by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

This topic likely comes as a surprise to many. Just the idea of abuse of this nature, between a mother and her son, is shocking to most. The idea of mother-son incest is so far out of the realm of what we as a culture understand about mothers and women that even its victims rarely seek help.

As a society, our views of mothers as nurturers who would never willingly hurt their children may be so ingrained in our psyche that even trained psychologists can be uncomfortable entertaining the idea that sexual abuse can happen between a mother and her son (Osborne, 2015).

Why the Silence?

Incest (sexual relationships between family members) is taboo and can bring a strong sense of guilt and shame to its victims (Kluft, 2011). While the idea that fathers sexually abuse their children is disturbing, it is accepted as something that can (and does) happen. It is well documented and studied.

Although the idea that some fathers can be sexual predators towards their own family is accepted, the parallel idea, that mothers can be sexual predators towards their own children, has not been widely accepted. We live in a culture that tends to idolize motherhood. Mothers sacrifice so much to give us everything we need. In our society, speaking against a mother is almost sacrilegious. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.

Reporting incest and seeking professional help may be both shameful and difficult in any situation, but it can be even more difficult in the case of a mother. Often, the reaction will be complete rejection or disbelief. Unfortunately, the perception of a male monopoly on perpetrating incest has led to the creation of damaging myths that silence the male victim.

Males and Sexual Abuse: The Myths

Researcher Lucetta Thomas has identified persistent and damaging myths in regard to male sexual victimization. These myths not only exist in the minds of boys and men who themselves are victims—they are also prevalent in the attitudes and perception of social workers, law enforcement, and even psychologists or counselors (Friedersdorf, 2016). Myths around males and sexual abuse include the following:

• Boys and men can’t be sexually victimized; they must have consented.
• Mothers do not do this; she must have been overly affectionate.
• If the boy experiences sexual arousal or pleasure during the abuse, he enjoyed it, and it was not abuse, because he participated.
• Boys are less traumatized by sexual abuse than girls, and this is because boys are more sex-focused in general.
• The mother or son must have mental health issues.

Prevalence and Long-Term Outcomes of Mother-Son Abuse

Due to the refusal of boys and men to seek help or press charges against mothers who abuse them, it is nearly impossible to determine the prevalence of sexual abuse committed by mothers. However, a few studies offer surprising results and indicate the problem is more widespread than most people would assume.

For example, one study that conducted in-depth interviews of seven men and seven women who reported sexual abuse by a female perpetrator, most of whom experienced severe sexual abuse by their mothers, found a range of long-term damaging effects. Victims reported and/or experienced depression, difficulties with substance abuse, self-injury, increased suicide rate, rage, strained relationships with women, identity issues, and discomfort with sex (Denov, 2004).

Another study conducted in 2002 found that 17 of 67 men who endured sexual abuse during childhood reported mother-son incest. The study found in comparison to the other men in the study, the men who were abused by their mothers experienced more symptoms of trauma. Further, about half of the men abused by their mothers had mixed feelings regarding the abuse, and those with mixed feelings had more adjustment problems compared to men who had purely negative feelings toward the abuse (Kelly, Wood, Gonzalez, MacDonald, & Waterman, 2002).

Lucetta Thomas reported that after her story of mother-son sexual abuse aired on ABC 80, males accessed the online survey over the next two days to report maternal abuse and requested to be interviewed. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims.

When we examine outcomes of victims of any type of incest, we find this type of abuse is related to issues around relational trauma and betrayal trauma. Abuse by a trusted family member leads to a significant loss of trust and changes in beliefs around the self and safety in relationships (Kluft, 2011). Understandably, when the perpetrator is a mother, the trauma is likely to carry a particularly high level of damage, especially in light of the cultural perceptions of mothers as nurturers. Furthermore, the implications of reporting abuse of this nature can be catastrophic for the victim, the mother, and the entire family. In many cases, this leaves the victim feeling as if he has no choice but to deal with the trauma in silence.

