Many people find themselves constantly pouring love into a relationship cup that never seems to feel full. Loving someone who is emotionally unavailable is painful and confusing, and the exhaustion that comes from trying to connect while being kept at arm’s length deserves acknowledgment.

When it comes to navigating your partner’s emotional unavailability, understand this: emotional unavailability isn’t about you. It’s a complex pattern rooted in psychology, past experiences, and deeply ingrained protective mechanisms. Let’s explore what’s really happening beneath the surface and, more importantly, how you can navigate this challenging dynamic with clarity and self-compassion.

What Does Emotional Unavailability Really Mean?

Emotional unavailability describes a pattern where someone consistently struggles to be present, vulnerable, or intimate in a relationship. They are emotionally distant, often reluctant to share feelings, resistant to deeper conversations, and unable to commit to the relationship’s growth.

This is different from the occasional bad day or needing space after a stressful week. We all have moments when we’re less available emotionally.

Why Are Some People Emotionally Unavailable?

Understanding the “why” doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can help you see the situation more clearly and make better decisions for yourself.

How Do I Know If My Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable?

If you’re wondering if your partner is emotionally unavailable, look for these consistent patterns:

Can Emotionally Unavailable People Change?

Here’s the truth that’s both hopeful and hard: people can change, but only if they want to and are willing to do the work. Change requires self-awareness, acknowledging the problem, and a commitment to personal growth, either through therapy or another healthy avenue.

The question isn’t just “can they change?” but “are they actively trying to change?” There’s a vast difference between:

How Can I Cope With an Emotionally Unavailable Partner?

If you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, here are strategies to protect your well-being:

What If I’m the Emotionally Unavailable One?

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in these signs, that’s ok. Awareness is the crucial first step, and emotional unavailability isn’t a character flaw: it’s a learned protective pattern that served you once but may now be limiting your capacity for deep connection.

Take the First Step in Coping & Growing

You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, valued, and emotionally met. Whether that means your current partner commits to growth and change, or you decide to seek that connection elsewhere, trust that your need for emotional intimacy is valid and worthy of fulfillment.

If you’re struggling with this dynamic, reaching out to a therapist who specializes in relationship issues can provide the support and clarity you need to move forward with confidence and start building your emotional intelligence.

Not sure where to start? Take our quiz to find out what you’re looking for and how trained professionals at GoodTherapy can help.

Many people enter relationships with hope. In the early stages of dating, it’s common to focus on a partner’s strengths and imagine what the relationship could become. Optimism can be healthy. However, problems arise when someone becomes emotionally invested in a partner’s potential rather than their consistent, present-day behavior.

Partner’s Potential
Relationship Red Flags
Emotional Availability
Healthy Boundaries

Quick support: If you’re noticing “If only…” thoughts showing up often, you may appreciate this guide on staying alert to relationship red flags.

In therapy (particularly couples counseling), this pattern often appears when one partner feels chronically disappointed or resentful, while the other feels pressured, criticized, or “never good enough.” Over time, what began as hope can turn into emotional exhaustion, repeated conflict, and a painful cycle of trying to change someone who may not want, or be ready, to change.

 

Understanding the difference between healthy optimism and attachment to a partner’s potential can help you make more grounded relationship decisions, set clearer boundaries, and reduce long-term emotional harm.

What Does It Mean to Fall for a Partner’s Potential?

Falling for potential refers to prioritizing who someone could become over who they are right now. This may involve beliefs such as:

Click to Expand:

“They’ll be emotionally available once they feel secure.”

A hope that emotional closeness will arrive later, even if current behavior shows distance, avoidance, or inconsistency.

“They’ll mature after marriage or commitment.”

A belief that a milestone will create reliability, rather than reliability being present before the milestone.

“Their unhealthy habits will stop when life becomes less stressful.”

Change is possible, but patterns tend to intensify under stress, so sustained support and consistent action matter.

“They’ll become responsible once we have children.”

Parenting adds stress and responsibility; it rarely “fixes” accountability challenges already present.

“Their communication will improve with time.”

Skills can improve, but typically through practice, accountability, and willingness, not time alone.

 

Clinical nuance: Growth is possible in relationships. The concern isn’t believing in change, it’s relying on change as the foundation of the relationship.

A simple anchor: Hope becomes risky when it replaces reality testing. When a partner’s potential is louder than present-day patterns, confusion and pain often follow.

Strengthen your foundation: For a practical refresher on what helps relationships stay stable, see 4 steps to build a healthy relationship.

 

Healthy Optimism vs. “Waiting Room” Love

✔

Healthy optimism

“We both have room to grow, and we’re both actively growing.” Change is demonstrated and maintained over time, even under stress.

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Waiting room love

“If I hold on long enough, my partner’s potential will become the relationship I need.” Change is mostly a promise, or a temporary “good phase.”

 

One way to tell the difference is to look for consistent behavioral change: Does new behavior hold up under stress, or does it appear briefly after conflict and disappear again?

 

Why People Get Attached to a Partner’s Potential

This pattern is common and deeply human. People rarely choose it intentionally; it often emerges from a mix of psychological, relational, and situational pressures.

1

Limited self-knowledge and unclear deal-breakers

Without clarity about needs and non-negotiables, incompatibilities can be rationalized as temporary or fixable, often in service of hoped-for change. When someone isn’t sure what they truly require for emotional safety, they may overcompromise to preserve connection.

2

Pressure to settle down

Cultural expectations, family pressure, fear of being alone, or “time” concerns can make waiting feel safer than choosing based on present-day reality. In these situations, potential can become a coping strategy: “This isn’t great now, but it will be later.”

3

Attachment patterns and over-functioning

Individuals with anxious tendencies may over-function, trying to secure closeness through patience, loyalty, and emotional labor, believing love will “unlock” the change they hope to see. If this resonates, you may find it helpful to explore breaking free of anxious attachment.

4

Sunk cost and emotional investment

As time, energy, and shared history accumulate, leaving can feel unbearable. People may stay because they fear the grief of starting over, or because they want their investment to “mean something.” This is often described as the sunk cost fallacy. For a definition, see the APA Dictionary of Psychology.

 

Risks of Building a Relationship on a Partner’s Potential

When a partner’s potential becomes the focus, the relationship can begin to resemble a waiting room. This creates several predictable relational risks.

Emotional burnout

One partner may take on disproportionate responsibility, initiating difficult conversations, repairing ruptures, managing the emotional climate, and motivating change. Over time, this can lead to fatigue, loss of desire, and diminished self-worth.

