiety to keep our search in motion. And it is trial and error; don’t give up if the answer doesn’t appear right away. It will, though answers come in bits and pieces. Dramatic “aha!” moments are, for the most part, best left for movies and television.

I’m guessing your courageous decision, which was a bold and necessary step to protect your sanity and serenity, has provoked deep-rooted voices—parental, perhaps?—that are saying things like, “Are you crazy? That job paid $_____ a year! Now what are you going to do? Watch daytime TV?”

That is the voice of fear. Fear tends to lead to black-and-white perception, where you are either secure or screwed.

But you have marketable skills, as I say. From a more neutral vantage point, I would guess you have options. By calming your fear and finding outlets for existential self-soothing, you might start to see that you could, for instance, work part-time for a company or even for yourself. And you are making ends meet, which might be good enough for now until you find something that resonates.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential.

Have you considered working for yourself? Many folks are overwhelmed and confused by money matters (my hand is raised); could you do some independent advising or work for a smaller or less daunting firm, even part-time? Sometimes companies hire people for short-term projects, via a recruiter for instance. During that time, you could explore other options: volunteering, taking informational interviews, and so forth.

Corny as it sounds, this is a prime opportunity for you to stretch your wings. Daydream a little. Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try, or even go back to school to study? Is this the time to go to grad school in the evening for your philosophy degree or take a creative writing or guitar class? There is more to life than work, and we are not defined by work alone; for many, it is the least defining point of identity.

Try browsing online job sites, A to Z, and see if anything jumps out at you, something you never even thought of. Maybe you yearn to do some socially or environmentally conscious work (as a random example); could you end up as an investment adviser for a nonprofit? Could you do some combination of corporate and nonprofit work? Do you want to chuck finance altogether and teach English in Asia or Europe, or find a finance job in an international firm and live abroad?

It is possible you could write your own job description and follow it up with persistent footwork to make it happen. It sounds like you have a rare combination of gifts: a financial talent along with integrity and a need for something more personally fulfilling. You have a soul, and it is speaking to you. The soul—or the unconscious, or true self—does not always speak in digestible sound bites, which means we need to find ways to listen deeply to that quiet inner voice which is telling us something vital.

I have worked with people in your situation, and they have prevailed by not giving up. One was an attorney at a movie studio, and he was miserable. He was on-call 24/7, and despite working on prestigious projects, he felt depleted and beat up, with no time or energy to find a partner or start a family. Eventually he decided to get training in estate law, and now runs a quiet little business with a partner, with weekdays that end at 5 p.m.

It can be overwhelming when what we are looking for hasn’t been found or doesn’t seem to exist (yet). This doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It just means you may need a little time and support to do something naturally difficult but, it sounds like, essential. I would just remind you that you have options, per the above.

It’s natural to experience awkwardness after a decade of living a certain way and then stopping. You are carving out a new way of living, day by day. Give yourself credit for doing something brave. You can always go back—to your previous job, or others like it—though I can’t help but conclude that, on a soulful level, you truly don’t want to. So, keep the search going and I am sure the answers will come.

Thanks again for writing!

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

The job-search process can be a nightmare for the already paranoid among us. Personal information is routinely mailed and blasted out to unknown parties every day; sometimes you send the information, sometimes it’s a recruiter sending the information. You never know who’s asking about you, or even who they might be asking. If you know someone who works for the employer you are targeting, what initially seemed like a connection becomes a potential liability: what if that person says something negative?

That leads to the hair-prickling question that stops all of us mid-celebratory jig in the parking lot when we hear we got an offer pending a background check: they need to check references. What will your references say?

References are a key part of most job applications. A glowing reference can be the difference between getting hired or not even getting a call back, so it’s important to think carefully about who you want answering questions about you that you can’t necessarily predict. Fortunately, many people in the professional world are flattered by requests to serve as references, and most want to be perceived as positive and helpful. Giving a bad reference detracts from that pursuit. From a purely self-serving point of view, it’s often not worth being brutally honest to a contact’s potential employer if it means diminishing one’s own image.

