Imposter syndrome can feel like standing outside a life that should belong to you, sensing that the version others see is only a careful performance. For some people, that feeling is not just doubt before a big moment. It is a quiet, persistent question about whether the self they show the world is the whole truth.

Imposter syndrome
Inner critic
Authentic self
Therapy support

In this blog

	The door that was always yours
	Why imposter syndrome misses the point
	How this pattern begins
	How therapy helps with imposter syndrome

The Door That Was Always Yours

The writer Franz Kafka told a story about a man who waits his whole life in front of a door. At the very end of his life, he is told that this door was always meant only for him. He never walked through. He simply did not know it was his.

This is the quiet sadness of the “as-if” pattern. The real self has been there all along, waiting. While the person performs an elaborate show about not needing it.

Key insight

The feeling of being a fraud may be less about failure and more about a self that learned to hide in order to stay connected, accepted, or safe.

Why Imposter Syndrome Misses the Point

The term imposter syndrome is useful. But it is also a little thin. It names the feeling without explaining where it comes from.

For many people, this goes beyond nerves before a speech. It is a steady, low feeling of unreality. Like moving through life as an actor who has not quite learned the script. A quiet suspicion that the version of you the world sees, capable, likeable, put-together, is a construction, and that underneath, there is not much there at all.

Researchers often use the term impostor phenomenon rather than a formal diagnosis. That distinction matters: the experience can be painful and disruptive, but it does not mean something is wrong with you.

In depth psychology this is called the “as-if” personality. This term describes a person who performs the motions of living, rather than truly living them. Moving as if they belong. As if they feel. As if they know who they are.

Imposter Syndrome and the Mask We Wear

We all wear masks. This is not a sickness. It is part of being human.

The persona is the name for the face we show the world. You speak differently at work than at home. You act differently with your boss than with your best friend. This is normal. This is healthy.

However, for some people, the mask did not stay a mask. It became the whole face. The performance became the person. Underneath, the real self, the true self, sat quietly in the dark. Waiting.

When the inner critic is loud

If the voice inside keeps saying you are not good enough, GoodTherapy’s article on self-compassion and the inner critic can offer another way to relate to that voice.

How This Pattern Begins

This usually starts in childhood.

Children are smart. They learn fast what is safe and what is not. If you grew up in a home where being too loud, too emotional, or too needy was met with coldness, you learned to adapt. You learned to become what the world needed you to be.

A child who learns that being real feels dangerous will build another self. A safer self. One that earns love by being agreeable, capable, and easy to manage.

The true self does not disappear. It hides. And it waits.

The adult who grew from that child often carries great skill on the outside. But there is a strange hollowness on the inside. They have mastered the performance. They just cannot quite remember who was there before the curtain went up.

If the roots of this pattern are connected to chronic stress, neglect, or trauma, it may help to read about how complex trauma can change a person’s sense of self. A trauma-informed approach emphasizes safety, trust, choice, and collaboration, principles also described by SAMHSA.

Do You Recognize Yourself Here?

Here are some signs that you may be living in the “as-if” pattern:

	The perpetual understudy. No matter how much you achieve, success still feels like a lucky mistake. You are waiting for someone to realize they got it wrong.
	Exhausting adaptability. You are very good at reading a room and giving people what they want. Secretly, it drains you completely.
	Not knowing what you want. When someone asks what you want, not what you should want, not what would please others, your mind goes strangely blank.
	The glass wall feeling. You are present in conversations and relationships. Yet not quite there. You narrate your own life rather than live it.
	Needing praise but fearing closeness. You crave recognition. But you believe that if someone looked too closely, they would find you out.
	A relentless inner critic. A voice in your head that never stops: not good enough. Not real enough. Not deserving enough.

These experiences are not random. They are the logical result of a self that learned to hide in order to survive.

What Happened to the Hidden Parts

Here is something most people do not know. When we push parts of ourselves away, those parts do not simply vanish.