Resentment and disconnection

Repeated disappointment often becomes resentment. Many people describe feeling lonely even while partnered because the relationship never stabilizes into a consistently supportive bond.

Parent-child or therapist-client dynamics

When one person is invested in “developing” the other, intimacy is threatened. The partner being pushed may feel controlled or inadequate, while the partner doing the pushing may feel burdened and unseen.

Prolonged incompatibility

Some issues are not “growth edges”, they are core mismatches. Differences in values, commitment readiness, lifestyle, emotional availability, or desire for children are not automatically resolved with time. Hope alone can’t bridge the gap when it’s pinned to a partner’s potential.

Communication tip: If you keep having the same conversation with different outcomes, you might like GoodTherapy’s guidance on healthy communication in relationships.

 

Red Flags You May Be Falling for Potential Instead of Reality

The following signs may indicate that you are relating to a partner’s potential more than reality:

• You frequently think or say “If only…”
• You feel more attached to the future than to the present.
• The relationship depends on a major event to improve (marriage, pregnancy, moving, promotion).
• Your partner promises change but follow-through is inconsistent.
• You regularly excuse behavior that hurts you.
• You carry most of the emotional labor.
• You feel anxious, unsettled, or unsure where you stand.
• You feel more like a caretaker, coach, or parent than an equal partner.
• Your boundaries are repeatedly tested or dismissed.

A useful clinical reminder:

Patterns predict outcomes more reliably than intentions. Give more weight to repeated behavior than to a partner’s potential.

 

Self-Reflection Questions: Are You Loving Potential or Reality?

If you are unsure whether you are staying grounded in reality, these questions can help clarify what is happening. These questions are not meant to shame. They are meant to support clarity and self-trust.

Reality testing

• If nothing changed for the next 2–5 years, would I still choose this relationship?
• Do I genuinely enjoy who this person is today (not just their partner’s potential)?
• Am I staying because it is healthy now, or because it might become healthy later?

Emotional safety and stability

• Do I feel emotionally safe, respected, and valued?
• Are my needs met consistently, or only during brief “good phases”?
• Do I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells or managing the relationship?

Effort and accountability

• Does my partner take responsibility without being pushed?
• When problems arise, does my partner show consistent action over time?
• Is change occurring through sustained effort, or repeated apologies?

Boundaries and self-abandonment

• Have I compromised my values to keep this relationship going?
• Am I ignoring my intuition because I fear starting over?
• Am I staying because of love, or because of fear, guilt, or time invested in my partner’s potential?

If self-trust has been eroded over time, you may relate to second-guessing yourself in connection. Consider GoodTherapy’s article on self-doubt in relationships and rebuilding self-trust.

Can People Change? Yes, But Change Must Be Demonstrated

Many people do grow in relationships. However, meaningful change tends to have certain qualities: it is self-motivated, consistent, behavior-based, and maintained over time, especially under stress. When change occurs only after ultimatums, crises, or threats of leaving, it may reflect short-term repair attempts rather than true transformation.

Reality check: Patterns → Impact → Choice

Patterns
What happens repeatedly

→

Impact
How it affects you

→

Choice
Boundaries / decisions

Evidence-based backdrop: Attachment-related stress responses can shape how partners seek closeness (or distance) during conflict and uncertainty. For a deeper dive, see adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.

How to Shift from Potential-Based Love to Reality-Based Love

The goal is not pessimism. It is discernment, so love is grounded in reality rather than only in a partner’s potential.

1

Clarify non-negotiables

Define what emotional safety and respect look like for you (honesty, reliability, kindness, accountability, shared values). This gives you a clearer lens than “maybe they’ll become…”

2

Observe behavior over time

Look for patterns across ordinary days and stressful days. A single great weekend rarely outweighs months of inconsistency tied to a partner’s potential.

3

Reduce over-functioning

Notice what happens when you step back from managing, reminding, rescuing, or coaching. Sustainable relationships don’t require one person to hold the whole system together.

4

Set boundaries, and track respect

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re clarity. For general guidance, see Mayo Clinic Health System’s overview of setting boundaries for well-being.

 

If conflict escalates quickly, this Gottman Institute explainer on the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) can help you identify destructive cycles early.

Practicing assertive communication can also support self-respect without aggression. Mayo Clinic offers a practical guide on being assertive.

 

When Therapy May Help

Individual therapy may be helpful if you find yourself repeatedly choosing emotionally unavailable partners, struggling to identify boundaries, staying due to sunk cost, or feeling responsible for fixing a partner. Therapy can help clarify attachment patterns, strengthen self-trust, and support healthier relationship decision-making, so love is grounded in reality rather than hope alone.

Gentle note:

If your relationship includes intimidation, threats, coercion, or emotional or physical harm, your safety matters. Reaching out to a qualified professional or local support resources can be an important step.

Frequently Asked Questions

These quick answers help you reality-check a partner’s potential with compassion and clarity.

Q: How do I know if I’m falling for a partner’s potential?

A: Notice whether your hope depends on a future milestone (moving in, marriage, kids, a new job) and whether present-day patterns keep repeating. If “If only…” is frequent, you may be anchored to a partner’s potential instead of consistent behavior.

Q: Can people actually change in relationships?

A: Yes, especially when change is self-motivated, consistent, and sustained over time. Promises without follow-through often keep you stuck in a partner’s potential rather than lived reality.

Q: What are common red flags that hope has replaced reality testing?

A: Inconsistent accountability, repeated boundary violations, doing most of the emotional labor, and feeling anxious or unsure where you stand. For more, see GoodTherapy’s article on relationship red flags.

Q: What’s one step I can take this week to stop over-investing in a partner’s potential?

A: Try a 14-day “pattern log”: write down what happens (not what’s promised) when you set one small boundary and ask for one concrete need. If you want support while you do this, explore the GoodTherapy therapist directory.

Take the Next Step in Your Healing Journey

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Whether you’re questioning your relationship or navigating a pattern you want to change, professional support can help you reconnect with clarity, boundaries, and self-trust.

Find a Therapist Near You →

A Closing Thought: Choose What’s Consistent

Reality-based love doesn’t require perfection. It requires consistency, accountability, and emotional safety. You can hold hope and discernment at the same time without abandoning yourself. If you find that potential is keeping you in a cycle of waiting, therapy can be a supportive place to reconnect with your needs, values, and self-trust.