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Of course, it helps to line up your references—three to five is standard—and prepare them as best you can. Ideal candidates for references include:

• Former supervisors
• Former coworkers
• Business partners, clients, or customers
• Colleagues at other companies who collaborated with you in some way
• Members of professional organizations/committees you work(ed) on
• Professors (in some cases—for academic jobs, obviously, but this can work for students looking for work for the first time as well)
• Academic advisers—if you are a student looking for a job for the first time and you regularly check in with your adviser and the two of you have a good relationship

6 Tips for Developing Professional References

1. Ask first: Always ask a prospective reference if they would be willing to provide a strong recommendation for you to another employer. If you detect any hesitation, move on to someone else. Don’t take it personally. Some people just don’t feel comfortable giving references. Also, the person in question may not feel they know enough about you as a professional to provide a credible reference. Any lack of enthusiasm from a potential reference is a sign you should try someone else.
2. Avoid friends and family: Though they surely have great things to say about you, friends and family members are generally not good professional references unless they have had a direct business relationship with you. And even then, a potential employer may look at them more as a character reference than one who can objectively assess your skills. The latter type of reference tends to be more valuable than the former.
3. Be careful with current coworkers: Because of liability concerns, some employers do not allow managers, supervisors, or even employees to provide references for fellow employees. But people are often willing to look past those policies and provide a reference anyway, as long as they have developed a strong relationship with the person and know what they have to say is positive. If keeping your search confidential is a priority or you’re worried how your current employer would react to news of you looking to leave, make sure you trust any coworkers you do ask and let them know about any workplace-related concerns you have.
4. Lose the letters: If possible, avoid letters of recommendation in favor of basic contact information in the form of name, current title and employer, phone number, and professional email address. Potential employers recognize that letters of recommendation tend to be carefully crafted to project a certain image, and many recruiters prefer to talk to someone who can speak candidly and off-the-cuff about your strengths and possible weaknesses. Not providing that opportunity to a potential employer may serve as a red flag that, in a worst-case scenario, removes you from consideration.
5. Provide some coaching: It may be helpful to provide prospective references with relevant details of the job you are applying for and perhaps previous experiences you would like them to highlight (if they can). Also, if there are any duties you would rather not repeat, you might want to ask them not to play up those skills as much as others.
6. Follow up and express thanks: Some recruiters might check in with only one reference, while others contact all. Regardless of which references are contacted, be sure to thank all of them when your job search has ended. Staying in periodic contact thereafter can be a good way to nurture the relationship and show that you value it beyond merely what it can do for you. If appropriate, offer to return the favor should they ever need a reference of their own.

While requests for references can seem like a huge piece of the job-search puzzle that is outside your control, it is in fact one where you have a lot of control. You get to choose who speaks about you and, to some extent, shape the conversation in advance. With a little bit of preparation, you have the opportunity to assemble a strong panel of advocates to help you get your dream job.

When you find yourself between jobs and under pressure to find a new one as quickly as possible, depression and anxiety are real risks. Attending interview after interview and receiving rejections—or, worse, hearing nothing—can be discouraging, especially when the interviews seemed to go well, and feelings of frustration, anger, and depression can develop. Anxiety can accompany these feelings: What if I mess up this interview? What if I can’t find a job? How will I pay my bills? How will I provide for my family?

These thoughts can be debilitating. They may loop repeatedly, keeping you up at night, affecting your mood, and causing more stress. Thought patterns like these also have the potential to affect productivity and the ability to think clearly, which can have a negative impact on the job-hunting process.

To improve your outlook and ability to think clearly, deeply, and strategically during your job search, try the following tips:

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Separate Planning from Doing

When you are anxious about your career prospects, you may find yourself wanting to do something—anything—to get a job. But anxiety can narrow your thinking tremendously. You may find yourself making list after list, plan after plan, but stall before completing these tasks. Separating planning from doing can make it easier to stay productive and focused on realistic goals. Planning the steps you will take in the following days and weeks can be helpful, but carrying out the steps you’ve listed is not only likely to help you feel a sense of achievement, but may pay off in the form of a job.

Write It Down

Set aside a specific time every evening to write down how you will make the best use of the next day. Doing it in the evening is key. If you try to do this in the morning, there is a sense of urgency that compels you to just do something, and this is likely to detract from your focus rather than increase it. Actually put pen to paper so your plan can be by your bedside when you wake up and so you can cross things off when you finish them. Making a plan for the next day at night can also help you relax before bed: you’ll already know what you need to do the next day, and you can take a break from thinking about it.

Exercise Daily

Include at least an hour of exercise in your daily written schedule. Exercise can boost your mood, help relieve stress, and help you sleep. An added benefit of exercise is a change of scene: sitting at home in front of a computer or on the phone can make anyone short-sighted. Movement, fresh air, and activity can help you regain perspective.

Try Strength Training

Consider strength training in addition to daily cardiovascular exercise. Strength training does more than build muscles: it can improve self-confidence, which can be a benefit when trying to sell yourself in the job market. A gym membership isn’t necessary: push-ups, crunches, dips, squats, and calf raises are all great exercises that require no equipment. A mini-workout is also an excellent antidote for moments of paralyzing stress. For moments of extreme anxiety, try spending five or 10 minutes doing super-sets.