These hidden parts become the shadow. The shadow holds everything we have pushed out of sight, our anger, our grief, our strongest wants. All the parts of us that felt too dangerous to show. Often, buried alongside the anger and grief, are creativity, vitality, and passion. The parts of the self that got pushed away were not only the “bad” parts. They were the alive parts. The ones that felt too much, wanted too boldly, or loved too fiercely for the world around them at the time.

The shadow does not disappear just because we ignore it. It finds other ways to come out. Sudden bursts of emotion. Strange dreams. A vague feeling that something is wrong, but you cannot name it.

A gentle try-this-now exercise

Without forcing an answer, ask yourself: What part of me has been waiting to be noticed?

Write one sentence beginning with, “A part of me wants…” Then stop. You do not need to explain, justify, or fix the answer today.

How Therapy Helps with Imposter Syndrome

Therapy is about finding the door that was always yours and finally walking through it.

The good news: the “as-if” pattern is not permanent. People find their way back to themselves. Not all at once. Slowly. Surprisingly. Often with great relief. Psychotherapy can offer a structured relationship where thoughts, emotions, body cues, and patterns can be explored with support.

1	Learning to be seen. In therapy, you practice letting someone witness your real self, your doubt, your anger, your need. When that person does not leave or punish you for it, something inside relaxes. Being real begins to feel safe.
2	Meeting your shadow. Not acting out buried feelings but getting to know them. What emotions have you been managing instead of feeling? What would you be like if you stopped performing?
3	Coming back to the body. The “as-if” pattern often means living so much in the constructed self that the body goes quiet. Body-aware work can reconnect you to sensations you stopped noticing long ago.
4	Working with dreams. Dreams speak the language of the unconscious. They show you, in image and story, exactly what your waking mind is too busy, or too scared, to look at directly.

Early research on interventions for the impostor phenomenon suggests that approaches such as reflection, self-compassion, and supportive therapeutic work can be useful, though more rigorous research is still needed.

Finding support

If this pattern feels familiar, you do not have to figure it out alone. You can search for a therapist or read GoodTherapy’s guide on how to find the right therapist.

Your Sensitivity Is a Strength

The very sensitivity that made the mask necessary is also one of your greatest strengths.

People who learned to read environments carefully, who sense what others need, who adapt with skill and care, these people have a rare and deep empathy. They understand others in ways that most people never will.

You Do Not Have to Keep Performing

The feeling of being a fraud, of moving through life behind a carefully built face, has roots. And those roots can be gently, bravely explored. Therapy offers exactly this kind of space. To help you find your way back to what was always right about you and let it take up space in the world.

A next step that does not require performing

You can begin with one honest sentence in a safe relationship. If therapy feels like the right place for that, GoodTherapy can help you find a therapist who fits your needs.

Frequently Asked Questions

Direct answers about imposter syndrome, self-doubt, therapy, and the inner critic.

Q: Is imposter syndrome a diagnosis? +

A: No. Imposter syndrome is a common way of naming feelings of fraudulence and self-doubt, but it is not a formal mental health diagnosis. The feeling can still be distressing and worth exploring with support.

Q: Why do I feel like a fraud even when I am capable? +

A: Sometimes the self that performs well is not the same self that feels seen. If you learned to earn safety, praise, or closeness by adapting, success may feel disconnected from who you are inside.

Q: Can therapy help with imposter syndrome? +

A: Therapy can help many people explore the roots of self-doubt, practice being seen more honestly, and build a safer relationship with parts of themselves they learned to hide. It is not a quick fix, but it can be a steady place to begin.

Q: What can I do when the inner critic gets loud? +

A: Try naming the critic as one part of you, not the whole truth of you. A simple sentence such as, “A part of me is afraid I will be found out,” can create enough space to respond with curiosity instead of attack.

Take the Next Step

You do not have to keep performing your way through self-doubt alone. Support can help you understand what the mask has protected and what your real self may need now.

