I have good news and bad news. People usually want the bad news first, so here goes: You, alone, do not have the power to make your child happy. None of us do. That’s the bad news. Okay, what’s the good news? You hold more power than you think.  

The biggest mistake I see parents making with their children is that they underestimate themselves! You underestimate how needed and wanted you are, and how much of a difference you can make. And if your gut reaction to this is anything along the lines of “No, my kid doesn’t want to talk to me,” or “She just wants to stay in her room”, then I am definitely talking to you.  

Knowing your worth can make a difference for your teenager, and the best news is, you can ‘fake it ’til you make it’ if needed. Here are three steps you can take right now to let go of the power that isn’t yours and harness the power that is: 

Step 1: Assume they need and want your attention

Every time I’m asked the question, “How can you work with teenagers? How do you reach them?” I am reminded of the days I worked with gang-involved youth at an alternative school in Chicago. As I walked through the halls past classroom doors, kids would literally turn to me and shout, “Take me! Take me!” My secret? I assumed they wanted my attention.  

I’m not claiming it was easy. I was trained to ignore the ‘behavioral noise’ — the defenses, the bravado, the defiance, or even the silence. I had to learn to let that roll off. I couldn’t let it hurt my feelings or deter me. My job was to remain present, open, and solicitous. What surprised me most was how quickly the kids could sense that I was for real. They dropped the rebellious act so quickly, and it became very easy to see these kids for exactly who they were: kids.  

I know it’s more complicated as a parent. I’m a mom and a stepmom, and I feel the difference. But I promise it’s not that they want or need you any less. In fact, they want their parents even more! But this is why Step 2 is so important. 

Step 2: Listen

If your teenager is reluctant to talk to you, I guarantee it’s not because they don’t care what you think. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s because they care too much about what you think. They know who you are. They know your values, beliefs, and opinions. And for the most part, they are probably well aligned with you. But healthy teens inevitably differ from their parents in some ways, and they need to know you’re okay with that. No matter how much they pretend not to care, I promise they want your blessing.  

So, listen. Get curious. Ask questions about the nuances of what they’re saying. Don’t weigh in, at least not yet. Make it your sole mission to let them know you’ve taken a serious interest in what they’re saying and are taking your time to digest it. Let them know they’ve made you think. It demonstrates your willingness to accept, integrate, and adapt to their differences.  

Step 3: Offer therapy 

 Assuming your teen wants your attention and listening without an agenda will help you harness the power you hold. But what then? What if it’s not enough? Don’t be afraid to offer therapy.   

I know I’m biased, but so is everyone. And in my unapologetic opinion, every teen needs therapy. Making sense of the world these days while making sense of oneself is an overwhelming task for even the most mature adults. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to break down in any number of ways. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, and everything else are a result of kids not having the ability to process the stressors in their lives. Therapy is for processing. It can alleviate symptoms, but it can also be preventative.  

The Takeaway 

The biggest problem between teens and their parents comes down to this: They love each other so much it can be paralyzing. Teens care so much about their parents’ approval, that they’re afraid to fully share themselves. And parents care so much about their teens’ well-being, they’re afraid to get involved and mess it up.  

As the parent, you need to be brave and disrupt this cycle. I can’t promise it won’t be messy, but I can promise that letting go of the fears and embracing the mess will lead to a stronger connection between you and your teen. And a stronger connection with you will directly affect their overall well-being.  

As a mother of three, I have had my fair share of at least one of my children not wanting to be dropped off at school. Every year, my youngest son decides he no longer wants to attend school. Despite the hysterics in the morning, I usually get told that he “had the best day ever!” when I pick him up. If your child is struggling with not wanting to go to school, make sure to listen and hear what they are stating their reasoning. If it is because they want to avoid going, the following tips may be helpful.
(Make sure there are no reasons why your child does not want to attend school that are more than just not wanting to.)

