GoodTherapy | Strong Like Amanda: Teaching Girls the Power of Assertiveness

by Dr. Jocelyn Markowicz, PhD, Psychologist in San Diego, CA

Girl Assertiveness Power: How to Teach Young Girls to Assert Their Power Like Amanda Gorman  

At the 2021 Presidential Inauguration, Amanda Gorman, a poet and activist, performed her poem “The Hill We Climb.” She shared these powerful words: “When day comes, we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade?” This line illuminated a shade that looms over our young girls, cloaking their voices within the darkness of unassertiveness. While Gorman’s performance spoke powerfully across a vast sea of change needed, her presence and assertiveness courageously inspired people all over the world to stand in the light of assertive power. How can we teach young girls to be more assertive despite their fear of being viewed as aggressive? 

Why Female Assertiveness Is Complicated

Research supports the benefits of individuals sharing their authentic thoughts and feelings in an assertive way (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). Research also highlights the consequences women have faced when their assertiveness was incorrectly viewed as aggressiveness (Maloney & Moore, 2019). Considering the challenges faced when a woman embraces her assertive power, parents have seemingly been hesitant to encourage their daughters to be unabashedly assertive.

Why and How to Nurture Assertiveness in Girls

Why must there be a collective drive to teach young girls to be assertive? First, most people can admit that it is what they do not say that leads to increased anxiety, depression, and general dissatisfaction. While there can be consequences to being assertive or aggressive, people generally feel empowered after being brave enough to share their truth. How can you stay on the healthy side of authentic communication without crossing the line into perceived aggressiveness? How can you develop assertiveness in the face of real bias against assertive women? Young girls need help developing the power of their assertive voice and navigating the challenges that may result. Here are general behavioral TIPs to help.

Tone

To be an effective communicator, one must first have self-awareness. Is the young girl in your life someone who gets loud when she is excited about a topic of discussion? Is her voice is barely audible when she talks about something meaningful? Does it quaver when she discusses her honest feelings? If you are able to answer any of these questions, then you are somewhat aware of her natural way of communicating. Now, you must help her develop awareness of how changes in her tone may be affected by her feelings and may, in turn, affect her listener. 

When the brain experiences intense emotions, it does not process information as accurately as it does in a calmer state. The right tone matters, especially in moments of high emotional intensity. The right tone can deescalate a situation and allow the receiver of communication to process the information better and appraise the speaker more favorably (Helfrich & Weidenbecher, 2011). The wrong tone of voice can change the way the receiver codes the message as assertive or aggressive. An assertive tone can be passionate and intense with an air of calmness. An aggressive tone can also be passionate and intense, but typically has an air of uncertainty. An aggressive tone creates negative feelings in the receiver. A calm tone can create positive feelings, which means the message can be heard more clearly.

Information About the Message Receiver

 It is important to teach young girls how to know their audience. Help them think about who will be listening to what they have to say. Strong communicators can effectively speak to someone with a doctorate or someone who has a third-grade education. You can’t do that without awareness of the receiver’s capacity to receive and absorb the message. You may have something valuable to say, but if you deliver it in the wrong tone and with ineffective language, your message will not achieve the desired outcome. Knowing how to adjust based on your audience is a key skill for communicating effectively.

Our young girls need feedback. They need help understanding how their communication is received by their audience. Feedback can help them strengthen positive communication skills and weaken any negative communication delivery methods.

Posture 

Does the young girl in your life take up space when she is communicating, or does she get smaller? Does she make wild movements with her hands or hid them behind her back when she’s trying to assert herself? Behavioral positions cause natural reactions. Our brains decide if a person’s posturing is threatening or soothing. Thus, it is helpful to teach young girls to be aware of how their bodies respond when they are trying to communicate their authentic thoughts, and how their physical reactions might affect various audiences. A girl may have a lovely, impassioned message that could come across as aggressive to someone else based on their posture. While perceptions of posturing are fraught with bias, knowing how others might perceive her behavior can help young girls to develop flexibility and intention in their physical movements based on their audience.

Teaching the young girl in your life these behavioral TIPs is a start to helping her develop more lifelong assertiveness. It’s also important to expose her to assertive women.