Remember: you deserve a relationship that feels stable enough for the life you want, not one that depends on someone else finally becoming who you need them to be.

About the Author

Tammy Fontana, Clinical Sex Therapist

Tammy Fontana is a Clinical Sex Therapist in Singapore who offers counseling for individuals and couples navigating relationship stress, intimacy concerns, communication breakdowns, conflict, and anxiety. Telehealth is available.

Her approach emphasizes practical skill-building, helping clients face real-life challenges and make clearer choices in relationships. Her GoodTherapy profile lists training and approaches that include the Gottman Method, CBT, DBT, mindfulness-based work, and Reality Therapy.

View Tammy’s GoodTherapy profile ↗

 

Many people experience self-doubt in relationships as a quiet, constant “checking” of other people-tone, facial expression and pauses before they even realize they’re doing it. What looks like being considerate is often the nervous system doing its job: trying to keep connection safe.

Relationships
Self-Trust
Inner Critic
Self-Doubt

In this article:

• Why self-doubt in relationships can become automatic
• How hyper-attunement shows up day-to-day
• The emotional cost (and why it’s not your fault)
• How therapy helps rebuild self-trust safely

Gentle Reminder:

These patterns are often learned protections. The goal isn’t to shame them away, it’s to understand them and choose what fits your life now.

Understanding Self-Doubt in Relationships as a Learned Pattern

Many people notice that they become highly alert to subtle changes in another person’s tone, expression, or behaviour before they consciously understand why. A pause that feels slightly different, a shift in energy, or a momentary silence can prompt a rapid internal adjustment. The individual may soften their voice, phrase things carefully, or begin planning how to respond before a conversation has even unfolded.

 

Although this may appear to be sensitivity or thoughtfulness, for many it reflects a learned pattern in which trusting their own perception once felt unsafe. This pattern does not typically develop without context. It is often rooted in environments where expressing emotion, preference, or uncertainty led to tension, withdrawal, or criticism.

 

Some people learned this in childhood within families that were unpredictable or demanding. Others developed these responses later in intimate relationships where their recollections were challenged, their instincts questioned, or their needs dismissed. (This can resemble gaslighting, which is designed to make someone doubt their perceptions.) In both cases, the nervous system adapts by prioritising external cues over internal ones.

 

Over time, this becomes automatic. It no longer feels like a response to a specific person but rather the default way of navigating relationships, especially when self-doubt in relationships has become familiar.

Want a plain-language definition for what your body is doing?
If you keep noticing yourself scanning for shifts in tone or tension, GoodTherapy’s Hypervigilance article can help you name the pattern without blaming yourself.

Why These Responses Develop

When an individual learns that honesty or spontaneity may provoke conflict, they often begin to monitor the emotional climate around them. This is not a conscious decision; it is an adaptive response. The nervous system becomes finely attuned to signs of potential threat, even when no immediate danger is present.

 

Small changes in another person’s behaviour can trigger internal shifts long before conscious thought has caught up. These responses can take different forms. Some individuals become highly accommodating, adjusting themselves to avoid perceived tension. Others become calm and controlled, holding themselves tightly to prevent escalation.

 

Some apologise quickly, even when they are unsure what they have done wrong. Others withdraw internally, presenting a composed exterior while experiencing significant internal vigilance. The outward behaviours may differ, but the mechanism is the same: relying on external feedback feels safer than relying on one’s own internal signals.

Click to Learn More: The “Self-Doubt in Relationships” Loop (a nervous system shortcut)
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1) Cue: a pause, tone shift, silence, or “off” energy

2) Interpretation: “I must have done something wrong”

3) Strategy: accommodate, over-explain, apologize, or go quiet

4) Result: short-term safety… long-term loss of self-trust

In other words, self-doubt in relationships often isn’t a “personality trait”, it’s the body trying to prevent rupture.

This strategy often makes sense at the time it develops. It can help maintain connection, reduce conflict, and create a sense of stability in environments where emotional unpredictability is common. However, it can become limiting when it remains in place long after the original conditions have changed.

A helpful reframe: If you’ve been living with self-doubt in relationships, you may not be “too sensitive.” You may be highly trained in reading people, sometimes at the cost of reading yourself.

How Hyper-Attunement Shows Up in Everyday Life

Over the long term, these patterns can leave individuals feeling disconnected from themselves. They may find it difficult to identify their own preferences, not because they lack clarity, but because they learned to stop consulting themselves.

 

They may notice that they anticipate other people’s reactions quickly and accurately yet struggle to articulate what they want in their own relationships. This can also affect decision-making. A person may gather extensive external input before committing to a choice, not out of indecision but out of a learned belief that their own instincts cannot be trusted without verification, another way self-doubt in relationships keeps reinforcing itself.

Common signs (that are easy to miss)

• Replaying conversations and searching for what you “did wrong”
• Over-explaining simple choices (“just in case”)
• Needing reassurance even when you’re being reasonable
• Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
• Freezing or going blank during conflict

Hyper-Attunement vs Healthy Attunement

Both can look like “being sensitive.” The difference is whether self-doubt in relationships is running the show.

!Hyper-attunement (protective)

• Scanning for “what changed”
• Assuming blame to prevent conflict
• Over-explaining, apologizing quickly
• Feeling responsible for others’ moods

✓Healthy attunement (grounded)

• Noticing cues without panic
• Checking meaning with curiosity
• Staying connected to your own needs
• Using boundaries without shutdown

A gentle pivot you can try:
Replace “I did something wrong” with “I noticed a shift, what else could be true?”

It is common for individuals with these patterns to excel professionally, particularly in roles that benefit from high sensitivity and relational awareness, while privately feeling unsure or exhausted. Hyper-attunement can also influence how someone experiences conflict. A raised voice, a change in posture, or an unexpected silence can trigger strong internal responses that feel disproportionate to the situation.

If people-pleasing is part of your pattern:
You might relate to this overview of people-pleasing tendencies and how they can impact boundaries and burnout.

The Emotional and Relational Impact

The cumulative effect of these patterns can be significant. People often describe feeling depleted, as though they are holding up two sides of every interaction: their own internal world and the emotional world of the other person. This can create a sense of being “switched on” at all times, with little space left for rest or spontaneity.

Mini self-check: Is self-doubt in relationships running on autopilot?

IMPORTANT: This isn’t a diagnosis, just a way to notice patterns with compassion.

 

   Check any that feel familiar (even “sometimes” counts):

    I replay conversations to figure out what I “did wrong.”