Let me give you an idea of what this looks like

When my youngest arrived at school last year, he started crying and telling me he was not going. Pulling up to the parent drop-off lane, I kissed my other two children goodbye and wished them the best day ever. After parking, I tried talking to my little boy in 1st grade. I yelled, begged, bribed, and tried anything I could think of. I physically picked him up as he grasped the seatbelt and car with Hulk’s strength as he screamed. While bringing him to the front of the school, he decided to lay on the ground face first, screaming. When I attempted to get him off the ground, he spider-monkeyed onto my leg and would not let go. Once I got into the school, I brought him into the office, and once the staff separated him from my leg, I left. He screamed for me, “Help me, Mommy, don’t leave me.” The first day this happened, I cried in my car, guilty and embarrassed. The second day this happened, I cried again with guilt and embarrassment. The third time this happened, I did not cry. The fourth time this happened, I laughed in the car. On the fifth day of this week, he did not cry or scream! (sigh of relief, right?). That’s until Monday comes, and the cycle repeats all over again. My brain knows he has to go to school, and I have to work, but that does not help my heart when this occurs every morning.

Can you relate to this?

Please know you are not alone, and you are doing the best you can; you are doing great!

Can’t relate to this?

You may have witnessed similar situations but have yet to experience this. Please be kind and do not judge.

Here are some tips for coping with this situation that I have found helpful

1. Talk to the school staff!

Does your school have a social worker or counselor? Reach out to them BEFORE the first day! If you anticipate needing to bring your child to school through the main office, talk to the staff there, too! The more support you have, the easier it will be for you to leave your child, and the more adults there will be to comfort your child when you leave. The more familiar your child is with the school staff, the more they may find comfort that these individuals will meet their needs and are safe. Inquire about PBIS; most schools have reward systems in place and may be able to help with incentives. It will also be helpful to create an open communication dialogue with teachers to understand better how your child’s day went and if the mornings have been going well or are a struggle.

2. Take away the unknown and scary fears

Is this a new school? It will likely be a new teacher when starting a different grade level. Try to get your child comfortable with the idea of a new teacher. This is a change, and change can be scary! If your school offers a tour, take your child! The more familiar the child is with what their days will look like, the less complicated it becomes. Create a unique “secret” bond with your child, whether nonverbal, like a secret handshake, or sensory, such as spraying your perfume on their wrist to smell when they miss you. Pinterest is full of fun ideas for comfort objects as well! Remember also to validate your child’s emotions and feelings.

3. Create a routine!

Try to make the morning routine as structured and consistent as possible. Maintaining structure may become challenging when your child is insistent on not getting ready or going to school, but stick to your routine the best you can. Be prepared for changes in routine, such as holiday breaks, to cause some regression. Create a goodbye routine for drop-off that will be the same each day. For example, “I love you. Have the best day, and I will pick you up at 3:00 p.m. I am excited to hear about your day!” Consistency will go a long way in these situations.

4. Reward preferred behaviors

Reward and praise the behavior that is preferred! If your child brushes teeth without being asked five times, acknowledge this! Visuals are the best fit for my routine. I have a visual chart that if my child completes each task, they get a sticker next to each. They will get an appropriate reward depending on how many stickers are on the graph at the end of the week.

5. Ignored unpreferred behaviors

This does not mean ignoring the feelings and emotions that your child is expressing. Pick your battles. As long as they are not becoming a harm to themselves or others, ignore them. Situations like this are frustrating and can provoke wanting to yell, take a deep breath, and remember that children are tiny people with big emotions. Things may worsen before they improve, but remember, they will improve.

6. Be kind to yourself!

You are doing the best you can, and this can be hard! You are not alone, and you are not an imperfect parent/caregiver. Take a deep breath, remember self-care, find support, listen to music, and try some grounding techniques. After dropping your child off, you can call the school to check on them. If the school is having a hard time after 5-10 minutes, you may want to assess if this is something more than just not wanting to go to school.

