Married couple sitting on a couch in a cozy living room, engaged in a warm, intimate conversation while gently holding hands, symbolizing emotional closeness and strong communication. They are working on marriage tips.Strong marriages don’t just happen, they require intentional effort. These expert-backed marriage tips help build lasting emotional intimacy and commitment. As a licensed marriage and family therapist with 17 years of experience, I’ve witnessed countless couples transform their relationships using these ten foundational principles.

1. Prioritize Emotional Intimacy as Your Foundation

Emotional intimacy serves as the building block for everlasting love. This friendship component of romantic partnerships involves becoming an active listener who stays engaged during conversations. One of the most powerful marriage tips is to practice active listening without judgment. Practice asking curious, probing questions while refraining from immediately offering advice. This approach keeps your partner seeking your closeness and companionship.

Research shows that emotional connection significantly impacts relationship longevity. Studies by Dr. John Gottman demonstrate that couples who maintain emotional intimacy have better relationship outcomes, while the American Psychological Association reports that first marriages have significant divorce rates. When partners feel emotionally safe and understood, they’re more likely to maintain their bond through challenges.

2. Commitment forms the backbone of successful marriages.

True commitment manifests in multiple ways:

3. Keep Passion Alive Through Intentional Action

Passion often feels strongest during relationships’ early stages but tends to fade without conscious effort. Maintain healthy passion levels by making a deliberate commitment to being an engaging, affectionate partner.

Touch and kiss daily, verbally express your attraction, and prioritize physical intimacy when mutually desired. This closeness creates lasting feelings of love and affection that sustain your partnership.

4. Handle Conflict Constructively

Conflict is inevitable in healthy relationships, what matters is how you navigate disagreements. Among the most essential marriage tips is learning to handle disagreements constructively. Follow these evidence-based strategies:

  1. Practice empathy to understand your partner’s perspective
  2. Pay attention to nonverbal communication, as body language often conveys more than words
  3. Always take time to repair by taking accountability, acknowledging growth areas, apologizing sincerely, and reconnecting physically

5. Establish Strong Communication Patterns

Communication serves as the cornerstone of thriving marriages. Make daily check-ins a priority using the T.E.A.M. framework:

This structured approach, as marriage tips, ensures consistent communication that deepens understanding and connection.

6. Maintain Healthy Perspective

Before reacting emotionally, ask yourself: “Will this matter in five years?” Most issues that trigger immediate reactions won’t have lasting significance. Consider whether the conflict is worth potentially damaging your marriage.

Many couples seek therapy after arguments they can’t even remember starting. Learning to take perspective before reacting to triggers helps you let go of minor issues that don’t deserve major energy.

7. Live Proactively, Not Reactively

Proactive living means addressing relationship needs before they become problems. Touch base about upcoming days the night before to align expectations and stay connected.

Proactive strategies include:

8. Practice the “Give to Receive” Principle

Often, couples remain stuck in conflict because neither partner wants to be first to offer the closeness they’re craving. When you feel angry about unmet needs, try giving that exact need to your partner first.

This approach helps you practice self-satisfaction while creating space for your partner to reciprocate naturally. It breaks negative cycles and promotes positive relationship dynamics.

9. Support Individual Growth and Evolution

For love to last forever, you must allow space for your partner’s personal development. Support new interests, encourage trying different experiences, and embrace who your partner becomes at each life stage.

Blocking your partner’s evolution will ultimately block their love for you. Healthy relationships require both individual growth and couple development.

10. Pray for Your Partner (If Aligned with Your Beliefs)

Spiritual practices can strengthen emotional bonds when they align with your values. Taking moments to focus positive intentions on your partner’s health, happiness, growth, stability, peace, and mental clarity can enhance both your feelings toward them and their overall well-being.

This practice works regardless of specific religious beliefs, the key is channeling loving, supportive energy toward your partner’s highest good. Studies show that couples who engage in shared spiritual or mindful practices together report higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution skills.

show that couples who engage in spiritual practices together report 23% higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution skills.

Start Building Your Thriving Marriage Today

These ten principles provide a roadmap for creating the lasting, fulfilling marriage you desire. Remember that building emotional intimacy, maintaining commitment, and practicing conscious communication require ongoing effort from both partners.