Don’t Isolate

An item that should be on every job hunter’s daily schedule is social contact. Social contact might be meeting a friend for lunch or even a phone conversation with a supportive family member. Many people instinctively react to hard times by isolating, but this tendency is often a factor in feelings of depression and anxiety. Resisting the urge to isolate can help combat these feelings and may prevent them from developing or becoming overwhelming.

Find Fun Things to Do That Are Free or Inexpensive

Money being tight can have an impact on your typical social activities, but don’t let that keep you stuck in the house.

Money being tight can have an impact on your typical social activities, but don’t let that keep you stuck in the house. Think of things to do that cost little or nothing, and invite someone you care about to join you. Make plans to take a walk, prepare a meal from scratch, or host a tea or coffee social. Keep an eye out for free things to do. Libraries often have daytime, weekend, and evening activities for children or adults, and many museums have free admission one day a month.

Be There for Others

Being in between jobs doesn’t mean you have nothing to offer—you are still the good friend you were when you had money. If it becomes challenging to believe this and self-doubt or self-pity become overwhelming, think of someone who might like to hear from you and give them a call or send a text. Volunteering is another way to fight isolation, and it has the added benefit of allowing you to give back to the community. Volunteering can also provide valuable networking opportunities.

Keep a Regular Sleep/Wake Schedule

Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day can help you stay productive and will also regulate your mood. Set an alarm Monday through Friday, and go to bed early enough to get a full night’s sleep so you are well-rested and ready to do your best in the morning. When you have a whole day to yourself it can seem like you have all the time in the world, but this time goes by quickly. Having a plan for each day can help you make the most of your working hours and help prevent feelings of self-recrimination at the end of the day. A regulated sleep/wake pattern may reduce the risk of depression or be part of a treatment strategy. Eating and exercising at the same time each day can help, too.

Take Time for Reflection to Solidify Learning

Taking time to reflect can increase your chances of learning from your experiences. At the end of each day, look at your list and cross off the things you’ve accomplished. Try writing down what you feel proud of accomplishing that day. Give yourself credit for the steps you took, big or small, toward re-employment and toward staying focused and healthy. Consider whether there is anything you want to do differently the next day. Did you learn any lessons or discover any changes to make? Put your energy into making these changes, not being hard on yourself for any mistakes, in order to have an even more productive day tomorrow.

References:

1. Bayer, R. (2009, February 20). Stress management – 11 tips to help you sail through your job search. Retrieved from http://www.itworld.com/article/2770626/careers/stress-management—11-tips-to-help-you-sail-through-your-job-search.html
2. Landau, E. (2012, June 15). Unemployment takes tough mental toll. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/14/health/mental-health/psychology-unemployment
3. Warrell, M. (2012, June 12). Bouncing back from job loss: The 7 habits of highly effective job hunters. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/06/12/bouncing-back-from-job-loss-the-7-habits-of-highly-effective-job-hunters/#4ee648725b15

Asking for a raise can be a daunting endeavor. Many employees refrain from inquiring about the possibility of increased compensation, even if they feel it is merited. According to U.S. News and World Report, up to 60% of workers will never ask for a raise. Of those, 47% expressed feeling uncomfortable asking or feared it would come across as pushy.

For their part, with the economy in its rebounding-but-not-quite-rebounded state, many employers are neglecting yearly salary increases that might have been standard in the past. If you’ve been working hard and haven’t seen an increase in earnings, it might serve you well to face your fear and ask for the raise you know you deserve.

Here, we offer seven pieces of advice to consider before asking for a raise:

1. Know Your Value

Before you even consider asking for a raise, you’ll need to research the market and determine your value. Find out what the average salary is for a person in your field with your experience. If you don’t know what your work is worth, then you won’t know what kind of raise to expect.

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You can use websites such as Salary.com to determine average salary rates or try Glassdoor.com, a website where employees post their earnings as well as anonymous company reviews.

Be resourceful. Check with recruiters. Research job advertisements. Do some networking and ask trusted others in your field about their salaries, if they’re willing to share.

2. Present Solid Evidence

When you approach your boss, you’ll want to come prepared and be ready to present evidence in your favor. It can be helpful to keep a written list to ensure that you don’t forget anything important. Think of asking for a raise as you would closing a sale. You need to be persuasive and convince your boss that your desired raise is warranted.

If you keep a list, include any major accomplishments you have made in the past year at your job, any additional duties you have taken on, and point out any other “gold stars” you may have earned at work recently. If you have quantifiable statistics, be sure to present those. As they say, the numbers don’t lie.

