As children, talking with our parents about sex (or more like them talking at us) was probably super awkward, if it happened at all. Maybe you remember an adult fumbling through funny phrases, handing you something to read, or blurting out “wait until you’re older!” They meant well, but the whole interaction was not helpful, which is why so many parents today want to do it differently.

The traditional sex talk with kids is a myth that needs debunking. Research shows that one awkward conversation isn’t enough to prepare children for the complex world of relationships, bodies, and sexuality they’ll navigate throughout their lives.

Parenting has changed from the do-as-I-say days that most of us grew up with. Now, kids and adolescents are exposed to more sexualization in the media, have more unfettered access to sexual information, and receive less sex education in schools. Did you know some schools do not even require medically accurate sex education? That is a terrifying combination, but there is some good news.

For all of these reasons, the traditional sex talk with kids needs a serious makeover. Instead of one uncomfortable conversation, parents need to embrace ongoing dialogue that evolves with their child’s development.

Sex Education Used to Be About Checking a Box

This important topic can feel super uncomfortable, which is why so many parents want the relief that comes from “getting it over with.” However, breaking the conversation into smaller parts is actually better for parents and kids. Spreading conversations across different stages of a child’s development helps:

Initiating conversations about sex and incorporating those conversations into the relationship you have with your child puts you in the driver’s seat. You become their go-to person. It also increases the trust they have for you and creates a safety net around them.

Shifting the focus away from the physical act of sex and more toward human development plus healthy relationships can make the whole concept of “the talk” more appealing. Not that parents will look forward to it all of a sudden, but they will likely feel more prepared.

That moment of readiness parents long for is more like a soft whisper than a bull horn at the start of a race. It is not so much about being 100% ready; it is more like being ready-ish.

Meet Kid Curiosity With Conversations… Plural

Kids are naturally curious. If their initial questions are met with awkward silence, stumbling over words, or a quick topic switch, they get the message that certain topics are off limits.

Even a developmentally appropriate, very innocent search could have long-lasting consequences. According to the 2025 Common Sense Census, children ages 0-8 spend an average of 2.5 hours per day on screens. That number jumps to 7.5 hours each day for school-age kids. Meanwhile, 90% of kids ages 12-18 have been exposed to online pornography.

Although porn exposure is usually accidental, kids cannot unsee it once it happens, and their developing brains are not mature enough to fully understand what they saw. That is where you come in.

When parents talk with their children early and often about sexually-related topics, their kids are more likely to delay sexual activity, have fewer partners, and make safer choices.

This is not about one big conversation but many small conversations. The need to step into these conversations sooner rather than later is important because your involvement makes a difference.

“Even if you do not feel fully prepared, even if your kid rolls their eyes, even if you wish you started years ago, it is never too late to begin having ongoing conversations about sex with kids.”

How to Start the Sex Talk with Kids: Begin Right Where You Are

If your child is between preschool and high school, chances are they already began picking up messages about sex, directly and indirectly. Beginning these conversations now means you are choosing to be a steady voice in their over-sexualized world.

Remember: you do not have to tackle everything all at once. A few short, honest conversations over time are more effective (and less intimidating) than a one-time, high-pressure talk.

4 Quick-Start Tips for Sex Talk with Kids

Common Parent Concerns About the Sex Talk with Kids

If you are unsure what to say without saying too much, that’s super common.
If you simply want to get it right, you are in good company.
If you worry about freezing when your kid asks a question you did not expect, you are not alone.

So many parents want the exact same things and have the same concerns. The good news? It is absolutely possible to make your relationship with your child a safe space where they can ask sex-related questions and get honest answers without discomfort for either of you.

The Bottom Line on Sex Talk with Kids

The myth of “the sex talk” has done more harm than good for generations. By embracing ongoing, age-appropriate conversations about sex, bodies, relationships, and boundaries, you give your child the gift of informed decision-making and emotional security.

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present, honest, and willing to keep the conversation going. Your involvement matters more than you might think, and it’s never too late to start building this foundation of trust and openness with your child.