If you’re struggling to implement these strategies or need additional support, consider working with a qualified marriage counselor who can provide personalized guidance for your unique situation. Find a licensed marriage counselor near you.

Ready to strengthen your relationship? Start with one principle today and gradually incorporate others as new habits develop!

Related Resources

 

GoodTherapy | How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating with your Partner “Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another”– Staci Lee Schnell 

In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.  So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.  Do you really want your partner to be a loser?  Wouldn’t it be better if your marriage was the winner?  If you stop fighting and start communicating with respect, you both win and more importantly, your marriage wins.  Communicating clearly and effectively with your spouse allows for a healthier and happier marriage.   

It’s perfectly okay and completely normal to have disagreements and different points of view from your partner.  Having different thoughts and ideas, shouldn’t be a cause for a fight but rather a cause for good conversations, where both of you are heard and validated.  Validation is essential in honoring your spouse’s different opinions.  But how can you validate them if you aren’t listening to them?  Active listening can alleviate interruptions, misunderstandings, and heated emotions as well as promote being in tune with your partner’s thoughts and feelings.  

 The following is a communication tool to try out that promotes active listening and validation: 

Step 1: Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.   Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.  Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes. 

Step 2: Partner B says, “What I heard you say is…” and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.  Then Partner B says, “Did I get it right?”  Partner A answers “yes” or “no”.  If yes, Partner B says “Is there anything else?”  Partner A answers “Yes” or “No”. If no, it’s time for step 3.  If Partner A answers no to “Did I get it right?” they stay calm, they don’t get upset at their partner, they simply try saying it in a different way.  Partner B tries again with, “What I heard you say” and “Did I get it right?”  Don’t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else.  

Step 3: Partner B now validates Partner A.  If an apology is needed, this is the time.  This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A, it merely means that Partner B shows their understanding of Partner A.   

Step 4: Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles. 

Step 5: Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action.  The next time this happens we are going to do this…, this is the decision, and compromise we are making…, we can agree to disagree. 

The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other. Instead of fighting, couples are communicating honestly and effectively with less defensiveness and anger.   Paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying allows for true validation.   

Validation communicates to your partner that the relationship is important, even if you do not agree with the issue or issues at hand.  Mutual validation is essential in a healthy and happy relationship because each feels heard, valued, and understood.  Feeling validated by your spouse can help one to feel appreciated, and loved and that their opinions are worthwhile.  

The timing of the above communication tool is truly important.  If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down.  Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions. Why am I upset? What am I trying to convey? What triggered me? How can I express myself clearly?  These questions will help you focus on what and how to say what has upset you, as well giving you the time you need to get calmer.   

Make sure to not sweep the event, issue, or topic under the rug and not discuss it.  Don’t hold back to avoid conflict. That will only promote resentment for the unresolved issue or issues. Resentment can make one feel that the relationship is in a constant ill state. After 10 or 20 minutes, come back together and use the above communication tool. If the circumstances don’t allow for the conversation to be had right away, put a pin in it and revisit it as soon as possible. If you want you can set an appointment with each other to have the needed discussion.   

Marriage Counseling can help couples clearly and effectively utilize the active listening and validation techniques described above. Couples Counseling helps to create a better understanding of each other, deepen emotional bonds, reestablish intimacy and trust, and overall improve your relationship and marriage.  

 

GoodTherapy | Attachment Styles and Hope for Your Relationship

By Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist

Attachment Hope for Couples: How to Improve Your Security Odds

You walk into the room and lock eyes with the most gorgeous human being you have ever seen. This individual locks eyes with you as well. You begin talking and realize that the chemistry between you is intense. You plan a date. You have several great dates. You fall in love and begin to talk about spending the rest of your lives together. You have the wedding. You go on the honeymoon. You begin to live your day-to-day lives together. (Perhaps not quite in that order.) But then, as you settle into shared lives, you notice that something is changing. The arguments are more frequent. The emotions are not all positive. Why does your partner leave when there is conflict? Why does your partner walk away when you need soothing? Why are they sometimes exhaustingly clingy and other times too independent? John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth offered an answer rooted in attachment styles to these questions. Several researchers after them offered solutions. I’d like to share them with you. 

