Step 1: Establish and Maintain Firm Boundaries in Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Establishing clear boundaries while co-parenting with a narcissist is crucial for emotional safety and stability.

A person with narcissistic traits often views boundaries as challenges to their control. Your ability to create and enforce clear boundaries becomes your most powerful protective tool.

Strong boundaries can protect you and your children when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Be Direct and Unemotional

When setting boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent, clarity and emotional neutrality are essential. State your boundary clearly and calmly: “I am not going to discuss this while you are yelling. I am hanging up now, and we can talk when you are calm.” Then, crucially, follow through immediately.

The follow-through matters more than the words. Narcissistic individuals test boundaries constantly, so consistency proves you mean what you say.

Don’t Explain or Justify

Avoid getting pulled into arguments or debates about your boundaries. Lengthy explanations provide manipulation opportunities. The boundary is non-negotiable, not because you’re being difficult, but because it protects your family’s emotional health.

When you justify boundaries, you’re implying they’re up for discussion. They’re not.

Remember Your “Why”

Adhering to boundaries with a narcissistic co-parent will be uncomfortable. You’ll likely face gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes as making someone question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

You may also encounter guilt trips, condescending behavior, or accusations of being “difficult” or “unreasonable.” Remind yourself regularly: you’re not doing this to punish them. You’re protecting your children and yourself from emotional manipulation and creating a healthier environment.

Step 2: Validate Your Children’s Reality

Co-parenting with a narcissist means being vigilant about your children’s emotional needs and offering them the validation they may not receive from their other parent.

Children of narcissistic parents often feel their feelings, thoughts, and very identity are invisible or “wrong.” Your role as the other parent is to be a consistent source of validation and unconditional love.

Children’s self-esteem is profoundly influenced by how their parents respond to them. When one parent is narcissistic, the other parent’s validation becomes even more critical.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

When your child expresses hurt or frustration about their interactions with the narcissistic parent, validate their emotions: “It makes sense that you feel upset about that” or “I see how hard you’re working, and I’m proud of you.”

Never dismiss their feelings, even when you’re trying to keep peace. Your validation teaches them to trust their emotional experiences, a crucial life skill that research from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University shows is fundamental to building resilience.

Separate Their Worth from Their Performance

Narcissistic parents often tie a child’s value to their performance or how the child makes the parent look. Counter this damaging message consistently.

Remind your children that their worth is inherent and not dependent on grades, athletic achievement, appearance, or living up to someone else’s unrealistic expectations. Celebrate who they are, not just what they do.

Correct Unhealthy Messages

If your children have been told they’re “too sensitive,” “not good enough,” or that their emotions are problems, gently counter these messages.

Without directly criticizing the other parent (which can backfire), you might say: “It’s important to learn how to manage emotions well, and yelling is an example of not managing them well. You are not broken or ‘less than’ because you have feelings. Feelings are information, and learning to understand them is a strength.”

Step 3: Prioritize Your Own Healing and Growth

Your healing journey is crucial in the context of co-parenting with a narcissist, where emotional turmoil can affect everyone involved.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. To be a strong, resilient anchor for your children while co-parenting with a narcissist, you must invest in your own well-being. This isn’t selfish, it’s essential.

Focus on What You Can Control

You cannot control another person’s behavior, manipulations, or emotional outbursts. But you can absolutely control your response. This shift in focus is incredibly empowering and reduces the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship.

The concept of the “locus of control”, whether you believe events are controlled by your own actions or external forces, significantly impacts mental health. Research published in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that an internal locus of control is associated with better psychological outcomes.

Build Your Own Self-Esteem

The most powerful defense against narcissistic manipulation is a strong sense of self. Engage in activities you love, set and achieve personal goals, and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.

When your self-worth comes from within rather than external validation, narcissistic tactics lose their power over you. Mental Health America offers excellent resources on self-care practices that support mental wellness.

The Secret to Understanding the Narcissist

Understanding that narcissistic behavior often stems from incredible insecurity can help you emotionally detach from their manipulation. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it prevents you from internalizing their criticisms or taking their actions personally.