    I apologize quickly when I sense tension, even if I’m not sure why.

    I feel responsible for someone else’s mood or disappointment.

     I over-explain to prevent misunderstanding or conflict.

     I second-guess my memory, perceptions, or instincts after a disagreement.

     I have trouble naming what I want until I know what others want.

What if I checked several?

It may mean your nervous system learned that staying tuned to others was the safest option. That’s a survival skill, not a character flaw.

A first step:
Practice a “two-truths” check: What am I sensing? and What else could be true?

Gentle note:
If this pattern is linked to manipulation or feeling emotionally unsafe, support can help. Reading about triggers can be a simple first step toward understanding why certain cues (tone, silence, facial expressions) hit so hard—before you try to “talk yourself out of it.”

 

There can also be grief associated with recognising the pattern. Once the individual begins to see how automatic their responses have become, they may feel sadness for the years spent accommodating others or for the parts of themselves that became quiet in order to feel safe.

 

This recognition can bring clarity, yet it can also feel disorienting. It is common for people to expect relief once they understand the pattern, only to discover that the early stages of change feel unsettled instead. Some individuals notice an “identity wobble” when they begin to shift these behaviours.

 

If they have always been the calm one, the accommodating one, or the person who anticipates others’ needs, it can feel unclear who they are without those roles. This can create discomfort even when the change is positive. The familiar pattern, while limiting, may feel more predictable than the alternative, especially when self-doubt in relationships has functioned as a form of stability.

A small practice to rebuild self-trust (without forcing yourself)

1. Pause: Notice the moment you start scanning for reassurance.

2. Name it: “This is self-doubt in relationships showing up.”

3. Locate it: Where do you feel it in your body (chest, throat, stomach)?

4. Choose one internal cue: “What do I believe happened?”

5. Try one micro-action: Ask a clarifying question instead of apologizing.

How Therapy Supports Change

Therapy provides a space in which these patterns can be explored without judgement or urgency. The goal is not to eliminate protective responses but to help individuals understand when they are occurring and whether they are still necessary.

 

As clients begin to notice their internal experiences with more understanding, they can experiment with expressing themselves more directly and observing the outcome. Over time, this helps the nervous system distinguish between past and present relational cues.

Exploring the roots of self-doubt:
Many people benefit from learning why they ignore their intuition in the first place. This article on overcoming self-doubt can be a supportive companion read between sessions.

For therapists, the work often involves pacing, containment, and helping clients identify internal resources that have become underused. Gentle exploration of bodily responses, emotional patterns, and relational expectations allows clients to build a more integrated sense of self. The therapeutic relationship offers a consistent, non-reactive environment in which new patterns can take root.

 

For individuals considering therapy, it is important to note that recognising these patterns is only the beginning. The process of change is gradual and often uncomfortable at first. However, with the right support, many people find that they begin to trust their own perspectives, express their needs more openly, and navigate relationships with greater confidence.

Grounding this in evidence-based understanding

When the body has been under chronic stress, it can stay activated longer than we want it to. That ongoing stress response can affect mood, sleep, and concentration, factors that make self-doubt in relationships easier to trigger (see Mayo Clinic’s overview of chronic stress).

 

Hyperarousal, feeling on edge, easily startled, “on guard”, is also a well-known trauma-related pattern (see NIMH’s PTSD information and MedlinePlus symptoms overview). And if your story includes sustained manipulation, the APA defines gaslighting as manipulation that leads someone to doubt their perceptions or understanding of events.

 

Trauma-informed therapy tends to emphasize safety, trustworthiness, and choice, principles outlined by SAMHSA’s trauma-informed guidance , so that change can happen without forcing or flooding.

Ready for support?
If self-doubt in relationships is affecting your day-to-day, you can browse the GoodTherapy directory to find a therapist by location, specialty, and approach.

If you recognise aspects of your own experience in this description, you may wish to explore this further with a trained therapist. If you’re considering working with me, a free 15-minute consultation through my GoodTherapy profile may be available to discuss whether this approach fits your circumstances.

Frequently Asked Questions

Quick, compassionate answers to common questions that come up when self-doubt in relationships feels automatic.

Q: Why do I experience self-doubt in relationships even when nothing is “wrong”?

A: Often, it’s a learned nervous-system response: your body got used to scanning for subtle cues because uncertainty once carried consequences (conflict, withdrawal, criticism). Even when your current relationship is safer, your system may still “check” first and trust itself second. The good news is this pattern can soften over time with awareness, practice, and supportive relationships.

Q: How do I know if I’m being hypervigilant or just “intuitive”?

A: Intuition often feels clear and calm. Hypervigilance tends to feel urgent, tight, and exhausting, like your mind must solve the room’s mood immediately. If your attention locks onto micro-shifts (tone, pauses, facial changes) and you feel compelled to fix or manage them, that’s a common hypervigilance pattern. GoodTherapy’s hypervigilance entry offers a plain-language overview.

Q: Can chronic invalidation make me second-guess my feelings and memories?

A: Yes. When your emotions are repeatedly minimized (“you’re overreacting,” “it wasn’t that bad,” “why are you so sensitive?”), your system may learn that your internal signals aren’t safe to trust, especially in close relationships. Over time, you may default to explaining yourself, doubting yourself, or needing external confirmation before you feel steady. This GoodTherapy article on invalidation can help you put language to what you’ve experienced.

Q: What can I do in the moment when self-doubt in relationships gets triggered?

A: Try a gentle three-step reset: (1) Pause and notice the body cue (tight chest, racing thoughts). (2) Name the pattern: “This is my self-doubt loop trying to keep me safe.” (3) Clarify instead of shrinking: “I noticed a shift, are we okay?” If this cycle is frequent or distressing, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust with pacing and support. You can find a therapist through GoodTherapy’s directory and look for someone who works trauma-informed.

About the Author

Jo-Anne Karlsson, MSc, GMBPsP, NBCC

Jo-Anne is a Marriage & Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and Life Coach based in London (with telehealth available). She supports teens (15+) and adults navigating self-doubt, anxiety, identity questions, and complex family dynamics, especially when relationships have felt confusing, demanding, or emotionally draining.

Her work integrates Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Brainspotting within a warm, direct, nonjudgmental space. Together, clients explore protective patterns, reduce shame and overthinking, and rebuild self-trust in a way that feels grounded and doable.

