Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I cheated on my girlfriend. Yes, I’m a cheater and I’ll never live it down. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve her, period! I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I’m on the verge of losing the only person in this world that I can’t live without.

The backstory is that I got too close to a coworker and let my worst instincts get the best of me. We were together 10 or 12 times and I kept rationalizing it somehow in my head. Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing, but I selfishly wanted “strange” sex before the prospect of no longer having it disappeared forever. There was also a time when my girlfriend made out with a guy in a bar. I know that’s not on the same level as what I did—not even close. I just think it was part of my stupid rationalization. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

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I ended things with the other girl the same day I was caught, but obviously my girlfriend doesn’t trust me now. I don’t really blame her. She says she doesn’t think she can ever trust me again. I have offered to give her all my passwords and go to counseling, whatever it takes, but she says she’s not sure it would matter. Knowing I broke her heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to know.

She is taking some time to think about things, and she doesn’t want me to call or text her until she figures out what she wants to do. I am giving her the space she asked for. I am just hoping that when we talk again I can reassure her that I can be trusted. I want to make things right. I know I would never make a mistake like that again, but fixing her trust issues feels impossible. Help! I’ll do anything. —Astray

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Dear Astray,

Thank you for writing. I’m not here to judge. Besides, judgment befogs understanding.

I feel your remorse. This does not mean I want to downplay the harm your behavior has caused to all three parties, including yourself and, presumably, your coworker. Sometimes such actions are indicative of a deeper issue that is not resolved by altering the offending behavior.

I urge you to focus on yourself during this “trial” time needed by your girlfriend. (I would take it as a good sign, by the way, she did not end it outright. The two of you must have built a strong connection prior to your affair.)

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this. You might consider couples counseling—or, if she is not willing, individual counseling in the name of compassionate but unyielding self-reflection. Here is an opportunity for a reckoning that could greatly benefit you and your relationship, assuming it survives. Even if it doesn’t, it would benefit your next one.

There is a stark up/down contrast in your descriptions of your girlfriend versus sex with your coworker, which might reflect a good/bad way of perceiving yourself. To hear you tell it, your girlfriend sounds almost unassailably perfect or wholesome (“up”), while your desire for sex with the coworker is “strange” or almost seedy-sounding (“down”). This is a bit of a catch-22 in that you appear to judge something that also remains desirable, that you have misgivings about letting go of “forever.”

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this.

You might be surprised at the relatively simple human desires that become camouflaged in sexuality, which itself becomes a way of attaching to a desired other. Perhaps sex with your coworker was a way of soothing whichever vulnerable part of you felt “less than.” Perhaps sharing your vulnerability with your girlfriend felt too risky. (This is all speculation, mind you. I’m just reflecting on examples I have come across over the years.)

You also describe yourself as the lowest of the low, which indicates a struggle for self-esteem or perhaps some self-loathing that was likely present (perhaps unconsciously) before all this started. The behavior confirms what lies dormant. It is as if some part of you were saying, “Go ahead and mess around with your coworker. You don’t deserve your girlfriend anyway. You’re only going to lose her once she discovers the ‘real you,’ so why not?” I imagine this all fed into your rationalizing.

Or, quite possibly, there was a rebellion against feeling less than (“no woman will tell me what I can or can’t do!”)—an assertion of sorts of your freedom before giving up something “forever.” Maybe there was a combination of these two (or more) threads running through this sexual detour.

As for “fixing” your girlfriend’s trust issues, decisive action on your part would go a long way toward showing her you mean business: a genuine effort to understand not just that your behavior was painful, but that something else was “off”—and owning it, examining it, and working on it. Nothing is more courageous than facing one’s own psychological struggles. It never ceases to amaze me how many are simply too afraid or unwilling to do this. Many would rather just “change the channel” or “swipe left” and forget it.

Showing her that you want to use this crisis as an opportunity to better understand yourself, which can only broaden your relational and sexual options in the long run, might show her you intend to grow from this. You might even start to see her as an equal, as opposed to her holding a standard you can never reach (which might create unconscious stress, resentment, self-criticism, and so on).

The worst thing you can do is try to shove all this back in the closet and quickly move on. Doing so practically ensures it will happen again in some other form. I can assure you there is nothing innately “bad” about what is behind this. You may discover, with help and diligence, that what lies behind it all is something stunningly human.

In the meantime, be patient and accepting of what your girlfriend needs. Talk is indeed cheap. Show her you will do what it takes to make this right. If you’re going to earn back her trust, it will start with respecting her needs during this difficult time. If you use the space to work on yourself, you will be better prepared to provide what she needs in the future.

Best wishes,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

The discovery or revelation of infidelity is one of the most difficult events a relationship can experience. In many couples, there is a sudden upheaval of emotion that threatens to swallow both partners whole. If you have ever searched the internet for answers, you may have found a great deal of support for the partner who experienced the betrayal; for the “wayward” partner, not so much. Being a partner who was unfaithful, yet wishes to reconcile, can be very lonely. This article aims to offer some help with navigating the choppy waters of trying to heal your relationship after your affair.