Your goal isn’t to force them to change, it’s to change your response and speak life into your children.

Step 4: Seek Professional Support for Co-Parenting with a Narcissist

Seeking professional support tailored to co-parenting with a narcissist can make a significant difference in how well you manage interactions.

You don’t have to walk this challenging path alone. Navigating co-parenting with a narcissistic individual while protecting your children’s emotional health requires tools and perspective that professional support can provide.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) provides a national helpline (1-800-662-4357) that offers free, confidential, 24/7 support and can connect you with local mental health resources.

A qualified therapist can help you:

• Develop effective communication strategies that minimize conflict
• Set and maintain healthy boundaries without guilt
• Process the emotional toll of the co-parenting relationship
• Recognize manipulation tactics and respond strategically
• Build resilience for yourself and your children
• Create a parenting plan that protects your children’s interests

Professional support also provides a safe space for your children to heal, process their experiences, and learn that their feelings are valid. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers excellent resources on personality disorders and their impact on families.

Finding professionals who understand the intricacies of co-parenting with a narcissist will help you navigate this challenging relationship.

Legal and Practical Considerations

When co-parenting with a narcissist, documentation becomes essential. Keep detailed records of all communications, agreements, and concerning incidents. Many family law attorneys recommend using court-approved co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, which create timestamped, unalterable records of all communications.

If safety concerns arise, the Office on Women’s Health provides resources for creating safety plans and understanding your legal options. Remember that emotional abuse is just as serious as physical abuse, and protective measures may be necessary.

Building an Unshakeable Foundation

You and your children deserve peace, emotional safety, and healing. The greatest defense against the negative effects of narcissism isn’t winning arguments or changing the other person, it’s building an unshakeable sense of self-worth for yourself and your children.

When co-parenting with a narcissist, remember:

• Your boundaries protect your family’s emotional space
• Your children need validation more than they need you to keep the peace at all costs
• Your healing directly impacts your children’s resilience
• Professional support isn’t a luxury, it’s a strategic investment in your family’s future

Every step you take toward establishing boundaries, validating your children, and prioritizing healing creates ripples of positive change. You’re not just surviving this co-parenting situation, you’re modeling strength, self-respect, and emotional intelligence for your children.

That’s a legacy worth fighting for.

Putting Kids First: Choosing Martial Partnerships and Co-Parenting over Divorce

As many couples find out the hard way, the spark that led to them falling in love and getting married doesn’t always last forever. 

Should you find yourself in such a scenario, you typically have three options:  

• Work on repairing the relationship. 
• File for divorce. 
• Give a marital partnership or co-parenting a try. 

While splitting up is difficult for any couple, it’s much harder when kids are in the picture because of the way they might respond to the situation. It’s not uncommon, for example, for some children to think that they themselves are the reason their parents are getting divorced. 

To be sure, divorce is definitely warranted in some cases — particularly if you’re keen on dissolving legal bonds with your spouse. If you simply can’t get along with your partner any longer, you may be better off divorcing so that you don’t expose your kids to chronic conflict, which can have disastrous effects on their development.  

That said, a clear-cut divorce isn’t always the best option. To give their children the love and support they need to grow up to be healthy, contributing members of society, more and more couples are embracing alternative approaches to parenthood. 

Should We Stay Together? Lifestyle Alternatives to Divorce 

According to the New York Times, divorce rates have been on a downward trend of late. On one hand, this is due to the uncertainty of the pandemic, as couples decide to weather the storm together. On the other, it’s because more and more parents are pursuing more modern types of relationships, including marital partnerships and co-parenting agreements.  

Marital partnerships 

Also known as a parenting marriage, a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. Also known as a parenting marriage (a concept developed by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW), a marital partnership is a non-romantic marriage where the parents stay together and live as a family for the sake of their children. From the outside, a parenting marriage looks exactly the same as a traditional marriage. When you’re in a parenting marriage, you still go out to dinner and the movies together as a family, for example. 