I know too well that this is all easier said than done, and it can be incredibly challenging when feeling unsupported or having overwhelming mom guilt. You are not alone!

Project Rise Counseling & Advocacy LLC, currently has immediate availability with telehealth sessions offered during daytime, evening, and weekend hours.

The GoodTherapy registry might be helpful to you to find a therapist if you are struggling. There are thousands of therapists listed who would love to walk with you on your journey. Find the support you need today.

by Mary Romm, Licensed Professional Counselor in Gloucester, VA

The Scoop on Parent-Child Interaction Therapy

Are these some of the thoughts inside your head?

“My child is out of control.”

“I don’t enjoy spending time with my kid anymore.”

“My kid hits/bites/kicks me.” 

“Another daycare kicked my child out today.”

Are you ready for help? 

Who PCIT Can Help

As a therapist, I’ve utilized Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT) to help children ages 2-7 who have extreme behavioral challenges and seen them learn to listen and behave. I’ve used PCIT in my work with kids who had to wear a monitoring bracelet because they ran away so much, broke mirrors in a rage, and used the shards to carve up furniture, or parents were ready to commit them. Those same kids then listened to their parents, no longer engaged in extreme attention-seeking behaviors, and were able to calm down when they were upset and even talk about their feelings. I’ve seen it work with less intense cases, too, but those aren’t as fun to write about. PCIT works. 

PCIT can treat most concerns related to children’s behavior. This includes ADHD, anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder, oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), selective mutism, trauma-exposed children, and more.

So What Is PCIT?

Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based approach that has 50 years of research behind it. Research shows it keeps children out of therapy for up to seven years, when they hit adolescence and their brain begins to rewire. Lots of the skills you will learn in PCIT will always be relevant — many of them are as good with 6-year-old kids as they are with teens or even adults. PCIT is not a therapy where another adult takes your child and works with them for an hour before bringing them back to you, and you don’t know what they did in that hour. As a therapist, I love working with this age range because I know early intervention is key. (Also, angry 5-year-olds throwing chairs aren’t nearly as scary as angry 14- or 15-year-olds.)

How Does PCIT Work?

There are two phases to PCIT. The first phase is called Child-Directed Interaction, or CDI. I like to picture CDI as laying the stable foundation of a house. CDI teaches you the skills that play therapists use. It helps you begin to enjoy playing with your child again and learn how to manage their behavior with positive attention alone. In this first phase, you’ll already see a huge reduction in behavior issues due to the child receiving quality, purposeful time with the adult and the adult learning many new tactics to manage that child’s behavior without yelling or accidentally reinforcing the behavior. This is foundational work.

The second phase is called Parent-Directed Interaction, or PDI. PDI is where you get specific discipline skills to help you control your child’s behavior. Now that the relationship foundation is completely stable and your skills are memorized, we can move into learning how to consistently and effectively discipline your child.

Throughout PCIT, you’ll track the reduction in your child’s problematic behavior on a form called an Eyberg Child Behavior Inventory, or ECBI. As a parent, you get to rate your child’s behaviors and see how those behaviors change as treatment goes on.

Is PCIT Forever?

Great news! You will graduate from PCIT in as little as 3-6 months if you do the homework and work hard in sessions. PCIT is not a vague therapy where things end when it feels right; there are specific guidelines and instructions on how to graduate from therapy, all of which are parent-driven. 

How Does PCIT Compare to Other Therapies?

Ideally, because PCIT builds that strong foundation in the Child-Directed Interaction phase, it should be done before any other therapy, even before trauma therapy. Trauma therapy does include several PCIT elements; thus, it is done after PCIT. PCIT should especially be done before talk therapy, as PCIT has the research base behind it. Once kids feel safe and secure in their relationship with their parents, and once parents know how to consistently handle their child’s behaviors, then other therapies can be attempted. However, they usually are not needed at that point. 

Is PCIT Covered by Insurance?