Your Decision

Before beginning the process of healing your relationship, seriously consider if you want to salvage it. Many wayward partners struggle with the idea of returning to the relationship the way it was before. Some partners are unfaithful because their primary partnership is failing. The idea of returning to that experience may seem almost too painful to bear. Infidelity recovery is a difficult process, so the decision to attempt reconciliation cannot be taken lightly. Before offering reconciliation to your partner, you must decide if that is what you truly want.

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In most cases, reconciliation requires that you end any contact with your affair partner(s). This may challenge you to formally end the affair, endure the potential embarrassment, and grieve the loss. This is typically necessary to demonstrate your good-faith effort to rebuild. If you are not ready to end your auxiliary relationship(s) (no matter how trivial this may seem), recovery may not be a viable path for your current relationship. To recover from infidelity requires that you decide to do what it takes to rebuild.

Your “Why”

Many wayward partners are relieved when affairs are discovered because they are no longer in bondage to their secrets. After discovery, the wayward partner may be eager to discuss what was wrong in the relationship that caused them to stray. This conversation is necessary for healing, but immediately after discovery/revelation may not be the best time for it. The betrayed partner is likely reeling from the knowledge and trying to make sense of a new reality. They may be so consumed with wanting to know all the facts about the infidelity that they may not be able to truly hear “why.” Even if they ask, they may not be able to comprehend the answer in a way that brings them healing.

Allowing the injured partner to set the pace of the recovery process is crucial to its success. Know that your honesty in answering the seemingly never-ending questions will allow your partner to eventually come to the “why” of the affair story. In the meantime, self-reflection may help a wayward partner to heal. Exploring how you found yourself in this situation and what needs you were attempting to meet will be key in the process … later. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or individual therapy can allow you the safe space you need to find answers to the deeper questions without causing more damage to your hurting partner right now.

Weathering the Storms

As a wayward partner, the agony of discovery/revelation may seem too expansive to contain. Some partners who have been unfaithful experience depressive symptoms as they find themselves thrust from the safety of their secret. Wayward partners may find themselves consumed with extremely low thoughts of self, only to have their injured partner echo those thoughts. The combination of guilt, shame, hurt, and betrayal seems to be a perfect storm.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend.

It may not seem like it, but the storm cannot rage on forever. Some days you may find the sting of betrayal is not as powerful as it was in the beginning. Wayward partners who learn the skill of finding the hurt under the rage may be better positioned to calm the storms in themselves and their partners. In my practice, couples learn that even the most injured partners are looking for the wayward partner to understand the hurt the infidelity has caused. We learn that if pain is acknowledged and empathy is given, the anger can usually subside over time.

Recovering from infidelity is not a linear process. Some days a couple may see glimpses of where they want their relationship to be, only to find they feel like they have gone back to step one the next day. Effective recovery is an upward trend. Through the good days and bad days, the couple may find the lows are not as low as when they began and the highs are more frequent. Understanding the process and being focused on the goal of reconciliation can help a couple cope when emotions are running high.

Lower Your Defenses

One of the most important lessons for a wayward partner is to learn to avoid being defensive. Defensiveness can take many forms. Avoiding or dismissing the severity of the infidelity are only a few ways you can be seen as defensive. Blaming your partner for your infidelity is also defensive and may be detrimental to your partner’s healing. Being defensive also destroys the injured partner’s safety. A wayward partner who consistently takes responsibility for their actions may help their partner to heal faster. When they attack out of hurt, an injured partner wants to believe there is remorse. To show remorse and empathy allows the hurt partner to get what they need in order to heal.

Defending against attack is a natural human response. You may find it useful to think of a partner’s anger as an attack on the distress they are experiencing. Hurt partners may scream, cry, or seem cold in an attempt to rid themselves of pain. Be careful to notice if your relationship is becoming abusive; if so, get help immediately. If your partner is not abusive, to defend against the attack may mean the injured partner is left with this pain. Taking the burden of this suffering may be the act of love that the hurt partner needs in the wake of discovery/revelation. This can help to reestablish trust when you are determined to make amends for the hurt.

Conclusion

Relationships can heal from infidelity. The process is not without its challenges, but it is possible. A couple typically does best when they are determined to work through the pain to get to the healing on the other side. If you are considering reconciliation, you must first decide that rebuilding is your true goal if you want to be successful. Both partners will need to find healing in the pain of an affair, perhaps at different times. Allowing an injured partner to guide the recovery process is important for their healing. If you are able to weather the storms that come without being defensive, you may be more likely to succeed in the recovery process.

Infidelity does not have to mean the demise of your partnership. If you are willing to work through this challenge, perhaps with a nonjudgmental therapist guiding the process, your love for one another can emerge stronger than before.