Though they are difficult for both spouses, marital partnerships deliver a number of benefits to children. Not only do they ensure kids have a consistent, stable upbringing, but they also ensure that both parents are present during important activities and events. 

Co-parenting 

Of course, living with someone you’re no longer in love with doesn’t necessarily appeal to everyone. Depending on the circumstances leading to the split, it might not even be worth it to even try.  

In these circumstances, it’s still possible to maintain a healthy, civil relationship with your spouse after a divorce by embracing a concept called co-parenting, which is also known as platonic parenting. 

Like the name suggests, platonic parenting is the process of two parents coming together amicably to raise their kids together. While parents might get legally divorced and live in different places, they both raise their kids together, seeing each other often in both public and private settings. This provides the stability and continuity kids need to lead healthy lives. 

Co-parenting is not without its challenges. Chief among them is the fact that co-parents need to be respectful to each other at all times and never disparage their ex in front of their kids. But with the right approach to co-parenting, you can teach your kids great lessons about constructive problem-solving and how to communicate effectively while also reducing the stress and anxiety that would result from a more significant split. 

What Do Kids Really Need from Their Parents? 

At the end of the day, whether you decide to work on your marriage, try a parenting marriage, or become co-parents ultimately is not all that important. What matters most is that you are able to give your kids the childhood they deserve. 

Whatever approach you take, it’s important to keep your kids safe, listen to them and spend time with them, and provide affection, order, and consistency. You also need to set and enforce limits, understand how your children spend their free time, and stay on top of any medical and mental health concerns. 

If you’re in a hard place in your relationship and don’t know what to do, all hope isn’t lost. Talking to a therapist can help you figure out the best path forward. The right therapist will be able to help you determine what you want, what aligns with your values, and how to make it happen in a healthy way that doesn’t hurt your children. 

Ready to give therapy a try? Search for a qualifed therapist in your community today. 

By Bren M. Chasse, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Art of Effective Co-Parenting

“Co-parenting is not a competition. It’s a collaboration of two homes working together with the best interest of the child at heart.” — Heather Hetchler

In a day and age where long-term marriages are the exception and not the rule, the issue of co-parenting is one I see every day. In fact, my practice is overflowing with families trying to navigate the challenges of effective co-parenting. Even the most amicable divorce can trigger feelings of abandonment, anger, betrayal, grief, and loss—all difficult emotions to navigate. Supporting your children through these difficult emotions while simultaneously experiencing them can feel almost impossible at times.

Co-Parenting Is Hard

Let me begin by saying the art of effective co-parenting is not an easy topic, nor is it by any means an easy task! The feelings following separation or divorce are often still very raw—and may be exacerbated if the end of the relationship was characterized by a high level of conflict. Working cooperatively with someone you no longer hold in the highest regard can be very difficult—but your children are counting on you to put your own feelings aside to attend to their needs. 

Co-Parenting Is Worth It

Effective co-parenting mandates a level of maturity and strength that requires each partner to put their egos aside and come together to present a united front to the children. Your little humans are looking to you both to assure them that, regardless of changes in the family structure or dynamics in your relationship with each other, they can count on you to provide structure, consistency, safety, protection from conflict and other adult matters, and a sense of grounded stability. They are counting on you to work as a cohesive team. I’m not suggesting that you and your co-parent have to remain best friends. What I am recommending is that you find a way to unify and come together around your children to ensure both of you consistently meet their needs—and sometimes this means stepping up your game and redefining your definition of teamwork with your co-parent so that your ability to meet your children’s needs together exceeds your ability to do so when you shared an intimate relationship. 

Five Tips for Effective Co-Parenting

#1: Never let your children hear you speak negatively about your co-parent. 

This is one of the most common and most damaging things I see occur in dysfunctional co-parenting relationships. Under most circumstances, children experience love and a deep, primal connection to both parents. Even at a young age, they understand that they are a product of you both. Making disparaging comments about your co-parent may cause your child to question your love for them. It also puts your child in a position to feel as though they must defend their other parent. I guarantee they will grow to resent you for this over time. Overtly or covertly expressing your disapproval for your co-parent to your children causes them to feel trapped in the middle of the conflict and responsible for negotiating co-parenting issues, an adult responsibility for which they are ill-equipped. Children should never be tasked with negotiating issues between their parents.  