What Professionals Need to Know

Professionals, particularly those working with sexual abuse cases, need to examine their own perceptions around women as potential abusers. It must be understood that this type of abuse is possible, does happen, and can do extraordinary damage to its victims. In general, many people have been under the impression that a woman cannot really harm another person sexually. This is not the case. As new research surfaces, we are finding that sexual abuse from mother to son can bring lasting trauma and long-term mental health effects (Denov, 2004).

Further, men and boys are much less likely to report sexual abuse (Holmes, Offen, & Waller, 1997). Researchers have put forth the possibility that attitudes and beliefs among mental health professionals in myths regarding the male as an unlikely victim do not create conditions that encourage men or boys to talk about sexual abuse. Professionals need to be aware of the reality of mother-son sexual abuse as well as the existence of the myths surrounding the male as unlikely to be vulnerable to sexual abuse and especially unlikely to be the victim of abuse by his own mother.

If you are a victim of any type of sexual abuse or assault, reach out to a therapist. There is no need to suffer in silence when help is available. If you are a victim of mother-son incest, clearly articulate your experiences to your therapist. The shame is not yours.

References:

1. Denov, M. S. (2004, October 1). The long-term effects of child sexual abuse by female perpetrators: A qualitative study of male and female victims. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19(10), 1,137-1,156. doi: 10.1177/0886260504269093
2. Friedersdorf, C. (2016, November 28). The understudied female sexual predator. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2016/11/the-understudied-female-sexual-predator/503492
3. Holmes, G. R., Offen, L., & Waller, G. (1997). See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil: Why do relatively few male victims of childhood sexual abuse receive help for abuse-related issues in adulthood?. Clinical Psychology Review, 17(1), 69-88. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9125368
4. Kelly, R. J., Wood, J. J., Gonzalez, L. S., MacDonald, V., & Waterman, J. (2002). Effects of mother-son incest and positive perceptions of sexual abuse experiences on the psychosocial adjustment of clinic-referred men. Child Abuse & Neglect, 26(4), 425-441. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12092807
5. Kluft, R. P. (2011, January 12). Ramifications of incest. Psychiatric Times, 27(12). Retrieved from https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/sexual-offenses/ramifications-incest
6. Osborne, T. (2015, August 7). New research sheds light on sex abuse committed by mothers against their sons. ABC News. Retrieved from https://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-08/new-research-mothers-who-sexually-abuse-their-sons/6679102

As much as we would love to envelop our kids in bubble wrap and follow them around everywhere, our job is ultimately to teach them to take care of and stand up for themselves. In recognition of National Child Abuse Prevention Month this April, and because childhood sexual abuse is an important issue to educate children about, I am sharing some tips for teaching kids about sexual abuse and body safety.

Nothing can guarantee our children’s safety, but talking to them about consent and their bodies and teaching them how to find a safe grown-up to tell if abuse does take place can both reduce the risk of abuse happening and prevent further abuse. Having open and ongoing conversations with your children about their bodies can help them feel empowered and confident and show them they have you on their team, no matter what. [fat_widget_right]

1. Make sure you are emotionally regulated first.

First and foremost, do what you can to get emotionally regulated and come from a place of love, not a place of fear. If you are panicking and overly fearful, your kids will pick up on it. As a trauma therapist, I have heard many stories from people who tried to tell their parents about abuse they experienced. Some report their parents responded appropriately, but far more report their parents either didn’t believe them or became so emotionally upset that their feelings became the center of the attention. Rather than the parent staying as regulated as possible so the child could trust them with their feelings, the parent’s trigger took up all the emotional space. This can make the child feel they not only have to navigate through the abuse on their own, but are now responsible for managing their parents’ feelings as well.

Set conversations up with the message, “Your body is awesome, strong, and beautiful, and it is my job as your caregiver to help you have a good relationship with your body and keep it healthy and safe.” Being able to have these conversations from a calm place will help build trust between you and your child. This is not to say the topic is not a difficult one, because it is. But talking about bodies should be as casual and calm as teaching kids to buckle their seat belt or cross the street.