Find a Therapist Near You >

About the Author Amanda Frudakis-Ruckel Licensed Clinical Social Worker, TCTSY-F Amanda Frudakis-Ruckel, LCSW, TCTSY-F, is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist practicing in New Jersey and New York. She trained clinically at Memorial Sloan Kettering, Weill Cornell Medicine, and through New York City’s Mental Health Service Corps, and holds a Master’s in Social Work from Fordham University. Her practice, Person to Person Psychotherapy, specializes in trauma, identity, life transitions, grief, and existential anxiety. She draws on existential, humanistic, and narrative frameworks and is a certified Trauma Center Trauma Sensitive Yoga facilitator. View Profile >

Growing up, my family didn’t talk about painful experiences, we laughed loudly, cooked big meals, prayed hard, and kept secrets even harder. But silence has a cost, and when we don’t name what hurt us, we pass that unspoken weight to the next generation.

Understanding Intergenerational Trauma

It can stem from experiences like abuse or neglect, loss and grief, racism and systemic inequities, displacement or immigration stress, and substance use or mental health challenges.

Even when families don’t discuss these experiences, they show up in how we love, parent, communicate, and cope. For many families, silence isn’t denial, it’s survival. Older generations didn’t always have the language, access, or safety to process their pain, so they did the best they could.

Intergenerational trauma occurs when trauma symptoms are present within generations of the same family, beyond the generation of the person who experienced the original trauma. Research shows that trauma’s effects can be transmitted through both psychological and biological pathways, affecting children who never directly experienced the traumatic events themselves. Harvard Medical School research demonstrates that trauma affects not just individuals but entire communities, with effects that can persist across generations.

Why Breaking the Cycle Matters

What isn’t healed gets handed down, sometimes as unspoken expectations, sometimes as repeating patterns, and sometimes as behaviors we promised ourselves we’d never replicate. The good news is that cycles can be broken. Healing begins when we start telling the truth, to ourselves first, then to each other.

These conversations can be awkward, messy, and emotional, but they’re also the doorway to freedom, connection, and peace. When families address intergenerational trauma directly, they create opportunities for healing that can positively impact future generations.

5 Steps to Start Healing Conversations About Intergenerational Trauma

Step 1: Start With Yourself First

Before opening conversations about intergenerational trauma with family members, take time to reflect on your own story. Consider what patterns you want to understand or change, what behaviors you see repeating across generations, and what you need to feel safe having these discussions.

Therapy can be a powerful starting point, giving you tools to process your own emotions before inviting others into the conversation. Understanding your own trauma responses and triggers helps you approach family conversations from a place of strength rather than reactivity. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) emphasizes that trauma-informed approaches prioritize safety, collaboration, and empowerment; principles that apply to family healing as well.

Step 2: Choose the Right Moment

Timing matters when addressing intergenerational trauma. Avoid launching into deep conversations during high-stress situations or family celebrations. Instead, pick a time when emotions are calmer and privacy is possible.

You might start with: “I’ve been thinking a lot about our family’s history and how it shaped me. Can we talk about it sometime?” This approach invites dialogue instead of defensiveness and gives family members time to prepare mentally for the conversation.

Step 3: Lead With Curiosity, Not Blame

Approach conversations about intergenerational trauma with compassion rather than confrontation. Use “I” statements instead of accusations. For example: “I’ve noticed I struggle with anxiety, and I’m wondering if it connects to what we’ve been through” or “I want to understand our family better, not point fingers.”

This approach invites dialogue instead of defensiveness. Remember that previous generations often had fewer resources and different understandings of trauma and mental health. Leading with curiosity helps create a safe space for honest sharing.

Step 4: Set Boundaries Around Safety

Not every family member will be ready to discuss intergenerational trauma, and that’s okay. Protect your peace by limiting how long or deep the first conversation goes, stepping away if things become heated, and reminding yourself that you’re allowed to seek healing even if others aren’t ready.

Some family relationships may be too damaged or unsafe for these conversations. In cases involving ongoing abuse or dangerous dynamics, professional guidance is essential before attempting family discussions about trauma. Research from Cleveland Clinic shows that family therapy can effectively help families navigate complex dynamics and improve communication patterns.