3. Timing Is Everything

Many people assume that the best time to ask for a raise is during their annual review, but some experts recommend asking a few months ahead of time. In many cases, your manager has already determined the budget and negotiated any salary raise long before he or she meets with you for your review. To make sure your annual raise has been factored into that budget, consider bringing it up a few months in advance rather than waiting for the review itself.

This should go without saying, but be considerate of the time and place when asking for a raise. It is best to wait until you have one-on-one time with your boss rather than bringing it up in the middle of a team meeting.

4. Be Confident

Present your case for a raise confidently and unemotionally. Be prepared to showcase your accomplishments to your supervisor in an assertive manner. Be straightforward.

Remember to think of it as if you were selling something—in this case yourself. Would you want to buy something from a salesperson who is unsure about his or her product?

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive.

5. Ask Mindfully

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive. It’s important to be mindful of your tone and choice of words when you ask for a raise. In most cases, this is a negotiation. Try your best to control your emotions and stay calm, cool, and collected.

In addition to being mindful of how you ask, it is important to be mindful of your employer’s ability to grant you a raise. If your employer is experiencing a decrease in sales or just went through a round of layoffs, it might not be the best time to ask for a raise.

6. Avoid Ultimatums and Guilt Trips

Practice a little extra consideration if you choose to bring up loyalty. While it may be tempting to do this, you’ll want to be careful. Don’t go straight for an ultimatum and threaten to quit, as you could be putting your job at risk.

Be thoughtful when addressing the possibility of accepting a position at another company. Do so in a manner that is subtle rather than threatening. You might consider telling your employer how much you love the job, but you feel you should be compensated better for your quality work.

Also, avoid guilt-tripping your boss. While he or she may be sympathetic that your rent just went up, it isn’t relevant to your work performance and should not be used as any kind of argument for a pay increase. Rather than providing personal reasons, focus on showcasing your value to the company.

7. Prepare for Possible Rejection

When asking for a raise, it’s best to remain rational and objective and not bring your emotions into the conversation. If you aren’t prepared to hear “no,” then you might end up saying or doing something in the heat of the moment that you could wind up regretting.

Accept the fact you might be rejected and have a plan of action in the event that it happens. It may be possible to negotiate a reasonable bonus structure instead, or perhaps negotiate a smaller raise. You might ask your boss what you can do to increase the possibility of a future raise.

There Is Help If Workplace Issues Are Affecting Your Life

Asking for a raise can be nerve-racking for even the most confident employee. But if you’re experiencing anxiety stemming from concerns about your pay or other workplace issues that interfere with your ability to carry out your duties, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in dealing with workplace problems.

We spend nearly a third of our adult lives at work, which inevitably spills over into our personal lives. If you need help sorting through feelings, experiences, or even trauma as a result of your work environment, there are people in or near your community trained to help with those issues.

References:

1. Morgan, H. (2015, January 15). How to Ask for A Raise—and Actually Get It. S. News. Retrieved from http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2015/01/14/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-actually-get-it
2. Triffin, M. (2014, May 7). How to Ask for A Raise—and Get it. Retrieved from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2014/05/07/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-get-it/

These days, stress and work often go hand in hand. Many of us can’t even imagine what our jobs would be like if they didn’t stress us out at least a little bit. In fact, a recent survey conducted for the American Institute of Stress found that more than 80% of Americans find at least one aspect of their jobs stressful.

Although many factors contributing to work-related stress are out of one’s control, there are many habits we engage in that can make our work days all the more nerve-racking. Here are nine bad habits at work that could be increasing your job stress, along with some suggestions on ways to overcome them:

1. Procrastination

Waiting until the last possible minute to do something isn’t good for anybody’s nerves. Studies show that people who procrastinate have higher stress levels, lower overall well-being, and poorer performance outcomes than those who tackle a task right away.

The best way to combat procrastination is to just get started. Even if you don’t finish what you start, getting the ball rolling helps and makes the overall project less daunting. Just do it; don’t wait. If you put everything off to the last minute, you’re certain to feel more stressed, not to mention you leave little room for revision or error.

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2. Running Late

Let’s face it: running late is stressful. When you’re already late, it seems like everything takes longer, traffic is heavier, and people move slower. If you are always running late and in a hurry, you’re constantly stressing yourself out. Who wants to start their work day feeling stressed?

Break this habit by getting started 10 or even five minutes earlier. Conceptualize how much time you think you need to get ready, and then simply add 10 minutes (or five) to it. Those extra minutes will provide the leeway you need to help remain calm on the way to work, which inevitably impacts the rest of your day.