Giving children choices, even when they have to do something, can empower them and reduce resistance. This approach fosters independence and decision-making skills while maintaining the necessary structure. Here’s how you can effectively offer choices to your child: 

1. Offer Limited Choices

Provide options that are acceptable to you, ensuring that either choice meets the desired outcome. For example, if a child needs to clean up toys, you might say, “Would you like to start with the blocks or the cars?” This approach gives them a sense of control within set boundaries. 

2. Be Clear About Non-Negotiables

Start by clarifying what is non-negotiable, then present choices within that framework. For example, “We need to leave for school in 10 minutes. Would you like to put on your shoes now or in five minutes?” This communicates that leaving is not optional, but how they prepare can be their decision. 

3. Use Positive Framing

Frame choices positively encourage cooperation. Instead of focusing on what they cannot do, highlight the options they can choose from. For instance, instead of saying, “You can’t play until your homework is done,” try, “Would you prefer to do your homework before or after a snack?” 

4. Respect Their Preferences

When possible, respect your child’s preferences to show that their opinions matter. This can build trust and make them more willing to comply with necessary tasks. If they choose an option, follow through with it to reinforce that their choice is valued. 

5. Keep Choices Age-Appropriate

Tailor the choices to your child’s age and developmental stage. Younger children might handle simpler options, like choosing between two shirts, while older children can manage more complex decisions, such as planning their weekend activities within set parameters. 

6. Encourage Responsibility and Consequences

Explain the consequences of their choices to help them understand responsibility. For example, “If you choose to play before doing homework, you might have less time to play later.” This helps them learn to weigh options and outcomes. 

7. Remain Consistent and Follow Through

Consistency is key in reinforcing the value of choices. If you offer choices, be prepared to honor them, unless a safety or ethical issue arises. This consistency builds trust and teaches them that their choices have real consequences. 

8. Encourage Problem-Solving

Involve your child in problem-solving when they resist both options. Ask, “Is there another way we can solve this problem?” This encourages creative thinking and reinforces that while some things are necessary, there might be flexibility in how they are approached. 

9. Provide Praise and Positive Reinforcement

Acknowledge and praise your child when they make a good choice. Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue making thoughtful decisions in the future. 

10. Use Choices as a Teaching Tool

Use these moments as opportunities to teach about decision-making, consequences, and personal responsibility. Discuss why certain choices are better in specific situations to help them develop critical thinking skills. 

By offering choices within a structured environment, you give your child a sense of autonomy and control, which can reduce power struggles and enhance their cooperation. This approach helps children feel respected and valued, laying a foundation for healthy decision-making skills. 

 

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

To gather information about the parent-child relationship, I often ask parents, “If you could wish for one thing for your child, what would that wish be?” I might also ask,“What do you want for your child as they transition into adulthood?”

Exploring a parent’s wishes for their child can help increase understanding of the parent-child relationship. This is important whether you are working with parents in a school setting or in private work.

Generally, the responses I hear do not vary all that much. Parents say they want their child to be “happy” and experience “success.” When I push parents to define what these things look like, things can get interesting. Through a parent’s definition of “happiness” and “success,” I often learn more about their family values, approaches to parenting, and the pressures a child may be experiencing.

Parents often ask me if they answered “correctly” or how I would answer the same question. I share my own greatest goal for children: That, as they transition into adulthood, they possess the skills to be empathetic and independent adults. [fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

How can we help children become independent adults? An essential step toward accomplishing this goal is educating parents about the self-determination theory and autonomy-supportive parenting.

The Self-Determination Theory

The self-determination theory explains the three basic psychological needs people need to fulfill:

1. Autonomy, or the need to feel free to choose their own behavior
2. Competence, or the need to feel capable of effectively interacting with their environment
3. Relatedness, or the need to feel close to and meaningfully connected to others

It’s important for these needs to be supported by a child’s environment in order for them to emotionally evolve and develop in a healthy way. A positive family environment can promote and support a child’s basic psychological needs. On the other hand, a negative family environment can hamper healthy psychological development (Deci and Ryan, 2000).

Autonomy-Supportive Parenting

How can we help children become independent adults? An essential step toward accomplishing this goal is educating parents about the self-determination theory and autonomy-supportive parenting.