Step 5: Bring in Professional Support

Some topics related to intergenerational trauma are too heavy to handle alone. Consider inviting a therapist, mediator, or faith leader to help facilitate difficult discussions. Professional support can make the process safer and more constructive.

Trained therapists understand how to navigate conversations about trauma sensitively while helping families develop healthier communication patterns. They can also help identify when individual therapy might be needed alongside family work. Johns Hopkins Medicine research demonstrates that evidence-based therapeutic approaches can significantly improve family functioning and emotional well-being.

The Healing Journey: What to Expect

For my family, the breakthrough came slowly. At first, there were awkward pauses, nervous laughter, and a lot of “I don’t remember that.” But over time, walls began to lower. We started sharing stories we’d never spoken out loud. We cried. We forgave. We agreed that the next generation deserves a different narrative, one rooted in truth, resilience, and connection.

Breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma isn’t about blaming the past, it’s about rewriting the future. The process involves reflecting on your story and where patterns show up, realigning boundaries and relationships with what supports your healing, and rising knowing you are creating space for the next generation to thrive.

Finding Professional Support for Intergenerational Trauma

Working through intergenerational trauma often requires professional guidance. Different therapeutic approaches can help families break cycles of trauma and develop healthier patterns of relating.

Recent meta-analyses published in the Journal of Family Therapy confirm that family-based interventions show strong effectiveness for addressing both childhood behavioral problems and improving overall family functioning.

When choosing a therapist, look for professionals who have specific training in trauma work and family systems. Cultural competency is also important, as trauma and healing can manifest differently across cultural contexts. Harvard’s Program in Refugee Trauma emphasizes that effective trauma treatment must consider cultural, historical, and social contexts for optimal healing outcomes.

FAQ: Common Questions About Intergenerational Trauma

QCan intergenerational trauma be healed without involving the whole family?

QWhat if my family refuses to talk about trauma?

QHow long does it take to heal intergenerational trauma?

QIs it normal to feel worse before feeling better?

Taking the First Step

You don’t have to navigate conversations about intergenerational trauma alone. Our therapist directory connects you with mental health professionals trained in intergenerational healing, family dynamics, and culturally responsive care.

Breaking cycles of trauma is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to future generations. It takes courage to face family patterns and begin these conversations, but the freedom that comes from healing is worth every difficult moment.

Ready to begin your healing journey? Search our directory of qualified therapists who specialize in intergenerational trauma and family healing to find the right professional support for your family’s unique needs.

We all want to feel needed, appreciated, and connected. But when your sense of worth hinges on how much you do for others; when saying no feels dangerous or caring for yourself brings guilt; you might be caught in an over-accommodating loop. Caring deeply and showing up for others isn’t the problem. The trouble begins when your own needs fade so far into the background that you forget they’re even there.

Research shows that people pleasing behavior is more common than you might think, often having roots that stretch back into childhood and significantly impacting mental health outcomes.

What It Feels Like to Over-Accommodate

If you’re someone who regularly adjusts your plans, preferences, or even your personality to keep others happy, you might be stuck in an over-accommodating loop. This can look like being easygoing, selfless, or “low maintenance” on the outside – but inside, you may feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or exhausted.

While this pattern can be rooted in a genuine desire to help, it’s often driven by deeper fears: fear of conflict, fear of being a burden, fear of not being enough unless you’re useful. And those fears can quietly shape your relationships, your self-worth, and your overall well-being.

Common Signs of People Pleasing Behavior

Understanding the patterns of people pleasing behavior is crucial for recognizing when caring crosses into self-sacrifice:

Taking on Emotional Responsibility: You often feel responsible for keeping others happy or avoiding their discomfort, even when it’s not your job.

Struggling to Say No: Turning down requests makes you feel guilty, selfish, or worried someone will be upset.

Putting Yourself Last: Your own rest, needs, and boundaries get pushed aside to make room for others.

Guilt Around Self-Care: Doing something for yourself feels indulgent – or even wrong.

Resentment or Burnout: You feel drained or underappreciated, but you keep giving anyway.

Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen notes that people pleasers are at significantly higher risk for workplace burnout due to their difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to additional responsibilities.

The Trap in Romantic Relationships

People pleasing behavior can really show up in romantic relationships, especially with partners who are more self-focused or entitled. If you’re overly other-oriented, you might feel pulled to caretake, smooth things over, or manage the other person’s moods. Your needs take a backseat, sometimes so far back you lose sight of them entirely.

Without meaning to, you may even reinforce the idea that the relationship revolves around their wants – because you keep showing up, quietly stretching yourself thinner. Over time, this dynamic can leave you feeling resentful, emotionally alone, or unsure what you even want from a partner.

Change starts by noticing these patterns, getting curious about them, and slowly learning to voice your needs and limits. That’s not selfish – it’s how mutual relationships are built.

Where People Pleasing Behavior Comes From

This habit of over-accommodating usually isn’t random. Most people learned it somewhere. Sometimes, the pattern forms in response to unspoken expectations – subtle cues that your role was to be the helper, the fixer, the one who stayed calm. Even if no one ever said it out loud, you may have absorbed the message that your value came from being easy, helpful, or emotionally low maintenance.

Research indicates that people pleasing behavior often stems from childhood experiences where love or approval was conditional. If caregivers only validated them when they were obedient, accommodating, or high-achieving, they may have learned that their worth depends on meeting others’ expectations.

Maybe you grew up in a household where conflict felt dangerous, so you kept the peace. Maybe you had a parent who struggled, and you stepped into the role of emotional support. Or maybe you were simply rewarded for being the one who didn’t “cause trouble.” When your safety or connection depended on being agreeable, helpful, or invisible, it makes sense that you internalized those ways of coping. They helped you survive then, but they might be hurting you now.

Moving Toward Balance: Overcoming People Pleasing Behavior

You don’t have to stop being caring or supportive. But what if your own needs got equal airtime? What if tending to your well-being wasn’t something you earned after taking care of everyone else? These changes don’t happen overnight, but they’re possible with time, practice, and support.

Here are a few steps toward that kind of shift:

Practice Assertiveness: Speak up about your preferences and needs – even in small ways. Start where it feels hard, but possible. Studies show that learning assertiveness skills is crucial for breaking free from people pleasing patterns.

Make Self-Care Non-Negotiable: Rest, connection, creativity – whatever refuels you – deserves space on your calendar.

Challenge the Guilt: Just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is bad. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish – it’s sustainable.

Notice the Roots: Start gently unpacking where these patterns came from. What were you taught about your role in relationships?

Seek Out Mutuality: Surround yourself with people who want to know the real you – not just the version who shows up for them.

FAQ: Understanding People Pleasing Behavior

Q: Is people pleasing behavior a mental health condition? A: While not a diagnosable condition itself, chronic people pleasing behavior is often linked to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and codependency. It can also be a trauma response known as “fawning.”

Q: How do I know if my helping is healthy or unhealthy? A: Healthy helping comes from choice and maintains your boundaries. Unhealthy people pleasing feels compulsive, leaves you drained, and often involves sacrificing your own needs consistently.

Q: Can people pleasing behavior be changed? A: Yes! With awareness, practice, and often professional support, people can learn to set healthy boundaries, practice assertiveness, and build self-worth independent of others’ approval.

Q: What’s the difference between being kind and people pleasing? A: Kindness comes from genuine care and choice, while people pleasing is driven by fear, guilt, or the need for approval. Kind people can say no when needed; people pleasers struggle with this.

Q: How long does it take to overcome people pleasing habits? A: Recovery is a gradual process that varies for each person. Some may see changes in weeks with consistent practice, while deeply ingrained patterns may take months or years to fully transform.

Reclaiming Your Authentic Self

Being someone who cares deeply is a gift. But when that care becomes a quiet erasure of your own needs, it can be a heavy burden to carry. You deserve relationships that go both ways – and a life that honors your needs just as much as anyone else’s.