3. Not Taking Breaks

To maintain low stress levels, take a break! Breaks are important for maintaining your mental health.

If you think skipping breaks makes you more productive, think again. It can actually have the opposite effect. Studies have shown that taking regular breaks increases both productivity and creativity. Think of the mind like you would a muscle. If you overwork your muscles, they get fatigued. The same goes for your brain. It needs rest, too.

4. Poor Planning

When you leave work at the end of each day, you should have a general outline of tasks for the next morning. If you go in each day without a plan of action, you’ll be less productive, end up wasting time, and increase your stress in the long run when you have difficulty keeping up with your workload.

Decrease your stress by coming to work prepared and acknowledging your duties first thing in the morning or whenever you arrive. One of the last things you should do each day is make a to-do list of work that needs to be done the next day. There are many tools available to help with this, such as a traditional planner or an app that will help you keep you on task (there are several).

5. Focusing on the Negative

If you’re constantly complaining about your boss, your workload, or your coworkers, you’re making your job more difficult. Complaining alone rarely solves anything; it just brings you and those around you down. In the workplace, attitude is very much contagious.

You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

Complaining in small amounts can be healthy; it allows us to vent our frustrations and acknowledge our feelings. But when you make a habit of complaining, it can start to wreak havoc on your life and affect your coworkers. To change this habit, consider spending a few moments at the end of each day (after writing your to-do list for tomorrow) thinking and writing down up to three things that were positive about your work day. Maybe you exceeded productivity, maybe you helped a customer, or maybe you helped a coworker with something he or she was struggling with. Jot it down and remove yourself from the negative thought patterns we all fall into when situations in life seem crummy.

6. Hating Your Job

Consider that you will spend almost a third of your adult life at work. If you really can’t stand your job and find yourself dreading every Monday morning, you might want to consider looking for another job or changing careers. You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

To change this habit and get your life moving in a direction that brings you greater satisfaction, consider finding a therapist or career counselor to work with. If you meet with a therapist, he or she may be able to help you discover emotional or behavioral issues that contribute to your job dissatisfaction. A career counselor may help you discover something more in line with your values, work ethic, and interests.

7. Bringing Work Home with You

Sometimes, circumstances make working at home unavoidable. When you can, however, leave your work at work.

In modern society, many of us carry our phones, laptops, or tablets with us regularly. This helps us facilitate work in different ways, but it can also take away time spent with family, relaxing, or performing other self-care activities. If you find yourself answering work calls at the dinner table, make an effort to ditch the digital leash. If you can minimize the amount of time you think about work when you aren’t at work, you’ll likely find that your work-related stress will decrease.

8. Sitting All Day

Some studies indicate that working at a desk or sitting at work all day is about as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes. Sitting for prolonged periods puts an incredible amount of pressure on the spine and increases tension within the body. This often manifests as physical stress, which releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol can be responsible for weight gain, physical health problems, and can affect your mental health as well.

The best way to break this habit is to simply get moving. Make it a point to stand for at least one hour a day or do an exercise on your break. Walk around your building, take the stairs throughout the day, or take a walk after dinner. While seated at work, you can also make sure you keep good posture and stretch regularly. Adding some activity throughout the day can also benefit your productivity.

9. Neglecting Work-Life Balance

It’s easy to get caught up in our careers and neglect other areas of our lives. If you find you’re working too much and playing too little, make the time in your life for recreation to help decrease your stress levels. If you’re able to take a vacation, consider it an investment in your health.

It is important to maintain a work-life balance. In addition to recreational activities, consider whether you are making enough time for your family or friends. If you continually focus on work and don’t take care of your other needs, you’re bound to end up feeling stressed. You need to always be practicing self-care or stress will take its toll.

If Work Stress Is Getting the Best of You, Help Is Available

Stress can be detrimental to your health. It is the root cause in many instances of mental and physical health issues, including anxiety, depression, heart disease, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, weight gain/loss, concentration issues, and memory impairment. Interestingly, many researchers also say that work is the most significant cause of stress among American adults.

Breaking the aforementioned habits can help you drastically reduce your work-related stress, but sometimes you might need to do deeper work emotionally, behaviorally, or cognitively to break a negative thought pattern or get back to a place where you can function at your best. Because of this, many therapists and mental health professionals are trained to help people cope with and overcome workplace issues. If you find that work-related stress is impacting your life in a negative way, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to increase your satisfaction and happiness at your current job, or to help you get on the path to a new, more fulfilling one.