As a trauma therapist, I have heard many stories from people who tried to tell their parents about abuse they experienced. Some report their parents responded appropriately, but far more report their parents either didn’t believe them or became so emotionally upset that their feelings became the center of the attention.

2. Use real names for body parts and start young!

Another difficult topic for many parents is using real names for body parts. Call a penis a “penis,” not a “wee wee.” Call a vagina a “vagina” and not a “hoo hoo.” Giving private parts nicknames implies there is something to be ashamed of. You can talk about how private parts—breasts, vaginas, bottoms, and penises—are very sensitive; you may notice children play with themselves rather casually. You can say to them, “Those parts of our bodies are special, and they can be very sensitive, but they are only for you to touch.”

It is also important to talk to them about not touching other people’s private parts. This means talking to young children as well. I began talking to my sons about their bodies from the time they were babies. Talking about their bodies casually has given my boys the ability to be comfortable talking to me about their privates. Although these conversations can be awkward and at times, humorous, the fact that my boys can talk to me about their bodies tells me I am a safe person for them to come to. There are countless stories of children not talking to parents or caregivers about abuse because they had no language about it; there was no guidance from healthy, well-boundaried caregivers. Their only guidance was from the perpetrator, who inevitably instilled shame and secrecy.

3. Teach what healthy touch is and is not.

Teaching children what not to do is vital, and talking to them about what healthy touch looks like is also very important. Our pediatrician always says, “The only time it is okay for another person to touch or look at our private parts is when they are keeping us safe, healthy, or clean.” Teaching children what healthy touch looks like gives them a framework for listening to their own intuition about what is not safe or healthy. If you have older teenagers that are starting to experiment with sex, this will be a different conversation. Having continuous conversations about sex and consent is extremely important. We not only have to teach kids about saying no to things, but also what it means for them (and for their partners) to say yes. Sex is pleasurable, and we must be able to be honest about that. Otherwise, they are once again navigating these waters without adult guidance.

4. Let children know they are in charge of their bodies.

Another notion we must come to grips with as parents is that our children are in charge of their own bodies. Think about it—can we control where and when they pee? What and when they eat? Where and when they sleep? No. We can and need to have structure, boundaries, schedules, and rules around these areas, but ultimately, children are in charge of their bodies and need us to teach them how to make good choices about taking care of themselves when we are not around to watch their every move.

If we try to control our children too much, they will learn either to rebel or to submit. This also means they should be in charge of when and to whom they give affection. Not forcing them to give grown-ups a hug or kiss is a way of teaching consent. You can provide alternatives. Give options like “How would you like to say goodbye? An air high five, a fist bump, or just a wave?” I often say, “We don’t have to do anything with our bodies that doesn’t feel right, but we do have to treat people with respect. So, I’d like for you to choose how you want to say goodbye.”

Teaching children what healthy touch looks like gives them a framework for listening to their own intuition about what is not safe or healthy.

5. Create a culture of believing children and avoid shame-based language.

Encourage children to talk to you if someone ever tries to touch them or coerces them into unhealthy touch. Reassure them you will believe them and help them get through it. Teach them to use their strong voice, and role play saying things like, “It’s not okay for you to touch me like that!” Creating a culture in the family of recognizing shame is also very helpful in creating open lines of communication.

Instead of calling children “bad” when they misbehave in some way, say instead they have made a “bad choice.” Discerning between these two may enable them to continue having open communication with you as they get older. Behavior and character are very important because perpetrators count on children believing the abuse is something they want, asked for, or deserved. Empowering children to believe they are strong, loveable humans, regardless of any mistakes they make, will help.

Thinking about someone hurting our children can feel overwhelming and unbearable. However, all we can do is empower them with language and unconditional love. Having ongoing, calm conversations about consent, their bodies, and healthy touch can reduce their risk of being victimized and empower them to have a healthy relationship with their bodies throughout their lives.