#2: Enforce the expectation that your children respect you both. 

Building on the first tip, it’s equally important to enforce an expectation that your children respect not only your parental authority but also that of your co-parent. This can be challenging, as you want to allow a space for your children to freely express the big emotions they are experiencing. At the same time, teaching your children how to express these emotions appropriately is an important life skill. Children of divorce will often test the limits of the co-parenting relationship by expressing feelings of hatred toward one parent or another. It’s important to challenge your child to identify that they may be frustrated or hate one parent’s behavior but that it’s not appropriate to make disparaging remarks toward or about their parent. When this occurs, children are often attempting to determine if you remain aligned with your co-parent when it comes to matters concerning them or if there is a crack in the alignment that they may be able to exploit. Children do not engage in this behavior with malicious intent. Instead, they are seeking validation that they remain safe and protected from any challenges between you and your co-parent.

#3: Be consistent in the rules and expectations between homes. 

This requires frequent and effective communication. If your child gets in trouble at one home, the other parent must enforce the consequences when your child returns. For example, if your daughter loses “screen time” for two days for talking disrespectfully to her mom, it’s essential you enforce the punishment if it falls during the time she is in your care. By doing so, you prevent your daughter from splitting your united front and capitalizing on any conflict between you and your co-parent. My Parental Handoff Worksheet may help support effective communication and positive exchanges between homes.

#4: Show up—ALWAYS show up! 

Showing up is one of the most important things you can do for your child. Do not make your child choose which parent will attend major milestones and life events—and don’t trade off. Not only will you miss out on some of your child’s most important moments, but they will as well. Your child doesn’t want to have to sacrifice when it comes to the defining moments in their lives; don’t make them. Even at a young age, your children expect that you can put any anger, ego, or resentment toward your co-parent aside to celebrate them—particularly in the big moments. Your child needs to know that they are so precious to you that you’re willing to put your feelings aside and be a little uncomfortable for an afternoon. They need to know they can trust you will always show up when it really matters. 

#5: Recognize if you and your co-parenting partner need additional support! 

Raising children to thrive in their environment is a challenge under the best circumstances. Reaching out for support, and doing it early, doesn’t suggest a parenting fail—instead, it suggests you understand the stakes are high and you aren’t willing to take any chances with your child’s well-being. There are resources available to support you through a difficult process; make use of them. 

When Your Co-Parent Isn’t Onboard

Of course, what I’ve said up to this point speaks to the ideal situation after divorce or separation. But what happens when one parent is willing to do the work and the other parent is not? The answer is simple but often painfully to execute—you never give up hope. Continue to move forward parenting your child in the best way possible because you and your child deserve and need to heal. At the same time, you leave the door open to the other parent with the hope that they will one day do their own work and be willing to sit at the table with you. It’s ok to be frustrated and angry because it’s really not fair—but at the end of the day, kids don’t care about fair; they need you to be present and always show up for them. When you become a parent, it’s no longer about you—your priority becomes your child’s needs and best interest. You will make mistakes along the way. Your children don’t need you to be perfect; they need you to never give up and always love them unconditionally and unapologetically.

Infographic Provided By Goldberg Law Office

References

Hetchler, H. (2014, September 26-28).  Full-time stepmom [Conference session]. The Stepmom Retreat, Asheville, NC, United States.

Changes in your life and relationships, even good ones, can present a real challenge. If you’re struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Find a therapist in your area today.

I work daily with people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Some grew up in a household with a narcissistic parent. Others are married to someone with narcissism. Still others may simply have a close relationship with a person who is emotionally abusive and has traits of narcissism.

Despite their unique personal circumstances, they are all are seeking help to address and heal from the effects a narcissistic relationship has had on their lives. They generally come to therapy looking not only for help, but also for answers to their questions. In this article, I address eight of the most common questions I am asked by people seeking support for narcissistic and emotional abuse.