Parents can practice autonomy-supportive parenting by creating an environment that supports autonomy. Parents who support the development of autonomy are involved in their child’s life but encourage independence and problem-solving skills. It’s important for parents to give children both age-appropriate autonomy and agency. By doing so, they help them develop at an appropriate level. This can have the effect of greater emotional well-being.

When children are autonomous, they are more likely to feel capable of making their own healthy choices. By supporting children in the development of autonomy and agency, parents also help children learn about family values, social norms, and essential rules.

Parents can support the development of autonomy by:

• Providing a rationale and explanation for family rules and behavior expectations. When children and adolescents understand reasons for rules and the context behind them, they have an easier time supporting and following those rules.
• Labeling and validating a child’s feelings and perspectives. Validating feelings is an essential component of mental health and growth. By normalizing emotions, parents can help them understand that everyone has challenging moments. This also helps children learn that strong feelings are nothing to be ashamed of.
• Minimizing judgement and control. Many parents may try to control their kids. Psychologist Dr. Ross Greene recommends parents try to influence children instead. Parents who attempt to control children can become dependent on power-oriented strategies. By adopting a more collaborative parenting style, as Greene suggests, parents make room for children to develop greater autonomy. This in turn helps children develop the skills necessary to become independent adults.
• Allowing children to make choices. By providing age-appropriate opportunities for children to make independent choices and decisions, parents are giving them a healthy sense of agency and control.
• Supporting growth and new challenges by scaffolding and practicing new skills with children. In construction, scaffolding helps supply extra support to the building being erected. When the building is finished, the scaffolding is removed, and the structure is able to stand independently. Parents who use scaffolding education offer children similar support. Scaffolding skills incorporate information and skills children already have. This approach helps foster greater autonomy and independence.
• Letting children solve problems on their own. Parents often feel as if they should swoop in and rescue their child when they encounter a challenge. But when problems arise, it’s often better to brainstorm together and list possible solutions to the challenge at hand. Offer guidance when needed but encourage youngsters to problem-solve independently.
• Letting children struggle (safely). Every child encounters failure at some point. Trying and making mistakes or failing is part of growth. If children do not develop healthy coping mechanisms around failure, they are more vulnerable to anxiety. It is essential for parents to model that failure and making mistakes are essential parts of the learning process. By letting children learn from their mistakes, we are giving them an important opportunity to develop resilience, grit, confidence, and coping skills.

If you want to learn more about how you can help your children develop autonomy, please reach out. A counselor trained in child and family counseling can offer support and guidance. [amazon_affiliate]

References:

1. Deci, E. L., & Ryan R. M. (2000). The ‘what’ and ‘why’ of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
2. Greene, R. W. (2017, August 15). Raising human beings: Creating a collaborative partnership with your child. New York, NY: Scribner.

I am a therapist. But I am also a mother of three young children. And as I navigate the challenging yet rewarding years of parenthood, I am thankful for my psychology background and training.

It takes a lot of strength to raise a household of young children. It may take even more strength to do so while remaining positive, affirming our children, and communicating in a loving manner. Understanding children from a developmental lens can help immensely.

Erikson’s Stages of Development

One thing I continue to rely on is Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development. This tool has been extremely helpful as my children progress through the toddler years. One of them is three years old, or, as some of my fellow parents put it, a “threenager.”

Erikson terms this stage of development as autonomy vs. shame and doubt. During this phase, a toddler’s developmental task is to become independent from their parents. As they seek to understand their identity, toddlers make their needs and desires clear. It can often feel like every choice they make is a new battle. My “threenager” has opinions about her clothes, her shoes, and the way she wants to wear her hair. I think I am helping her out by doing small things for her. But I am often met with resistance and the response, “No, Mommy, I want to do it myself.” [fat_widget_right]

Erikson held that when these attempts to express themselves are met with encouragement, toddlers will develop a sense of autonomy and independence. If these attempts are met with resistance or punishment, on the other hand, the toddler will develop a sense of shame and doubt and carry it into adulthood. (The term “threenager” is fitting because this stage closely resembles the teenage years, where the developmental task also involves creating an identity separate from a teenager’s parents.)