References:

1. Jaffe, Eric. (2013). Why Wait? The Science Behind Procrastination. Association of Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/april-13/why-wait-the-science-behind-procrastination.html
2. Korkki, Phyllis. (2012, June 16). To Stay on Schedule, Take a Break. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/17/jobs/take-breaks-regularly-to-stay-on-schedule-workstation.html?_r=0
3. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2013, July 11). Chronic Stress Puts Your Health at Risk. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037?pg=1
4. Workplace Stress. The American Institute of Stress. Retrieved from http://www.stress.org/workplace-stress/

Fear can be a strong motivator. People who are afraid of living in poverty may be motivated to pursue any career option in order to avoid financial destitution. In a similar way, individuals who are afraid that they may develop specific health-related problems may work tirelessly to maintain optimal physical condition. Fear often has been linked to motivation, both positively and negatively. Until recently, however, few studies examined how fear of failure affects activity-related performance.

Jocelyn J. Bélanger of the University of Maryland sought to determine how negative feedback on specific tasks affected motivation in individuals fearful of failure (obsessive) and those who were passionate about their activity but less worried about setbacks (harmonious). In a series of experiments, Bélanger found that individuals who are passionate about achieving their goal perform differently based on their style of commitment. In particular, those with obsessive passion responded with positive motivation to negative/failure cues while those with harmonious passion saw no change in performance. In fact, the harmonious passion participants maintained the same level of performance throughout the experiments, regardless of whether they received success or failure feedback.

“Obsessive passion, associated with defensiveness, predicts performance aimed at avoiding failure, whereas harmonious passion, associated with a secure self-concept, predicts stable performance,” Bélanger said. These findings suggest that fear works as a motivator for individuals with obsessive passion. Bélanger believes that people who feel their sense of self is threatened by failure of goal attainment may unconsciously respond to that threat by increasing their performance. However, those who have harmonious passion traits are less threatened and view the feedback, positive or negative, merely as information needed to continue the process of attaining their goals. The results of this study offer valuable information that could be used for the development of goal-attainment strategies in the professional, academic, and sports arenas, and could help clinicians better understand an individual’s reaction to goal-achievement outcomes.

Reference:
Bélanger, J. J., Lafrenière, M.-A. K., Vallerand, R. J., Kruglanski, A. W. (2012). Driven by fear: The effect of success and failure information on passionate individuals’ performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029585

Psychologists are exposed to many stressors that could cause them to have a negative outlook on their careers. Dealing with long hours, extensive paperwork, and insurance companies can lead to burnout in the mental health field. Working with difficult clients and being privy to distressing information can also place psychologists at a high risk for work-related stress and job dissatisfaction. Although most of the existing research suggests that psychologists are relatively happy with their careers, Patricia A. Rupert, associate professor of psychology at Loyola University in Chicago, wanted to explore the nuances of job satisfaction among them.

Rupert assessed surveys from two groups of psychologists that were part of a larger survey. The first group of 129 psychologists reported high job satisfaction levels, while the second group, consisting of 102 psychologists, reported moderate satisfaction levels. Rupert’s goal was to analyze the factors that contributed to high satisfaction versus moderate satisfaction. She looked first at whether job satisfaction correlated with growth and income opportunities as well as working environments. Secondly, Rupert identified working hours, case load, therapeutic mode, administrative responsibilities, professional improvement strategies, and negative client interactions.

The review provided evidence that several variables contribute to career satisfaction for psychologists. Specifically, Rupert found that the majority of moderately satisfied psychologists had poor professional and personal life balances and felt little sense of control in their work environments. The most satisfied participants were those with a harmonious personal/professional structure and positive work experiences. In contrast to research that suggests high rates of burnout among mental health professionals as a result of the work stressors, this research demonstrates that there are multiple nuances that influence the overall job satisfaction of therapists and psychologists. “Our results provide encouraging evidence that, despite the many challenges providers face in this evolving health care environment, practicing psychologists, as a whole, remain very satisfied with their careers,” Rupert added.

Reference:
Rupert, P. A., Miller, A. O., Hartman, E. R. T., Bryant, F. B. (2012). Predictors of career satisfaction among practicing psychologists. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029420

“Like father, like son.”

“Like mother, like daughter.”

These sentiments are often expressed with great joy and pride. Many parents are delighted and honored when their children seek to emulate them. As children grow older and think about what they want to be when they grow up, some choose to be in the same occupation as the parent.