1. How do I get my parent/partner/best friend to change?

You cannot change another person. You can only change your own actions and responses, and that can be hard enough! Instead of trying to get someone else to change, I encourage you to simply let that person be who they are. A person who does not want to change will probably not change. Your job is to take care of yourself.

2. How can I keep my children from being hurt by someone with narcissism?

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Children tend to be influenced by the people they are around. If you are concerned about your co-parent’s actions and behavior, or if you have reason to believe they are consistently lying and attempting to manipulate your children, you may be dealing with parental alienation syndrome. Some parents with narcissistic traits use this complex form of covert manipulation as a tool to encourage children to reject the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome shares similarities with brainwashing and can have a serious impact on the parent-child relationship.

If you are the other parent in this scenario, then this can be a challenging situation. The best approach to dealing with this type of abuse is to limit the other parent’s influence on the child. If that not possible, here are some suggestions:

1. Teach your children critical thinking skills.
2. Demonstrate a safe, empathic, non-controlling relationship with your children.
3. Focus on the relationship you have with your children. Try to be more “in tune” with your kids. Spend quality time with them.
4. Relax and enjoy yourself, your kids, and your life.
5. Be the adult. Don’t put yourself in the one-down position. Don’t put yourself in the same position as your children in the family system either.
6. Keep your power. Don’t give it to the other parent.
7. Seek support from a therapist or counselor. Family therapy can also be helpful.

3. What do I say to them when they text or call? 

If you are dealing with a person who is emotionally abusive or manipulative, going “no contact” may be the best solution. Block the person from your phone and on social media. This way you will not have to worry about receiving texts, calls, or messages. If you ever see the person while out, it may be a good idea to avoid them.

If you must talk to this person, keep conversations short, simple, and on topic. Hold on to yourself during the encounter. Don’t get sucked in by attempts to manipulate you. If possible, consider including a third person in the meeting. Ideally, this person is someone you trust to remain non-combative, whose presence can help you remain grounded.

4. How do I handle or respond to the silent treatment?

The best thing to do with the silent treatment is to avoid it. If you know someone you care about is prone to manipulating you with the silent treatment, then you can simply avoid it by staying away from the person when they attempt to use silent treatment. Being in contact with someone who has narcissistic traits is often complicating and confusing. The silent treatment is a powerful manipulation tool. It is a hurtful control tactic. People experiencing silent treatment may feel like they have to do whatever the narcissist wants in order to establish connection again.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal.

If it is not possible for you to avoid this person, one solution may be to leave the room if you are pointedly being ignored. Surround yourself with safe people instead. The best way to counteract the silent treatment is to take your focus off the other person, connect to someone else, and move on. It may help to remind yourself that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is not something you “earned” or “deserved” for something you did or did not do.

5. How do I co-parent with a narcissist?

It is, in most cases, extremely difficult to co-parent with someone who has narcissistic traits. Collaboration and cooperation is often not possible. You have to parent in spite of the fact that the other parent has “issues.” Some people feel as if their children really only have one parent, as in many cases people with narcissism may not be capable of healthy parenting. It’s important to have a support system, especially if, for whatever reason, you have to continue to see and parent with the person (shared custody, for example). A therapist or counselor is often a key part of this support.

6. How do I break free from a narcissistic relationship?

People with narcissism are often described as addictive. The constant cycle of good-bad behavior can create a trauma bond.

The “addiction” to the person with narcissism is really an addiction to the brain chemistry attached to the anticipation and traumatic bonding within the relationship. When a relationship is unfulfilling, you may be left with a constant state of emptiness. This emptiness is temporarily relieved by each positive encounter with the person. In order to overcome this, it may be necessary to entirely abstain. But this can be a difficult journey.

When a relationship feels fulfilling and good, chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins are released in the brain. But chemicals released when trying to detach from a toxic bond, such as cortisol (the stress hormone), are vastly different. They do not feel as good as the “love chemicals,” and you may feel drawn back in to the relationship.