Healing people pleasing behavior doesn’t mean giving less. It means giving in a way that includes you – where your voice, your needs, and your inner steadiness are part of the equation. You’re allowed to show up fully, not just as the one who helps, but as someone equally worthy of care.

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

by Mary Alexander, JD

What Makes Clergy Abuse So Different? 

Acts of sexual abuse are inexcusable. Acts of sexual abuse at the hands of priests, clergy, and other religious leaders are particularly inexcusable, not only given the many facets of their unique positions but also because of the complexity of the religious institutions that employ them. Clergy abuse causes harm in many ways, but new laws are increasing accountability for clergy members and legal options for abuse survivors. 

The abusive acts are never the fault of survivors. It takes courage for a survivor to acknowledge that abuse occurred. For some, reading this article may be a step in your process of acknowledging what has happened to you. You are not alone. 

This Moment in History

Clergy abuse is not a new phenomenon. Survivors, many of whom were children at the time of the sexual abuse, are now coming forward in greater numbers. This is, at least in part, due to recent changes in law allowing survivors to seek civil justice for the pain, emotional distress, and trauma suffered as a result of the abuse. 

Clergy Abuse Is Different

Clergy members are unique in their positions. Due to the inherent nature of their esteemed positions and the belief that they are closer to God, religious leaders occupy positions of authority. They are respected and deemed trustworthy. They are also the very people who are expected to set an example of moral and ethical behavior in our communities. People often look to clergy when in need of help, guidance, or to confess their sins.  

Betrayal of Trust

However, when members of clergy prey on their students and congregants, they are exploiting not only their trust but the trust of their families. These are the people they are supposed to be serving. Many survivors have suffered in silence, fearful that they would not be believed if they reported the abuse. Indeed, the dark irony is that the abuser may be the same person the survivor would have otherwise turned to for counseling in such a time of need. Furthermore, when the perpetrator of sexual abuse is a clergy member, the religious institution may also be responsible and liable for the abuse. 

Criminal acts of sexual abuse have been committed by local religious leaders and their employees for decades. The most common example is the longtime and ongoing abuse, mostly of minors, by Catholic clergy members. The 2015 film “Spotlight” told the true story of the Boston Globe journalists who uncovered decades-long cover-ups at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishments, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. Because the cycle of abuse had occurred for so long in secret, with little to no consequences for the abusers, several of the accused or convicted in this investigation and others like it stated that the abuse had become normalized to them.  

The Impact of Clergy Abuse

Emotional Distress

Most, if not all, survivors will agree that the impact of sexual abuse does not stop once the physical contact has ended. Physical contact is often associated with levels of emotion, and it is well documented by organizations such as the Department of Health and Human Services that survivors feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment surrounding the abuse they suffered. These very same feelings are what predators count on to keep their abused silent. 

If you are wrestling with the emotional distress of abuse, help is available. Click through to find a therapist near you who can help. 

Power and Manipulation

When the abuser is a religious leader or member of the clergy, complications can arise because they often know how to elicit certain responses from people. Many priests are expected to be able to soothe and counsel people in times of emotional distress. It is reasonable to believe that if that same priest had engaged in physical or sexual abuse, he could use that specialized ability in more sinister ways, namely, to deter a survivor or their family from reporting the abuse to other leaders within the religious organization or to law enforcement. 

An abuser will often feel he is in control of the situation and will go on with life and business unscathed, believing he will presumably be backed by his religious institution if accused. That influence can begin with something as simple as a whispered rumor among the congregation to preemptively tarnish the survivor’s reputation. From there, the abuser succeeds if the matter snowballs in his favor or if the survivor never comes forward with a claim. 

Psychological Trauma

Psychological trauma often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. But the critical difference between the two is that psychological abuse has stronger effects on a survivor’s mental capacity. While emotional abuse affects what people feel, psychological abuse affects what and how they think. 

It’s not uncommon for psychological abuse to take place during and even after the physical act(s) of abuse. This often looks like manipulation, gaslighting, or making harmful threats. In an instant, an innocent survivor will feel that what is happening is acceptable or that no one will believe them. Although many individuals do face hurdles when coming to terms with and reporting physical and sexual abuse no matter the context, reporting the abuse can often be a way to take back their own power. 