When children opt for the same work roles as their parents, they may have the advantage of a role model who can show them the ropes, provide connections for school or jobs, and set the stage for what it is like to be in the parent’s job. Often, sharing the same job with a parent can increase the attachment between parent and child and make the relationship closer. Sometimes, though, when parent and child have differing ideas about how the work role should be performed or conceptualized,  conflicts might undermine the relationship. Under these circumstances, it may be difficult for the parent to accept that, while their child is drawn to the parent’s work, they have their own ideas about how that work should be done.

Alan and His Father

Alan came to see me about the conflict he was experiencing working in his father’s business, a chain of sporting goods stores. At the time he sought therapy, he had been working for his father for five months. It was especially important to Alan that I understood that he felt like he was working for, not with, his father. He admitted that he was surprised how much he liked the work. It was a fun environment to work in and he could even envision himself taking over the store someday. But he was concerned that he would never be given enough authority or autonomy to  feel like he could implement his ideas. For now, he didn’t feel he could really make the business into his vision of what he wanted it to be. His father had a completely different way of thinking about the stores.

Growing up, Alan had loved going to work with his father. He would help his father stock the shelves and talk about the latest equipment. They would go over every detail of the most recent sports game they had watched together; they were both intense fans of the same teams and this helped to create a profound bond between them.

But as Alan and I talked, some of the underlying issues connected to his conflict about continuing to work for his father began to emerge. Alan began to realize how difficult it was for him to let his father know that he wanted something that was different from what his father wished for. He recalled that, growing up, he didn’t like to get into arguments with his father, so he either just went along or never voiced his own wishes if he thought they would result in conflict.

He remembered how, on the rare occasions that he had tried to assert his own desires against his father’s ideas, his father had become very cold toward him. In middle school he became interested in hard rock music and wanted to learn to play the guitar. His father derided the music as having no value and refused to buy the instrument or pay for lessons. It wasn’t until Alan stopped expressing his wish to learn to play the music that his father resumed his friendly, jovial relationship with him.

After high school graduation, Alan went to an out-of-state college to study business administration. His parents were very supportive and paid his tuition and board. Overall, Alan described his home life as satisfying. Toward the end of Alan’s college, his father began to ask him about his future plans. Although one of Alan’s professors was encouraging him to apply to a company he had some connections with, Alan’s dad began to push his idea that Alan could put his business skills to good use in the sporting goods business. He invited Alan to come and work for him.

Alan’s first thought was, “How am I going to be able to tell him that I don’t want to do this?” Feeling anxious, Alan told his father he would think about it. But his father kept trying to convince him, and Alan began to waiver. Feeling pressured and worried about his relationship with his father, Alan’s agreed to give the sporting goods business a try for a year and then decide if he wanted to stay on or get into the corporate world.

Alan Learns to Assert His Ideas

I asked Alan when the last time was that he and his father had a disagreement, other than this recent conflict about his work. Alan told me that he couldn’t think of one. After their differences about music, Alan didn’t engage his father when they were in disagreement, so Alan’s father didn’t know that Alan had different points of view. Now, Alan believed his father thought that everything was okay and assumed that Alan would stay on in the business even though the agreement was to see what happened after one year.

When Alan realized that it had been a very long time since he tried to assert his own desires against his father’s wishes, he wondered if it was worth a try to speak with his father and address his concerns about his role in the business. He was anxious about how his father would respond to his need to have more authority and to be a partner, not an employee. He worried that if he brought it up, his father would become cold and rejecting as he had in the past. In spite of his worry, Alan decided to risk his father’s reaction. He hoped that if he could convey how much he shared his father’s love for the store, perhaps their differing ideas about the business would be more acceptable.

All Alan wanted was for his father to be able to listen and take his thoughts seriously. He told me, “I have to remember that I’m not eleven years old anymore. If my father gets cold and rejecting, I don’t have to give up what I want to please him. I know that he still loves me. I have to remind myself that I am not doing anything bad to him by being different.”

Self-Assertion is Not an Attack

Alan’s realization captures what a child needs to come to understand about their self-assertion: it is not bad to assert one’s unique, separate self to a parent. While a parent may feel hurt or disrespected, those are feelings, not facts. The child’s challenge is to tolerate the parent’s feeling by being respectful, understanding, and empathic. The child should recognize, “I understand that my parent feels like my differing ideas are an attack on him, but I know that is not how I feel. They are just my ideas.”

Some parents can find it in themselves to understand that their child’s difference from them is not a statement that there is something wrong with the parent. Rather, the child has developed into a separate person who may disagree with the parent. Hopefully, they can both respect the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Unfortunately, there are some parents who find it impossible to consider a child’s individuated, separate self as anything but an attack on their own way of seeing the world. In such cases, there may be nothing a child can do but understand that this is just how the parent feels, and that they can’t take responsibility for the parent’s wounded feelings.