Remind yourself that you may not feel very good for a while. You may experience feelings of withdrawal and grief. But you will heal in time. Turning to friends and family, other members of your support system, practicing self-care, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor are all ways you can work through a difficult breakup.

7. How do I heal from growing up with a narcissistic parent?

Children of narcissistic parents have been developed and conditioned to always evaluate reality based on external reactions. They have learned to use the narcissistic parent as the barometer for how to act and be.

In order to healing to take place, learning to change the vantage point for your identity is an essential step. In other words, it’s important to remember to look within for answers. This shift from what you’ve learned to do in childhood will typically take time and practice to master.

Here are some suggestions to help you on your journey:

• Find your voice.
• Learn how you may have dissociated and/or developed “sub-selves” to cope.
• Work to develop an inner compassionate voice.
• Create self-care mantras: “You are enough.” “You’re not responsible for their feelings.” “It’s not your fault.”
• Connect with safe people, and share your emotions and feelings with them.
• Find a good therapist (who can help you with all of the above).
• Join a support group, such as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics.)

8. How do I recover from estrangement with my child?

Parents who have been affected by parental alienation may be estranged from their children. This can be very painful. Your emotional energy may be expended in wishing your child would realize the truth and reach out to you for reconciliation. You may feel hopeless or experience grief, depression, or despair.

A counselor can support you and help you work through your feelings. It can also help to:

1. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault.
2. Live the best life you can.
3. Keep lines of communication open.
4. Don’t allow yourself to be abused by your child.
5. Listen with empathy when and if your child talks to you. Allow them to state their feelings or the truth as they believe it, but do not tolerate disrespect.
6. Practice self-care. This can include spending time with loved ones, getting enough sleep, avoiding sad or triggering situations, or pursuing hobbies you enjoy, among other things.
7. Offer your love to others. In other words, you have emotional energy to expend in loving ways. Don’t hold it in.
8. Try not to give up hope. It can help to live each day with a heart that is open and ready for reconciliation. None of us know what tomorrow will bring.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic or emotional abuse can be challenging. But it is possible to heal. I encourage you to seek support through this difficult journey. Reach out to your loved ones, and seek the help of a compassionate counselor. You are not alone!

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References:

1. Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the narcissist’s nightmare. New York, NY: Archer Publishing.
2. Carnes, P.(1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free from exploitative relationships. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.
3. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA:  Oaksong Press.
4. Cori, J. L. (2017). The emotionally absent mother: How to recognize and heal the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect. New York, NY: The Experiment, LLC.

Little research on narcissistic parental alienation exists, and many who have experienced this aspect of narcissism are desperate to find help. This article is written to address the issue from a psychological perspective only, in an effort to provide those coping with this situation with tips and strategies. However, it is also possible to seek legal assistance.

What Is Parental Alienation?

Narcissistic parental alienation syndrome refers to the psychological manipulation of a child by an alienating parent (the narcissistic parent). The manipulation typically results in the child’s rejection, disdain, and lack of empathy toward the other, targeted parent.

While parental alienation may occur even when narcissism is not a factor, for the purposes of this article, I will discuss parental alienation that has been instigated by a narcissistic parent.

If you are the “targeted” parent of this syndrome, or if you are trying to help a targeted parent, then the following strategies may be helpful.

You may have to engage, even if you prefer to avoid conflict.

Some of the alienated parents I’ve worked with have called this a battle, while others found this term too light and preferred “war.” Even when you don’t want to fight with your co-parent, their behavior may force you to take action to maintain custody or visitation of your children.

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You might have tried to collaborate with your co-parent. You might have suggested finding a therapist together and even tried bringing them to relationship or family counseling. But if the person with narcissism doesn’t want to participate in therapy, does not believe they have done anything wrong, or has no desire to change, you are unlikely to get very far. It helps to understand you do not have a “typical” situation on your hands. The person with narcissism may have already managed to manipulate or damage your sense of self in many ways. You might feel as if they have dashed your dreams for love and crushed your heart. What do you do now that they also seem bound and determined to take away the children you value more than anything else?