Stock up on Books

Make sure to surround the young girl in your life with examples of women who have accomplished many things. I would invite you to devote a shelf in the home to fill with books about a variety of girls and women who have assertively accomplished their goals. Keep filling shelves up with wonderful stories of how important girls and women are in the world. Self-confidence inspires assertiveness. Also, be sure to include books by child and adult female authors who were assertive enough to write and publish their ideas. Here are some book recommendations:

Target Conditions That Negatively Impact Assertiveness

As you are teaching the young girl in your life to practice assertive communication and filling up her mind with wonderful examples of assertiveness, you must also actively work to target conditions that may negatively impact her assertive communication progress. In order for her to experience the true power of her assertiveness, she’ll need your help to reduce anticipatory anxiety or behavioral-skill deficits associated with her unassertiveness (Speed, Goldstein, & Golfried, 2017). Untreated anxiety and depression are but two conditions that can impact a young girl’s confidence to assertively communicate her thoughts. 

Therapy is a great resource she may utilize to discuss challenges to her assertiveness and practice specific skills. Assertiveness training, which can be conducted in therapy, decreases anxiety, stress, and depression (Eslami, Rabiei, Mohammad, Hamidizadeh, & Masoudi, 2016). According to Eslami et al. (2016), unassertive behaviors are obstacles that strongly correlated with fears, worries, social anxieties, and various internal aggressions. An assertive person can create closer relationships with others, express a wide range of emotions without feeling guilty, stressful, or anxious or violating the rights of others. Young girls can develop into assertive women who change the world. As Amanda Gorman stated at the inauguration, ‘If only we’re brave enough to be it.’ We owe it to the young girls in our lives to help them to Be the It called an assertive communicator.

If the young girl in your life might benefit from therapy, start looking at options with our child therapist search. If you’re reading this and thinking you might need to work on yourself before you’ll really be ready to nurture assertiveness in someone else, begin your search for a therapist near you in our directory.

References

Read the full text of Amanda Gorman’s inaugural poem ‘The Hill We Climb’. (2021, January 20). Retrieved April 22, 2021, from https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/20/amanda-gormans-inaugural-poem-the-hill-we-climb-full-text.html

Eslami, A.A., Rabiei,L, Mohammad, S.A., Hamidizadeh, S., and Masoudi, R. (2016). The Effectiveness of Assertiveness Training on the Levels of Stress, Anxiety, and Depression of High School Students. Iranian Red Crescent Medical Journal. Jan; 18(1): e21096.

Helfrich, Hede & Weidenbecher, Philipp. (2011). Impact of Voice Pitch on Text Memory. Swiss Journal of Psychology. 70. 85-93. 10.1024/1421-0185/a000042.

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women’s dermatology, 6(1), 46–49. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2017). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12216

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

By Dr. Jeffrey Chernin, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

10 Communication Traps and How to Avoid Them

Since I started practicing therapy over 25 years ago, the majority of couples I have worked with have said to me, “Most of the time, our relationship is good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” At least half of the problem has to do with communication. Over time, the way couples communicate falls into a pattern. Some patterns, or dynamics, are helpful. Others not so much. Once problematic ways of communicating become established, the pattern is so predictable that most couples could write out a script about the way future disagreements will go.

If this sounds familiar, then you have found yourselves falling into communication traps, and the outcome is anger, hurt, and emotional distance. Here are ten common harmful dynamics – plus ways to avoid them. 

#1: The Round-and-Round 

The Round-and-Round is when each of you engages in a process of contradicting the other, Here’s an example: 

     “Your ex texted you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

     “I told you the other day.” 

     “No, you didn’t. I only found out because you told Jodi, and she told me.” 

     “Yes, I did. I told you that night we went to see that movie.”  

     “You did not. That was the last time. But you didn’t this time.” 

Either person can put a stop to the Round-and-Round. If your partner says, “You never told me your ex texted you,” you could reply with “I thought I did. If I didn’t, I should have.” And your partner could have begun with, “Your ex texted you? I don’t recall you telling me.”  You’re approaching each other with a lack of certainty, and the initial statement comes across as checking things out. You’re open to the possibility that you failed to mention it, and your partner admits that maybe you did say something but was possibly distracted or simply forgot.  

#2: Attack-Defend Communication

An attack is a way to express your displeasure or anger about something that your partner has done. It can sound like a challenge, and the expectation is for you to get defensive. It often takes the form of a “Why did you…?” question (as in, “Why did you tell Jodi but not me?”). 

One way to avoid the trap is to not defend yourself. This may sound counterintuitive, but think back to when you have defended yourself. Didn’t your partner simply find new ways to challenge you?

Instead, look for the emotion behind the attack. For example, “Why didn’t you text me?” You can say, “You sound pissed.” Your partner might reply with, “I sure am!” And you can reply with an apology. Disaster averted.

If you tend to go on the attack, try to not put your partner on the defensive. One way is to use a ‘preamble.’ An example is, “I know you didn’t do this intentionally, but you interrupted me several times.” 