Alan did speak with his father. After much discussion, he was able to help his father understand how he felt when his father treated him like an employee. He began to understand Alan’s wish to work with him, not for him. Alan and his father continue to talk about their work relationship and Alan is much less afraid to speak his mind. He is much happier at work and with himself. It is a work in progress.

Unemployment is a downright monster. Most often, we see a lot of support for the unemployed person who is building his or her resume, interviewing, networking, staying busy, and being positive. I certainly hope and pray that our economy improves soon and each unemployed person finds work that is fulfilling in both meaning and income.

But how about support for the partners of unemployed people?

Ms. Y (not her real name) came in the other day and said, “My husband has been unemployed for over two years. Over two years. Over—two—years! I say it, dumbfounded, because at some point every day, I realize that I can’t believe how long it’s been. First it was an industry crisis. Then came his depression. Then there was his second wind, his revival. Then the revival turned into stagnation again. There were a number of short-term freelance gigs. There were rejections, interviews, and even jobs-in-hand that folded at the last minute  thanks to the tanking economy.

“During every rise and fall of this god-forsaken unemployment phase, I have been there to support my partner every step of the way. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being the sole breadwinner. I’m especially tired of all those people who tell me what they think about my husband’s lack-of-work situation. During these years, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been at some function where after a few drinks someone said to me, ‘I feel so bad for your partner. Your partner really needs support. Be patient, be supportive.’

“I think to myself, ‘Me, be patient? Me, be supportive? When haven’t I been?!’ I want to jump out of my skin and slap that person silly. Instead, I stuff my pride, and in my most polite tone, I tell the preacher-man to stick it. I want to hear what they have to say after they’ve supported their unemployed partner for over two years. I doubt it’ll be the same thing, I swear. Jerk.”

My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. It is tough to be unemployed, but it is equally tough to be the partner watching and supporting the unemployed person. It is a terribly helpless position. Some have become involuntary breadwinners, straining to care for everyone and everything with one lone paycheck. All are forced to be passengers on the emotional roller coaster ride of a loved one’s bout with unemployment.

Some are the only people their unemployed partners will talk to about their suffering. Often, their emotional needs involuntarily get thrown aside because of the attitude that “unemployment isn’t happening to you, it’s happening to the unemployed.” Both the unemployed and partners of unemployed vacillate on the spectrum between the hope for the day of the “Great News” (“I start a new, real job on Monday and can help pay the bills now!”) and fear that their savings will be sucked dry and they’ll be forced to live in a shelter—or worse, their parents’ house.

I say unto you, dear partners: It is time.

Partners, it is indeed time to take care of you. You deserve it. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed person’s side despite the mental, physical, and spiritual turmoil that unemployment puts everyone through. So first of all, do yourself a favor and give yourself—your mind, body, and soul—a break.

How can you possibly give yourself a break at a time like this? Well, if you don’t, you’re going to keel over, for one. The truth of the matter is that unemployment is not what defines you or your partner completely. In other words, each of you is a complex, multifaceted human being who remains healthy as long as your mental, physical, spiritual, and relationship states are receiving attention. At this moment, unemployment is taking a toll on these four realms; however, the trick to lessening unemployment’s severe control is self-care.

Self-care means honoring the other facets of your personality and life, thereby diminishing the attention given to the unemployment monster. Take a look at the following short lists of self-care ideas that honor these other parts of who you are. You’ll find that many ideas can cross multiple realms:

Mental: Attend individual and/or group therapy. Meditate, listen to music, take a vacation alone or with a friend or partner, spend time with loved ones, take a class, or escape through watching movies or reading.

Spiritual: Pray alone or with others. Choose to be silent, join a group on a spiritual practice that you enjoy, light a candle and reflect, journal your thoughts and feelings, or attend spiritual events and retreats.

Physical: Get a massage, exercise, go for a walk, take a hot bath, get regular sleep, dance, play sports, do yoga, paint, draw, sing, arrange flowers, color mandalas, play music, use relaxation techniques, or cook.

Relationship: Attend couples counseling. Create creative dates, like cooking from scratch together; do an activity together on a regular basis, like volunteering; take a week-long vacation from talking and thinking about unemployment; have sex.

Try any or all of these ideas, and keep adding to these lists. Find what works for you. You’ll see that given enough respite, you will have more energy to carry on your daily tasks until the “Great News” arrives. No one will be able to do this for you. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everyone and everything else. So, dear partners, be good to yourself and feed your mind, body, and soul. It is long overdue.