View Jo-Anne’s GoodTherapy profile ↗

 

Casual relationships have become increasingly popular in recent years as people seek more flexibility in their romantic and sexual lives. For many, the appeal lies in the freedom to connect with others without the expectations or pressures of a traditional commitment. However, navigating this territory requires a balance of openness, clear communication, and personal safety. In this guide, we’ll explore the dynamics of casual relationships, how to stay safe, and how to make the most of the experience. For those looking to connect with like-minded individuals, platforms like meet and fuck make it easier to find partners who share similar interests and goals.

1. Understanding the Appeal of Casual Relationships

Casual relationships offer the opportunity to explore intimacy and connection without the long-term commitments associated with traditional dating. According to a study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture, individuals who engage in casual relationships often report greater personal freedom, reduced stress, and enhanced self-awareness. The study highlights that many people turn to casual encounters as a way to prioritize personal growth, career goals, or simply to enjoy life without the constraints of a formal relationship.

This form of relationship can take various shapes, from friends with benefits to one-time hookups. The common denominator is mutual understanding and consent between both parties. For people who value their independence but still want to experience physical and emotional closeness, casual relationships provide a way to strike a balance between the two.

2. The Importance of Clear Communication

One of the foundational aspects of a successful casual relationship is clear and honest communication. Both partners need to be upfront about their intentions, boundaries, and expectations. This transparency ensures that neither party feels misled or hurt as the relationship progresses.

For example, it’s crucial to discuss what each person wants out of the relationship. Are you looking for a one-time connection, or are you open to ongoing casual encounters? Do you want to keep things purely physical, or is emotional closeness also important? Setting these parameters early on helps avoid misunderstandings and ensures that both partners are on the same page.

Moreover, ongoing communication is equally vital. As the relationship evolves, it’s important to check in with each other to ensure both partners are still comfortable with the arrangement. Platforms like sex near me make it easier to connect with people who are open to discussing these dynamics and finding mutually satisfying arrangements.

3. Staying Safe in Casual Relationships

Safety is paramount when engaging in casual relationships, especially if you’re meeting someone new. Here are a few key tips to ensure your well-being:

• Meet in Public First: When meeting someone for the first time, choose a public location like a coffee shop or bar. This provides a neutral and safe space to get to know each other before deciding to take things further.
• Share Your Plans: Let a trusted friend or family member know where you’re going and who you’re meeting. Sharing your location via your phone can provide an added layer of security.
• Practice Safe Sex: Always prioritize your sexual health by using protection, such as condoms, and getting tested regularly. Open conversations about sexual health with your partner are essential for mutual safety and trust.
• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, don’t hesitate to leave the situation. Your safety and comfort should always come first.

4. Embracing the Fun and Freedom of Casual Connections

The beauty of casual relationships lies in their ability to bring excitement and novelty to your life. Whether you’re meeting new people, exploring different aspects of your personality, or simply enjoying the moment, casual relationships can be a source of joy and self-discovery.

To fully embrace the fun of these connections, it’s important to stay open-minded and adaptable. Be willing to step outside your comfort zone and try new experiences. This might include exploring new activities together, visiting unfamiliar places, or even trying new things in the bedroom. The goal is to create moments that feel fulfilling and memorable for both partners.

At the same time, it’s important to maintain a healthy sense of self-awareness. Understand your own needs and boundaries, and don’t be afraid to communicate them. This ensures that your casual relationships remain enjoyable and fulfilling without compromising your well-being or values.

5. The Psychological Benefits of Casual Relationships

Engaging in casual relationships can offer surprising psychological benefits. Research from the Journal of Sex Research suggests that individuals who approach casual encounters with a positive mindset often experience increased self-esteem, improved communication skills, and reduced feelings of loneliness. By interacting with different partners, people can gain a better understanding of their preferences, desires, and boundaries.

Moreover, casual relationships can serve as a form of stress relief, offering an escape from the demands of daily life. Sharing intimate moments with someone, even on a short-term basis, can foster feelings of connection and belonging. This can lead to greater overall happiness and emotional well-being.

Final Thoughts: Balancing Safety and Enjoyment in Casual Relationships

Casual relationships offer a unique way to explore intimacy, connection, and personal growth without the constraints of traditional dating. By prioritizing clear communication, mutual respect, and personal safety, you can create fulfilling and enjoyable experiences that leave lasting positive memories.

Whether you’re new to casual relationships or a seasoned participant, platforms like sex near me can help you connect with others who share your goals and values. With the right mindset and approach, casual relationships can be a source of joy, self-discovery, and connection, enriching your life in unexpected ways.

Most people who have attended high school can recall a friend or classmate who, once they started to date someone, would be MIA for months at a time only to return when things didn’t work out.  This is not an uncommon, but certainly a short-sighted phenomenon and it unfortunately does not end in adulthood.  The idea is based upon the idea that we are isolated creatures that exist in a vacuum unaffected by any other relationships or expectations.  If the goal in dating is to find a lifelong partner that can integrate into all aspects of life,  the sooner you can be introduced to each other’s “worlds”, the better. 

The “world” of you

Let’s start with your world first and what you have to offer.  In order to value anything you have to have something to give up.  I recall several friends when I was younger who would say, “my life was miserable until I met my boyfriend/girlfriend.”  At first, this may seem like a compliment toward the significant other.  However, the implication is simply that they are at least a minor improvement over boredom and a distraction from pursuing any other source of worth.  This can easily slip into the emotional abuse of threatening to hurt oneself if that person were ever to leave.  Having healthy friends, family, and interests gives your significant other insights both into how to better love you, but also the skills by which you will treat them.    It is easy to win over a single person, it is challenging and infinitely more rewarding, to be able to foster relationships with many people at different levels.  When two people marry, they do not just marry the person, they are also now choosing to be affected by the familial subculture within which their spouse was raised. 

The “world” of your partner

Now let’s consider the “world” of your partner.  Contrary to how an innocent young person might consider marriage, your spouse does not come out of the ether with no personal connections and just integrates completely into your family.  It is not that you will find someone and they will forgo their past and attend all holidays and events with your family without any desire for you to attend to the relationships and interests that they have accrued.  How your significant other treats their friends and family as well as yours is a much stronger indication of long-term success than how they treat you.  Eventually, the honeymoon period wears off and they will revert to their default behaviors.  This is a compliment that they can be more authentic with you, but also a concern if their treatment of others is unattractive.  The humbling reality is that you are an extension not an exception to their general behavior.  Someday you will find yourself at the receiving end of disappointing your partner and it does not need to be a shock if you have seen how they treat others when upset along the way.   