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children. You will have to figure out how to parent your children in spite of the feelings you have for the other parent and the feelings and behaviors they are demonstrating toward you.

A good place to begin is to figure out how to make peace with reality. It’s generally unhelpful to ruminate over the unfairness of it all, your feelings of hatred and hurt, or the fact things have become so difficult. You will likely have these negative thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but you may be able to better process them by talking them over with friends and family or your counselor and by keeping track of them in a journal.

Create a plan and develop your resources.

Dealing with parental alienation is not easy. It can be exceedingly painful when your children resist your attempts to connect or view you as the “bad” parent, which is often the case. In your hurt, or out of a wish to do what’s best for your children, you might wonder if it’s better to give up the fight. But this could mean giving up custody, your right to parent your own children or even see them as much as you’d like.

Battles cannot be fought alone. You will need many resources to navigate the difficult terrain that lies ahead. Some potential resources include allies, legal experts, strong boundaries, self-care strategies, a good counselor, parenting strategies, and personal strength. If a person is manipulating you as well as your children, the manipulation may reach a point where you feel as if you are unable to trust in your own reality. Having a friend or family member present when you need to have discussions with your co-parent may be a helpful way to stay grounded. A good counselor can help you explore the best ways to talk about the situation with your children and may also recommend family counseling.

It can also be helpful to join a support group for parents affected by parental alienation. If you can’t find one locally, you may still be able to find helpful resources and web support. If you can find people who’ve experienced similar situations, their advice may be helpful, at least as a form of support.

Develop a plan, with the help of your counselor and legal aid, to address and face and allegations that may be made against you. Do you have proof to counter claims you know to be lies? Track down proof. Keep a record of any incidents or contradictory statements, without engaging or participating in conflict with your co-parent. Arrange to have a friend or trusted family member when you meet your co-parent to pick up or drop off your children. This can be a good idea for your own well-being and safety, but a witness may also be useful in the event of a legal battle.

The bottom line is, having supportive friends and family can help you get through this challenge. You need these people so you can process your feelings, receive good counsel, and develop a plan to move forward.

Take good care of yourself.

I believe it’s especially important to remember to love yourself through this chapter of your life. Practice forgiveness toward yourself for small mistakes you may have made in the past, as a spouse or as a parent, and offer yourself compassion and understanding instead. If your relationship was characterized by abuse, remember that you are out of it now. Reminding yourself of your resolve to live abuse-free can be a good first step, but then remind yourself that this can extend to include any harsh self-criticism that exists within your own mind. Remember: self-compassion is essential for moving forward.

Your physical health is also important. To maintain good physical health, try to eat nutritious foods and get plenty of sleep and exercise. Be mindful of the link between emotional and physical health: having affirming, safe people in your circle of influence can help you stay positive and keep your wits about you. It can be even more difficult to withstand the pressure if you aren’t taking good care of your health—emotional and physical—so commit to making self-care a top priority.

It’s not a simple task to co-parent with a hostile adversary, and it can be even more difficult when you want to keep what you’re feeling from spilling over to affect your children.

If you are a religious or spiritual person, turning to spiritual or religious leaders in your community and the higher power you believe in can help you feel both stronger and not alone. Whether you meditate, pray, or connect in some other way, many find it beneficial to “fill” empty psychological reserves in this spiritual way.

Use wisdom.

Think back to strategies your co-parent may have used to manipulate you in the past and remember not to allow these same tactics to work on you now. It may be difficult to realize you are being manipulated as it’s happening, especially when you are primarily concerned for your children. Try to use your own feelings as a guide. Do you feel angry, confused, guilty, or ashamed? Take a moment to consider why you feel that way.

If you believe you are being manipulated, don’t allow yourself to react heatedly, but plan ahead for when the same strategies might be used with your children. Talk over your options with your counselor. Developing firm boundaries and sticking to them can help you avoid “traps.”

If, over the course of the relationship you had with your co-parent, you gained knowledge of the particular tactics they used—lying, gaslighting, boundary violation, anger, or playing the victim, to name a few–you may be able to use this knowledge, even if only to prepare and forewarn yourself.

