I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong. Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing. You can heal and move forward without ever receiving closure from another person.

Finding closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you.

What Finding Closure Really Means

Finding closure is not synonymous with healing, and it is not something another person can hand to you. Whether you are processing the end of a relationship, a loss, or a painful experience, the search for closure after a breakup or any significant chapter can feel elusive and out of reach.

Closure does not come from an outside source. It comes from realizing what took place, leaving it there, and choosing not to carry it with you. That is not an easy thing to do. But it is possible.

Forgiveness, Healing, and Finding Closure

Forgiveness is a change of heart. Healing is an internal recovery. And closure is the ability to move on. Sometimes you can forgive, but that does not mean forgetting is always an option. It just means that you choose not to become bitter.

Healing is what happens when forgiveness takes place. But closure takes time. If you choose not to forgive, it breeds resentment and vitriol, which leads to bitterness. Letting go of that resentment and learning how to forgive is a significant step toward healing. Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that practicing forgiveness is linked to lower anxiety, less depression, and greater emotional well-being.

Is Closure Really a Myth?

Sometimes people wait for the clouds to part and the light to shine on them, for everything to become butterflies and rainbows, before they allow themselves to feel closure. But closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending.

I came across a quote that challenged me deeply:

This was hard to fully agree with at first. I felt like it was saying that words did not matter, like “sticks and stones.” But what this quote is really saying is that you get the closure from witnessing their actions, their true self. And when you realize that, finding closure becomes less about what they say and more about what you choose to see.

Turning the Page: Finding Closure as a Choice

Realizing that has given me the understanding that finding closure is the choice to stop perseverating on the past, coupled with the choice to move forward. Just like reading a book: each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page.

It is the ending of a chapter, not the end of the story. Your life is the book. What was is the past. And what will be is yet to be read.

What Finding Closure Gives You

I can say that I have forgiven it. I can say that I have healed. And now, I can say that I have closure.

Does this mean I will forget it? No. Does this mean there is no scar? No. Does this mean that because the chapter is over it never happened? No.

It means that because I will remember, because I have scars, and because I experienced that chapter, I have more wisdom moving forward. Working on forgiving to help yourself heal is not about erasing what happened. It is about choosing what you carry forward. The American Psychological Association notes that processing grief and loss is an active journey, one that requires making meaning of what happened rather than simply waiting for the pain to pass.

I now have the ability to not see the world through a tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief. It means I can move forward and embark on a new chapter, looking forward to what comes next, instead of dreading it.

Closure to me is not just the ability to move on.

Closure is finding peace.

Josiah Dicken MA, LPCC View Profile →

About the Author Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC · Colorado Springs, CO Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, LLC in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate life’s challenges using a personalized, evidence-based approach. Josiah is known for creating a safe, non-judgmental space where clients feel heard, validated, and empowered to heal, grow, and move forward.

Breakups and Closure 

Breakups are hard. It’s rare to come out of a relationship where either party feels great at the time of the breakup, let alone both parties. Even when you are the one doing the breaking up, there are often some difficult feelings involved, such as guilt, ambivalence, fear, sadness, anger, etc. When you are on the receiving end, it’s not uncommon for these feelings to be amplified, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming. When we are struggling with a breakup, we just want the pain to go away.  We seek answers for what happened. We look for evidence of what went wrong or signs that things will change. We try to push ourselves to move on to the next person. We crave closure! 

What is Closure? 

It can be easy to confuse escaping the pain of a breakup with closure. Closure doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t feel sad or disappointed that the relationship ended. Rather, closure means that we know and accept that the relationship has ended, and we can leave it in the past and move on with our lives.  

The experience of closure may look different from person to person, and, in some ways, it is easier to explain what closure is not, rather than what closure is. Closure means that we are no longer preoccupied with thoughts of the relationship or breakup. We are not rehashing what went wrong, questioning what we could have done or said differently, wondering what the other person is doing, trying to reach out to our exes to get questions answered, etc. The relationship and breakup are not taking up more real estate in our brains than any other past relationship or breakup.   

Closure does not always mean that we are ready to go out and meet someone new. We can have closure and allow ourselves a period to be alone, if we are doing it for ourselves (i.e., without the hope of reconciliation), with the knowledge that we will want to love again and that we can and will find love again.  

Closure frees us from the emotional pain of the relationship, allows us to learn more about what we need in a future relationship, and brings us closer to finding the right person for us.  

Giving Closure When Ending a Relationship 

It is difficult to try to give someone else closure in a breakup because we can’t know how the other person will feel or take the breakup. They may still search for answers, blame you or themselves, or hold out hope. However, it is helpful for everyone to try to give some closure in a breakup, no matter the reason for the breakup. Whether you are conflicted about the relationship ending or can’t get out of the relationship fast enough, closure helps free you from the emotional entanglement of the relationship and ensures that you are both able to move in different directions.   

Ways to help bring someone else closer to closure at the time of the breakup. 

• Be clear that the relationship is permanently over. Do not try to soften the blow by throwing in temporary time frames that leave the possibility of a future reconciliation.  
• Provide a reason for the breakup but try to avoid blame in either direction. Blaming a partner leads to them asking questions about themselves and what they could have done differently. Blaming yourself can make it seem as if you or the relationship can be “fixed” leaving hope of a future reconciliation. Instead of blame, be clear that you just aren’t a good fit for one another, and it won’t work out. 
• Do not ask or offer to remain friends. This isn’t fair to either party, especially if you weren’t friends before the relationship. Should you bump into each other one day down the road and decide to have a friendship, that is one thing, but it is important to sever contact in the immediate wake of a breakup. This includes following on social media.

Getting Closure 

We aren’t always given sufficient closure in relationships and often need to find it for ourselves. To do this, it is important to be clear about what it means. To have closure, we do not have to know, agree with, understand, or accept the reason why the relationship ended, we only must truly know, understand, and accept the fact that the relationship is permanently over and leave it in the past. Leaving the relationship in the past is often the part where we struggle when we are trying to find closure for ourselves. When we get caught up in trying to figure out answers, rehashing details, or believing that we won’t find closure until we feel good about the breakup, we are preventing ourselves from finding closure. These beliefs keep the relationship very active in our minds (instead of in the past) and keep us feeling stuck. 

Strategies for Finding Closure 

• Cut ties with the ex- Do not remain friends. Do not meet up for any reason. Do not reach out for questions or to get answers. Unfollow on social media. 
• Fill your time with things you love doing- make plans with friends, take up a new hobby, learn something new, and find some new TV shows to watch.  
• Allow yourself some time to feel bad- accept that breakups are hard and give yourself the space to feel that rather than fighting it.  
• Make your home as comfortable as possible- Since you may initially find yourself spending more time at home, treat it like a sanctuary. Get rid of reminders of your ex and bring in small things that make you smile and feel good about yourself. 
• Get support. Reach out to friends and family when you need to share your feelings. Have them also hold you accountable for any self-sabotaging behaviors that prolong closure (e.g., ruminating, obsessing, seeking answers, initiating contact with your ex, etc.).    
• Reflect, but don’t obsess. Think about what worked for you in the relationship and what didn’t. Make note of those things for the next relationship. 
• Remind yourself that, ultimately, the relationship ended because this wasn’t the right person for you. Leaving the relationship allows you the opportunity to find a relationship that better meets your needs.