#3: Reactivity

Reactivity is a rapid-fire exchange; rushing in as the other person is finishing a sentence or interrupting. When there’s a high degree of reactivity, you may end up in a communication trap.

To be less reactive, you may need to pause the argument and spend some time away from each other to collect yourselves. To make it work, have a pact to 

If you’re having trouble becoming less reactive, seek out information about communication. I go into detail on this and the other traps in my book Achieving Intimacy. Try writing in a journal or considering therapy for yourself. If you know where your buttons are coming from, let your partner know. That way, s/he is likely to have more empathy, take your reaction less personally, and stay cool. 

#4: What About-ism

What about-ism is when you wait until your partner brings up a complaint, and then you immediately take the opportunity for airing grievances of your own. For example, if your partner says, “I’m uncomfortable with you visiting your aunt and sitting inside. I really wish you’d sit outside to reduce your risk of Covid.” And let’s say you reply, “Yeah, well what about your shopping for clothes when I have asked you that we should limit shopping just for the essentials.” 

What about-ism is deflection, plain and simple. If your partner what-abouts you, consider answering with, “Fair point. And we should discuss it. But right now I want to finish what I just brought up. Then we can talk about your concern.”

 #5: Bad timing

If your partner does something and you become incensed, the time to talk about it isn’t when it’s happening. That’s because you’re having highly-charged emotions, and you’re more likely to start a quarrel than if you wait until you have calmed down.

 This idea isn’t new. Over 2,000 years ago, the Greek philosopher Plutarch said, “If you’re angry, get out of the situation and don’t come back until you’re calm.”

 It doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Quite the contrary, bringing up a sensitive subject in a calm and rational manner will show your partner that you’re willing to stand up for yourself, and you’re less likely to say something you’ll regret.

 #6: Not acknowledging the good

Many people speak up when it comes to saying something when their partner does something that hurts them, angers them, or is in need of correcting. But these very same people are sparing when it comes to showing their gratitude, appreciation, and even admiration for their partners.

I have discovered that many people carry a notion inside their heads that if their partners are doing what is expected of them, there’s no need to say anything (this idea finds a corollary and perhaps its roots in corporate life). But when something upsets them,  they should absolutely say something.

However, being criticized over and over can harm your partner’s spirit. It can lead to “Not Good Enough Syndrome,” where your partner says, “No matter what I do, I’m not good enough.” 

The phrase A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine goes down applies here. As a rule-of-thumb, for every correction and criticism, I recommend three to four positive, reinforcing, and grateful comments, and it would hopefully be organic and not forced.

As important, if you have asked for a change in your their behavior and they are essentially complying, it is important to tell them that you see and appreciate your partner‘s efforts.

I have had several clients tell me that offering positive reinforcement is like treating their partners like a dog. My reply is simple: “Yes, and you should ask yourself why you are treating your dog better than your partner.”

If your partner is doing this to you, and you feel like you’re not good enough, you can ask your partner for some acknowledgment. And you can use the same tool: Acknowledge when your partner is being more positive, and try to ignore critical comments. 

#7: Assuming your Partner is a Mind Reader

If you or are upset about something, say what is bothering you. In fact, it’s a bit unfair and even perhaps a set-up to assume that your partner knows what is troubling you. Rather, be explicit.

#8: Scanning for Errors

When you disagree about something, it’s natural to point out the areas in which you differ. However, some people take this a step further and are on the lookout when their partners are mistaken. If you do this, it’s important to ask yourself why you are taking on the role of fault-finding. And why just point out the mistakes when you should also be pointing out what you think is true?

 #9: Waiting to Cash In

Imagine: You repeatedly don’t say anything when your partner does something that really bothers you. You wait. They do it again. And again. And again. Finally, you explode with anger. Instead of cashing in all of your chips at once, mention it by the second or third occurrence. You won’t have stored up as much frustration, and they won’t be so set in their ways. 

 #10 Getting into Theoretical Arguments

Theoretical arguments usually take the form of if… then… For example, “What would you say to that guy at work who has a crush on you if he actually hit on you?” These kinds of statements are often tiptoeing around something that is vulnerable to the person making it. It would be better to be more direct – to express your insecurities and fears.

Rewriting Your Scripts

These suggestions can provide useful methods to help you to avoid communication traps that couples get into time and time again. By rewriting problematic communication scripts, you are on the way as you continue to enjoy the good times, reducing the duration, intensity, and frequency of the bad, and overall strengthening your connection as you increase intimacy.

Looking for more help communicating with your partner? Click here to start your search and filter your results by “Marriage, Couples, or Relationship Counseling” under Type of Service and/or “Marriage/Couples Counseling” under Common Specialties.

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