Yes, as long as your insurance has mental health care coverage and your therapist accepts insurance or is able to be an out-of-network provider, PCIT should be covered.

 To learn more about PCIT, please visit this PCIT info page and PCIT International’s page for parents.

 If you live in Virginia and want to start online PCIT for your child, please visit check out Mary’s practice, Willow Tree Healing Center.  You can find more therapists who use PCIT by searching for therapists in your area and filtering your results by Type of Therapy > Parent-Child Interaction Therapy. 

“[W]hen you’re little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. ‘Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mom, I’ll clean up! Let me stay up!’ Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. ‘Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here. Sit down. Put that down.’ ”

Whenever I think about parenting, I think of the above quote by Jerry Seinfeld from one of his HBO specials. Doesn’t it just speak to the truth about parenting and the dynamic between kids and parents? As a parent, it can often feel like we spend the entire day trying to wrangle our youthful and energetic counterparts. To do that, it is not uncommon to use words such as “no,” “don’t,” and “stop.” But do you notice a common thread? The words and phrases we tend to fall back on are, at their core, negative. What parent wants to spend the whole day saying “no” to their child? What child wants to spend all day hearing “no”?

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As parents, many of us want to encourage our children to explore, grow, and learn, all while staying safe. In service of those goals, it is important to set boundaries and help guide our children to make healthy choices. While a quick “no,” “don’t,” or “stop” is often the fastest way to draw those boundaries and address unwanted behavior, it also may limit growth and can build resentment, rebellion, and frustration (on both sides).

So, if not “no,” then what?

1. Reframe the Boundary as a Positive Directive

Saying “no” tells your child what not to do, but does it teach them what you want them to do instead? The answer is—you guessed it—no. You want to both set the boundary and teach the behavior you want to see. Not only will it be a more positive interaction, but your child will know what you want from them in the future. Some examples:

• Instead of saying, “No running in the halls,” say, “We walk in the halls.”
• Instead of saying, “Don’t bounce the ball inside,” say, “We bounce the ball outside.”
• Instead of saying, “No candy before dinner,” say, “We eat sweets after dinner.”

2. Redirect Your Child

Instead of getting into the “no” power struggle, simply redirect your child’s attention to another, more appropriate activity.

What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do.

3. Model the Appropriate Behavior

As the saying goes, your actions speak louder than your words. What your child sees you doing is likely to have a much greater impact than you telling them what not to do. I can’t tell you how many times I watch my toddler go to grab our dog’s tail and want to yell out, “No, stop!” Instead, I take a moment to walk over and show her how to pet Cooper while saying, “Cooper likes to have his back pet gently.” Or, “See how Mommy is petting Cooper?” You can also model without directly calling attention to it. Remember, your child is always watching you and taking a cue for how to act. As another example, if you don’t want them to have their phone at the table, you should not have your phone at the table.

4. Give Choices

Children like to feel in control of themselves and their surroundings, and hearing “no” can lead to frustration and sometimes power struggles. To help set boundaries but also give your child room for control, offer a choice. Instead of saying, “No throwing the ball in the house,” try saying, “You can either roll the ball in the house or take it outside to throw it.” This is a strategy I frequently use with my toddler. My daughter often likes to walk independently when we are out, but her walk often turns into a sprint and it can be quite dangerous. So, instead of saying, “No running,” I give her a choice to either walk and hold my hand or be carried. I give her the power of choice, and she is often content with the decision she gets to make.

Conclusion

Of course, it is impossible to refrain from negative directives altogether, and sometimes “no” is an important and necessary response to children. However, recognize that both you and your child are likely to feel better and your child will likely learn more if you use some of the strategies above.

For more ideas to help you achieve desired behavioral outcomes with children, contact a licensed therapist who specializes in this area.

Reference:

Callner, M. (1998). Jerry Seinfeld: I’m telling you for the last time. [TV Special]. USA: Home Box Office.