The Evolution of a Relationship

It is important to acknowledge that it takes time for interpersonal patterns to emerge within a romantic relationship. A perception bias occurs when you first fall in love that naturally heightens your connection to your partner’s strengths and limits your awareness of their weaknesses. Thus, it is in day-to-day living that you develop more accurate perceptions of patterns that are problematic. 

Why You Relate the Way You Do

In the 1960s, John Bowlby asserted that we learn positive and negative ways of relating based on our parent-child experiences. Our ways of relating are designed to strengthen our bond with our attachment figures (parents/caregivers) growing up. They help us survive. An attachment behavioral system gradually emerges wherein we attempt to regulate our emotions and behaviors toward an attachment figure. To do this, Bowlby (1980) asserted that the attachment system essentially asks the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? According to Bowlby (1980), an individual who has experienced a secure attachment is likely to view attachment figures as available, responsive, and helpful. An insecurely attached individual would view attachment figures as inaccessible, untrustworthy, and unreliable.

Different Attachment Styles

Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s attachment behavioral system and introduced specific attachment styles that explain our attachment behaviors. She outlined three specific attachment styles: (1) secure attachment and two insecure attachment styles: (1) anxious-resistant, and (2) avoidant (Ainsworth, 1979). In adult romantic relationships, the insecurely attached adult who is anxious-resistant would be dependent on their partner and yet reject their soothing attempts. The insecurely attached adult who is avoidant would not seek emotional or physical comfort from their partner when experiencing emotional distress. 

Bowlby and Ainsworth helped us to understand that our way of relating to others is guided by our early attachment experiences, but do we indeed exhibit the same attachment behaviors in our adult romantic relationships?

Further Research into Attachment Styles 

Hazen and Shaver (1987) evaluated Bowlby’s theoretical premise that early attachment behaviors extend to adulthood and are relatively stable. They conducted research and found that adults also reported the three attachment categories that Ainsworth determined (secure, anxious-resistant, and avoidant). Their research identified that romantic relationships are attachment bonds and share similar attachment behaviors that characterize parent-child interactions. In essence, Bowlby and Ainsworth were right to suggest that we can look at our adult relationships and evaluate our partner’s attachment behaviors based on their childhood attachment experiences. 

Are People Stuck Forever in Patterns from Childhood? 

What happens if you partner with someone with an insecure attachment style? Can their attachment style become secure? 

Researchers had the same questions about whether or not early attachment behaviors could be changed in adulthood. Findings across several studies did indicate that while early attachment style is relatively stable (Kim, Baek, & Park, 2021), attachment behaviors can change (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020; Sims, 2000; Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, & Rosner’s, 2020; Overall, Simpson, & Struthers, 2013; Gazder & Stranton, 2010; Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). Therein lies the hope for the couple. So, back to the question, what happens if you partner with an insecurely attached individual? How can you increase your secure attachment odds in your relationship?

Distress in romantic relationships is the leading cause for adults to seek psychological services (Bradbury, 1998). There are specific interventions that increase attachment security or reduce the negative impact of insecure attachment behaviors in romantic relationships. The following interventions are supported by empirical examination.

Transference-Focused Therapy

Transference-focused therapy (TFT) is a therapeutic intervention that aims to reduce impulsivity, stabilize mood, and improve interpersonal and occupational functioning. The intervention is specifically designed for individuals who struggle with borderline personality disorder. Trauma can impact the internalized representations of personality. It is not uncommon for individuals to develop maladaptive personality traits in response to trauma. Trauma impacts attachment bonds. TFT is a great choice for an individual partner in a couple dyad who may also struggle with borderline personality. A recent study found that individuals who participated in TFT moved towards securely attached with some preoccupied behaviors away from insecurely attached with preoccupied behaviors (Tmej, AMA et al., 2020)

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) for couples focuses on reshaping distressed couples’ structured, repetitive interactions and the emotional responses that evoke partners and foster the development of a secure emotional bond (Jonson, 1996; Jonson, 1999). The EFT model assumes that the negative emotions and interactional cycles typical of distressed couples represent a struggle for secure attachment (Bowlby, 1969). Sims (2000) randomized 26 couples in which at least one partner had been rated as insecurely attached to EFT or a waitlist control group. Couples in the EFT treatment condition increased their attachment security (and decreased attachment-related avoidance) more than the control couples. 