The Developing Brain

It has also been helpful for me to understand not only what developmental changes are happening, but also what is going on in terms of brain development.

The ability to integrate right-brain emotional experiences with left-brain logic and understanding is key to a healthy brain. How can we help our young children begin this process? 

According to Siegel and Bryson, parents must learn to understand how their child’s brain works. This knowledge is useful because it can help us parent more effectively. One of the most important concepts to understand is left to right brain integration. Siegel and Bryson explain that a healthy brain is an “integrated brain.” This means the healthy brain uses left and right brain hemispheres to understand, make meaning, and organize experiences. The integration process takes a lifetime to perfect. But we can help our children begin this process early in life.

We first need to understand the difference between the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

The left hemisphere of the brain:

• Creates order
• Helps us understand things logically
• Describes cause and effect relationships.

The right hemisphere of the brain:

• Is holistic
• Is emotional
• Stores and retrieves autobiographical memories

The ability to integrate right-brain emotional experiences with left-brain logic and understanding is key to a healthy brain. How can we help our young children begin this process?

Consider a toddler who has become overwhelmed by emotions. Toddlers can easily become emotionally flooded.  When emotions overwhelm them, they might throw a tantrum, yell, or cry uncontrollably. This happens because their brains are right-brain dominant. In other words, they are not driven by logic, responsibilities, and time. This makes sense from a development perspective. The left-brain hemispheres do not start to kick in until a child is around four years old.

So how can we effectively handle this situation? First, we need to remember not to dismiss or deny their feelings. Avoid saying things like:

• “It’s not that bad.”
• “You’re fine.”
• “You need to be more careful.”

Instead, acknowledge what your child might be feeling. Help them tell a story about what happened. You might say something like, “Wow, that looked like it hurt. You were running, and then you fell and scraped your knee.”

Some time later, when you are connecting with your child and they are not emotionally flooded, help them understand the lesson in the story. You can even do this on a different day. You might say, “Remember when you fell and scraped your knee on the asphalt at school? Maybe you should slow down on the asphalt at school.”

Helpful Tools for Parents of Toddlers

Parenting toddlers may be extremely difficult at times. But there are many tools that can help. A recent study from the Department of Psychology at Arizona State University surveyed over 2000 mothers to help understand factors that contribute to overall well-being. Of those surveyed, 46% had a graduate degree, 37% had a college degree, and the remaining 16% had a high school education.

The mothers were asked about satisfaction with parenting, parenting guilt, and parenting role overload. The survey also assessed for maternal adjustment with questions related to emptiness, fulfillment, life satisfaction, and perceptions of their child.

Some results indicated that three areas were consistently linked with maternal depression:

• Role overload, or feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities
• Maternal guilt, or feeling as if they weren’t doing enough for their children
• Child negative behaviors, or observing their child is distant, rude, or disrespectful to them.

However, the following four areas of personal support helped provide a buffer against maternal depression:

• Unconditional acceptance
• Feeling comforted when needed
• Authenticity in relationships
• Friendship satisfaction

Even when mothers scored high in the three areas linked to maternal depression, when they also scored high in the buffer areas, they were more likely to score high on parenting satisfaction scale.

How can mothers (or any parent) apply these findings to their own experiences in parenting? The old saying “it takes a village” rings true here. If you are a parent, attempt to create a supportive culture of other parents who:

1. Are honest about the highs and lows of parenting
2. Support each other even when they are not “perfect parents”
3. Provide comfort when you feel overwhelmed with responsibilities

Some aspects of parenting toddlers can be a real challenge. Research supports that. Finding strength and support from other parents who are experiencing the same difficulties (and who are also honest about their struggles) is a key element in parental satisfaction. If you are currently struggling, consider seeking help. A compassionate, qualified counselor can offer support and help you explore strategies for parenting satisfaction and success.

References:

1. Crain, W. (2005, August 12). Theories of development: Concepts and applications (5th ed.). Upper Saddle River, New Jersey: Prentice Hall
2. Luther, S. S. & Ciciolla, L. (2015). Who mothers mommy? Factors that contribute to mothers’ well-being. Developmental Psychology, 51(12). 1812-1823.
3. Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.