Dating each other’s “world”

The concept of dating each other’s world has become more and more relevant as we have entered into the digital age.  It is becoming increasingly normal to meet through dating apps and other online forums.  Many people cultivate intimate conversations and trust long before meeting in person, let alone any of their friends and family.  To be fair, the internet is simply another tool for people to be exposed to potential companions.  However, it can become a crutch that hinders rather than accelerates a need for in-person interaction and exposure to the reality in which both live.  It is one thing to be told about the perspectives of their relationship and their personality, but that is neither the whole picture nor a first-person account of how you see their behavior toward others.  On some level, everyone perceives themselves to be the only sane person to get out of their family.    

Dating each other’s world is about truly trusting each other with the full scope of what it means to integrate a life together.  The input of good, well-established friends and family is essential if you are wanting to trust your choice and it is a good proving group to see if your significant other cares about you and your values and not just what they can get from you.  If something is meant to be permanent, it helps to build on a solid foundation and continue to scaffold it with proper support.  If a person is unwilling to have you meet their people, it boils down to one of two reasons, either they do not have healthy relationships, either by narcissistic choice or unfortunate and understandable mistreatment, or they do not see you as a long-term partner.  Either explanation leads to a similar encouragement to build other relationships outside of the romantic and see how that is reacted to.  When my wife and I were engaged to be wed, she not being from the area and her family living across the country, our first task as a couple was to help her make friends.  This both served to give her a sense of community and purpose when I was not with her and others to either challenge or confirm things that I was doing or saying to her.  Fostering her world and integrating her with my world became the fertile ground within which we have built our world together.   

“Stop fighting with each other and start fighting for one another”– Staci Lee Schnell 

In a fight, there is a winner and a loser and most of us want to win.  So, if you are fighting with your spouse, and you are the winner, that would make them the loser.  Do you really want your partner to be a loser?  Wouldn’t it be better if your marriage was the winner?  If you stop fighting and start communicating with respect, you both win and more importantly, your marriage wins.  Communicating clearly and effectively with your spouse allows for a healthier and happier marriage.   

It’s perfectly okay and completely normal to have disagreements and different points of view from your partner.  Having different thoughts and ideas, shouldn’t be a cause for a fight but rather a cause for good conversations, where both of you are heard and validated.  Validation is essential in honoring your spouse’s different opinions.  But how can you validate them if you aren’t listening to them?  Active listening can alleviate interruptions, misunderstandings, and heated emotions as well as promote being in tune with your partner’s thoughts and feelings.  

 The following is a communication tool to try out that promotes active listening and validation: 

Step 1: Partner A is the speaker while Partner B is the listener.   Partner A speaks, without blame, their truth, point of view, or issue.  Partner B listens without interruption. Feel free to take notes. 

Step 2: Partner B says, “What I heard you say is…” and in their own words summarizes what they heard Partner A say.  Then Partner B says, “Did I get it right?”  Partner A answers “yes” or “no”.  If yes, Partner B says “Is there anything else?”  Partner A answers “Yes” or “No”. If no, it’s time for step 3.  If Partner A answers no to “Did I get it right?” they stay calm, they don’t get upset at their partner, they simply try saying it in a different way.  Partner B tries again with, “What I heard you say” and “Did I get it right?”  Don’t move on to step 3 until Partner B gets it right and Partner A has nothing else.  

Step 3: Partner B now validates Partner A.  If an apology is needed, this is the time.  This step is about making Partner A feel completely heard and understood.  It doesn’t mean that Partner B needs to agree with Partner A, it merely means that Partner B shows their understanding of Partner A.   

Step 4: Switch speaker and listener roles and repeat steps 2 and 3 in the new roles. 

Step 5: Now that each has been heard and validated, come up with a plan of action.  The next time this happens we are going to do this…, this is the decision, and compromise we are making…, we can agree to disagree. 

The above communication tool promotes active listening, which brings about a positive change in attitude towards each other. Instead of fighting, couples are communicating honestly and effectively with less defensiveness and anger.   Paraphrasing, summarizing, and clarifying allows for true validation.   

Validation communicates to your partner that the relationship is important, even if you do not agree with the issue or issues at hand.  Mutual validation is essential in a healthy and happy relationship because each feels heard, valued, and understood.  Feeling validated by your spouse can help one to feel appreciated, and loved and that their opinions are worthwhile.  

The timing of the above communication tool is truly important.  If one of you is feeling heated or flooded, take some time to calm down.  Take 10-20 minutes to reflect on your emotions and ask yourself some questions. Why am I upset? What am I trying to convey? What triggered me? How can I express myself clearly?  These questions will help you focus on what and how to say what has upset you, as well giving you the time you need to get calmer.   

Make sure to not sweep the event, issue, or topic under the rug and not discuss it.  Don’t hold back to avoid conflict. That will only promote resentment for the unresolved issue or issues. Resentment can make one feel that the relationship is in a constant ill state. After 10 or 20 minutes, come back together and use the above communication tool. If the circumstances don’t allow for the conversation to be had right away, put a pin in it and revisit it as soon as possible. If you want you can set an appointment with each other to have the needed discussion.   

Marriage Counseling can help couples clearly and effectively utilize the active listening and validation techniques described above. Couples Counseling helps to create a better understanding of each other, deepen emotional bonds, reestablish intimacy and trust, and overall improve your relationship and marriage.  

 

Most issues that bring couples to therapy are familiar laments: “We don’t have sex anymore.” “I can’t take the dirty socks everywhere.” “All my partner does is work.” Some are earth-shattering, like experiencing a betrayal or coming face to face with a dealbreaker. But they all reveal the same underlying distress: People don’t feel connected to one another; they’re missing the essence of the relationship. Feeling disconnected is a significant loss, and couples come to therapy hurt, angry, and depleted, saying they have nothing left to give to foster the closeness they long for. They wonder how they can ever get that feeling back. It is possible. The key to feeling connected is first feeling safe. I collaborate with couples to find their “dance,” a new way to be with one another, which creates the foundation for a connected relationship — their secure base.

Of course, it starts with communication. Exploring unexpressed feelings, wants, and desires and addressing the details of interactions creates safety and connectedness. While we explore the hurts, we help shape new speaking and listening skills that cultivate care, empathy, and curiosity. As communication shifts from debates about winning to conversations that seek understanding, healing ensues, and trust grows.