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Processing Therapy

Trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses on changing the dysfunctional beliefs associated with trauma. Trauma during our early attachment years impacts our attachment functioning, thereby shaping how we related to others in romantic relationships. CPT offers hope for couples in that an insecurely attached partner, who has been the victim of trauma, can participate in this mode of treatment to improve functioning. In Rimane, Steil, Renneberg, and Rosner’s (2020) study, individuals who participated in CPT experienced reduced avoidance attachment (insecure) behaviors when assessed post-treatment.

Dyadic Regulation Processes

Dyadic regulation processing occurs in couples therapy and is designed to improve attachment-relevant dyadic interactions between them. Applying the Dyadic Regulation Processing Model, researchers evaluated how partners can buffer the impact of their partner’s anxious resistant or avoidant behaviors due to their insecure attachments. Overall, Simpson and Struthers (2013) videotaped romantic couples discussing relationship problems identified by one partner who wanted changes in the other partner. Results indicated that insecurely attached partners whose partners displayed more softening exhibited less anger and withdrawal, and their discussions were more successful. These partners buffered their insecurely attached partner’s responses by learning to be sensitive to their autonomy needs, validating their viewpoint, and acknowledging their constructive efforts and good qualities.

Partner Relationship Mindfulness

General mindfulness is defined as the awareness of what is happening in the moment. In their study, Gazder and Stranton (2010) defined relationship mindfulness (RM) as open or receptive attention to and awareness of what is taking place internally and externally in a current relationship. They found that an individual’s own daily relationship mindfulness did not buffer the effects of their own insecure attachment on same-day relationship behaviors, but their partner’s daily relationship mindfulness did. In essence, you can buffer the impact of your partner’s insecure attachment behaviors by increasing your own relationship mindfulness. Therapy is a great place to learn how to practice relationship mindfulness techniques.

Partner with Someone with a Secure Attachment Style

As outlined, various treatment interventions can move an individual and couple towards more secure attachment relating. At this point, you may be thinking that hope is only achieved within a therapeutic setting. I have good news for you. If you are a securely attached individual, you play an important role in your relationship with an insecurely attached partner. Experiencing secure behaviors within romantic relationships can reduce representations of insecure attachment style (Park, Johnson, MacDonald, & Impett, 2019). How romantic! Your secure attachment behaviors can provide a secure base for your insecurely attached partner to grow. In the context of your relationship, you and your partner will experience many life events together. In their most recent study, Fraley, Gillath, and Deboek (2020) found that life events could change attachment style presentations in adulthood, with some changes yielding an enduring pattern.  

What Lies within Our Power?

We cannot go back to our childhood and choose caregivers that would prevent us from developing an insecure attachment style. We, therefore, cannot prevent the impact of any dysfunctional early childhood attachment experiences on who we are, interpersonally, as adults. However, there is hope. We can increase our secure attachment odds by choosing partners who are securely attached. We can participate in couples therapy interventions. We can also offer a secure attachment base for our insecurely attached partner. Attachment styles do not equate to fixed potential in your relationship – there is always room for growth. 

If you’re ready to explore how therapy can help you and your relationship, click through to find a couples therapist near you.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Attachment as related to mother-infant interaction. In Advances in the study of behavior (Vol. 9, pp. 1-51). Academic Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and Loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London: Hogarth Press.

Bradbury, T. N. (1998). The developmental course of marital dysfunction. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Gazder, T. & Stanton, S. C.E (2020). Partners’ Relationship Mindfulness Promotes Better Daily Relationship Behaviors for Insecurely Attached Individuals. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 5;17(19):7267.

Hazen, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511-524.

Johnson, S. (1996). The practice of emotionally focused marital therapy: Creating connection. New York. Brunner/Mazel.

Johnson, S. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Straight to the heart. 

In J. Donovan (Ed.), Short term couple therapy (pp. 14-42). New York Guilford Press.