You may feel anger and other similar emotions toward the other parent. You may have chosen to practice forgiveness. You may understand their actions stem from a mental health concern, such as narcissism. Regardless of how you think of the situation, it can be helpful to remain calm when dealing with the co-parent in person. Try to contain your emotions and feelings instead of giving them the reaction they may be seeking.

Know your weaknesses.

The other parent likely already knows your weaknesses, and they may attempt to use these against you.

I believe that the best way to counteract exploitation of your weaknesses is to know these weaknesses yourself. Be honest and open with yourself. If this is something you struggle with, it can help to explore this with your counselor. Developing your personal strength can help you learn to accept your weaknesses as part of you and embrace them. If there are aspects of these you can and would like to change, you can work on a plan to do so.

But even simply acknowledging your areas of weakness is a great exercise in self-acceptance. Once you can embrace your own fears and perceived faults, these things are likely to lose any hold they have on you. If you are okay with yourself, with all of who you are, it will be much more difficult for someone to use any aspect of your self against you.

Don’t lose focus on your strengths, either, as you consider your weaknesses.

Don’t compete.

Sometimes parents attempt to buy the loyalty of their child(ren) by pulling out all the bells and whistles when it comes to promises, gifts, and privileges. The parent may not explicitly state these things are exchanged for the children’s loyalty, but this is generally implied or clearly communicated non-verbally.

It can be difficult to resist the urge to compete, but instead, try to focus on yourself and your own parenting values. It is still important for you to understand the dilemma your children are facing. Without a full understanding of the situation, these bells and whistles are attractive to them. Understand this, and also the manipulative tactics at play.

What may bring you greater peace of mind than an attempt to compete with your co-parent is consideration of what you have to offer your children. What are your personal strengths and values? While they may not be tangible or have monetary value, “gifts” of intrinsic value will sustain your children throughout their lives:

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day.

1. Empathy
2. Validation
3. Love
4. Security
5. Stability
6. Kindness
7. Strength
8. Good role-modeling
9. Truth
10. Presence
11. Attunement
12. Healthy attachment
13. Abuse-free environment

Your children may not immediately recognize the worth of these values, but be constant in your demonstration of love and affection for them, and commit to practicing these values, even when it is difficult.

Enjoy your life.

No matter what is going on in your personal life, particularly with regards to the challenges you are facing with your co-parent and children, it can help to avoid expending all of your energy focusing on what doesn’t work. Maintaining a positive attitude can be difficult, but try to practice gratitude by waking up each morning and welcoming the day. Notice the good things you do have and keep in mind the things in life you are thankful for, instead of focusing on the negative.

Another helpful practice is demonstrating resilience and confidence each day to your children. You do this by living these values, by genuinely showing your children your strength and love for them. Children may naturally gravitate toward strength. If you can show yourself and your children unwavering and positive strength through the process of living well, you may be able to minimize any damage caused by the other parent. This may, in fact, be one of the most important things you do for your children in the long run.

I hope some of these strategies are helpful as you attempt to manage the challenges that may come your way when co-parenting while experiencing parental alienation. Narcissistic abuse is often so personalized and insidious that it can be difficult for people who have not experienced it to fully understand how daunting and far-reaching it can be. Regardless of how much support you have, you may feel alone, as if other people in your life have no clue what you are up against.

But remember that you are not alone. Developing trust and faith in yourself, and prioritizing your well-being, can help you remain strong. If you aren’t already working with a compassionate therapist or counselor, finding one who has training or experience appropriate for your situation can also be of great benefit.

References:

1. Childress, C. A. (2015). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
2. Darnell, D. (2008). Symptoms of parental alienation. PsyCare. Retrieved from https://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/symptoms-parental-alienation.html
3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.

When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. Year after year, many marriages end because of various reasons. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.

Honoring that responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.

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Red Flags for Children

When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger; confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing.

So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.

When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance.

Consistency Is Key

It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.

Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.

Taking on New Parenting Roles

New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.

Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.

Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected. But if parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.