The Power to Change the Dance

The most powerful way to create safety and ignite connection is with body language, facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, tone of voice, and even how we move through space. It’s known as non-verbal communication. It’s the cornerstone of attachment. Neuroscientists contend that a person’s sense of safety mainly comes from non-verbal cues. Most of us are unaware we send powerful signals with our posture, gestures, and voices. Between 50 and 93 percent of what we take in from others is expressed without words. Non-verbal communication is what regulates relationships. It can work against us, or we can become aware of it and use it to change our lives.

How can this “Superpower” create a connection? We can intentionally shift posture, movements, eye contact, and tone as quickly as we shape verbal language. I begin collaborating with couples on their “new dance” by asking “choreography questions.” While exploring their words, we simultaneously consider the non-verbal components: Where were you in the room during this impasse? Describe your tone. Were you looking at one another or on your phone? Then, we expand this inquiry to learn the specific steps of their “dance .”Where do they sit at the dinner table? What does the greeting look like when someone returns home? How do you want to be received after a long day?

Of all the non-verbal expressions, touch is among the most effective. It is essential to learn how physical touch works in the couple’s relationship, what it means to them, and how it makes them feel. If the couple is responsive to touch, we may use an intervention like “noticing when your partner gets it right,” with a hand on the shoulder, eye contact, and a smile. It will raise the impact of the praise and catapult our couple’s connection. We practice this in the therapeutic space and encourage its continuation into their lives. If touch isn’t the couple’s preferred language, we explore the best way to signal positive messages.

Parenting Moves

Children are especially attuned to body language. Couples looking for parenting support are empowered by understanding the impact of their non-verbal messages. Children test boundaries and exert control by separating parents, leading to marital conflict– which then causes children to feel unsafe and act out more. We help parents present a united front with consistent limits to interrupt these dynamics. Having a united front sends a message of safety to children, gains their cooperation, and reduces acting out. But when parents stand next to one other while setting limits, they create a parenting coalition that conveys a sense of security far more powerfully than words. And they don’t have to agree about every aspect of child-rearing to have one another’s back stand next to one another.

I encourage parents to greet one another at the front door with a hug, sit next to one another at the dinner table, and call the other parent in front of the children to say, “I care about you.” I ask parents: “What else can you do? “How could you present yourself to your children to convey the message: “We are in this parenting thing together?” One client, whose partner was out of town, came up with the idea of going to their bedroom and making a quick phone call to their partner. It took five minutes, and it sent children the message that no amount of distance separates their parents. There was no begging for extra TV time that night. The client changed the “dance.” Strategies to send non-verbal messages can also support single parents and divorced parents engaged in co-parenting.

Targeting Trauma

Couples with one or more members who have experienced developmental trauma or are experiencing current relational trauma like an affair are susceptible to non-verbal cues. Memories of traumatic events are stored differently than narrative memory. Overwhelming experiences are “remembered” in our bodies. This capability impacts our ability to read cues in the social landscape as safe or non-safe. Often, couples see danger and rejection when none is present or intended. For instance, a client who experienced abandoning parents may feel rejected and unworthy if their partner comes home from work and suddenly checks their email. This typical misstep may trigger a well of pain from the past that doesn’t fit with the present. The injured person may automatically “shut down” in a self-protection mode, responding with robotic answers and avoiding touch. The other couple members then feel confused rejected, and distances themselves, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. These unspoken misunderstandings cause significant relational injury, which raises the stakes and the need for interventions that target the couple’s “dance.” Attending to the couples’ non-verbal, automatic responses is the key to creating the security required to foster connection and healing. What we say matters, but how we say it means more.

Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory

Supporting couples in creating the relationship they want is an exciting aspect of treatment. All connections are invited, and anything is possible when the mission collaborates to create a secure base of connectedness. Connecting entails exploring non-verbal, automatic reactions and engaging reflective responses to find the couple’s unique “dance.”

Attunement: What is It? Why is It important?

There’s a very important factor that determines whether one or both parties in a relationship feel seen and nurtured. It applies to relationships across the board, from romantic to platonic, therapeutic to familial. And without it, miscommunication, fights, and hurt feelings are common. That factor is attunement. I’ll give the clinical definition first because it’s a word we often use in the field of psychotherapy and so you have a full picture of what attunement is and then I’ll describe attunement in layperson’s terms.

Attunement is a “kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect, and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal effect and/or resonating response,” according to clinical psychologist Dr. Richard Erskine.

A lot is happening in that sentence. However, some keywords are “sensing,” “empathy,” and “connectedness.” Putting them together, you could say attunement is sensing another person’s experience and using empathy (as well as action) to create connection. Another way of putting it is reading the “emotional room” of another person. It’s sensing when another person needs comfort versus space. It’s understanding when to support your partner versus when to let them flounder. If that sounds difficult, it is! It is a learned skill that takes conscious practice.

The first place we experience attunement (or not) is childhood. An infant is not able to express with words when they are hungry, tired, or have a poopy diaper. It’s up to the caregiver to make that assessment and do something about it. This is where pediatrician and child psychotherapist D.W. Winnicott’s principle of the “the good enough [parent]” comes into play, meaning, reacting to an infant responsively and sensitively over time allows the infant to be appropriately dependent and to transition to an increasingly more autonomous position. But attunement doesn’t stop in infancy – it’s relevant throughout a person’s life. The key is not just becoming aware of another person’s feelings, it’s also taking appropriate action.

It’s one thing if a caregiver hears their kid cry and says, “Oh, they’re hungry,” and another thing to actually feed them. The same is true with adults. Empathy is an excellent first step that invites curiosity about another’s experience, but it only goes so far. Action, even if it’s just listening, is what creates attunement. I’m not saying you have to be a mind reader and intuit what another person needs. Nor should you assume someone else’s feelings. Checking in and communicating are always important in mature, adult relationships.

A word of caution: There is such a thing as going too far with attunement and becoming codependent or turning into someone who relies on being needed. A codependent is someone who likes to swoop in and give to others, compulsively. With codependency there’s a sense of sacrifice – the person is sacrificing their time, their energy, or even their sense of self. That’s not what I’m advocating. Healthy boundaries are important for successful, safe relationships and that means recognizing each person has limits, including you.

Instead, emotional attunement involves the perspective that you’re on the same team as your partner. You are working together, supporting one another as you navigate your emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. When this isn’t done, it’s a form of abandonment and it erodes trust in the relationship. Attunement builds trust and rapport. So how then do you create emotional attunement? Keep reading.