Fraley, R.C., Gillath, O. & Deboeck,P.R.(2020, August13).Do Life Events Lead to Changes in Adult Attachment Styles? A Naturalistic Longitudinal Investigation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 

Kim, S.‐H., Baek, M., & Park, S. (2021). Association of parent–child experiences with insecure attachment in adulthood: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Family Theory & Review.

Overall, N.C., & Simpson J. A.( 2013) Regulation processes in close relationships. In: Simpson JA, Campbell L, editors. The Oxford handbook of close relationships. New York: Oxford University Press; 2013. pp. 427–451.

Park, Y., Johnson, M. D., MacDonald, G., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Perceiving gratitude from a romantic partner predicts decreases in attachment anxiety. Developmental Psychology, 55(12), 2692–2700.

Rimane, E., Steil, R., Renneberg, B. & Rosner, R. (2020). Get secure soon: attachment in abused adolescents and young adults before and after trauma-focused cognitive processing therapy. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

Sims A. Unpublished doctoral dissertation. University of Ottawa; Canada: 2000. Working models of attachment: The impact of emotionally focused marital therapy.

Tmej, A., Fischer-Kern, M., Doering, S., Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Rentrop, M., & Buchheim, A. (2021). Borderline patients before and after one year of transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP): A detailed analysis of change of attachment representations. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 38(1), 12–21.

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

Keeping Your Love Tank Full During the Pandemic

Keeping Your Love Tank Full During the Pandemic

You may have heard this phrase: “Love is not a guarantee.” The idea is that although you love someone, things may not always work out the way you want. This concept goes hand in hand with the Love Tank Theory, which suggests that our ability to love can run on empty if our “love tank” is not being filled. What fills up a love tank? The theory says this happens with frequent emotional connections. Not surprisingly, the coronavirus pandemic has triggered a wave of relationship changes as couples face unexpected hardships and challenges. So how can we keep our love tank full during the pandemic?

The Love Tank Theory

This theory, written about in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, talks of every person having a love tank. This tank’s fullness is controlled by emotional connections and disconnections and is tampered with throughout day-to-day life.

An Empty Tank

Depending on who each person is in and out of the relationship, a tank is filled and emptied in a variety of ways. Someone’s tank might empty if they are not receiving enough physical affection, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or other love languages native to their heart. What might empty one person’s love tank might not empty another’s. Our tank is drained when our emotional needs in the relationship are not being met. Once the tank is empty for too long, permanent damage can be caused to the relationship.  

The Impact of the Pandemic on Our Tank

Increased Stress/Anxiety/Worry

For many, the pandemic has brought an influx of stress, anxiety, and worry. There is still quite a bit that is unknown about the pandemic like when it will end or when regular life will return to normal. This has an increasing number of people experiencing fear for what the future holds. This can impact their mental health on a deep level. When our partner does not understand or respond in the way we need, it might drain our tank.

Limit on Physical Interactions

For partners who do not live in the same household or are long-distance, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on physical interactions. Travel restrictions have made it difficult for partners who do not live together to remain closely connected in everyday life. This could also apply to couples where one works in a high-risk environment. For individuals who depend on physical interaction to fill their tank, this could be increasingly draining. This increased remoteness during COVID-19 may also make it harder for those who prefer to receive love as quality time, since the opportunities and the types of quality time that can be spent together are likely diminished quite significantly. 

How to Refill Our Love Tank:

Intentional Connection

Being intentional with your time together is key to filling your love tank. Each person in the relationship needs to be on the same page about dedicating time to one another. Dedicating time and space to spend interacting with a mutual understanding of its importance for your relationship can be a great way to fill one another’s tank.

Communication

You have heard the phrase “communication is key” before. Open, honest, and intentional communication is essential to keeping our love tanks full. This involves more than just talking about each other’s day. Each person in the relationship should speak honestly about what they are feeling, how the other person makes them feel, and what they need in the relationship. This vulnerability strengthens the bonds of the relationship, giving space for each partner to be seen, known, and loved, and creates a healthy avenue for the expression of hopes and expectations. 

Relationships take work, especially in circumstances that demand we get creative. COVID-19 has certainly created such demanding circumstances for our relationships. Moving toward one another is an important part of keeping your love tanks full and your relationship satisfying. 

If you and your partner are struggling during the pandemic, you might consider connecting with a therapist in your area. To start your search, click here.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.