Mental Health Concerns

It is important for survivors of sexual abuse to seek professional help and to find healthy ways to cope with the emotional and psychological impact of their abuse. People who have experienced psychological abuse often report feelings of depression, suicidal ideation, low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD has effects that can last for years. It can paralyze people’s mental states to prevent them from working, concentrating, or caring for themselves and others. 

Trying to Cope Through Substance Abuse

The psychological impact can also lead to drug and alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has published several studies and reports detailing how alcoholism can be a consequence of child abuse. While alcohol and controlled substances may do long-term damage, they can be perceived as providing temporary solace from the torment. However, research shows that alcohol can actually complicate symptoms of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. 

Sexual and Physical Pain

Physical abuse such as beatings, lashings, and burnings may have been supplemented by sexual acts performed or demanded by clergymen. The physical pain endured by survivors is often accompanied by and causes emotional distress and psychological trauma as well.

The Road to Healing

It is common for anyone who has been through the trauma of sexual abuse to want to feel safe and to regain control of their life. The process of healing from abuse is different for everyone, and support groups for survivors have grown in recent decades. 

But there is a difference between healing and justice, and survivors should feel vindicated if they want one or both. 

You Have Rights

The abuse of a child almost always occurs in private and out of public view, so proving that the church or religious organization knew or should have known (of the abuse) can be particularly challenging. Thankfully, legal reforms in California and other states have been passed to help empower survivors and their families. 

California Law

In 2019, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed into law AB 218, which enhanced protections for survivors of crime and abuse. This law includes measures establishing an amnesty clause protecting survivors and witnesses of sexual assault. 

For survivors of childhood sexual abuse that occurred in California, this update to the law adds extra time to seek civil justice. AB 218 raised the age limit for abuse survivors to bring legal action against their abusive clergy member or other church-affiliated abusers. This law gives survivors of childhood sexual abuse until age 40 – or five years from the discovery of the abuse – to file civil lawsuits. Before AB 218, the age limit had been 26, or within three years from the discovery of the abuse. Furthermore, AB 218 provides a three-year lookback window for claims that would have previously expired under the old law.

The Legal Process for Survivors Wanting Justice

Survivors of sexual abuse now have stronger laws on their side. If survivors want to secure civil justice, they can do so in a court of law. It can be tough to investigate claims if the reported abusive conduct took place many years ago. Still, it is important to move forward with them regardless of how much time has passed. 

The first step in achieving justice for a survivor of sexual abuse is to speak with a plaintiffs’ lawyer who is familiar with these new laws and has had success litigating sexual abuse claims. 

Law firms like mine represent clients of almost every age, gender, sexual identity, and race. We have collaborated with experts for years on civil and criminal matters involving clergy sexual abuse. It’s important to know that if you have suffered abuse, you have rights that you are free to exercise.

Mary Alexander is a plaintiff attorney based in San Francisco who represents victims of abuse and accidents. Visit her firm’s website here.

If you’re struggling to deal with any type of abuse, please reach out for help. There are many trauma therapists who are trained to support people in your exact situation. You don’t have to go it alone. To find a trauma therapist who can help, click through to search for a therapist near you and filter by Common Specialties>All other issues>Abuse/Abuse Survivor Issues.

By Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds

You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you. 

The Evolution of a Relationship

It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic. 

Why You Relate the Way You Do

In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.

Different Attachment Styles

Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress. 

Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?

Further Research into Attachment Styles 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences. 

Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood? 

What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure? 

Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020; Sims, 2000; Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013; Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?

Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.

Transference-Focused Therapy

Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples. 

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy

Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.

Dyadic Regulation Processes

Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.

Partner Relationship Mindfulness

General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.

Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style

As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern.  

What Lies within Our Power?

We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth. 

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.

Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.

Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart. 

In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.

Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 

Kim, S.‐H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.

Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.

Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.

Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.

Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.