How to create emotional attunement

Find your safe space

One step required for emotional attunement is safety. If you don’t feel safe expressing your emotions, attunement will be difficult. Safety is created with both verbal and nonverbal cues. For instance, if the person you’re in relationship with – a friend, a coworker, a parent – shuts down and emotionally withdraws whenever you express anger, you’ll quickly learn they are not a safe person for you to be angry around. You won’t want to clue them in to how you’re feeling because it’s worse than keeping your anger bottled up.

Related to safety is also expressing your own emotions in a safe manner. If you punch the wall when you’re mad, you’re not a safe person to be around either. Emotional attunement requires feeling your feelings, even when you want to push them away, and doing so in a non-harmful manner. That could mean taking space when you need it and communicating that with your partner. It could also mean working with a trained professional.

Listen before you speak

Instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, really listen to what the other person is saying. By giving someone your full attention, you’re letting them know you care about their experience, which is crucial for emotional attunement. You’re also signaling that they matter because you’re not centering yourself in the conversation, meaning you’re not making the conversation about you and what you can contribute. (By the way, I have a PDF about this if you’re interested.)

Ask questions

Attunement may sound like mind reading, but I promise, it’s not! Ask questions if you don’t understand something the other person is saying. That helps them feel seen and known. It indicates you’re present with them because you’re really trying to learn what’s going on for them.

Notice nonverbal cues

The reality is sometimes we don’t know how we’re feeling, or our outsides don’t match our insides. You’ve likely had the experience where someone says they’re fine and clearly, they’re not. Nonverbal cues like posture, facial expressions, and energy levels will help you discern how the other person is feeling and act accordingly. It’s also important to ask questions here when you notice the nonverbal cues to ensure you’re not making assumptions. For example, “I’ve noticed you’re lying down a lot. Are you tired? Or is there something else going on?”

Share reality

A huge part of emotional attunement is being on the same wavelength with someone, or in other words, sharing their reality. If your partner is sad about losing the job they hated, reflect back that sadness: “I hear you. It sounds like you feel sad.” If you respond with, “That’s great, babe! You didn’t like that job anyway!” your partner won’t feel seen, heard, or understood. You don’t have to agree with them, but demonstrating you understand how they’re feeling will go a long way.

Spot your triggers.

Every person has something they are sensitive about. It could be physical, like going bald, or something related to past trauma like being cheated on. Whatever it is, it’s important to be aware of what your triggers are so you can communicate that to your partner. Doing so will support you in not becoming reactive and together, you can potentially avoid an emotional landmine. Identifying triggers goes both ways – encourage your partner to share their triggers as well (if that’s appropriate) so you know what to avoid or how to support them in feeling safe.

Emotional attunement is a process and a skill that takes practice. It’s not something learned overnight but there are actions you can take today to feel closer to the people in your life and vice versa. Share this article with them, and together, build the sort of relationship that is satisfying to you both.

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References

Erskine, Richard G. “Attunement and involvement: Therapeutic responses to relational needs.” International Journal of Psychotherapy. January 1998; Vol. 3:3, pp. 235-244.

Killoren, Caitlin. “6 Tips for Practicing Emotional Attunement in Relationships.” Relish. July 15, 2021. https://hellorelish.com/articles/emotional-attunement.html

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

• Not blame the other person for the need to cool down (Rather, say something like, “I’m getting upset and I’m having trouble hearing you over my thoughts”).
• Promise to pick up the topic later and follow up.
• The reply to a request for a cool-down should consist of one word: OK. 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

Keeping Your Love Tank Full During the Pandemic

You may have heard this phrase: “Love is not a guarantee.” The idea is that although you love someone, things may not always work out the way you want. This concept goes hand in hand with the Love Tank Theory, which suggests that our ability to love can run on empty if our “love tank” is not being filled. What fills up a love tank? The theory says this happens with frequent emotional connections. Not surprisingly, the coronavirus pandemic has triggered a wave of relationship changes as couples face unexpected hardships and challenges. So how can we keep our love tank full during the pandemic?

The Love Tank Theory

This theory, written about in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, talks of every person having a love tank. This tank’s fullness is controlled by emotional connections and disconnections and is tampered with throughout day-to-day life.

An Empty Tank

Depending on who each person is in and out of the relationship, a tank is filled and emptied in a variety of ways. Someone’s tank might empty if they are not receiving enough physical affection, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or other love languages native to their heart. What might empty one person’s love tank might not empty another’s. Our tank is drained when our emotional needs in the relationship are not being met. Once the tank is empty for too long, permanent damage can be caused to the relationship.  

The Impact of the Pandemic on Our Tank

Increased Stress/Anxiety/Worry

For many, the pandemic has brought an influx of stress, anxiety, and worry. There is still quite a bit that is unknown about the pandemic like when it will end or when regular life will return to normal. This has an increasing number of people experiencing fear for what the future holds. This can impact their mental health on a deep level. When our partner does not understand or respond in the way we need, it might drain our tank.

Limit on Physical Interactions

For partners who do not live in the same household or are long-distance, COVID-19 has had a huge impact on physical interactions. Travel restrictions have made it difficult for partners who do not live together to remain closely connected in everyday life. This could also apply to couples where one works in a high-risk environment. For individuals who depend on physical interaction to fill their tank, this could be increasingly draining. This increased remoteness during COVID-19 may also make it harder for those who prefer to receive love as quality time, since the opportunities and the types of quality time that can be spent together are likely diminished quite significantly. 

How to Refill Our Love Tank:

Intentional Connection

Being intentional with your time together is key to filling your love tank. Each person in the relationship needs to be on the same page about dedicating time to one another. Dedicating time and space to spend interacting with a mutual understanding of its importance for your relationship can be a great way to fill one another’s tank.

Communication

You have heard the phrase “communication is key” before. Open, honest, and intentional communication is essential to keeping our love tanks full. This involves more than just talking about each other’s day. Each person in the relationship should speak honestly about what they are feeling, how the other person makes them feel, and what they need in the relationship. This vulnerability strengthens the bonds of the relationship, giving space for each partner to be seen, known, and loved, and creates a healthy avenue for the expression of hopes and expectations. 

Relationships take work, especially in circumstances that demand we get creative. COVID-19 has certainly created such demanding circumstances for our relationships. Moving toward one another is an important part of keeping your love tanks full and your relationship satisfying. 

If you and your partner are struggling during the pandemic, you might consider connecting with a therapist in your area. To start your search, click here.